Work Text:
Rainy mornings often feel calm and serene to Bella—like a photograph of a moment forever frozen in time—but this morning feels even more hushed than normal. Through her truck’s windshield, she could view a blanket of mist coating the entire town in a foggy bliss. She drives down the crumbling road to her school, humming along to the half-static, half-music playing on the radio. It’s the kind of muffled quiet she enjoys by herself, alone with her sluggish thoughts in the slow morning.
A car almost T-bones her. However, being gay, Bella hopes this is the only type of boning she experiences. Then again, she also really likes chicken wings, so maybe she wouldn’t mind participating in a bit more boning afterward. She loves stuffing bones up a chicken, especially on Thanksgiving when Americans eat soggy bread that’s been stuffed up a turkey’s ass (stuffing).
“GET FUCKED!”
She flips off the car speeding away. The audacity of some people. It’s a small town though, she’ll find out who it is later. Eric can set her up with the person’s name, address, and schedule. He owes her anyway.
(They do not speak about The Incident but it involved a snake, a dead Hamster, a jar of peanut butter, and a very large tree at the godless hours of 2 am. Eric owes her big time for helping him with that.)
She pulls into the parking lot of her bitch ass school and manages to score a spot right next to the exit. Her parking job is straight, unlike herself, and she finally heads inside with her too-hot-to-be-cold-and-too-cold-to-be-hot-and-definitely-not-Goldilocks-just-right cup of joe to speed up the passage of time so she can just go home already.
`•.,¸¸,.•´¯ 🎀 𝓁𝒶 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝓈𝓀𝒾𝓅 🎀 ¯´•.,¸¸,.•``•.,¸¸,.•´¯ 🎀 𝓁𝒶 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝓈𝓀𝒾𝓅 🎀 ¯´•.,¸¸,.•`
She has no memory of the morning when she first walked into school but the coffee is wearing off and it’s lunch now. It’s her favorite class for multiple reasons. She could say it was because she didn’t have to be in an actual class or because they served waffles every other day during lunch or… well there weren’t a lot of other reasons actually.
But Alice Cullen would be there. She was the most important reason.
The doors to the cafeteria creak open. It sounds almost akin to someone letting out the swampiest fart known to man, but that’s easily forgotten as a hot piece of ass enters the room—her future wife if you must (Alice Cullen-Swan). The ugly mug of Edward’s gay ass face acts as the perfect backdrop to her queen; she can’t even comprehend how they could be even remotely related.
Not to mention how the girls and some of the guys are even attracted to him, like, what the fuck are any of them thinking??? Because he has cheekbones and short hair? Guess who else has that, and wears it better. That’s right, Alice fucking Cullen-Swan. His gay ass could even be Batman for all she cares, and she still wouldn’t give a rats ass about him. Nothing against Batman, though, especially if it was her casted as Bruce and Alice as Selina (they would be a power couple that would knock Gotham off its feet). Besides, she doubts anyone would fawn over Squidward’s ass if they knew he was obsessed with snails. At least he made a good cover as her boyfriend.
Eric watches her as she stands to sit with the vampire family and asks her the wrong question as to why she has a fake-boy toy in an attempt to get a real knife wife.
“Why can’t you just talk to her again?”
Screw the driver who almost killed her this morning.
“Eric. I’m calling in on my favor. Stay still.” Her voice was wet in the way she only knew spiders to be.
No one says anything about the black eye Eric pitifully nurses for the rest of the day.
She heads over to the table, kicking Awkward out of his seat next to her perfect angel, and sits down. He’s still on the floor and, sure enough, her phone buzzes as he sends her a picture of a snail that’s slowly crawling under the table.
PLEASE JUST GET RAILED: due u thinc hell lik it
His spelling is atrocious.
Me: yes fuckwad ”hell” like it
The “hell” in question, her best friend Jacob, would not like it. Ever since she shoved a bunch of snails in his mouth because she wanted to pretend she was in Paris, he’s been disgusted by the creatures. Yes, it’s an asshole move to give false information to her accomplice in Project: Acquire Bitches, but she doesn’t think he’ll mind too much as long as he can get Jacob to fuck him silly.
