Work Text:
***
Iruka said goodbye to the sleepy Naruto at the boy’s door, strolled down the stairs of their apartment complex, jumped into his own flat to pick up his bag, then he was off to work. He was already late for his night shift in the Administration building, so he chose a shortcut and jogged through the east park.
The Konoha garden looked nothing like it did in the daytime. The usually inviting place gained a frightening aura. The tree tops were so dense the moon barely illuminated the pathway, and the public lighting worked only at the beginning of the park. As he went deeper into the small forest, the cool summer night got a cold bite.
Iruka cursed himself for choosing this path.
He was so annoyed with himself. He should have been on the rooftops, but instead, he was stumbling in the darkness. He had to slow down so he wouldn't trip and accidentally eat sand when suddenly something moved in the dark.
Iruka was startled into stillness and strained his eyes to see what was there.
It moved towards him, snapping thin branches in the underbrush. Slowly Iruka adjusted the bag on his shoulder and furtively grabbed a kunai from his pocket.
Just in case.
The sound stopped.
Iruka waited, then exhaled in relief.
He listened for a couple of seconds more, but when he decided to continue his walk, he heard a low rumbling growl, but now from the other direction. Iruka jumped in fright.
It was much, much closer to him.
"The hell..." he muttered under his breath and ran towards the Tower.
His eyes bugged out in fear as the garden seemed to move with him, then several beasts bounced off the ground to chase after him; their steps shook the earth. He concentrated chakra into his legs, but couldn't outrun them. The branches tore into his clothes and slapped his face, while his heart beat like crazy.
The growling and snarling increased, as he neared the center of the garden, where the trees thinned out and a slender monolith towered in the middle.
The beasts suddenly stopped at the border of the treeline and started circling the small patch of grass. Iruka stopped running at the foot of the sculpture and frantically looked around.
There were at least five... no, seven creatures in his trail, all of them growling. Iruka jumped in fright as two of them ran at each other and one of them whined in a high pitch and the stronger beast tore into flesh with a roar.
It made the others howl in excitement.
"What the hell?" Iruka dithered. He started to be really scared.
Were they wolves? Or hounds? What the hell were they doing in the middle of a town, except...?
It was an ambush?
He abruptly turned around and started to search his surroundings to find... There!
Iruka staggered back in shock.
At the top of the monument, someone looked down on him. The figure crouched down, elbows resting on his knees. A beast, a bloodhound; bigger than he ever saw - loomed above the man. Its eyes shone like two deadly orbs, fixed on him. The gigantic dog lowered its massive head and barked at him. Iruka squeezed the kunai in his palm.
He gulped and observed his unmoving enemy.
The ceramic mask reflected the moonlight, and the left eye socket glowed red.
It was a stylized form of a hound too.
Iruka blinked startled.
Is that...?
Iruka's shoulders sagged in relief as realization hit him, which transformed into fury in the blink of an eye. He knew this man, despite never having met him before.
How dare he? He welcomed the pure undistilled rage that flooded his vision with red.
"What the bloody HELL?" He screamed at the ANBU.
The dog raised his enormous head and tilted to the right, the man stayed motionless.
The other dogs stopped in their tracks and probably watched him too, leaving the clearing in complete silence while he gathered all of his air, and hollered at them.
"What is your deal IDIOT?" He felt his throat get sore from the sheer volume he used. Some of the sleeping birds flew up to the sky from the nearby branches, but he couldn't bring himself to care, because really?
"Really?"
The man remained still, and the dog tilted his head the other way.
"I waited for you for ages, and this is how you want to play this out?"
He was so disappointed!
"Really!" he repeated because he just couldn't…
When he found Naruto a couple of months ago, sick with flu, hungry, and generally miserable due to neglect, he was so concerned for the boy. He thought maybe the boy had to fend for himself completely alone, mentorless, friendless. He was so relieved when the boy told him about a man he used to play with and who got him food and clothes when he was out of his budget.
After their first meeting, he made it his personal mission to look after the boy, until his secret guardian came back to town.
And this is how the bastard wanted to meet him.
Scaring him shitless.
Iruka originally wanted to thank him for taking care of Naruto, when no one else bothered. He wanted to ask permission to do the same for the boy, as soon as the man got back from who-cares-town.
But this is the way he wanted to play things out?
No.
Just no.
"What the hell do you want to do? Scare me?" The dog moved his head in the other direction again. It looked like a curious puppy from the underworld. The ANBU didn't move an inch. It irritated Iruka to no end. "Speak, idiot! I'm a sensible person. What's this supposed to mean? Should I be so scared of you that I never meet with Naruto again? Is this a shovel talk?" the masked man twitched at Naruto's mention. Iruka scowled.
"You know what? He told me about you," the ANBU twitched again. Iruka snorted with a twisted delight. "Yeah. The kid’s got a mouth as big as the Hokage mountain," and extended his arms wide as he could, showing how big that mouth was.
"You've got the nerve to do this. You come and go, never stick around too much. Who do you think you are? Don't you have shame, leaving him hanging? The boy needs a stable person that he can depend on. He is SEVEN!"
That provoked a reaction. The glowing eye blinked a couple of times and the Anbu straightened his back. "Do you know who I am?" he said threateningly.
Iruka would have none of it.
"The heck I care, but I am. What do you take me for? I don't even need Naruto for that," he extended his arms again and turned around. He picked up his voice with the fakest mocking smile he had. "Dogs everywhere, a glowing Sharingan pointing at ME, a psycho stenching up the place with STUPID," he screamed the last bit so loud he shook with it. He took a deep shuddery breath. He really prided himself on his assertive traits. He was never too busy to judge people, given he wasn't privy to the kind of struggles the other person had, but come on. He wouldn't tolerate a full head-on assault from anybody.
Suddenly he felt tired. He dropped his head in defeat and pinched the bridge of his nose. "So stupid..." he whispered under his breath.
The clearing got silent again for a minute.
Iruka collected himself and looked up to the ANBU. He felt the first symptom of the adrenalin crash as it began to decrease in his system, but then the ANBU had the gall to address him.
"Chuunin..." he started, but Iruka interrupted him, because he wouldn't let him pull rank over him.
The gall of this man.
Unbelievable.
Anger rose again in Irukas's throat.
"No. Absolutely not. I'm speaking.” He hit his chest with his thumb. They will not have the conversation the other came for. "Now, I will go to work because I won't be late because of you. The next time you crawl out of the ditch you call home, I will expect an apology, Sharingan no Kakashi!" and he turned on his heels and marched away.
Just like that.
He saw from the corner of his eye that the big dog and Kakashi turned their heads sideways while looking after him.
He must have had an effect because he heard no dog paws moving behind him. He left behind the clearing and strained his eyes to navigate in the dark forest. He still fumed under his breath, when a thought struck him and he suddenly stopped.
Lately, he has met a lot of stray dogs, hasn't he?
The realization flashed through him like lightning.
One of them was so shamelessly begging for his food he gave her almost his entire meal. She even licked his hand and wagged her bushy tail, while looking up at him with big adoring puppy eyes. This dog stuck around for almost a week. Iruka contemplated adopting her. He even looked at the dog accessories at the market.
"No way," he muttered. He turned back on a whim and went back. He doesn't even hide his presence and strode towards the clearing.
He saw the monument well before he stepped out to the moonlight, and when he saw the dogs trotting to their owner, he jumped on a branch for cover.
"Hahaha, I saw something interesting," the smallest dog in the front of the pack laughed delightfully. The other canines yipped with joy.
"Shut up" grumbled Hatake and sat down on the monolith dangling his legs. "What the hell happened?" he asked distractedly, not really expecting an answer.
One of the dogs with shades pitched up his voice and mimicked Kakashi. "Do you know who I am?" and he exploded into a laughing fit.
The other mutts joined him, and some of them even countered, which delighted the pack even more.
"Kaf kaf. Maybe he really knows him, that's why he cussed him out."
"God, did you see his face when he noticed him? Jipjipjip."
"It was so awkward, I couldn't watch, yet I couldn't turn away."
"He went ballistic on him, hihihi."
"Condolences, Boss. Hahaha."
Kakashi crossed his arms on his chest and snorted agitatedly.
"You guys weren't scary enough!"
One of the dogs gasped, offended. The small dog snickered.
"He isn't a pushover, Boss."
Kakashi huffed in annoyance and stood up, dusting the back of his trouser.
"More like he is too stupid to be afraid," he rumbled and before he could jump down to join the pack, one of the smaller dogs stepped forward.
"It was karma punishing you for calling him Snack-san behind his back." This made the dogs holler again. "He gave me such delicious snacks, though..."
Iruka was just waiting for her. He jumped down and marched out with renewed anger. As soon as the dogs saw him coming, he struck out an accusing finger.
"You! Bad dog," he pointed at the dog with circles around her eyes.
The dog startled badly, then slouched down her head, and slowly sneaked behind the other dogs.
"I'm sorry," she whined, but Iruka was too angry to care.
"You cheater! I gave you so much of my food, and this is your gratitude?” Now her fellow mates were squirming too and couldn't keep eye contact seeing his anger.
That made him look at them too. He recognized all of them. Iruka blinked in bafflement. The previous month he interacted with all of them.
The red one injured its leg, and Iruka helped it to Hana's vet clinic, the smallest trailed him but wouldn't come closer no matter how nicely he asked, the brown dog with glasses fell into a ditch and he pulled it out, and so on. He met all of them, except the biggest one. (Which acted all guilty anyway, but it wouldn’t gain him any favor.)
"I told him we shouldn't scare you..." she said in a small voice, hiding her tail between her legs, acting heartbroken.
Iruka almost felt sorry for her.
Almost.
"Unbelievable," he threw his hands in the air and marched away to work. "Bad dogs!"
All of them flinched, including Hatake.
He wished god may save him from crazy jounins and ungrateful mutts in the future. It kept gnawing at his conscience that they took advantage of his good nature.
Iruka was too busy licking his wounds until midnight, when it registered what she let slip.
"Snack-san?"
***
Iruka expected awkwardness, perhaps even hostility, the next time he met the copy-nin. Perhaps a run-in at Naruto's apartment, or a stilted encounter at the mission desk.
But oh boy, he was so wrong.
Iruka knelt on the loose soil, the earth dampening the fabric of his pants. The forest was still wet from the late afternoon rain, the leaves shone under the raikiris blue and his shield's green light. Sweat beaded from his hair and slid down his back. His chest heaved with exertion. He had run so fast to catch up with Naruto and Kakashi, and now the chakra drain from the shield was taking its toll on him.
He had no chance of holding the famous Sharingan no Kakashi against his will for too long, but he could not walk away and pretend he had not seen the jounin whisk away Naruto.
"Put the boy down," he gasped and had to swallow before continuing, "And step down, Hatake."
Iruka tried to keep his gaze fixed sternly on the ground. He was not foolish enough to look directly into the sharingan and get caught in a genjutsu beyond his caliber, but he risked a glance at his prisoner.
He stood in the center of the force field, showing his back to him, shoulders rigid, ready for battle. His right hand chirped with the sound of a thousand birds, charging the ear with electricity and ozone which ought to burn chakra like a wildfire. To his left, Naruto sat on his arm and hugged his neck as if his life depended on it. The boy looked back over the copy nin's shoulder at Iruka, his eyes were terrified. His face was bloodied, and he held an ANBU toy mask in his hand.
"Iruka-sensei?" he asked, frightened.
The copy-nin slowly turned his head toward him.
Iruka looked to the ground before he could catch him with a genjutsu, watching them from the side of his vision.
"Sensei!" shouted Naruto, shaking the copy-nin by the shoulder.
Not moving to push his captor away, Iruka noted bitterly.
"You can't fight Iruka-sensei," and continued to shake him as if he was a tree.
Iruka would laugh at them if the situation wasn't so serious.
"Naruto," Hatake's voice was low and halting, but the warning was evident in it.
"You can't, you can't," Naruto insisted.
"You don't want to come with me anymore?" he said almost sadly.
"Yes, I do, but..." cried Naruto conflicted.
The copy-nin sighed and the chirping slowly died away. Iruka risked a glance and saw Hatake pulling down his hitai-ate on his red eye.
"Then let's talk," he said, setting Naruto down, turning to Iruka and greeting him with the fakest of eye smiles. "Yo!"
Iruka gritted his teeth. "I wonder," he drawled. "Will you try to convince me you were not planning on kidnapping a seven-year-old?"
While Iruka was deeply grateful that Hatake ended his signature jutsu and was reluctant to eviscerate Iruka on the spot, he was sure not to take it as an olive branch, but rather a reaction to Naruto's plea. However, he was struggling to keep up his shield. It was not meant to hold people captive for any length of time, or at least not for him. It drained his chakra at an alarming rate. Iruka gave himself about 10 minutes before he lost consciousness due to chakra exhaustion, which made him desperate. If the copy-nin wanted to talk his ear off, he would lose his chance to save Naruto. But if he let go of the jutsu and got into a fight, he could inadvertently hurt the boy.
He preferred not to think about the mile-wide difference between their abilities.
"Maa, no. I was doing just that," he said as if it was nothing.
Iruka's jaw dropped. He wasn't expecting an easy admission for treason.
Especially not from the most famous jounin in the village.
"Why the hell would you do that?" he inquired, dumbfounded.
"For reasons," he said, looking up at the sky. The shield cast an eerie hue on his face. "You should release the shield so we can sit down," he offered, shaping the end of the sentence into a question.
"I don't think so, thank you for your generous offer," Iruka snarked. His hands on the seal trembled slightly.
"If you are afraid of losing the upper hand," he rolled down his eye to pin him with a glare, then lowered his head. "Don't bother. You never had it to begin with."
Iruka was about to retort when something grazed his ankle. He jolted so hard that he accidentally released the seal and fell to the ground. Behind him, the gigantic black dog looked down on him. His eyes gleamed with intellect and its breath wafted in Iruka's face as it panted. He felt himself paling at the sight of those canines.
"As I said, let's talk," and like someone pleased with himself, Kakashi trotted past him to a tree trunk and sat down.
The bushes moved as another ninken jumped out of the shadows and sat down next to its owner.
Iruka swallowed past the lump in his throat.
O-okeeey then.
He sat there like a tool, at least he felt like it, but he pushed the feeling down...
He was outsmarted, he could live with that. At least he was still alive, and the copy-nin was not on the warpath.
Yet.
He would try to keep an eye on him still, he wasn't foolish enough to trust him. Although, his death would upset Naruto.
He shook out of his stupor when Naruto tried to pass him. He grabbed the kid's wrist, which was too bony for his age.
"Wait," he said and pulled him closer. The kid still looked conflicted and anxious from the previous display. Iruka wasn't about to upset him even more, so he gently caressed the bloodied cheeks, then started to search the blond locks for the injury. "What happened?"
"Nothing," Naruto mumbled and ducked his head and hid the mask behind his back.
Hatake exhaled forcefully through his nose but didn't comment.
Iruka frowned as he found the injury in his hairline. A laceration, caused by a blunt object, but well into healing itself. Iruka sighed heavily. He suspected what happened.
How could the villagers be so cruel to this kid? If they would make the effort, they would realize he had nothing to do with the ninetails. He deserved all the love and affection that a normal seven-year-old would get. He wasn't surprised Hatake showed up, and Naruto was all on board to leave Konoha.
"You are lucky, you are healing fast. It was a nasty hit" Iruka muttered. “Who did this?" he asked, but he saw from Naruto's body language that he wouldn't get an answer. He was notoriously tight-lipped about the injuries and traumas he suffered from the people of Konoha. Iruka wasn’t surprised; he learned early to keep quiet about any injury, wary to let on any potential soft spot. And while Iruka meant the best for Naruto, he was a relatively recent happenstance in Naruto's life.
He has yet to earn that level of trust.
But apparently, Hatake was an exception.
"It was the mask vendor," he grumbled darkly. "He threw that at his face for looking at it too long," and pointed at the mask that Naruto hid behind his back.
The kid moved the mask from his back to his belly, to hide it from Hatake's direct view. Naruto clutched it with both hands, probably afraid the adults will take away the toy mask. It was a stylized form of a fox, Iruka bitterly noted.
Naruto must have seen something on his face because he quickly hid it under his orange jumper, and swiftly walked to Hatake and sat down.
"Hn. Never mind," Hatake said with another fake eye smile and made space for the kid, so he could rest his back on the trunk too. "I won't let it happen again."
Naruto smiled up at him, a little shaky, but still brilliant. Iruka scowled. The man had Naruto eating out of his hand.
"And you will do that by making yourself a missing-nin?" anger swelled in him. He despised stupid ninjas. He strongly believed they all has known deep down they should erase themselves from the gene pool, and that’s why they ran towards danger intentionally. It was a wonder how Hatake got so famous. Maybe he is a fool with more luck than wit. "What kind of logic is that? The whole village will be after you."
Iruka stood up and walked closer. He felt too much on the edge to sit down calmly and have a conversation about the flaws of just leaving the village. Hatake watched him under his half-dropped eyelids as Iruka started to pace before them.
"Do you know what would happen if you leave just like that?” and he clicked his fingers. ”The whole ANBU would be after you. You will be in the Bingo books under the most wanted section." rambled Iruka. With every turn, he felt more upset. For Naruto, listed in the Bingo book would mean certain death. Despite his potential as a jinchuuriki, he couldn't even mold chakra yet.
Kakashi let out a long exhale. Naruto pushed himself to his side and warily watched Iruka making himself more worked up.
"I wasn't planning on leaving Fire," Kakashi droned nasally.
Iruka stopped in his stride and looked heavenward. "Thank God, for little blessings." He put his hands on his hips, then pinned Kakashi with a glare. "Then what? What about the ANBU? They would force you to come back."
