Chapter Text
Roses are red, violets are blue, Stede Bonnet has no need for romance, neither do you!
Stede crumbles the flier with his fist and waves it in front of his soon-to-be-fired executive assistant’s face. “This is the best you could do?”
Lucius shrugs. “You said to get creative with it.”
“This is not what I meant,” Stede snaps, and tosses it into the trash under the kitchen sink. “It’s not on brand at all.”
“Well, given you blew off all our branding meetings to focus on getting fitted for your wardrobe for the week, I really don’t think I’m to blame here,” Lucius says. “That’s the exact point of this whole sleepaway camp, isn’t it? Proving to yourself that you’re happy being single?”
“It’s not a sleepaway camp.” Stede moves to the refreshment station and begins preparing himself a hot tea. His nerves will need it. “It’s a retreat to empower adults to feel confident and content with themselves regardless of their relationship status, and to have the opportunity to convene with other like-minded individuals. Who all just happen to be single.”
“Ah.” Lucius looks down at the folder in his hands. “Then I guess you’re not going to like the name I came up with?”
Stede snatches the folder from Lucius and opens it up, his stomach sinking to his well-pedicured toes at the sight of the words on the mockup.
STEDE BONNET’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB SLEEPAWAY CAMP
“Lucius!” Stede shouts. “You can’t run this.”
“It’s a little late, given the camp begins in four hours.”
“Stop calling it a camp!” Stede slams the folder down on the counter. “There’s nothing camp about it!”
Lucius raises his eyebrows and lets his eyes fall from Stede’s magenta sweater, teal scarf, and plum trousers. “I’d beg to differ.”
“Lucius!”
“Look, Stede, I don’t know what you expect,” Lucius says. “You’re holding it at a campground. You’re all staying in cute little cabins with communal showers. You’re running camp activities. And you’re all single and loving it. Supposedly. How exactly is this not a camp?”
“Because the name is retreat, for one,” Stede says. The water is boiling now, and he pours it over the Earl Grey teabag. “And because it’s winter.”
“Yeah, I had some questions about myself, to be honest,” Lucius says. “Were all the ski lodges booked or something?”
Yes, actually, but Lucius hasn’t earned the right to that kind of privileged information, as far as Stede’s concerned. “I simply preferred the atmosphere of the campground. It better calls to mind new friendships. Fun. Bonding!”
“You and I had very different experiences at camp,” Lucius says. He steeples his fingers together. “Fine. Well, maybe when we get there I’ll have the coordinators take down some of the signage and we can make some adjustments.”
“I should hope so.” Stede tosses the teabag out and takes a sip. Ah, sweet, sweet relief.
Could be a lot sweeter if you weren’t so stingy with the sugar.
A sharp pang shoots through Stede’s chest. Three months, and the pain of losing Ed is still excruciating. He’d thought maybe with time it would fade, but it only grows worse by the day. He still hears Ed’s voice in his head, commenting about his day. Any time he hears footsteps behind him, or a figure emerging from around the corner, his heart stops for just long enough for him to realize it’s not him. Whenever he looks at his phone, he expects to see a message from him, expects to see a response to one of the thousands Stede has sent him since they last saw each other.
Today I had one of those coffee drinks that’s really more of a milkshake. It was supposed to taste of caramel apple, but it was so sweet I think it dissolved my taste buds. You would have loved it.
Do you think I could pull off an earring? I always loved yours. I’d probably look ridiculous, though. But maybe you could design one for me that would look nice?
I dreamed of you again last night. Well, I dream of you most nights, but usually by the time I wake the specifics all vanish into the night air, kind of like how you did. But this time I could remember everything — it was just the two of us, in our robes, and you were making breakfast and I was trying to get our pet octopus down from the top of the refrigerator but he wouldn’t stop mooing at me while he waved his little tentacles at me. Dreams are weird. I miss you.
His hand goes, as it often does when his mind is drawn to Ed, to the pikorua lying against his sternum. He should take off the necklace, he knows. It’s not as if Ed is wearing his any longer. But even Ed had said the twist was symbolic of the natural ebbs and flows of life, and how two people’s paths intersect. This is just a… more permanent ebb.
Permanent silence.
