Chapter Text
The first few weeks of therapy are crafted in the stone of sheer suffering. What was supposed to free Satoru from his anguish turns out to be his torturer. His first mental breakdown happens right after he comes back from his first session with the therapist, and although he doesn’t explain what happened it is clearer than crystal that something triggered him. When he seeks comfort from Suguru, to lull his pain, his request is denied. Talking would do them some good. Fucking would only make it worse. But Satoru cannot comprehend or accept that. Anguish turns to anger, then to rage, then to vengeance. The soft little jabs are over, they’re daggers now. For one week, he doesn’t spare Suguru a gaze, not a smile, not a word. The first time they speak, it’s a threat. An idle one, but a threat still. Satoru is loyalty personified. They both know that. And yet, it hurts.
That grim period is with no doubt, the roughest patch of their relationship, and for the first time in his life Suguru witnesses pure, unadulterated bitterness. He sees Satoru at his absolute worst, at his most cruel, most unstable, most pathetic, at his ugliest. Is he sour and purposefully hurtful to drive away those who care for him? Yes. Is he petty and full of anger? Also yes. But does he remain lovable and will he be loved? Absolutely.
A knock on the door. Almost hesitant. Barely heard. But still expected. Longed for.
The door ajar, as it’s been for so long that Suguru doesn’t even remember when was the last time he closed it. Keeping it closed would reinforce a distance that should never have settled between them in the first place. Then, a ray of light and a white head shyly peeking from the threshold.
“Suguru, are you awake? Can I come in?” Satoru asks, waiting for the answer before daring to take a step closer. His voice is soft and loving albeit coy and covered in something that sounds like fear.
“Sure. Come on in,” Suguru says. He hasn't been sleeping much lately. It’s almost as if loneliness denies him any respite, probably waiting for him to implode.
At last, Satoru leaves the lonely place, walks slowly to the bed he was once so familiar with. Not so long ago. He sits on the satin sheets. Blue just like his eyes even if he can’t properly assess the hue.
“Do you need something?” the raven then asks, sitting up. The room is dark, if not for the moonlight. His eyes hurt too much for something more artificial. A few seconds of silence, a long sigh, a candid confession.
“My husband. I need my husband,” Satoru says. Looking straight into his eyes, then at his hands. “I want him to know how sorry I am for being so cruel to him. And I need him to take me in his arms like he used to, to tell me that he still loves me even if I’m a wreck.”
Suguru is glad he kept his door open.
“It’s almost summer,” he points out. “Are you still in for a romantic vacation at the beach?” he asks.
“Would it be our honeymoon? We never had one,” Satoru says, looking at him with a shy little smirk.
“Yes,” his partner exhales, taking Satoru's hand gently. He’d missed him so terribly.
Suddenly they’re so close that all Suguru’s brain can do is focus on how lonely it felt to be away from the one and only love of his life. They have so many things to say to each other, so many parts of their hearts to bare that the words struggle to come out. It’s all been so long, so lorn, so grim. And they will talk. But later. Don’t they have a lifetime for that, anyways?
“Maybe we should start practicing tonight. Just to get it right when the time comes. I wouldn’t want to disappoint my bride on his honeymoon,” Satoru suggests, fingers already fumbling with the hem on his raven’s pajama pants.
This time, the request isn’t denied.
“Lie down,” Suguru instructs.
Satoru watches his image in the mirror as his legs, elevated by strong arms are being spread, his soft insides turned into mush by the unrelenting pace inflicted upon them.
He cums once, then twice with muffled wails of pleasure as his embarrassingly moist and hard as steel member shoots at the mirror, his insides now transformed into a pool of hot, thick, white colored love. And he’s beautiful. So beautiful, with his soft skin flushed from pleasure and slick from sweat , softly parted lips and misty blue eyes. But it still doesn’t seem to be enough. Suguru lays him on the bed, opens his legs and scoots closer to him to admire his work. Dick still red from the repeated orgasms, softly leaning forward, tight walls stained white by cum. He brings his fingers to the poor abused rim, gently rubbing it in a silent apology for being too hard on it, trapping it between his fingers to apply pressure and gently stretching until its creamy content starts spilling on soft skin anew, turning into a beautiful puddle as it travels down. Satoru didn’t lie about being full, but Suguru knows he can make him cum again and again until he begs him to stop. He inserts three fingers inside him, earning yet another ghostly sound. He’s gotten so many of them but it’s still not enough. The fingers mix with the cum, using it as lubricant as they intrude into his body and fuck him relentlessly until he finishes once again, dry, legs shaking, hips jerking, lips almost begging. He’s finally satisfied. Satoru’s finally ruined.
