Chapter Text
Maybe it was the effect of the booze.
Or maybe because the mood in the bar was just too good and the acoustic band was singing their rendition of LANY’s ILYSB—his and Minhyun’s favorite song—as they urged the couples in the bar to share a kiss.
Or better yet, maybe it was because of the expectant megawatt smile that Minhyun’s mother was giving him as she motioned for them to kiss.
But Jonghyun knew that it wasn’t any of those.
And in fact, it was because of Minhyun and his beautiful smile that Jonghyun missed so much.
“You don’t have to do this,” Minhyun murmured as Jonghyun leaned closer to him.
“I know, but,” Jonghyun smiled lazily at Minhyun and caressed his cheek.
“‘But’?”
“But, it’s okay,” Jonghyun smiled, inclining his head as he dipped lower. He left the part where he wanted this—wanted to kiss Minhyun so much—ever since they arrived at the bar.
It was a weird feeling. The unwavering urge of him to want this again.
He didn’t know where it began, nor when it started to take over him.
Was it when they arrived and he saw Minhyun hum and smile as he watched the live band?
Was it during the first hour that they were here? How Minhyun never pulled his hand away from his hold?
Or was it the longing in Minhyun’s eyes when he came back after answering a call?
There were a lot of reasons, a lot of excuses that Jonghyun could list down, and he knew that despite them, there’s this part of him screaming for him to stop.
But how could he? Not when Minhyun was like this. Not when he watched Minhyun slowly closing his eyes, not faltering nor wavering as he inched closer and closer until their lips touched.
Later, when he’s sober and not intoxicated with the bar’s mood, Jonghyun was sure he’ll regret this.
But for now, as he felt Minhyun hand pulling him closer, with the bar whooping and egging them as Minhyun’s mother smiled at them lovingly—he’ll enjoy this.
Just for now.
“I missed you,” Jonghyun murmured against Minhyun’s lips, snaking his arm on his ex-boyfriend’s shoulder.
“I missed you, too,” Minhyun mumbled back. And Jonghyun couldn’t control the bright smile that was making its way on his face.
For now. He’ll enjoy this.
* * * * *
Regrets.
Regrets came in as the realization of the gravity of what he had done hit him like a ten-ton truck.
And if Jonghyun thought they could just pretend that the kiss didn’t happen, or maybe put in a box with a label ‘things to forget forever’, he thought wrong.
And with that knowing smile on Minhyun’s mother’s face?
Hell—he really thought wrong.
“I had a great time, boys,” Minhyun’s mother said with a teasing smile, ignoring how the two men seemed so embarrassed and uncomfortable with each other. She gave them pecks on the cheeks and grinned, before heading to her room. “I’ll sleep now, so don’t mind me and just continue with—”
“Ma—no,” Minhyun groaned, embarrassed of what had happened earlier. He immediately headed to his room.
“Always so modest, isn’t he?” Minhyun’s mother chuckled, staring at her son. She turned to Jonghyun and noticed that he was blushing beet red, and couldn’t help but giggle at that. “I guess you’re just the same,” she said, before grinning at Jonghyun and motioning for him to go. “I’ll wear headphones, so do your thing.”
“Eomma—” Jonghyun cut off, about to correct Minhyun’s mother, that she didn’t need to do that and that she got it all wrong. But all he got instead was a wave of good night, before she closed the door to his face.
“Goodnight, you two!” Minhyun’s mother teasingly yelled in the guest room, which only made Minhyun groan loudly and bury his face in his hands.
Groaning, Jonghyun took a deep breath and sighed. There’s nothing he could do. It was done. They kissed. And that’s that. He could play pretend, act like nothing’s wrong and Minhyun could remain bothered all night long.
Yup. He could do that.
Definite—
“Why did you do that?” Minhyun asked as soon as he heard Jonghyun stepping inside his room. He heard the door of his room close, then the click of the lock and he instantly turned to Jonghyun in panic. “Don’t lock the doo—”
“I’d rather lock it and sleep without worrying about your mother checking on us, thank you very much,” he blurted, fumbling on the buttons of his shirt.
“Why are you removing your shirt?!” Minhyun asked in a high-pitched voice, staring at Jonghyun in alarm.