But it’s fine. That’s why he’s having this retreat. He’ll make a bunch of new friends, and they’ll all boost each other’s spirits while roasting s’mores and making friendship bracelets and—
Stede frowns. When he puts it like that, it does sound like a sleepaway camp.
No matter. It’ll all click into place when they get there.
He takes another long sip of his tea. “Well, I guess I should get my luggage from my office and head over. Are you sure you don’t want a ride?”
“Nah, I’m good,” Lucius says. “My fiancé is driving me.”
“Fiancé?” Stede furrows his brow. “I thought you were single.”
“Um, no. Got engaged last month. You bought me a pair of hiking boots as a present and said I’d need them because love is a slippery thing and I may need to chase after it.”
“Really? That doesn’t sound like me.”
Lucius hums, a thin smile on his face. “Anything else?”
“No, I don’t think so.” Stede downs the rest of his tea. “Oh, you never told me who else would be joining us to facilitate the activities. Is it Evelyn?”
Lucius snorts. “Oh, fuck no. Zero interest there.”
“Not surprising,” Stede says. “Although, between the two of us, I think she could use some restful retreat vibes. Who is it then? Please tell me it’s not Ricky in HR. You know, I’m really thinking of getting rid of him. The man is creepy. Seems to follow me everywhere.”
As if on cue, Ricky, obnoxious stalk of cauliflower that he is, pokes his head into the kitchen. “Mr. Bonnet,” he says, and rolls Stede’s suitcase out in front of him. “I heard you were about to leave, so I thought I’d bring your luggage to you.”
Stede represses the urge to scrunch up his nose as he accepts his suitcase. There’s something so slimy about the man, and he doesn’t particularly like him touching his things. “Thank you,” he forces himself to say. If nothing else, his father taught him to be polite.
“It’ll do you some good to get away,” Ricky says. “Nothing like some fresh air to soothe your grief.”
Stede frowns as he discreetly squirts the handle of his suitcase with hand sanitizer. He’s not sure how Ricky would know anything about what happened with Ed. Stede has been very careful to remain completely professional at work, only revealing his pain to his most trusted, loyal assistant… who is currently drawing hearts sporting gigantic frowns and big, dramatic tears falling from their heavily-lashed eyeballs on the communal dry erase board. Hmm.
“Losing your father must be so hard.”
Oh, right. Him.
“Yes, thank you, Ricky,” Stede says. “I’m looking forward to it. Thank you for reminding me I needed to make use of my PTO.”
“That’s my job,” Ricky says. “Rest assured, the company will be in good hands while you’re away.”
Stede doesn’t particularly give a damn about the company. It could burn to the ground while he’s away for all he cares, except then he’d probably have to deal with a whole bunch of annoying paperwork upon his return. And he supposes it is nice to have a bit of a distraction. So, assuming his best Very Serious Principal of Prestigious Firm face, he nods at Ricky, and utters another word of thanks.
Once Ricky leaves the kitchen area, Lucius turns back to Stede and laughs. “Yeah, if you thought I was going to spend a whole week with that nosy knucklehead, you’ve really lost it.” Lucius grabs his jacket from the back of a chair and pulls it over his shoulder. “No, don’t worry about it. We’ll have plenty of help.”
Stede pauses. Lucius suspiciously seems to be dodging the question. “Lucius.”
“Oh, would you look at the time?” Lucius asks, very pointedly not looking at a clock, watch, or phone. “Pete’ll be waiting for me. See you in a couple hours!”
Lucius is gone before Stede can get another word out. He undoubtedly is up to some trouble; he probably got Fettering from accounting to step in and is afraid of Stede finding out. No matter. If that ends up being the case, he’ll just make sure Lucius is paired up with him at all times so he won’t annoy Stede with his depressingly drab self.
Stede will have a wonderful week. He’ll make new friends. He’ll grow more confident with himself. He’ll pick up some new skills.
And then he’ll completely forget about Edward Teach.
Stede tucks the last of his sweaters into the far too small dresser attached to the foot of his bed and shoves the drawer closed. The accommodations are… not ideal. He’d been picturing a quaint, rustic cabin tucked away in the woods, and while that is technically an accurate description, everything’s just far more… bleak.
His bed is a small twin-sized mattress made of some sort of squeaky vinyl, identical to the three others located in each corner of the room. There is no wardrobe, just what looks like a tiny closet with a single dowel rod in it with the door removed, joined to a set of awkwardly-sized shelves. Fluorescent lighting overhead casts the room in an unnatural, unflattering glow.