“How many babies did you say you wanted again?” Satoru gasps. Love has brought him back from the dead.
“You’re so silly,” Suguru chuckles breathlessly. His arms have been jellyfied.
“I’m not silly,” Satoru slaps him lightly. “ I’m in LOVE. Tell me how many,” he insists.
“Four. Three little girls and one little boy,” Suguru says. Being an only child in an unhappy house was only bearable because Satoru existed.
“I think you gave me enough to get you that. It feels amazing to have all these little yous inside me,” Satoru says, rubbing his bare abdomen.
“You’re disgusting,” Suguru chuckles again as he takes his hand.
“Shut up. You like disgusting,” Satoru says, kissing him tenderly. “I’m gonna be limping till the end of the trip. You just ruined Okinawa for me and you’ll hear here from my therapist,” he threatens.
“Tell me, are you going back to the same therapist after all?” Suguru asks.
“I really don’t want to but it’s a necessity. He keeps using words that are hard for me to accept. Like, the way he gets me to describe my experiences is so raw. I’m mostly going back because he reminds me of you, but that’s also what makes it so hard. I think he sees me as some sort of victim,” Satoru says.
From Suguru it’s “acceptable”. From a stranger, someone who is totally unbiased, it’s an humiliation.
“But that’s what you are. Satoru,” Suguru says. “Being a victim doesn’t mean you’re weak or helpless. It means someone hurt you. That’s all.”
“But is it really abuse if I was the one who put myself there?” Satoru asks.
“Satoru,” Suguru sighs. “A child cannot seduce an adult.”
“I know. I know. I just- It’s frustrating that things I thought were totally normal turn out not to be. Even the way he talks about people I’ve been with after I stopped doing it for a living. It’s just so depressing that I let it happen,” Satoru mumbles, visibly sulking again. He’s no stranger to feeling blue these days.
“I will say it again. You were taken advantage of. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t ‘let’ anything happen,” Suguru asserts. He’d need a few lifetimes to correct all the wrongs that were inflicted upon Satoru, but one lifetime will be enough to help him heal from the trauma it caused. Everyday he learns how to love and value himself a little bit more. All he needed was a good example, and now he has a few. Suguru takes him in his arms and leaves a gentle kiss on the crown of his head. “My love, you’re safe. No one will ever hurt you again. I promise.”
“Every time I met a new adult promising me shelter and safety it ended up the exact same way. Yuki was the first to treat me like a person instead of a sentient sex toy or a chance to make a quick buck. I think she reminded me that I was human. Something I had forgotten, rejected,” Satoru reflects, wrapping his arms around Suguru’s back. “Having her around made me realize lots of things. Part of me wanted to be loved even if I wouldn’t admit it. And if I couldn’t be loved then I’d settle on being used.”
“How did it feel in the beginning? Was the cohabitation hard?” Suguru asks. All he knows is that Yuki would go to extreme lengths to protect Satoru and that they got the idea of the bar together. However, knowing Satoru’s personality, adding to all the trauma, the dawn of their relationship must have been full of trials.
“Oh it was hard. Definitely. We didn’t easily get along, you know? And I was so pissed when she insisted I received my flings at home instead of flocking around. But she was so serious about it that I yielded. That’s probably the best thing I could have done for myself though. I think we started having a real healthy relationship after Kirara pointed her nose,” Satoru explains. It was to be expected.
“She told me she insisted on that. Did something happen?” Suguru digs further.
“I had a bad experience with a guy I was seeing. I used to go to his house to have sex but he was a mess, older than me, not reliable at all. Yuki didn’t like him at all but I kept going, despite her clear disapproval and formal interdiction,” Satoru says. He removes his arms and pulls back from the hug to lie on the bed, facing the ceiling.
“Did something happen there?” Suguru asks again, swallowing his fears. His fingers are brown from digging. He won’t stop until they turn bloody.
“I went there one evening, while Yuki was away,” Satoru begins, sitting up and crossing his legs. He’s staring at the wall while Suguru gazes at him. “I told him I wasn’t in the mood for sex and he said it was fine so we just watched a movie and went to sleep. But then I woke up in the middle of the night because I was in pain and that’s when I saw him, on top of me. I panicked and told him to get off me. We tussled a bit,” he says, making boxing movements to illustrate his words. “Then he apologized, said it wouldn’t happen again and I went straight back home. Yuki understood what happened as soon as she saw me. She sent Yuuji’s brother to beat his ass since I failed to do so myself. I think I was a bit shocked, you know? I made her promise not to go to the police so that was the only reasonable alternative anyways,” he laughs.
Suguru takes his hand. “Satoru, I’m so sorry. Yuki- she never told me,” he swallows.
