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Dottore’s segments are some of the most cunning, cruel beings to exist. They follow their creator’s orders to the letter, their artificial hearts devoid of mercy. They were not afraid to push the boundaries of morality and dabbled in the forbidden.
Prime Dottore’s laboratory was always busy. Segments and lab assistants ran around, carrying papers and materials in their arms. Fatui soldiers cowered in fear just behind the door. If you were unlucky, you’d find the 9th harbinger in Prime’s office. If your luck really were out, you’d find a screaming test subject strapped to the vivisection table and the cold stare of Dottore’s assistant.
Dottore’s assistant was notorious. Everyone knew to be wary of them. Getting on their bad side meant getting on Dottore’s as well. The Fatui recruits who found out too late didn’t last. Today was one of the unlucky days. As they assisted Prime in cleaning up the mess on his table, a segment approached them with a smug smile.
“If you were an element, you’d be Francium because you’re the most attractive” One of the younger segments, Beta, started. His face froze into an awkward smirk as silence followed his attempt.
The older segments froze. Alpha almost dropped the beating heart that was trapped in a jar.
Another segment cackled. It was Omega. Of course, Omega would be the one to laugh at the misery of the younger segments. He was the most advanced after all. He took great pride in that fact; almost too much.
Beta’s face burned in embarrassment. Unlike the lucky ones with crow-like masks or round, black-and-white ones, Beta had his whole face on display for their dear assistant to witness his embarrassment.
The younger segments laughed for a different reason. One of the smartest beings in Teyvat, feared by many(for good reason), just said something so unbelievably bad that they wondered how that thought even formed in Beta’s mind.
The older segments knew, though. Unfortunately, they knew this memory well enough to recite it word for word. Alpha, being the very first segment, was visibly dying on the inside. His fingers gripped the jar so hard that the heart inside it shook lightly.
Then, there was a loud bang. Two, actually.
The first was Prime dropping a severed head on the floor. Blood pooled around his shoes and the operating table. But that was the least of his worries. The second bang came from when he slammed his fist on the table. Prime’s ears were red in embarrassment as the memories of their days in the Akademiya all came rushing back to him in an instant.
Their assistant, however? The recipient of Beta’s laughable attempt at flirting? They held onto the blood-stained edges of the vivisection table as their small giggles turned into full laughter. It was exactly like the day when they first heard those words. Prime’s embarrassment didn’t help in calming their laughter either. No, he made it worse, actually.
“I still can’t believe you agreed to a date after that pathetic display,” Alpha muttered to the assistant that was dying of laughter.
“What can I say? I like pathetic men,” they said in between their laughter and slight wheezing.
“Your taste is as strange as ever,” Omega commented.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m so in love with you guys,” they quipped.
Prime let out a noise that could only be described as a mixture of a whimper, a groan, and a yelp.
“Beta! You’re going on an expedition tomorrow!” Prime said with the sternest voice he could muster. His ears, however, made it hard for the segments to take him seriously.
“Did Prime really say that?”
“I guess even Prime wasn’t immune to the awkward teen years”
“Thank Archons I don’t have that memory”
“I would’ve used a different pickup line”
“Your thoughts are so damn loud!” Prime exclaimed in exasperation.
The assistant decided to approach Prime with a tap on the shoulder. He was visibly calming down from the barrage of embarrassing memories. That was until he noticed the look on their face. It was the same look they had whenever they messed with Pantalone for fun.
“So, do you still think I’d be Francium if I was an element?”
A decapitated body flew that day, along with the entire vivisection table. Prime had to be scolded by Pierro and Pantalone about taking care of his equipment.