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I couldn't help but wonder, anxiously, what it meant to fuel his desires for me.
What he saw in me, what it would make him want of me. Would he want to touch me?
To kiss me, to throw me on the bed? And then what?
The memory of this morning came back to me of how we had been so kissing so fiercely that I ended up pushing him against the table.
How he had grabbed me, so rough, to pull me closer, to feel me.
My hands felt my wrists were his had been and I felt myself want this. More of it.
The way he had reached under my shirt, touching me, my bare skin...
I was kneeling on the floor, between my clothes, daydreaming of this, blushing, crushing a shirt in my hands with how much I wanted him... Why had I run away? It had scared me how passionate he was, how hungry, how fast.
I felt dizzy when I realized how much he lusted for me and how long it must have built up for him to be ready and hot like that and for a moment doubts of whether or not it was a good idea to really fan these flames crossed my mind.
A quiet sound fell from my lips, when I thought of myself teasing him, denying him to go further, driving him crazy...
I jumped to my feet and ran to the hallways to order a maid to pour me a bath.
Not only did I want to look and smell nice this evening. No... A bath was also the perfect opportunity to continue these daydreams and wash away any evidence they might leave...
It took a while until it was ready.
And it was not a glorious bath as you would have expected for the son of a nobleman, no.
The things for this that had once been installed in my father's property were run down and broken.
So I didn't get to sit in a big metal or porcellain tub, as you might imagine.
Much rather it was a wooden tub, filled with hot water from a wood burning stove.
I brought some linens to dry myself off with, after I was done. Soap, herbs, yes, we had those things.
A little tin cup to fill with water and rinse my hair.
I made sure the door was locked and undressed, ready to step into the hot water, blushing, still caught up in those thoughts about him.
I could practically smell him, feel his body slide against mine, with how far my fantasies carried me. My hand slid to the place where he had touched my skin, my sides as I sank into the hot water. There was no denying that this roused something in me, something on me.
It gave me goosebumps to trace where he had been. To imagine that it was still him. His fingers caressing me. I did this and my hand sank deeper, touched my hip bone and I flinched away, struck by a shock of unexpected sensitivity.
I gasped. I knew then, that if I gave in to what my mind wanted now, there would be no escaping it.
If I gave into these desires, there wouldn't just be harmless fantasies of tender lines of male bodies, soft skin, rough lips and bumps on chins that looked like they were made to be caressed ever so lightly with teeth.
I would give in to the forbidden. The things I had read, the things I had barely dared to imagine. Vague figures I had only let myself fantasize about in the dark of the night would wear his face then. Would do things, touch me in ways, have me in ways I knew I shouldn't desire.
But I did. Heavens, I did!
And nobody, no Lord, no priest, no father of mine and no society could exorcise this from me.
No matter how much they chanted their hate, whispered it, beat or burnt it into people.
I was this and as much as I tried, I couldn't deny it; nor did I want to. Not before myself at least. And perhaps also not before him...?
I felt the burning in my eyes, tears of wanting to break free, of wanting to be loved by him, in all those ways we were taught are wrong, as my hand slid back in place, touching me, gingerly, feeling the way down to my middle, the golden trail of hair that lead from my navel...
I thought about his kisses now. How hungry they had been and my mouth fell open, as if he was before me; I wanted to suck him into me, feel his tongue dance with mine. Press my body against his.
In my mind we had worn clothes and I became awfully aware of my nakedness now, kneeling there in this tub, the hot water doing nothing to lessen the pulse that was growing in my middle.
I thought about it. How it would feel. His hardness against mine. Through clothes. And then, hesitantly, I dared to imagine him without.
A ragged moan fell from my lips and I tore my eyes open, but the vision of him wouldn't fall from me.
It was too much and I leaned over, one hand digging into the moist wood of the tub now.
With the other, I began to touch myself in earnesty now.
Still the vision of him kissing me was enchanting me and I knew I wouldn't last long like this. Too many pent up emotions and desires.
I felt myself twitch, heard myself croak a suppressed noise of lust.
Him against me, the sliding of his organ against mine, wet tip kissing wet tip. Nicki.
Nicki Nicki Nicki.
His name became my mantra, faster and faster with my pace and his deep dark eyes was what I got lost in and the feelings... Feelings of things I had never done.
I was barely able to keep myself from screaming out loud now. Hips bucking wildly, my hand lost it's grip on the tub and I sank deeper into the water, holding myself up, pumping my hardness, thrusting into my hand and imagining it was his.
"Nicki!"
I almost shouted his name when I came.
I was barely sane enough to quiet my voice, lest someone would hear me. My mother's maid, my mother - or worse, my father or my brothers.
I sank quivering into the heat of the water, knees drawn up tightly against my chest. Only my nose stuck out of the water just enough for me to breathe, as I laid on my side like this, head leaning against the tub.
I think I might have been crying with how overwhelmed I was with how much I wanted him.
How much I desired not only him, but Men.
I knew. I had known for a long while. Paintings and statues and forbidden stories from ancient times in my mother's books.
Not that it was only men, no. But it was this one of my desires, that was more forbidden, then all others.
I wasn't sure how to feel. Only that I wanted him and that this went against everything we were allowed to wish for.
But I knew that if it wasn't him, I'd desire another man, for his shapes, the deepness of his voice or the beautiful lines of his face.
I almost laughed. It was undeniable what I was, with how many men I had secretly admired, desired and never done more then to look at them and dream.
And now... Him. A whole new world of opportunity and he shone bright in my mind, as if surrounded by a halo.
Nicki. This lovely boy, this Man, who's soul was so deep and sad and who's hands were so tender and gentle and full of love for his violin...
I wanted to be in his hands like this instrument.
I wanted him to look at me the way he looked at it, when the celestial music he wrung from it's strings, filled his soul.
I wanted him to get lost in me and I wanted to get lost in him, his mind, his beauty...
I don't know how long I lay there, clutching my hands just above my heart while I thought of him.
But eventually the water started to cool and I hurried to wash myself.
Until then, I hadn't known if I could do this, really do this with another person and not just fantasize about it. That's why I had escaped him so quickly this morning. But now I knew... Now I saw his face in place of the emptiness that had been haunting me. Now I knew that it was him I wanted and that I wouldn't push him away again, when he came so close to me. In fact I was hoping for this now; longing for it.
I emerged from the bath, calmer and more thoughtful than before.