“It’s okay,” Satoru covers his hand with his own. “It happened so long ago that it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s been years already,” he says with another sad little laugh.
Suguru scoots closer to him, lifts him with his two arms and places him on his lap. “My love, you’re allowed to grieve all the things that were stolen from you. I guarantee you that it’s okay. No one will hold it against you,” he reassures, kissing his cheek.
“I’m glad you’re not my therapist cause I would have fallen in love with you and ruined everything,” Satoru laughs.
“You’re gonna make me blush,” Suguru says. “What convinced you to give that therapist another chance?” he asks. “I know you’d been feeling hesitant for a while.”
“We had a conversation about our fight that was really eye opening to me,” Satoru reveals.
“Tell me more,” Suguru asks.
“When I came to you for sex and you said no it wasn’t that I felt rejected. I think I was mad at myself for breaking the promise I made to you when we first spoke about my hyper sexual tendencies. Since I didn’t know how to deal with the humiliation, I chose to be cruel to you instead. Deep down, I was probably hoping you’d lose trust in me and break up. I mean, divorce,” his partner says, still staring at the wall.
“Why?” Suguru asks softly, more shocked by Satoru’s candour than he is by what he just learned. Being able to get such an important piece of information out of him is a miracle in itself, a beacon of hope.
“Because I felt trapped and insecure. If it happens once it will happen twice, three times and before we know it you’ll be miserable and lonely,” Satoru blows with his head now against Suguru’s shoulder. “Maybe you’re a bit too good for me…sometimes,” he mumbles.
“That’s absolutely not true!” Suguru says.”I can’t say I handled the situation well either. We both have our faults and I’m sorry for pulling away when you needed me the most. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to give you so much space when shame obviously stopped you from coming to me. I’m just glad we can talk about it normally now.”
“You’re always so kind and patient with me. Fuck you,” Satoru sniffles, draping his arms around the raven’s neck to hide his face.
“You’d be so much prettier if you were polite too,” Suguru jokes, running his hand up and down his back. He’s probably crying too.
“I’d be too pretty,” Satoru laughs. “We need to keep things balanced in this relationship.”
“Speaking of balance. There's something I wanted to show you," Suguru says. He hops out of the bed and walks to his bag to retrieve an envelope.
"What's that?" Satoru asks, as it's handed to him.
"Something I should have written years ago," Suguru says. It might not be much after the seven years of solitude but something in his heart is convinced that small gesture has the power to soothe Satoru's inner child.
"Is that a letter?" Satoru asks. "You didn't have to. I mean, we've already told each other everything we needed to," he says.
"Please shut up and open that damn envelope," Suguru orders.
"Jeez, okay. Let's see what this is about," Satoru says, opening the large white envelope. "I'm gonna read it aloud just to embarrass you though."
"Go on," Suguru says with a smile. "I mean, you can try but I don't think you will."
It's not just one letter, but seven. One for each year spent away from the other. On each letter, the twelve months of the year carefully detailed.
"When did you find the time to do this?" Satoru asks, almost chocking up as he leafs throw the pages. Almost.
"After we fought, I too came to a lot of realisations. When my Mom told me she still had my old journals, I asked her to send them to me. That's when I started working on it. Offering you the diary did cross my mind but I decided to turn the months into letters instead. It won't make up for my prolonged silence but I truly hope it brings you joy and insight on how boring my life was after a dared to let you go," Suguru reveals. "I think the hardest part what writing like a teenager. You'll notice that my style changes a bit as a 'grow up'," he adds with a slight laugh, gazing lovingly at h is usually talkative other half who doesn't say anything. There's a first time for everything, right?
“Does it look like I just cried?” Satoru asks.
“You do look like shit but that’s something even makeup can’t fix so don’t expect too much from a shower, a few kisses and sunscreen,” Suguru says.
“I’ll spit in your coffee,” Satoru threatens.
“You know I like nasty,” Suguru laughs. “Come on let’s go,” he takes his hand and leads him to the table.
“Hey, where have you guys been?” Yuki waves at them. “We’re almost done here already.”
“Sorry, we were fucking. That’s why I’m walking like this,” Satoru screams from across the table.
“Satoru, please.” Suguru covers his face in shame. He pulls the chair for Satoru and takes the place to his right, next to Megumi. It’s always nice to see him.
“Some of us are trying to eat,” Yuuta sighs.
“Oh shut up. I’d expect that type of comment from the two virgins over here,” Satoru says, showing Yuuji and Megumi. “Not from someone like you. Stop pretending please,” he says with an edge of mischief.
“Bangs-chan, you should get him tested for rabies,” Kirara says. It’s a charming, tempting suggestion that will be studied.
