Chapter Text
{Wham! Pop! Whoosh! Thwip!}
[What are you doing?]
{Adding the sound effects! It's making Spidey's fight a lot more entertaining to watch.}
[Just Spidey minus all the baddies he's currently fighting is entertainment in its self.]
{Yeah, you are right. I could watch that ass all day.}
"You damn right I could," Deadpool announces happily as he slugs a chubby baddie in the face, knocking him into a taller baddie against the grime brick wall.
"What was that?" Spider-Man shouts down the alleyway after he finished webbing up a group of five defeated criminals together. It took him a bit of effort to knock them all out, some of them actually had some decent fighting skills and got a few nicks on him, but he totally didn't need Deadpool's help.
Deadpool smiles widely as he sees Spidey strut towards him with sass like Tyra Banks on a runway. The mercenary wolf whistles, "Have you been working out lately? Cause you lookin finer then a drenched Daniel Craig on beach duty."
{I remember when we had to take an emergency duty on a beach once. Sand is surprisingly good to wipe your rear with.}
[Am I the only one to notice that Spidey strutting over was a hallucination?]
"No, but it was a fantastic one, cooler then Betty White doing the dab," Wade replied with a pleased look on his mask covered face.
Spidey chuckles, "You saw that Super Bowl commercial too?" Joining in the merc's conversation, already familiar with him talking to his boxes, and ignoring the fact that he was being hit on.
Them chuckles, man, doesn't the sound of it just melt your cancer filled heart? Makes you want to give up punching the bajesus outta these guys, and snuggle the little spider-bug until he combusts like a pretty pinata. Almost.
"Deadpool! Look out!" His hero says, but little did Spidey know that his buddy-ol-pal was already anticipating their hopeless sneak attack.
The merc pulls out his babies from their holsters, raising his brawny arms behind his dome, shooting Chubs and Mr. DaddyLongLegs directly on their legs. {Should have shot Chubs in the gut instead. Dang it!} The wonderful sounds of shouts and grunts started mingling together, like a perfect fruity cocktail, echoing down the alleyway. It was music to the merc's ears. Spidey took the opportunity to web the baddies mouths, their bodies were webbed together right after. The duo stumbled until they fell down flat on their faces, they struggled like worms to free themselves from the webbed binds—a valueless effort.
Deadpool sighs dreamily, "Too bad we couldn't hear them scream and beg for mercy. These rubbers really are a kill joy."
"We talked about this before, you just have to get use to the bullets," Spidey rolled his eyes under his mask as he drags the two criminals behind him by a tenuous strand of web. "Did you find the bags of money?" He turns his head back at Deadpool as they both walk towards the exit of the dark alley, the lights of vehicles flickering by.
Deadpool talks in a jaunty tone, "Are you kidding me, baby boy? Finding them was child's play." He puts both of his guns away in their holsters.
"I told you not to call me that," Spidey says with a hint of annoyance in his voice. He tugs the web slightly and the duo was tossed into the other group of captured criminals, webbing them all together. The hero turns his body around to face Deadpool, tilting his head to the side, seeming as if he is looking for something that's missing. Deadpool makes a loud squeak like noise when he remembers that he forgot to pick up the money bags.
"Don't over saturate your honey buns. I got this, Webs," the merc assured the squinting spider and gave him a big thumbs up. Spidey folds his arms across his chest as he observes the idiot running towards a dumpster. Deadpool lifts the lid of said dumpster and starts digging inside, moving around unmentionables as he searches for the prize.
"Found them!" Deadpool pulls all three packed, large duffel bags out with one strong grip. The merc ecstatically skips back to Spidey, nearly slipping on questionable liquidity stuff he didn't see. He was too busy making goo-goo eyes at the spider of his dreams. Spider-Man sighs and tried his hardest not to face palm. A small habit he developed after hanging around the insane merc.
{Ugh! You making us look stupid in front of Spidey.}
[What do you mean, "look stupid"?]
"I'm going to return these to the bank," Spider-Man takes the bags from Deadpool and the smaller man looks up at him. "You are going to wait for me at our usual spot," he commands as he points at the merc's bulky chest, "the police should be coming soon to pick up these guys."
"Yes sir!" Deadpool salutes. "Oh! Did ya want some tacos from our favorite cart? {I could eat a whales load of chimichangas right now.} I know you enough that you are just about starving right now, cause I know I am... Nope, there's no chimichangas this time... Probably gonna have twelve tacos, without the cheese, don't want to abuse the poor toilet again... {But I waaaant it.} I may have finally ran out of sensor bars. A man can only hide his junk from the viewers so many times... Shut up!!! I said NO chimichangas! See what you did? You made me say something that I would hate to say... I kidnapped a guy once just so I can have that glorious delicacy whenever I wanted..." the merc paces left and right as he continues to flap his yap non-stop.