Okay, maybe pretending that nothing happened and ignoring how bothered and now panicking Minhyun was, was really harder than he thought.
With a sigh, he turned to Minhyun.
“Okay, let’s talk about what happened at the bar,” he began, facing Minhyun, who’s looking at him as if he just grew another head. “It’s just a kiss, Minhyun, part of our little agreement, remember?” he reminded, voice low to make sure Minhyun’s mother wouldn’t hear it.
It was a total lie. The kiss wasn’t part of their agreement. It was too personal. Too true. Too real. And it was obvious in the way Minhyun blinked at him, as if he just couldn’t believe what he had just said. Especially when the weird blinking has now turned into anger as his ex-boyfriend glared at him.
“‘Part of our little agreement’?” Minhyun seethed, standing and walking towards Jonghyun with fury. “Let me just remind you that you told me that french kissing wasn’t part of our—”
“On your part,” Jonghyun corrected gently, hoping to save himself from his furious ex as he took a couple of steps back. “On your part, tongues aren’t allowed but I never said that I wasn’t allowed to—”
“Oh fuck that, Jonghyun!” Minhyun all but screamed.
Jonghyun winced. Despite the countless arguments they had when they were still dating, Minhyun never raised his voice at him in anger. Hell, that was him. And obviously, it’s not only him that heard it. The three loud knocks on the wall coming from the guest room obviously told them that Minhyun’s mother heard it loud and clear.
He heard Minhyun exasperatedly sigh as he faced him again. And this time, he felt like some cornered puppy left out on the street.
“Why did you do it?” Minhyun gently asked this time. “And don’t give me that shitty excuse that this is all business, Jonghyun—because I know it wasn’t.”
“I—” Jonghyun bit his lip and looked away from Minhyun’s stare, which told him that lying and pretending wouldn’t end this conversation.
“We were drinking, Minhyun. It’s just me getting carried away by the mood—”
“You said you missed me,” Minhyun murmured, cutting him off and staring at him as if he was torn between wanting to know what’s really happening between the two of them or not. “You told me you missed me, Jonghyun.”
And it was the expression on Minhyun’s face that made him falter from his plans of lying. “I did.”
“Why?” Minhyun asked. “Why did you tell me that, Jonghyun?”
It was painfully obvious why he did. But of course with Minhyun, you have to say it directly. “Why? Can’t I tell you that I miss you when I miss you?” he asked instead. Jonghyun saw the pain in Minhyun’s face before his ex-boyfriend looked away.
“We broke up,” Minhyun stated and somehow, hearing Minhyun telling him that hurt.
“I know.”
“Then let’s keep it that way,” Minhyun answered in a whisper, not looking at him and heading straight to his bathroom.
Jonghyun watched as the bathroom door closed shut and it hurt.
It hurt a lot.
* * * * *
“Breathe, Minhyun,” he said to himself, staring at his reflection in the mirror.
It’s been an hour since he locked himself in his bathroom, and for the last hour, he still hasn’t calmed down. In fact, it only grew worse, and the more he stayed here, the more he wanted to go back to Jonghyun and take back what he said.
It was stupid—him feeling this way all because Jonghyun kissed him. And even though there’s a lot of excuse running on his mind, screaming and telling him a bunch of what ifs if he stopped being a coward and faced whatever this confusing thing that’s going between them—a part of him, the one that seemed to be sane and level-headed, told him not to do so.
After all, their story was done.
They’re doing well, living just fine without each other, and even if he realized that their break-up wasn’t Jonghyun’s fault and he had as much fault in it, still—it’s better now.
He doesn’t want to pull Jonghyun back in his life and make him suffer like he did when they were still dating.
That would be too unfair for Jonghyun.
“I missed you.”
Minhyun clenched his fists tightly as Jonghyun’s words echoed in his mind again. It was too warm, too sincere, and it hurt. It hurt as much as staying here and stopping himself from doing anything when all he wanted to do was go to Jonghyun, hug him tightly and tell him to stay.
Tell him that this time, he’ll be better.
That this time, he’ll listen and read between the lines.
And that this time, he won’t let him go again.
He stared at his reflection and chuckled bitterly at his expression.