“Kirara,” Suguru chuckles. “Can we please have a peaceful meal for once? It’s not everyday that we’re in Okinawa.”
“No,” Satoru puts his hand on Suguru’s shoulder. “Not until you’ve defended my honour. You should be flabbergasted that people treat your spouse this way.”
“You’re right,” Suguru sighs. “Hoshi Kirara, I Geto Suguru, provoke you in a duel tomorrow at dawn or whatever,” he says, pouring some water in his tea cup.
“Say it like you mean it,” Satoru orders.
“You guys are absolute clowns. I think I understand why Yuuji doesn’t want to come back home. I don’t either, if we’re being honest,” Kamo says.
What was supposed to be an outing with his little brother turned into a full-fledged family vacation with everyone including dear Megumi.
“Things are never boring at home. That’s to say the least,” Yuki says, smiling at him.
“Hey, do you think they’re ever gonna tell Yuuji about their fling?” Suguru whispers to his partner.
“At this point, I’m more worried about Yuuji’s eyesight. He’s the most oblivious person I’ve ever met. Matched only by Megumi, maybe,” Satoru says.
“Don’t you guys have someone important to meet today?” Kirara asks. “Maybe you should stop gossiping and drink up before it’s too late,” she says. They’re truly going to miss her when she starts fashion school in August.
“Oh, it’s true. You’re going today,” Yuuji beams. “Enjoy!”
“Say hi for us too,” Yuki says, raising her cup.
“According to the address I was given, we have arrived,” Suguru says, squinting his eyes to protect them from the sun. He regrets not taking a pair of shades with him. Satoru however never leaves the house without his. When they were kids, Suguru gave him a pair when he noticed how sensitive his eyes were. They were eleven back then. Each year, he’d renew the little gift, as a token, a proof that he cared. The pair of glasses Satoru currently has on was also offered by him. His signature black ones, that he wore on their picnic at Ueno park, were a little bit too big for him. There was no chance Suguru would leave us unchanged. “It’s my first time ever coming here though,” he says.
“The façade is nice,” Satoru comments. “And have you seen the flowers?” he says, fawning over the bush of chinese hibiscus.
“They’re delightful,” Suguru agrees.
“Here,” Satoru whispers, holding a flower between his fingertips. Suguru didn’t even notice that he picked one. Gently, the flower is lodged into his hair. “I’m making you pretty for her. Presenting well is important after all.”
“Thank you, mon amour,” Suguru says. “I think you should get one too,” he says. Taking one flower and approaching Satoru’s hair with it.
“French? You’re fancy. Red isn’t really my colour though,” Satoru pouts. What an adorable creature.
“Are you kidding?” Suguru chuckles. “You’re queer, my love. The entire spectrum of light is yours,” he whispers. They’re close enough for a little kiss, and so they indulge. Being seen doesn’t worry them anymore. Those days are long gone. Satoru’s flustered self and light chuckles of joy are worth too much to be sacrificed at the altar of fear or self consciousness. They’re nourishment for the soul and Suguru’s heart is so full, his senses so engaged and overwhelmed that he doesn’t hear the door opening.
“Why hello kids,” a joyous voice says from the doorstep.
“Oh,” Suguru gasps, turning to look at its owner.
“Hey mom,” Satoru says, with a mirthful wave and a smile full of teeth.
The clock marks 8:30 and Satoru’s been fidgeting so insanely that it might cause an earthquake.
“We’ve been waiting for half an hour,” Suguru sighs. “I think we should go home, before you have a cardiac arrest on my behalf.”
“No,” Satoru stops him. “Maybe something happened. Your mom’s been ignoring your calls but it might not be on purpose. They could be stuck in traffic.”
“Satoru, it’s fine,” Suguru says, standing up already. “I’ve been let down by them more than once. This is nothing,” he tries to reassure Satoru and himself.
“No,” Satoru pulls on his shirt to force him down. “It’s something,” he whispers, cupping his face gently as he leans over to kiss his cheek, light like a feather, so light that it tickles.
“I think your hair is getting a bit too long,” Suguru jokes, gently pulling on a strand of the rebellious cloud.
“Speaking of which, I do need to shave the back,” Satoru says.
Suguru reaches out to touch his nape. “I can do it for you when we go back home,” he says. “Maybe my parents will contact me later. But I really don’t feel like waiting here forever. I feel like a total idiot.”
The plan is simple: go back home and pretend nothing happened at all. Pretend those calls never existed, pretend his parents never gave him the illusion that they cared. However, that plan is thwarted the second following its outlining.
His father doesn’t come that night, or any other. He probably won’t ever contact him again. That as much is certain when Suguru sees his mother at the door, smiling shyly at them as Satoru’s eyes are glued to his face to assess his state, their fingers intertwined to communicate support and love.