He let out a single chuckle. "They are welcome to try," he said with glee. Iruka froze as the copy-nin oozed hostile intent. "I won't return until Hiruzen passes on the hat."
"Pass on the h- what's Sarutobi-sama got to do with this mess?" he asked incredulously.
"Everything" and he gave Iruka a flat look.
Iruka tried to return it with an even flatter look, but he was never a master of his own expression when he was disturbed.
"Care to elaborate?" he asked with a mocking tone. "Or is it a 'secret'?" he asked and marked quotes with his fingers in the air.
That finally provoked a real reaction. Kakashi frowned and squinted his eyes, but his stare got disturbed by Naruto. His small hands hugged the copy-nins arm, while he looked up at Hatake.
"Why don't you like Oji-san? He was always good to me" he asked innocently. His big blue eyes shone so pure. If it weren't framed by blood...
Iruka would do so much for him.
He felt cold thinking about the conditions the boy lived in. What Naruto meant by "good".
He winced as killing intent seeped into the hostile aura of the man.
"Naruto..." Hatake's tone was grievous. His hand stroked the boy's back, trying to provide some comfort. His hand was almost covering the boy's waist.
Iruka felt a lump in his throat as he thought about how small the kid was compared to his classmates. Scrawny little thing with all eyes.
"It's the grown-up's duty to provide the children with food and care..." he began explaining with forced calmness, but Naruto cut in.
"I had food! He gives me money every month," Naruto insisted.
Hatake shut his eye for a heartbeat. Iruka pressed his mouth into a flat line and sucked on his teeth.
"Money? Naruto, you are seven. You have no business budgeting from scraps," seeing Naruto's defiant expression, he pressed. "I know you are giving your best, but instant ramen and milk aren't sufficient for a growing child." Naruto opened his mouth to retort, but Hatake cut in. "It isn't. You had a right to be placed in a foster family. You had a right to eat well and dress well. You had a right to bond with a family, and the people of the village, but he erased your every chance."
Naruto kept silent this time, visibly digesting what he heard.
Iruka crushed up his nose.
"It wasn't his fault the information leaked..."
"No?" Hatake cut in, watching him out of the corner of his eye, like a predator. "Who picked his caretaker? Delegating work isn't fuin-science, Umino-san. He chose a bitter, grieving woman, who lost her entire family in the attack."
"I heard she had all her mental testing cleared."
"The system is corrupt. We are lucky she just made him an outcast and was not vicious enough to actually harm him."
Iruka sucked on his teeth again, because Hatake was right. It was a near miss.
"I'm certain Hokage-sama was thinking about everyone's good interest."
"Why? Why are you so certain?" he asked, demanding. "Where does this blind faith in him come from?"
Iruka felt indignation rise in him. Sarutobi Hiruzen was one of the few who handled him with devotion when he was at the lowest in his life. He doesn't have to fight the horrors Naruto had to endure, but his teen years weren't pleasant either. He still treasured the time the Hokage spent with him despite how busy his schedule was.
"We are shinobi, Hatake-san. We must endure. We lead a life that isn't for everyone, and framed with heavy decisions." The silence was charged after his exclamation. "If we wouldn't follow our leader, our unity wouldn't last. We are weapons at the end of the day and Sarutobi-sama was Hokage for 40 years, do you think he hasn't kept our best interests at heart all of this time?" he asked. They stared at each other with tension. Naruto pulled away slightly and looked at the ground. The conversation must be grating on his nerves. One of the dogs whines under pressure.
"Yes. This is exactly what I'm saying," he said calmly, like the weather before the storm.
Iruka turned his head away, ending the staredown, and ground his teeth.
"Do you have anything more tangible, than your displeasure with the situation of the village's orphans?"
Hatake exhaled with a hiss.
"I have plenty, Umino-san. If I would give you pointers on where to dig, you would find a lot of unethical practices. I believe in your ability as a paper pusher to see under the facade. Maybe your unbending faith would crumble eventually."
Iruka growled in anger. He stepped closer, squatted down, and leaned in the copy-nins face.
"Do you wanna bet, Hatake-san?" he asked, taunting. He really wanted to prove the man wrong. Delusional.
Hatake laughed out loud, but the sound was far from happy.
"Sure. Why not?" he said, mocking.
Iruka scowled. "Right. But if I don't find anything, you will stop with this nonsense. You will seek help for your paranoia, and be the best version of yourself. No more kidnapping, no treason."
Hatake snorted. The light danced with delight in his exposed eye. "And if I win?"
Iruka scoffed and leaned back, he didn't care if it came out as arrogant. "Then I would let you take Naruto. Damn, I will even help you jump ship."
Naruto looked at him from the corner of his eye, while Hatake blinded him with the continent's fakest eye smile.
"Deal."
***
Iruka was sitting at the top of the apartment complex he lived in. Almost five years ago one of the tenants set up a battered couch and a small tree in a pot for shade, and when he moved out, he left them there so everyone could use them. It wasn't in a good condition, but it was better than sitting on concrete. Not that Iruka cared, anyway. He nursed his beer in his hands and just looked outward, staring at the lights of the village, not focusing on anything particular. He sipped from the bottle but grimaced at the taste. He didn't really want to drink beer.
He suspected it was just his mood that affected his taste because he usually liked this brand. His unending sense of disgust prevented him from enjoying anything. With a click he put down his beer next to the six-pack he carried up.
He sighed and rested his elbows on his knees.
The villagers slowly clocked down on the road, their voices echoed in the street. Iruka leaned over the railing when he heard a familiar shooting.
Ebisu, one of the tokubetsu jounin, an elite trainer, jogged after Konohamaru, the Hokage's grandchild. Iruka pulled back, revolted. This was the last thing he wanted to see right now.
"Maa. I feel the same, Sensei."
Second last, then.
Iruka jumped up, kunai in hand. His beer rolled away, spilling it’s contents on the dry concrete. They glared at each other until the copy-nin gifted him with another fake eye smile.
"Yo!"
Bagging his kunai, Iruka cursed profanities under his nose, as he sat back down on the couch. The man slouched at the railing, watching him like a hawk.
"Would you be kind, and stop scaring me?" he asked, irritated.
"I can't promise anything," he said and eye smiled at him again. This time it looked honest. "So. Will I be a law-abiding citizen from now on?"
Iruka turned his head away, scowling. "I guess not."
It ached. He believed in Hiruzen for so long and it was crushing learning that his childhood hero was such a miscreant. He found a lot of incriminating evidence for malpractices, money laundering, embezzlement, and willful genocide. His stomach rolled. All of them were covered up by legislation and nepotism. Iruka wondered how many people knew about Konoha's rotten core. He could have blamed his ignorance on his age, but maybe he was just well trained to not look into anything too deeply, and just accept his superiors’ word. There was discontent in the village. Several clans demanded change, the first was one of the founder clans: the Uchiha.
"It's a shame" Hatake drawled, and successfully dislodged Iruka from his train of thoughts.
"What?" he asked warily.
Hatake nodded towards Ebisu and his young pupil. Iruka leaned out again, to see Ebisu catch Konohamaru, and now the kid was perched on the jounins shoulder.
"Ebisu is an exceptional trainer. It's a waste to spend his time babysitting that kid."
Iruka slowly shook his head and leaned back. He wasn't interested in their summertime idyll.
"There is nothing particularly wrong with Konohamaru. He is average." Hatake raised his eyebrow, silently asking, ‘then what?’ "It's the favoritism. If someone really could have used a private teacher, that was Naruto. The nine tails will likely fry his chakra pathways if he doesn't learn chakra control well and thoroughly. Ebisu is good with the basics."
Hatake looked at him under a droopy eyelid.
"I didn't want to say while Naruto was there, but," Hatake pushed himself from the rail and sat down next to him. "I think he wasn't supposed to grow up." Iruka's face contorted. Child negligence, yes, but actual infanticide? He prayed for that to be an exaggeration on Hatake’s part. "Just think about it. Sarutobi gets him an unstable caretaker, then cuts every potential tie by commanding his godfather to take an unending mission and his parents' men to keep their distance. He lets the village know Naruto hosts the kyuubi, then won't defend his person against the atrocity. When the nanny broke down he left the kid with some alimony in a hostile environment without any guard."
Iruka looked at him with a heavy heart. "He visited, and commanded everybody to stay away or there will be consequences."
"Sensei, the kid couldn't even count or read when he was expected to cook for himself and pay his bills."
Iruka closed his eyes and sighed heavily. Hatake had a point.
"But why would he do this?" he asked under his breath. "Naruto was just a baby, but even if that's not enough, he is a powerful weapon. Leaf couldn't lose its only tailed beast. The other nations would see it as an opening."
Hatake hummed, watching the coming and goings on the street.
"It's almost as if there would have been a better jinchuuriki candidate in a couple of years," he said, tone heavy.
Iruka pressed his mouth into a thin line, then asked, "Who?"
Kakashi leaned out and looked after Ebisu and Konohamaru. "Him."
Iruka took a shuddery breath. His stomach rolled with contempt.
Kakashi stood up and dusted off the back of his pants. "It was a rushed decision on my part, to kidnap Naruto, I give you that," he drawled. "But I stand with my decision. Things couldn't continue like this."
Iruka crossed his arms on his chest, hugging himself. “Do you still want to take him?”
“Yes.” Hatake said curtly.
They looked at each other in the heavy silence. Warm wind swept through the street, stroking the gray hair of the copy-nin.
“You can't do that. Not this way,” Iruka said slowly, desperate for him to understand. “You can't protect him alone against the full nation. They will overwhelm you, and take him back.”
Hatake looked down on him with a cold eye. “They are welcome to try,” he drawled and hostile intent seeped into the environment.
“And when they try, what do you think, what will happen to Naruto? How long could you burn the candle at both ends? Or do you bank on the kyuubi's power?” he asked, pressing. Hatake wouldn't answer, just creased his visible eyebrow. “How long would he tolerate his chasers until he snaps?”
“You still think of him as a feral thing,” he said accusingly. His eyes pinned him with a cold stare.
Iruka expected the cold barb, but he wouldn't be derailed by guilt. It was easier for Hatake to be deluded.
Naruto was such a loveable person, he could fool people into believing everything is fine with him.
“He is hosting the kyuubi, Hatake-san. It's affecting him, in more than one way. I try to treat him as I would a normal kid, but he isn't normal. If you won't accept him fully, just one of his better traits, he will wilt under your care. It’s malpractice, which will eventually become a disadvantage for him.“ Iruka sighed heavily and looked away from the judging stare. “He often reacts violently, more and more so with age, which is fuelled by the gargantuan size of his chakra and the negligence he suffered until now. He has underdeveloped language skills which makes him frustrated, and when he lashes out, he is riddled with self-doubt. It is easy to delude yourself into thinking he will be fine on the run because you never heard him complaining and asking for anything, but it's just a self-protecting behavior on his part. The village slapped him around too much.”
“That's why I should go away with him.”
Hatake was self-assured. The pressure hiked up, and a dog whined in the alley, but Iruka wasn't about to get intimidated by some chakra lashing.
“No. There is no place for him elsewhere,” Iruka slowly stood up and looked in the copy-nin’s eye. “You have to make him a home here, where he is protected from real enemies and could learn to curb his powers.”
Hatake hissed with ferocity. “I'm banned from contacting him. I committed treason the minute I got within five-meter of him, sensei. How would you want me to make a home for him?”
Iruka sighed, trying to shake out the tension and let his shoulders slump, and walked to the railing. He let his elbows rest as he watched the lights of the village. Hatake stepped next to him, one hand clutching the bar as he loomed on it. His leaking intent churned his guts in the silence.
“You mentioned a godfather,” he said thinking deeply.
“Yes. He has one,” he said, stilted. “What of it?”
“Is he strong?” asked Iruka, and looked up at him over his shoulder.
Hatake frowned suspiciously. “Yes…?”
Iruka turned his head back to the village. Maybe he had a solution to Naruto's problem. He felt like he had ice in his stomach, but could breathe easier anyway. His plan was straight-up social suicide. Or at least the end of their career. Or the end of their freedom.
“How well do you know the Konoha legal system, Hatake-san?” he asked with the smallest of smiles.
The railing groaned as Hatake leaned out to look fully at his face. “What's with these questions?”
“Because I know them,” Iruka's smile got wider as his thoughts got clearer in his head. “I promised if you were right, I will help you, right?” he asked with a lighter tone. Hatake just nodded, while his eyes observed his face.”What would you say if I could make a mission for us?“
Hatake straightened, startled. The pressure eased into nothingness.
“If Naruto has a legal guardian, he has a right to request a mission to track down that relative.”
Hatake shook his head in disbelief. His tone carried a guarded hope. “I can't take a mission related to him.”
Iruka’s smile got feral. “You just have to trust in my expertise, then.”
“Oh?” asked the copy-nin intrigued. “Am I now?”
“Yes. Also,” Iruka turned fully to face him. He clasped his hand covered with a fingerless glove. Hatake looked frantically at their joined hands and back to his shit-eating grin. “Would you marry me?”
The air stilled as Hatake's eye bugged out.
“WHAT?” Stray dogs howled in the distance. Iruka's laugh echoed down the street as Hatake shook off his hands. "Are you crazy?"
"Yes, but you will marry me anyway," giggled Iruka. He took too much merriment, shocking the man.
"Why on earth, would I do that?" Hatake demanded the answer. Iruka went over another laughing fit as he noticed the copy-nin’s pink ear.
"Because I am a petty man, Hatake-san," he leaned into the other's space and lowered his voice. "Do you know why I was so loyal to Hiruzen?" Hatake leaned back as Iruka kept pushing forward. "When I was in the middle of a bad mental phase and wanted to ditch my ninja way for good, he invited me for tea and gifted me some ANBU mesh armor that I wanted for so long. That single act of care kept me on my track. I thought he went out of his way to give me such an expensive gift, but in fact, do you know who gave me that armor?"
Hatake shook his head and kept his eye warily on him. Maybe Iruka let his eyes convey his inner turmoil too much. "It was my dead parents. All my expenses weren't village funds as I thought. He sized all the orphan accounts and deducted everything from our inheritance. That single act of kindness pushed my account well into deficit. I thought my parents left me with a debt so big I had to work two jobs every day until who knows how long."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"I saw Naruto's accounts too. It's outrageous. If it goes on, he will be pinching pennies until he is 30, despite his huge inheritance," Iruka spoke deeply and slowly. Hatake blinked a couple of times and ducked his head to hide a blush that reached over his mask. His voice cracked as he spoke. Iruka was leaning so close he almost felt the heat coming from that cheek. "You will marry me, so I can fuck the Hokage over so bad, he will lose face. He will wish he never tampered with the orphan's money. So, what do you say?"
Hatake hackled his throat and looked at him for a fleeting moment. "Then I say yes. I guess..."
Iruka slowly pushed himself away with a blinding grin.
Hatake grasped his vest above his heart.
"Thank you Hatake-san," his face ached from his wide smile.
"Call me Kakashi," he said as he leaned against the railing. "I guess…" then he sent him another gobsmacked stare, then shunshined away.
The alley echoed with dog paws prowling away. Iruka pretended to not hear them giggling under their muzzles.
“Bye, Kakashi…”
***
Of course, their next meeting couldn't go like they were civilized people. It started alright, Iruka stood satisfied over the chaotic mess of papers in his one-room apartment. He didn’t have much floor space, and he had to slide them into each other, but he finally finished. He straightened his back and proudly looked at Hatake, who awkwardly stood in the threshold of his tiny cooking cabin.
"I'm finished," said Iruka excitedly. The copy-nin just hummed, but it didn't dampen Iruka's buzz.
They will really do this, and if it goes as planned, they will have plenty of time finding Naruto's godfather.
"I will need your signature for a couple of papers," he said and started to select the documents, careful to not mess up the delicate order on the ground.
"Do I want to know what they are?" he asked and slouched closer to the bed, where Iruka spread the papers. Hands in pockets, eyes droopy, he couldn't convey disinterest more clearly.
Iruka scoffed.
"Probably not," he singsonged. He couldn't wait to file these.
Hatake hummed again. "Maa. How will I know that you aren't going to rob me from all of my money?"
Iruka looked up at the man with a bratty smile. "Oh, you will give me half of your everything, Hatake-san."
The man's exposed eyebrow slowly crept up on his forehead and the man looked down at the papers.
"So you are really planning to marry into the Hatake fortune," he drawled as Iruka put a stack of papers on the bed.
“No-no. You will be an Umino,” Iruka said confidently, but he was fast to explain why. "You are clan head and the Hatake clan was one of the first to join the village, so you could have a seat in the council. That means you are a legal person by default until you marry away or disclaim your heritage. The difference is that marriage is reversible. When we divorce you could reclaim all your rights as the Hatake clan head. You need to be a natural person for half of my plans to work, though, so you need to be married into the Uminos," and Iruka tapped the documents. He was praying he would be compliant and sign them because otherwise he would have to rethink the whole maneuver.
Hatake eyed the pile with an unreadable expression, then he looked at Iruka, assessing. "So, I just sign them, and we are married, like" he snapped his fingers."...that?"
Iruka nodded. "Yeah, I will have to file them, and scatter the documents over the office, rework their dates, and manipulate some of the riskier one's processing, but nothing unmanageable." Iruka flashed a mischievous grin at the other. "And the best in all of this, is they are completely legal. We will probably be riddled with bypassing ANBU, but they couldn't interfere with our mission, not without risking an attendance on the military court. During the third's tenure, the formal administration got so complex that not a lot of people could navigate it."
"Hn," commented Hatake and silently considered his next move. He slowly blinked, then asked. "Will I be Mrs. Umino? Your wife?"
"Ah…" exhaled Iruka, and awkwardly scratched the scar on his nose. His shoulders sagged. "I didn't realize this could be a problem."