He’s a fucking mess.
He heard a soft thud on the other side of the door and was about to check what happened when he heard Jonghyun sigh.
“Minhyun-ah,” he heard Jonghyun gently say. “You’re still alive in there, right?”
A small smile made its way on Minhyun’s face as he took a step closer to the door. “I am,” he answered, taking a seat on the floor and leaning his head back against the door.
“Good,” Jonghyun mumbled. “This feels like dejavu, don’t you think?”
“It is,” Minhyun chuckled and nodded, forgetting the fact that Jonghyun couldn’t see him. Then again, he knew that even if he were on the opposite side of the door, Jonghyun knew. Just like how he knew Jonghyun was smiling with his lazy smile as he stared at the ceiling of the once dim-lit room they shared.
“About earlier . . .” Jonghyun began, “I—I meant it, when I said I missed you.”
“I know,” he answered with a sigh. “And I meant it too.”
“The part where you told me to leave things in the past or how you missed me too?” Jonghyun asked with a chuckle, but Minhyun knew that if he were in front of him, he wouldn’t really be laughing or smiling. Jonghyun, being Kim Jonghyun, would be staring far ahead, thumb unconsciously pinching his forefinger as he waited for his answer.
“Both,” Minhyun answered with a sigh. “I meant both.”
“Great,” Jonghyun dryly muttered on the other side of the door. “Just great.”
“I meant that in a good way, Jonghyun,” he whispered.
“I really don’t see the good in it,” Jonghyun answered back, and Minhyun didn’t miss the bitterness in his tone. Biting his lip, he took a deep breath, and stood, opening the bathroom door. Deciding it’s better for them to talk face to face, rather than be like this again and second guess whatever they think what’s going on inside each other’s heads.
“Ow—you should have at least warn me that you’re going to open the doo—”
“I meant it as a good way, meaning I’m happy for you and I don’t want to ruin your life anymore by asking you to stay just because you kissed me and told me that you missed me,” he said without pause. Jonghyun looked at him with his mouth hanging open before reverting his expression to a warm and understanding smile.
“Who told you that you ruined my life?”
“Me, obviously,” he murmured bitterly, reaching for Jonghyun’s hand and helping him to stand up. “I don’t want you adjusting your life to me anymore, Jonghyun. You can do so much more than that and you’re better off without me.”
“Did you think of all of these when you locked yourself in the bathroom?” Jonghyun teased instead.
“I’m being serious, Jonghyun.”
“And so am I,” Jonghyun said, pulling Minhyun and sitting him on the bed. He reached for Minhyun’s cheek and caressed it with his thumb. “You didn’t ruin my life, Hyun-ah. You never did.” Jonghyun smiled at him. “Just because things ended like that between us, doesn’t mean that you did, and just because I chose not to pursue my dreams in gaming, just like yours with your musical acting, doesn’t mean I wasted my life.”
Jonghyun took a deep breath and sighed. “Besides, I wasn’t exactly a good boyfriend, you know. I yelled at you, told you to get your shit together even when I know that I shouldn’t. I should have understood and supported you a hundred percent with your dreams, instead of nagging you to be practical.”
“But you did that because you’re worried for our future—”
“I did,” Jonghyun cut off, staring at him with a sincere smile. “But I didn’t need to be an ass about it.”
“But still,” Minhyun murmured, staring at Jonghyun guiltily. “If I had helped, if I had only listened to you, then you wouldn’t act that way. You didn’t have to work alone and we could do both.”
“Maybe, maybe not, but it’s already done, it already happened,” Jonghyun said with a smile as he took a seat next to Minhyun. He reached for Minhyun’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m thankful that weirdly, you’re realizing things now, even if it’s a year late,” Jonghyun paused and grinned goodheartedly at Minhyun. “But I want you to know and understand that the breakup and me not doing the things I wanted before wasn’t your fault.”
“Sure, our breakup may be partially your fault, but me not following my dream wasn’t, Hyun-ah,” Jonghyun said. “Like I said, it was my choice that time, and I’m sorry for putting pressure on you and telling you to be practical and be like me.”
“You’re right about that, though,” Minhyun sighed. “I mean, I’m happy that I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do, but if I’m still with you, we’re probably going to go hungry by now.”