“Suguru?” the woman calls. She looks thinner, skinny even, exhausted, more than she’s ever been before.
“Hello mom,” Suguru says. “Where’s dad?” he asks immediately even though he already knows. There’s no point in running to her for a hug or a kiss. That would be hypocritical.
She sits on the chair right next to them, in silence, taunting Suguru’s anger that is only being controlled by Satoru’s reassuring presence.
“Satoru, it’s nice to see you. It’s been so long. I’m glad you two are still friends,” she says, staring gently at Satoru. Maybe it’s a trick to calm her own nerves.
“Where is dad?” Suguru asks again, taking all it has in him to not crumble on the spot.
“I think you should sit down. It’s gonna be long to explain.”
“Did you just call her ‘mom’?” Suguru laughs in disbelief, but also pride. When will Satoru ever stop surprising him?
“Mine is dead. Remember? Tsk,” Satoru says, clicking his tongue just after.” That’s what I get for bedding an only child. So selfish that he won’t even share his mom,” he mumbles to himself, walking to his “mother”.
“It’s nice to see you two,” Suguru’s mom says, beaming. “How’s my dear little Satoru doing?” she asks, gently patting his hair, as she used to when he was younger. Satoru always adored Suguru’s mom and although her inaction left him beyond disappointed, the affection he harbours for her was left unchanged. Often, while Suguru was having his piano lessons, Satoru would sit in the kitchen with her, even helping with the chores. In her, he found the long lost warmth of motherly love.
“It’s a sunny day and I’m with my most beloved so I’m happy,” Satoru says, grinning.
“Glad to hear that. Come here,” the woman smiles tenderly at him, pulling him in a hug. She’d missed him. Suguru can tell by the way she closes her eyes to savor the gentle moment.
“You look good today, Mom,” Suguru remarks. Her joy is a beautiful sight despite the depth of the resentment that still exists between them. But if Satoru taught him something, it's that forgiveness is sometimes worth it. If not for that simple philosophy, Suguru would have lost the one and only love of his life.
“Peace does that,” the woman giggles, still embracing Satoru.”Come on in.”
“I didn't know your aunt had a house in Okinawa,” Satoru says, looking around as they enter the living room. The decoration is much livelier than what Suguru had expected from an old lady such as his grand aunt. Her old house had a much simpler and traditional vibe to it.
“After my uncle died, she got severely depressed. Her son and I tried to convince her to relocate but it took years to convince her. She officially moved in just a few days before I left. I guess she inspired me in a way,” Suguru moms says. “Helping her decorate It kept me busy for a little while. Helped me think about other things.”
“We could have helped too,” Suguru says, more out of politeness than altruism.
“I wasn’t going to ask that of you guys after all went down. Plus, I felt like I needed to go through it on my own. Your aunt is quite old so she can’t do much and my cousin hasn’t lived in Japan in a while,” the woman says. “It was healing to be useful to someone who deserves it.”
“Have you spoken to dad ever since?” Suguru says, taking place on the black sofa. Satoru immediately sits between his legs, sighing as Suguru pulls him closer.
“Only when it was necessary,” his mom says. “You guys must be thirsty. What should I bring you?”
“Do you think he regrets it?” Suguru asks much more sternly than he wanted to. It’s hard not to sound too harsh.
“I try not to think about what he feels. I’ve been doing that for twenty years already” his mother responds soberly. She walks to the kitchen and opens the top cupboard to fetch two glasses, then the fridge, and reaches for two cans of her choice. Suguru’s mother never asks the same question twice. The only exception was after the two lovers fell off. Funny that she’d insist when the answer was clearer than day. “How’s Yuki? How is everyone?” she asks, looking for a tray. Suguru isn’t even thirsty. He takes advantage of her absence to rub his fingers against Satoru’s inner thighs, then under his crop top. Strangely enough, he seems really sensitive today.
“Stop,” he whines, removing the hand immediately.
“Fine. They say hi,” Suguru says to his mom.
“I can’t wait to be ready to meet them,” his mother says, sitting right next to him and taking Satoru’s hand, absentmindedly. “Yuki is such a kind soul that I can only imagine how great the others are.”
“You shouldn’t be ashamed, mom. No one will blame you for not being able to defend me when you couldn’t even defend yourself,” Suguru says. He understands. He truly does. And he’s happy that she’s finally free from the shackles of the man she chose as her husband two decades ago. But still, it hurts. It hurts that he had to spend his entire teenagehood in utter loneliness because there was no one to protect him. He’s angry that he could never truly trust his own mother, that until a few months ago, he didn’t know where she stood when it came to his identity. It hurts that she never comforted him. That she ran away from him in the darkest moments of his life. That he couldn’t cry in her arms when Satoru was no longer there for him, when he no longer was there for Satoru. But it will pass. It always does. Despite the bitterness, he loves and cherishes his mother immensely. Maybe he should choose those feelings instead.
