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Atsushi was somewhere warm, it was warm, not too hot and not too cold, he was perfectly comfortable and happy, everything around him was illuminated and he was relaxed, he had to take a few seconds to adjust to reality once he opened his eyes, he stared at the ceiling of the closet for a few minutes relinquishing on the comfortable sensation the dream had left him, what a nice way to start the day.
Once he moved and made the slightest of noise he could hear delicate footsteps approaching his door and he smiled knowing exactly why- “Happy birthday”- Kyoka said as soon as she opened the sliding door to greet him.
“Good morning, thank you”- He answered a little shy, not used to the feeling of being congratulated in such a happy way.
“Come, breakfast is almost ready”- She said and turned back around with a smile, stopping him when he tried to follow her to the kitchen to help with breakfast and guiding him to their kitchen table where Dazai was already sitting at.
“Good morning Atsushi!”- He greeted a lot more loudly and enthusiastically than Kyoka, Atsushi nodded with a smile and thanked him as he sat down- “How do you feel? Are you excited?”- Dazai asked.
“Yeah, I think so, I’m not sure what to expect”- He explained hesitantly.
“Well, good food, congratulations, cake, and gifts of course”- Dazai said as he helped Kyoka set the plates on the table. Chazuke for breakfast, they were already spoiling him- “Talking about that…”- He pulled a thin rectangular box from his coat- "Happy birthday!"
“Dazai, you really shouldnt have”- Atsushi said as he grabbed the box from his hands.
“Don't worry about it, it was really cheap”- Atsushi laughed at the man’s honesty and continued to open the box, inside there was a grey pen with a small plastic figure of a white tiger at the end -“I can't think of a better person to have that pen”
“Thank you Dazai, you too Kyoka, for cooking this food”- He caressed the pen in his hand looking at the steaming plate in front of him, he was probably never going to use it but it would always be on his desk so that he could always look at it and be reminded of the perfect moment.
“Well, let's eat then!”- Dazai said with a clap of his hands, Atsushi didn't hesitate to do so.
After breakfast was done and he was once again stopped from trying to wash the plates before they left, the three of them made their way into the agency, he received many congratulations from everyone, even a small chocolate from Rampo who made an emphasis on how special he should feel and to not expect it from him again, the president gave him a firm handshake along with his wishes which was a little weird but a very him-thing to do, and he had kindly rejected Yosano’s offer of free treatment for his birthday.
After that his morning continued as normal, with no new cases to attend to, maybe some people would be annoyed at such a quiet morning on a festive day, regardless Atsushi found himself entirely pleased, in his life moments where he could just sit down and breathe comfortably were rare, both before and after he joined the agency.
He treasured this moment, all his friends, all his family there, safe and together, at arm's length, it was the perfect gift for him.
At lunchtime he went down to the cafeteria with all of them where Lucy greeted him with a tight hug, he might have had a broken rib if it wasn't for the tiger, she sure had strength- “Happy birthday tiger!”- She cheered loudly next to his ear- “Come sit down”- She pulled him by the arm to one of the booths, his friend already sitting all around him.
“But I haven't ordered yet!”- He called when she went straight into the kitchen.
“Don't worry about it”- Yosano assured and he understood that it meant a surprise was coming, he bit his lip as he heard the redhead move around in the kitchen.
“Here!”- She exclaimed as she set down a steaming plate of Omurice in front of him, on top, written with ketchup said ‘Happy Birthday Tigerboy. Love, everyone’ surrounded by different small drawings, a star, three small hearts, a depiction of a cow's head, a knife, candy, a hand with a thumbs up, a dying face, and a small tiger.
Atsushi had to look at it for a long moment to take in all of the little details, it was surprising that all of them fit perfectly even if it was a big plate -“Did you draw them all just now?”- He questioned in wonder of Lucy’s artistic talent.
“Well, technically yes, but only on the plate, we all made a card before I just copied it”- She admitted. That explained it, all the variety, if he tried he bet he could say who drew what.
“Still, you did such a great job, it looks so good”- He praised- “I’m… actually not sure I can eat this, you all put so much work into it I feel like it would be a waste-”
“Atsushi, it’s food, it was made to be eaten”- Tanizaki encouraged him along with the others.
“Plus, I made it so you could eat it on your birthday, it would make me sad if you didn't”- Lucy teased.
Atsushi thought for a second and then concluded- “Then, let's share it all together”
After they were done and had to leave to go back to their work Kunikida notified him that he had been given an extra hour of break time for his birthday, Dazai had quickly ushered him to the street and told him to take a walk which he accepted.
Atsushi walked around town, it was rather empty, most people were also already back at their workplaces or schools, the sun was starting to go down and the wind was just a little chilly, he decided to walk to the port and rest there looking at the sea for some time before he had to go back.
Seated at a bench he heard footsteps coming towards him and he turned his head, he was greeted by none other than the Mafia’s own rabid dog.
“Akutagawa?”- He asked- “What are you doing here?”
“Am I not allowed?”- The man snarked back and Atsushi refrained himself from continuing their banter, he didn't want them to fight and to go back to the office with torn clothes on his birthday.
“Whatever”- He muttered and turned his head again to continue to look at the sea.
“You are rather calm today, is it because of your birthday?”- Akutagawa asked.
