Chapter Text
Up until he started high school, Diluc’s life had been quite simple.
Every morning his father walked him to church, where he and the other children would pray and sing before classes started. School for such a small town meant three classrooms in which students were grouped according their age range, and the most classmates Diluc had at once was seven. Of all them, he always had felt the closest to Jean, perhaps because she was the only one his same age.
When he wasn’t playing with Jean, he’d spend time with his father. All Diluc knew about his mother he had learned it from him, but he had never wanted for anything, as their community was a tight one. In his town, neighbours helped each other, like a big, extended family – so different from the people who lived in big cities, he’d been told.
According to the other adults in his community, their so-called progressive ideals had led them to lose touch with tradition, worshipping celebrities and brands instead. Diluc had been warned to never imitate them, because that vapid lifestyle always led them to depression and drug abuse.
“You’ll be happy as long as you never forget what matters the most: family and faith,” they would tell him.
So when he turned fourteen, Diluc couldn’t help the anxiety building inside of him. He had visited New Mondstadt a few times before, always worried that he’d be separated from his father amidst the bustling crowd, but never for more than a day or two. Now, he’d have to go there daily.
His first day of high school started in the early morning, before the sun rose, and he waited for the bus with Jean. Her presence was a great comfort, and he felt a little less lost with her by his side.
During that first hour-long ride, they had plenty of time to notice how the other teenagers would look increasingly rebellious as they approached the city, from the way they modified their uniforms to how loud and crass they were.
After the first couple weeks, Diluc was surprised to see how different he and Jean were from many of the other students. Despite being enrolled in a religious school, many of the students there didn’t seem to care much about their faith, or wouldn’t be deeply embarrassed if the teachers reprimanded them.
“We told you, that’s how life in the city is,” he was told when he mentioned it back in his hometown. “So young, and already trying to destroy themselves…”
“Shouldn’t we help them?” Diluc asked.
“We should, but don’t let them drag you down with them.”
Indeed, Diluc tried to be kind to everyone around them – if they were on a path to suffering, it was the least he could do. So when he met Kaeya, he knew he had to be extra kind.
Diluc’s heart was about to leap from his chest the first time they spoke: he wore a couple thin, dark bracelets with spikes, and his nails were painted black –which had him sent to detention so he removed it–, and he seemed to have not a single care in the world… especially because Kaeya was asking him to borrow a pen, claiming he forgot his pencilcase at home and needed to finish homework real quick before the next period.
“I can help you with that,” Diluc had suggested, swallowing past his unease at the idea of being in Kaeya’s place. He was sure he’d cry if a teacher yelled at him in public like they did at Kaeya.
He had braced himself for Kaeya to laugh at him, to call him a teacher’s pet or a goody two-shoes, but to his surprise, Kaeya wasn’t rude to him. Actually, he was grateful to Diluc, and since that day, he would always greet Diluc as he passed him by in the bus on his way to the back seats, where he’d loudly laugh and listen to music with his fellow unruly students.
As the weeks went by, they became friends. Diluc was still a bit scared of him, he figured, with his heart beating fast and his hands feeling jittery when they talked, but Kaeya seemed to enjoy his company, and would buy him a can of soda every time Diluc helped him rush homework at the last minute.
Still, Diluc stayed close to Jean and other like-minded students, and soon was recruited into the school council as well as volunteering with them after school. They belonged in different circles, but Kaeya’s friendship –if he could call it that– was an occasional refreshing change of pace, and it helped Diluc feel more confident in himself.
It was, all in all, an eventful first year of high school. During the summer, Diluc actually was eager to start classes again, and a smile drew on his lips when he saw Kaeya climb on the bus on the first day.
Even if they seemed to live worlds apart, something about Kaeya drew Diluc towards him, and they grew even closer that year. He told himself he simply wanted to show kindness in hopes to offer solace to his soul, as he had been raised to, but Diluc would sometimes find himself longing for Kaeya to sit close to him in class, instead of in the back row with that brooding, tall girl.