He would totally understand if this would be a dealbreaker. Hell, even he would smart if their roles were reversed. They were guys after all, and Hatake was famous for being a ruthless killer.
Being someone's wife would make a great dent in his reputation, which means probably more trouble in the future.
"Huh" hummed the man, watching the pile with unseeing eyes for a minute, then extended his hand for the fountain pen. "I will sign this, on one condition," he said while pinning Iruka with a stare. Iruka's Adam's apple bobbed as he gulped. "You never, ever, in under NO condition will call me your wife when Pakkun is present," he stressed. "Never."
Iruka's eyebrows arched in confusion.
"Pakkun?" he asked. He couldn't recall anyone with this name. He worked with people all around the village and was pretty sure he would have heard that name if they were a shinobi.
"Yes," and took out a battered orange book from his vest. Iruka strained his neck to read the title, but Hatake was too fast to pocket it after he got out a couple of papers from between the worn pages. He shuffled them, searching for one, then when he found it, he pinched it and showed him.
"Pakkun," he said cynically, with complete seriousness.
Iruka's both eyebrows jumped up, because that was a photograph.
Of a dog.
A very compact one for that. In cute dog clothes.
"You want me to censor myself when we meet a dog?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes I hear enough snark from him lately, and I don't want to hear the burn and acid he would spit," he said, then with an elegant wrist move, he pocketed the photographs.
Iruka stood there nonplussed until the realization hit him like a train. It was a nin-dog! How could he forget? The dog looked familiar even.
He scowled like he bit into something sour.
"I promise" he bid.
He will make Naruto tattle to the dog instead. .
He was yet to retaliate for that chase through the Konoha garden. This was his chance.
"Sit down," he pointed at the bed. He wished not for the first time he could have a desk, but his one-bedroom apartment didn't have enough space to place one. "Prepare yourself, there is a lot of signing."
Hatake grumbled but sat down and started signing. When the last paper got done, Iruka wasn't so vindictive anymore, so he smiled down at the man, as he adjusted the paper pile.
"Congratulation, Umino-san," he said in a light tone. "You got yourself a husband."
But when he wanted to step away, the man grabbed his wrist and pulled him down to his level.
Iruka started to strain, because what the hell, their faces were too close.
"And where is my wedding kiss, husband?" he asked, with a wicked glint in his exposed eye.
Iruka's temper went from calm to ballistic in a second.
"A kiss?" He knelt down and flashed him a fake, eye squinting smile. He pushed himself closer, making his hips rest on the bed between the copy-nins legs.
Hatake raised his eyebrow and let go of his hand.
He looked eager.
Iruka placed his hands on each thigh and pushed against them. Hatake squirmed under his touch and slid downward the bed, his crotch almost touching Iruka's abdomen.
Iruka squeezed the thighs reassuringly, egging him on.
But damn, they were fine thighs, he thought distracted.
He slowly dragged his palm up on his legs until they reached the start of the man's hips and grabbed, wrenching him closer.
Hatake gasped and opened his eye comically wide.
Iruka leaned so close they would share breath if the mask wasn't in the way. He went further, almost touching their lips. The other's eye fluttered, then closed, waiting for the kiss.
"You are not pretty enough to be this stupid," he said and playfully slapped the man's cheek. The other flailed so badly that he practically jumped backward and froze on the spot, leaning on his hands. Damn, this jounin, he is so thick. "If you try this again, I will seal your bits away."
The man sat stunned, and with an exaggerated movement grabbed the center of his vest above his heart.
"Threats and no sex. This really is a marriage," he mumbled to himself and massaged his heart.
Iruka stood up and kicked Hatake’s foot out of the way.
"You can go now," he said and started to sort the papers into neat piles.
"Am I under your feet?" the copy-nin scoffed and laughed.
Iruka gave him a nasty stare over his shoulder. "Please go to Naruto and make sure he won't pack too much instant ramen. The bag would be bigger than him." He made a shushing gesture towards the man. "We will meet at the gates," he looked at his clock, "in three hours," and turned away from the man.
He expected the other to go immediately, but Hatake grabbed his wrist and started to pull him over. Iruka felt his veins on his temple throb with annoyance as he turned. He almost demanded Kakashi unhand him, when he hoisted his hand and put something on his palm.
Iruka's jaw dropped.
They were wedding bands.
Nice wedding bands.
Iruka froze on the spot. He was so carried away he didn't think about this properly as he should have.
He really did get married? What the hell was he thinking?
Meanwhile, his husband picked up the bigger band and slid it on his own ring finger. Then when he was done he repeated it on Iruka’s hand. The ring had been warmed from Hatake’s body heat.
"These were my grandparents’, so take good care of them."
And he said it like it was nothing!
Iruka's jaw was permanently stuck hanging down.
Hatake walked to his apartment door and opened it, but stood in the threshold a moment longer. "And call me Kakashi, Anata," winked at him then shut the door behind himself. The click of the lock was echoing in the room.
Iruka frantically grabbed his hair and looked at his banded finger.
How could Hatake think it’s appropriate to give him such an important family heirloom?
How could someone wink with only one eye?
How could such a simple band burn his finger so much?
And Anata?
"Iruka, what the hell is wrong with you?”
Sometimes he was his own biggest enemy.
***
Iruka was ready to gouge out his eyes when they finally, finally slowed down into walking and broke their formation. He had enough of watching his husband’s glute flexing, jumping, twisting before him. Oh, he tried to look away, watching anything else, but when his thoughts wandered, he always caught himself staring at his back again.
It was a nightmare.
There was nothing else on the roads to look at despite them intentionally taking the most exposed form of ninja traveling by going on the highway down south to Fire Lake. Not that he was against some innocent peeping at a well-kept body, no, he wasn't a prude, per se, he was just busy suppressing the whole married topic as a whole. He still couldn't believe he was petty enough to marry someone out of spite.
That was another thing he was annoyed at himself for.
He was committing treason, fraud, and intentional twisting of Konoha's law, and the marriage is what he has the biggest problem with?
Iruka was ready to dig a pit, hide in it, and do some soul searching until he found precisely what was wrong with him.
It was his only saving grace that Naruto was having the time of his life.
They were fast traveling for over four days now, and despite the strain, he never saw him happier.
Just as they slowed down Naruto jumped from Kakashi’s back, and loudly squealed: “Bull,” and jumped on the dog, with the intention to push him on his side, but Bull just huffed, and with a screaming Naruto on his back he dashed forward on the road.
Iruka was about to laugh out loud, but it stuck in his throat as Kakashi turned back and slowed down to wait for him. His ring felt like it was burning his finger. He couldn't help but constantly twist it round and round which made him even more aware of its presence.
“Alright, Anata?” Kakashi asked and wiggled his eyebrow at him.
Ah, that was another thing he was looking forward to living without.
This constant… whatever what it was.
He wasn’t going to call this flirting, because it was too awkward for that.
Iruka hmmed indifferently and fixed his gaze at Naruto's flag-like flying.
“Still punishing me with the silent treatment?” asked Kakashi while putting his hands in his pockets. He hunched his shoulders and dreamily looked up at the sky.
Iruka rolled his eyes.
“I'm talking to you, Kakashi-san, I don't know what you are talking about.”
“Such a distant husband I have,” moaned Kakashi.
Iruka closed his eyes for a second and sighed. They were about to reach their destination, near the lake, but not too close to Port city. They will make a camp in the valley of the nearby tall mountain’s feet, and wait for the approaching ANBU to make their move. When Kakashi announced they were being followed, Iruka felt a brief panic. He wasn't expecting such a fast response from Konoha.
He planned their cower thoughtfully.
Kakashi was listed on a mission which got an A security clearance from Iruka, so there weren't so many prying eyes, who could have noticed what kind of mission they were on.
Naruto, given the academy was on a break, wasn't missed by anyone. The Hokage's monthly visit was two weeks away.
So logically, it left him as the weakest piece in the chain.
Iruka as a teacher and office worker was often sought out on official matters, despite being listed under the same mission as Kakashi.
He was careful to word the mission, conveniently leaving out Naruto’s name from the description, but he had to name him under the customer. It probably prompted an internal investigation, and when it came to light that they took the village’s jinchuuriki, they panicked.
Iruka was genuinely wishing they panicked.
That meant they would rush and play right into their hand.
“Do you know when they will arrive?” he asked, completely ignoring Kakashi’s previous sentence.
“Hmm,” Kakashi stopped and kneeled down. He made hand signs and put his finger on the ground. “They will get here around nine, maybe a little bit later,” he drawled while he straightened up.
Iruka's shoulders sag. He was relieved they had plenty of time to prepare. Bull took a turn and headed back.
“We have to make a camp, far away from the road, in case they are coming with a boom,” he said and smiled at the giggling Naruto, who was now practically riding the dog.
Kakashi scoffed.
“They won't.”
Iruka frowned and looked at the man. “Why are you so sure? They have come to rescue a minor from some unhinged shinobi.”
This time Kakashi briefly laughed.
“Maa. You will see,” and humor danced in his eye.
Iruka raised his eyebrows.
“Mighty confident, are you?”
The rest of the pack, who trailed them, gained on them. Kakashi lovingly caressed Urushi’s head as he rubbed his body on its owner's thighs.
“Aye,” he said with a hint of smugness in his tone.
“Do you feel who will come?” asked Iruka curious. There were sensors back in the day that could sense people from a continent away.
“No, but I don't have to. Hiruzen is predictable. He will send my old team to bring me around, and if they fail there will be two more Anbu teams to intimidate me,” he said and started walking again. ”He will send Maito Gai for support too. So predictable.”
Iruka felt his hackles rise, as he hurried after him.
“Arrogance is the downfall of the shinobi, Kakashi-san,” he warned the man.
Hiruzen maybe wasn't the person he thought him to be, but he wasn't Hokage for 40 years for nothing. He felt uneasy when he thought about slipping on their own ego.
“Still defending the old snow monkey?” He was so smug, Iruka’s mild annoyance doubled.
“This isn't that” he stated and put his hands on his hips.
One of the dogs giggled behind them and the others eagerly watched. Iruka felt like he was again in the center of the merriment.
Kakashi tipped back his head and under his droopy eyelids sent him a patronizing look.
Now, that was it.
Iruka sped up and stood before Kakashi, actively stopping him in his stride. Their chests came dangerously close, while Kakashi tipped down his head to look into Iruka’s eyes.
“Do you wanna bet, Kakashi-san?” He asked and swore he would teach the other a lesson about modesty.
Kakashi raised his eyebrow and bent his neck, dangerously closing the space between them. Iruka resisted the urge to back down when Kakashi's only exposed eye slid down at his lips.
“Yes, I would like to,” he uttered, looking up again to his eyes.
“Fine! If you could guess who will ambush us, you win.”
“Okay,” he said. “What do you want if you win?”
“I want you to sign Naruto in your summons contract,“ he said, and couldn't stifle the cheeky grin seeing Kakashi’s badly concealed surprise. The dog summons was nothing to scoff at. There were people who would kill for such a privilege.
“Oi, boss,” one of the dogs whined, but Kakashi was busy smiling back. His mask wrinkled with his grin.
“Okay.” He nodded. Iruka’s grin spread wider. “But if I win, you will go on a date with me.”
Iruka's jaw dropped in shock.
“W-what?” he sputtered, while the ninken howled with glee.
Kakashi flashed another eye smile. Oh, how Iruka despised him when he did that; he had the urge to smack the elated look off of his face.
“Scared, Sensei?”
Blares went off in Iruka’s mind.
That's a trap! He thought and looked down at the dogs. They were wagging their tails and lolled their tongues. They were enjoying this conversation too much. He looked back to Kakashi, who was just as eager as his dogs.
Iruka scowled. There was no way to back out without losing face.
“No,” he hissed through his teeth. “I’m game.”
If the worst happens, he will suffer through a date with the king of luck, but if he wins, he… wait a minute. Wasn’t Iruka just smarting about how much of a lucky bastard Hatake is? And he just took a bet from him? He initiated it even.
“Hahaha,” Kakashi threw back his head and laughed. ”I will come up with something nice for our first date, then,” and stepped away from Iruka to continue his walk.
“I agreed to only one,” huffed Iruka.
“You will like it so much, you will ask me out next time.”
“You wish,” he protested in vain.
The confidence of this man…
Iruka will make him eat his words, he swore.
“Hiruzen will send my Kohai, and my old team to try and change my mind peacefully, and he will send two other teams to apply force if necessary. Ah, and Gai somehow will come along, I'm sure of it,” and he walked away.
Iruka put his fists on his hips.
There was a slight press at his calf, and when he looked down, Biskit looked up at him.
“You know you will lose this bet, right?” she asked, and tilted her head to the side.”Right?”
Iruka’s agitation rose.
They will see.
***
I ö am going to lose the bet, Iruka thought as he poked the ambers with his stick, and drew light animals on the night sky with the smoldering tip. Kakashi read an orange book, laying on his side, picking his ear with his pinky.
They relaxed next to the campfire, their bellies were full of delicious rabbit stew, and listened to the crickets’ concert. The night was sweltering, and charged with energy from the rainstorm that slowly rolled down from the nearby mountain. It felt cozy and almost intimate.
Except maybe for the whole ANBU division on the nearby tree crowns. The forest around them was packed with battle-ready shinobi. They were quietly surrounded and watched.
It rose the hairs on Iruka’s neck.
It was most important, and he couldn't stress enough for the boys, how calm they have to be. Their mission was completely legal, their presence was legit, and with Naruto as a customer, they had to enforce this mission’s success. The ANBU probably came with a simple hostage collecting mission, with an additional arrest command on him and Kakashi. Iruka, despite his nervousness, couldn't wait for the ANBU to realize they have to walk back empty-handed.
“Now, draw a hippo,” Naruto squealed, and laughed as Iruka delivered a fat hippo with a big butt. Naruto's eyes shone with innocent joy. Iruka felt regret when the ANBU picked that moment to finally engage.
The ANBU captain chose to casually walk to their campfire and stand before them. Iruka instantly started guessing who was under the ceramic mask. The ANBU was a male, roughly the same age as him, had brown hair and a catlike Anbu mask. Naruto scowled at the intruder, while Kakashi pretended to still read his book.
The man politely greeted them.
“Good eveni…”
“DYNAMIC ENTRY”
Iruka had to grab Naruto before he face plant right into the ambers from the headwind of a green-suited man who jumped right into the clearing, unceremoniously grabbed Kakashi’s vest, and began to shake the man. The ANBU took a step back, while Iruka and Naruto watched with jaws hanging, as Kakashi’s limbs flew around like he was nothing but a ragdoll. The most disturbing thing about the whole scene was that Kakashi let it happen. He even looked long-suffering.
“WHAT THE HELL, RIVAL?” boomed the man, raising Kakashi to his face, but as soon as Kakashi opened his mouth he started shaking again. They couldn’t hear his moan from the sheer volume that man used.”WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?”
The ANBU stepped over and placed a hand on the man’s shoulder. His tone radiated authority. “Maito Gai, step away and…”
But Gai grabbed his hand and yeeted the ANBU to the farthest side of the clearing. The ANBU landed on his feet and grabbed his tanto.
“Step back Cat-san, you have done a stellar job,” he flashed a thumbs up for the man, ”but I will handle this. I ought to shake out the stupid from my eternal rival, and we can return to Konoha.” He turned back to Kakashi and bored into his eyes. Kakashi visibly shallowed. “It will take no time, I assure you. It will be done in under five minutes or as soon as we get back, I will run 500 laps around Konoha. No, 1000!”
And he began to shake him with vigor.
For Iruka’s distress, Naruto chose this moment to jump up and slap the man on his nose with Iruka’s poking stick.
“Leave him alone, you Cabbage!”
Iruka would have been screaming or tearing his hair by strands in terror but instead, he grabbed the little brat's shirt and yanked him back. Maito Gai dropped his rival, grabbed his nose, and blinked, thunderstruck. There were unshed tear drops in the corners of his eyes. “Are you insane? Naruto, that's a jounin!” He screamed right into the kid's ear, who shielded them with his hands and looked up at him affronted.
“But he was bullying him,” he screamed back and jutted out his chin defiantly.
Kakashi stayed on the ground where he was dropped, rolled on his side, and fished his book back from where it landed after Gai’s entrance.
Iruka whined, exasperated, but grabbed Naruto's shoulders, and forcibly bent them forward to bow before Gai.
“I can't express how sorry I am, Maito-sama, let me make it up to you,” Iruka pleaded, while he tried to overpower the tussling Naruto. “Come on, say sorry Naruto,” he force whispered to the kid.
“No,” the kid struggled until with a violent lurch he could twist himself out of Iruka’s hold and half stepped on Kakashi’s laying form - who just turned a page in his book- and pointed at the injured man. “I will feed you to snails, Cabbage-san, if you lay one more finger on Kaka-san!”
“Everyone, step down…” began the ANBU, but he got cut off by Gai.
“CABBAGE?” he cried affronted, still nursing his nose.
Kakashi huffed, amused under his mask.
Iruka wished he could step on him too.
Hard.
“Naruto, apologize in this instant, he is your superior!” said Iruka, and tried to politely ignore the ANBU’s miserable “I'm everyone’s superior here, yet…”
“I'm not a ninja, I'm a customer,” and he hit his chest with his fist.
Iruka's eyebrow twitched, and silently cussed out all of the deities who blessed Naruto with his boldness.
“But he will be when you graduate.”
Naruto turned his head away with a defiant ‘Hmp”.
"Oi, oi, Naruto," Kakashi pushed himself up from the gound, and passed a kunai to the kid. "A true ninja wont play with sticks. They play with kunai!" and pointed at Gai. "Now get him."
It wasn't the first time that Iruka had to confiscate a sharp object from Naruto. But it was definitely his personal best in time. There will be no stabbing on his watch.
