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“Sometimes life is fun. And sometimes life is not so fun.” Well, this was a not-so-fun moment for sure, you thought.
You had been feeling out of it lately, your mental health slowly spiraling, which you tried to unsuccessfully stop.
People had all kinds of coping mechanisms or distractions, there were so many guides online, friends with advice, therapists with thoughts you could apply to yourself…and yet, those did not seem to work in the moment.
Your mental health issues had been with you for a while, you couldn’t pinpoint an exact moment when they had started, let alone why. Not one specific reason, anyways. It was more of a culmination, something that would overflow if you kept adding to it.
Yet…you kept adding to it. Your daily life went on, people expected things from you and most of all, you expected things from yourself. You knew that wasn’t good, people needed to give themselves that self care, but somehow you felt like that did not apply to you.
Since you and your partner Copia had been together, however, he had really helped with that aspect. Both consciously and subconsciously, he made sure you were taking care of yourself and if you couldn’t, he would be there for you.
He would be there for you anyways and that thought right now in your head made your heart ache. Copia…
You glanced at the clock. He was probably still busy doing papa business, ministry business. You had given yourself a day off, on his request mostly, when this morning you woke and you just felt the dark thoughts pulling at the edges of your thoughts. Copia could tell, of course he could. The both of you knew each other well, how many times hadn’t you almost exactly guessed what was bothering him?
There was not a topic left that was unspoken of, for you talked about everything, wanting to share any possible thing.
Yet you hadn’t spoken about this. Wordlessly he had taken one look at you, pulled you into his arms and soothed you while you tried not to cry. It wasn’t only a cry out of sadness or hurt, but also out of the comfort you were experiencing with him. It felt good to share even darker things with your partner, and there was such a deep connection that you shared.
He had made sure you were comfortable, darting around the room, wanting to make you feel better. The effort he put even in this made you feel grateful for him. He had said he had some important meetings today but that he could reschedule them, he would be happy to, but you couldn’t ask that of him.
And so, you had sent him on his way with the promise of taking it easy.
Time seemed to slow down and everything you tried to do was muddled with your thoughts, creeping in your head faster and faster, no longer just pulling on the edges. You felt as if you had to brace yourself for some impact, making you feel anxious for that.
You tried reading, taking a walk, watching something. You couldn’t concentrate.
Things just felt so…gray. You hated that. You felt like you were supposed to be happy, that you had no real reason to feel this way. Deep down you knew that was bullshit. There wasn’t any valid or invalid reason, no rule that says ‘you are not allowed to feel bad about this’. It was all pressure you put on yourself, things that were in your own head.
To cope, you had sometimes resorted to measures that made you feel guilty, weak, stupid. The self hatred following those measures was bigger every time.
Copia knew, like he knew everything about you and you about him. You had talked about it in length, which had been very refreshing. He was there for you in support and in love, he didn’t have that pitiful look in his eyes other people sometimes had when they found out.
That’s why now it felt so bad. It felt ten times, no, twenty times as bad as last time.
You had hoped that would have been the final time.
As you sat on your chair slumped forward, your head in your hands, you felt tears stinging in your eyes. Angrily you wiped them away. Stupid. You did this to yourself, it was your burden to bear. You wouldn’t be able to hide it from Copia and you suddenly got scared of how he would react.
Never had he shown signs of being impatient, or not understanding you. He had been amazing, promising you he loved every part of you and he would be with you always. Of course, you had told him the same thing.
Now, however, with this round of self destructive behavior, you felt that he would be disappointed in you. He gave you a day off and you felt like you couldn’t even handle that.
Trapped in those thoughts and with your head down on the table, you heard the door open, followed by a greeting in the voice you loved most. Copia came into the room and you quickly sat up, trying to look as composed as possible.
“How have you been doing? Oh I missed you…” He came toward you, throwing his gloves on the table and taking off his shoes. You stood up, not looking him in the eyes.
“I’ve been…” you managed. He cupped your face. “It’s okay. I understand.” He said, kissing your forehead. He pulled you into a hug and you winced a little, he gripped you less tight.
“Am I hurting you? I’m so sorry.” He said softly. You wanted to tell him but you just didn’t know how. In your head it all sounded stupid. ‘oh hi Copia, while you had a busy day, I sat here letting myself spiral and hurting myself. stupid huh!’
You knew those thoughts were self sabotage. You wouldn’t say it like that, but you didn’t know how to correctly share it with him. You hugged him tighter. You hadn't even realized you hadn’t said anything else and you scraped your throat. He released you to look at your face and you felt like your skin was burning with embarrassment, or possibly fear of what he would say.
