Chapter Text
Clavicular was still sober, in terms of the drug he was seeking anyway. He felt the world slow around him instead of speeding up — he could hear his every thought. The two ended up smoking a joint on the front porch instead of snorting cocaine like he wanted. He didn’t know why he didn’t push for his side further.
…
“Yeah sure I’m down to smoke weed.”
Cookie ran his fingers through his hair, scratching the top of his scalp.
“What? No. Like coke.”
He felt his lips push up as he got more tired.
“You serious? You know I don’t do that stuff. Ask someone else.”
Cookie’s eyes hardened and his presence felt ever imposing over him. It always induced whiplash whenever the other would be against him on something.
“Couldn’t you just stay with me while I get high then?”
The ensuing silence reminded Clavicular that, Cookie too, had things he wouldn’t put up with from him.
…
Clavicular didn’t really feel awkward per se following Cookie’s blatant refusal. Maybe a bit anxious shown in the way he couldn’t help tapping his fingers against his knee. His mind hadn’t been this slowed in so long, he wondered if he could compensate it by physically moving faster. His fingers went back and forth with the rough texture of his denim; like first time lovers that couldn’t make up their mind.
Cookie rested his hand firmly atop his, the weight stopping his hand flat against his jeans.
“Trying to rush through the high or what?”
Cookie had said it lightly, teasingly even, but to Clav it just seemed as if all the two did lately was be passive aggressive.
“I can’t shake my finger now?” Clavicular kissed his teeth.
He didn’t push Cookie’s hand off, just made a show of leaning back against the chair and kicking his feet out.
“What the fuck.”
Cookie snatched his hand back and shifted his body to look him in the eyes.
“What?”
“Dude I’ve been trying to get around your tantrums all night don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
Clavicular looked at him bewildered as he subconsciously brought his elbows closer to himself.
“No, I actually don’t know what you’re on about.”
He didn’t know if this was the moment Cookie would actually pick a fight with him for the first time. Over what even he had no clue. Alright, maybe the slightest clue.
“You fucking asked me to do coke with you and when I said no you told me to watch. Like I’m some cocaine-cuck! Now you’re getting irritated over nothing because of it?”
“I got fucking pissed on cut me some slack!”
“You mean he threw up on you?? Which I cleaned! Whilst you sat like a princess! That is me cutting you slack.”
Clavicular pushed himself up, stumbling onto two feet. He ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to steady himself enough to leave.
“Fuck you-“
He barely managed to get the words out as he felt Cookies fingers grip onto the waist of his jeans and drag him back into the crappy patio seat. Feeling the wind knock out of his chest, he gasped in surprise.
How Cookie managed that eating mostly egg whites the past month? He’ll never know.
Cookie popped his lips in surprise, leaning over to make sure Clav hadn’t dislocated his hip or something.
“What the hell, why’d you come down so fast!”
Clavicular scrunched his face up at that.
“You pushed me down!”
He paused, reconsidering his words. Was saying that kind of gay or was the fact that he was contemplating the homosexual undertones of the phrasing make it gay?
“Pulled. I meant pulled.”
Cookie squinted at that and raised his eyebrow.
Okay, maybe it wasn’t so different that he needed to clarify. Fuck he was high.
The other dragged his hand down his face and sighed.
“You’re gonna get pimples if you do that.”
Following his stupid remark, neither of them deemed talking a necessity after the awkward scuffle. Clavicular didn’t mind. They had come to get high and feel some fresh air. Both of which they were doing just fine.
For some reason however, Clavicular found his head filled with silly thoughts. Maybe if they tried to listen hard enough, over distant music and through the faint cold breeze, they would be able to hear each other’s thoughts. Unfiltered by the tongue. Clavicular took the time, since he was forced to sit, to think. His head hadn’t been so slow and quiet in a long time. It was the type of high where you wondered over things that seemed like second nature and you would have to repeat the question to yourself over and over again before you can even begin to look for an answer. Of course you’d have to explain the answer to yourself, which you would then find it ridiculous what you were even curious about in the first place. Or maybe his time on the opposing spectrum of substances had decayed his ability to sit with himself in silence.
He looked over at Cookie, who had continued to stay silent. Not quite stubborn but as if he had nothing to say to him. When had the other become so comfortable in being silent when they were together? Unlike the years they’ve known each other, it felt as if lately, he was the one chattering some nonsense and Cookie would snort something in response. Clavicular was never the best at talking, his online documentations of self-imposed mutism was proof of that. He couldn’t grasp why Cookie had begun to listen and he had begun to talk, albeit very poorly.
Maybe he had decided to reserve his words for the camera and along the way deemed Clavicular unfit to hear his thoughts. What if Cookie’s trying to reinvent a ‘cool guy’ persona? So many things it could be. Or perhaps he’s given this too much thought under the haze of a substance riddled mind. For all he knew, Cookie’s head had stopped functioning in his under-eating and he was simply too tired to chatter. His mouth seemed to continue his last thought.
