Chapter Text
When Regulus wakes up that morning, here’s not what he expected:
[2:34 a.m] Unknown number
*picture attached*
[8:54 a.m] Regulus
You know, you shouldn’t be sending these kinds of pictures to some random person.
[11:07 a.m] Unknown number
ehh- sorry?
are you not that girl from yesterday’s party?
[11:17 a.m] Regulus
Not a girl, sorry
[11:19 a.m] Unknown number
what were you doing replying to some guy’s dick pic
[12:03 p.m] Regulus
What were you doing flashing some poor girl with a dick pic?
[12:07 p.m] Unknown number
touché
i was very drunk
i’m james btw
[12:12 p.m] Regulus
Shouldn’t be telling me this either.
[12:14 p.m] Unknown number
you’re just some guy from the internet
it’s not like you could ever track me down
[12:32 p.m] Regulus
You don’t know me.
I could be some IT nerd who’s already tracked your number by now.
[12:35 p.m] Unknown number
you’re not though
[12:38 p.m] Regulus
How do you know? I’m almost in London.
[12:41 p.m] Unknown number is typing…
[12:57 p.m] Regulus
I was kidding. We have the same area code.
[1:01 p.m] Unknown number
right
what did you think of the dick pic though?
[1:03 p.m] Regulus
I’m a guy
[1:06 p.m] Unknown number
so what
i’d give you my honest opinion on your dick
[1:13 p.m] Regulus
I’ll pass.
[1:17 p.m] Unknown number
you’re not some old creep, right?
[1:21 p.m] Regulus
Yeah, that’s exactly the reason why I don’t want to give you my opinion on a picture of your dick.
[1:24 p.m] Unknown number
you’re not funny
[1:33 p.m] Regulus
Yet you keep texting me.
[1:37 p.m] Unknown number
how old are you then?
[2:03 p.m] Regulus
Now why would I tell you this?
[2:08 p.m] Unknown number
just humour me for a while
i’m hungover
i’m bored
and padfoot is still asleep
[2:11 p.m] Regulus
Sounds like a personal problem.
[2:13 p.m] Unknown number
well?
[2:15 p.m] Regulus
What if I told you I was fifteen?
[2:17 p.m] Unknown number
no fifteen year old texts like that
[2:21 p.m] Regulus
Hm.
[2:24 p.m] Unknown number
so?
[2:45 p.m] Regulus
22.
[3:21 p.m] Regulus
Did my age shock you this much?
[3:34 p.m] Unknown number
sorry, padfoot woke up and threw up
all over the floor
i’m 23
[3:35 p.m] Regulus
So not an old guy, huh.
[3:38 p.m] Unknown number
now since it’s all legal here
do you ever get so hungover that your head feels like it’s not your own?
[4:02 p.m] Regulus
I don’t really drink.
[4:06 p.m] Unknown number
oh how unfortunate
why?
[4:11 p.m] Regulus
I’m not telling you shit.
[4:13 p.m] Unknown number
i mean it’s okay if you don’t
it’s just surprising that’s all
[5:18 p.m] Unknown number
okay let’s see it this way:
i’m some random guy on the internet and no matter what you tell me there’s a very slight chance of anyone ever knowing, so you might as well tell me
[5:34 p.m] Regulus
Do you have no life?
[5:47 p.m] Unknown number
it’s sunday and i’m hungover
so no
[5:51 p.m] Regulus
Well, I do. So back off, dick pic guy.
[6:01 p.m] Unknown number
you already have a nickname for me <3
what’s there to do on a sunday?
[6:05 p.m] Regulus
Sunday’s church day.
[6:07 p.m] Unknown number
no way
you’re like religious then?
[6:09 p.m] Regulus
Man, would I like to see your face right now.
My parents are.
[6:11 p.m] Unknown number
I mean i could send you a pic
[6:14 p.m] Regulus
Fuck off.
[Read: 6:17p.m]
“the skittles”
[7:22 p.m] Reginald
Some random guy texted me a dick pic, life’s only going downwards, help
[7:27 p.m] Bartemius
oh no you poor soul
was it at least a good dick?
[7:28 p.m] Dora the explorer
Don’t listen to barty, did you tell him to piss off?
[7:28 p.m] Barty’s wife
No wait
Barty is so right
Share with the class, Black
[7:29 p.m] Reginald
I’m not sending you this guy’s dick, you guys are just horny
[7:31 p.m] Bartemius
what’s the point then
[7:31 p.m] Reginald
He kept texting me the whole day
[7:31 p.m] Dora the explorer
Wait
[7:31 p.m] Barty’s wife
Hahaha
He’s texting the dick guy
[7:32 p.m] Reginald
I mean
[7:32 p.m] Bartemius
it has to be a good dick
SHOW US YOU TRAITOR
[7:33 p.m] Dora the explorer
You’re hopeless, Reg
[7:33 p.m] Reginald
I’m hopeless? Barty’s begging for the dick pic here
[7:34 p.m] Barty’s wife
You both are, that’s what she’s saying
Also,
Barty is eating at home
[7:33 p.m] Reginald
Gross 🤢
[7:32 p.m] Bartemius
oh babe, youre just jealous
[9:31 p.m] Cas
WAIT WHAT DID I MISS
James & Regulus
[9:47 p.m] dick pic guy
do you think she did it on purpose?
[9:51 p.m] Regulus
Excuse me?
[9:53 p.m] dick pic guy
i mean, she gave me the wrong number
[9:54 p.m] Regulus
You would’ve sent her a dick pic
[9:55 p.m] dick pic guy
you’re not taking me seriously
[9:56 p.m] Regulus
Why do you keep texting me?