“My son really is the kindest,” his mother says softly. “I stand on my decision for the time being because I know you still haven’t forgiven me. Crash landing into your life wouldn’t be appropriate, but I have something for Yuki. To thank her for taking care of you two,” she reveals. The present is a beautiful pair of silver ear cuffs.
“She’ll love it,” Suguru says with a smile. Collecting the small gift.
“I have something for you too, Satoru. I’ve been reading a lot about the queer community and one of the websites had some cute merch that made me think of you,” Suguru’s mother says, removing something from her pocket for Satoru. It’s a gold pin with “Gender? I don’t know her” written on it.
“Thank you so much mom,” Satoru gasps, feeling almost emotional. It fills Suguru up with joy.
“Though I have been reading and learning a lot on my own, do you mind if I ask you some questions?” the woman asks.
“Of course not. Tell me,” Satoru says, taking her hands. And so they talk. They talk about the first time he wore a skirt, about the day his parents confronted him about it, about the different ways he asked people to refer to him, about the joy he felt when Yuki acknowledged his identity and helped him add layers to it, about his first drag shows and how helpful Kirara has been.
“Do you ever feel like you’re not in the right body?” she asks.
“Not at all. Many people do feel dysphoric but I never experienced that. Maybe it’s easier for me to navigate in this society because I’m pretty ‘like a girl’,” Satoru says. His mirth cannot be contained. It’s everywhere from the subtle smile on his lips, to the gentle trembling that screams excitement, to the way he’s holding onto Suguru’s t-shirt. There’s a childlike component to his behaviour around her that speaks volumes about the wound that was inflicted upon him by his biological parents. Especially by his ‘late’ mother.
“You sure are the prettiest,” the woman says. “Isn’t he?” she asks her son.
“He is,” Suguru says, kissing Satoru’s cheek.
“How have you been though?” Satoru asks. Redirecting his attention to his mother. Getting a divorce after more than twenty years can’t be easy for a woman who used to live and probably would have died for her husband. In an ideal world it would have happened sooner but better late than never. Satoru’s theory is that when she first contacted him, she had already left home. Suguru understands that she didn’t tell him right away because she wasn’t yet sure of her decision. Now she is.
“Happy,” she says in a heartbeat. It can be seen.
“That's good. I’m glad,” Suguru says with a genuine smile.
“I guess I never really had the chance to say this but you two really make a gorgeous couple,” his mother comments at last. There was no surprise in her eyes when she saw them together that day. She always knew. “Satoru, my dear. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving my Suguru the way you do. I’m glad you two found each other.”
“Don’t mention it,” Satoru shrugs. “There’s nothing easier than loving our Suguru.”
“Do you think she’s ever going back there?” are the first word to pass Satoru’s lips as they wave goodbye from afar. What a gossipy bitch.
“I hope she values herself enough not to. My father tries to be a good person but he won’t ever be one. He doesn’t have unconditional love in him,” Suguru says. He came to terms with that fact when he was old enough to understand what real love was, and that it would never circulate in both directions when it came to the man. But It looks like Satoru isn’t really listening to his sad comments. His neck is stretched, in search of something.
“Baby, you like flowers right?” he asks.
“Of course,” Suguru laughs. What a weird question coming from someone who used flowers to woo him, but it all makes sense when Suguru turns around and sees a flower lady just behind them. “You don’t have to,” he says. “The state of your finances is abysmal.”
“I’m a rich kid at heart,” Satoru grins. “Be right back,” he says before running to cross the street.
Three pink roses. Wrapped in white paper and a blue ribbon.
“I’m broke so I couldn’t get you a real bouquet,” he says.
“You’re the sweetest, Satoru. They’re gorgeous. Just like you,” Suguru says.
“Your talk about love made me think of something. I know the rough patch we went through is over and that we already talked it over but I want you to know how happy I am to have you with me. I’ve been needlessly cruel to you when you were just trying to be a good partner and I’m sorry. I wish I could take back some of the things I said because I know how deeply it hurt you,” Satoru says.
Suguru simply smiles at him. “Do you remember what you told me the day I asked you to be my partner? You said it wouldn’t be easy to date you but that you trusted me to love, want and trust you throughout all the stages of recovery. Satoru, it was never difficult for me to love you and it will never be,” he professes.
Satoru stares at him intensely for a few seconds. So intensely that Suguru wonders if he said something inappropriate.
