Chapter Text
Lights. Camera. Action.
Ryan sucks in a sharp breath as he steps out onto the stage behind Brendon. It feels like his ears are ringing until he hears Spencer count them into the first song, then everything snaps back into focus. His fingers find the right place on the neck of his guitar from muscle memory alone. He misses a cue which has Brendon sending a worried glance his way. This is supposed to be getting easier since they’re three shows in, not harder.
Ryan hands over his guitar to a tech as they walk off the stage. Brendon comes up and slings an arm around his shoulders.
“You were great!” Brendon flashes a giddy smile and kisses his cheek.
He’s not used to this whole public affection thing. He sometimes forgets that he let Brendon out them. He still has to fight the knee-jerk reaction to pull away and hide. These last few shows he’s seen flashes of rainbow flags from the kids in the front. it feels strange to him. He thinks he would’ve understood the complete opposite reaction more.
“I completely fucked up.” Ryan sigh/ heavily as he holds the dressing room door open for Brendon.
“Just that one minuscule part.” Brendon shrugs. “Bet you twenty bucks that no one even noticed.”
“I noticed though.” Ryan frowns, grabbing a bottle of water from the catering table. He heads to the bathroom without another word and locks himself inside. He doesn’t really need to go or anything, but he just wants a quiet moment to settle his nerves. This is the only place on tour where he gets even a moment of silence.
He only has a few minutes of that blissful silence before Brendon comes knocking. “Hey, babe. Everything okay in there?”
Ryan sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m fine. I promise.”
“Are you sure?” Worry is prominent in Brendon’s voice as he leans closer to the door. He’s trying to listen to what’s happening inside, just in case. “We have bus call soon.”
“Jesus. I just wanted five minutes of quiet! I’m not throwing up. I promise. If that’s what you’re so fucking worried about.” His tone comes off a little more sharp than intended. He hears Brendon take a deep breath from outside the door.
“Well sorry for being concerned after everything we’ve gone through the last few months!” Brendon huffs, crossing his arms. “I thought you’d understand by now.”
Ryan turns on the water, starting to wash the makeup off his face. “There’s a difference between being concerned and not letting me have a minute of peace.”
Brendon tries the door handle, but it’s locked. “Can you let me in at least? I don’t wanna argue through a door.”
With a sigh, Ryan clears the few steps across the room and opens the door, letting it hang open. He heads back to the sink to finish his task. “Sorry I yelled.”
Brendon closes the door behind him, leaning back against it. “Sorry for pushing. I didn’t mean to, just, you know how I worry.”
Ryan looks up at the mirror to seek out any bits of remaining makeup to scrub off with the wet paper towel in his hand. “I know.”
Silence settles thickly between them with Brendon just watching Ryan clean himself up. “Are you nervous about being back out on the road?”
Ryan stills as he swallows hard. “I mean, of course I am. It’s like taking someone fresh out of Alcoholics Anonymous to a bar. It’s triggering as hell.”
Brendon nods. “You’re not alone in it this time though, you never really were. You have me. You have the guys. We’re all with you and just want to see you happy and healthy.”
Ryan sighs as he gives his face a final rinse. He dries off with more paper towels. His skin is a little flushed and reddened from all the scrubbing. “I know. It’s just gonna take some getting used to is all.”
The other man steps closer, settling into Ryan’s lap. He expects a protest but after a pause and not getting one, he leans against him, resting his head on Ryan’s shoulder.
Ryan can’t help but smile a little. It feels like the storm clouds surrounding his heart and mind start to clear in gentle moments like this. He chucks the paper towel he’s holding into the nearby trash can and wraps his arms around Brendon. He feels the man practically melt into the touch.
“You ate dinner today right?” Brendon asks from where he’s cuddled up against Ryan. “I was distracted with that interview and I wasn’t sure.”
Ryan nods. “I had a turkey sandwich and some chicken caesar salad.”
Brendon gives him a squeeze. “How about we go to the bus and lay down? The guys are going to an after party so we’ll have it to ourselves for a little bit.”
