Chapter Text
Jäger lived his entire life reading off the wrong script, forced to improvise yet not quite knowing how to. His uncle noticed it from a young age and soon enough he realised it himself. Simply, he was different. For him life felt like one massive inside joke that everyone knew about except him, every interaction was a matter of trial and error, doing the wrong thing then spending hours pondering what was the right thing to do. If life was an orchestra, he would be playing off the wrong time signature and the wrong key.
School was a train wreck. Kids, being merciless, preyed on his differences. They stole his figurines, hid them and laughed when he wailed, then as they got older, they poked fun at the fact that he had barely any friends and spent a majority of the time with his nose in books, reading about planes and helicopters, whatever intricacy he could find and delve into. Except as he grew older, the kids only became crueller. They found out his uncle was his only guardian and from that point on the wound in Jäger’s heart never seemed to heal. He was the boy with no parents, the weird one, the one no one wanted to be paired with because he was impossible to work with. Life quickly descended into a miserable mess, days of school missed because staying at home in his uncle’s apartment, watching documentaries or reading was much more comfortable than the daily terrorism he received by just existing in school.
His uncle noticed his turmoil. Moving schools helped to an extent but didn’t solve the issue that Jäger couldn’t quite find the rhythm with his peers. His interests weren’t common at all, and the depth he went into them was another story.
Now if one were to ask him who his best friend was, Jäger would say no one, but the hidden truth was that he considered his uncle to be the closest companion he had in life when he was young. He was the one to teach him how to be the bigger man and walk away when his tormentors provoked him, he was the only person in Jäger’s life who would spend the time actually listening to him ramble on about stupid planes and helicopters, the only person who ever encouraged him to continue when he fell quiet realising he had talked for five minutes without even a pause.
Jäger found his heart aching for another fulfilling conversation, it never felt quite right over the phone. They hadn’t talked properly in months, only the occasional text here and there, maybe Jäger would send a photo of a project he was working on and his uncle will always send him a photo of the helicopters from his workplace.
The career he grew into was often lonely. At first joining Rainbow seemed like a dream. They had the funding to support a workshop which was readily available and Jäger was left to his own devices, allowed to make whatever he wished. Yet being away from home, from his remaining family had him isolated. His own teammates, while all kind to him, could never provide him with the same satisfaction. IQ was always sweet to him and he admired her intelligence, Blitz like usual was friendly towards everyone and Bandit often channelled Jäger’s competitive side. Sometimes they stepped on each other’s toes and they never sought each other unless necessary but Jäger trusted Bandit to watch his back.
With an international organisation like Rainbow meant Jäger came in contact with people from all over the world. Different backgrounds, different thinking processes, opinions, all of that. It was easy to cause friction and Jäger sensed this, his unwarranted advice often created hostile silences and it was a bad habit he couldn’t break no matter how many times IQ kindly reminded him butting into conversations isn’t something widely accepted, even if he had well intentions. He had grown too accustomed to being the smart one, the guy who had solutions to whatever was broken and could fix it within a second. Rainbow told him he was only put into a room with many people who could do just that, people who didn’t need his input because they had already figured out those solutions he offered.
When he first met Mute, he found himself intimidated. His British counterpart was much younger, in fact, the youngest out of everyone yet the smartest. He had a mind like no other, saw things in a different light and Jäger was grossly jealous of him, watching how he had developed Vigil’s video disruptor. The device itself was so streamlined, yet designed with complexity. He saw the schematics of the inner workings, from the circuit board to the casing, and while he would never admit it, he thought it was a work of art. Then there was Mute’s signal disruptors, the so-called Moni that he loved so much and spent hours testing out new prototypes. Jäger didn’t think it was impressive, in fact, to him it seemed simple. Yet it was powerful. Any gadget that was remotely controlled were deemed useless when caught within range, drones and surveillance devices were denied and not only had it been used on the field but within Rainbow itself, set up during confidential meetings to prevent information leaking to outside sources.
Their paths never crossed, Jäger was thankful of that. His Magpies never caught Mute’s attention, as their devices were so different that it was like comparing apples to oranges. Jäger much preferred his apples, and Mute was happy with oranges. There was the occasional time Mute drifted to his workbench, eager eyes glancing at what he was doing and a couple questions asking what this did, what that was for, why this was a certain way. Jäger was happy to explain, but did so feeling completely on edge as if he was being scrutinised over his choice of colour in the LEDs, or why he liked to use a combination of red and blue wires in comparison to Mute’s use of black and red.
