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Exhausting. That’s the one word you’ve started associating with this process. Or was it a journey? You weren’t quite sure, but all you know is that you wished it was easier. That you wished it wasn’t so hard and difficult all the time. You couldn’t remember the last time you didn’t have a breakdown over seeing yourself in the mirror. One day you like what you see, the next you absolutely despise everything about it. You put on one outfit feeling great about it, the next minute you feel like everything is suffocating and tears are streaming down your face while you rip everything off your body.
You just couldn’t understand what was going on, why you were feeling the way you were. It’s why you started throwing yourself into more trainings, more missions. The more you distracted yourself, the less time you had to over analyse and process what these feelings were. Though the minute you collapsed on your bed the thoughts came flowing to the front of your mind. Everything you pushed back was suddenly bursting its way through the mental restraints you created, overwhelming you.
It felt like these feelings came out of nowhere but honestly the more you thought about it, the more you realised you might have been mistaking this gender identity crisis for a deep level of self hate. As a kid you were never overly feminine or masculine. You were known as a ‘tomboy’ since you weren’t conventionally girly but you never thought much of it. Not until you found yourself standing in front of the mirror flattening your chest, standing side on and wishing you looked like that.
You were stuck. You didn’t want to be perceived as a woman, but you didn’t want to be perceived as a man. You enjoyed looking feminine and were definitely on the more feminine side most of the time. But you didn’t enjoy it all the time. You didn’t know how to get the outside to match how you feel on the inside.
Lately it has been getting harder. Trying to figure out where you fit in when you don’t feel like you fit anywhere. None of your clothes seemed to feel right anymore and you didn’t know how to fix it. You’d sit in meetings but you’d never listen, your mind constantly elsewhere. Natasha started to notice the change in your behaviour but she brushed it off considering she knew how much you had been working. She thought you were overworking yourself and took a mental note to confront you to take some time for yourself.
The only thing you tuned in to hear was Tony announcing yet another part the compound would be hosting. You internally groaned at the thought of a party. Having so many people around you, perceiving you. You wished you didn’t have to attend but being part of the avengers meant you were expected to socialise. Getting ready for large events always makes you anxious. You knew how you were expected to dress and how you were going to be perceived. Some days you wished you could stop existing, that it would be easier than being perceived in the wrong way.
Taking a deep breath you slowly made your way back to your room, attempting to get ready for the evening. Showers in the dark so you wouldn’t have to accidentally see yourself and spiral because there were aspects, characteristics you wish you didn’t have. The feeling of an eventual breakdown was bubbling within your stomach but it wasn’t something you hoped to have just yet.
Natasha was on her way to your room since the two of you would always arrive at events together. The two of you would stick together to make the parties tolerable. Getting drunk together, dancing together, completely clearing your minds and focusing on each other. Everyone knew the two of you were close but the pair were too oblivious of the feelings you and Natasha held for each other. But with your internal struggles any other thoughts or feelings were pushed right to the back not seeing an ounce of daylight. Neither of you were ready for that conversation. For now you were both happy with how close you were as friends. That was enough.
Though she was blissfully unaware of what was going on behind closed doors. Your struggles were your own. That was it. You didn’t want to burden anyone else with these things. So you never let anyone in, even Natasha. Preferring to struggle silently. Though it wasn’t ideal you found a strange sense of comfort in it.
Today was one of those days where nothing felt right. Getting dressed and ready felt like a heavy weight was resting on top of you, slowly crushing you until you couldn’t take it anymore. Silent tears furiously falling as you tugged at every inch of your clothing and your body. Taking in your own reflection. You didn’t recognise yourself. Not recognising who you were, your own reflection, was your breaking point. You wanted so badly to be able to express how you felt but you just didn’t know how to. You didn’t know where to start or what to do. And you felt like there was no one you could turn to. No one who would understand.
Natasha knocked on your door, but you were so deep that you didn’t hear it, and you didn’t hear her enter your room slowly. Or the small gasp and sad sigh that soon followed once she saw the state you were in. You were on the floor by your bed, curled up in the tightest ball Natasha didn’t even realise was possible. When Natasha took you into her embrace you were stiff, not wanting or welcoming the touch. But once you started to hear her soft voice you slowly relaxed. Not fully relaxing but enough for now.
‘Y/N, what’s wrong?’ Natasha whispered, holding you close. You closed your eyes, not knowing how to reply. To you, there wasn’t anything that was right.