"I'm so sorry, Maito-san!"
“Never mind. Rival! Explain yourself!” Gai boomed again, a little nasally. His tears evaporated, but when he let down his hand, everyone could see the angry red line, Naruto left behind. Iruka didn't have to see Naruto’s face to know the devious little brat grinned like a fox.
Now he was getting desperate to get a grip on the conversation, but Kakashi had a different thing in mind.
“Let me finish this chapter,” he drawled and turned another page.
Iruka will throttle him if he leads them into prison.
“Oh! So cool!” Gai stepped back and grabbed his vest above his heart.
The ANBU apparently had enough. He twitched his head, and instantly, the clearing got swarmed with ANBU. Weapons drawn, they stood in eerie stillness, too close for comfort.
Kakashi exhaled longsuffering, rolled his eyes, and looked up at the ANBU captain.
”Yare, yare.”
“Hatake Kakashi,” the ANBU stepped closer and unrolled a red scroll in his hand. ”You are under investigation for kidnapping a minor with the aid of one Umino Iruka. Stop resisting, and your compliance will be taken into account in your trial.”
Kakashi looked like he was ready to nod off in boredom.
“Maa,” he raised his right hand. Their wedding band glinted in the firelight. ”But my name is Umino Kakashi, Cat-kun.”
Surprise rippled through all the Anbu. Gai jumped back and froze in a dramatic pose, while the ANBU captain awkwardly let his hand drop with the mission scroll. Iruka slapped his face in annoyance. That wasn't the plan. They should have been found out on their own, given Iruka created a lot of loopholes, just to mess around with their names.
“And I have a permit,” Kakashi said and lifted the book to continue reading.
There was a moment of stillness.
“You got MARRIED,” shouted Gai, when at the same time the ANBU captain asked. ”What permit?”
Kakashi glanced at Iruka, and if that wasn't a call for help, then nothing was. He stepped closer to the captain to attract his attention, then raised his hand to wave, while he ignored Gai’s, “HOW COULD YOU? WITHOUT ME?”
“Ah, there must be something of a misunderstanding here,” and pulled out a batch of official papers he prepared for the first contact with Konoha and handed them to the ANBU. ”We are on a mission commissioned by one of the village orphans, to seek out his legal guardian. You can see, here, here aaand here…”
“I wanted to be your best man!”
“… that it is a completely legal leave, as every minor in Konoha is entitled by law to seek out protection and care from their kin.”
“Yes, but his case is different,” the ANBU said, but his tone trailed off uncertainly.
Iruka was ready to weep in relief. It looked like this Anbu captain was unfamiliar with Konoha law, which was good.
“Different by what? His person isn't listed under any restriction, clan law, or carry any kekkei genkai which would limit his moving in Fire’s border. He is a natural person in the face of the law, so he can commission missions through the mission desk.”
“Maybe by law, but he is in the possession of something with great value…”
Iruka raised his hand again “Sorry to cut in, but that information is classified. Further discussion would land you in court for exposing confidential information. ”The ANBU flinched back and looked at one of the other ANBU for support, but he didn't get any. ”But as you can see, we are operating under the ‘A’ mission level. He has a jounin and a chuunin companion. Our experience exceeded the parameters of the mission's requirements. And…” he handed out the next batch of papers. ”His condition isn't listed anywhere.“ the ANBU took the papers hesitantly but didn't take his eyes off Iruka. ”Your mission is invalid. It's only a communication error between departments,” and Iruka smiled at the ANBU, which ought to be somewhat fake, given the ANBU’s gaze at him, then looked at the other ANBU again.
“Weasel?”
The other slightly nodded, but otherwise kept himself still.
The ANBU captain looked around, assessing the scene. Iruka maintained his fake smile, Naruto eyed the weeping Gai like a predator, and Kakashi read his book. The ANBU put one of his hands on his hip and whiffed the air before Iruka with his papers.
“You know what? I think you aren't really married,” his tone was accusative. He clearly changed the topic, so he could arrest them for other misdemeanors. “Fraud is punishable by law, Umino-san,” he said as if he already caught him lying.
But hah. He had no proof. Iruka was confident that this is not the thing they would slip on until Kakashi opened his big mouth.
“We are in love, Cat-kun,” he said behind the book.
That caused a reaction. Gai stopped his brawling, Cat straightened, like a predator who smelled blood, while the rest of the ANBU exchanged meaningful glances behind their masks.
Iruka whipped his head to look at him, so fast that he saw spots.
Oh no.
Iruka felt a sweatdrop roll down his spine.
“Really?” asked Cat, but his tone was goading.
“Yes, we make love all the time,” he said, and let the book cover his lower face while he looked up to Iruka.
“NO WE DON’T,” Iruka howled, and grabbed Naruto’s head to plug his ears.”And I swear to God, if you just hint one more word about that in the presence of Naruto, I will widow myself,“ he hissed through his teeth while he tried to contain the struggling boy.
“Let me go.”
Kakashi gifted him with a fake eye smile. “You love me too much.”
Iruka took a deep breath to scream in his face that Kakashi can go to hell, but then, he remembered their audience.
“Shut up,” he hissed, and let go of the kid, who looked up to him disheveled.
“I know what that means,” Naruto said to him, but Iruka really really hoped he didn't.
“Hmmm, I don't know ANBU-san,” mumbled Gai, and he leaned down to examine his rival closer. “I don't think my esteemed rival would lower himself to lying, but…”
“How did you meet?” came the sinister voice from the Weasel masked ANBU. His eyes glowing red. An Uchiha.
Iruka didn't expect an interrogation about their love life. He thought about everything else but this somehow surprised him. He felt sweat gather at his temple and slowly descend downward.
The temperature got more and more unbearable, as the cold storm pushed the heat. A rumble of thunder shook the mountains and echoed down into the valley.
“Yes, how did you two meet, senpai?” asked the ANBU captain, eager to catch him on a lie.
Iruka screamed internally. Of course, Kakashi's close friends are out for his blood. Maybe Kakashi only had frenemies. Why isn't he surprised?
“We met at the Sakura festival. It was dark, I walked into a deserted ally when I heard a call for help. I ran toward the scream and there he was, struggling against three brutes, who wanted to grope him. I knocked them out, then escorted Iruka back to the festival. We ate, we danced under the moon, we watched the fireworks go off, but before I could kiss him, the rain started to pour down, and we had to run to his apartment. Then we reached for the handle at the same time. We deeply gazed into each other's eyes, and then Iruka asked me to come in as a reward for saving him…”
“I did NOT!” Iruka screamed, and frantically looked at the strangers -who could believe this absolute crap of a lie?- while he tried to plug Naruto’s ears again, but failed greatly. ”I swear it didn't happen like that!”
“Hmm. Cat-san I have a suspicion that my rival is not telling the absolute truth to us,” said Gai stroking his chin while he wondered.
“It was true,” insisted Kakashi, nodding.” The most romantic night of my life. When we spent ourselves after several long, long, long hours of great passion, I knew he was the one for me.”
“Hm,” hummed the Cat ANBU gleefully. ”I see.”
“We aren't!” screamed Iruka indignantly. He pointed an accusing finger at the lying liar, who lied, and poured out his heart. ”He sicked his dogs on me and chased me through the Konoha garden because he tried to scare me away from Naruto!”
“Rival!” Gai looked at Kakashi scandalized, who just shrugged and looked up at Iruka.
“But you guys have to wait for me to tell you how I asked him to marry me…”
“No!” Iruka grabbed his hair, and yanked it in stress. ”It was me,” he frantically looked around, and pointed at himself, ”I asked him to marry me, and it wasn’t anything special, we were just in my bedroom, and…” the actual gall of this man. ”Stop winking or I stomp you, I swear to god. Who the hell can wink with only one eye?”
Kakashi, damn him, chuckled under his breath. Iruka felt a headache blooming behind his eyeballs. But it was nothing compared to what he had to endure next.
“You know what? I don't believe you, Senpai,” said the Cat ANBU then, crossing his arms on his chest.
Iruka felt the blood leaving his face, but Kakashi laughed out loud and sat up.
“Okay, then!” Happy light glinted in his exposed eye. ”We married only to kidnap the kid and ditch repercussions,” and extended his hands to the ANBU, wrists close, so he could handcuff him easier. Gai bit his mouth and blinked at the scene with owl eyes. ”Arrest me, come on. You came this far to mess up my honeymoon anyway.”
The ANBU silently stood, and watched his hands, until Kakashi slowly raised his eyebrow. When the silence dragged on for too long, Kakashi dropped his hands and began to goad the ANBU. “Now, what? You don't wanna?”
The ANBU exhaled forcibly and turned away. ”I can't believe you got married without us,” and turned to the other ANBU, shaking his head. ”Stand down.”
“Yes!” Gai piped in.
And just like that, the charged tension cleared from the air, like a switch turned off. The ANBU lost their rigid stance and started fluttering around. Some of them came closer, giving them good wishes for their union.
“You would just make it awkward,” Kakashi whined, and extended his hands to point around. ”Like right now. Normal people usually give congratulations on this occasion, you know?”
The ANBU captain pointed a finger at him. ”We would have if you invite us to the actual thing.”
Kakashi shrugged nonchalantly, looked up to the sky, and wondered loudly. “Maybe I should have. I still kind of regret I didn't have a stag night.”
“Yoooosh!” Boomed Gai and stars flared up around him. ”We should go and have it now!”
“Absolutely not!” protested Iruka, but his relief was palatable. “He is a married man now, that ship is sunk.
“What is a stag night?”Asked Naruto, looking up at him with big bright eyes.
“Don't mind it, Naruto…” Iruka tried to evade the answer, but Gai thought otherwise.
“Oh, the springtime of youth, always seeking the answers of the great wide world, I will extinguish your burning thirst for knowledge.”
“No, you won't,” and Iruka tried to shepherd Naruto away from the attention, which got rewarded by Naruto struggling and finally biting him.
He tried to not hear the ANBU squads snickering. One of the female ANBU commented that he was such a good match for their Sempai.
Which was just nice. He married the most eccentric man, with peers as bad as him.
Iruka would like to say he acted like a rational person, when he whipped out his travel tent and hid in it.
***
Iruka tucked in the sleeping Naruto and exhaled freely for the first time that night. He just sat and watched the boy dozing peacefully, and listened to the rain hitting their tent. The lurking rain finally reached them, bringing cold and fresh rain, breaking the never-ending suffocating heat. The summer was at the end, he could smell it in the air. The ANBU were clattering around outside, speaking in a hushed voice, making their own routine before bed. Iruka made a point of retiring to the tent, so their companions could take down their masks and have dinner peacefully. He began getting kind of used to not looking while they were eating, giving Kakashi space to eat.
It was weird. But it was Kakashi, so he didn't know what he expected in the first place. The man flirted, pulled his pigtails, but kept his distance, and never showed his face. Even Naruto wasn't privy to it.
It made him curious.
What could he be hiding under that mask? Did he have a scar? Was it an old wound from torture so vile, that he preferred people not looking?
Would he keep it up even for a lover?
Iruka wondered, how would that even work. Kissing was out of the question, that's for sure, even foreplay was limited without his mouth. Or is he the type who would only receive, but wouldn't give?
Iruka hummed lowly. That just wasn't done in a healthy relationship.
But looking back to the conversation that night, what could these people know about traditional relationships? They ate up their miserable act like it was an actual marriage.
“So weird,” whispered Iruka to himself, then looked at the tent zipper as Kakashi opened it and scooted into the limited space.
Iruka scowled as he pushed himself closer to him, soaking him with rain.
“What is weird?” he asked and smiled at him when he sat on his legs. At least Iruka thought he was smiling. Lately, he got better at reading his expressions, despite his mask.
“Where should I start?” he asked back, deciding he won't push the matter. Kakashi had the right to be weird.
However, he hoped Naruto wouldn't pick up that from him.
“It warms my heart, you are thinking about me before sleep.”
Again, this awkward flirting. Iruka rolled his eyes as Kakashi wriggled his eyebrow at him. He felt too tired and achy to deal with that now.
“What’s up outside?”
Iruka decided on ignoring the banter. He was ready to hit the sack.
“We have a change of plans,” said Kakashi, the playful glint leaving his eye, which made Iruka more alert.
“What happened?” he asked, anxiety rising again. He was glad they jumped the first obstacle with more or less success, but there was always a chance that something would go pear-shaped.
“I will make Cat leave one of the ANBU with us,” whispered Kakashi, and leaned closer.
Iruka was sure they were being watched right now. He had an inkling one of the ANBU was an Aburame, given all the insects suddenly disappeared when the ANBU delegation arrived. If someone wasn't paying attention and didn't notice the eerie silence the chirping crickets left behind, the kakuchu could gather information unnoticed. That was a big risk already, but intentionally keeping around ANBU was too much.
Iruka prepared a lot of papers to avoid this particular happening.
“Who? And why?” he asked, frustrated. Kakashi was ready to go missing-nin before, then why would he compromise their mission?
“It's Weasel.”
“The one who asked how we met?” Demanded Iruka. It bothered him that Kakashi would keep the one who was onto them and had the right mind to ask sensitive questions. He has known all the Uchihas who were on active duty, some of them in person. There weren't too many Uchiha who were strong enough to join ANBU and were young enough to match Weasel. There were precisely two. Shishui of the body flicker and the prodigy of the mainline, Uchiha Itachi. “He is Uchiha Itachi, you know, right?” he looked deeply into Kakashi's eye, seeking answers.
Kakashi's eyebrow jumped up, then his eye darkened. ”That is classified. How do you know this information?”
Iruka gave him an unimpressed look. ”What do you take me for?” Iruka asked, but Kakashi was insistent.
“We have to know if there is an information leak in ANBU, Iruka. Black ops are nameless for a reason. Especially high-ranked ANBU, like him”
“I am aware of that,” Iruka was deeply unimpressed. ”There is no information leak that I know of, but it was a mistake to place me as an instructor and a reviser of the active roster. I hand out missions, and paychecks, Kakashi-san, and the kids never shut up about their families. I can identify every ANBU if I really try.”
Kakashi was silent for a minute. Looking at nothing in particular, thinking.
Iruka leaned back on his elbows and stretched his neck. His head throbbed, and he was so ready to lay down and sleep.
“He has to stay because something is off with him,” said Kakashi when he finished his thinking. He looked oddly troubled. Or maybe it was just the change compared to his easy going self. ”We have known each other for a long time now. It's something big.”
Iruka sighed, and let his elbow slide out of him. He laid back on his thin bedding and looked up at his husband resigned.
“You overthrow our plans…”
“Hai, hai,” he agreed and kept silent for a long time.
The rain still drummed on the tent, and there were hushed conversations in the distance. Laying down, Iruka felt his headache slowly improving. Kakashi watched Naruto's chest rise and sink with half-lidded eyes. It was peaceful for a moment, until…
“It just occurred to me. I won our bet,” Iruka groaned like an old door. ”It must sting your pride. Do you want me to make it up to you?” He asked the naughty glint back in his eye.
The headache was back, and it came with reinforcement.
Great.
“Out,” Iruka growled and sat up.
Kakashi raised his hands before him, to placate him, but he made a mistake when he opened his mouth again. “I know how we can both relax after such a stressful day.” and his tone curled up, like the pervert he is.
“Out,” Iruka repeated and grabbed his forearm to push him out into the rain.
Kakashi went, despite still babbling in the entrance of the tent.
“You didn't even know what I was suggesting.”
“Out.” And pushed Kakashi fully out.
“I was thinking about a back massage.” Kakashi fished out something from his pocket. ”I even bought lube… I mean oil.”
Iruka sent him a withering look and promptly zipped the mouth of the tent closed.
“Is that a no?” he heard from the outside and wished to stop cringing as he heard the loud cackling and goading his husband received. The whistling was just an extra.
He laid down and dragged his sleeping bag over his head.
Iruka scooted closer to Naruto and cuddled to him, then swore revenge, and finally slept.
***
There was something wrong with the ANBU indeed, Iruka bitterly noted.
The next day, when they woke up, the ANBU delegation was already on their way back to Konoha, so he found only Kakashi and Weasel at the campfire, making eggs and coffee.
"Anata," Kakashi greeted him with an eye smile and a cup of steaming coffee.
"Uh," groaned Iruka, a little wrongfooted, while he congratulated himself on his elegant response. It seemed they had to pretend they were in love and on their actual honeymoon.
Iruka felt his face heating as he sat down next to Kakashi and scooped eggs on a plate for Naruto. He felt the ANBU’s eyes burn holes in his skin.
"I don't want eggs, let's eat ramen," cried Naruto, and threw up his fists heatedly.
"No, Naruto you have to eat something more filling, or you will stay a midget" he quarreled, still feeling awkward. “I would love to eat ramen for every meal, but we can't, alright?”
“Ugh,” came the disgusted answer.
And the day went on.
The ANBU's close scrutiny stayed on him while they visited several towns down the coast.
While Kakashi went to check on the clubs and casinos, Iruka, Naruto, and Weasel stayed at the outskirts of the cities, keeping watch, then when Kakashi came back empty-handed, they gathered their stuff and went on their way.
The staring got on Iruka’s nerves so much that he did everything to take his mind off it. It didn't help that Kakashi watched the ANBU the same way.
It was a blessing that Naruto didn't notice any of the tension between them. Which led him to begin teaching the kid his first basic jutsu three days later.
Iruka was a big fan of pairing business and pleasure.
"Oy, Naruto," he called the kid, who entertained himself by flapping the ears of the snoozing Bull. "Do you want me to teach you your first jutsu?" and like a spell, he had the boy's full attention. Iruka couldn't suppress a smile.
