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Engaged. Abby is engaged.
Buck could laugh if he wasn’t so flabbergasted. He thinks about standing outside the airport after she left, holding his heart together with chewing gum and spit like it was some god-awful elementary school project. He thinks about you’re my ghost Abby and that half-assed attempt at writing his heartbreak out on paper, thinks about how he wanted so badly for her to feel what he was feeling when she just stopped talking to him. He thinks about how he should have listened when Eddie said that Abby was a weak excuse for not dating and how his body reacted to bumping shoulders with him in the parking lot that day. He thinks about how seven letter words are out to get him, and how engaged is only the most recent one.
Ghosted. Abby ghosted him.
Buck probably should have seen it coming; after all, the only thing colder than the airplane Abby flew away in was the shoulder she started giving him the minute she landed in Europe. She’d call and talk about all the amazing, wonderful, life-changing things she’d seen or done on her “Eat, Pray, Love” experience while he sat around like a sad, little guard dog surrounded by things that only reminded him of her.
Then, Maddie waltzed back into his life at the same time as pretty boy Eddie Diaz (who Buck never wanted to know about the whole Abby fiasco, because pretty boys should not be allowed to see you as anything less than a totally, handsome coworker who definitely does not have any sort of insecurities because their girlfriend up and fled to Europe). So, he distracted himself by doing what he does what he does best: being the hero in somebody else’s life. He comforted Maddie in the best way his little brother mind knew how and practically begged her to become a nine-one-one operator (maybe Abby was good for something after all). Then, when he needed to distract himself more, he fumbled his way into Eddie’s problems by batting his eyelashes and feigning bashfulness at you’re a badass under pressure, brotherand hell yeah, you can have my back any day (feigning is a total lie Buck was definitely bashful, but if you think he’s going to actually own up to that, no you don’t). Buck jumped at the opportunity to come to Eddie’s rescue after Pepa aired his struggles out to him. He practically dialed Carla’s number before Pepa could finish talking (Buck’s not keeping count or anything, but maybe Abby is good for two things.). The smile on Eddie’s face when Bobby told him that he’d already been given a heads up made Buck’s heart skip a beat.
And, okay, maybe Maddie was right, maybe he does have a crush on Eddie Diaz. Honestly, who could blame him? Eddie was six feet of beautiful, tan skin topped off with dreamy, hazel eyes and swoon-worthy, brown hair. Did Buck mention he might have a crush?
Breaking up with Abby would have been a million times worse if Eddie’s name wasn’t already tattooing itself into Buck’s heart since he saw him that first day. Fortunately, for Buck, Eddie doesn’t look like he’s booking a flight to Europe anytime soon.
Bombing. Buck got pinned under a freaking fire truck because an angsty little boy decided to get revenge on Bobby by bombing the fire truck.
Buck knows it’s unfair that he was the one who got hurt in the bombing, but, honestly, he would rather be pinned under the truck again than have to watch any other member of the one eighteen suffer in this way. He’d suffer through the pain, surgeries, pins in his joints, rehab appointments, and months without working just to make sure his new family never experienced anything remotely close to the pain of thousands of pounds worth of blown up fire truck pinning them to cold, hard asphalt.
Buck thinks laying there in the street watching Bobby grab the dead man’s trigger like his life is meaningless enough to risk might be the cherry on top of his already outrageously painful experience. Then, the fire truck is being lifted off of his leg and it feels like he’s being stabbed with millions of needles at the same time, but there’s a hand holding his hand so carefully like the person is trying to take all the pain away.
Haircut. Eddie Diaz cut his beautiful hair.
Buck admits this seven letter word is a bit dramatic, but you’d understand, too, if you got to spend time with sleepy Eddie Diaz on Friday night movie nights when his hair is mused from laying on the couch and he looks young, carefree, and just a little bit happier than usual. Buck liked hero, fire fighter, ready to save the day Eddie Diaz, but, god, did he fall in love with soft, care free, whispers the words to the songs from Disney movies Eddie Diaz.
Tsunami. Buck and Chris are at the Santa Monica Pier when a tsunami strikes.
Wow, if Buck didn’t know any better, he’d think that the universe was out to get him; he just wanted to listen to Eddie and have a fun-filled day at the beach with Chris. The worst part wasn’t even when the first wave hit, millions of pounds of rushing water swallowing him up and spitting him back out. The worst part was that god-awful sound of splashing water and turning around to see an empty space where Chris was sitting, and Buck doesn’t think he’s ever hated himself more than in that exact moment. Buck’s not a parent (even though he is essentially co-parenting Chris). He doesn’t know what being a parent is like, but he assumes it’s the heart-numbing mix of panic and dread and jumping back into the water even though you have a high risk of dying if anything so much as scratches the surface of your skin. He thinks he’d jump into the water over and over, even if it meant certain death, to save Chris.