“But you’re happy, right?” Jonghyun asked and Minhyun nodded. “Then it’s okay. That’s the most important thing anyway.”
“Even if we go hungry?” Minhyun joked.
“Yup,” Jonghyun chuckled and nodded. “I’m sure if we’re still together, I would find a way.”
“Like this business of yours?”
“Probably not,” Jonghyun grinned before gazing at Minhyun with a warm and sincere smile. “But jokes aside, I’m proud of you, Minhyun-ah. You’re doing great. Especially as Fersen, though I wish you didn’t do that kissing—”
“Wait, what?” Minhyun asked, surprised that Jonghyun knew his last musical. “Did you watch my musical?”
“Of course. How can I miss your first musical lead?”
“Then why didn’t you visit me backstage? Or at least text me that you were there?”
“The same reason why you kept asking Minki about updates about me behind my back,” Jonghyun answered with a whimsical smile.
“I told Minki not to tell you,” Minhyun muttered, slightly embarrassed.
“He’s my best friend, Hyun-ah, of course he would tell me,” Jonghyun replied, pinching Minhyun’s cheek.
“That hurts, you know,” Minhyun muttered, staring at Jonghyun who was smiling at him.
“Sorry, can’t help it,” Jonghyun commented with a grin, pinching Minhyun’s cheeks one more time before gently caressing it. “Your cheeks are just too cute and squishable.”
“Thanks,” Minhyun murmured halfheartedly, before sighing. “So what now?”
“Now,” Jonghyun repeated, caressing Minhyun’s cheek before staring straight into his eyes. “It’s time to sleep.”
“Just like that?” Minhyun asked, confused. He thought that with all the talk that they had—well, he wasn’t saying that he wanted to go back to how they were before when they were still together—but that doesn’t mean that Jonghyun could just expect him to sleep like a child when they talked about a bunch of things.
“Yep, just like that,” Jonghyun grinned, standing and pulling Minhyun to lie down on the bed. He lied down next to Minhyun, who was still looking at him confused, and smiled. “I understand what you’re trying to say about how we should leave things the way they are,” he started, fixing Minhyun’s hair. “And I agree. I’m not saying that I don’t want to date you again, Minhyun—because that would be me lying—but I’m more happy and satisfied that we’re like this now, finally talking and understanding each other.”
“Yeah, but after a year,” Minhyun bitterly said.
“It’s better than none.” Jonghyun said, leaning close to Minhyun and placing a chaste kiss on his forehead. “Thank you for today, Hyun-ah. I had a great time.”
Minhyun nodded and smiled. Understanding everything that Jonghyun left hanging and the words he didn’t need to say.
And it was nice.
It was nice and it felt good, understanding Jonghyun through his sweet and warm gestures rather than hearing him say it.
It was enough.
Yes—they may not be back as a couple, but Minhyun knew that they will always have each other.
“I had a great time too, Jonghyun. Goodnight.”
* * * * *
“Pabo,” Jonghyun murmured, fingers gently tracing the curve of Minhyun’s nose. A chuckle escaped his lips when his ex-boyfriend scrunched up his face.Jonghyun tried his best not to coo at that.
Hwang Minhyun had always been adorable.
Remarkably and irrevocably, adorable and beautiful.
“Beautiful pabo,” he whispered with a smile, caressing Minhyun’s cheek.
Call him whipped and all, but that’s just Minhyun’s effect on him. And everyone knew that. Well, minus his ex-boyfriend, himself.
It was stupid, to be honest. Jonghyun didn’t even know why Minhyun was so oblivious, but then again, he guessed that was his charm. The reason why he fell head over heels in love with him.
And it felt good. It felt so good that now he could say that and admit it instead of hiding and putting those feelings in a small little box.
That was his problem anyway. Admitting his true feelings and being true to himself. He fixed the stray hair out of Minhyun’s face and smiled. Realizing that it’s Minhyun again who made him face things.
Last night, when they talked, it made him realize that maybe him choosing to be practical was just him lying to himself.
Sure, he didn’t feel bad for not choosing his dream and saving money for his future. But until when would he do this?
Obviously, he wasn’t happy.