He even tried to invite him to study with his friends, but Kaeya wasn’t interested.
“I just read the chapters a couple times before the exam and I pass,” he admitted with a shrug. “I prefer to just hang out.”
Diluc supposed he wouldn’t be able to turn Kaeya that easily, but he was happy to just hang out, as he had put it. At least, there was that.
Kaeya, his friend from another world.
Every month, they watched a movie in their Literature class so they could write a paper about it. It was a convenient arrangement for everyone: the teacher didn’t have to fight them on the last hour of a Friday, and for students like Diluc, it meant an extra good grade to keep their average high.
Diluc could have never guessed that one of these movies would ruin his second year of high school.
Gasps and laughter echoed across the classroom when suddenly, two male characters kissed on screen, yet Diluc could barely hear them over the roaring in his ears. He felt disgusted, even sick, and immediately looked away with a wince of disgust.
He almost didn’t feel bad when the teacher got sent home for the rest of the year due to some parents –like Jean’s– complaining about the incident. Diluc’s father didn’t call the principal, but he told Diluc he wasn’t happy with that kind of behaviour being shown to young, impressionable teens without warning.
When he talked to Kaeya about it, he was shocked to see him just shrug.
“It’s just two dudes kissing. Is it that big of a deal, really?”
Something snapped in Diluc. Before he realized, he was telling Kaeya all the reasons it was a big deal – all the words he had heard from every other adult in his life. It was wrong, they had a right not to have those ideas pushed onto them, it just wasn’t okay and he personally didn’t like it–
For the first time since they had met, Kaeya interrupted him while he was talking.
“Wow, okay, sure, whatever you say. We were victims of the evil gay agenda, I get you,” he sighed, rolling his eyes, but also crossing his arms. “You don’t have to yell at me. I told you, I just don’t care.”
Kaeya was mad at him, he realized, and the thought mellowed Diluc’s indignation into sadness. He mumbled an apology for raising his voice, and then, Kaeya asked:
“So. Do you hate gay people?”
Baffled, Diluc could only end up replying, “I don’t hate them. I don’t hate anyone.”
After staring him for a moment, Kaeya dropped his shoulders and sighed.
“We’re cool, then.”
During the following days, Diluc asked himself that question at night. Did he hate gay people? He was sure he didn’t hate anyone. He respected them, as long as they respected him and his beliefs.
He just didn’t want to see it.
Ever.
Hating was wrong, and he had to be forgiving, he knew, but the mere thought was disgusting.
He also started to wonder why Kaeya was so defensive, if he was one of them. He imagined him kissing another boy, just like the men in the movie, and it made him sick. Sometimes, when he was talking with Kaeya, his mind would sometimes remind him of the image – an intrusive, punishing thought.
One night, near the end of the school year, Diluc dreamed he kissed Kaeya. He had never kissed anyone, so his mind just conjured the nebulous thought of their lips clashing together, yet it was more than enough to startle him awake. He reached the bathroom just in time to throw up.
His father caught him bent over the toilet, retching the last drops of bile, and took him to the doctor in the morning.
“He must have caught a stomach bug,” was all the doctor said after examining him, not finding any other cause for Diluc’s ghastly face.
For a few days after that, Diluc avoided Kaeya completely, until he stopped immediately thinking of that abstract kiss him whenever they were near each other. Kaeya seemed uncomfortable, at the sudden distance between them, a flash of hurt in his eyes whenever Diluc avoided him – it made Diluc feel guilty, yet the thought of them kissing would tie his stomach in knots.
That summer, Diluc asked Jean to be his girlfriend. She said yes, and all was well with the world. Everyone in their town said they made a wonderful couple, and Diluc couldn’t help but think they were just meant to be. When he kissed her after a few weeks, it made sense.
He didn’t feel sick.
He felt okay.
And that was the way things should be.
At sixteen, Diluc considered himself blessed. He had a loving father that always encouraged him to give his all, a sweet, smart girlfriend with whom he had many things in common, as well as friends in both school and his congregation.
