Work Text:
Cast of characters
Edward (Ed)
Owner and head chef at Blackbeard’s Bar and Grill. Married to Stede
Stede
Entertainment coordinator and house manager at Blackbeard’s Bar and Grill. Married to Ed.
Lucius
Stage manager at Blackbeard’s. Married to Pete and dating Izzy and Fang.
Pete
Very frequent customer at Blackbeard’s and ametuer chef. Married to Lucius.
Izzy
New owner of Queen Anne’s Mechanic Shop. Dating Lucius.
Oluwande
Member of the kitchen staff at Blackbeard’s. Married to Jim.
Jim
Server at Blackbeard’s, hit man in their free time. Married to Oluwande.
Frenchie
Graphic designer and publicist at Blackbeard’s. Dating John.
John
Seamstress at a dress shop downtown. Dating Frenchie.
Roach
Sous Chef at Blackbeard’s.
Buttons
Host at Blackbeard’s. Bird enthusiast.
The Swede
Bartender at Blackbeard’s
Ivan
Fang’s best friend.
Location
Blackbeard’s Bar and Grill. The restaurant features a stage, usually filled with musical acts. Tonight, there’s something a little different!
Lucius walks out from backstage, wearing a bright pink suit.
Lucius: Welcome everyone to Family Feud! I don’t know why we’re doing this, we could have booked a musical act you actually wanted to see. We’re not even family, we have a bunch of random people who aren’t related to each other at all! I don’t know why the fuck I’m hosting this, I do not want to, I still think staff Family Feud is a terrible idea. Let’s get to know our teams, starting on the right with
He looks down at his cards, then dramatically rolls his eyes
Lucius: Team Winner!
He walks to stand next to Ed.
Lucius: How about you tell us who you are and how you got dragged into this ridiculous idea.
Ed: I’m Ed, he/him, and this was my idea. It’s not ridiculous, mate, it’s fun.
Lucius walks down the row, stopping at each member of the team and allowing them to introduce themself.
Jim: I’m Jim, they/them, and when Ed told me and Olu about this I had to play because I’ve watched this show. Everyone on it is un poco estupido and I know I can kick ass.
Lucius: Alright then, Frenchie?
Frenchie: I’m Frenchie,he/him I thought it’d be fun.
Lucius: Of course you did. Next?
Buttons: Name’s Buttons, my gender can’t be expressed wi’ human language, and I’m here t’ dedicate this game to my dearly departed bird, Karl. Wanted t’ call the team ‘team Karl’ but everyone else said no.
Lucius: Oooookay, moving on to the final member of Team Winner.
Izzy: I’m Izzy, he/him and I’m here because my boyfriend begged me to be here.
Lucius: I did not beg!
Izzy: What do you call it when you talk for 20 fucking minutes about how sad your other boyfriend will be if you don’t get even teams until I finally give in?
Lucius: Moving on! Now we’ll meet Team… Delicacies and Delights? Okay we’ll meet them in a second, Stede, what the fuck is your team name.
Stede: Well, when Edward and I were first coming up with names for this place, we considered ‘Blackbeard’s Delicacies and Delights,’ but ended on the current name, even though Ed didn’t like it as much. I wanted to honor his favorite idea, and the five of us are delightful!
Lucius: Maybe one of you is delightful and it’s not you, Stede.
Stede: Well that’s rude. I’m Stede, he/him, and this was my husband’s brilliant idea.
Oluwande: I’m Oluwande, he/him I work in the kitchen, and I wanted to make it harder for Jim to ‘kick ass.’
Jim: Bitch!
Lucius: Next!
John: I’m John, he/him Frenchie invited me to fill out the teams, and I’ve always liked Captain Stede over there.
Roach: I’m Roach, he/they, I’m the sous chef here, I thought it would be interesting to actually see the customers for once instead of being back there.
He points to the kitchen.
Pete: I’m Pete, he/him I heard about this from the very attractive host and really had to get involved.
Izzy rolls his eyes. Lucius blushes.
Lucius: We’re about to get started but first I want to actually thank my boyfriend Fang for whatever fuckery he’s doing to make the scoreboard work.
Fang: Do you mean that?
Lucius: Yes, I’m not being sarcastic, that’s just my voice. Now give me Stede and give me Ed, we’ve got a dumbass game to play!