Instead, Mute raised a brow and carefully picked up the partially assembled inner workings of the device, studying it in closer view. Jäger felt his fists clench at his sides, his jaw tightened uncomfortably as he imagined what would happen if Mute was to drop his work- if he did, Jäger would be tempted to take him out the back and put him down. He didn’t. After inspecting it, Mute put it back down safely. “Your soldering is amazing. I wish I could be that precise,” the younger man had complimented him, offering him a gentle smile.
Baffled for a second, Jäger stared back at him then felt himself grinning, caught off guard. His hand reached for his nape, playing with his hair. “Uh, thanks,” he mumbled and finally felt himself at ease being in the presence of Mute, realising peaceful coexistence was possible and he didn’t have to run miles away from him in fear of judgement, because Mute would never judge him in the way he feared.
Once he had that settled, he had his own inner thoughts to deal with, his own feelings of inadequacy that plagued him. The Magpies were never good enough, it was a matter of time before someone better came along and made a better gadget, by then he would be made redundant and just another soldier that could wield a gun. He had spent countless nights slaving over the numbers, the figures that clouded his head, his eyes, dampened his cheeks and darkened the circles under his weary eyes. It couldn’t get better, not without sacrificing one thing or the other.
He watched time and time again, witnessed it during every training session. The ADS always intercepted two projectiles without fail, yet despite that, Jäger always found his heart sinking at the third flashbang to come. When it came to Fuze’s cluster charges, Jäger knew he would be moody for the rest of the afternoon. It angered him. Not Fuze, definitely not the man himself, but his own device. Even with the possibility of intercepting a third, Jäger knew he would have to make drastic changes.
“It’s balanced,” Fuze had told him when they discussed it over a couple drinks. “Perfectly so. Small, yet it does its job without fail. I don’t see why you are so keen to change it.”
For Jäger, his life was a constant cycle of jumping one hurdle then trying the next without ever taking a moment to pause and think of his achievements. He reflected during that conversation to realise his gadget was rather remarkable even if he didn’t consider it to be. It defied the expectations of his peers and superiors who told, who challenged him that it simply wasn’t possible to build something so small and accurate. He appreciated Fuze for that comment and him as well, how he was always able to see things as they were.
“Your device is not… divine. It cannot do everything, in the same sense I cannot make my cluster charges heat-seeking,” he went on to say, managing to make Jäger chuckle at the terrifying thought of grenades that could sense people via heat signatures. “It’s not possible for it to intercept everything. You could build an ADS that could intercept, say, ten projectiles and still not think it to be good enough because some asshole brought eleven grenades with him. That doesn’t mean the ADS you’ve built isn’t great, in fact, even with your current prototype it is the most spectacular thing I’ve seen. I’m telling the truth, Marius. What I’m trying to say here is that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”
That conversation left Jäger with his heart fluttering, head feeling light and cheeks sore from smiling. He had always considered Fuze one of his close friends he had made at Rainbow, perhaps closer than his own teammates of the GSG9. They could talk about anything, or, Jäger felt he could if he wanted to. Yet they never did. Most conversations were about their hobbies, childhoods, a Netflix series they wanted to share. Part of Jäger wanted to be closer to him, he yearned for the kind of deeper connection he never had with anyone else.
Was this mere friendship he desired?
Jäger never thought about it in that way, not until it came up when he spoke with Bandit. Bandit always felt like a long lost sibling to Jäger, someone who could piss him off and annoy him in every way possible yet he could never find it within himself to even think of hating Bandit. Alike each other, Bandit was as haughty as Jäger prided himself on his smarts. Despite that, Jäger looked up to him as if he was the wiser older brother, even if he thought Bandit wasn’t the brightest bulb amongst them.
“Dude, do you even like girls?” Bandit asked him one evening, cracking open his fifth can of beer while Jäger was nursing his second. “Like I’m not suggesting you’re a fa- I’m not saying you’re gay but like… you’re not very responsive when it comes to girls in general.”
“Of course I like girls,” Jäger had begun, brows furrowed.
“Like who?” A considerable silence followed and Jäger’s mind blanked, he couldn’t think of any woman he knew that he felt attracted to. “Hey, I’m not judging you, man. I like dick myself. I’m just trying to help you out, y’know. Jog your mind.”
Mind churning over the thoughts, grinding out every fine detail, Jäger still couldn’t reach a conclusion. He slugged down his beer, crushed the can and pushed it aside while Bandit slid him over another. “I don’t know,” he said, voice barely a mutter, a dash of embarrassment hidden behind it due to the fact he was genuinely considering this, his attraction- or lack of- towards women. “I mean, I’ve kissed a girl before, if that counts.”
