Chapter Text
Ben and James only ended up leaving the library at around 5 o'clock after having completely lost track of time. Getting lost in each other's company would kinda do that though. Ben stood at the foot of the steps, watching as James walked away, the other male occasionally look back with a smile. Once he was finally out of sight, the Englishman was finally able to breathe properly since the butterflies in his stomach had died down a tiny bit.
There was definitely a chemistry between them, an undeniable attraction fizzled just under Ben's skin that had him at risk of spontaneous combustion. No matter how hard he tried to curb it, he'd just end up thinking about the other male; what he was doing at that moment, if he was thinking of Ben too. He made Ben want him in ways he hadn't wanted anyone ever, and he did it all so effortlessly.
That was all well and good, but there was still Christian to think of.
Christian, Ben's best friend that lingered in a dark recess, an afterthought compared to the passionate feelings James roused inside of him. The American was a constant in Ben's life, had been for almost three years, but James was something else entirely. If Christian was the Earth revolving around the Sun, James was the big bang that created something new and filled the void with light.
Ben knew that it would hurt Chris if he walked away from their, well Chris' incredibly ridiculous plan now, but the other male was his friend, a true one at that and the Englishman felt that he would rather have Ben pursue something real with James than have him let it slip through his fingers and have Ben resent him.
It didn't help alleviate the feeling that he was breaking a promise by walking away before they'd seen this through though.
Fuck, why was this so confusing? Why did James have to come in an complicate what was supposed to be something so easy?
And also, why couldn't Mason get his head out of his ass and ask Chris out? Okay so he's throwing an omni-directional tantrum and blaming everyone else for his predicament but the point stands. If the two of them had gotten their shit together sooner, Ben would've been off the hook and he wouldn't be carrying this heavy cross right now.
The Englishman sighed defeatedly, rubbing at his eyes tiredly as he moved to take a seat on the bench under the tree across the walkway. His mind was already made up. It made sense to end the farce before it went too far. Of course now it was all about breaking the news to Chris. That was the part he really dreaded right now. He'd have to watch Chris' usually bright smile slowly fall from his lips as the light in his eyes dimmed. Ben knew that he would try to reassure him that it was alright and that he understood but the hurt in voice would hurt more than a piece of rebar protruding from his chest.
Ben could now honestly relate to what Chris was feeling. The intense emotions that caused his mild case of insanity and made him believe he needed to pretend to be in a fake relationship with his best friend just so he could boost his self-esteem.
But Chris... he's a great guy, and he sure as hell didn't need to make himself seem more desirable by fooling people into thinking he was already taken. If Mason had gotten to know him, really know him and not just the persona Chris wanted everyone else to see, then Ben is sure something beautiful and real could have come out of that.
Ben's phone starts ringing, pulling him from the tar pit that is his thoughts. He shoves his hand in his jeans pocket, blindly feeling around until he grabs the device and pulls it out. The Englishman already had an inkling about who it could be but he still checks the caller ID, finding that it is indeed the American calling him. It was almost as if he'd sensed that Ben had been thinking about him.
"Chris," Ben answers softly, hoping his tone doesn't betray the roiling sea that is his emotions right now.
"Ben! Hey," the younger male replies with his usual, cheery inflection but Christian with a newly acquired sixth sense must pick up on something in Ben's voice because he continues with a more mindful, "is something wrong? You sound a bit off."
"Uhmmm," Ben hesitates while he formulates a response that doesn't equate to him essentially breaking up with Christian over the phone. He fails, so he decides to deflect then buy himself some more time instaed. "No. Nothing's wrong. I just-Maybe it would be better if we spoke in person."
"Uhhh, sure. Okay. I'm free right now so you can come on over or I can come and meet you if that suits you better."
"No, it's okay. I'm at the library about to head out so I think it'd be better if I came to you."
"Sounds good," Christian agrees. He sounds even more worried now. "Uh Ben?"
"Yeah?"
"You're sure you're okay?"
"I'm okay Chris," Ben insists. "I'll see you in a bit."
"Yeah, yeah. See you soon."
What is usually a twenty minute walk turns into almost double that since Ben walks as if he is in a daze, dragging his feet like they're made of concrete. The self confidence he'd had earlier had fizzled from a lightningbolt to a tiny imperceptable spark But then again, who can blame him?
Chris had pinned all his hopes on this working, and Ben who could never say no to the American spitfire was about to pull the rug out from under his feet.
I'm still a good friend, Ben tells himself in his head.
The truth of the statement, however, is debateable
He's so preocuppied with everything that's going on in his head that he doesn't notice the extra foot traffic and how crowded the pavement is ahead of him. He feels his shoulder connect with someone else but he doesn't raise his eyes, just mutters an automatic "sorry," as he walks on autopilot. How British of him.
He stops two blocks later in front of a familiar block of flats.
It's mind baffling, and a little impressive that his feet had led him to Christian's building without him consciously making the decisions about which direction he should be going. He hadn't even been looking where he was walking so he could've ended up in Scotland without noticing.
He'd still understand if it was his own flat, the sayings about home being where the heart is and, and, and. There are probably hundreds of them but this, however, was Chris' flat, a place he was actually dreading coming to, and he still wound up there anyway.
Was it irony? A sick joke by the universe or a desperately needed kick in the ass?