Stede and Ed dramatically walk to the makeshift podiums in the center of the stage. They shake hands while looking lovingly into each other’s eyes.
Lucius: The top six answers are on the board. Name a reason you might get rid of an old family heirloom.
Ed and Stede both try to buzz in, Ed gets there first.
Stede: Drat!
Ed laughs.
Ed: Fuckin’ hate my family, man.
Lucius: I don’t need to know your life story, I already know too much of it. Anyway, let’s see if family conflict is there!
Lucius points at the screen displaying the board. The board dings.
Lucius: Is it really up there as ‘family feud’? Did this game really need to involve bad puns too? Whatever. Stede?
Stede: I didn’t have room for it with all my other stuff, it ended up under the stairs where I couldn’t even see it!
Lucius: Once again I don’t need to know anything more about your life, but is ‘not enough room because of other stuff’ up there?
The board dings
Stede: We’re going to play!
He jogs back to his team.
Lucius: Oluwande, please don’t tell me about your life. Name a reason you might get rid of an old family heirloom.
Oluwande: I’d get rid of it if it got broken.
Lucius: See? That’s how you give an answer on a game show. Show me broken!
The board dings
Lucius: John, what’ve you got? Name a reason you might get rid of an old family heirloom.
John: Maybe someone else in the family wanted it?
Lucius: Fang, go ahead and show us if someone else in the family wanting it is on the board.
The board buzzes
Ed: Fuck yeah, man!
Stede: Shut up, Ed
Frenchie: Good try, John!
Jim: He’s on the other team, cabrón !
Frenchie: Don’t act like you weren’t grinning when Oluwande got the top one!
Lucius: Shut up! I don’t want to be hosting this nonsense and disciplining you idiots. Roach, you’ve got one strike. Name a reason you might get rid of an old family heirloom.
Roach: Because it’s ugly and I don’t like looking at it.
Lucius: Well, that’s direct. Show me ‘it’s ugly!’
The board dings
The Swede: Woo!
Lucius eyes Roach.
Roach: We had a date last friday. It went well.
Everyone adlibs oohs and fawns over a new relationship.
Lucius: Okay I’m alright with learning about your life if it’s tea. Babe, name a reason you might get rid of an old family heirloom.
Pete: On accident, because I lost it.
Lucius smacks his forehead.
Lucius: Because you lost it!
He points at the screen.
The board buzzes.
Team Winner applauds.
Lucius: Alright, Stede. You have two strikes. You’ll either get one of the last two answers or fuck it up for your whole team. Name a reason you might get rid of an old family heirloom.
Stede: My ex-wife took it in the divorce.
Lucius: That’s not tea, that’s just sad! Show me divorce, Fang!
The board dings.
Stede, to Ed: Take that!
Ed: Congratulations, hon, but you’re going down soon!
Lucius: Can we please focus, I want this game to be OVER. Oluwande. Two strikes. Don’t fuck up. Name a reason you might get rid of an old family heirloom.
Jim, Ed, and Izzy make Xs with their arms. Oluwande glares playfully at Jim. They just shrug.
Oluwande: If it was worth something I’d sell it.
Lucius: Please god let it be right so we can be closer to done!
He points at the screen.
The board dings.
Stede: Great job, team!
Roach: Get fucked, all of you!
Pete: Yeah!!!!!!
Izzy crosses his arms.
Ed: It ain't over yet, man.
Lucius smiles and shakes his head at Pete’s celebration. Once the excitement dies down, he moves back to the center podiums.
Lucius: That leaves Team Winner at zero points while Team Delicacies and delights has 96. Give me Oluwande and give me Jim, and please let them not give each other goo goo eyes when they shake hands!
Oluwande and Jim shake hands. They’re less “sweet” than Stede and Ed, but their grip lingers just a little bit too long.
Lucius: Also disgusting. Oh my god. The top six answers are on the board. After you take a selfie, who might you send it to?
Jim buzzes in.
Jim: I’d send it to Olu.
Audience: awwwwww
The board dings.
Jim: Shut the fuck up, all of you. We’re gonna play.
Ed fist pumps.
Lucius: Frenchie, after you take a selfie, who might you send it to?
Frenchie: I mean, not anymore, but my best friend, at least before…
Lucius: I don’t want to hear about your love life!