The information piqued Bandit’s interest and he raised a brow, swallowed his mouthful of beer and lips twisted into a nasty smile, the kind that made Jäger wish he kept his mouth shut. “Oh?” His voice was laced with a gross curiosity. “Tell me about it. Tell me how you got a girl to kiss you.”
Jäger recalled the details as if it happened yesterday. “My uncle sent me to this summer camp, for like young people interested in STEM careers. It was some science thing, lots of math and learning… I actually had a really good time-“ he paused, realising he had gone off a tangent. Oddly enough, this time Bandit didn’t snap at him to get to the point. “But uh… there was this girl. I can’t remember her name, but she liked me. A lot. We were only on first name basis but she was really interested in me, she talked to me during lunch and sat with me when we were having our evening meal.”
With a snort, Bandit muttered, “that’s cute.”
“We were doing this group activity one day, some outdoors thing to do with engineering and teamwork. During our break, she…” Jäger paused as someone came in and his eyes drifted, tracking Jackal who just entered the room. Patiently, he waited and waited, perhaps in hostile silence, until Jackal realised he had interrupted something and promptly left the break room. “She took me behind the trees and she kissed me. There was a lot of tongue, it was wet… and gross. I didn’t really enjoy it, now that I’m thinking back. And she had braces too, it felt weird.” He hummed under his breath and scratched his stubble, not noticing how entertained Bandit was by his tale. “We kissed for a good thirty seconds, I’d say- or she was kissing me, I didn’t really know what I was doing back then. Someone caught us, they called us out and after that, her friends teased her until she didn’t want a single thing to do with me.”
Seeming concerned now, Bandit furrowed his brows and put a hand on his arm. “Are you okay? Man, that’s fucked up,” he said and trailed off, eyes still studying Jäger’s nonchalance towards it. “You aren’t bothered at all?”
Jäger shook his head. “I’m used to it,” he said with a shrug and reached for another crisp. “I mean, it hurt for a bit. I cried like a bitch but I’m over it, I guess.”
“Right, okay.” Bandit collected his thoughts as he took a sip from his can. “Have you kissed anyone since?” His words were careful, eyes squinted in hopes he wasn’t rubbing salt into a wound he wasn’t aware of.
“Yeah. A couple of times from when you set me up with those girls at the bar, remember?”
“And what did you think of that? Did you like it or were you also grossed out?”
Aside from the fact he was somewhat drunk during those instances, Jäger tried to remember if he enjoyed it. He ended up shrugging again. “I don’t know!” He repeated himself, growing exasperated when Bandit let out a frustrated sigh. “I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t hate it and I didn’t like it either, you know I can’t stand the smell of perfume.”
“Were you even remotely interested in the girls I set you up with?”
There was a pause then Jäger shook his head. “I mean, they all seemed kinda ditsy to me. I’d like someone smart to talk to-“
“You mean someone who understands all your engineering mumbo jumbo?”
“I mean, yeah. That. Talking to someone tends to be more enjoyable if they can follow the conversation, or am I wrong?”
Bandit nodded in agreement then pressed his lips together into a thin line as he thought. “I’m not trying to suggest anything or anyone but that Russian, Fuze or whatever seems like the perfect fit for you. You two are good friends, aren’t you?” His tone was teasing, brows arched in suggestion.
Flushed hot with embarrassment, Jäger fidgeted. “Yeah, Shuhrat and I are pretty good friends,” he mumbled then shook his head. He couldn’t think of any possibility that he was attracted to him, he denied it. “I really don’t know, Dominic. I need time to think.”
Amused, Bandit let off a soft chuckle. “And to think you’re almost forty and you haven’t even considered once in your entire life that you don’t like girls? Jesus Christ…”
Too flustered to retort, Jäger only shot him a dirty look and returned to snacking on the share-bag of crisps, leaving the oddly coloured ones for Bandit to eat.
“Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask,” Bandit then began once more, the classic shit-eating grin he always wore when he taunted him. “Are you a virgin?”
The chair legs screeched along the floor as Jäger stood. “Fuck off,” he muttered back and left with his half-empty beer in hand.
Since then, Jäger held that conversation at the back of his mind and seriously considered it. He spent hours in the workshop, tinkering away at a side project while he reflected upon himself, perhaps too deeply, on the question if he liked men. For quite some time he thought about his own teammates. Obviously to him, he had always seen Bandit to be more of a brotherly figure and had zero attraction to him but after realisation, he saw many attractive qualities in him- his groomed beard, the spark of determination in his eyes, his humour. Then there was Blitz, often described as handsome, a bright smile that could blind and a sculpted body that made him into a human embodiment of a Ken doll. Jäger always chuckled at the thought. His mind trailed onwards to IQ and he adored her as if she was a sibling too, yet found her to be remarkably beautiful.