He tilted your chin up towards him softly, studying your face. “What happened? If you don’t wish to share it, that’s okay too. I just want you to feel okay and comfortable.”
The moment he locked eyes with yours, you felt like he immediately knew. You cast your eyes down and he wrapped his arm around you, leading you to the couch and sitting down, pulling you into his lap. You felt like this was a moment to let out the tears trapped in you and they flowed freely, while he pet your head and made shushing noises. Somehow that did make you feel more comforted.
“Copia.,.I’m so sorry. I don’t want to let you down, I know I said that last time was the final time but I...it’s like I can’t help it…” you stumbled. His hand rubbed your back.
“You never let me down. I know things aren’t always easy for you…I know what it is like, but also…I love you” he mused. You looked at him and he produced a small handkerchief, handing it to you. You pressed it to your face to wipe the tears away.
“I just hate that I keep thinking of that. It’s always in the back of my mind and I want it gone, I want it gone so bad.” You said, breathing unevenly. He nodded and kept holding on to you. “I understand. You know…the process isn’t linear. I’m not less proud of you if you stumble along the way. The stumbling is okay!” He told you, again cupping your face so that you both looked at eachother. You didn’t know what to say. He was right, you knew that. It didn’t fully seep into your brain, though.
“Don’t feel guilty. Tomorrow’s a new day. It will always be a new day.” He whispered wisely and took a deep breath.
“That’s it. You are not disappointing me, or anyone else for that matter. You are a person.” He wrapped you in his arms again, nice and warm.
You just nodded, not knowing what to say. He continued. “You are a person with feelings and they want to come out somehow. I want to help you in any way possible.”
He concluded it with a forehead kiss and you took another deep breath, feeling your breathing slowly go back to its normal tempo. You stayed together like that for a bit.
“Would you like me to care for you a little bit? Allow me…” He asked and you could hear that he really wanted to. It was sweet. You nodded and he looked at you, checking on everything he could take care of. He was careful and his touch was soft, and he trailed some kisses along your skin, they felt soothing and warm.
You knew this was another way of him to say he loved you. You had the same ways and you felt comforted by his words and actions. You looked at him while he patched you up, his gaze concentrated. When he was done, he kissed you and you wrapped your arms around him. “Thank you…” You meant it for everything. The understanding, the support. The love and him taking care of you.
“You don’t ever have to thank me. That’s what love is.” He said softly and the matter of fact way he added the last bit got a small smile out of you. He held you at arms length.
You felt him looking up and down and you got nervous. “What is-” He stopped you and he did a half run, half skip to his closet. It looked silly, which was so him. You didn’t care if he was laying it on thick to amuse you, you loved him like that.
He pulled out some of his clothes, one of which was a comfortable looking hoodie.
“You were just missing a little something something.” He said, helping you into the hoodie, not that you needed his help for that. Yet you let him.
When you were both comfortable and warm, snuggled up together, you felt like you could talk about it. “Copia…you know that it might…well, happen again. I don’t want it to. But it’s just…it’s there.” You whispered.
“Well” he replied with a soft voice. “I know. I know it’s not gone so easily, or fixed easily. I meant what I said before.”
You looked at him and he continued. “You’re a person that has feelings…they change and they keep changing but every day we just go again. I’ll be there with you.”
He was careful with you, physically, but he was still holding you tight. Sometimes it felt like that was what was keeping you together, not falling apart. Well, the part where you knew he loved you and you loved him, but also the physical part.
“It’s a process.” You said, muffled by your face being pressed against him. He kissed your head. “It is. Do you want some time off tomorrow and after?” He asked you. You pondered and you went to answer when he answered his own question. “I would stay with you of course. I could really do with time off as well…and to hell with the meetings…” He said, a little rebellious on the last sentence. He made it sound like he was breaking the rules, but of course as Papa, he did have some say in those things. You chuckled softly.
“Is my rule breaking funny?” He whispered and you heard he was smiling by the way he said it.
“I just like it when you say those things. And I like the idea a lot.” You replied. Satisfied, he smiled and settled more comfortably on the couch as you moved with him.
“It’s done, then. Let me make it happen.” He looked concentrated and moved his hands as if he was performing a mystical spell. You watched him and couldn’t help but smile.
“There. Done.” He smiled at you and clapped his hands, pretending to dust them off. You chuckled and you saw he smiled wider in reaction to it.
“I’m impressed…and thank you.” You said, the last part serious as you looked into his eyes.
He pulled you against him again. “I just have that power…ah, I’ll give Sister Imperator a little call later…” He mumbled.
You lazed against him and felt like you could fall asleep. The day was ending and tomorrow the sun would rise again.