Ryan chuckles and nudges his hip. “What are you implying?”
Brendon moves off his lap and stands. “Take a wild guess.” He smirks and starts to walk out.
Ryan grabs his bag and quickly follows. “Hey! Wait for me!”
—-
Ryan is half asleep when they’re all offloaded from the bus. He hangs onto Brendon’s backpack as they’re led through the backstage area. He only glances up for a moment as they pass through a group of crew unpacking road cases. Ryan stops in his tracks and lets go of Brendon.
The others walk ahead as he stands there, eyes locked with this man. It’s a face that he’s sure will be burned in his mind till his dying day. Henry. But it can’t be, he mumbles to himself. He’s supposed to be in jail. He convinces himself it has to be a coincidence. There’s no way that man wormed himself onto their crew. Something in the smug smirk the man gives him unsettles him to his core. He rushes to catch up with his bandmates. He grips Brendon’s hand tightly as they go inside.
“You alright?” Brendon asks, noticing his boyfriend being suddenly clingy.
“Yeah.” He let go of Brendon’s hand to prove his point. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”
Brendon raises an eyebrow, not buying it. “Are you sure? What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Ryan shakes his head. “No, no. It’s not a big deal, I promise.”
“It has to be something if it’s got you so jumpy.” Brendon gives him a worried look.
Ryan knows he couldn’t tell Brendon that Henry was hiding out in their crew unless he could make sure. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. Maybe the dude is a doppelgänger. Maybe he’s just local crew and he’ll never be seen again after tonight. They all already think he’s crazy, no need to add to it. He takes a deep breath to settle himself, fighting the urge to look over his shoulder to make sure he really is safe. “I promise you, I’m fine.”
—-
Spencer shifts his weight as he knocks on the trim beside Ryan’s bunk. “You decent?” He asks with a slight chuckle.
Ryan pushes the curtain back. He yawns, having just woken up from a nap. “Yeah. What do you need?”
Spencer leans against the wall. “I was wondering…once we get into town, do you maybe wanna grab some lunch? Just you and me. No pressure obviously. It’s just been a while since we’ve really gotten a moment alone.”
Ryan raises an eyebrow. “What prompted this?”
He shrugs. “Nothing. Was just thinking that it’s been too long since we’ve hung out and I miss it.”
Ryan snorts, rubbing at his eyes. “It’s a date then.” He jokes. “Don’t tell Brendon. He’ll get jealous.”
Spencer laughs and shakes his head. “Come find me after you get settled in your hotel room.”
Ryan nods, pulling the blankets up to his chin. “I’m gonna go back to sleep till we get there then.”
Spencer tugs the curtain shut for him. “Have a nice nap.”
It’s another hour before they pull up behind their hotel. Ryan yawns as he slips out of his bunk. He puts on his shoes and his hoodie and grabs his bag. He finds Brendon in the crowd of people piling off the bus and follows him up to the room.
“Spencer said you two are going to grab dinner?” Brendon asks as he opens his suitcase to get out his shower kit.
Ryan nods. “Yeah, I guess.”
“What’s that about?” He asks.
Ryan shrugs. “I’m not sure. He didn’t really say, other than it’s been too long since we’ve hung out alone, which I guess is true.”
Brendon sits down on the edge of the bed. “When are you heading out then?”
“In a few minutes, I suppose. He wants me to meet him downstairs.” Ryan gets his pajamas out and sets them on his bed for later. After he’s done he tells Brendon goodbye and heads to the elevator.
Spencer smiles and waves when he sees him come into the hotel lobby. “I got a reservation for us. Our cab will be here in a few.”
Ryan can’t help but feel that bit of anxiety he gets when anything he eats is out of his control. He takes a deep breath and tells himself to push it down, after all he deserves this. He deserves to have nice things. “Okay.”
It’s not long before Ryan finds out what Spencer has chosen for their lunch, some trendy little vegan pizza place. They’re sat at their table. Ryan’s glad for the little moment of silence while they look over the menu and decide what they want.