John: I do! Love you!
Lucius: Oh my god. The only person whose love life I have any interest in is mine. Let’s see if best friend is up there.
The board dings.
Ed: Fuck yeah!
Lucius: Buttons, after you take a selfie, who might you send it to?
Buttons: My personal FBI agent who monitors my every move!
Lucius: Ooookay
Izzy: What the fuck, that’s not an answer!
Jim: Buttons, it’s who some random person in the survey would send it to! Not who you would send it to.
Ed: As captain I’m supposed to tell you to leave ‘im alone, but what the hell Buttons?
Lucius: FBI agent?!?!
The board dings.
Everyone except Buttons is surprised
Buttons: See??? I knew it!
Izzy scoffs.
Lucius: Izzy, Buttons was right and you look foolish. After you take a selfie, who might you send it to.
Izzy doesn’t look Lucius in the eyes.
Izzy: Your crush
Lucius: So you sent all your selfies to Ed?
Izzy: FUCK OFF
Lucius: Let’s see if it’s up there!
The board buzzes.
Lucius: Oh too bad, embarrassed yourself for nothing.
Stede is laughing way harder than necessary.
Lucius: Let’s come back to Ed! After you take a selfie, who might you send it to?
Ed: ‘D send it to my mum.
Lucius: That's cute. Let’s see mom on the board!
The board dings.
Lucius: Since Izzy so obviously embarrassed himself, it’s been going well for Team Winner. Iz, maybe you should tell us embarrassing personal secrets every time, it seems to help.
Izzy is scowling at Lucius.
Lucius: Jim, let’s come back to you. After you take a selfie, who might you send it to?
Jim: Kind of along the same line as Ed, my grandmother.
Lucius: You’re going to get the audience awwing at you again.
Jim: Shut up.
Jim moves their hand to their waist. Who knows if they have a knife there.
Lucius: Let’s see grandma on the board!
The board dings.
Lucius: Frenchie. Love. You’ve only got one strike and there’s only one answer left. Don’t fail your team like Izzy did. After you take a selfie, who might you send it to?
Stede, Ed, and Lucius are all laughing. Izzy looks like he might explode.
Frenchie: I’m running out of people whose numbers I have! Maybe a coworker? Like a cool coworker?
Lucius: A cool coworker. I know where you work. You don’t have any of those. But let’s check if it’s on the board! Fang, what’s up with a coworker on the board?
The board buzzes.
Lucius: Aww, too bad. Join Izzy in the sad club. Buttons, your whole team is counting on you. You’ve got two strikes. After you take a selfie, who might you send it to?
Buttons: A pet!
Everyone else on Team Winner is upset. Frenchie puts his head in his hands. Jim smacks their forehead.
Izzy: How was I the one to get made fun of?
Ed: Hey, give ‘im a chance! His last answer sounded stupid but it was on there!
Izzy: Fine, show us ‘pet’ on your fuckin board.
Lucius: That’s my line, but I don’t care. Fang, show us pet!
The board buzzes.
Team Delicacies and Delights cheers.
Lucius: Alright, Stede. If you get this, your team steals, and you’re the only ones with points. Fuck, I haven’t gone over how many points anything is worth. Fang how many points does everyone have?
Fang: Stede’s bunch has 96 and Ed’s lot has 75, unless Stede steals.
Lucius: I had to say the stupid fucking team names, so do you.
Fang: No I don’t, unless you want to be keeping score and hosting.
Lucius: Fuck. Fine. Stede, for 75 more points, after you take a selfie, who might you send it to?
Stede: My children!
Stede’s team applauds politely. Even Lucius seems to acknowledge that it’s not a terrible answer.
Lucius: Your kids!
The board buzzes
Team Winner absolutely fips shit. Izzy flips Stede off. So does Ed, but his is playful. Ed also winks and sticks his tongue out. He looks ridiculous. God Stede loves him so much.
Lucius: Oh well, too bad. That leaves Team Delicacies and Delights with 96 points while Team winner has 75. Let’s have John and Frenchie do this middle bit. Please don’t eye fuck in front of me.
Frenchie: What if we eye make out in front of you?
John: Eye dry hump?
Lucius: What did I do to deserve this?
Frenchie and John shake hands. They smile at each other, but not suggestively.