But, none of that matters! Stede’s not here for a week at the spa. He’s here to boost his mind, body, and spirit. He’s here to make friends and form a community that will hopefully last long after the week ends. He’s here to have fun!
…although perhaps he might have time to run to the store and pick up an exceptionally plush mattress pad first.
There’s a knock at the door, and Stede sadly banishes that hope from his mind. “Come in!”
Lucius stands at the entryway holding a clipboard. “Just wanted to let you know the campers are starting to arrive.”
“Stop calling them campers!” Stede says. “It sounds so juvenile. We’re all mature adults here.”
“Okay, so, what do you want me to call them?” Lucius asks. “The singles?”
Stede rolls his eyes. “Defining people by their relationship status is exactly what this retreat is against, Lucius. It’s the very worst thing we could do.”
“But I thought the point was that they are all single. Except for me, of course. And Pete.”
“They’re guests,” Stede says. “Our guests are arriving.”
“Great,” Lucius says. “Our guests, who all happen to be single but we’re not calling attention to that, are arriving. Do you want to greet them?”
“Yes, I suppose I — wait, if our guests are arriving, and you and I are both here, who’s checking them in?”
“Our extra help arrived,” Lucius says. “Didn’t have time to unpack yet, clearly, since you still have this whole luxurious cabin to yourself, but was able to settle in and get right to work.”
“Well, it’s definitely not Fettering, then,” Stede mutters. “He hasn’t gotten right to work once in his life.” He pauses. “What did you say about my cabin?”
“Well, this is the staff cabin, isn’t it?” Lucius asks. “Wouldn’t you assume the other member of the staff would be here with you?”
“You’re not.”
“That’s because I have engaged privileges,” Lucius says. “I came with my fiancé as a guest. Wouldn’t be appropriate to share a cabin with other singles. Might make them all jealous.”
Stede frowns. This is not what he had planned. After a day of bustling activities and bonding with strangers, he’s absolutely going to need an entire cabin to himself to decompress, especially since this is going on for a whole week. That much socialization makes his brain feel like it’s abuzz with a billion buzzing bees. If he’s not able to let them rest at night, well…
The world will have to face Bitchy Bonnet in the morning.
Ed’s voice reverberates through Stede’s head, and that familiar pang pierces his chest. Ed understood. He understood how Stede needed time to himself each night, even if his day had been filled with fun activities he’d been looking forward to. He understood what it felt like to have all your insides so tightly wound up by the end of the day that Stede thought he might explode if someone else so much as uttered a “hello, how are you?” to him. And he didn’t think Stede was weird, or rude, or annoying for it. He understood that’s just how he was.
Ed was also the only one who was exempt from this rule. Ed never felt like “one more voice.” Ed was only… Ed. Even after the busiest of days when Stede’s social battery was so depleted it had begun draining from the next day’s, seeing Ed was a balm to his soul. Hearing his voice had the same effect as a new novel in a lavender-scented bubble bath, or a finger of fine brandy, or a lush cashmere blanket wrapped up tightly around him.
Now, when Stede returns home from those days, he is only surrounded by silence.
It isn’t as soothing as it once was.
“Stede?”
“There are no other cabins available?” Stede asks. “Perhaps we could shift some sleeping arrangements around. It doesn’t really seem appropriate for the boss to be sharing a cabin with an employee. Ricky would never let me hear the end of it, and I’d be forced to fire him.”
“Not a one, I’m afraid,” Lucius says. “We got the only ones that aren’t currently under renovation. Dangers of hosting a camp… I mean, retreat, at a campsite during the offseason.”
Stede sighs. Perhaps he could draw up a curtain or something to divide the room. It wouldn’t be the same, since he’d likely be able to hear the other person’s undoubtedly annoying breathing, but it might make it slightly more tolerable. “Yes, fine, alright. I suppose it’s only for the week.”
“That’s the spirit.” Lucius grins. “Shall we go meet your guests?”
Stede runs his fingers through his hair, giving it a light tousle. Not that it matters, since it’s not like he’s using his time here to impress anybody with anything other than his charming wit and sparkling personality, but he does want to make a good first impression. Satisfied, he nods to Lucius.