The more he thought about it, he uncovered some more. With IQ, Jäger always felt content and comfortable. There were no awkward feelings between them, no tension due to underlying thoughts, they got on like two peas in a pod. With Blitz, on the other hand, Jäger found it difficult to connect with him. Perhaps he was distracted by his attractiveness, or intimidated by it, but either way he knew there was something about his teammate that made him retract into his weird, little shell. Simply, he did not see him to be like a sibling like he did with IQ.
Along with his newfound discovery, he found himself staring a little more now. Sometimes at Mute, admiring his boyish and youthful face or at Fuze who was always present at the workbench across from him, brows furrowed in concentration and wearing his tight thermals that hugged his muscles. In the dim light of the workshop, his hair looked almost black, brushed neatly back and styled with a little product. During their break, they moved outside and sat by the open fire-exit and Jäger saw that his hair was actually a deep shade of brown, locks thick and wavy. He hadn’t noticed it until now. His lashes were long, curved and dark, complimenting his inquisitive gaze.
Their eyes met for a brief moment, sending alarms ringing in Jäger’s head to stop drifting and look elsewhere. He sipped on his coffee and almost choked, producing a strangled noise that piqued Fuze’s attention. Fuze chuckled under his breath, withdrawing his gaze back down to the packet of biscuits he was snacking on, then he offered one to Jäger who gladly accepted, not a single word said in the comfortable quietness of the side alley where the afternoon sun could reach them along with a cool breeze on the back of their necks. Jäger chewed and his thoughts churned in his head, his foot drawing circles on the grass and hair ruffling in the wind. Then he shifted on his camping stool and looked towards him.
“You have a girlfriend?” Came the sudden question, escaping from his mouth like a rabid animal on the loose. Of course part of Jäger didn’t mean to ask, but now he did and he was forced to commit to it.
Fuze seemed caught off by the question. When it came to breaking silences Jäger tended to mention something to do with the workshop, a sudden spark of an idea that emerged in his tangled thoughts. There was a pause where Fuze gave him a confused smile. “I had a few in the past,” he answered, voice quiet and tone coy as if it was something he was embarrassed about. “You?”
“Uh, yeah. Something like that as well,” Jäger improvised- no, he lied, because admitting he never had a romantic relationship in his entire life was more embarrassing than having numerous failed ones. He wiped his hands on his jeans and plucked his coffee cup from the ground where it sat on the damp grass. “Wanna go back inside? It’s cold.”
“It’s because you’re so skinny,” Fuze teased him and followed after, a fond smile on his face when Jäger shot him a look.
“Barely,” Jager retorted, almost turning his nose up at the idea that he was slim. He thought of himself to be quite muscular, though, in comparison to Fuze who easily had ten kilos on him, he looked sinewy.
They returned to their workbenches which were adjacent to one another, in perfect distance to maintain a conversation and do their work at the same time, but often they were too absorbed to talk about anything in length. For Jäger he could go hours without human contact or food, working away at whatever gadget he was tinkering with a fervent concentration that was almost like a trance which no one dared- or cared to interrupt. Though Fuze did. Reminders to drink something, he dragged him off for lunch or dinner, suggested breaks when he knew Jäger was on edge due to one thing not working or the other. Those simple actions told Jäger that they weren’t merely colleagues but friends and after some thought he found himself left with warm feelings bubbling in his stomach, tingling at the ends of his fingers. Fuze cared about him and there was nothing more thrilling than that.
Downtime at the base wasn’t always spent doing productive things. While everyone got their paperwork done, attended training, maintained their fitness, there were times when base became a recreational place where a number of bored adults were cooped up in. For Bandit he spent ridiculous amounts of times taking the keycaps off Jäger’s keyboard and rearranging them to spell an immature message or attacking the fridge in the break room to see whose lunch looked the tastiest. Everyone knew Thatcher always snuck a game of Candy Crush during his breaks and it was rare to see Dokkaebi not playing games on her laptop.
That dreary morning, Jäger signed in to his desktop and looked down at his keyboard to see that Bandit had rearranged the keys to spell ‘gay’ And with a roll of the eyes, Jäger pretended he never even saw it. He responded to a few emails then opened up the blueprints of a recent project to make adjustments. A good hour had passed before he was interrupted.
“Marius, are you busy?” IQ’s voice asked from several feet away from where she worked. He paused and looked over. “You think you could give me a hand?”
Curious he wheeled his chair over to find a small bottle of nail polish opened on her desk. She had painted her left fingernails, presumably wanted him to paint her right nails. From experiences before, the both of them knew she was terrible at using her non-dominant hand. Seeing as if would be good to take a break, Jäger nodded and picked up the small navy bottle.