Lucius: Fine. Whatever. Top eight answers are up. Name a word that you might use to describe a dog that could also describe your partner.
John’s buzzer lights up.
John: Cute.
Frenchie: Aw, thanks love.
The board dings
Lucius: Frenchie, have a go.
Frenchie looks at John, then back at Lucius.
Frenchie: Hairy
John: The fuck, babe?
Frenchie shrugs as the board buzzes.
Ed gestures at his own hair and beard as Frenchie walks back to join the team.
Lucius: Buttons – and I know this is going to be absurdly weird – name a word that you might use to describe a dog that could also describe your partner.
Buttons looks off into space for an awkwardly long time. He doesn’t turn to look at Lucius when he gives his answer.
Buttons: Wise.
Izzy looks like he’s going to explode. Jim is staring at Buttons with wide eyes. Oluwande is holding back laughter.
Lucius: I mean, we kind of already know, but let’s see if ‘wise’ is on the board!
The board buzzes
Izzy: This fuckin’ team. Fuck!
Lucius: You’ll be okay, you little demon. Name a word that you might use to describe a dog that could also describe your partner.
Izzy locks eyes with Lucius .
Izzy: Horny
Fang chuckles.
Pete: You got that one right!
Lucius: Animals, all of you. Let’s see horny on the board!
The board dings.
Lucius: Who the fuck answered these surveys? Whatever. At least we’ll get normal answers now. Ed. Name a word that you might use to describe a dog that could also describe your partner.
Ed is looking past Lucius to Stede. His eyes are practically heart shaped.
Ed: Playful
Lucius: I’m going to vomit. Fang let’s see it!
The board dings.
Stede swoons.
Lucius: I’m going to try not to look in their direction, Jim name a word you might use to describe a dog that could also describe your partner?
Jim is not as obvious nor as sappy as Ed, but they look at Oluwande with an intensity that is reserved only for him. The ghost of a smile reaches the corners of their mouth.
Jim: Loyal.
Oluwande beams.
Lucius: At least the answers are sane. Fang, is loyal up there?
The board dings.
Jim’s face appears unfazed, but they pump their fist at their side.
Lucius: Frenchie, you’ve only got one strike because you’re following all of the semi-normal people on this team. Name a word you might use to describe a dog that could also describe your partner.
Frenchie: Frequently hungry.
John: Do you even like me?
Frenchie: Sorry babe!
Lucius: I really hope Frenchie scores twice off making fun of John in front of a reasonably sized audience. That would be amazing.
The board dings to reveal.
John glares at Frenchie, who gives him a half smile and a shrug.
Lucius: Frenchie, you’re almost bitchier than I am. Buttons. Your last answer was weird as fuck. Now you’ve got a strike, which you gave yourself, so maybe try to score this time? Name a word you might use to describe a dog that could also describe your partner.
Buttons: I don’t know that many dogs, but I know my share o’ birds! They’re all pretty talkative, I have to say.
Lucius: Okay, this one is also weird as fuck.
The opposing team is holding up their arms in X formations.
Lucius: Fang, is it up there?
The board buzzes
Izzy: Do I always have to go after this twat?
Lucius: You all made the assignments, not me. Although if I had I definitely would have put you next to each other. It’s very funny.
Izzy: Fuck off.
Lucius: Name a word that you might use to describe a dog that could also describe your partner.
Izzy: Annoying as fuck.
Lucius: Fang, are you going to let him slander me like this? Whatever, is it up there?
The board buzzes.
Lucius throws his head back in laughter and Izzy growls to himself.
Lucius: Stede, you’ve got one chance. If you don’t get this 166 points will go straight to team Winner. What’ve you got?
Stede stares Ed down with a calm intensity.
Stede: Obedient.
Ed: Hey you mother-
Stede holds up a hand. Ed stops mid sentence.
Lucius: Well that was the best thing I’ve ever seen. Fang, show us obedient!
The board dings.
Team Delicacies and Delights cheers. Ed is blushing and Izzy is staring at him wide eyed.
Lucius: No one here wants me to say this, but I don’t really want to be hosting Family Feud so we’re even, huh? I personally think it’s that information that reveals exactly why Ed and Izzy could never have a functional relationship. You can’t have that much bottom energy in one bed, no one does any fucking. Also the one that you didn’t get was “sweet.”