“Let’s go.”
Check-in takes place at the mess hall, about a ten minute walk from Stede’s cabin. The air is crisp, and the grass crunches beneath his boots as he and Lucius make their way over. It’s a bit colder than Stede would have liked, given all the outdoor activities he had planned, but he supposes at least they’re lucky there’s no snow in the forecast until the following week.
On the way there they run into two guests making their way to their cabin, Oluwande Boodhari and Jim Jimenez. Oluwande seems like a rather friendly fellow with a big smile and a beanie that looks both warm and stylish. Stede makes a mental note to ask him where he got it when they chat next. Jim seems… a bit less friendly, and doesn’t seem particularly interested in talking, but that’s probably because they’re from Florida and haven’t yet adjusted to the cold weather.
“I checked in with Steak Knife,” Lucius says once they say their farewells. “Everything is all set for the big dinner tonight.”
“Checked in with who?”
“Steak Knife, the chef,” Lucius says. “You signed the contract. Didn’t you read it?”
Stede shoves his hands in his pockets. “I knew you would tell me about all of the important bits. You’re welcome for the unwavering trust, by the way.”
Lucius rolls his eyes. “Well, Steak Knife says the doors will open at six, and food will begin to be served about fifteen minutes after that.”
“Great. Wonderful. Perfect.” Having reached the entrance to the mess hall, Stede frowns. Hanging above the doorway is a large banner in glittery pinks and purples and reds proclaiming it to be the check-in site for Stede Bonnet’s Lonely Hearts Club Sleepaway Camp. At least, that’s what Stede thinks it’s supposed to say. Given all the lowercase o’s and a’s are small hearts, it takes Stede a few goes to interpret. “Lucius! I thought you were getting rid of this garbage.”
“Oh, sorry,” Lucius says, not sounding sorry at all. He stretches one arm about halfway up. “I couldn’t reach.”
Stede rolls his eyes and throws open the door. Hopefully all the guests are very short and missed the signs. Hopefully the rest have been taken down. Hopefully this is all a success, tacky signs and terrible name aside. Hopefully they all like him.
The back of Stede’s neck grows hot and his belly rolls unpleasantly. Oh, no. What the hell had he been thinking? This, this gathering? Bringing a bunch of strangers to a secluded location in hopes of boosting their self-esteem, and acting like he knew the answers? Him! Stede Bonnet! He didn’t even know why his best friend had left him, just slipped out without a word, after what Stede thought had been the most incredible day of their lives.
He’s pathetic. He’s a disaster. He has nothing. They’re going to hate him.
“Don’t worry, mate. They’re gonna love you.”
Stede shakes his head. The Ed voice in his head is growing stronger by the second. This time it almost sounds like he’s actually in the room with him.
“Okay, then. Here’s a map, and a goody bag with some snacks. Oh, and a journal. For all your deep, innermost thoughts.”
Now that’s odd. Usually the Ed voice in his head speaks directly to him, not to anybody else. Unless his hallucinations have taken a deeper hold of him, which is probably cause for at least mild alarm. Perhaps staying at a house that looks like it’s barely still standing in the middle of the woods isn’t the best idea in his mental state.
Despite the high-pitched ringing in his ears, Stede makes his way through the small crowd (can one even call it a crowd if it’s less than a dozen people?), doing his best to say hello to them all as he goes, and heads toward the registration table. He just needs to sit down for a few minutes, maybe with a bottle of water, and…
“Hey, Stede.”
It’s Ed. His hair is long and loose and flowing over his shoulders, and it’s Ed. His face is a bit thinner than usual, and it’s Ed. There are crinkles around his eyes, and dark circles beneath them, and it’s Ed. He’s wearing a black sweater with a yellow zinnia as a boutonniere and it’s Ed. His lips are curved upwards, just the slightest bit, and. It’s. Ed.
It’s Ed.
Ed.
The ringing grows louder, and louder, and louder, until it’s all Stede can hear, and it’s in his throat, and then…
Darkness.
When Stede comes to, he’s lying on a hard, sticky floor and, despite his best efforts, he’s unable to sink into it until he is one with the magma of the earth and simply burns up in the molten liquid as quickly as he is burning up with embarrassment as a half dozen strangers stare down at him.
And Ed.