‘What isn’t wrong,’ You sighed. Natasha’s eyebrows furrowed, not fully understanding. You moved away from her. Enough to give you a bit of space, but you were still within an arm's reach of Natasha in case you needed that comfort, ‘Most days none of my clothes feels right, my hair is constantly annoying me. Like when did it get this long? I never feel good anymore and- and I can’t recognise myself,’ You wrapped your arms around yourself but when you felt your body more tears violently fell, ‘I wish I could just get a knife and chop everything I don’t want off, to change things so I can finally feel how I do inside on the outside. I’m tired all the time. I can’t focus on anything else. I’m exhausted, Nat. I don’t know what to do,’ The anger laced self-hate died down towards the end of your outburst.
You were tired. Tired of not feeling good enough no matter what you did. Natasha was initially surprised at your confession, but once she thought about it, it wasn’t all that surprising. She was right. You were overworking yourself. In more ways than anyone could ever understand. She knew that she couldn’t relate and would be lying if she knew how to help you. But it didn’t mean that she wasn’t willing to try. Natasha cared about you so deeply, it hurt her to see you like this. She only wanted what was best for you and would be willing to do anything to try and get you to a point where you were genuinely happy again.
‘Nat, I don’t think I’m a woman, but I don’t think I’m a man either. I don’t feel like anything. I wish I could just be me and that it would be enough,’
‘Oh, detka, being just you is enough,’ Natasha hesitantly reached out for you and you gladly accepted pulling yourself into her lap, ‘I know there’s a lot of expectations and boxes that society wants us to fit into. But you have to remember that you are more than that. You don’t need to be anything other than you. And if you’re afraid no one will understand, that no one will love you the same. Remember that you’ll always have at least one person on your side. You’ll always have me. I’m not going anywhere,’ Natasha brushed your hair back so it wasn’t sticking to your face. Your face was blank, the tears still falling being the only evidence that you weren’t completely numb or void of emotions.
Natasha moved her hand to wipe some of the tears away. You leaned into her touch, closing your eyes. There was a part of you that was starting to regret that you told Natasha everything. But you knew it was for the best. Even though you felt alone you knew there was at least one person you had who supported you.
‘Nat, I don’t want to go anywhere. Can we stay here?’ You looked up towards her. She could see the pain behind your glossed eyes. There was no way she would make you go anywhere if you weren’t comfortable.
‘We can skip the party. How about we watch your favourite movie? I can go get us our favourite snacks?’ Natasha went to move away but you gripped on tighter.
‘Don’t leave. I don’t want to be alone,’ Natasha obliged and held you closer. Running her fingers through your hair, but making sure to not go the full way, remembering your hair was a sore spot for you and she didn’t want you to fall down deep again.
‘I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,’ Natasha lifted both of you off of the ground and she placed you on the bed. Finding your comfort hoodie, that just happened to be Natasha’s favourite oversized hoodie, and placing you in that before settling the both of you in your bed. Making sure the blankets were pulled right up and that you were safe in her arms, ‘How about tomorrow I take you to the shops and you can pick out some new clothes? Ones that will make you feel comfortable?’ Natasha felt the way you stiffened slightly, ‘No judgement. And I’ll make sure no one else knows until you are comfortable to share this part. I’ll be right there with you. We can find a nice friendly place for you to get whatever haircut you want,’
Natasha kept her word. The next day she took you to the shops. You were hesitant at first but with Natasha’s encouraging words you slowly warmed up to the idea of buying any clothes that you liked no matter what. When you weren’t sure about buying from certain sections, Natasha would find something she liked from those areas and buy something for herself. That and she would hold anything you wanted and go to the checkout to buy them for you. Pretending she was buying it for herself until you grew more confident to do it all yourself. Natasha was the best support you could ever ask for.
Your self love or confidence wasn’t fixed overnight. But when you got home and tried on an outfit you picked out that day. That was the first time you felt fully comfortable. The first time in a while you had hope. Hope that everything is going to be okay. That you could finally express who you were. For the first time in a long time you smiled at your own reflection.
Tears welled in your eyes, but this time they were happy tears. The slight joy you felt from having a wardrobe that finally reflected who you were was overwhelming. It was only the beginning but you couldn’t wait for what was to come. You knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing but you had hope you could make it through.
‘Thank you,’ You turned around to face Natasha with a small smile. She was happy to see you like this.
‘Don’t thank me love. I didn’t do anything,’ Natasha pulled you in for a hug, smiling down at you, ‘You deserve to be happy, to feel loved and to live as who you are. I’m proud of you, always,’