“I’m gonna wreck your asshole when we get back home. I’m gonna slut you out so bad you’ll want me to put you on a leash. Then, I’ll send you to a physical therapist to learn how to walk properly again,” Satoru speaks, at last, nostrils flared for a reason his partner doesn’t even want to understand.
“I love you too,” he laughs. “Let’s go get some noodles. Your treat.”
They don’t go eat noodles but rather at the aquarium they first visited together when they were fourteen. What was supposed to be a stroll down memory lane turns into sometime much less wholesome. Ten minutes into the visit they end up in the toilet of the establishment. With an “Out of service” sign on the door.
Satoru bends over the sink.
“I thought you wanted to wreck me ,” Suguru says, mildly confused by the turn of events.
“Remove my shorts and underwear. I have a surprise for you,” Satoru says impatiently.
When Suguru does as instructed, his jaw simply drops to the cold floor. “Satoru you wore a plug to go visit your mother in law,” he says.
Satoru giggles. “I really thought I was gonna cream my pants when you kept touching me. That would have been embarrassing,” he says.
“God, you’re so naughty,” Suguru says, shaking his head. “How does it feel to have one on?” he asks.
“The constant sensation of something rubbing against my insides is really nice,” Satoru reveals, moving his legs to generate more friction. “I might be broke cause I keep buying sex toys.”
“I really hit the jackpot with you. Nasty little creature,” Suguru gasps. He stirs the plug before removing it and kneels to fill the lonely hole with his tongue.
“You’re eating me out from behind in a public bathroom. I think I hit the jackpot,” Satoru moans. “Fuck, take me to the stall. I wanna ride your dick,” he says.
“Should we be doing this?” Suguru asks as Satoru lubes him up. (He never leaves home without his small bottle. Never.)
“Absolutely not. It’s gross, but we’re gross too,” Satoru says, kicking his shorts off to get to work. He drapes his arms around Suguru’s shoulder to anchor himself and sits on top of him, once he feels secure enough. Falling and hitting his head would be terribly embarrassing for them both.
It doesn’t take long before he’s impaling himself, breaching the tiny hole with a poll of flesh, solid and throbbing against his poor thin walls.
“How do you feel?” Suguru asks.
“Stuffed,” Satoru pants. “I don’t think anything beats the feeling of being full of you. But I must admit that having you wrapped around me drives me crazy too. It’s always life changing when you’re involved,” he says.
“I know I say this often but I think your body belongs in a museum. You feel so good,” Suguru says, kissing his chest.
“Aww, baby you’re so sweet,” Satoru comments, holding his face and kissing his nose.
“Calling me ‘baby’ during sex is off limits,” Suguru reminds.
“You were totally asking for it. Brace yourself, my love,” Satoru chuckles and so he starts moving, eyes focused on his partner with such intensity that they both forget where they are. It all seems perfect until someone opens the bathroom door to use the stall just next to theirs.
Satoru stops abruptly. “Should we abort the mission?” he whispers, nearly choking on a laugh.
“Of course not,” his partner says matter of factly. It’s faint but almost arrogant.
Confused, Satoru furrows his eyebrows.”There’s someone,” he reminds.
“I don’t care,” Suguru shrugs. “I didn’t come here to cock warm. Try not to be too loud while I fuck you. Okay?” he says almost gently, putting his palm over Satoru’s mouth
Suddenly, Satoru’s back is against the cold room of the bathroom stall, helpless he tries to plead but has the words inside his throat killed by a laugh.
“Why are you acting so serious?” he chuckles. “Who are you trying to impress?”
“Can you please stop laughing when I’m trying to fuck you?” Suguru whispers but the words sound so pathetic that he can’t contain his own laughter.
“Key work is ‘trying’,” Satoru laughs again while Suguru, now more serious than ever, holds his left leg higher. If he falls head first on the ground then so be it.
“Are we getting serious?” Satoru asks, grinning. “Do you think he’s listening to us? Jerking off maybe?” he interrogates looking at the wall on his left.
“I don’t know but might as well put on a show,” Suguru says.
Satoru lets out a giggle again. It’s his last one.
There is no doubt that the level of arousal Suguru feels over being in command could never be topped. Satoru sounds so helpless yet eager in his arms, so sensitive to each hip movement, to the hands gripping him hard enough to leave marks, to the lips tasting his skin, sweet and salty, unabashedly him.
Satoru whimpers again as his partner exits from him and places him gently on the floor, holding his thin waist as he reenters the wet warmth with a contented sigh. A door opening, a few footsteps approaching then, so close that from the dirty floor Satoru can see shoes, until they’re only a few centimeters away from the door.
“Sure you don’t want me to turn around?” he asks the raven.