Atsushi turned his head back sharply- “Have you been stalking me?”- He asked, cautious, Akutagawa's frown deepened.
“No, idiot, Dazai texted me about it”- That explained why the man had been so excited to kick him out, he probably knew they would meet.
“Here”- Akutagawa said as he threw a box onto his chest- “Happy birthday weretiger”
“What is this?”- He asked but only got a shrug as an answer, he opened it slowly and unsure and came face to face with a watch, it was very obviously good quality and the brand’s name was written on the back of the box, Atsushi knew enough about clothes and accessories to know he was holding a luxury brand wrist watch on the more expensive side, his eyes widened and he screamed- “I can't accept this!”
“Well I already bought it, if you don't like it throw it away”- Akuatagawa shrugged again and turned to leave.
“Wait!”- He tried but the other man ignored him, Atsushi thought he could see red on the tips of his ears and the nape of his neck but he was probably imagining things. .
“I think your break is over”- He said making Atsushi look at his watch and realize he was right, when he looked back up Akutagawa was already gone.
On his walk back to the agency he realized, how did Akutagawa even know when his break ended?
He opened the door absentmindedly with that thought in mind and was pulled back to reality by the loud sound of party poppers and screams.
“Happy birthday Atsushi!”- The whole of the agency was there standing in front of him, suddenly Atsushi was reminded of the dream he had that morning, that warm feeling of happiness. It made itself known once again.
They clapped and cheered and presented all of their gifts for him even after Atsushi insisted he really didn't need so many things. Lucy came up not too much later with a big matcha birthday cake. “Are you ready to blow your candles?”- She asked.
Atsushi waited for them to sing the corresponding song and closed his eyes, making one wish.
‘I wish we could all be this happy forever’
Then he blew, lighting off all the candles, and making everyone cheer and clap once again.
Atsushi waited and finally spoke, he looked at the floor, too awkward to look at everybody’s face right then- “I just wanted to say thank you, for everything, not just today, for taking me in and teaching me all that I needed to know, it's the first time my birthday is celebrated in such a way and I'm happy I got to do it with my family”- The last word seemed to spill out of him by itself, the word he had been thinking of the whole day but was too ashamed to actually say had decided to come out anyway.
He looked up at their faces in embarrassment ready to apologize and take it back but all he could see was teary-eyed happiness that reflected his own. The first to move was Kenji, pulling Atsushi into a bone-crushing hug that lifted him from the floor and actually cracked his back, then joined Kyoka, the Tanizaki siblings, Dazai, Lucy, Rampo, Yosano, Kunikida, and even the president.
It was the warmest hug Atsushi had ever been in, he knew nothing in the world could compare, not even the softest most fluffiest of blankest could be this comfortable.
The evening turned into night, and their party continued well into the dark of the day, at some point, Yosano or Dazai had taken out bottles of liquor and turned it into a more adult celebration, by that point, well into the night, Kyoka and Kenji had already been sent to sleep. Atsushi stepped out after sharing a quick glance with Dazai, the man knew what he was going to do, he rested his back against the wall of the building and took a deep breath of the cold wind, finally, he made his way to where he needed to go, he knew he had to visit, he couldn't finish the day without going. His mind was silent on the way, the cold night slowly stripped the warm feeling of earlier in the day away from his body and his spirit. Before he could regret it he was finally there, how much had he walked? he wasn't sure.
But there he stood.
In front of the grave. Of that particular grave that looked just like any of the others to everyone but him.
The grave of the man that had done so much damage to him.
The man who had tortured and beaten him so many times before.
His father.
He could almost hear it in the wind.
‘Happy birthday’
But, in the end, it never came and it would never come.
Not from him, never from him.
And he stood there, he wasn't sure for how long he did, all he knew was that at the end his eyes were swollen and his legs hurt from being so tense, parts of his shirt were wet with tears, he wasn't even making any noise, the tears came out as they pleased.
He had nothing to say, he just stood and stared, his mind was so loud he couldn't hear his own thoughts.
One year older, one year farther away from him, one year closer to forgetting, to being better. One year into knowing what family is, into knowing what being loved is, loved in a way that didn't hurt him.
Was he angry? Maybe he was sad? He was crying after all, after all, could he even be happy? Was this mourning? Or was it regret? Or was he relieved?
What did he want from this place anyway, the ground would not give him any words, no answers or congratulations, it never gave him comfort but it would not give him pain anymore.
Once he was finally ready to leave it most likely wasn't even his birthday anymore. He was prepared to go back home and focus on the good things, ignore everything else, sneak into the closet, and lock himself away until he could be normal in the morning. His plans were torn into pieces when he turned around and looked at Kunikida standing a few steps behind him, close enough that he could be seen clearly but far enough that he couldn't hear Atsushi's cries.
He didn't say a word, and neither did Kunikida, he just walked closer and closer until he clashed with his chest and broke down once again, now he was definitely making sound, wailing and crying so loud it hurt his ears. Tomorrow he would be embarrassed, today he needed this.
Kunikida didn't need an explanation, even if he did he wasn't sure he could give one.
“If it's worth something, I think you are a great kid, happy birthday Atsushi, thank you for being born”- Were all the words the blond man offered, it was all that Atsushi needed to hear.