“What’s the occasion?” He asked and took her small hand into his grasp, holding it gently. He wiped off the excess polish on the lip of the bottle then began to paint her thumbnail, taking care to fill as close to the edges as possible.
“Nothing, just planned to go for a few drinks tonight with someone and wanted to look nice,” she told him, seeming satisfied by his job so far. He always had a strong conviction to please, and with the added perfectionism the two of them possessed, he knew he would be sat here for the next hour waiting for each layer to dry then finishing off with a top coat. He was never one for sloppy work.
Jäger finished painting over the nail of her pinkie finger then put the brush back into the bottle, twisted it shut and he sat back. IQ looked at her hand and smiled, admiring how the colour complimented her skin tone. For a few seconds, he watched her, fingers fidgeting at the loose threads where his jeans were torn- he ought to get around to repairing or replacing them- and his lips pressed into a thin line. “Monika, can I ask you a personal question?”
Her brow twitched upwards, furrowed slightly in concern and she gave a hum to indicate yes.
“Do you think I’m gay?”
A complete silence had eclipsed the room. The sound of Blitz typing came to an abrupt halt, the white noise which the two of them completely disregarded to be someone else in the room. Jäger watched as IQ’s eyes glanced over his shoulder, then returned back to him and she offered him a little smile. The clock hit five past, precisely three minutes since the last layer. Jäger reached for the bottle of nail varnish and opened it, then took her hand once more. “I… uh, never really thought about it, to be honest with you, Marius,” she told him and studied his concentrated expression while Blitz’s typing resumed, more hurried now to mask the fact he revealed himself to be eavesdropping on their conversation. “If you are, there’s nothing wrong with that. Dom likes men too, everyone is fine with it. Don’t be scared to tell us.”
Her words were carefully selected yet reassuring. “I don’t know yet,” Jäger murmured back as he dipped the brush into the bottle. “We talked about it, I’ve just been thinking. Do I… seem like it?”
He paused to look at her and it seemed the question was quite the challenge. For a second her expression seemed to indicate yes, then no, and then she seemed completely unsure. “Maybe? I mean, I used to think you liked Emma when you worked with her on those drone projects,” she said and brought Jäger’s mind back to the failed prototypes and attempts at new gadgets, the countless hours the many brains of Rainbow spent trying to make their dreams of invisible, flying drones a reality. He smiled in amusement, while he liked Twitch and her creativity, he never saw her in a romantic or sexual manner. “But overall you’ve never shown much interest in women, nor men so I’ve never had any suspicions that you were gay.”
Jäger gave a shrug and considered her response. It was true, he never had eyes for anyone else and spent most of his time hidden away, playing with intricate mechanisms rather than socialising- and when he was he was likely sticking to the people he knew and were comfortable with, people he merely saw as colleagues and friends. The only individual that stood out to him was Fuze, someone who he looked forward to seeing, someone who understood his mind, his language and held the same enthusiasm when it came to their shared hobbies. There was something more he yearned for, perhaps it was the physical intimacy of being with him, being loved, but a gut feeling told him that most friends didn’t feel this way about one another, he wasn’t sure if regular friends enjoyed each other’s presence so much as if they were destined to be together.
Along with Jäger’s curiosity of being loved, he knew he would rather have no one else than Fuze. At the same time, his newfound attraction to the other man came with fears of rejection. He didn’t want to lose a friend, not a friend who connected with him so deeply. It pained his heart to think what would happen if Fuze became repulsed by his attraction, Jäger wasn’t sure if the risk was worth it.
The sound of the door squeaking on its hinges derailed his train of thought. He was applying topcoat when Bandit entered, eyes narrowed from weariness and he appeared to be wearing the same clothes from yesterday. Hungover, tired and cranky or not, it never prevented him from being the cheeky bastard he always was. His shifty gaze caught Jäger painting IQ’s nails with an uncanny concentration, and immediately he smirked.
“Do me next, Marius?” He asked teasingly with a chuckle and he sat down on Jäger’s chair, knowing how it bothered him when others snooped around his work. Jäger turned to look at him as he screwed the bottle shut, brows furrowed in disapprovement. “How’d you like that message I gave you?”
Standing now, Jäger cocked his eyebrow and grasped the back of the chair, wheeled Bandit back before he could start typing and messing up his documents. “Mike’s gonna have to talk to you again about workplace harassment, hm?” He asked imposingly. “Or should I go to Six about it?”
Feigning innocence, Bandit blinked up at him. “What? It’s only the truth.”