“Why is this so awkward?” Spencer jokes as he takes a sip from a glass of water.
Ryan shrugs. “It’s not that awkward.” He glances up from the menu. “Why’d you ask me here anyway? I mean we see each other every day, it’s not like we never hang out.”
Spencer bites his lip, knowing he has to proceed cautiously. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind and kind of wanted to get it off my chest. I just thought that you didn’t want me getting into it with the rest of the guys around.”
“Oh?” Ryan raises an eyebrow.
“But since you seem to be doing so much better I was afraid to, you know, bring down the mood.” He admits. He looks back down at the menu. “What are you getting?”
Ryan shrugs. “I’m not super hungry. Want to split something?” He sighs when Spencer shoots Ryan a look of concern. “I had my snack before I got off the bus. Brendon made sure I ate it. No need for the worried eyes.”
Spencer nods. “Want to split a veggie supreme pizza then?”
Ryan fights off the urge to say no, but he’s already gotten this far. He can’t back out now. “Yeah. Just no mushrooms. You know how much I hate them.”
Spencer orders for them, trying to calculate in his head if the half of a pizza will meet the number of calories Ryan needs for lunch. After the waiter leaves, they’re plunged into another awkward silence.
Ryan fidgets with his napkin, tearing it up into little pieces. “Just go ahead and say it. I know you didn’t drag me here to stare at me. I’ve had first dates less awkward than this.”
“I just wanted to talk about the last few months…” he starts, “but I wanted to wait until you were in a bit better headspace. Now seemed as good a time as any.”
Ryan swallows hard, mind already starting to race. He’s been friends with the man across from him since they were toddlers. It shouldn’t be this hard to just talk to him. He takes a deep breath, trying to push back the anxiety. “W-what about them?” He asks quietly.
“I’m just so glad to see you doing better. I was so scared we would lose you.” His voice shakes slightly.
Ryan looks up at his friend’s glassy eyes. “I’m sorry I put you guys through all that.” He’s not sure of what else he can say that would make the situation better.
“I just hope it never comes to that again.” Spencer says softly. “I don’t think I have the heart to watch you lay in a hospital bed like that again.”
Ryan averts his gaze. “I promise it won’t. Even though recovery fucking sucks, I had to claw my way out. I don’t want to go back there.” It’s only a slight lie to make Spencer feel better.
“I’m glad to hear that.” Spencer replies. “Brendon seems a lot happier too. He was pretty rough when he stayed with me.”
Ryan feels that all too familiar guilt creep up when he thinks about how much he’s wronged Brendon in all of this. He’s heard bits and pieces from the other side but never really the full story. Brendon refuses to talk about it. Everyone handles him with kid gloves these days. “What do you mean?”
Spencer glances away. “I mean it’s not all my story to tell but he drank a lot. He was high most days just to cope. I had to coax him out of his room to do normal human things like have dinner and shower. The only thing that kept him going most days were your phone calls.”
Ryan swallows hard. “And to think I basically spent every call whining about how bad I had it…”
Ryan is grateful to be saved by the bell as their pizza is set on the table. An easy out of the uncomfortable silence. He quietly grabs two slices of pizza and puts them on his plate. He giggles as he watches Spencer drown his slices in Parmesan and chili flakes. “Some things never change.” He shakes his head. “Why do you always do that? Why do you want a mouthful of sand and paper flakes over pizza?”
“Don’t hate cause you haven’t tasted this culinary excellence.” Spencer shrugs as he takes a big bite. “Mmm mmm.” He adds for dramatic effect.
“Remind me again why we’re friends?” Ryan rolls his eyes as he takes a bite from his own slice.
“Cause you were an insufferable child and no one else would put up with your ass?” Spencer teased.
“Hey!” Ryan snorts. “I wasn’t that insufferable.”
“No.” Spencer concedes. “But you were, at least a little.” He jokes.