Not only was surrounded by amazing people, but he excelled in school, and he and Jean had been made instructor in his youth ministry. His prayers had been heard, too, so the intrusive thoughts about kissing Kaeya were a faded memory, a trial of faith that he had passed. He had stayed on the right path, and god rewarded him.
That had given him the confidence to pursue Kaeya as a friend once again, wishing he could be a positive influence on him, too.
After all, Diluc suspected Kaeya might actually be one of them. Seeing his friend toy with his spiritual health worried Diluc, and he asked the priest about what happened to gay people, if there was any way to help them.
“God loves all his children. As long as they don’t engage in homosexual acts, they are still welcome in his kingdom. If your friend remains celibate, or even finds a good girl to love and respect, he will be saved,” he explained.
Those words gave him hope, and he left the church content. Later, Jean asked him why he was so curious about gay people in a worried voice.
“I’m not curious. I just want to help Kaeya,” he blurted.
Jean’s eyebrows lifted. “Do you think he is…?”
“Maybe.”
A few days later, Jean suggested they could introduce him to a girl from their youth ministry, but Diluc refused. She was too shy and quiet, and Kaeya needed someone who would engage him on conversation, or he’d be bored easily. It wasn’t a good fit, and Diluc worried that if the matchmaking went poorly, it would end up having the opposite effect in Kaeya.
Still, Jean had the right idea. Perhaps, if Kaeya found a girl to love –like Diluc loved Jean–, he would forget about his homosexual tendencies.
Once again, his prayers were heard… in a way.
Diluc was still on the look-out for a girl he could pair with Kaeya when he heard a rumour that he and Rosaria, the tall and dark girl he sat with in class, had made out on a party that weekend.
He was happy. Of course he was, Kaeya liked girls after all, and that was excellent news… but his stomach dropped at the news, because he couldn’t see Rosaria as a good match for Kaeya, aloof and harsh as she was. Kaeya deserved someone warm, not a girl who seemed constantly bored by everything.
That afternoon, he hung out with Kaeya, and with his heart hammering in his chest, he asked him about it. Maybe people were just talking.
“Oh, yeah. It was hot,” he laughed as he idly rocked the swing where he was sitting.
Diluc didn’t know if he should feel relieved. He was glad Kaeya was into girls, but he didn’t think he should date Rosaria.
Kaeya laughed at his confused expression, and then asked Diluc if he wanted “deets.” Before Diluc could refuse, he told him how she had let him touch her chest a bit, and she had groped him in return.
Diluc had the childish impulse to cover his ears. He didn’t want to hear that kind of private details, it was awkward and gross.
“You should be more respectful of your girlfriend and not tell me these things,” Diluc muttered.
“What? No, no, she’s not my girlfriend. We were just messing around.”
Diluc didn’t know if he should feel relieved or not, but he still did.
“It’s just normal, don’t you think?” Kaeya went on, shrugging. “Everyone likes boobs.”
“I guess.”
It wasn’t the same. He didn’t want to see Jean’s breasts, not yet. He respected his girlfriend’s modesty, and would never ask her to let him grope her. The mere thought of being so lascive towards a girl made him sick, though he knew that many guys didn’t bother fighting their impulses.
As much as he was relieved to learn that Kaeya wasn’t interested in men, it was still a disappointment to learn that Kaeya was that kind of guy – although he could deal with that much better.
“So… you like girls? Not guys?”
Kaeya looked at him, then gave him a half-smile.
“What if I told you I like both? Would you still want to be my friend?” The words sounded like a challenge.
Diluc gripped the chains of the swing, not even sure how he felt in that moment. Mostly, he was just confused. “What do you mean… both…?” It didn’t even make sense. It was supposed to be either normal, or homosexual.
“I think I’m bisexual,” Kaeya admitted with a shrug. Diluc thought he was going to become insane. How could he be so flippant about it? His cheeks felt hot, and he looked away, trying to gather his thoughts.
Kaeya liked girls. And he also liked boys. Had he also made out with one? He imagined Kaeya kissing another boy, and his stomach tied in a knot. Oh, no, it was happening again – he was going to be sick.