“I thought being fat was a part of your internet personality, why’d you start losing weight?”
Clav watched as Cookie blinked his eyes over the glaze that had formed, tuning into their conversation.
“What’re you on about?” Cookie said with a sigh.
“Y’know you weren’t into looksmaxxing or the gym. Okay maybe you still aren’t into the gym, but I swear so much of your content was centred around remaining how you were. Like, you know you talking about your shows n’ stuff. While being fat. And funny.”
His mouth couldn’t really catch up with his brain, he honestly didn’t even know what his question was.
Cookie parted his lips and gave him a look of befuddlement. Borderline stink eye.
“Was I just supposed to be chopped forever?”
“I thought you didn’t care about that. Wait, what? Chopped?”
His brain felt like it was being compressed by a three-hundred pound dumbbell as he tried to navigate this conversation. Judging from the way Cookie’s face contorted to his response, maybe it was. Did he make it sound like he agreed that he was ugly?
“I’m surprised you’re asking me that. I thought you were all for self improvement, no?”
“Yeah but that’s like, not the same. I don’t know, what I’m saying makes sense in my head. It’s good you’ve been sticking it out, but like, what you had was working for you, you know?”
He should just shut up honestly.
“Listen, I probably won’t get as far as like, you or Zeta, but isn’t it good to change what I can? Besides, your whole shtick is preaching stuff like that, I was bound to lock in at some point.” said Cookie thoughtfully.
Clavicular couldn’t tell if he was misconstruing Cookies words in his head. He just found himself circling to one spot and against his better judgement he spoke.
“Did you start losing weight because of me?”
He had said it fast, without thinking. It didn’t feel like a weighted question or like the answer would be either. He sells courses, of course people do things like this because of him. However the absence of the words that left his mouth somehow felt heavy in his throat as he waited for an answer.
Cookie let his chin hit his shoulder as he turned in his chair to look at him. His wide brown eyes blinking in his otherwise unmoving face.
The wind began to pick up, its audible whirls causing his gut to twist. He had always spent too much time in his own head, not looking at the things around him. Even now it felt like he was thinking more than he could hear. For the first time in so long, he felt like a glaze lifted from over his brain. He felt his eyes open, wide and red, as he sat there waiting for a response. Just as he debated pretending to have never asked such a question, as he felt himself retreat from the moment, a harsh sound spiked his ears.
Cookie threw his head back in such audacious and uncontrollable laughter that Clavicular immediately felt embarrassed that he had even considered such a possibility.
“Listen you’re my closest friend and all but I’d rather not starve to death for you if it wasn’t an ultimatum. I decided myself.”
He hadn’t seen Cookie express this much glee in so long, he couldn’t even recognize it. Is this what he had always looked like? When his face would mush together as he laughed that is. Even his response made the sentence sound strange and awkwardly formed to Claviculars ears. The confirmation should’ve brought a breath of relief, it did a bit, but he felt a bit unsettled regardless. Is it because he struggled with talking to people, or were the words Cookie chose just strung together in poor fashion? Maybe he had just grown apart from the other and he just wasn’t used to the way he talked anymore. Whatever the reason, it felt like Clavicular grew further from encasing his fingers in what was going through Cookies head and like he had to settle for just intertwining hands instead.
“You must be tired if your head’s cooking up weird thoughts. How much longer till they decide to go home? They don’t even notice we aren’t at the party we are hosting.”
Cookie tried to stifle a giggle as he spoke, ending with kissing his teeth and rolling his eyes.
Clavicular felt himself ease at the subdued version of his earlier laugh. Cookie was right, this party went on for so long and he wasn’t even part of it. Besides, he found himself more and more uncomfortable as the night went on. He closed his eyes and imagined his shoulders loosening and that weird tingle in his spine whenever he got ready for bed. The thought of cleansing his mind and waking up to a new day sounded all too appealing.
“I want them to leave too.”
The edges of cookies lips curved, the sharp outline of his teeth peeking through a gummy smile. He looked so mischievous Clavicular couldn’t help himself in smiling too.
“Should we call the cops and get it shut down?”
“On our own party?” Clavicular asked incredulously.
“Yeah, we’ll say the noise is so loud it’s causing the walls to shake. That the people are spilling out onto my property, god why are there so many in such a crammed space! Don’t they need a permit for that? God! You have to come quick, they’re stumbling onto my property and ruining my fresh daisies!”
As Cookie’s voice droned on in mocking out a fake police complaint, Clavicular felt his cheeks hurt from how bad he couldn’t stop giggling. He felt pure glee in seeing his closest person after so long. It almost felt like a gift for how terrible he’s been feeling lately.
Clavicular fumbled his fingers through his pocket, pulling his phone out as he thumbed through the numbers.
“Okay! Okay! I’ll call, you talk!”
Cookie grinned with all his teeth right back at him, his eyes wide. Clavicular felt as if he should spend more time outside his head and looking into the other’s eyes. Even if it unsettled him to see them open when he smiled.