Buck is hysterical when Eddie spots him. He doesn’t want to admit to Eddie that he’d lost Christopher, doesn’t want to imagine the look in Eddie’s eyes or the hatred that will surely wrap around Eddie’s heart. Buck already hates himself more than he ever had, so he doesn’t want to imagine how much Eddie will too. But, Buck knows that Eddie needs to hear the truth, no matter how painful, from him.
Buck is halfway through meekly, muttering out what happened when Eddie runs to meet the woman carrying Christopher, and it takes absolutely everything in him to keep from falling apart in the mess of tents and medical supplies. Christopher is okay. Christopher is alive. Christopher is in Eddie’s arms. Christopher is okay, alive, in Eddie’s arms, and Bobby is looking at Buck like he knows exactly what words his brain is forcing him to believe. Then, Buck is fading, falling into Bobby, Hen, and Chimney like he’s forgotten how to walk entirely.
Buck doesn’t know what day it is when Eddie shows up with Chris; he’s been stuck in a loop of hating himself for losing Chris and the look in Eddie’s when he thought Chris was lost forever. Buck doesn’t know what being broken feels like, but he thinks it’s this horrendous feeling of loathing and nothingness that has completely taken over his body. He thinks it’s the opened beer bottle on his kitchen table as the sun rises over Los Angeles.
If getting caught in a tsunami means Eddie’s hand on his shoulder and there's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you then Buck might consider getting caught in tsunamis more often.
Lawsuit. Buck filed a lawsuit against the city, the department, and Bobby.
All Buck wanted to do was get back to his family. He’d been doing everything right, changed his diet, stopped drinking as much, actually took care of himself for the first time in a long time, but Bobby decided that none of that mattered. Buck knows he could have handled the feeling of the knife in his back from any other Los Angeles Fire Department captain, but Bobby has become something of an actual father to Buck. It all just reminds Buck of his real father.
Buck, who is rash and led by his emotions, does the first thing that comes to his mind, and he calls the sleazy lawyer. He wants to be a hero again, wants to run into fires with his team, wants to have Eddie’s back. He doesn’t want millions of dollars or a private island; he wants to do his job.
He thinks that turning down the money and signing the numerous papers will make things return to normal, but Hen is the only person who welcomes him back. Chimney acts like the older brother he is and gives Buck some advice. The rest of the team walks on eggshells; they are okay with Buck’s return, but they’ll side with Bobby over Buck any day.
Eddie is just angry. He doesn’t laugh at Buck’s jokes. He doesn’t help Buck with the table. He hardly even acknowledges Buck’s existence. Buck is fairly certain he could cough up blood again and Eddie wouldn’t notice. It takes everything in Buck to restrain himself from falling at Eddie’s feet and begging for forgiveness, attention, anything. Buck’s afraid that this is Eddie ghosting him, just like Abby did. Afraid that Eddie marching away from him means it’s all over. Afraid that maybe the only thing he’s good enough for is being left behind.
Then, Eddie is listening to him, forgiving him, hugging him, saying did you ever stop for a minute to think what that could do to us and us sounds less about the team and more about the two of them. Buck thinks us feels like a breath of fresh air. Thinks us feels like falling a little bit more in love. Thinks us feels like he’s met someone who finally won’t leave him.
Teacher. Eddie might have a thing for a teacher.
Buck knew that Eddie would move on from Shannon eventually; he just didn’t think it would happen this soon. And, okay, maybe he was a little hopeful that Eddie would move on to him. You can’t blame Buck though, there isn’t a person in the station or daily life that Eddie touches more frequently than Buck. Brushing shoulders and knocking knees was a given during calls, and sitting on the couch required left over space on either side of the two men. Unfortunately, Eddie comes into work one day smiling like a lovestruck sixteen year old, and Buck’s heart plummets in his chest.
Buck knows he shouldn’t have called out Eddie during that call, but jealousy is a little green eyed monster that moved into his heart the moment Eddie mentioned Ana the first time. Plus, Buck knows how math and time work. If Eddie does start dating Ana, eventually she will take up all the spare time Eddie has outside the station. And, even if it isn’t on purpose, Eddie will do exactly what Maddie did — leave.
Trapped. Eddie Diaz is trapped under several thousand pounds of mud and debris.
