Work Text:
Killua climbed onto the roof of the family mansion. His parents weren’t home and it was a Friday. Normally he’d be at Gon’s house sleeping over, but...
Killua didn’t know why he felt like this, but he felt awful today. Every heart skipping smile Gon gave him throughout the walk to school that morning gave him a churn in his stomach that hadn’t ever been there before. A sick feeling that was ever present today, it felt like a looming bolder over his head. And it only continued after their walk to school.
From science class where Gon would constantly give praise to his best friend for easily understanding the lab and helping Gon through it to lunch where he heard Gon’s melodic laughter that sounded better than any Mozart song by leaps and bounds, it all gave him varying degrees of that churn from earlier. As if his body was physically trying to repel his own love for his best friend but it couldn’t because that love was a part of him, so it just pained him further.
After school, while at Gon’s house, it got worse. So much worse that Killua actually vomited while over there after Gon had winked at him again— what was that about anyway, Gon never winked at him before! Gon was just being his normal, cheerful, lovable self that day, but something in Killua was pained at the sight. Not because he disliked Gon or anything, he could never not love Gon in some fashion. But as he lost his lunch at the toilet, he began to think it was because of that love he was experiencing this. Because he knew he’d never be with Gon like he wants, and loving someone he could never have was taxing on his heart.
Gon was worried after Killua ran to the bathroom, and he asked if Killua was ok. Killua couldn’t answer immediately, but when he got out of the bathroom, he told Gon he’d be going home later today.
“But your parents aren’t even home!” Gon had said when Killua told him, but Killua refuted that he just needed to go home and that he’d be fine afterwards. Gon continued to debate with him on the subject, how he could rest here and that Killua would be fine and if he wasn’t, Gon would take care of him if he needed, but Killua kept trying to come up with any excuse that wasn’t a lie so he could leave; he didn’t want to lie to Gon. He left for home with Canary driving at 10pm, promising to come over as soon as he got up. Gon reluctantly let him go, nodding and waving from the front door to say goodbye as Killua left.
Now he was on the roof of his family’s mansion, his legs stretched down the stairs and his arms behind him. He looked out towards the only apartments in this part of their city which was mostly filled with skyscrapers and mansions; the lights there on Friday’s were always brighter than any of the other buildings nearby, more alive and breathing. Killua watched the lights dance in the distance, far far away from him. The colors of the lights from the lone wolf apartment building in a district of rich snob families and businesses in towering skyscrapers that touched the sky formed an incredibly faded rainbow on him and the roof, the light barely could stretch out to reach him; the rainbow, as he looked at it, reminded him of love for some reason. Killua could feel his tears fighting the barrier he had up to keep them in, desperately trying to express his feelings, to break free for the first time in years . His bottom lip quivered too, and hands began to shake slightly against the roof as he began to break, slowly wanting to just give in to his feelings already. To just let it all out! But he held it back. He couldn’t let them run free because if he did, he wouldn’t be able to stop it. He closed his eyes and breathed. Killua’s cried before, but he won’t cry. Not about this. Not about Gon. Not tonight. He can handle this, he tells himself. He has to.
Gon didn’t believe Killua when he said he just needed rest, so Gon decided to go visit Killua as Ladybug.
Gon didn’t have to worry about meeting Chat today, he had said he was unavailable, so he was fine to go visit Killua. Normally though, Chat would’ve specified a reason like his parents or just saying personal reasons or rest day when he didn’t show up, but he actually texted “I’m unavailable today” from his spare phone, which caused Gon to not feel comfortable pushing the question. Chat’s message was stiff, it was unlike him; it seemed like he wanted to be left alone tonight. Thinking of people in rough spots, Killua seemed like he was in a similar rough spot today, Gon thought as he swung on his yo-yos. Killua didn’t look too good at all today, really. He seemed pale since Gon saw him that morning. In fact, every time Gon looked at his best friend, he felt like he could almost see a hint of green in Killua’s worrying pale complexion today. Killua normally had pale skin, sure, but it always seemed to have a healthy color to it, a color that was noticeably absent throughout today, leaving him sickly pale looking today. He thought he could help with his trademark Gon smile, it always seemed to help Killua when he was down, but it seemed rather ineffective today, perhaps it even made things worse. Gon’s wink even seemed to make Killua vomit, at least that’s what the timing made it seem like. Gon couldn’t help but see the similarity in both of his best friends’ situations, they both were in less than ideal conditions. So Gon decided to go to Killua’s family mansion as Ladybug to check on him and make sure he’s ok.
He would go to see Chat too, but Chat would never tell him where he lived.