"YES! What will you teach me?" the kid squealed and jumped on his neck. "The Kawarimi jutsu? Or a Fireball? Teach me the Fireball, please! The bastard can already spit fireballs, and he is so cocky, I can't stand it. I want to burn down his eyebrows when we go back.”
Iruka chuckled good-naturedly despite how he shouldn't cater to that rivalry the boys had.
“I can't teach you Uchiha style jutsu,” he said and snickered seeing the affronted look on Naruto’s face.
“Why not?” he demanded, almost whining. ”Give me at least one good reason, Sensei. I could do everything the Teme could do.”
“Eyy, Naruto,” he rebuked the kid and gently pushed him away to look into his eyes. ”I give you three,” and he started to count on his fingers as Naruto crossed his hands on his chest. He was painfully aware of the attention Weasel gave him from the nearby tree. He did his best to close out the itchy feeling that a watching pair of eyes caused on his skin. He bet the ANBU found his brother's rivalry fascinating. ”One, that's clan jutsu, you baka. Outsiders aren't privy to clan secrets, and stealing them causes more trouble than gain.” Naruto huffed through his nose and jutted out his lower lip. ”Two, you need to have the same type of chakra nature. Sasuke has fire, with a very strong lightning overlay. What do you have?” he asked and watched fondly as Naruto lost his bratty stance, and looked at him a little lost.
“I don't know?”
“Are you saying, or asking?” he goaded the little kid.
“I'm saying…” said Naruto looking down a little embarrassed, but Iruka wasn't trying to turn down his spirit when he finally wanted to start his private tutoring.
“We can determine it later, don't be afraid,” he said and when Naruto looked up at him with hopeful eyes, he felt warmth in his chest. ”Lastly, you can't mold chakra in your body yet. We will start with that.”
“Yosh, dattebayo! I will mold my chakra so well, you will be amazed Iruka-sensei,” and jumped up ready to dive into learning.
“That's the spirit. You will have to learn chakra control well because you have much bigger chakra reverses than your peers.”
“I have even more than Sasuke?” he asked eagerly.
“Yes. But don't be cocky over it. If you can't control it, you will be unable to perform even the simplest jutsu.”
“I will be so much better than him. I know it.”
Iruka sighed and shook his head. Naruto is about to receive a rough awakening.
“Learning chakra control is the hardest and longest process for a shinobi, Naruto. The best of the best are always learning and practicing. You can’t simply be good at it.”
“Ah, come on sensei, don't be a killjoy. Show me my first jutsu,” he leaned closer and grinned like the devil.
“Watch.” Iruka plucked a leaf from a nearby tree and raised it to his forehead. ”You have to stick a leaf to your forehead,” he said, and when he let his hand fall down, the leaf stayed in the middle of his forehead.
Naruto scrunched up his face and looked at him like he was mental.
“That's it?” he asked heatedly, squinting his eyes. “This is such a bullshit jutsu, Sensei. Give me a real one,” he demanded, which started to annoy Iruka. Of course, the kid thought he was ready for some advanced jutsu.
He would be a hazard to society.
But every confident pre-genin was, anyway. They were kids running with sharp knives.
“Shut up, ahoo. Don't give me that face until you try. It's actually a really good exercise. This is the biggest of the five cranial chakra pathways, so you could easily overload or underestimate the flow. Do you think you can do it on the first try?”
“I bet I can do it! I bet!”
Iruka snorted. There were actual flames dancing in the kid’s eyes.
“I'm in. And what will be my prize if I win?” he asked, a little bit smug.
Naruto jumped excitedly and took Iruka’s leaf.
Long story, short, Naruto had to eat all his vegetables for a week, without complaining.
Iruka was guiding him through the basics after his failed attempts when a feeling of something odd suddenly occurred to him.
The air pressure changed like it gathered in on itself. Bull, the only ninken Kakashi left behind, jumped up and looked around.
He was almost too late, throwing up his shield.
Three provisionally thrown shuriken crashed to the glowing wall, right next to Naruto’s back. The impact shook the see-through barrier, making a chiming sound. They would have punctured the kid’s lungs through his back.
Iruka dashed to whip out his advanced shields with six walls, when a ninja with a gigantic battle fan landed next to them, and spit senbon in their direction.
Iruka grabbed Naruto to shield him with his body and closed his eyes waiting for the impact, but it never came. He looked up, to see the ninja crumbling down to the earth and Weasel pulling out senbons from his palm. A few steps away, Bull mauled a struggling man on the ground.
“Hn” was the only comment Weasel made before he staggered.
Iruka jumped up and pushed him down into a sitting position, half of his eye still watching their surroundings. It was a damn embarrassment, they were so engrossed with their inner conflict they let enemy nin creep in on them.
”Naruto help, ANBU-san sit down.”
Naruto looked at him with wide eyes, panicking, but jumped up to help when Iruka yelled at him: ”Now!”
“Help him sit upright, don't let him lie down.”
When the boy grabbed the teenager's shoulders to keep him steady, Iruka got his fuuinjutsu scroll and unsealed it. He always carried stasis seals, just to be sure. When he found them, he kneeled down next to the boys and wrapped one on the ANBU’s wrist, and forearm. In his haste to reach under the ANBU’s armor and shirt, he almost dislodged Naruto, who looked overwhelmed, keeping the ANBU in a sitting position. Iruka swore to praise him later for his help, as he stuck a stasis seal on the ANBU’s heart. The ANBU has chosen this minute to crumble. Naruto whined in distress as the full weight of the larger boy pressed on him.
Iruka raised his hand to bite his finger and activate the seals.
“Done,” came a deep voice behind him.
Iruka jumped in fright, but when he looked back, only Bull stood there. His muzzle shone with sticky, thick blood. Iruka spared a fleeting glance at the unmoving figure in the grass.
“Bull, please keep watch, while I test his blood for what kind of poison he got.”
The big dog grumbled and stood guard.
Iruka wrenched out the blood kit he brought. He was grateful he was such an overachiever, and packed a poison kit, despite it not being part of the standard mission equipment. He grabbed the discarded senbon and took a sample and ran the test for the most common Sand poisons.
“What are you doing?” asked Naruto wide-eyed, stuck in a position under the ANBU.
The teen started to sweat and took labored breaths. From this close, he saw his sharingan frantically turn off and on. Which was bad. The stasis seals slowed the poison, but it had to be a potent one.
“I’m trying to determine what kind of poison was on the senbon,” he said and shook the kit, to speed up the process, before Weasel went into a cardiac arrest, or worse.
“Can you heal him?”
Iruka glanced up. Naruto looked like he was in great distress, which was understandable.
“I’ll try,” he said and watched the sample finally turn opaque. Good news. ”Congratulations, Weasel-san. This isn't the day of your death,” and reached for the antidote. When the syringe punctuated the ANBU’s vein, he looked up at Naruto. ”You can let him lay down now,” and he took off the stasis seals, letting the blood flow freely and the antidote do its magic.
Naruto scooted out from under the ANBU and lowered his head gently to the ground.
“Will he survive?” he asked, and sniffled into his jumper, swiping his tears.
“Yes, he will,” Iruka sighed. “But he won't be up, and running for a couple of days,” he looked at their attackers. They were indeed Suna nin. Iruka felt the impending headache coming. “Naruto, promise me something. When you meet Suna nin, it doesn't matter how strong you are, you will do everything in your power to dodge their weapons.”
He almost jumped out of his skin, when a new voice came from his left.
“Yeah, they are great puppeteers and good at wind and earth jutsu, but their expertise is in poison. They are nasty,” said Kakashi, poking the fallen nin with his sandal. Nindogs wagged their tails, sniffing the earth around, and licking Bull's muzzle. Which wasn't disturbing, at all.
Iruka sagged in relief. He was truly happy that Kakashi was back.
“Kaka-san!” cried Naruto and ran to him, giving him a crushing hug.
“Yo!” greeted Kakashi, and awkwardly tapped the kid's shoulder. “Yare, yare.”
They walked closer to the ANBU, and Kakashi inspected the wound and the poison kit.
“Good job, Anata,“ he smiled at him with his mask stretching. Iruka felt the sudden rush of blood in his face. He wanted to push down the happy feeling in his belly from the honest praise. ”Look at yourself, Weasel. What did you do? It's such an amateur move to grab a senbon with bare hands,” he reprimanded the delirious teen in a mock tone. ”As your elder, I have to reprimand you. If you weren't staring holes into my beloved, you would have easily fought them off. Bad Weasel. Bad,” he tsked, and unceremoniously grabbed the teen and threw him on his shoulder, turning away from the bodies. “Let's find shelter.”
Weasel whined like a kicked puppy, while actual pups yipped and ran around. Iruka sealed the corpses away and looked after the strolling copy-nin. Naruto ran to him and grabbed his hand. Kakashi looked down at him surprised but then smiled so wide that his mask stretched again. The sun shone before them, casting long shadows after them. They looked like a family.
Iruka's heart went a painfully sweet ‘DUN’.
Oh, no.
***
They sought shelter in a shallow cave, not far away from the sea, where they could hear the seagulls screeching, and the waves crashing into the cliffs. The air was crisp and smelled like sea salt mixed with smoke from their campfire.
The dogs snoozed on Iruka’s laid-out sleeping bag, and somewhere under the dogs, Naruto slumbered, too tired from the attack.
Iruka decided to cook a light soup for them.
Weasel was out like a light for a couple of hours, but around nine, he started to drift into consciousness. They were lucky, the sand-nin used a fatal, but easily neutralizable poison. When the soup was done, he planned to give some to the sick boy, but Kakashi took his portion and unceremoniously sat down next to Weasel’s sickbed, and knocked on the ceramic mask.
“Wakey, wakey,” the man singsonged, and when Weasel groaned and turned on his side Kakashi huffed, pretending to be annoyed. ”So rude. I brought you sustenance. It’s even made by love. My love, however, so keep in your praise, before I get jealous.”
Iruka rolled his eyes and sat with his back to them, giving them privacy.
After the first bite, Weasel groaned miserably, the poison probably left him aching all over.
“No moaning either,” tutted Kakashi, and gave him another spoonful. “It's inappropriate, Weasel-kun,” he rebuked him.
“Must you?” groaned Weasel raspy, clearly experiencing agony, despite the painkillers Iruka injected in him.
“I will not tolerate teenagers flirting with my husband.”
Iruka couldn't stifle a smile. Kakashi’s goofy banter was kind of funny when Iruka wasn't the focus of it. Weasel took a deep breath, but otherwise didn't react to the teasing. They ate in relative silence, then Iruka collected the dirty dishes, and with a tiny suiton washed them outside of the cave.
He came back just in time, to see Kakashi whipping out his orange book, with exaggerated fashion, and began flipping pages.
Weasel slowly turned his face to Kakashi, still looking kind of delirious, then his whole body tensed.
“Oh, no,” he breathed horrified.
Iruka raised his eyebrows intrigued.
“Where were we, Weasel-kun?” asked Kakashi, delighted.
“I don't remember,” came the curt answer, But Kakashi wasn't so easy to shrug off.
“Eh, then we ought to start over,” he said, and flipped the book to the first page.
“Please, no.”
Now, Iruka was really surprised. He hadn't pegged Uchiha Itachi as the type who would beg so easily, and especially not for skipping a book. He was wondering what kind of book the orange booklet was and toyed with the thought of asking Kakashi to lend it to him for a night, but he always shied away from that. It looked like an action slash romance novel.
What was so bad about it that the ANBU was so against it?
“Don't be like this. It's top-quality entertainment,” he stated and knocked on the book, to drive home his point.
“No, it's not,” retorted the ANBU, and was about to sit up, but Kakashi unceremoniously put his leg on him. ”Uf.”
“Now that we are ready, I’ll begin,” said Kakashi, and the ANBU let his head drop down the bedding, defeated. Iruka was looking forward to listening to the book. It would be a nice change of pace. They were stuck here until Weasel got better, they would make the most of it from a bad situation.
“My journey of love, as you will see, wasn't the typical kind. When I was young and innocent, I was dreaming about fleeting glances, stolen touches, and affection which would grow gradually as we slowly courted each other. My love would be a virgin, of course, the purest flower in the garden. We would wait for our love to bloom until our wedding night. Everything nice and proper, like in a romantic novel.”
Iruka laid back down, and let himself be relaxed by Kakashi's voice. He had such a deep comforting tone, while it was still charged with mischief. Iruka felt a bit of embarrassment about how much he felt about such an innocent thing, listening to a book reading out loud.
“But it was nothing like that. I was on a mission, gathering intelligence, and where could I go collecting intel, if not to the fanciest brothel in town?”
Iruka raised his eyebrow. He wasn't expecting this kind of turn at the very first page of the story.
”When I saw her, I instantly knew I had to lay my hands on her. Squishing her alabaster white thighs and slowly stroking my calloused hands up under her mini skirt, reaching…”
“EXCUSE ME!” shrieked Iruka, mindful with his volume to not wake up Naruto and pushed himself up to see them better.
“What?” asked Kakashi, pretending innocence. Both he and Weasel looked at him expectantly, but Weasel's body language radiated hope.
“Are you reading porn, to a 13-year-old?” he asked with the promise of trouble in his tone if Kakashi’s response wasn't on the line of ‘of course not’.
“It is the best romance novel ever written,” Kakashi tapped the book cover. “I would have skipped the spiciest bits…”
Iruka's jaw dropped.
“You read porn in public!” he wailed, and hid his face in his hands, then stroked them up into his hair to yank it a little. “I married a pervert.” It's even worse; everyone else knows he married a pervert. The ANBU squad definitely knew what kind of book was Kakashi’s favorite.
Weasel turned his head to look at Kakashi and then him in quick succession.
“It isn't just porn, it's the greatest love story of our generation,” Kakashi said, offended, hugging his book, turning it away from Iruka, like he is shielding it from Iruka’s harsh words. “In fact, it was written by Naruto’s godfather.”
Iruka janked on his hair. Hard.
“We are after an even bigger pervert,” he breathed and felt his soul leaving his body.
He couldn't think properly from the sirens blaring in his mind, blasting ‘ABSOLUTELY NOT’ in repeat.
“He isn't a pervert, he is an artist,” said Kakashi, offended, wrinkling his eyebrow.
“What kind of artist writes porn?” huffed Iruka, and pointed a finger at his husband. ”And what kind of man read it to a 13-year-old?”
“Now, don't be a prude,” Kakashi scoffed at him and rolled his eye.
Which was a mistake.
In no time Iruka was richer with an absolute filth of a book, and Kakashi sulked at the mouth of the cave, nursing his ear, which Iruka maybe yanked too sharply when he confiscated the offending piece of literature. Iruka still seethed, when he noticed Weasel returned to his favorite pastime, aka watching him closely.
Even his sharingan was out.
“Put those away” he grumbled, promptly turned his back to the ANBU, and ignored the deep sigh behind him.
It would be nice to turn in without an aneurism once in a while, he thought before sleep dragged him under.
***
Iruka awoke with a start.
He could never sleep deeply on a mission, always too aware of his surroundings, and when Weasel gagged dry and coughed, he was awake in an instant.
He scowled, feeling the novel had disappeared from his pocket. It doesn't matter, he will confiscate it again, if it's necessary.
The fire died out, only the embers glowed, and the night lamp they left on to see if something unexpected happened. At the entrance of the cave, Bull and Akino raised their heads, to watch Iruka stand up and walk at the side of the ANBU.
Their owner must be on patrol.
“It's still burning your lungs, huh?” he asked, a little bit dopy, but he measured out some medicine in a syringe, and injected it into the ANBU limp arm. “There. It should help some, but it will have to clear up on its own, I'm afraid,” he said and began to rise and go back to his own bed, but Weasel grabbed his wrist.
“Wait,” he rasped. The poison was heavy on his respiratory system. It tended to be worse before it got better. At least the heaviness eased it seemed.
“Do you need anything, Weasel-san?” he tried to be encouraging. The faster he helped the injured boy, the faster he could go back to sleep. It was almost his time to stand guard.
“You missed your chance to get rid of me,” said the ANBU clinical. “Why?”
Iruka couldn't even understand the question at first, but when it sunk in, all of the sleepiness left his eyes.
“What?” he asked insulted. He would never let one of his fellow shinobi die if he can help it. The entire question offended him deeply.
“Only paperwork separates you from being a missing-nin, Iruka-san,” he said scornfully, which was a feat on its own. It must be hard to form words.
Rage flooded Iruka’s brain. He wouldn't take this insult from anybody. His loyalty to his village was immaculate. He only resisted the unethical laws their Hokage and elders erected to milk them for their own gain.
“How dare you scrutinize me, Uchiha Itachi?” he hissed through his teeth, and in his rage, he grabbed the ceramic mask and threw it far away.
That wasn't the most clever thing to do, he thought when he found himself face to face with a spinning Sharingan. Itachi’s face was roughed up, finely crisscrossed with purple veins, due to the poisoning, but the scariest thing was his expression. He looked murderous, but not in a raging, emotional way, no. He looked coldblooded.
But Iruka wasn't to be intimidated by a kid with half a leg in the grave.
“We will talk face to face, Itachi-kun. I won't let you hide behind anonymity for this conversation,” he said and leaned closer. “What offends you this much about us giving Naruto a better life?”
“It's a weak excuse, committing treason. As a shinobi, both of you failed,” he delivered cold as ice.
“Is that so?” he asked, and couldn't help his face contorting with the influx of emotion. “You are a hypocrite, Itachi-kun, given you are who you are. You barely know hardship, that is.”
Itachi's eyes bugged with anger. There. Iruka felt vindictive elation seeing he triggered emotion from the teen.
“Hardship? Do you think my life… my decisions are easy, Sensei?” he asked with force. His chest heaved with exertion.
Iruka closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It would be counterproductive if they start pointing fingers with foaming mouths. But damn, it was hard.
