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Buck has always liked weddings. When he was younger, bridesmaids and groomsmen throwing themselves at him made it easy to suffer through hours in stuffy clothes and watching families awkwardly dance to Journey songs. In fact, Buck didn’t have a problem with weddings until twelve months ago when Eddie told him that he had proposed to Ana.
Buck tried to be happy for them, really, but their engagement felt like a death sentence. Buck thought he had more time to waste before Eddie got married again, thought Ana was temporary, thought he’d have the opportunity to tell Eddie how much his heart beat for him, thought he stood a chance at being the one Eddie walked down the aisle to. Unfortunately, the world didn’t think the same; after all, watching the man you love marry someone else isn’t nearly as bad compared to being crushed by a fire truck, suffering through a pulmonary embolism, or nearly dying in a tsunami, right?
When the wedding date starts getting closer, Buck “accidentally” forgets to include it in his availability, but he blames it on scheduling mishaps. The lame excuse must be enough, because no one questions him about it — at least not to his face. They let Buck go about his business, which he’s a little suspicious about, because, come on, Eddie is his best friend and Buck should be at the wedding supporting his best friend.
~~~
The weather is perfect, not too hot or overcast, when Buck wakes up the day of the wedding, and maybe the universe really is flipping him the ultimate bird? Buck hurries through his morning routine, desperate to be at the firehouse already so he can be distracted by other people’s messes for the rest of the day. Which, in retrospect, is a little selfish, but Buck thinks he deserves to be a little selfish on this horrible day.
He’s at the station for all of half an hour when the bell rings. They’re being called to an apartment fire somewhere between the station and the gorgeously decorated wedding hall where Eddie is getting married in two hours.
The fire is burning red-hot, licking at the outer edges of the building. Buck is halfway through clearing the sixth floor of the apartment building when he notices Hartford, a firefighter from second shift, wrenching a man from his apartment. Despite his best efforts the man cannot escape Hartford’s vice grip.
The man breaks down, “I need to get the photo albums. They’re all I have left.”
And, because Buck literally cannot function when people around him are suffering, he runs into the burning apartment and grabs the photo albums. He finishes clearing the building before he joins the man from before outside the building. The man nearly collapses when he sees the photo albums in Buck’s arms. “Oh god! Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have done without these. They’re all I have left.”
The man flips to a page that he must be familiar with. A picture of the man with another man catches Buck’s eyes; they are both smiling brightly up at the camera, arms wrapped tightly around each other's shoulders, college football uniforms tight against shoulder pads. There’s confetti floating in the background with a hoard of people blurring into the background. The man must notice Buck’s eyes on the picture because he says, “He was my best friend, but I always wanted more. Probably should have told him, but I never got the chance to. He died a couple years after this game — crashed on the freeway. Um. Anyways. Thank you so much for grabbing this…”
The man continues talking, and Buck should probably say thank you or something, but he is overcome with so many emotions all at once, because he can’t stand the thought of his almost relationship with Eddie being frozen in time in a photo album. He knows he probably should have said or done something about it sooner, when they were dangling over the line that night in his kitchen or after the tsunami when Eddie’s words put him back together. But, he had been so afraid of losing the family they had created that he didn’t realize he already had lost it to unspoken words.
~~~
The firetruck barely hisses to a stop before Buck is out, all long limbs and heavy turnout gear racing up the steps to the wedding hall. Nearby onlookers seem a little shocked, probably expecting there to be an emergency inside.
Karen’s standing in the hallway near the doors attempting to calm down a tantruming Nia. She’s not all that surprised when she spots Buck. “Buck?”
“Am I too late?” Buck gasps out.
Karen doesn’t need an explanation, she already knows what Buck is asking. “No, you’re right on time. Now go get your man.”
So he slams the door open. And maybe he should have thought this through a little bit more. He probably looks deranged, standing in the back of the pristine wedding hall covered in soot and sweat and huffing and puffing like he just ran half a mile to get here; but, he couldn't care less because Eddie Diaz is about to marry someone that isn’t Buck and that breaks his heart.
“Buck?” Eddie asks, confusion lacing his smooth voice.
Buck shifts awkwardly from one foot to the other. “Y-yeah. U-um. Look I’m sorry for interrupting your wedding, but I have something I need to say.” Every eye in the hall is on him now, and if he was paying attention to anyone but Eddie, he would see Hen smirking somewhere in the third row. Buck takes the stunned silence as an opportunity to keep talking.
“I-I hated you so much when you first started at the 118 — or at least I tried to. But you made it so hard to-to hate you because you’re you, and I don’t really have any real explanation other than you’re Eddie Diaz.” Buck’s grasping for any word he can think of at this point to describe what he feels for the stupid (not really), beautiful, man standing at the end of the aisle.
“I wanted — still want — to give you everything,” Buck continues. “But you’re here marrying Ana, and she’s beautiful. But, god Eddie she’s not me. I hate that she’s not me, because dammit Eddie I’m in love with you and have been for a long time now.”