And a lot of times, he envied Minhyun for being happy in pursuing his dream.
To be honest, that was the only reason why he stopped himself from coming back when he left Minhyun.
He didn’t want to stop him.
He didn’t want Minhyun to be like him.
Too practical. Too money driven.
And somehow, a little too lonely.
And by the way Minhyun brightly shone in his musical, he knew he had made the right choice of not coming back.
Though now, with all these realizations, he wondered if it’ll be different.
“You’re staring at me,” Minhyun said in a hoarse voice.
“Obviously, unless you’re a ghost,” Jonghyun chuckled and pinched Minhyun’s cheek. “Are you finally awake now?”
“Obviously,” Minhyun murmured, lying on his back and stretching his arms.
“Good, because Eomma made pancakes,” Jonghyun beamed, sitting up.
“Hope she put strawberries in it.”
“Hopefully,” Jonghyun mused, he stood and pulled Minhyun by the hand with a smile. “Good morning, by the way, my fake-boyfriend.”
Minhyun laughed. “Good morning, too, fake-boyfriend.”
* * * * *
“You know, I’m still wondering why you never told your parents that we broke up,” Jonghyun said as he waved his hand goodbye to Minhyun’s mother.
“You’ve seen how broken up she was with Noona and Aron-hyung’s,” he muttered, smiling at his mother before she turned away and went inside KTX. “How do you expect me to tell them then?”
“Point taken,” Jonghyun nodded before snickering bitterly. “But I guess it doesn’t matter if you tell your sister, huh?”
Minhyun glanced back at Jonghyun and looked at him dumbfoundedly. “I never told Sujin-noona though?”
“Then I guess I was just dreaming when I saw her drunkenly pulling my hair as she cursed me about how I’ve hurt her poor precious Minhyunnie.”
“She did that?” Minhyun asked, surprised and torn between smacking his older sister for her actions and thanking her.
“Like I said, it might just be me dreaming,” Jonghyun snickered, offering his hand to Minhyun. His ex-boyfriend looked at him, confused, and Jonghyun rolled his eyes before clutching Minhyun’s hand.
“What’s this now? A handshake?”
“What else, dummy,” Jonghyun commented, shaking his head in amusement before staring at Minhyun sincerely. “I had a great time with you and your mum this weekend. Though I hope next time it won't be a last-minute notice.”
“Are you telling me to call you again in case they show up?” Minhyun asked with a knowing grin.
“Maybe, maybe not,” Jonghyun grinned back. “I meant it. Thank you.”
“And thank you as well,” Minhyun replied with a smile. He glanced at their hands, and bit his lip. “So, uh—I guess this is it, huh?”
“Not really, you still have to give me the payment for my services.”
“Oh wait,” Minhyun let go of Jonghyun’s hand and reached for his wallet. Smiling awkwardly, he turned to Jonghyun. He didn’t know asking Jonghyun how much his talent fee was would be so awkward. “Uh, how much is it?”
Jonghyun placed his hand on Minhyun’s hand and shook his head. “It depends on how much the cost of a dinner at Wolfgang’s Steakhouse.”
“That’s freaking expens—wait, are you asking me out on a date?”
“I don’t know, Minhyun. Am I?” Jonghyun asked with a playful smirk, which only made Minhyun laugh.
“Touché,” Minhyun grinned. “Guess I’ll see you when I get my paycheck then.”
Jonghyun smiled. And Minhyun loved how this time, it wasn’t playful or teasing.
It’s just Jonghyun's bright and warm smile, the one that made Minhyun’s heart flutter over and over again.
“Guess you will.”
* * * * *
Epilogue
“Just a minute,” Minhyun fumbled with his shirt as he hurriedly walked towards his apartment door. It’s only six-o-eight in the morning, yet someone uninvited was already ringing his doorbell as if it were a matter of life and death. “God—this better be an—” Minhyun paused, feeling a weird sense of dejavu as he opened the door.
“Eommonie,” Minhyun gasped as Jonghyun's mother threw her arms around him.
"Hi, my beautiful son!" she greeted. She then pushed Minhyun at arms' length and eyed him mischievously. "Now where's my problematic biological son?"
“Dead.”