So now vampy snail boy was making a collection of his favorite snails to show his favorite furry wolf boy.
At least it was romantic in whatever way traumatizing your to be husband with snail photos could be?
Bella, on the other hand, had to do her flirting a little differently. She couldn’t just go and ask the sexiest and beautiful-iest sweetheart out . There was a complicated dance to it. Hence, dating dead bird. That was step one. Check.
Step 2: Prolonged Eye Contact
Technically, it was giving compliments with the Prolonged Eye Contact, but Bella just always gets tongue-tied around Alice. At least, not in the good way, so it was just lots of staring. God, she was beautiful, with her eyes blazing gold and her pixie-like hair. And those lips, Bella just wants to kiss her so badly, is that too much to ask?
Apparently, it is because the vampire goddess smiles at her and asks why she’s so mean to her boyfriend.
Because I’m gay as fuck, he’s gay as fuck, so we have some solidarity being gay together and are obligated to help each other so he works as an excuse to complain about him to you and figure out if you are also gay based on how you react to my complaining about a boy and also so that we have an excuse to talk.
… isn’t really words her tongue can make right now with Alice looking at her like that. A small smile gracing her features, a twinkle in her eyes (a gay twinkle), all directed at Bella.
So Bella just stares at her in lesbian love and lesbian panic.
Prolonged Eye Contact: Check.
They stare at each other a bit more, deeply staring into each other’s orbs as Bella wills her own sphere’s to communicate all the feelings her mouth muscle can’t.
Thump!
Dread word ruins her pathetic attempts by bumping his oddly shaped head on the table. “We’re still going to that party, right? The one on the beach?”
Alice turns her attention to him. “Yep!”
Goddamn, this motherfucker, THEY WERE HAVING A MOMENT!!!
But it’s Fine because this party is step 3 in her plan. Go to a social event, maybe play a game of truth or dare where maybe, just maybe, there will be an excuse to get the two of them alone, and Bella can kiss her, and maybe her queen could kiss her back and maybe more could happen between them-
Bella is getting ahead of herself, but the party is tomorrow so Bella is allowed to dream.
And she has some very nice dreams, thank you very much, as one does when they’re in love with a vampire goddess.
Especially when said goddess gently tugs Bella down so her head rests in her lap and caresses her face and neck and cards a hand through her hair. Her touch is so soft and so nice. Bella wonders if the touches could ever mean something romantic rather than platonic. Girls are affectionate like this right? It totally doesn’t mean anything, Bella is probably just being desperately hopeful, even when Alice’s hand rests against her fluttering pulse and her thumb traces her lips in a way that Bella just wishes was romantic.
It’s totally platonic! (x17)
Who is she kidding, there is no way in hell there’s a logical, platonic explanation for this. And no, it’s not just the intense love and adoration that Bread Turd dubs as “being horny” for her goddess that is affecting this judgment. Even an outsider would see the absolute platonic-definitely-not-romantic gayness in her queen’s actions and call bull shit.
Bella will find out at the party tomorrow. She’ll give her a bouquet of violets and some little candy kiss and should Alice accept, maybe an actual kiss.
`•.,¸¸,.•´¯ 🎀 𝓁𝒶 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝓈𝓀𝒾𝓅 🎀 ¯´•.,¸¸,.•``•.,¸¸,.•´¯ 🎀 𝓁𝒶 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝓈𝓀𝒾𝓅 🎀 ¯´•.,¸¸,.•`
The party sucks ass, and most of the attendees need to be put down to save her mental sanity, but that doesn’t matter.
Everyone else who was at the party who Bella refuses to acknowledge by name seems to be doing everything in their power to force Bella and Alice apart—those fuckers can kindly piss off. And Alice keeps looking at her, making Bella one: very flustered because oh no, she’s going to actually ask her out today if literally anyone would leave them be for five fucking seconds and not talk about how “Jacob is just so perfect and hot, I really want to suck his di- haha, I mean talk to him but what if-“
“Misspelled Word, please just eat your own ass and die.”
“But he’s so pretty in the moonlight!!!”
Sure. If you’re into wolves and the omegaverse. Bella’s not one to kink shame verbally, but she hopes her judgement comes across to the gay vampire next to her as she glares at him.