“If you’re really going to stop being my friend because of that, you should just tell me.”
Diluc gawked at him. Kaeya seemed nonchalant, lifting his chin in what defiance, even, but he was gripping the chain tightly.
“No. No, I want us to be friends, Kaeya…” he mumbled.
Kaeya’s expression softened. “Good.”
At least, that meant there was a fifty percent chance of Kaeya making good choices with his life… and Diluc would be there to keep him upright.
“I didn’t expect you’d be such a passionate ally,” Kaeya laughed, elbowing him softly as they left the classroom. “It’s not a choice, though.”
Diluc felt his cheeks grow hot. The last period had been overtaken by an impromptu class debate on LGBT rights, and Diluc had decided to champion respect for people regardless of their sexuality.
“Well… I just think we should respect everyone.”
He wasn’t sure why he got so upset when another boy said gay people were “disgusting”, but Diluc felt he had to remind him that god wanted them to respect and love the neighbour, regardless of their choices.
“So… I will go to heaven as long as I don’t have sex with men?” Kaeya said with a half-smirk.
“I suppose.”
“Hah, I’ll keep that in mind. Hey, still, you were cool. A bit condescending, but thanks.”
With a pat on his shoulder, Kaeya sped up to catch up with friends from other classrooms, leaving Diluc with his heart hammering in his chest. He didn’t know why, but he enjoyed getting Kaeya’s approval.
Being an ally wasn’t hard. After all, he was just being respectful of other lifestyles, just as any devout should, and if it earned him Kaeya’s friendship, then, all the better.
Diluc had decided to be an ally, so the day he found a comic book in Jean’s room featuring two girls kissing, he questioned her without ill intentions. After all, she seemed to agree with his posture regarding gay people.
Suprisingly, she took the book from his hands.
“Don’t tell my parents, please. I was– I was just curious, the cover seemed pretty and… it’s just a comic, right?”
“Don’t worry. I won’t say anything. I know your parents are wary and might get the wrong idea– Jean, are you crying?”
When Jean sighed in relief and wiped at her eyes, Diluc hugged her. Of course he would never get her in trouble, he knew she liked guys. They were boyfriend and girlfriend: a normal couple.
Diluc and Jean were, indeed, a normal couple.
She had been his best friend since they were children, from the first day they had sat together in sunday school. Even during those pre-puberty years in which boys suddenly decided girls were annoying and shunned them, Diluc enjoyed spending time with her.
Calm and sweet, she was his equal in class and excelled in her own sports activities, without feeling threatened by the other’s success. Dating her was simply a natural extension of their good relationship.
Why bother “messing around”, as Kaeya had put it? Jean was nice, and a fitting match. Diluc was lucky to have found a nice girl, just as devoted to him as he was to her: she had never showed interest in any other guy.
Just like Diluc wasn’t interested in any other girl. As much as it shamed him, sometimes his body had urges that he couldn’t resist – he would try to focus on studying, or exercising, or taking a cold shower. But sometimes they caught him at night, when despite all his tossing and turning, he would end up shamefully touching himself. He never thought of any girl, since that would be basically cheating on Jean, and he simply couldn’t defile the image of his sweet, innocent girlfriend, either.
So he tried to rely mostly on the physical sensation, and the first times, he’d think of a faceless couple. He focused on the idea of a man taking his partner apart, loving each other like a couple should. During those moments in which lust overtook his weak spirit, Diluc wondered how was sex like. In truth, he had no idea of what to do, but he knew someone who surely did.
Kaeya.
It brought him endless shame, and yet, sometimes Diluc would try to imagine how would Kaeya have sex with a girl. He tried to focus on that featureless, anonymous girl who would squirm under him, how she’d be kissed and embraced by him, her pale body covered by a dark, taller one as they became one.
Once he was finished, he would throw away the tissue and silently beg to be forgiven for his moment of weakness.