He attempts to rise to his feet, but dizziness quickly overtakes him and he falls back to the floor. “Fuck,” he groans. “My head.”
“Hey, hey,” Ed says, and his voice is so soft and gentle and Stede doesn’t know if that makes him want to cry or shake him. “Take it easy. The doctor’s going to check you out.”
“The… doctor?”
“Yeah, aren’t you lucky?” Lucius’ head appears behind Ed’s. “One of our guests is a physician. Roach.”
Stede blinks. He’s not sure if he’s hearing correctly or he’s hit his head so hard that words have lost all their meaning. A bug obviously couldn’t be a doctor. “I don’t…”
“Alright, Stede Bonnet!” A man with a full head of tight black curls and a face with the widest smile Stede has ever seen kneels next to him. “I’m Dr. Roach. Let’s make sure your brain isn’t couscous!”
A short examination later, and Stede’s brain is deemed not in immediate danger of boiling to mush. He’s helped to his feet, and then escorted over to a table and given a glass of water. A moment later a behemoth of a man with a shaved head, thick beard, and a surprising amount of cleavage for the afternoon hands him a frozen steak wrapped in a dish towel.
“Thanks, Steak Knife,” Ed says, and the man apparently known as Steak Knife nods and makes his exit.
Stede holds the steak up to his head and winces. Christ, this is embarrassing. He actually can’t think of a worst way to begin this week, just humiliating himself in front of everybody. And in front of Ed.
You can’t humiliate yourself in front of me, mate. Whatever it is, I’ve done far worse.
Stede looks over at Ed, but his lips aren’t moving.
It’s all in his mind.
The realization makes Stede’s heart ache just a little bit more.
“I like your flower,” Stede finally says, feeling extremely proud of himself for his mature, professional response.
Ed snorts and holds his fingers to the petals. “Thanks. When I heard I was on check-in duty, I figured I should dress myself up a bit. Swiped the flower from an arrangement on the other side of the mess hall.”
“It’s a nice pop of color,” Stede says.
Then, comfortable they’ve exchanged at least some token pleasantries, Stede thinks it’s fair that he state the obvious:
“I was surprised to see you here.”
Which, perhaps, is the understatement of the century. For three months he’d been wondering where the hell Ed had been, why he never returned any of his messages, why he had damn well slipped away in the middle of the night in the first place, why he had left him, how could he have left him?
And now he’s back, as casual as anything. Watching Stede pass out on the floor in front of him.
“Yeah, well,” Ed says, “Your assistant reached out to me and mentioned you needed an extra hand.”
Lucius?! Stede looks over at the man in question, who is blithely painting his fingernails an admittedly delightful shade of fuchsia.
“I don’t…”
“He said my profession as a jeweler would come in handy for the friendship bracelet making activity.”
Stede just barely resists the urge to roll his eyes. “And that worked on you?”
“Well, I had some free time on my schedule,” Ed says. He pauses. “And I —”
“Look, Ed,” Stede says. “We said we wouldn’t make it weird, right? So, let’s just. Do that.”
Ed blinks. “Do what?”
“Not make it weird,” Stede says. “You’re here, and that’s great. I think we’ll have a really fun week. Even if you’re vastly overqualified for the role.”
Ed looks down at his hands, then back up at Stede. “You’re right. Let’s not make it weird. Just have a good week, yeah?”
“Exactly,” Stede says, and plasters a big, fake smile across his face. “There’s a bonfire after dinner.”
“Love that,” Ed says. He slaps the table and rises to his feet. “Well, I should go. Gotta unpack before dinner.”
“Right,” says Stede. “I’ll, ah, save you a seat?”
Ed smiles, and it almost looks like the one Stede remembers. “Great. See you in a bit.”
He walks away, grabbing a duffel bag from under the table as he goes. Stede watches him until he completely disappears from view, then drops his head to the table and buries his face in his hands.
So much for forgetting all about Edward Teach.
Dinner that night is a rowdy, delicious affair, filled with plenty of distractions so Stede, despite having stayed true to his promise to save Ed a seat, does not have to unwrinkle his brain enough to form any kind of coherent conversation with him.
The food is served family-style by Stede’s request; he’s determined to ensure this entire group leaves the retreat bonded as one, and what better place to begin that than at meal times? Steak Knife provides a veritable feast: there’s a pork roast, mashed potatoes, roasted broccoli, a squash casserole, fresh-baked rolls, and a mouth-watering looking chocolate cake for dessert. Stede makes a mental note to see if he can find some kind of container so he can steal at least half of it for Ed.