Spider-man had already turned away from Deadpool, before the rambling started, thinking about how right on the dot the merc was. His schedule was always fluctuating between meetings for his company, Parker Industries, and being Spider-Man, so it kept him fairly occupied. There were times where Peter had to skip out on lunch to save an old lady from a burning apartment building, an innocent man from getting beat down for everything he owned by a street gang, and sometimes even a scared pet stuck in a tree. Today was one of those days. The last sort of meal he had was in the morning and it was a bagel with cream cheese and coffee. After, it was just random unfulfilling snacks to get him throughout the day. It was now the evening and his stomach was rumbling with a fierce intensity, all thanks to his super fast metabolism. Deadpool sometimes brought food for them to eat after patrols were done. So when the merc offered to buy him some tacos, his first real meal of the day, he didn't want to pass it up.
"Make mines extra spicy," he tells the merc before doing a running start towards the exit.
"Ohh, daring today aren't we?" The merc teases as he stares at Spidey's glutes working it under the tight blue and red spandex.
Peter grins like he won the lottery, "Something like that!" He shouts before shooting his web upwards, and another behind him to bring the cluster of muffled, squawking men with him. Spider-Man takes off with the bags but not before leaving the men dangling safely above the pavement, from a pole in front of the nearby bodega. Within a minute the hero was already swinging halfway down one of the many streets of Manhattan. The adrenaline momentarily let's him forget his hunger as it flows through him when he does a flashy flip, not forgetting to catch the bags he tossed in the air before the flip. Then he dips down with style until he's right above street level, and swings upward once again as he waves back to a few waving bystanders. The spider suddenly feels himself smile genuinely, when he thinks about how much more enjoyable patrolling had become, ever since Deadpool tagged along.
{Do you ever think we would be able to tap that someday?}
[Only in our dreams.]
{Oh what a wonderful place to be. Imagine his pert little ass impaling himself on us, just taking it as he rides it like the sweet little hero he is... Mhmm.}
[As sweet as that sounds you know it's never going to happen.]
{Yeah, we do look like a raw meat version of 'Raisin Brand' that's been cooked inside of a toaster, but without the 'Brand'.}
[What? That doesn't even make sense.]
The boxes mutterings were tuned out, in favor of thinking about how delicious it would really be to see Spidey go all out on him. He can see it right now, how tight he would be for him, begging for Deadpool to fuck him deep. Wade licks his chapped lips, his member was trying to come to life, but his black and red leather suit was keeping it sealed tighter than Phil Swift's FLEX TAPE®. The merc snaps himself out of his naughty thoughts, remembering that he has to be at their rooftop; their comfort zone, their potential make out spot in the future. So he saves those lovely thoughts for the spank bank, so he can please himself later on tonight. Winky wink.
Deadpool runs out of the alleyway and down the sidewalk evading all the walking meat sacks, ignoring the everyday stares of disgust, and enters a different alleyway. This one had a ladder that he could lunge up to and climb his way to the top of the building. When he did he ignored the tiny stings in his caffs from ascending twelve floors non-stop. Deadpool starts running and bounds from rooftop to rooftop like a mad stunt devil. The man makes it seem easy like anybody could pull it off, but in reality it's something that is definitely impossible for a normal human to achieve. Deadpool makes it to his destination in just a few flicks of a quarter, huffing a bit from jumping buildings. But, it was something he was getting use to each time he wanted to catch up with Spidey, to say hi [More like bug him to death.] when they weren't patrolling.
"Alright boys, let's go tango with some tacos," Deadpool says cheerfully, stretching his arms over his head then he scratches his crotch for a second.
{Still thinking about that, huh?}
"Just give it a few minutes and the impurities will be gone before Spidey gets here," Deadpool sighed, not even believing in his own bull crap.
[Just think of something nasty and make a chant out of it.]
{Hulk in a bikini, Hulk in a bikini, Hulk in a bikini, can barely hide his—}
"Yeah, no, don't even finish that thought Yellow," Deadpool said in a displeased voice. He stands at the edge of the rooftop and cocks his head in the direction of the desired taco cart. It was located on the left corner of the street. The mad stunt devil jumps off without a second thought and lands brutally hard on his legs.
"Holy funk monkeys!" Deadpool screeched, but he tries to ignore the extremely painful crunch in his legs. Luckily, he didn't land straight on the sidewalk, landed on the fifth floor. One of his feet is broken, twisted at an odd angle but even with the intense levels of pain he still thinks of his favorite web slinger, at least the pain killed his arousal.
"Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome," he sings Seether's 'Broken' horribly as he jumps down the rest of the way, and limps towards the taco cart, scaring away the frightened civilians.
[Please. Kill me now. He's singing music with sappy emotions in them again.]
{Yup, we have fallen deep in the rabbit hole when it comes to Spidey. But no worries, we could always just end the chapter right here.}
[Just, DO IT!]