[10:01 p.m] dick pic guy
you seem nice
[10:03 p.m] Regulus
Attachment issues much?
[10:11 p.m] dick pic guy
listen
i feel called out and i don’t appreciate it
anyways
do you think she didn’t fancy me?
[10:22 p.m] Regulus
How would I know? I’m not that big in the women’s department
[10:23 p.m] dick pic guy
Oh
Me neither
[10:25 p.m] Regulus
Yeah, right
[10:27 p.m] dick pic guy
SO YOU COULD TELL ME
[10:28 p.m] Regulus
No.
[10:29 p.m] dick pic guy
hm
[10:30 p.m] Regulus
Why do you read so much into that girl giving you the wrong number though? So this happened, move on.
[10:31 p.m] dick pic guy
i don’t know
i miss being in love
[10:32 p.m] Regulus
James, you don’t fall in love over a dick pic
[10:33 p.m] dick pic guy
like i said, i was pretty drunk
i wouldn’t have sent that otherwise
i don’t usually sent dick pics
[10:34 p.m] Regulus
I should feel lucky then.
[10:36 p.m] dick pic guy
oh you should
[10:38 p.m] Regulus
It’s a nice dick, don’t worry.
[Read: 10:41 p.m]
Regulus & Barty
Monday
[7:32 a.m] Reginald
I think I’ve made a mistake
[10:21 a.m] Bartemius
what did you do and why the hell are you awake that early
[10:25 a.m] Reginald
You know some of us have class in the morning.
[10:28 a.m] Reginald
I maybe told him that he has a nice dick.
And I know it doesn’t matter, because he doesn’t even know my name.
But he has read the message and not replied.
Do I even react?
This is making me anxious, Barty. That’s why I never talk to people
[10:30 a.m] Bartemius
you told him what now
do you even know his name??
[10:33 a.m] Reginald
Yeah, I do.
[10:36 a.m] Bartemius
okay lets rewind real quick right,
this dude sends you a dick pic
and your reaction is to tell him he has a nice dick???
[10:38 a.m] Reginald
In my defence, he does have a nice dick.
[10:39 a.m] Bartemius
what the fuck reg
[10:41 a.m] Reginald
So what, I told him he has a nice dick. No need to worry right, he’s literally just a guy
[10:44 a.m] Bartemius
i mean sure, you definitely pushed his ego there
[10:47 a.m] Reginald
You’re right, I’m pathetic.
[10:49 a.m] Bartemius
i can’t argue with that
[10:50 a.m] Reginald
What do I do now? As my best friend you’re supposed to help me
[10:52 a.m] Bartemius
i think that only counts if you don’t do shit like that
if you get murdered, that’s on you
[10:54 a.m] Reginald
I’m trying not to get murdered, thank you very much
[10:55 a.m] Bartemius
good, because walburga would blame me
and i’m very fond of my life
[10:54 a.m] Reginald
Shut up, you’re not helping
James & Regulus
[11:23 a.m] dick pic guy
you know, you never told me your name
i currently have you saved as
“wrong number dude”
[11:25 a.m] Regulus
I’m not telling you either, wrong number dude will do.
Good thing I don’t have you saved.
[11:27 a.m] dick pic guy
well i do know for a fact that’s a lie
[11:29 a.m] Regulus
Really? How so?
[11:31 a.m] dick pic guy
you didn’t have a profile picture before and now you have one, which only means you must have saved my contact
[Read: 11:33 a.m]
[11:35 a.m] dick pic guy
i can smell lies from a mile away
you’re panicking aren’t you
[Read: 11:35 a.m]
[12:03 p.m] Regulus
Okay so you basically know what I look like, that’s fucking fantastic.
[12:05 p.m] dick pic guy
i mean, there isn’t much to see
it’s just the back of your head and a
kitten?
[12:07 p.m] Regulus
That’s enough.
[12:11 p.m] dick pic guy
you know what my dick looks like so that’s at least a fair trade
[12:13 p.m] Regulus
I’m
I need to bury myself right fucking now
[12:15 p.m] dick pic guy
it’s kinda hot when you cuss, keep doing it
[12:17 p.m] Regulus
You’re insufferable.
[12:19 p.m] dick pic guy
that’s okay
we all make mistakes
[12:24 p.m] Regulus
So which one in your profile picture are you?
[12:27 p.m] dick pic guy
why would i tell you this? i don’t even know your name
[12:30 p.m] Regulus
It’s only fair! You’ve seen me
[12:31 p.m] dick pic guy
i saw the back of your head
not the same thing, love
[12:33 p.m] Regulus
So you’re the short one, got it.
[12:35 p.m] dick pic guy
oh i’m not falling for that
[12:37 p.m] Regulus
The one with the leather jacket? You give me leather jacket vibes.
[12:39 p.m] dick pic guy
you know for someone who tried to tell me he hasn’t saved my contact you’re pretty interested in what i look like
[12:41 p.m] Regulus
You’re required to tell me
[12:43 p.m] dick pic guy
oh, am i?
[12:45 p.m] Regulus
Okay so if I tell you my name
[12:45 p.m] dick pic guy
i like where this is going
[12:47 p.m] Regulus
Just call me Reg, that will do
[12:48 p.m] dick pic guy
is that even your real name?
[12:49 p.m] Regulus
It’s a nickname.So?
[12:51 p.m] dick pic guy
the guy with the glasses
[12:52 p.m] Regulus
Huh.
[12:52 p.m] dick pic guy
was nice doing business with you :)
[Read: 12:52 p.m]
Regulus & Barty
[12:52 p.m] Reginald
I can’t do this, Barty