“No. The floor is dirty. I don’t want it to touch your face. Plus, you’re really pretty like this,” Suguru says.
Satoru cums hard, all over himself, lips agape and eyes heavy. Only their ragged breathing can be heard. Then the door opening and closing.
“That’s revenge for calling me a whore that one day at the park,” Suguru laughs, more than satisfied with his work.
“I should call you one more often,” Satoru says, sounding absolutely besotted. “Please give me my bag. I have a t-shirt and a pair of pants inside it.”
“Sure, but let me clean you up first. Sit on the toilet and wait for me,” Suguru says, lying down to kiss his forehead.
“Ok, mon amour,” Satoru says.
“Please stop stealing my expressions…And my clothes.”
The rest of the afternoon is much more tranquil. They go sightseeing like they did their first time ever on the island, walking across streets their hearts still remember dearly.
“Do you think this relationship is still gonna exist when we’re out of nostalgia fuel?” Satoru asks. How silly of him.
“I think it’ll get even better. Crafting a future with you sounds exciting,” Suguru responds.
Satoru takes his arm. “I’m glad things are gradually getting better with your mom. I know how angry you were back then, even if you wouldn’t admit to it,” he says softly.
“It’s still hard. I think forgiveness was easier when I thought I’d never see her again,” Suguru admits. Having to rekindle a broken relationship is painful but oh so worth it.
“I understand what you mean. Be patient with yourself, okay?” Satoru says, leaning closer to him. “I don’t trust Yuki to babysit our future kids and I think I might be pregnant already. Two creampies in one day is diabolical.”
“You were totally asking for it,” Suguru laughs, hiding his face.
“I should have sealed the second creampie with the plug,” Satoru reflects.
Suguru pushes him. “How do you even get these ideas?” he shakes his head in disbelief. “I swear you get nastier by the day. Please don’t do anything crazy when you start culinary school,” he pleads with his hands together.
“Eww, why would you say that?” Satoru screams, smacking him gently on the head.
“Please,” the raven shakes his head again. “I’m sure you already thought about it. A special ingredient to get those three Michelin stars.”
Satoru stops. “Who are you and what have you done with my husband? When did you get so nasty anyways?”
“I think hanging out with you changed the chemistry of my brain. You did some damage the day I wore that short skirt,” Suguru laughs, nearly blushing at the memories.
“Want me to do it again?” Satoru asks.
“You did promise to wreck me,” Suguru comments. “Where do you want us to go next?” he asks.
“I think you already know,” Satoru whispers in his ear.
“In ten years will you still want us to be together?” Suguru asks. It’s the first question that crossed his mind since they arrived on the beach. It’s not a stupid one so he doesn’t feel bad about voicing it.
“Of course. I’d want us to be together forever,” Satoru says.
“What if I hurt you?” Suguru asks again.
“Then I’ll beat your ass. Simple,” Satoru answers.
Suguru suppresses a laugh. “Violence isn’t always the answer,” he says. “What if I leave you?”
“You wouldn’t!” Satoru asserts. “No sane person would.”
“What if I did?” Suguru insists.
“Then I’d let you go and wait for you to come back,” Satoru says.
“How do you know I’ll come back? What if it’s too late?” Those are his final questions.
Satoru shakes his head slowly. “Love is never too late.”
The sand on Araha beach is by far the whitest Suguru has ever seen and even after so many years since his first time seeing it, the feeling of marvel persists. That might be the reason why they made the trip: watching the waves as the sun sets before them, something they didn’t have a chance to do the last time, as they were already running late. The ocean is calm, doing sweet, subtle back and forth movements stopping just a few inches away from their feet.
“Satoru, will you marry me?” Suguru asks suddenly. It seems like the setting sun must always be a witness to his confessions of love. However, this time, he isn’t following any well prepared plan, only his heart.
“But we’re already married,” Satoru says, sounding a bit confused.
“I meant for real,” Suguru clarifies. “We could do it abroad when we’re not broke anymore.”
“It wouldn’t be valid here,” Satoru says.
“Then we’ll wait and get married a third time when we're allowed to or whatever,” Suguru suggests.
Satoru smiles. “Would we still be best friends if we married each other for real?” he asks, staring at him gently. He’d probably been waiting for that opportunity for years.
“Sure,” Suguru laughs. “Best friends marry each other all the time,” he says, leaning closer to stare into those delightful blue eyes. It is quite surreal that only a few months ago there was absolutely no hope left in his life, no joy, no love, no nothing. But as someone dear once told him, as they sat on the same white sand, seven years ago: “Love is never too late”. It’s always been Satoru and it will forever be him.
Satoru beams again, all teeth. “Then I’ll think about it,” he says.