Chapter Text
“Yeonjun is fat.”
Soobin and Beomgyu did not miss a beat, scolding the person who had commented those words as soon as they saw them pop up on the screen in front of them. They stuck out like a sore thumb among all the supportive comments and questions.
“Yeonjun is trying so hard to lose weight!” Soobin let out, nearly exasperated.
“Right,” Yeonjun added, “Please don’t say such a comment to anybody. It’s hurtful.”
They changed the topic and ended the live a little while later.
It was nearly six pm and they had plans with Taehyun and Huening Kai, who had different schedules that day, to meet up at their favorite restaurant for dinner.
Dinner. His only meal of the day.
Yeonjun slumped back in his chair, running his hand over his stomach and softly pressing down on it to ease the growling. He’d been running on black coffee, his go-to remedy to curb the painful pangs of hunger that plagued him throughout the day. It never helped for long.
He had been dieting for a while now and truthfully, it tired him out. He felt more irritable and sensitive. He tried his best not to let it show, but things got to him much more than usual.
The last thing he expected after months of discipline and hard work, was somebody telling him he was fat. Even when the numbers on the scale had lowered significantly. Even when his stomach was empty.
Strangely, that empty feeling had become something rather comforting to him. It meant he was doing something right. And now, knowing how bloated he would be after going out to eat with his members, he felt anxiety rise in his throat. He was hungry, ravenous even, but he dreaded actually doing something about it. He wanted to hold on to that empty feeling.
“Hyung?” Soobin leaned into his field of view, pulling him out of his thoughts.
“Are you okay? You zoned out for a minute.”
Yeonjun met the worried gaze of their dark haired leader, following his eyes down to where his hand was still resting on his stomach.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” Yeonjun replied, not sounding as confident as usual.
Soobin bit his lip, looking back up at the older boy’s face. The latter desperately wished he didn’t look as hurt as he felt.
“You know it’s not true, right? That comment. You’ve been working so hard on your diet.”
Yeonjun smiled at the reassuring words, although it was a rather weak attempt. He pulled his hand back from his stomach and ran it through his hair instead, trying to regain his confident composure. He did not want his members to know he actually felt hurt over a stupid hate comment. He did not want them to worry.
“I know. Thanks, Soobin.”
Soobin opened his mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by Beomgyu letting out an impatient whine before he had the chance.
“Come on, I’m starving!” The youngest of the three grabbed a hold of Soobin’s sleeve, nearly dragging him out of the chair.
The two started bickering as they left the room and headed down the hallway of the company building, Yeonjun following suit, keeping to himself instead of joining them in their conversation.
Normally he’d be rushing too, as the hunger really got to him this time of day.
However, those three words echoed loudly in his head, drilling into his brain.
As much as he wanted to have dinner together with the other members and take a break from the long days of recording, dance practice, photoshoots… He couldn’t.
After all, who would go and eat more after being called fat? It didn’t make sense to him.
“Actually, guys, I think I’m going to head home,” he said, “I’m really tired.”
The other two stopped in their tracks and turned to him with matching frowns on their faces.
“Are you sure? You haven’t eaten yet, right?” Beomgyu asked, a hint of confusion in his voice. They were used to him skipping meals, but they knew they could count on him having at least one meal a day with them. Yeonjun had even mentioned looking forward to going to the restaurant multiple times that day, before his sudden change of mind.
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll just have a shake,” Yeonjun reassured them.
The other two immediately understood there was nothing they could say to convince him.
They knew he was a perfectionist and stricter than all four of them. When it came to his job, he was fully dedicated, not allowing himself to make a single mistake. He practiced the hardest and the longest, even though he was the best dancer of the group. He recorded his lines over and over again, even when he did well the first time. He spent hours getting ready, always needing his outfits to be perfect. He worked hard, always had.
They had seen this dedication extend towards his diet as well.
He was determined to get the perfect body and there was no reasoning with him until he achieved his goal.
A silence fell over them for a moment, before Yeonjun broke it with a nervous chuckle.
“You guys have fun, though. I’ll see you back home.”
---
When Yeonjun got back to the dorms, he noticed how silent it was, something he wasn’t used to.
Normally, there was always somebody making some noise somewhere. Beomgyu playing video games, Soobin and Huening Kai watching movies together, Taehyun watching videos to learn new magic tricks or cooking something up in the kitchen.
Whenever they went out together, Yeonjun always joined them.
But not today.
Standing alone near the door, he let out a weary sigh and rubbed his eyes.
No matter how much coffee he drank, he felt tired all the time. He always pushed through it without complaining, even when the others insisted he take a break and rest. He would wave away their concerns but by the time the evening rolled around, he felt completely drained.
Lately, he couldn’t manage much more than laying on the couch and watching a movie with the members, falling asleep during it more often than not.
He glanced over towards the kitchen. He should have a shake, at least.
His feet moved in that direction, but his body froze when he remembered the comment.
“Yeonjun is fat.”
Fat.
It was as if his body moved on its own, instead turning into the opposite direction. His feet carried him towards the bathroom. Once inside, he instinctively locked the door, even though he was alone. He found himself becoming more secretive the longer his diet went on, always trying to hide behaviors related to it as much as he could.
His hands moved to take off his clothes, carelessly dropping them onto the floor until he was left in nothing but his underwear. A shiver ran down his spine, his lip quivering.
He moved to grab the scale from where he kept it in the cabinet under the sink, neatly placing it on the floor in front of the mirror.
Yeonjun weighed himself once a week, understanding daily fluctuations were normal and wanting to avoid getting discouraged by them. Besides, he didn’t want his weight to become too much of an obsession.
This time, he couldn’t wait. He had to check. He had to reassure himself.
He didn’t dare to blink as he waited for the number that would tell him his worth to appear. It seemed to take forever and it felt like he was frozen in time, teetering on the edge. He didn’t even realize he was holding his breath.
62kg.
He exhaled as a wave of relief washed over him.
He hadn’t seen that number in a very long time. It was a new low weight.
Staring at the number for a few more moments, an unsettling feeling crept up on him as he realised he wasn't as euphoric as he expected he’d be at this point.
Looking up from the scale, Yeonjun met his own gaze in the mirror. His reflection was staring back at him, dark locks framing his eyes, mouth hanging agape ever so slightly.
His gaze lowered down to his cheekbones, his fingers reaching up and tracing them. Too chubby. Then down to his jawline. Not defined enough. His collarbones. Barely there.
His stomach. His fingers pinched at his skin. There was still too much of it.
He grimaced.
There was still too much fat.
Yeonjun was fat.
---
He did not have dinner that night.
He was half asleep by the time he heard the others return, Beomgyu and Taehyun bickering about something he couldn’t quite make out and Soobin shushing them. Doors opened and closed, lights were switched on and off until everything went quiet again.
He ignored the tight feeling in his chest, a cold fist wrapping around his heart.