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“Do you know what time it is?” Manjiro’s voice was hoarse but Takemichi was too panicked to pay much attention to any of his surroundings.
“I’m sorry.” Sometimes (a lot) recently his mind had been making him feel like he was in fact not there. He wasn’t part of himself. He was living in a movie and he wasn’t the one piloting himself, and he could deal with it normally but sometimes late at night he worried he was going to wake up in his room 12 years prior with everyone having forgotten who he was and he just didn’t want to be alone.
“Are you feeling like that again?” Manjiro was too gentle about it, shying around the topic. He felt bad to talk about it with Manjiro because he knew the person he leaned on the most had his own demons to face. Those demons being much darker and harsher with crueler words and expressions, while his were less of demons and more of a lack. of something. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t keep his head in the current moment, he couldn’t be in the now and it led to a fear of not being there, of drifting away... maybe even flying off into space and suffocating in the solar system.
Takemichi didn’t say anything, he just hugged Manjiro, “Nothing feels real… except you... sometimes.”
Takemichi had grown distant from the world. Isolation, dissociation, it leads to a sense of apathy. He wasn’t as apathetic as some people though and if he was cruel? it wasn’t his fault it was the world that made him that way. It was the circumstances thrust upon him, it was the people around him looking down on him with lack of forgiveness and lack of empathy- caught up in preconceived notions and unrealistic expectations, it was the death and loss. It was the domino effect, the ticking clock turned time bomb strapped on his heart, that eventually had blown him to shreds. He lost it. Something shattered; and the shattered glass lingered in his hands as he picked things up, in his feet as he walked, his throat as he talked... everywhere felt slightly tinged with broken glass.
You never realize how close to the edge you are until you feel the sting of fury come over you. Irritation at its highest peak, buzzing and burning waiting to come out. The feeling in your throat like you’re having trouble breathing, the way your thoughts plummet to the depths of hatred, anger, disdain, thinking: ‘humanity is awful’ .
Off the edge is a very long fall, Takemichi didn’t particularly want to take that dive today.
“Everyone,” he clenched his teeth, “I hate everyone.”
“That’s not true,” Manjiro said with a certainty Takemichi wanted to possess again for something other than shitty deeds like killing and making deals. “You’re angry because you care so much.”
The truth hurts like an unexpected airhorn right against his ear. He did care, somewhere deep down, even if he didn’t feel like he did. He knew he did, but he didn’t want to think about caring, he didn’t want to remember caring, or the way his friends spoke to him before Bonten, or the sweet taste of bananas from him and Draken getting smoothies or the soft fur of Chifuyu and Kazutora’s cat… caring led to weakness unless the other person was willing to be just as weak as you.
Late at night was when the memories came flooding back, late at night was when he worried he may just be a brain in a jar and this whole existence may be fabricated and his soul may be alone in the universe, late at night was when he felt like he could be himself with Manjiro and his boyfriend could be most himself as well. Manjiro and him cuddled a lot lately, shared blankets, pillows and lifetime goals and dreams.
Manjiro was gentle with him, like he was a porcelain doll. He was careful about where he touched, where he put his lips, how he hugged him at night. As if Takemichi was valuable, something to be treasured- worth something. If Takemichi was gone one day, this person would notice. He wasn’t sure if he could say that about anyone else. It made him feel very numb, but Manjiro ? Manjiro made him feel something, and it wasn’t a volatile feeling, unlike most emotions he encountered recently.
Takemichi couldn’t imagine what it would be like without Manjiro. He probably would have walked off the edge long ago. The darkness in Manjiro’s eyes was a void large enough to let himself fall into, yet small enough to know he could make his way out. It was a home to him; a home for when he wanted to be 6 feet under his own residence.
The world was too big, too cold, too ruthless. If he couldn’t protect the world, he could protect one thing; Manjiro. He let everyone else go, every thing else go; including a bit of his sanity. Manjiro never approved of it, he’d wanted Takemichi to live a happy life without him, but he never said how to do that. He never explained how to live without him and Takemichi didn’t know how to learn for himself.
“Why me?” Manjiro had asked once, when Takemichi first made his way to Bonten. “You have friends, you have Hina, you have so much you’re throwing away.”
It was weird how Takemichi for once didn’t feel anything. You’d think he’d feel sad, maybe nervousness, anger, joy, something. The only thing he could feel is a pain in his head, probably allergies. “I want to be with you.” The words were true, even with no emotions behind them. “I feel safest when I’m with you.”
He didn’t like connections anymore. They always became more trouble than they were worth. He refused to remember names so he called people by their distinctive traits. Some people got close, too close for comfort, and Takemichi would implode.
Why does this person mean something to him? He doesn’t mean anything to them. They’re probably disgusted by his existence, by Bonten’s existence and it’s activities, and yet he didn’t want them to get hurt. Why?
The question would hang in the air, in his chest and his stomach with a gruesome feeling. He’d isolate himself until it all went away; as if the time alone was a shower to rinse off the emotional attachment. People are a weakness, the way his body reacted to people and human interaction was a weakness. He couldn’t be weak.
He’d always been weak though, hadn’t he? He’d always been clawing his way up to some semblance of strength and yet he barely could hold onto what he had. This debatably miserable state of being.
“Takemitchy,” Manjiro was still next to him, a rock, a comfort. He rubbed circles into his back, waiting patiently as he continued to drift off thinking. Manjiro was the one person Takemichi let himself drop his guard next to. If one day Manjiro were to- his mind flickered to the worst case scenarios for both of them, before looking right at Manjiro. No, that wouldn’t happen. “Try to sleep..”
Sleep did in fact take him soon, while he was in Manjiro’s arms, after medication and making their environment as silent and dark as can be. He finally got much needed sleep. He’d have to thank Manjiro later…