He could never tell Jean, either. He loved and respected her, and it wasn’t her fault that the flesh of a man could be that traitorous. Maybe one day, in the future, they would be allowed to explore that part of life together, and that gave him hope – because if someone asked him, Diluc was ready to spend the rest of his life with her.
Outside of their community, some would say that it was too soon to decide something like that, only just a few months from turning eighteen as he was, but Diluc thought Jean was just perfect.
That was why her question took him off guard.
“Do you think Eula is pretty?”
Diluc had to think before replying, because he really had never stopped to think whether Eula was attractive. When he realized he had spent a few seconds in silence, he immediately blurted that she was okay, but Jean was much, much prettier.
She didn’t seem convinced. “You’re just saying that. She’s prettier than me… I wish I was more like her.”
“Why? You’re perfect, Jean,” he reminded her. “I love you.””
Jean just shrugged. It broke Diluc’s heart to see her compare herself to another girl and be disappointed with it, so to further reassure her, he leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss on her lips. He simply didn’t understand how Jean was supposed to be less pretty than Eula. Not that he thought she was ugly, but Diluc simply didn’t see the appeal.
As he often did in those situations, he decided he’d consult Kaeya. Next time he was alone with him, doing homework at Kaeya’s house, he asked him whether he found Eula attractive.
“Eula? Are you kidding me… Her ass…” Kaeya sat from his bed and made a gesture with his hands open and drew a slight curve with them – indicating she had a big bottom.
Diluc winced at how crude Kaeya was being, and tightened his grip on his notebook. Eula went to school with them! It wasn’t okay to talk about her body with such disrespect.
“Stop, stop. Don’t talk about her like this!”
“Luc, my guy, you just asked me!” Kaeya laughed and dropped on the bed. “Why, though. Aren’t you in holy marriage with Jean?”
“Nevermind. Don’t you have a boyfriend, anyway? Won’t you even respect him, at least?”
Talking about Kaeya’s boyfriend wasn’t Diluc’s favorite topic, either. He tried to be a supportive friend, but every time Kaeya mentioned anything about dating that guy, Diluc felt his stomach turn.
The thought of Kaeya kissing –or worse, going beyond that– with another male was too much. He simply couldn’t approve of it, even if he cared about Kaeya as a friend, and Kaeya always replied “agree to disagree” whenever Diluc tried to explain to him why he should avoid pursuing relationships with men.
Kaeya was lucky he still felt interest in women, so why would he insist in chasing after an unhealthy lifestyle?
Diluc couldn’t stand it. And he couldn’t stand Kaeya’s boyfriend, either. He hadn’t met him, but Diluc had a low opinion of him already, especially because hhe was two years older than them. Already a college student, yet pursuing a high school student.
“Jeez, I’m not going to do anything to Eula. One, I’m not a creep. Two, she would beat my ass in a fight. Three, I’m afraid she…” Kaeya leaned forward and pretended to be scared of what he was about to whisper “...is into girls only.”
A shiver ran down Diluc’s spine. Would Eula really be a…?
“Why are you making that face?” Kaeya sighed, then drew that stupid grin that always appeared on his face whenever he was about to push Diluc’s buttons. “Ohh, right, she and Jean are on the volleyball team. Are you afraid that the lesbian has seen your girlfriend naked?”
Worry was replaced by a burst of anger. Kaeya sometimes taunted Diluc over their difference of views on topics regarding sexuality, but this time he had brought Jean into it, and that crossed the line.
Diluc stood up, slamming his notebook on the table.
“Shut up!” His fists were trembling as he balled them on his sides. Diluc had never yelled at anyone before, let alone at Kaeya, and the tension had his throat in a tight knot. “You’re always mocking me and my views. I try to respect you, and you– you–!”
“Respect me?” Kaeya lifted an eyebrow, and let out a barked laugh as he got up from the bed. “By constantly implying I’m going to burn in hell because I like guys too?”
“I’m trying to be a good friend, Kaeya,” he hissed between his teeth. He had to stay his ground. “Don’t talk about my girlfriend like this.”