The board dings
Izzy rages and Ed crosses his arms.
Lucius: That almost made this whole thing worth it. Almost! But for now give me Roach and Buttons, we’ll see how fucking weird this shit gets.
Roach and Buttons eye each other suspiciously before shaking hands quickly, like they don’t trust each other to touch for too long.
Lucius: Okay then. Point values have tripled. With Team Winner at only 75 points and Team Delicacies and Delights at 274 points, this will be the deciding factor! Top seven answers are on the board. Name something you might put in your bed before you go to sleep to keep you warm.
Roach buzzes in.
Roach: A blanket!
The board dings.
Stede: It seems quite unlikely that you stop us now, Edward!
Ed: It ain’t over till it’s over, mate.
Lucius: As much as everyone on Team Winner hates to admit it, especially since it makes their name seem a bit ironic, it looks like Team Delicacies and Delights is going to take this one, unless they fuck it up spectacularly! Pete, love, name something you might put in your bed before you go to sleep to keep you warm.
Pete: Probably myself.
Lucius/Stede: What?
Pete: Well, I get in bed before I go to sleep, and my body heat under the blanket keeps me warm.
Pete notices everyone on stage giving him confused looks .
Pete: This makes sense!
Lucius: Sure it does, babe. Fang, let’s see “myself” up on the board.
The board buzzes.
Pete: Really?!?!
Lucius: Sorry hon, it was a dumb answer.
Pete balks
Lucius: Back to Stede! Name something you might put in your bed before you go to sleep to keep you warm.
Stede: My husband.
Stede crosses his arms over his chest to say I love you to Ed in ASL.
Lucius: Gross, but at least that makes sense. Is partner on the board?
The board dings.
Team Delicacies and Delights applauds. Ed tries to scowl, but it’s obvious he’s happy for Stede.
Lucius: Oluwande, you’re also known for answers that make sense. Name something you might put in your bed before you go to sleep to keep you warm.
Oluwande: I mean, I wouldn’t but my mum would always use a hot water bottle.
Lucius: That is kind of an old lady answer, I’m glad you explained yourself. Fang, show us hot water bottle!
The board dings.
The crowd cheers along with the team, probably just over how funny Izzy’s anger is.
Lucius: Alright, John, four answers left and only one strike. What’ve you got?
John: Maybe a pet if you don’t live with Frenchie
Frenchie: I’d be perfectly fine with a non-cat pet and you know that!
Lucius: A pet!
The board dings.
Lucius: Roach, you found the number one answer last time, can you keep the streak going? Name something you might put in your bed before you go to sleep to keep you warm.
Roach: I’m running out of ideas man. Warm food? Like in a container or bag or something?
Lucius: What the fuck? Like every third or fourth answer is just fucking nonsense. Fang, give ‘em their strike.
The board buzzes.
Lucius: Obviously. Pete. Your last answer was nonsense. Name something you might put in your bed before you go to sleep to keep you warm.
Pete: A space heater? You’d probably burn to death but a dumbass might do it anyway.
Lucius: Just because your last answer didn’t make any sense does not mean you have to give me a novel about all of them. Fang, show us if he’s right!
The board dings
Lucius: Ten people really do want to light their fucking bed on fire, huh?
Pete: Fucking morons!
Lucius: Stede, sir – since you’re my boss. You could win it all in just two answers, but you have two strikes. You’re walking a fine line. Name something you might put in your bed before you go to sleep to keep you warm.
Stede: I can’t think of more things you put in a bed! Pillows? I don’t fucking know.
Lucius: Those warm cozy pillows!
The board buzzes
Stede looks crestfallen, while Ed fluctuates between elated and concerned for Stede.
Lucius: Ed, this is it. If you give us one correct answer your team gets drinks paid for by team Delicacies and Delights for the rest of the night, and a chance to play fast money for our bigger prize. What’ve you got?
Ed: Socks.
Lucius: Fang, show me socks!
The board dings.
Pete: That’s dumb as fuck.
Oluwande: You don’t put socks in the bed you put them on.
Lucius: The number three answer, which you didn’t get, was pajamas.
Roach: That’s fucking bullshit!
Ed is grinning. Jim has pulled their shoulders back with pride. Even Izzy nods in satisfaction.