“All I'm saying, as a person, who has a loving family, a whole clan to fall back on, knows nothing about what it is like to be an orphan in our village,” Iruka pressed.
Itachi pushed himself up into sitting position. His arm shook so bad, that it almost buckled out from under him. Iruka grabbed his upper arm to steady him. Even in his anger, he wasn't about to watch someone struggle while he could help.
“Poor orphans,” Itachi wheezed. ”Having it so rough they turn on the hand who feeds them.”
Iruka pressed his mouth into a thin line and took a deep breath.
“You know, your father is a smart man,” he said, while Itachi sent him a distrustful look. ”But maybe he made a mistake when he let you graduate from the academy after only one year. You got influenced too early on by such ideals that are wiser to be met later when you have more experience in life. And more critique towards them. ”
Itachi's face contorted. Iruka couldn't determine if it was from the pain or the topic.
“Your point, exactly?” he rasped.
“My point is, that you should have been thinking of yourself as the Uchiha heir, who is responsible for a great number of people's happiness, not a nameless killing machine, a coin in Konoha’s purse, ready to be spent.”
“We are shinobi no mono. We must endure.”
Iruka scowled. Itachi cast his own spell on him.
He was right in a sense. Iruka still had some doubt about their actions, but things went so bad for so long in Konoha, it felt natural for more than one generation.
“Do you really know what that means, Itachi-kun?” he asked skeptically. Shinobi life was full of ideals, coding them into humility, the younger generation wouldn't even look for the motivation behind them.
“I know. We make bonds and protect them. I'm able to form those bonds, and I'm familiar with losing them,” Itachi said out of breath, vaguely gesturing to his eyes.
Right. He knows how the Uchiha developed their sharingan. As an instructor, he was privy to a lot of classified archives, regarding Konoha bloodlines, for better service as a chuunin sensei.
“Yet, you are offended we found legal means to pull out Naruto from the system,” he said sinisterly.
“Legal,” Itachi drawled, but it drowned into a coughing fit.
“It is, Itachi-kun, I know it's hard for you to digest,” he assured the skeptical teen. “The ANBU will return in a couple of days, with new orders, but I have several legal documents to parry them until we find the other pervert.”
Iruka grimaced, still smarting about this minor information.
“Then, what? You are a dead man standing.”
Iruka shrugged.
“Things couldn't go for much longer like this,” Itachi's face contorted, and looked down at the bedding. “You know, Kakashi kept you here because he thought you were struggling with something, and I think he was right.”
Itachi whipped up his head, then tilted from the sudden movement.
“I'm not struggling. I believe my orders serve the village,“ his eyes looked frantic. ”I would gladly gouge my eyes out if I thought it would better my home.”
Iruka groaned, disgusted and leaned back. He looked at the sleeping Naruto, then at the troubled teen.
“I think you are lying.”
Itachi's labored breath got frantic, and his face mirrored contempt.
“I…” cough, “would, really… "
“Oh, I meant your orders, not mutilation,” Iruka scoffed. “God sees my soul, I believe you would chop yourself into bits or anybody else just to please. The village, or your loved ones, it doesn't matter.” Itachi looked like he had trouble keeping his focus on Iruka, so he grabbed one of the vials, and while he filled a syringe he continued. “I got an order to look into clan business before I got a class stuffed with clan heirs. I couldn't grasp the concept of what's up with the Uchihas, and the constant chopping off of limbs and gouging eyes,” he eased the needle into Itachi’s vein, and offloaded the medicine. ”Then when Sasuke waltzed in, and his only topic was his fantastic brother, and how badly he wanted to develop his dojutsu, I realized it isn't some morbid clan thing. The other way around.”
He kept a pause and waited for Itachi to calm down. When he wasn't about to faint, Iruka scooted closer, and gently pushed him on his back. He wasn't about to cause more trouble than Itachi can take.
“The Uchiha is the victim of the current system. How many times did you hear your only value was your body? Your eyes? The eyes that are so powerful, that could turn the outcome of a war. They are so valuable, you have to protect them at every cost. Even your exceptionally built chakra pathways that can bear the load of chakra flow that this dojutsu demands?“ Itachi was silent and bore his eyes on him. He froze except for his constantly rising chest, which expelled a gurgling, choking noise. ”And how many times have you heard to forget your emotions, that they are a hindrance? Or your opinion on things. Did they even ask you once in your lifetime? And I don't mean like your friends,” Itachi opened his mouth, but then closed it with a click of his teeth. ”The Uchiha are under the impression their greatest asset is their body, so they chop themselves up to give away their bits for the greater good. How many examples do you know of in your clan?”
Itachi looked at the ceiling.
“If we are thinking just about ourselves, the village can’t function like an item. If the sledding dogs pull in every direction, the sled goes nowhere.
Iruka nodded, then moved to attract Itachi's still spinning, blood red eyes.
“Your father recognized this effect and went to change it. To better it. His reward was exile to the perimeter of the village. Who spoke up in your defense, when the gossip judged the Uchiha not fighting in the kyuubi attack? You were doing your job flawlessly, protecting the civilians, so keeping your orders couldn't even give glory to your clan. At this point, civilians are more appreciated than one of the founder clans, who were directly responsible for the piece we live in.”
Iruka's eyebrows jumped up when he saw Itachi's mouth quiver.
“Life isn't easy, but…”
“And it could be a lot better,” Iruka finished it for him. “Tell me Itachi what would happen to Sasuke, if you and your kin miraculously disappear? Be that an attack or some kind of disease.” Itachi's eyes zoomed on him, his face carefully blank. His chest stilled and the tomoes in his eyes sped up in their spinning. “The village would confiscate his inheritance, show him into an apartment, and help him in exactly zero ways to process his loss. I don't have to tell you what happens to an Uchiha who loses his loved ones and starts spiraling. He would only have Naruto as a rival slash friend, who is another orphan kicked around by villagers. They would be on the right path to be a hazard.”
“We are nothing like the rumors…” Itachi wheezed, but Iruka slowly shook his head.
“You are even worse than the rumors,” he said, convinced, suddenly all fight leaving him. He just felt sour. ”The Uchiha deserve better,” he said and stood up, indicating the conversation was finished on his part. ”Do you need anything else, Itachi-kun?”
Itachi blinked a couple of times and turned his head away. His throat worked like he was swallowing with a dry throat.
“I would like my mask back,“ he whispered, then when Iruka brought it back to him, the both of them pretended that Itachi wasn't on the verge of tears.
Iruka went to the mouth of the cave, too unsettled for sleep. He thought he could find Kakashi and send him to rest, so he can digest this conversation in peace. He stroked the dog's head who was sitting in the way, and leaped out to the cave, but he didn't have to go far. His husband sat just right there, covered behind the rocks, so the people in the cave couldn't see him.
What he saw on Kakashi made him pause.
His husband looked visibly upset. His chest heaved, and he bent his head into his palm.
Iruka slowly walked next to him, and when Kakashi didn't react badly, he sat down next to him, and just watched him struggle. He felt so awkward when he placed his hand on his shoulder and lightly squeezed. The next minute Kakashi turned to him and hugged him tightly. He pushed his face in the nook at his neck and shoulder. Iruka raised his hand and hugged him back. It was a little bit off, but it seemed Kakashi needed just that, because he exhaled shuddering, and whispered into his ear.
“I think I know what was wrong with him…”
Iruka felt his hair rise on his neck.
He rather doesn't want to know.
“Senpai..?” called Itachi from the cave. His voice was watery and showed how young the teen was actually, despite his position in the shinobi world.
Kakashi slowly released Iruka, and slipped into the cave without a word, leaving Iruka thinking.
The low murmur of their conversation kept Iruka company for a long while.
***
Iruka woke in the morning with someone shouting in his ear, “RAMEN”. He grabbed the next thing at his side. Disoriented and spooked, it didn't register that he doesn't own anything furry. At least he hasn't grabbed a kunai.
“Ugh.” he groaned, and sat up like a rod, headbutting Naruto in the process. ”Naruto!” he screeched and nursed his aching forehead. Naruto acted as if nothing happened, and soothed in his ear again.
“I want ramen!”
“How many times do I have to tell you, you shouldn't wake a shinobi by screaming at him? What if I pulled out a kunai and stabbed you?”
Naruto just harrumphed, but wouldn't back off.
“Let's eat, sensei,” he nagged Iruka, and began to poke him to get him to move.
Iruka looked down at the furry thing in his hands.
“You!” Biskit looked up at him sheepishly. She flattened her ears and wagged her tail uncertainly, but Iruka wasn't about to be steamrolled by cuteness. ”Out. I’m still mad at you.”
And he unceremoniously evicted the dog from his bed.
“But I'm so sorry,” Bisuke whined and placed one of her tiny paws on Iruka’s knee. “I had to spy on you, but I really wanted to be your friend. Please can we make up?”
Iruka huffed and watched the dog, trying her best to be the most adorable fluff he ever saw. It’s a shame he wouldn't to be swayed by a set of puppy eyes.
“Still…”
“RAMEN,” hollered Naruto into his ear again.
“OKEY,” he shouted back and jumped up to get to work. “Geeze, I couldn't even have a word in the morning until your flapper gets stuffed,” he grumbled annoyed, then looked around. “Where are the others?”
“Ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen,” chanted the boy ignoring anything else.
A tiny vein popped on Iruka’s head but he went and made breakfast, Biskit following in his steps.
“They went to clean up in the ocean,” Bisuke said, tail wagging.
Iruka hummed, then prepared the eggs and the noodles. As soon as he covered the lid on the steaming ramen and sat down next to Naruto and Bisuke, Kakashi jumped into the cave with Itachi on his back.
“We are back.”
Iruka looked up from his food to greet them, but it stuck in his throat. His brain could produce only static so he just stared.
Naruto waved with a great smile.
“Were you out skinny dipping?”
“Ha,” answered Kakashi and gently placed Itachi on his bedroll.
When he straightened up, Iruka closed his mouth with a click. He saw several shinobi in the onsen in Konoha, but nobody was close to the sight Kakashi made. He still wore his mask, hatai-ate, and a boxer, but otherwise, he was nude. His skin was fair, crisscrossed with silver or pink scar tissue. Every muscle in his body was made like a demigod.
“Why didn't you wake us?” Naruto whined.
Kakashi turned to Naruto, showing off his broad shoulders, lean hips, and, and… Iruka choked on his saliva, and quickly looked away, then froze as he noticed Bisuke’s observing, and very interested stare.
Iruka felt dread as Bisuke slowly smiled. She was coy.
He grabbed her vest and leaned so close only she could hear him.
“Shut up, or I swear to god…” he whispered, but he couldn't finish the threat, because a very naked, still damp body sat down next to him, and hugged him into that broad chest.
“Did you make breakfast for us too?”
Iruka once again experienced complete muteness, as he turned back, and found himself face to face with Kakashi's armpit and pectorals.
He had white hair on his chest, which echoed as a thought in the static in his brain. His eyes slide down the trail of hair. Which was a mistake, as he felt something tickling in his nose, and a blood drop had fallen on the alabaster thigh.
He grabbed his nose horrified.
“What the…?” Kakashi sounded startled.
He will never live this down… His ancestors are rolling in their graves.
“I was wondering how he managed to persuade you into marriage,” Itachi's voice was still hoarse from the toxin. Iruka looked at him petrified, as more blood trickled out. “I think now I know how.”
Kakashi’s booming laughter almost stifled Naruto's concerned cry of “Iruka-sensei, are you hurt?”
“N-no. I just… I have to…” he mumbled and as fast as he could, left the cave.
If people could die of embarrassment, he would have to start to dig his grave.
Iruka sniffed and started toward the ocean.
But damn, his husband was fine.
***
He was still crying over his battered reputation as he washed his bloodied shirt when Kakashi walked down to the shore and stood behind him. Iruka risked a glance from the corner of his eye.
He was leaning next to a tree, semi-decent, given he put on his pants and a wet t-shirt.
His glance lingered for too long.
The wet shirt was even worse - better - to look at. He wanted it to be gone.
“What?” he snapped after several minutes of washing, and not staring.
“I think I know what we should do for our date.”
Iruka groaned. He forgot about that.
“Now, don't be like that,” Kakashi teased, pushing himself away from the tree, and stepping closer. “See that cliff?” he pointed behind them. It was the same mountain they made their camp in, but its side from the ocean was jagged and bare. It wasn't a tall mountain, but it looked impressive.”We will climb it.”
Iruka raised his eyebrow.
“You want rock climbing as a date?”
He expected something much more steamy from a pervert who read erotica in public. Like a trip to an onsen, or something where they have to be too close for comfort.
“Yes,” he said and gifted Iruka with one of his eye smiles. ”I often go for a climb on the Hokage mountain.”
“Eh? But why? It's pretty pointless if you ask me. Your chakra control would benefit from some other exercise more.”
Kakashi laughed under his breath.
“I do it without chakra,” Iruka's eyebrows jumped up. “When I'm too bored, I do it with one arm.”
Iruka's gaze went down to his chest. No wonder, Kakashi looked like a dream.
“Oh. Okey. I never climbed without chakra,” he said, and after a thorough squeeze, he pulled on his wet shirt.
The blood stains were almost unseeable. However it was enough to feel awkward since he knew they were there.
“Let's go then.”
Kakashi turned on his heels and started towards the mountain.
“What? Do you mean, now?” Iruka skipped between steps to catch up.
“Yes,” and he got another eye smile. His mask stretched from his grin.
Iruka felt his ears go pink from that smile.
It was nice.
He was in so much trouble. It wasn't appropriate for him to have these thoughts. Their relationship was purely professional, and despite Kakashi’s constant play-flirting, he didn't think it would be him who Kakashi would actually settle with.
He wasn't interested in a romp on a sack.
But his stupid heart went ‘DUN’ again when Kakashi raised his arm and placed it on his shoulder.
“Kakashi…” he mumbled in a warning.
“Oh, come on, Sensei. It is our date. I just want you to be closer,” he breathed into Iruka's hair, and when he looked up to the other man, he wriggled his eyebrow playfully.
Iruka ducked his head fast and kept silent for the last couple of meters.
His face burned.
When they arrived, Kakashi let him go. He almost missed the half-hug when he looked up to see the top. They were really close to the cave they camped in, but on this side of the rock, there weren't easy climbing routes. The wall was practically horizontal.
He wanted to ask, how should he begin to climb this, when Kakashi’s shirt landed next to him with a wet splat.
He eyed the thing frozen to the sport. Kakashi stepped closer and breathed into his neck. “You should take off your…'' he took a pregnant pause, his breath tickling Iruka’s neck. “shoes,” and he kicked off his own toeless shinobi boots.
“Okey,” said Iruka, praying to please, please let his face go back to its original color, then kicked off his shoes.
He risked a glance back, but regretted it instantly, seeing the predatory way Kakashi eyed him. As a distraction he stepped to the rock wall, searching for a grabber. He didn't expect Kakashi to step after him, and push his whole body to his back. Iruka groaned miserably as Kakashi placed his hand into a nook, and whispered into his ear. He could feel the warm breath on his ear despite the mask.
“Start here, Sensei.”
People shouldn't say ‘sensei’ this sinfully.
When Iruka grabbed the nook, Kakashi stroked his hand down his extended arm, right over his armpits, down to his ribs, then to his hips, where he squeezed him, just to feel the strength in his palm.
Was it wise to climb with so little blood in his brain? He was about to lean to the broad chest when it disappeared entirely.
“Ahha!” Naruto jumped out of the woods. ”There you are!”
He did not scream when he fell back to the sand and didn't fail to hide away from sight. He just took a tiny rest in the sand, okay?
“What are you doing?” asked Naruto tilting his head to the side, eyeing them with suspiciously squinting his eyes.
“We are…” started Kakshi somewhere from his side, but Iruka cut in.
“We are climbing the rock wall,” he said in haste. ”Nothing interesting here.”
And tried to right his clothes.
“You know, Iruka sensei, sometimes, you are really weird,” said Naruto and crossed his arms on his chest. ”I want to climb too.”
“No.”
“No!” Kakashi and him said in unison. “You are too little, you can't climb a steep rock wall.” He was sure Kakashi said no for other reasons.
Naruto jutted out his jaw and crossed his arms.
“I am not!”
‘Oh, here we go again,’ thought Iruka, but kind of welcomed the annoyance. It took away his thoughts from things.
“You are too small…” he started to explain, but Naruto would have none of it.
“I’ll show you,” and he ran to the wall, and with a jump, started to climb like a rabid squirrel.
Iruka ground his teeth, then went after the boy, but couldn't catch his ankle, so he had to start to climb.
“Get back down!”
“No,” and he launched sand into Iruka’s neck.
Iruka cursed under his breath and tried his best to reach further, but he missed the kid’s ankle again.
How could such a tiny boy climb so fast?
“Yare, yare,” and he got overtaken by Kakashi, who only used one hand.
The show-off.
Couldn't he be normal for just one minute?
“Let him climb, Anata. If he falls then I’ll catch him,” he said, while he looked down on him from a perch.
Kakashi kneeled in the nook, and bent down, to help Iruka get to the breather. Iruka tried to concentrate on the climbing, not how nice the flexing muscles in Kakashi's arm were, so it took him unprepared when Kakashi kissed his hand when he raised him over the perch. Iruka sputtered, but Kakashi acted like nothing out of the ordinary happened, except a sly glance at his blushing face. When they stood next to each other, Kakashi looked up to Naruto, who was almost halfway to the top. He shielded his eyes from the sun and flexed his pectorals.
Iruka was in so much trouble.
“Stop posturing,” he hissed close to Kakashi, but the other just smiled at him, and placed one of his fists on his hip, while he stroked down his chest and abs with his other hand.
Iruka's eyes followed it like it was transfixed.