Gon just wanted to make sure Killua was ok, just a quick visit would suffice, maybe hang out a bit and talk with his best friend before leaving. And maybe sneakily enjoy the sight of a sleeping Killua for a bit if he was really resting. But he won’t stay too long, unless Killua wants him to. If Killua wanted, he’d stay all night.
As he approached, Gon could see unmistakeable white hair flowing beautifully on the roof of the Zoldyck Estate, and that was never a good sign judging off the last time Gon had seen it. Normally when Gon visited as Ladybug, they sat on the roof after Gon knocked on Killua’s window to let him know he was there. This wasn’t normal, at least not when Killua was ok. He rushed towards the mansion as fast as he could, quickly and nimbly landing on roof after roof like Chat had taught him a past night, though— in his opinion— he did it with nowhere near the skill Chat had when he did it, and arrived close to his best friend. When Gon landed, he looked towards his best friend. “Killua looks ethereal,” Gon thought as he approached the familiar teen to sit next to him. Gon also noticed some faded colored lights from some far away building around the mansion that barely made it to Killua, gently, nicely gracing the front of him and making him appear to be the end of a rainbow. Killua was so beautiful that his looks alone were easily a higher value than a million pots of gold, and add his personality to the mix and you had someone more than worth a million times their weight in diamonds. His beautiful white hair waved at Gon as it casually glided on the wind’s current as Killua sat still on the roof. His pale skin also kept with the theme of otherworldliness surrounding Killua this night as it shone out in the resounding lack of powerful light near the mansion— contrasting the night sky of darkness with his natural pale light. Finally there was Killua’s beautifully ocean blue eyes that could only further perfect Killua’s look, easily stealing Gon’s breath away from him. Killua was beautiful this night, as always. And as was often the case, Gon couldn’t look away.
As Gon sat down next to Killua, he realized there were tears within Killua’s beautiful sapphire gems. Glassy was a new look for Gon to see in Killua‘s eyes, in fact Gon doesn't remember seeing Killua vulnerable really at all throughout their life together apart from the first time he saw Killua on the roof. He’s been seeing a more vulnerable Killua now, more honest, but only as Ladybug. These nights showed him a new side of Killua he’d never seen before, but this was a side Gon never expected to see. And he immediately believed that this side of Killua, of him in pain of any kind, was worse than a punch in the gut. Gon’s heart ached more now than when he was away from Killua for too long. Gon would take as many punches as it took all day every day to stop Killua from feeling like this ever. Killua should never be anything other than happy, and any sadness present in Killua Gon wanted to help with the best he could like always. So he decided to stay with Killua tonight.
The colored lights were gone now, leaving the soft, sparse white-yellow light from the late night sky and street lights to flow softly around and onto their clothing and body as they sat on the massive, slanted roof. Gon’s red and black ladybug suit stood out like a sore thumb compared to Killua’s wardrobe of a black hoodie, dark navy blue pants, and black shoes, though Killua’s hair stood out as much as Gon’s suit. Killua was clearly trying not to be seen by many with this outfit, and Gon wanted to know the reason why.
After he sat down, he made sure to slowly lean back on the roof, copying Killua’s sitting position as he asked carefully “um… Killua? What's wrong?”
As if the question were a catalyst for emotion, Killua’s tears broke through his eyes and began to flow full force. He laughed painfully as he tried to rub them away from his eyes with his jacket sleeves. “Sorry,” he choked out, “I’m just a little sad is all. Some feelings have gotten me down a bit today.”
Gotten down my ass, Gon thought as Killua continued to try and wipe his tears. Killua was much worse off than he was letting on and Gon knew it better than anyone. He wanted to comfort Killua at least a little, so he put his hand on Killua’s left shoulder, unsure of the boundaries between Ladybug and Killua. In lieu of his inability to comfort Killua like he wanted, he instead began to run through his head of everything that bothered Killua. His parents, Illumi, did they do something? Did something happen to Killua’s sisters? Was Killua moving? Did they tell him he couldn’t see Gon again? What happened today?
Contrary to his anxious instincts though, Gon asked slowly, bleeding worry, “what happened? Did your family say something?”
Killua laughed, but it was pained. More pained than the one before, as if this physically hurt to talk about. It pained Gon just watching. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from interrupting Killua in case he was about to say something, and he could taste his blood as he bit down. His nails began to dig into his palms too. This was too hard, but he had to let Killua answer on his own. If he didn’t, Killua would never tell him.
“No, my family couldn’t get me this bad no matter what.” Killua said with a chuckle. He seemed to be trying to distract himself from the feeling overwhelming his body. “I just have a bit of a problem with some emotions that’re out of my control. And they’re getting worse by the day.”