Stede: You don’t put clothes in your bed!
Ed: Sorry mate, looks like I’m cleverer than you!
Lucius points the losing team to the table saved for them in the audience.
Lucius: Give me two players who you think are somewhat competent, it’s time for fast money, a game so stupid I’m actually excited to see you play it!
Ed and Jim come to Lucius at the center of the stage.
Lucius: Izzy let this happen?
Izzy: Fuck no!
Lucius: Okay that’s what I thought. Who’s first?
Ed: Me.
Lucius sends Jim backstage, where a pair of noise canceling headphones waits for them. They put them on and plug them into their phone. They listen to a Led Zeppelin greatest hits playlist.
Lucius: I’m going to put 20 seconds on the “clock”.
Lucius holds up his phone with the timer app open.
Lucius: If you can’t come up with anything, say pass.
Ed: I won’t need to fuckin’ pass.
Lucius: Okay, time starts now! Name a reason a person might wake up at 2:00 in the morning.
Ed: My partner accidentally kneed me in the balls.
Stede laughs from the audience.
Lucius: Tell me a type of gun that doesn't shoot bullets.
Ed does finger guns as he answers
Ed: Squirt gun.
Lucius: Name a reason a person might be running.
Ed: Exercise
Lucius: Name something you never leave home without.
Ed: Phone
Lucius: Name something appealing about working from home.
Ed: Not wearing pants.
Lucius: Great! Let’s go through these. Fang, you ready?
Fang: Yep!
Lucius: We asked you to name a reason a person might wake up at 2:00 in the morning. You said
Lucius: The survey said
Lucius: You’re off to a great start.
Ed: Fuck!
Lucius: I asked you to tell me a type of gun that doesn't shoot bullets. You said
Lucius: Survey says
Lucius: Better. I asked you to name a reason a person might be running. You said
Lucius: Survey says
Lucius: You’re starting to look competent! I told you to name something you never leave home without. You said
Lucius: Survey says
Lucius: and lastly I said to name something appealing about working from home. You said
Lucius: Survey says
Lucius: Not bad, Ed, you got 128 points. You need 200 to win our fabulous prize. That prize is that your team gets to pick the house specials for next week, no theme required, just their favorite drinks on a card. And no specials committee meeting for Ed.
Ed: I think we got it.
Fang brings Jim back on stage.
Lucius: Jim, Ed earned you 128 points. You need 72. I’ll put 25 seconds on the clock. We don’t have a fancy buzzer, so if you repeat one of Ed’s answers I’ll just say ‘no.’
Jim: I fuckin’ got this.
Lucius: Time starts now. Name a reason a person might wake up at 2:00 in the morning.
Jim: Had to pee.
Lucius: Tell me a type of gun that doesn't shoot bullets.
Jim: Stun gun.
Lucius: Name a reason a person might be running.
Jim: Vengeance. Chasing someone.
Lucius: Name something you never leave home without.
Jim: Phone.
Lucius: No.
Jim: Uuuummm knife.
Lucius: Name something appealing about working from home.
Jim: No coworkers, sorry everyone.
Lucius: Done! We asked you to name a reason a person might wake up at 2:00 in the morning. You said
Lucius: The survey said
Lucius: Needing to use the bathroom was the number one answer.
Jim: Bet.
Lucius: I asked you to tell me a type of gun that doesn't shoot bullets. You said
Lucius: Survey says
Lucius: Nail gun was the number one answer. I asked you to name a reason a person might be running. You said
Lucius: Survey says
Lucius: That’s a very you answer. The number one answer was exercise.
Ed: Fuck yeah!
Lucius: I told you to name something you never leave home without. You said
Lucius: Survey says
Lucius: Phone was the number one answer. And lastly I said to name something appealing about working from home. You need fourteen points to win. You said
Lucius: Survey says
Lucius: So, you don’t win.
Jim: Fuck this fucking game!
Ed: I have to go to that damn meeting!
Izzy: Wouldn’t have happened if you let me play instead of Jim.
Lucius: Ed got the last number one answer! Now go get your damn free drinks!
Lucius turns to the audience
Lucius: Now this is never happening again!
The audience claps and the staff at Blackbeard’s laugh together, ending the night with drinks and fun.