Or.
Well.
He doesn’t need to do that.
If a man just ups and ghosts you, he doesn’t deserve chocolate cake, right?
Except Ed really loves chocolate cake.
And his eyes are already looking at it, and Stede can see he’s just dying for a big piece. And he’d take a bite and make all those incredible moaning sounds, and then he’d get just a bit of frosting stuck to the corner of his lip, and Stede would point it out and Ed would pretend to not know where he’s pointing so Stede would wipe it himself and—
Fuck.
With the determination of a much stronger man, Stede turns to take in his guests. There’s Oluwande and Jim, of course, who seem to be listening in rapt attention as a charming woman named Archie talks animatedly about all the snakes she works with. Next to Oluwande is Zheng, a woman of contradictions, who has frankly delightful high pigtails that somehow manage to look just as professional as they do playful, and a tentative, nervous smile even as she sits with a posture that suggests she’s used to commanding a room. Frenchie, the most stylishly dressed man Stede has ever known other than him, is chatting with Wee John (not at all wee) about sewing techniques. The physician who tended to him, Roach, is in an animated conversation with Steak Knife comparing their favorite knives. Feels mildly concerning, but who is Stede to judge? And then there’s Lucius with his supposed-fiancé Pete, talking with an incredibly cheerful older gentleman with a full white beard named Fang who can’t seem to stop giggling.
It’s a good group, Stede thinks. Not exactly what he was envisioning when he came up with the idea, but… a good group.
“So,” Ed leans closer to Stede so he can be heard over the din as he serves himself another helping of potatoes, “The agenda says tomorrow we have some guest speakers arriving?”
“Oh, yes.” Mentally, Stede switches into professional mode. Or attempts to, anyway. Best that he can when he’s hyper-focused on Ed’s hip pressing into his own. “They’re going to be with us for the rest of the week. I thought about leading all the sessions myself, but I felt the crew would benefit from hearing from professionals.”
Ed nods and takes a sip of water. “Of course. What’s their specialty?”
“They’re self-love gurus.”
Ed chokes, spewing water all across the table. The others — apparently worried more about some dumb germs than Ed’s very life — jump back in disgust, but Stede pounds furiously on Ed’s back.
“Ed! Ed, are you okay?”
Ed thuds his chest with his fist and shakes his head. A long, agonizing moment later, with tears at the corner of his eyes, he looks back at Stede.
“You said,” he says, his voice hoarse, “they’re self-love gurus?”
The man nearly chokes to death at dinner and all he can ask about is the week’s curriculum. Honestly. Stede’s missed this nut.
“Yes.” Stede pulls the website up on his phone. The reception is spotty here, so it takes a while for it to load, but he fills the silence as the page refreshes itself to share what he remembers. “We have two charming women coming. Their names are Anne Bonny and Mary Read. Truly experts in their field.”
“Uh huh,” Ed says. He peers down at Stede’s phone, which has finally finished loading the site, and reads from it. “Our self-love gurus will teach you how to come into your own, with or without a partner.”
“Exactly,” Stede says as he continues to scroll down the page. “You know, Lucius got the branding all wrong for the retreat. It’s not really a singles retreat. Technically, it’s open to anybody. We just happened to get a bunch of singles. Except for Lucius, who’s apparently engaged to Pete over there. Swear it was the first I heard of it. But I suppose he doesn’t really count since he’s staff.”
Ed makes a noise of agreement as he follows along the words on the page. “Got a rave review from this Jack Rackham fellow. ‘Bonny and Read taught me so much about myself. Not the kind of bullshit you read in books. Real, important shit, how to get to what’s deep inside and figure out what feels good. Would highly recommend.’”
“Sounds great, right?” Stede takes his phone back and shoves it into his pocket. “Lucius sent me a whole list of suggested speakers who focus on self-empowerment and independence and all that, but they all seemed so stuffy and blah. These two really stood out.”
“Yeah, I bet they did.” Ed rubs the tip of his nose. “Stede, mate, I think—”
Stede’s heart rate immediately picks up. He can’t do this here. Yes, obviously he wants to know why Ed ran off and what he’s been up to for the past three months, but… it’s too much. Not after he just passed out in front of everyone. They’d have the conversation at some point. Probably. Just. Not now.