“That’s why I couldn’t be your best man, because the only way I’m going to stand beside you at a wedding is if I’m the one marrying you. And I know I should have told you sooner, but I’m telling you now. Eddie, I am in love with you. And I’m starting to think that loving you is the only thing I’m getting right, because I’m kind of an absolute wreck of a person otherwise.”
The wedding hall is silent, but Buck swears he can hear the thumpthumpthump of his heart over a loudspeaker. His breath is ragged and fast from talking so much without stopping, but he finally said what he’d been wanting to tell Eddie for years. But then one second of silence turned into twenty seconds turned into a minute turned into five minutes, and the steady thumpthumpthump of Buck’s heart morphed into an uneasy THUMPthumpthumpTHUMP.
“Um, I’m just gonna leave then.” Buck says, but he can’t hear himself over the sound of his heart breaking in his ribcage. Buck flees the room almost exactly the same way he entered it, covered in soot and sweat and all attention on him, only this time his heart is a little bit more broken than before.
He doesn’t stop to say anything to Karen on the way out, just walks straight to the fire truck and heaves himself into it. “Everything all good Buckley?” Hartford asks.
Buck slowly responds, “Hm? Yeah. Everything's all good.” It’s the biggest lie he’s ever told; he knows that Chimney, Hen, and even Bobby would have called him on it. Eddie probably would have knocked his knee against Buck’s and rolled his eyes at his theatrics. But they couldn’t call him on anything from the seats of the wedding hall.
~~~
The truck isn’t parked at the station for more than ten minutes before the bell is ringing again. Buck’s happy for the distraction, he really is, but the silence of the wedding hall after his interruption is echoing through his head like a scratched cd in a car stereo, skipping all the good parts in favor of the exact wrong moment.
They arrive at the scene of a car accident; it’s all a blur in Buck’s mind, his body moves out of muscle memory, aiding the drivers and passengers of both cars. For a minute, everything is good, and Buck is saving people again; but, the universe laughs at Buck’s temporary relief before deciding that today is the day that whoever Buck is rescuing should die. It takes all his energy to keep his tears at bay and turn to the next person who needs help.
After everything is said and done and people are packed into the ambulances and shipped off to hospitals, Buck joins the remaining crew in the fire truck again. It’s pretty quiet the whole way back to the station. Buck slumps out of the truck, sorrow sticking to him like a second skin. The soot from the fire earlier is still smudged all over his face and he smells like fire and wet dog. He knows he should shower, but it’s three o’clock and the exhaustion of the day is stopping him dead in his tracks.
“Buck.” That voice, Eddie’s voice, takes his plans to sleep and throws them haphazardly around the station.
Buck’s eyes leave the floor and trace over Eddie’s body. He’s still mostly in his suit; although, his tie is somewhere forgotten and his suit jacket is hanging over his shoulder. Buck finally speaks, but all he has to say is, “Eddie.”
“Buck,” Eddie repeats.
Buck’s voice breaks, “Eddie.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Eddie asks.
“I didn’t know how.”
“You should have told me sooner Buck.”
Buck nearly laughs at the irony, “I’ll remember that next time I decide to interrupt someone’s wedding.”
“You really should have told me sooner Buck.” Eddie announces.
“Why? Wouldn’t have made much of a difference if I did.” Buck answers.
“It would have made all the difference Buck.”
“Stop saying my name,” Buck snaps. “Wait. What?”
“I said it would have made all the difference Buck.”
“How?”
“Because, Buck, I was in love with you too.”
“When?” Buck asks as if he’s shocked someone could love him.
“The whole time.”
“Then, why Ana?”
“Because, I couldn’t spend forever waiting for you to love me back.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
It’s silent for a few seconds. Buck’s whisper breaks the silence, “Do you still?”
“Do I still what?”
“Love me?”
It’s silent for five seconds, twenty seconds, almost a minute. Buck’s heart is starting to THUMPthumpthumpTHUMP again. Then, “Yeah. I still do.”
Buck’s heart fuses back together a little. “Really?”
“Definitely.”
“Good,” Buck smiles. “Wait? What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Eddie deadpans, “Buck.”
“No, really, why didn’t you tell me then?”
“Buck.”
“No, this isn’t all my fa—” Eddie’s hand around the back of Buck’s neck stops him dead in his tracks.
Eddie rolls his eyes, “I really don’t care who’s fault it is Buck.”
Then Eddie’s lips are on Buck’s soft, smooth, and trying to convey that this kiss is something more than I’ve waited forever to do this. And, really, there’s something beautifully heart-stopping about kissing someone you love, someone who is going to stay, someone who knows all your darkest moments but loves you anyway. Buck knows that they’ve got a lot of kissing ahead of them and that he can pull away to breathe, but, honestly, he is perfectly fine being a little breathless if it means kissing Eddie Diaz.