Ryan feels a little guilty for who his disorder turned him into. He and Spencer used to be inseparable and now it feels like there’s more distance than just the table between them. He goes kind of quiet as he nibbles at his pizza, reminding himself that he needs to eat all of it. Finally he spoke. “You know…I never really wanted to die.” He says softly. “None of this was on purpose. It just kind of happened. I never thought it would go this far.”
Spencer glances up, a little shocked to hear him finally open up, even if it is just a crack. “I know. I don’t think many people would willingly choose an eating disorder. But it did feel a little like you chose it towards the end. Nothing we tried to say got through to you. It was like talking to a brick wall. You weren’t you anymore. It’s hard to describe.”
“I feel so bad that I let a stupid disorder push me away from you.” Ryan admits. “It never should’ve happened and I’m sorry. I don’t think you could’ve gotten to me even if you wanted to. I was too deep in my own head and on a collision course for disaster.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” Spencer tries to assure him.
“I know.” Ryan finally looks up at him. “But I want to. You deserve an apology. I’m sorry you got a front row seat to all my bullshit.”
Spencer puts a hand on his arm. “I promise you don’t have to apologize. I would have forgiven you no matter what. You know that. We have too many years together to just throw all that away.”
“You’re honestly a better friend than I deserve.” Ryan looks away again. “I don’t think I would’ve forgiven me so easily if the roles were flipped. I’m sorry.”
Spencer can probably count on one hand how many times he’s ever heard the man across from him admit he was wrong. He didn’t start this conversation expecting an apology but it’s still nice to finally get one. “You don’t have to apologize. I’ve already long forgiven you. You know I can’t stay mad forever.” As they finish up, Spencer puts his card on the table to pay for the bill.
—-
The conversation with Spencer leaves him feeling guilty for days after. He knows that Brendon is picking up that something is off because he’s being extra attentive. It just makes the guilt ramp up a notch. Ryan tries to make it easier on Brendon. He doesn’t fight meals. He bites his tongue when he wants to lash out. He’s just trying so hard to play at being better.
Brendon pulls him aside before they head into the venue. The air is crisp and chilly and Brendon rubs his hands together to keep them warm. “You’ve been awfully quiet today. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Ryan shrugs. “Nothing and everything all at once.”
”God let’s go inside.” Brendon says as he starts to shiver.
Ryan walks with Brendon until they find a semi empty hallway so they can talk. he tries to rehearse what he wants to say in his head, replaying the conversation with Spencer in his head.
Brendon smirks as he notices there’s an empty room beside them that doesn’t look like it’s being used for anything. He grabs Brendon by the wrist and starts to pull him towards it.
“Wait.” Ryan says softly. “Can we just talk instead?”
Brendon lets go of his hand. “Yeah sure. What’s up?”
“You keep avoiding the topic of how you were while I was in Newgate.” Ryan meets Brendon’s confused gaze. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
Brendon bites his lip. “No need to dig up the past, is there? You’re here with me and I’m fine now.”
“Spence told me…” Ryan swallows hard. “That you were drinking and getting high every night. And not really taking care of yourself.”
Brendon makes a mental note to talk to Spencer later. He thought they’d agreed not to speak about it. “I guess I did.”
Ryan looks down at his feet. “I feel bad that I dumped everything on you the whole time without ever stopping to think how it made you feel.” He swallows hard. “I’m sorry.” He sure seems to be making a whole lot of apologies lately.
Brendon shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry. I wanted to be your rock.” He squeezed Ryan’s shoulder. “I needed to be.”
Tears pricked at the corners of Ryan’s eyes. “But you were cracking under the pressure.” He sniffles, “how can I make it up to you?”
Brendon glances back at the empty room. “You know, I can think of a few ways.”
“Is your mind always on your dick?” Ryan can’t help but laugh a little. “I’m trying to be serious here.”
“Well not all the time.” Brendon smirks. “Just most of it. Now come on. You have a lot of begging, perhaps even on your knees, to do.”
Ryan follows him into the room. “God I can’t stand you.” He rolls his eyes.
“Good thing you don’t need to be standing.” Brendon puts a hand on Ryan’s shoulder and guides him down to his knees. “Good boy.” He chuckles low in his throat.