Buck is distraught; Eddie Diaz, the man who Buck’s heart beats for, is trapped, and if the mud caked to his gloves and the constant pain in his chest meant something more than a flood gate of emotions that Buck was struggling to control then he would channel them to move the mountain of mud from on top of Eddie.
Buck realizes then, while breaking down in Bobby’s arms, that he is screwed. This, what he feels for Eddie, isn’t puppy love. It isn’t puffing your chest out to impress him love. It isn’t even be there for you when you decide to run away to Europe for several months love. It’s I don’t know how to function if you won’t talk to me anymore love. It’s I’ll cut my rope if it means it’d save you love. It’s if you die before I get to tell you how much I love you then I will never recover love.
Then, Eddie comes limping out of the darkness saying won’t be easy and I’m pretty cold and Buck realizes it’s also if you ever scare me like that again I will never forgive you love.
Tuesday. It’s Tuesday when Buck finally knocks on Eddie’s door.
Buck knows he should have showed up sooner, but he wanted to give Eddie time after nearly dying to hold Chris tight and process through everything. He wanted to give the man a break after sharing his most heart-breaking memory with a room of children. Buck also knows that he hasn’t knocked on Eddie’s door since months before the lawsuit, and that's why Eddie is currently staring at him like he has three heads as he opens the door.
“Buck?” Eddie questions. “Why are you knocking on the door?”
“Well, I - um. I have something to tell you, and I’m not sure how you’re going to react,” Buck nervously insists.
“Is everything okay? You didn’t get hurt again did you?” Eddie asks, searching Buck’s body for any obvious sign of injury. And this, Eddie anxiously checking over Buck like it’s his second nature, is why Buck isn’t leaving until he says every word that his heart has been telling his brain to say for months.
“No. Eddie. Eddie, I’m fine. See,” Buck punctuates the word with a twirl that makes him wish he could rewind his life to before he did. “Everything is fine.”
“Okay. Then what’s up?”
Buck sighs, “I think you should sit down for this.”
“Are you sure everything is fine?” Eddie awkwardly chuckles from his new found spot on the couch.
“Yes. You just might want to be sitting when you hear what I have to say.” Buck confesses.
“Out with it then,” Eddie announces, circling his hands in the air to gesture Buck to start.
“Alright,” Buck begins.
“During that call last week when you were trapped, I realized something. I’m in love with you. Actually, no I realized that a long time ago, like after the tsunami when you told me there was nobody you trust with Chris more than me, and actually, the timing of it all doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that while you were down there, trapped and alone, I realized — oh, wait! I don’t want to make you being trapped about me — I realized that there’s no turning back from the way I feel about you. I love you, like claw at over forty feet of mud to get to you kind of love.”
“And, I can’t keep hiding how I feel, because we live in a world surrounded by danger. Either of us could die at any moment, during a call, or just walking down the street on a random day. So, I wanted — no, needed — to tell you how in love with you I am Eddie.”
Buck’s breathing is out of control from talking so much, and his heart is pittering away in his chest like it just ran a marathon. But, he did it. He told Eddie how he really feels. It actually feels like a weight has been lifted from off of his chest; then, he glances at Eddie, who is still perched frighteningly silent on the couch.
“Wow,” is all Eddie works up the audacity to respond.
“Yeah, I told you that you might want to sit down,” Buck jokes, hoping to get something other than wow to leave Eddie’s mouth.
“Yes you did.”
After that, they sit, the constant hum of the air conditioning the only noise in the room. Buck thinks this might be what rejection is, Eddie Diaz sitting wordlessly on the couch after hearing I’m in love with you. He thinks that even if Eddie doesn’t feel the same that at least he was brave enough to say it. He thinks that he should probably leave and let Eddie process things in his own time.
“Before you get up, you should know I’m in love with you, too.”
Buck lets out a surprised huff, “You do?”
”I do,” Eddie smiles.
Then, because requited love confessions can only mean one thing, Buck and Eddie fall into each other, their love for each other acting like a magnet. And, finally, after months of loving Eddie Diaz with his whole heart, Buck gets to feel Eddie’s lips on his. Eddie’s lips are a soft, smooth, and a constant reminder that Buck is now on the list of people who are fortunate enough to experience I’m in love with you, too falling out of Eddie Diaz’s mouth.
Buck has kissed a number of people in his lifetime, but he knows there’s something especially, heart stopping about kissing somebody you love. He knows that as long as he’s walking the world with Eddie Diaz he won’t ever start kissing somebody new.
Eddie's lips are somewhere between Buck’s mouth and his neck when Buck thinks Tuesdays might be better than Saturdays. Thinks I love you sounds a lot like not being left. Thinks, maybe, seven letter words aren’t that bad after all.