Who knows? Who cares?
Obviously he does but he could still leave, gather his barings and return when his resolve was steeled and reinforced. It's an option, one of few but...
No.
He'd just be delaying the inevitable really and everyone knows it's better to pull the plaster off in this case, innit?
It is. For once all the voices that rage in his head are in agreement. It's a rare occurence since his conscience is as pollarized as the UK's political system.
The Englishman squares his shoulders and pushes through the front door, almost knocking over a girl with headphones that was exiting the building at that moment. With another muffled apology that he doesn't really mean (probably his fifth or seventh that day), he starts running up the stairs, two at a time, sliding his hand along the rail.
He walks down the short hallway then comes to a stop in front of Christian's door. It's now he thinks as he breathes in once, exhales and repeats the process once more. As he's about to raise his hand to knock, the door swings open, revealing a preoccupied Christian fiddling with the hem of his shirt
"Hey, there you are!" Christian says with a grin when he finally looks up and finds Ben standing with at the door. "I was just about to head out to go look for you. I tried calling you like four times but it kept going to voice mail. "
"I-I uh," Ben stutters as he wracks his brain for an excuse, his sweaty palms sliding over his jeans pockets. "Sorry, my phone must've died on my way here."
It's a lie, obviously but Christian doesn't have to know that. Cowardice does not make for a good excuse either.
"Oh, well come in," the American says excitedly, already making room for Ben to pass. "I thought about something while waiting and I wanted to add it to our plan. We should probably discuss it first."
Ben hesitates on the last step into Christian's flat when the plan is mentioned. He tries the breathing excerises again but it does sweet bugger all to calm his nerves. God, why is breaking up in a fake relationship as difficult as it would be if it were real? "We need to talk."
"Are you dumping me?" Christian asks jokingly, turning his head to look back at Ben and as the Englishman had dreaded, the look of realization settles on Chris' face when Ben doesn't share his enthusiasm at the joke.
It was too on the nose for Ben's taste.
"Ben?"
Rip the plaster off. It's better for everyone if you do it now.
"Chris, I..." Ben stutters at first but powers through, "I don't think we should carry on with this... with this plan. We can tell people we broke up or whatever but we should stop before it gets out of hand."
Christian stands there for a moment staring blankly Ben. It's the same look Harry (Winks not Kane) wore when Ben had to break the news that his pet hamster had died.
"Why? Did something happen to make you change your mind?"
Ben nods, his throat suddenly feeling like it's closing up. "I think I have feelings for-" he pauses and looks up at Chris, part of him wants to see the destruction he's about to cause as a way of penance but he can't even finish the sentence.
Luckily (or unluckily) he doesn't have to because Christian does it for him.
"You have feelings for James." It's meant to come off as a statement rather than a question but the tone he says it with is so heart breaking, so pitiful that Ben almost thinks they're talking about something else entirely: Their own breakup rather than the end of a fake relationship..
Ben nods, unable to look Chris in the eye. He feels a sense of shame and it makes no sense.
"I-I see," Christian says leaning back, palms flat against the counter. "Uhh-"
"I'm sorry, Chris," Ben rushes to apologize but the American stops him with a head shake and a somber smile.
"You don't have anthing to be sorry for. For the first time in... I don't even know, there's somebody that you have feelings for." the American pushes himself off the counter and comes closer toward Ben. "What kind of person, no, friend would I be if I stood in the way of that?"
"Chris..."
"Shhh, let me finish," Christian laughs wetly, his hands coming to rest on Ben's shoulders, their touch leaving warmth in their wake. "This plan was stupid anyway, you said so yourself. We made a deal that we would end it if something real ever showed up and I think this kinda qualifies."
A real, genuine smile plays on Ben's lips when he hears Christian's words. It feels like a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he can finally function again.
"Just because we won't be in a fake relationship anymore, doesn't mean that I'm walking away from helping you win over Mason," Ben says taking Chris hand in both of his. "You don't need to MAKE yourself seem more desirable. Mason should be able to see for himself how great you are and from where I'm standing, that's pretty great."
The Englishman hasn't even finished talking when Chris engulfs him in a bonecrushing, blood-stopping hug.
"I couldn't have asked for a better friend."
"Neither could I. I love you, buddy."
"Love you too," Chris says before takimg a few steps back. "So when are you going to call and ask James out?"
"It's a bit soon, innit?"
"What!? No!" the American exclaims, affronted on James' behalf. "There's already been some confusion about us and the whole dating thing so we don't want him to think you're not interested or that he's missed his shot. Call him-shit your phone's dead."
"Calm down," Ben laughs, gently pushing the American's hand that' now clutching his own phone. "There's still time for James and I. Right now I'm more worried about Mason."
"Don't be," Chris tells him. "Next time I see him, I'm marching up to him and telling him I like him. No more games."
"Really?" Ben asks, equal parts amused and surprised by Chris' bold declaration.
Christian nods.
"Okay then, no more games," Ben agrees and pulls Christian in for another hug.
Ben that was so so scared of coming over and calling the whole thing off, potemtially causing a fracture in their friendship, but Christian had surprised him with his maturity and had actually been the one to comfort HIM. Maybe there was hope for these two idiots afterall. Maybe they would end up finding the right guys and finally get their happy ever afters.
Only time would tell.