“Oh, would you look at the time!” Stede jumps to his feet. “Have to start preparing for the bonfire.”
“Right.” Ed begins to stand up. “I’ll come with you.”
“Oh, no, finish your meal,” Stede says, aware his voice seems to have jumped up an octave. “Have some cake! I’ll see you there.”
And then, just as quickly as Ed must have done that night, Stede hurries out the door.
About two years ago, when Ed and Stede had been friends for about six months or so, they went on a day trip to a botanical garden that was hosting an event with an elaborate, illuminated fountain show. Stede had been a few times back when he lived nearby, and they had a weekend to kill, so they thought it would be a relaxing way to spend a night with some lovely spring weather.
As the Beatles blasted through a stereo system, water burst from the fountains in a stunning performance. It wasn’t so much water shooting through pipes as it was a ballet told through fluidic colors, leaping and pirouetting and through the night sky, soaring to impossible heights as the audience clapped and cheered.
Stede had looked over at Ed and seen his face illuminated with pinks and purples, his jaw hanging open, his lips curled in a wide grin. His eyes were sparkling as he took in the spectacle before them, and with every change of the colors, he clapped his hands together. At first Stede might have compared it to child-like wonder, and, perhaps, that was a part of it. Witnessing something new, being completely swept up in the moment, transported away to a place where magic exists and anything is possible, if only just for now. And to be next to someone as with that kind of delight on his face — of course it would take your breath away.
Except, Stede realized in a flash as quickly as the pinks and purples changed to blues and greens, it was something more than that.
It wasn’t just the lights. It wasn’t even Ed’s reaction to them.
It was Ed.
And Stede was in love with him.
Which… was a catastrophe, of course. Stede did not do well in romantic relationships. He always felt like he was saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, simply being wrong. He was somehow too much and not enough all wrapped up in one brightly colored package.
And Ed was his closest friend. He’d never known anyone like him. Everything just felt right around him. Stede couldn’t risk fucking that up. So he’d vowed to himself to never let on, to make sure that Ed would never know that he viewed him as anything more than just a good friend.
Now, watching the flames dance before them as the group laughed and drank and talked together, Stede can’t help but think of that night.
Ed’s face is cast in a warm glow, and his eyes are as vibrant and bright as the fire. There’s a smile on his face, and while it may not be as broad as it was the night when they watched the water dance, it’s genuine, and lovely, and oh, so perfectly Ed.
And Stede is still in love with him.
He can’t have him, though, of course. He’s learned that the hard way. But perhaps this… being friends again, could be nice.
“Ready for the activity, boss?”
Startled, Stede turns to Lucius, who is holding a stack of notecards and pens. “Yes, yes,” he says. “I guess it’s time.”
Lucius distributes the materials, and Stede stands on top of a large rock and cups his hands around his mouth.
“Alright, gang!” he shouts. “It’s time for our first activity! Lucius here is going to give you a paper and pen, and then I want you to write down your intention for the week. What is it you want to accomplish during our time together? What do you hope to see?”
“Like ‘set more things on fire’?” Wee John calls out.
“Ah, let’s look within,” Stede suggests. “Imagine yourself when you leave here at the end of the week. How do you hope to feel? What do you think might be different about yourself?”
The group nods and accepts their supplies.
“And then,” Stede continues, “we’ll toss them into the fire and watch the flames burn even brighter with all our hopes and dreams!”
“Is that a… good thing?” Frenchie asks.
“Yes, of course it is!” Stede steps down from his rock and uncaps his pen. “Now, go on, then! Reflect!”
“Love a good reflection,” Ed says. The pen cap is in his mouth as he scribbles something down on his card. “Got some killer hopes and dreams for the week.”
Stede tries not to blush. He doesn’t have a right to. He needs to remember that.
“Good,” he says. “Glad to hear it.”
Carefully, in his best penmanship that doesn’t even matter given it’s going to be ash in a few minutes anyway, Stede writes out his intention for the week:
I want Ed back in my life, in any way that he’ll have me.
Then, after giving Ed a tight smile, he steps toward the fire and drops the paper into the flames, watching them grow brighter with all of his hopes and dreams.