He continues on anyway, “You think my sister is pretty, I’m allowed to think your best friend is the greatest gift from god—specifically to cleanse my eyes from having to look at your sussy face all the time.”
First off, Alice is a fucking goddess and is more than just “pretty”.
Second of all, just because that is an extremely valid point (Alice really is pretty in the moonlight, her eyes sparkling like the ocean waves reflecting the light, just like her smile when she laughs at a joke), does not mean sheppard can state that point.
“Why don’t you ask him out then already?”
“I could say the exact same to you. It’s been like an hour, weren’t you supposed to ask Alice out already?”
Oh, this motherfucker wants to fight? Bella has mommy AND daddy issues (though she’s working on both, specifically with her father and they’ve actually been bonding over fishing trips and family dinners), with enough lesbian love to knock out the North American power transmission grid, she’ll give him a fucking fight.
(ง’̀-‘́)ง
“At least I don’t run away from others and preach that it’s for their own good because I think I’m a dangerous, mysterious baddie when it’s just cringe and annoying to witness.”
“At least I don’t complain about everything and anything, even if it’s something nice someone did for me.”
“I’m not the one who constantly takes pictures of snails even though Jacob is traumatized by them!”
“You lied to me?! That’s really unswag of you- wait that’s not the point, but we’ll talk about that later. At least I’m not the one who immediately wants to be a vampire for someone I fell in love with in all of 5 minutes!”
“Oh please! There’s no reason to get so tilted at the towers, leave that for your gamer pad, since I’m not the one who can read minds and still can’t decipher whether or not a guy wants to shove a dick up my ass!”
“I’m going to kill you and then kill you again!”
“YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH MY CRINGE ASS NAE NAE BABY WHO’S BASICALLY A FURRY BEST FRIEND!”
“YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH MY RAWR XD, IN WHAT REALITY DOES THAT OUTFIT ACTUALLY FUCKING LOOK GOOD SISTER!”
Maybe they shouldn’t be yelling.
Welp. Too late now.
Both Alice and Jacob look up from the fireplace. “You’re in love with me?” They say at the same time.
“Jinx. Double jinx. Triple jinx. Fuck you.”
Bella wants to stick her head in the sand like a swan. Or is it an ostrich? Yeah, probably a swan (she totally isn’t an actual dumbass if you couldn’t tell).
There’s sand in her hair. Westward would do the same but he doesn’t want to get sand in his own strands, the rat bastard.
Through a stroke of good luck, they’re by a cliff actually…
Elk Heard grabs a bottle and smashes it into the fire, making it roar high into the sky.
Damn, how much alcohol was in that shit because she could really use it right now.
“FUCKING S C A T T E R”
Bella runs up the cliff, hoping she can throw herself off it in a very non-suicidal way before Alice totally rejects her sad lesbian feelings.
She here’s Jacob yelling. “I THOUGHT Y’ALL WERE BAE????”
“NO! WE WERE JUST FAM!!!!” Leopard yells back at his sad gay crush, before picking Bella up in his arms and speeding toward the giant cliff. Well, you know what they say, great minds think alike, except they were both dumbasses.
Alice and Jacob are suddenly alongside them, with their stupid femme vampire and furry wolf boy speed.
“WAIT, DON’T JUMP, WE LOVE YOU TOO.”
Checkered skids to a stop like one of those cartoons, the little pebbles and rocks skidding off the cliff. They loved them too??? really???? gay hearts go !!!!!!!
Unfortunately, Alice and Jacob don’t stop as easily.
They collide with the fake couple (she swears she hears a cartoon BTHOOOM and can’t help but chuckle), and sends them all plummeting off the cliff. It’s shot in slow motion on an iPhone, and any minute now, the words “Shot on iPhone” will appear with the most obnoxious music ever.
“AAAAAAAAAAA”
“AAAAAAAAAAA”
“AAAAAAAAAAA”
“AAAAAAAAAAA”
Will they survive to be their sad little gay selves with their sad little gay feelings? duh duh DUH
to be continued…………………. or not………
┬┴┬┴┤(･_├┬┴┬┴
(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)
Fin.
shot on google docs
-