—-
Ryan wraps his hands around a warm cup of coffee as he sits next to Brendon in a radio booth. It’s far too early and he doesn’t feel awake yet. Especially not for this.
Brendon rests a hand on Ryan’s upper back. “You alright?” he leans in to whisper.
Ryan sighs and nods. “Just tired. Haven’t had enough coffee yet.” He holds up his paper cup. “I’ll be fine.”
Brendon reaches out and adjusts Ryan’s microphone for him. “Well at least we only have one more interview after this.”
The radio host comes into the room and greets them with smiles and offers a box of donuts. He introduces himself as Chris and shakes all their hands. He tells them how excited he is to have them in the studio and Ryan can see through that lie a mile away. “So.” The host checks his watch. “We are going on air in about two minutes. I’m just gonna test our connections and make sure we’re all ready to go.” He sets the box of donuts down on the table in front of them. “Feel free to help yourself.”
Ryan initially refuses but with the sideways glance from Brendon, he takes the smallest one in the box. It’s a cake donut with cinnamon sugar. He lets out a deep breath and tries to remind himself that he’s supposed to be recovering and that he shouldn’t let a little donut get to him.
Ryan’s just glad that the interview isn’t being filmed, so he can at least take some solace in that. He takes a sip of his coffee as he leans against Brendon. He has a small smile on his face when Brendon kisses his forehead. When he notices the glare the host sends him, he can’t help but stiffen up and pull away. He feels Brendon’s hand on his arm to pull him back in but when he sees the same look from the interviewer he frowns and lets his hand fall into his lap.
As they get the interview going, they are asked all the usual questions: how’s the tour going? Is it nice to be back on the road again? What’s next after this? It all comes to a screeching halt when the interviewer asks Ryan about his hospitalization that ended the last tour early. All the guys look over at Ryan, ready to jump in and answer for him if need be.
After a couple seconds Brendon starts his stock response. “That tour was hard on us all and he just got too exhausted…”
Ryan stops him with a shake of his head. He knows Brendon cares and just wants to protect him but Ryan is getting tired of hiding. He just wants to say it now and get it over with so people will finally stop asking in every single interview.
“You don’t have to lie for me anymore.” He says softly to Brendon. Ryan takes a deep breath before replying to the radio host. “It’s because if I didn’t get help, I’d be dead right now. That’s the real truth.”
The interviewer suddenly looks a bit sympathetic. He assumes that Ryan, like most celebrities that can’t cope with fame, probably just ended up in drug rehab. “Oh?” They ask. “What happened? The ol’ sex, drugs and rock and roll?”
Ryan rolls his eyes as slips his hand into Brendon’s under the table. He needs the support for what he’s about to reveal to the world. “I had...well, I still have an eating disorder. Most people don’t come back from where I was alive. I’m lucky, really. It almost killed me. My heart stopped. I was close to organ failure. I didn’t want to admit I had a problem until it was damn near too late.”
“There’s been rumours of something like that. I remember now, because of those airport photos with the tube in your nose!” The interviewer goes a bit wide eyed as they remember the situation. They quickly manage to settle themselves to continue on. “I mean- I’m glad to hear you’re on the way to recovery now at least.”
Ryan nods, remembering those airport photos all too well himself. “I was on that damn feeding tube for months.” He shrugs a little.
“If you’re willing to talk about it, what was the process of getting help like for you?” Chris probes, leaning into the mic. He knows this is probably the biggest breaking story he’ll have, so he wants to tread carefully to get the most out of it.
Ryan bites his lip nervously. He closes his eyes to give himself a moment to gather himself. He can feel the gentle pressure of Brendon squeezing his hand and tries to remind himself that it’s okay. He’s gotten this far, he can keep going. “I’ll be honest, I guess. I didn’t want help. I didn’t think I needed it. I thought everyone just clawed their way through depression. It was my normal. It was my way of coping. My stubbornness nearly killed me. If I kept going the way I was, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
Brendon shares looks with the other guys. They’re all equally as shocked. They all know how incredibly rare it is for Ryan to open up like this. As his closest friends they barely get these glimpses into his mind. All they can do is hope that the interviewer doesn’t push too far, but they’re all more than ready to step in and fight for him if that happens, but for now they just let him talk.