Diluc held his breath as Kaeya approached him. There was a tension in the air that had set every single one of his nerves on fire, but he couldn’t back down now. This wasn’t about him – this was about Jean.
Kaeya was close to him now, stepping towards him with a slow swagger, and gave him a long look when they were inches apart. Unused to confrontation as he was, Diluc’s heart was beating so hard in his chest, he could feel it drumming in his ears. He didn’t want to stop being friends with Kaeya. The thought made his chest tighten, and he didn’t even know why.
They were so different, what was even the point?
And yet… he wanted this argument to end as soon as possible.
They stared at each other in silence in what had to be only a few seconds, but it felt like minutes to Diluc. Kaeya was so close, Diluc could smell him his cologne mixed with his own scent. He smelled so nice, in a masculine way – and Diluc always found it oddly comforting.
He didn’t want to lose him, so he begged him silently to apologize. To say something that would end the argument. Anything, Diluc would take anything so they’d stop–
“I’m sorry about what I said about Jean,” Kaeya finally said.
“Apology accepted,” Diluc nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat with relief.
Kaeya didn’t move away. “And I’m sorry if I insult your… beliefs. But Diluc… I think…” Kaeya squinted his eyes and licked his lips. It was rare to see him struggle for words, not with that silver tongue of his and his sharp wit.
And then, he just turned away and ran a hand through his hair.
“Nevermind. I’m sorry, Diluc. I really didn’t mean to insult Jean.”
Somehow, Diluc felt he dodged a bullet – although he was mostly relieved that Kaeya was trying to make amends. “It’s okay… I didn’t mean to offend you, either. I’ll try to be more supportive.”
The smile Kaeya gave him warmed Diluc’s chest.
“Nah, you’re good, Diluc. Just as you are.”
As he had promised, Diluc tried to be more supportive of Kaeya’s… lifestyle? Choices? No matter which word he used, Kaeya always rolled his eyes and claimed it was offensive.
Which, unfortunately, also meant that he’d have to swallow past the lump in his throat whenever Kaeya talked about his boyfriend. Dain this, Dain that. The worst part was that there was no denying that Kaeya was having sex with him: one afternoon, he went to pay for their sodas, and the condoms in his wallet were plain to see.
Diluc had never felt such second hand embarrassment, his cheeks red as he sipped on his drink while Kaeya tried way too obviously to not mention it.
It almost hurt. Diluc had been sure that Kaeya had sex before, but now he had proof, and worse of all, he was having it with a male.
He couldn’t even imagine how sex between two men really worked. Wouldn’t it be painful? And also dirty? He simply couldn’t understand why Kaeya would put himself through it every time, why would he let his body be defiled and used and hurt, or do that to someone else – he really didn’t want to think about the details.
Curiosity was the playground for the devil, as his pastor had once told him. It was that the reason he ended up researching why two men would engage in it, and after link hopping for a whole afternoon, he ended up in a pornographic site.
It was disgusting, he told himself. Just one video had him almost gagging, but before he closed the window, he caught the name of a preview video.
>Hot emo twunk rails boyfriend
The small image featured a dark-skinned young male with black hair, wearing leather bracelets and choker, pulling a blond, pale boy by the waist.
Deep down, Diluc knew he had to stop. And yet, something made him click on the preview.
Unlike the previous video, he couldn’t stop watching. His mouth dried and his heartbeat skyrocketed as the two boys made out on the screen, with the dark-skinned one taking the lead and gently pushing his partner into the bed. It started slow, kissing through their shallow humping – it felt intimate. Loving, even.
Diluc’s own crotch ached. That should have been the last chance to quit, but he was utterly weak, and his hand went between his legs, palming his growing hard-on.
He couldn’t be aroused, he told himself. Not by this, not by–
As he came into his hand, he felt guilt wash over him, so heavy it might as well crushed him. He felt dirty, and he also felt an aching in chesthe couldn’t explain. Even after he wiped his browser history clean and showered, he’d think of those two guys kissing as they had sex, and his throat would get tight and his eyes would sting.
Guilt. That was how guilt felt, he realized.