“What emotions? If you… if you need to talk about it, you can talk to me.” Gon didn’t wait to ask, he could hold himself back from a lot but he couldn’t hold himself back from asking that. Whatever was causing Killua to be so miserable was unforgivable. He needed to help.
Killua looked over at Gon, his face was red from the rush of blood due to his crying. His tears stained his cheeks seemed as if a river were there, ever flowing from a never ending source. Killua’s white facial hair was slightly overgrown too, so it got slightly wet. “You sure you want to know?”
Gon brought his arm around Killua’s shoulders, side hugging him. This was a little bold, but Gon felt like Killua had already warmed up to Ladybug enough for at least this to be ok. “Only if you want to tell me.” He says, looking back into Killua’s eyes. They spoke of a despair that Gon desperately wanted to take on for Killua. Whether he loved Killua in a romantic way or not, he’s sure he’d feel this way no matter what.
Killua took in a deep shaky breath and looked out towards the ever darkening city as the time gets later and later. He changed his sitting position, bringing his legs closer and hugging them with his arms. He looked so small like that, Gon thought. His tears weren’t stopping and his hands were starting to tremble while around his legs. Whatever this was, it was messing Killua up badly. Finally, Killua said “Love. It’s cruel, isn’t it?”
Gon didn’t know what to say. They’d spoken about love loosely before with Gon as Ladybug. Gon had asked if Killua loved his civilian self the last time Killua was upset on the roof, and he answered yes, but this love felt different. The love Killua was referring to seemingly wasn’t platonic, and Gon was immediately shot with anxiety, jealousy, fear, and anger. Anxiety of who Killua loved so much that it drove him to this level of pain. Jealous that someone had Killua’s heart and didn’t even know it. Scared that it’s not him, that it may never be Gon that Killua obsessed over. And Angry at whoever was driving Killua to this sadness. Whoever caused this, Gon swears he’ll beat them to a pulp and make them love Killua if that’s what it takes. As much as Gon wants to be the one for Killua, as long as Killua is happy that’s all that matters.
But Gon couldn’t show these feelings to Killua. He had to keep it together, so he first decided to clarify it, “you.. you mean romantic love, right?” He kind of hoped he didn’t.
“Sure do.” Killua said, he breathed through his nose, his tears causing it to be congested. It sounded stuffed, and even that hurt Gon deep.
Gon’s heart beat spiked, and his mind went blank for a second. “Wh… um…” Gon looked at Killua as he stuttered. Even crying, Gon still couldn’t completely separate his brain from thinking Killua was gorgeous. Soon, he regained his footing and began to ask again, now adorning a little bit of a blush from his distraction. “What about it?” Gon asked, he needed information to help. Killua rubbed his hands on his face, trying to calm down.
His voice was steadier when he said “you know when you love someone, but you know they don’t love you the same way?”
Gon nodded, he’d experienced that with Chat.
Killua breathed again shakily. Despite his attempt to keep his voice steady, his breathing was giving him away. “Well extend that for nearly ten years and that’s where I am. I know he doesn’t love me, not the same way I love him anyway, but I can’t move on. I love him so much and I can’t stop loving him. I know he doesn’t feel the same, there’s no way he does, but I keep hoping and I can’t stop wanting it to be true and it hurts because I know I’ll never be with him.”
Killua covered his face with his hands, trying to hide his red face adorned with new falling tears and eyes growing red from strain. Killua’s rant felt raw to Gon, real, almost like he was about to break down from this unrequited love. Gon was scared. He believed now more than ever that Killua couldn’t be thinking of him. But Gon could confront that fact later because right now he wanted to help Killua, but he didn’t know how. What should he do? Gon wasn’t sure how to help, so he did the only thing he thought of, he stopped thinking. “Who is he?”
“He’s my best friend, Gon. I’ve told you about him before, haven’t I?” Gon’s mouth went dry, Sahara desert dry, while his face as a whole blushed harder than it ever had before, the blush probably rivaling Killua’s biggest ones. Gon was at a loss for a response. Did he hear that right? He was Killua’s crush? He was the reason why Killua was crying, even if inadvertently? Killua loves him? Has loved him? For years? Years? His hand, his whole arm along Killua’s shoulders tingled, suddenly alive and pulsing. It was as if he were a robot that was finally turned on, he was on sensory overload but he couldn’t show it. Gon was wrong, Killua loved him. Gon’s own shock along with the combined joy that Killua loved him too was too much for him to process.