“It couldn’t have been easy to admit you had a problem. I know from experience. I know it’s not exactly the same but, I’m a recovering alcoholic myself. Just got my 7 year chip four weeks ago.” Chris gives Ryan a sympathetic gaze.
“It’s not easy, for sure.” Ryan leans a little closer to Brendon, seeking comfort.
“Well is there any advice you want to pass on to our listeners who might be in a similar spot?” He asks.
“I don’t know.” Ryan shrugs. “I guess I just wanna say that if anyone out there is struggling, please seek help. I know it’s hard but it’s worth it. You’re worth it. Even if you don’t think you have any reason to get better, do it for yourself.”
The interviewer smiles a bit. “Wise words.” He seems to sense Ryan’s nervousness and decides to change the topic to hurry the interview along. “So what are the plans for the next album? Can we look forward to new music any time soon?”
Ryan lets out a sigh of relief once the focus is shifted off of him the boring PR stuff he can do without thinking. “No. I mean we’re always writing stuff but nothing concrete yet...”
—-
Ryan sees all his social media feeds being flooded with questions about his ED after that interview. He’s a little frustrated that people seem to focus on that and nothing else. ‘ I make music for a living, focus on that instead,’ he thinks. Some people are nice about it and send support, but others say the nastiest shit. ‘Easy to do when you’re behind a screen,’ he muses. He decides to collect a bunch of the questions he sees a lot of and make them into a blog entry. He closes the door of the back lounge and sits down on the couch with his laptop perched on his thighs. He starts to type out a new blog entry:
Okay I’m not very good at talking about this kind of stuff. I’m not normally a very open person. I like keeping things to myself. Please keep in mind I’m still in recovery. It’s hard to focus on myself when all anyone wants to do is focus on my faults. I’m going to turn off comments on here (I’m sure you can figure out why.) Anyway, I’m gonna answer some of these questions I’ve seen flying around, and then this is probably the last time I’ll talk about it publicly. Please understand I need space to heal.
I took a bunch of the most asked ones off my Twitter feed. I’ll try to answer as many of the repeated ones as I can.
I’m in no way trying to be some ‘role model’ for eating disorders or recovery from them. Trust me I’m far from perfect. I don’t want this to be the only thing I’m remembered for so like I said, this is the last I’ll speak of it publicly.
Obligatory: if you’re suffering please get help. From a parent, a friend, a teacher, anyone. I’m not glorifying EDs in any way. They’re deadly, the most deadly of any mental disorder cause you’re literally breaking your body. Get help before it’s too late. No one deserves to be another statistic. Don’t make my mistakes.
Q: What did you weigh when you sought treatment?
A: I was 94 pounds. About 70 something pounds underweight.
Q: Did you have a goal weight?
A: yeah. 90. I probably would’ve died getting there if I’m being honest.
Q: What disorder do you have?
A: anorexia and bulimia.
Q: Why did you lie about it for so long?
A: shame. fear. not seeing a way out.
Q: What motivated you to recover?
A: My heart stopped and I nearly died. Seeing the look of worry on Brendon’s face when I was woken up out of a medical coma was enough to finally knock some sense into me. Initially, I wanted to recover for him. Over time I had to realize that I needed to do it for me too.
Q: How long did you spend in treatment?
A: Almost five months. I did an inpatient treatment program.
Q: Did Brendon help with recovery?
A: Couldn’t have done it without him. Jon and Spencer had my back too, of course.
Q: How long have you been dealing with the disorder?
A: I started restricting about 9 years ago. Started purging 3-4 years ago. I never told anyone and they only found out by accident.
Q: What caused you to start?
A : Not going to go too deep into this but some terrible personal issues and low self esteem, I guess
.