“Why? You enjoy it so much-” he singsonged, and leaned closer, but…
“I found a nest,” cried Naruto suddenly.
“Don’t touch it,” Iruka warned Naruto, and looked up.
“It has chicks,” Naruto sounded excited, but Iruka could only groan.
“Don't touch them,” and he started to climb with vigor, Kakashi completely forgotten.
“I just want to pet them.”
Iruka huffed in annoyance. Maybe he should say the opposite of what he really wanted. Maybe if he told the kid to stick his hand in a feral animal's nest he would stay away.
“Don't touch them,” he repeated, but before he could get close, Naruto cried again.
“Auch! They bit me.”
Iruka huffed, and tried to blow away a stray stress of hair from his face.
“Of course they bite, they are feral.”
Kakashi laughed a little bit farther away. He was about to take over him, when Naruto squacked and suddenly a lot of tiny pebbles fell on Iruka.
He bowed his head to shield his eyes when suddenly a warm body covered him.
“Look out!” Kakashi pushed him to the rock wall, their bodies touching from head to toe.
“I didn't slip,” they heard Naruto.”I try again, they are so cute.”
“Do you mind, Kakashi?” he whispered to the man, who laughed delightedly.
“We could never be too careful. Falling rocks could kill climbers.”
Iruka strained his neck and looked at the other.
“It was practically sand, Kakashi,” he said, and freed one of his hands to push the man away, but then his hand grabbed something hard. Kakashi huffed excitedly into his shoulder, when Iruka slipped his hand in his pocket.
He grabbed the thing, and stole it. Pushing the perverted man away, he made a beeline for the top, pocketing the small book.
“You tease…” Kakashi climbed right after him, but he had to slow down.
“Aaaah, mama bird is back! No, don't peck me!” to rescue Naruto.
Iruka couldn't even be angry at him at this point. It served him right to get bit for messing with dangerous animals. However, he looked down to check on them.
He laughed out loud when he saw Kakashi had to stick his feet to the rockwall with chakra, and a panicking Naruto under his arm, had to fend off the offended mama hawk. Kakashi speared him a miserable glance, then had to run, because reinforcement came in the form of the dad hawk.
Iruka laughed so hard, he almost lost his footing. He climbed to the top with relative slowness. If it weren't for the distraction and the touchy feely, it would have been a pretty decent date, he had to give Kakashi that. He couldn't muster the strength to be too annoyed about the flirthing.
It was kind of nice too.
He sat down at the top, dangling his feet above the abyss, and took a minute to admire the sight of the ocean. When Naruto and Kakashi still struggled with the local fauna, even after 5 minutes, he fished out the book and checked it out. He never read erotica before, and was never tempted to do so, but Kakashi made him curious.
He said it was the best romantic novel of the century, didn’t he?
Iruka flipped through the pages mindful of the dog photos and raised his eyebrows when the book opened on its own. The book's spine was broken, indicating it was opened there over and over again.
In the book, the protagonist was laying in a flower field with his exotic dancer and was having a row, because the girl asked him, if she were a worm, would he still love her.
Iruka just blinked nonplussed, when the protagonist got her into a hold and had his way with her, much to her delight.
He will have to provide better reading material to his husband.
But he will have to find alone time to read this book, though.
Iruka pocketed the book fast when he heard pebbles fall and Naruto complained loudly as he and Kakashi reached the top. He acted like he was watching the water, but when Kakashi placed Naruto down with the care of a potato sack, he sent him a knowing look.
Maybe Iruka’s cheeks were once again red as a tomato.
Naruto hurried over to him and sat down. He nursed his bit finger to his chest. Iruka gently pried his hand away. It had a light scratch, but Naruto’s mouth quivered as he kissed the booboo away.
“There, there,” he said and hugged the kid to his side.
Kakashi settled down on his other side and looked at the scene with fake hurt.
“That was my date, and he is the one who gets the kiss in the end?”
Iruka laughed in amusement, hugged Kakashi under his arm, and kissed his visible eyebrow, ignoring the retching sounds from Naruto.
“There.”
“Ew, gross,” Naruto cried.
He gave the kid a goose egg on his head just for the sake of it. But he couldn't look away from the way Kakashi's ears pinked.
It was a nice date, indeed.
***
The very next day ANBU came with a warrant.
The conversation went like this, to Iruka’s utmost delight.
“You are under arrest for taking a military asset,” Cat said sinisterly. The ANBU delegation was even bigger than last time.
“Well, well, well. If it isn't the consequences of my actions,” Kakashi drawled, distastefully turning pages in Iruka’s beginners fuinjutsu textbook. His other reading material was still confiscated and safely kept in Iruka’s own pocket.
Cat stepped closer and got out ropes from his pooch.
“But…” Kakashi turned the book sideways to inspect one of the binding hexagons. ”I’m afraid I have a permit for that too,” and Iruka handed over their papers.
Cat took them, visibly surprised the earlier occurrence wasn't a one-time thing, then when they departed, they took Itachi on a stretcher.
They took off again, running at top speed to the next port town, Kakashi at the front, Naruto riding on Bull, and Iruka trailing them.
They made great time, reaching Buhen city not long after sunset, but they agreed they wouldn't seek shelter in the city.
They made camp in the nearby clearing.
Naruto was out cold as soon as he ate his fill, his head resting in Kakashi’s lap.
Iruka felt his throat tightening as he watched Kakashi's fingers carding the blond tresses. He wasn't about to intrude on the intimate scene, but Kakashi looked up and waved for him to come closer.
Iruka came, thinking he needed something, but didn't want to stir the boy in his lap, but Kakashi just grabbed his hand and pulled him down to them. Iruka felt like his chest exploding with emotion, as the man hugged him closer, and Iruka rested his head on his shoulder, then Naruto reached out in his sleep, grasped his hand, then hugged it to his tiny chest.
Their future wasn’t promised, but at that moment, under the stars, Iruka had everything he wanted.
He wished for it to last a little bit longer, but in the morning Kakashi came back from the city, and with the news, he found Naruto’s godfather.
Which was good news.
Iruka felt like smacking himself on the head for feeling anxious about hunting down their target. The search for him was never meant to be a long mission. It was in Naruto’s best interest to find him fast and escort them back to the relative safety of the village.
So he went to the tavern with them, doing his absolute best to hide his inner conflict.
“I’ll go in and bring him out,” Kakashi said, and he disappeared into the seedy pub.
Iruka was grateful they didn't have to go in. It wasn't the right place for a kid anyway, but when the wait dragged suspiciously long, he began to hope the intel was wrong.
Naruto squatted down next to him and drew frogs with a stick.
“Are you nervous?” he asked but Naruto just grimaced and wouldn't comment.
Of course, he was.
‘That makes the two of us,’ he thought and looked up just in time to see someone being kicked out of the tavern and after several rolls in the dirt plastering on the wall of a market.
A woman screamed in shock, and the passersbys ran to shelter. Iruka picked up Naruto and hugged him to his chest.
The figure stood up, swaying, as Kakashi throttled out of the place, hand in his pockets, hatai-ate up on his forehead. The sharingan swirled blood red in the sunlight.
“...I beg to differ,” he drawled and walked up to the man.
“You kick hard, kid,” the older man huffed, and palmed his chest, but then he bent his knee in battle stance, “But you are not better than me just yet.”
“Stop resisting, Jiraiya-sama!” commanded Kakashi in his most authoritative tone.
Iruka had never heard him like that before. Now, he believed he was an ANBU commander not just because of luck.
“You will come with us, and raise Naruto like he deserves.”
“EEEEH?!” Jiraiya screamed like a banshee.”You want to shackle me with a kid?”
Iruka frowned. Jiraiya as in the sannin? He eyed the old man critically, then discarded the idea. It was no way he was the Kohona Village’s Madness.
Firstly he was old, and looking at the place he spent his day, a pervert and an alcoholic too.
“Yes,” Kakashi nodded, then stepped even closer.
“No way in HELL I will go with you. Bye!” he said and was about to shunshin away, when Iruka stepped in with a Fly Swatter barrier.
That must be another Jiraiya, given he went down without a problem under the pressing wall. His face contorted from the force of the shield.
He wasn't about to let him leave and lead them on a merry hunt.
He kneeled down on his right knee, and called over the laughing Kakashi.
“Kakashi-san, please fish out the rope from my pooch.”
When the old man was bound like a pig and gagged well, he turned to Kakashi and released the shield.
“Is this his godfather?” he asked and pointed at the man. Naruto poked the perv’s face with his stick. ”He is graceless. Didn’t you tell me he is strong?”
Kakashi raised his palms defensively.
“He is, I swear.”
“He is pathetic, that is,” he huffed, annoyed. He was looking forward to a strong ally, who could protect Naruto against the aggression of the villagers.
The old man harrumped offended behind his gag.
“He is the Toad sage, Jiraiya Ogata. He is strong,” Kakashi persisted.
Naruto poked the stick in the man’s nose, eliciting angry noises.
“You clearly got scammed, omae,” he pressed the end of the sentence to press their married status. ”Look at him. My whole plan was built on the fact he is strong, and he could help Naruto grow up in peace. Now we are richer with old pervert, but will go to jail as soon as we go back to the village.”
Kakashi broke a branch from a nearby tree and poked it into the binding of “Jiraiya”. He lifted him onto his shoulder, the old pervert dangled on the rope.
“I know him, he was the sensei of my sensei.”
Iruka huffed indignantly. ”Who was your sensei anyway?” and placed his hand on his hips.
He wasn't impressed at all.
“It was Namikaze Minato,” he said and began to leave the city.
“As in the fourth Hokage?” asked Iruka. That surprised him, but it wouldn't derail his displeasure. Kakashi nodded and motioned Naruto to follow him closely. ”Then riddle me this, my dear wife. If he is such an exceptional sensei, then how could I get him to eat dirt just like this,” and he snapped his finger.
Kakashi stopped and looked back at him. The old perv swayed on the branch like a pinata.
He was about to be beaten up with a stick if he saw Naruto's expression right.
“Because you are strong, Anata.”
Iruka just blinked at the unexpected compliment.
Now, that was distracting.
He ducked his head and hurried to leave the city at double speed. He felt his blush spreading right to his hairline.
“Whatever…” he mumbled, and felt mortified when Kakashi laughed at his expense. ”Let's go to a better place.”
“My husband is so shy,” singsonged Kakashi.
“Shut up.”
Whack.
They left the city with “Jiraiya” screaming under the gag and thrashing.
***
Iruka still had a hard time digesting that the sannin, Jiraiya, the legend, was a notorious pervert, drinking and gambling his days away, and when he isn't pawing poor young women, he apparently wrote erotic romance novels about ninja. There was no way in hell that his chakra ropes could withstand the inhuman power of a war hero, so how come he is still bound, conveniently hanging from a tree over the river that reached the ocean, where they set camp.
He even eyed them with contempt.
Iruka was about to blindfold him if he didn’t stop that.
He must be an impostor. Or a doppelganger.
Yeah.
He should warn Kakashi, given he is so set that he is their man.
“Do you really think he is Jiraiya?” he asked for like a thousandth time that afternoon.
Kakashi's shoulders sagged, and he rolled his eyes at the sight, he moved his legs to make room for one of the ninken. The dog’s gruff pug face was unimpressed with him too.
“Yes, for the love of God, yes!”
“Then why didn't he escape?” he asked again, affronted. ”I think he is a doppelganger,” at that, even Jiraiya rolled his eyes. ”Maybe it is a henge.”
Kakashi must have been at his wits end because he pushed up his Hatai-ate and took a glance.
“No,” it was curt and final, then tucked away the sharingan.
Hm.
Iruka just couldn't believe he captured a legend.
“Are you really sure…”
“Argh,” groaned Kakashi into his hands.
“Sensei, come help.”
Naruto was at the riverbank, where the ocean met the river.
The sand was almost white, inviting. The kid and the ninkens first chore was running into it and rolling around. Now, he was making sandpiles and carrying water in his palms to soak the sand while the dogs laid on the warm sand and sunbathed.
“Please go,” begged Kakashi and carded his fingers through his hair. Iruka gave him a nasty glare and throttled down the riverbank.
“What's wrong, buddy?”
Naruto did a pretty neat job rearranging the sand. He didn't know what it was supposed to be, but it was something.
“Can you help me soak the sand?” He asked excitedly.
“Sure. What are we doing?
“Sandcastles. But not any kind, we will do a big one.”
Iruka chuckled under his breath, and with a suiton, he dragged the waves from the ocean to the shore, soaking the sand.
They submerged themselves in the art of building sandcastles.
Iruka sometimes glanced towards Kakashi and their captive. They were having a conversation, the “Toad sage” scowled like he smelled something funny, while Kakashi frowned, and sometimes petted the smallest ninken in his lap.
“Do you really like him?”
He almost jumped out of his skin from the sudden voice. Looking down, Biskit sat next to him wagging her tail.
“Yeah suuure,” he dragged the words on and huffed awkwardly. He meant it to come out as sarcastic but the pup took it literally. Her tail thrummed happily on the wet sand.
“It means you will be still his wife after the mission?”
Iruka bit his lower lip. He didn't know what would happen after the mission. Their future wasn't looking so bright.
He decided to change the topic.
“I won't,” The tail wagging stopped. ”Given he is my wife. He is an Umino spouse, you know?”
The tail-wagging returned tenfold.
“What? We didn't know that.”
“I bet he didn't advertise.”
He squatted down and petted the small doggy head. He missed Bisuke. He was really set on adopting the dog before all of this madness happened.
“What do you ninken think about all of this?” he asked as he scratched under her yaw.
“We like you, Sensei. Boss needed a good man in his life. He likes the pup too.”
“Bisuke,” shouted Kakashi from their camp, rapidly jogging down to them. ”I hope you didn't tell him anything embarrassing.”
Bisuke ducked her head and looked up slyly. “Not yet,” and giggled, bolting towards Pakkun.
Uh oh.
It seems Bisuke was a gossip.
“Kakashi…” he awkwardly scratched the scar on his face. ”How much would you mind, if Pakkun somehow heard about you being my wife?”
At the camp, the old dog laughed with mirth. The sunbathing dogs picked up their heads, and when they saw Pakkun couldn't stop laughing, they jumped up and trotted over.
Kakashi sighed defeated.
“This day, come on…” he huffed, and Iruka didn't have to see to know his mouth was bent down.
Now, he felt guilty. It is indeed a shitty day, and now he made Kakashi the topic of the latest gossip.
Damn that ninken. More trouble than worth.
“Hey, don't be upset…” he said softly, and nudged Kakashi’s shoulder. ”I'm sorry…”
The other ninken erupted in jipping and giggling.
Kakashi let his head drop in defeat.
“Can I do something, to make it up to you?”
Kakashi turned his head and looked up at him, leering. He even wiggled his eyebrows.
“I can think about something.”
Iruka threatened him with an extended finger but smiled like a loony. “Nothing like that, pervert.”
Kakashi smiled so wide that the mask stretched on his face. “How about another date?” and he touched his hip, thumb gently stroking him.
Iruka felt his mouth go suddenly dry. He ignored the excited quiver in his belly. “Like what? Right now?”
Kakashi shrugged and looked around.
“It's not like our prisoner will go somewhere today. The ropes you made are top tier.”
Iruka blushed to his roots.
They really weren't. It was one of his projects when he was contemplating specializing in fuinjutsu. It took him nearly two months to make those ropes. They were kind of okay, but nothing special.
That's why he had his doubts about “Jiraiya”. He was rumored to be good in fuinjutsu.
“Are you really sure he is the Toad sage?” he asked.
Kakashi's eye rolled in his head, and his head sagged, defeated.
“I think I’ll go back.”
Iruka grabbed his hand before he could step away. “Wait,” he pulled him closer, despite his reluctance and scowl. ”What would you like to do on our date?”
Kakashi looked around again, then said, “I suppose it's still early to ask you to read my book out loud for me.”
“You are absolutely right,” he said unimpressed. And more so, the book will remain confiscated until the other man shows improvement in his perverted ways.
“Then we could help Naruto build the king of the sandcastles.”
Iruka raised an eyebrow but smiled at him.
“I offer you to choose a date and you really want to build sandcastles with me?” He didn't expect that, but it sounded like such a sweet date.
He was actually looking forward to it.
“I would like to do much, much more interesting things with you, “ Kakashi eyed him like he was a delicious bite of food he would like to devour. “I can make us a private pool, and fill it with steaming water.”
“Oh?” Iruka asked, a little bit coy. He really started to like Kakashi’s seductive banter. He was curious how he would react if he joined the game.
“Yeah, I have some scented muscle oil. The one made with arnica.”
Iruka's breath hitched. That was not the standard shinobi oil. That costs much more money to buy from a mission supplier, but it was worth every penny.
It was a muscle relaxant.
He heard.
He never used it, though.
He would lie if he said he isn't intrigued by it.
“And what would you do with such an expensive medical supply? Hmmm?” he felt wicked, stroking his thumb over Kakashi’s pulse point.
Kakashi closed his eye for a moment and cleared his throat.
“I would… I would give you a massage. A very thorough one.”
Iruka pulled him closer and lowered his tone to whisper.
“Yeah? Tell me, which part of me looks too tight to you?”
Kakashi looked at him stunned. His pupil was blown wide.
“Oh my God, Iruka have some mercy,” he croaked agonized.
Iruka threw back his head and laughed out loud. He stepped away, making their appearance much more decent.
“I'm just joking, joking,” he swatted the air before them, trying to relieve the tension between them, but it was hard to dismiss how the other looked at him. It made him wish they were alone.
“Sensei, you promised you would help me, but you’re just standing around,” cried Naruto, affronted. Kakashi jumped startled by the sudden shrill voice.
Iruka felt elated.
“Come on you scaredy cat.”