But Killua was still talking, so he couldn’t think on it more than those initial thoughts.
“I love him, Ladybug.” Gon being called Ladybug shocked sense into him. He was thinking of kissing Killua, of confessing, of doing something, but he couldn’t do that. Right now, he was Ladybug. Friend of Killua and best friends with Chat Noir, but eventually he’d be back to Gon, Killua’s best and closest friend, Gon who was in love with Killua, Gon, Killua’s only love. And when he was back to his civilian self, he’d think of a way of confessing, but right now Killua needed him. Killua laughed a bit. “God, I shouldn't be saying this to you. I’m sorry, I’m bothering you with my problems.”
“No!” Gon said much louder than he meant, “Killua, I don’t.. I’m more than happy to help you with stuff like this. I’m your friend, Killua. I want to help, especially when...” Gon took a breath, he didn’t want to admit it, but this was a secret he could understand Killua keeping from his civilian self. He hated that secrets existed between him and Killua, he wanted to help Killua with all his problems no matter what. But this he understood. “When you can’t talk to Gon about it.”
Killua looked back at Gon again, his arms came to rest on top of his knees, and his head was now on top of his arms, his head now laying sideways and looking at Gon. Killua’s eyes were back to their beautiful shade of blue —the red fading— back to the most beautiful shade of blue anyone will ever see, the sadness having diluted a bit now. Killua’s face showed nothing but thankfulness. These feelings were weighing on Killua, almost crushing him, and Gon knew what he had to do. He had been thinking of how to confess since his talk with Chat, but seeing Killua like this made him decide to confess sooner than he thought, though that’d probably end up happening no matter what.
“Thank you, Ladybug. Really, thank you.” Killua’s voice was softer than clouds, and Gon was in love with the sound. That and the pure rush Gon got, the pure, unfiltered happiness from Killua looking at him like that, at Killua thanking him, was addicting. Killua himself was an addicting presence, and Gon was more than ok with being addicted to him forever. His blush that had calmed slightly from Killua’s unintentional confession came back nearly in full force, his face was definitely close to the same bright red of his suit.
“N-n-n-no problem!” He stuttered out.
“Uh, Ladybug? You ok?”
“I-I’m fine!”
“You seem really red.” Killua leaned forward a little to look at him, and Gon was worried for more reasons other than his crush now being way. Too. Close! Gon didn’t think his body could handle more blood in his cheeks.
Gon leaned away a little and said “S-seriously! I’m ok! Promise.”
Killua shrugged and leaned back, wiping some of his stray tears with his right arm’s jacket sleeve. As he watched, Gon suddenly, without thinking, reached out to wipe a few from Killua’s cheek too. Killua got stiff as Gon’s hand gently rested on his cheek. Gon swiped his thumb slowly across Killua’s soft cheek and catching a few tears, wiping it across a couple times extra before pulling his hand back, the feeling sticking with him. He wanted to touch Killua’s cheek again. They were both blushing now, Killua’s was a lot less intense than Gon’s— which was very abnormal— but there nonetheless. Gon quickly realized what he did and began to panic.
“A-ah, sorry, it’s just, I—”
Killua began to laugh, covering his face in his arms, his right arm back with his left arm resting on his knees. His laughter was pure, it always was out here. Pure and beautiful, like a clear diamond.
He lifted his head from his knees and waved his right hand up and down, “It’s fine, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I know you and you were just trying to help, so you get a pass. You’re interested in Chat Noir or someone else anyway, aren’t you?” Killua said with a full smile.
Chat flashed in his mind, but not for long. Gon didn’t want to think of Chat, he wanted to think of Killua. Killua and his soft smiles, his multitude of cute looks from just sitting on the roof, Killua who constantly picked Gon up without ever trying, Killua who made Gon feel like he was on top of the world, Killua who was special. He loved Chat as a friend, but Killua was unique and Gon wanted to soak him in.
“I wouldn't say that.” Gon said distantly as he looked right at Killua, feeling his own eyes soften in their look. Killua didn’t seem to notice though as he was already looking out to the city again.
“You know, all of this reminds me of this one time when Gon and I were younger and we…” and Killua moved on to a story about them two. Gon listened, his attention completely on his crush. He placed his right knee closer to his body and propped his right elbow on it so he could use his hand to cup his chin, his left arm still around Killua. He leaned forward a bit as Killua told the story, completely losing himself, immersing himself in anything his best friend said and everything else about Killua.
He and Killua talked the night away as always. Killua was happy again, and that fact alone made his heart swell. And the whole time Gon couldn’t take his eyes off of the beautiful teen for a second.