Q: Do you wish you never started?
A: I mean of course I do. It’s not a fate I’d wish on even my worst enemy.
Q: What really happened when you passed out on stage last tour? Was it the flu like Brendon said?
A: He was just trying to protect me. The truth was I hadn’t eaten in three days. I passed out mostly from dehydration. Kinda embarrassing in hindsight.
Q: So that picture of you with the feeding tube in was real?
A: Yeah. Unfortunately. I was on that damn thing for like two months. That tape was always itchy.
Q: How are you dealing with it now?
A: Carefully controlled meal plans, therapy, trying not to bottle everything up inside, not letting myself fall into old habits, taking things a day at a time. Brendon also threatened to kick my ass if I did it again. Have you seen his Kung fu skills? You’d be scared too.
Q: What do you wish people knew about EDs?
A: That they literally rewire your brain’s response to food forever. It’s not as simple as just ‘oh if you eat you’ll be healthy again.’ No. It’s an addiction, and an incredibly dangerous one at that. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate, it can take anyone at any time: your friend from school, your sibling, your parents. Anyone can get sucked into this trap. It can break you. It’s taken me so long to do even simple things like eat at a restaurant with my friends. I felt judged and constantly watched even when I wasn’t. I still struggle with anything revolving food and I probably always will.
Add to that, there’s all the nasty side effects that people sweep under the rug. Your hair thins and becomes a brittle fragile mess. Your heart feels like it always beats too fast or too slow. The dizziness, the shaking, the always being cold. Being tired all the time. The compulsions and rituals. The relapses. The hiding, lying and excuses. It’s not all stick thin models and romanticized tumblr ‘thinspiration’. It’ll tear you apart from the inside out. It’s ugly. It’s a fate no one deserves.
Q: What was your key to recovery?
A: Admitting I had a problem. That and realizing that most people don’t get to where I was and get to come back from it. By all accounts I should’ve died. I don’t know why I got a second chance but I’d be dumb to not take it, wouldn’t I?
Q: What do I do to have my sibling/friend/etc get help?
A: It’s hard to answer this. You can’t force help on someone who isn’t ready to take it. It’s sad and it’s scary. But if they aren’t in the right mindset to get help they aren’t going to improve. This disorder warps your perception of yourself. They literally don’t see what you do. Just continue to support them as best you can till they’re ready to take that step to improve.
Q: What surprised you most while in recovery?
A: Just how underweight I was. Bren and I are similar sized, like height-wise and stuff. He weighs around 170 while I was barely 100. I refused to believe it. It seemed insane to me. That much of a jump seemed impossible to me. That’s how much this disorder warped my image of myself. By all accounts I should be dead.
Q: Do you ever think you’ll be fully recovered?
A: I’m not sure but at the very least I’d settle for being content in my body and not having to think twice about food. Maybe one day I’ll get there, until then it’s one step at a time .
Q: Why didn’t you just start eating again?
A: I’m going to assume you aren’t trying to be ignorant. There’s a lot of factors that go into this. Some mental, and some physical. Anorexia literally shrinks your stomach, so even if you wanted to you can’t go straight to eating “normal” portions. That’s not even counting that you have to completely retrain your brain’s response to food. Also refeeding syndrome is an absolute bitch.
Q: Any advice for someone who’s currently struggling?
A: It’ll be the hardest thing you’ll ever do but reach out and ask for help. Build your support system even if it’s just friends online, have people you can turn to and who hold you accountable. It’s gets better. Life isn’t worth being skinny. One day down the road, you’ll be thankful you did.
He sighs as he clicks the post button. He knows Brendon and Spence follow his blog and will probably quickly see the post. He closes his laptop and gets up to head back to his bunk. He climbs in and lays down and curls up on his side, wondering if he just made some sort of huge mistake. What if this is all he becomes known for? He doesn’t want to be defined by this. His stomach twists into knots with anxiety as he over thinks his decision. He considers opening the laptop back up and deleting the post but ultimately he decides to just leave it up. Maybe it’ll help somebody out there.