Kakashi let himself be led by his wrist, but when they joined Naruto he shook down his hand and formed seals.
“Doton - Flowing sand no jutsu” and pulled out sand from the ocean.
Iruka watched him and was impressed. He was under the impression Kakashi had lighting nature chakra, but he saw him use four of the five elements, which was exceptional. Iruka prided himself on how delicately he could mold chakra but he had trouble using more than two.
He formed seals too, and with a suiton he expelled the excess water from the sand.
Meanwhile, Naruto jumped up and down with excitement.
“Yuhuu, let's build a whole castle,” cried the boy, making them laugh.
The sun shone down on them, the gentle ocean breeze licked their skin and brushed their hair. The ninken played something, deeper in the land with a lot of barking and jumping.
Life was good for that moment.
They slowly but surely built a three-story building, kneading chakra to keep it from crumbling. It was a feat in itself, but Kakashi had the stamina to pose the whole time they worked. He even lost his shirt again in the process. It made Iruka blush happily.
When they finished they were knackered and so, so dirty.
The inside was cool and moist.
Iruka laid down on the first floor and tucked his hands under his head when Naruto decided the building was tall enough and began to play coast guard.
Kakashi walked down the improvised stairs and laid down next to him. Iruka watched him from the corner of his eye. The man slowly inched his leg closer to him, as if he should be afraid to touch their calves.
Iruka huffed, amused.
“You can come closer, you know.”
Kakashi rolled on his side, bumping his chest to him. He smiled down at him, mask contorting. “Do you enjoy our date?”
Iruka smiled at him brilliantly.
“It's awful. I have sand everywhere.”
Kakashi gasped in mock horror. “Oh, no. Tell me how we can improve that.”
Iruka wriggled even closer, touching more of their skin.
“I'm thinking about power napping. The faster it's over, the better.” Kakashi raised himself on his elbow and loomed over him. “I'm dying of boredom.”
“Oh?” Kakashi placed his palm on his stomach, where his shirt rode up, leaving a couple of centimeters of nude skin. “How bad. Then we should jump to the end, to spare you from this pain.”
Iruka licked his lips to moisten them. He suddenly felt nervous in the best way. Kakashi isn't meaning to kiss him, right?
Will he pull down his mask, or they will kiss through it?
If he pulls it down, then what is under?
Iruka braced himself for scars, or maybe burns, or birth defects. He didn't want to upset Kakashi by flinching away.
He liked the man.
He was goofy. Indulgent with his peers.
Iruka really liked what he saw until now.
Kakashi reached up, and slowly pulled down the mask, leaving him time to make up his mind.
Iruka couldn't do anything else but stare.
And stare more.
Irritation rose in his guts.
This was under the mask?
Kakashi began to lean down to kiss him, but he grabbed his shoulder and kept him hovering.
Kakashi raised a startled eyebrow and looked at him searching.
“Is something wrong?” he asked anxiously.
Iruka just stared for another heartbeat, then pushed him to the side, then hopped on him, straddling his hips to keep him in place.
“Really? This is what you hide under your mask?” Iruka asked indignantly.
“My… face?” He sounded unsure of what Iruka was referring to.
Iruka would have none of this bullshit.
“Why would you hide your face? You are beautiful!”
He watched with rising brows as Kakashi blushed. Iruka, still irated, decided he wanted to see this look on him more often.
Damn, the man was so pretty.
Stunning.
Too much so.
The small beauty spot on his chin was just begging for him to be kissed.
“Mah. You are a flatterer, Sensei.”
“No. No. You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Why would you cover yourself up? You could get everybody. I thought you had something wrong with you.”
Kakashi raised his brows. The playful glint came back to his eyes. He patted on Iruka tights.
“Nothing wrong there.”
“Oh, there is something wrong with your head, but I don't know what. Yet.”
Iruka was painfully aware that Kakashi's hands stroked a pattern at his thigh. He felt wrongfooted sitting there, and very much unworthy.
Kakashi was top tier in everything it seemed, while Iruka was just… well Iruka.
A stick in the mud, in his best days. His boyfriends always let him know he wasn't the most desirable bachelor around. They were nice about it, so Iruka had to make peace with it.
His mouth curved down.
They had such a nice evening. This day really is awful.
What the hell is Kakashi doing with him all this time?
He had a feeling he was just leading himself on by flirting back. At least Kakashi was nice enough to indulge him.
“So, you do like my face.”
Iruka took a shuddery inhale.
Yeah, he liked it pretty much.
It was a nice reality check before he burned himself.
He was about to get off when Kakashi's hand squeezed him.
“Oi, oi, what's up? You were so into this, what happened?” he asked frowning, finally catching up on the changed atmosphere.
He was completely focused on him. Iruka just wanted to scatter away and cover-up, until he lived down the shame.
He didn't want to make it worse by pointing out the ugly truth.
“Ah, nothing nothing,” he waved between them, and tried to gather momentum to get down but Kakashi didn't let him. ”Unhand me, please?
“But why?” Kakashi asked, and sat up. His eye searched his face. “Do you want me to put my mask back on?”
Iruka frowned at him and huffed silently.
“Come on Kakashi. Don't play with me.”
Kakashi's eyebrow almost disappeared under his hatai-ate.
“What do you mean?”
Iruka pressed his mouth into a thin line and looked away.
“We should stop flirting.”
Iruka didn't have to look, he felt the other was taken aback with shock.
“No.”
Iruka gave him a flat look.
“Yes.”
Kakashi gave him an even flatter one.
“No.”
“Don't be a child.”
“I have been called worse.”
Iruka bowed his hand and pinched the skin at the bridge of his nose.
“Why?” he asked himself, irritated.
“I ask you the same,” Kakashi said heatedly. “One minute, you lay there like a snack to be devoured, then I show you my face and you are suddenly clamming up. Why would you lie about liking my face if you don’t? I thought you were a straight person. “
“I didn't lie.”
“Then, what? Tell me and you can go back to pretend there isn't something between us. I really thought you were about to kiss me.”
Iruka felt his cheeks burning.
“You are beautiful, Kakashi-san,” Kakashi hissed through his teeth at his formal tone. Iruka licked his teeth from the inside. He really should humiliate himself, can’t run just yet. “You see we are very different. I'm just a chuunin, while you are the best of the best in the village. And I'm not hard on the eyes per se, but I don't stand too far away from it. I don't date around and do casual, Kakashi-san. You should refrain from seducing me. There are much more better-suited people in the village for that.”
Kakashi looked at him like he lost his mind.
“Did you pop a vein in your head at my sight?”
Iruka grabbed the other by his nape and was about to teach him what could happen with those who mock him when Kakashi took advantage of the closeness and pressed a quick kiss on his mouth.
Iruka pulled back, desperate to put distance between them, but Kakashi crossed his arms on his hips.
Iruka grabbed his mouth stunned. It tingled from the quick friction.
“What the…?”
“Insecurity is such a bullshit look on you. Where is it coming from anyway?”
Iruka grabbed Kakashi’s forearms and tried to pry them open. “You are the one to tell me…”
“I would date you even if you were a worm.”
Iruka scowled down at him.
W-what an idiot!
“Don't you dare to quote your stupid book.”
“I knew you had a peek,” Kakashi seemed unfazed and self-confident. Iruka would like to erase the look from that angelic face.
“It opened on its own. You broke the book’s spine.”
“It is my favourite scene.”
He had to roll his eyes at that. He was such a moron. A beautiful, strong imbecile.
Why does Iruka have to like him?
“Say just one good reason why would you date me?”
At that Kakashi did something unbearable.
He smiled. Wide.
Iruka’s insides twisted, jumped, pirouetted, and other oddities, making him want to puke, while his stomach sank. His poor body never felt so confused, where to direct his blood, given it wanted him to blush, and pale at the same time.
How could someone be so handsome?
Maybe Sakumo had an affair with a goddess to bless their mortal plane with ethereal beauty.
“I could give you plenty.”
“Please don't smile, you make it worse,” he groaned miserably.
“Make what worse?” asked Kakashi, and tilted his head to the side like his dogs.
“The gap.”
He was so done.
“Don't be silly. I'm closing the gap between us. Like this,” and he pulled Iruka even closer. Their chests pushing at each other.
“Ugh.”
“I told you before, when you started to nag me with Jiraiya. You are strong. With some training, you could be easily a jounin, but a tokubetsu definitely. That chakra rope was excellent. Then just before that, you went and gave Itachi a harsh reality check despite the fact that he was about to break your spine when you mentioned Sasuke.” Iruka's eyebrows jumped up. He didn't feel the killing intent from the boy. He was upset, downright furious, but he was controlling himself. ”Before that, you went and upended the whole Konoha paper system, and showed them how vulnerable it is towards inside tricks. You dissed me out for chasing you, then offered to teach them a lesson.”
Iruka rolled his eyes. Everything could be painted in a better light. It was pure stubbornness. If Iruka wasn't so pigheaded, they would still be in the village.
“I like you. I think you are pretty too.”
Now who’s lying? Iruka scowled down at him.
“Suuure.”
“You don't believe me?”
“Of course not.”
“Hmm. Okay, then,” Kakashi looked like he was thinking hard, then something came to his mind. ”I always called you Snack-san to the ninken. Ask them, if you don't believe me.”
Iruka remembered hearing that from Bisuke.
But why would he like him? He had nothing special on him.
Everything about him was plain brown, his job was boring on his best days, his free time was spent with Naruto, so he had no exotic hobbies, and he was too broke to travel.
He was plain.
And he wasn't about to change that to try to keep Kakashi’s interest.
“Have you suffered a head injury?” Iruka asked the man.
“Yeah, a couple.”
Iruka rolled his eyes and was about to struggle his way out when he kissed him again. It was longer, not just a fleeting press.
He could feel the softness of those lips, the inviting smell of the other.
His heart hammered in his chest like crazy.
When it ended, Kakashi didn't pulled fully back, just lingered closer. He was whispering into his mouth.
“Date me.”
“We are married.”
“Date me for real.”
Iruka was so weak. When Kakashi pushed his mouth to him, he kissed him back.
Kakashi's iron clutch on him softened into an embrace. When Kakashi ended the kiss, he stroked his neck reassuringly.
“Come on, Iruka. You won't regret it.”
Iruka huffed. And despite his better judgement…
“Okey…”
“EEEW, you guys are nasty!”
They jumped startled, looking at the ascending Naruto, who made a face resembling someone who stepped into something wile. If Iruka was flushed before, now he definitely looked like a tomato.
“We’ve done nothing nasty,” Iruka hurried to stand up and save the situation, but Naruto was onto them.
“I saw you kissing all lovely dovey. Yuck! It's awful.”
Iruka scratched the scar on his nose, embarrassed.
Kakashi stood up, marched to Naruto, and pointed at the kid’s chest. “Just for that, I will let your castle crumble.”
Naruto's face scrunched up.
“No, don't do that!”
“You have time to leave until I count to zero.”
“No, I like my castle,” Naruto cried desperately.
“Three.”
“Sensei!” Naruto tried his luck, but Iruka just crouched down and exited the castle, waving coyly with his fingers.
“Two.”
“Please, no, I apologize!
“One.”
“Waaaa,” and he ran out of the crumbling sandcastle, while Kakashi laughed and let the whole thing collapse on itself. “You are the worst!”
***
They were nearing the gates of Konoha when Iruka’s nerves finally snapped. He felt their impending demise as soon as they caught Jiraiya. The man was still bound and was strapped on Bull, while Naruto traveled on Kakashi’s back. The other ninken escorted them in a diamond shape, with them in the middle.
When they slowed down, and Kakashi announced they were being trailed by an ANBU patrol, Iruka’s knees almost gave out.
He excused himself, and stepped away to hide behind a thick bush, and have his meltdown in relative privacy, but as soon as he leaned down, grabbed his knees, and took a deep breath Kakashi stepped behind the bush too.
“Nervous?” he asked.
Iruka just sent him a nasty glare and wished his stomach would stop rolling.
“Do you want me to kiss it away?”
Iruka sent him a withering look, but it didn't hold back Kakashi from gently hugging him to his chest.
Despite his better judgment, Iruka went. He clutched the vest on Kakashi's chest.
Maybe that was the last time they would be free.
“I would offer my services with the massage oil, but we will have guests sometime soon… but if you are not against it, we can…”
“Stop jesting, you buffon.”
Iruka slapped Kakashi’s chest lightly, just to emphasize his point.
“Huh, so you still think I jest?”
“Argh. Just shut up for a sec,” growled Iruka under his breath. He will boot Kakashi from his breakdown bush if he is just there to make it worse.
“Make me.”
Iruka huffed, annoyed, and looked up. Kakashi just raised an eyebrow.
“Can I do something, and you promise you wouldn't get mad?”
“Like what?”
“Just agree, come on.”
“If it's something perverted, then leave me alone.”
Kakashi laughed.
“You know it is. Please, let me have it.”
Iruka will regret this, he just felt it.
“Okey…”
Kakashi’s smile was stunning. How could he know?
Because Kakashi’s first thing was pulling his mask down, then pushing up his Hatai-ate and opening the sharingan. Iruka gazed into it as he got mesmerized. The small tomoes slowly swirled around.
It was the first time he saw the whole of his face. Damn, he was so handsome, it was humbling… and very much enthralling.
“I am going to kiss you,” warned Kakashi, and pressed his lips to his, before he could ask why he took out the sharingan.
Kakashi's big warm hands stroked his back and pulled him closer just to feel the other. Iruka's breath hitched.
Kakashi raised his head looking deeply into his eyes, then he smiled down at him as he kissed him again and squeezed his nape.
His fingers carded into his hair and tugged on his hair tie, releasing his hair. Which promptly stayed upright, despite the lack of hair tie.
Kakashi raised his head and was too bad at smothering his smile.
Iruka looked up at him unimpressed.
“Why does it stay like that?” asked Kakashi.
“You should say no things about electric hair. What did you expect? Falling down locks, like in a novel?”
Kakashi nodded euphemistically. His eyes were round and so innocent in his laughter.
“I didn't wash it in weeks…” it was grimy and dirty from the road and sweat.
“So, if you wash it, it will go down?”
Iruka couldn't take it longer, he laughed out loud, then leaned in for another kiss.
He really, really liked this man. Iruka raised his arms, and gently hugged his neck to steady them when:
“Oh, excuse me,” came the awkward voice, from too close.
Kakashi wretched away his mouth, while Iruka grabbed his vest in fright.
Kakashi, fast like lightning, pulled back his mask.
“Cat, fuck off!” wailed Kakashi, and hugged Iruka closer.
Iruka hid his face in Kakashi vest, when he saw they got busted again, not just by the Cat ANBU, but Itachi too.
“Why do you have your sharingan out?” Itachi asked and tilted his head to the side.
“I was collecting good memories, what does it look like?”
“Shut up…” Iruka whispered into the fabric, but nobody paid attention to him.
“He always sticks that eye on perverted things…” grumbled the Cat ANBU, when Iruka realized.
Kakashi was recording him with the sharingan.
Him.
During kissing.
He wanted to crawl in a ditch.
“Do you mind? I'm glad we met again, but…” Kakashi waved at them. “It is a very private bush meeting we held here.”
“No. The Godaime Hokage summons you.”
“Godaime?” they asked in unison, Iruka raising his head.
Itachi nodded.
“Uchiha Fugaku-sama took over the village’s leadership, not long after our last encounter.” Cat told them. ”We must go and you can report back on your mission.”
Kakashi sighed deeply and released Iruka.
“Yare, yare,” he said and whipped out an orange book, and just like that he was immersed in reading.
Iruka’s jaw dropped.
“What the…?” he patted his vest, the book was still there. So he hadn't stole it back. “How did you get that?”
Kakashi looked back at him, and winked, now for real as the sharingan swirled away.
“I have a second copy on me, Anata. What would I read if something happened to my favorite copy?
Iruka groaned into his palms and looked at the ANBUs. They just shrugged, like it was fact, while Kakashi waltzed back to Naruto and the rest of the ANBU.
Iruka stood there for a minute watching Kakashi reach Jiraiya and Naruto, then start a conversation about that absolute filth with its author.
“Ready to give up on keeping Kakashi away from his book?” asked Cat.
That rose agitation in Iruka.
“As if,” and he hurried after them, hugging Kakashi from the side, and while he hugged him back, he snatched away the offending item and his hair tie.
He had to give Kakashi that, he was stepping in Konoha much more relaxed.
Kakashi squeezed his shoulder.
At least, they had a chance with Fugaku.
Omake
The briefing was awkward and high strung, as they stood before the new Hokage.
Hiashi seemed like he didn't want to deal with them and he sat on the plan to go with Iruka’s grand idea to mask their rebellion with technicalities.
Iruka's relief was immediate and unmeasurable.
Hiashi stamped their report, then looked at their captive with obvious humor in his eyes.
“And who have you got there, I wonder…” his tone trailed off and pointed at the man.
Iruka turned to Kakashi in that instant.
“I told you he is an impostor!” Kakashi watched him from the corner of his eye. “I know he should have been stronger.” Seethed Iruka.
The things they did, to bring back a fake!
Kakashi looked away, longsuffering, all his strength leaving him.
Hiashi raised an eyebrow, then smiled under his nose.
“Welcome home, Jiraiya-dono.”
“Oh,” breathed Iruka, confused. Now he is still the real deal?
Said man hummed sourly, still gagged.
“How is marriage treating you Kakashi-san?” asked Hiashi and burst into laughter. Iruka’s face colored at the barb, but he didn't have too much time for shame, given Kakashi whipped out another orange book before he spoke.
Iruka's eyes zeroed on it with a frown. How many copies did his husband own?
“It's a pain in the ass to be a wife,” and sent the Hokage a fake eye smile and a wink.
Was…
Was that an innuendo?!