Chapter Text
chapter xxi
They wake up early the next morning, shower and make breakfast together. Then, they wash the dishes together as well, Shu Yi proudly and gleefully scrub the pots and pans clean with a sponge.
They spend the rest of the morning feeding Xiao Wang Zi and Zhu Mei as they chat about mundane things, mainly work. And then, when lunch time rolls around, Shu Yi moves as if to leave, dragging a luggage out with him. Shi De blinks in confusion, asking, "You're leaving?"
“I'm going over to Yu Xin and Zheng Wen's.”
"You're staying over at theirs?"
"No no, these are just some things I bought for them."
“That’s a lot of souvenirs,” Shi De can’t help but comment and Shu Yi just shrugs, a secretive smile on his lips.
When Shi De grabs his keys, Shu Yi stops him by telling him that he already hailed a taxi. "I'm having dinner with them too so you don't have to wait for me," Shu Yi says sternly.
Shi De nods, feeling useless as he tells Shu Yi to have fun with his best friends, with the love of his life.
Shu Yi didn't even let Shi De help him with the suitcase.
-
Naturally, they don’t have sex that night. It's to be expected because Shu Yi returns home well into the night, swaying on his feet. Shi De would've scolded him for drinking so much but there are diamonds in his eyes and laughter spilling out of his mouth and Shi De finds himself smiling along with Shu Yi.
Instead, Shi De decides to ask him about the luggage that is curiously missing. Shu Yi giggles, leaning heavily on Shi De for support. He’s so incredibly tipsy it’s a miracle that he manages to walk from the taxi to the front door on his own.
“With Yu Xin and Zheng Wen,” Shu Yi answers, his smile widening as he throws his arms around Shi De’s neck.
Shi De steadies him with an arm around his lower back and helps him slowly up the stairs. He asks, "So many things just for two people?"
"It's not for two people,” Shu Yi chides, pouting, "it's for three!"
Shi De blinks, stuttering in his movement of helping Shu Yi out of his clothes.
Huh.
However, before Shi De can investigate further, Shu Yi squeals loudly. When Shi De looks up from taking off Shu Yi's socks, he sees him covering his mouth with both hands and shaking his head ruefully.
"What?" Shi De inquires, tugging his hair back and brushing his cheek tenderly.
"Secret!" Shu Yi replies, eyes carved into half-moons with happiness.
Shi De can't help but comment, "You're happy."
Shu Yi nods enthusiastically and leans his head against Shi De's, tugging him close until he's bracketing Shi De's body in between his legs. Shi De just pats his lower back gently until Shu Yi’s skin is no longer thrumming with excess energy and enthusiasm.
-
Needless to say, Shu Yi has a terrible hangover the next morning. He grumbles and whines in his sleep, pulling the blankets over his head when Shi De opens the curtain. Even the smallest of touch from Shi De has him groaning and curling in on himself. So, Shi De leaves a pitcher of water and some pain killers for him. Then, he goes down to the kitchen to make their meal and work for the rest of the morning.
Shu Yi doesn't come down until noon, still looking incredibly sick. Shi De bites his lips and taps his lap, inviting Shu Yi to nap on it so he can massage his headache away. Shu Yu melts under his hand soon after, snuggling into his stomach as he sighs contentedly.
-
When Monday arrives, Shu Yi is bright-eyed and alert once more as he enthusiastically gets ready for the day. Yu Xin, however, is still not faring well judging by her tardiness as well as her sunken cheeks and haggard eyes. She even forgot her lipstick, making her face impossibly pale and sickly despite her usual light makeup. She looks like she went on ten rounds of drinking with Shu Yi and Shi De can’t resist stepping into her office to ask about her condition.
“Do I look that terrile?” She asks back, a hand over her chest.
“Don’t take this the wrong way but you look messier than usual” Shi De answers sheepishly, “you even forgot your lipstick.”
Yu Xin sighs, hand now kneading her temple, “Goddammit it, must’ve been when I washed my mouth after vomiting.”
Yu Xin never vomits no matter how sick she is and definitely not from a hangover, especially a two-days old hangover.
When Shi De states as such, Yu Xin freezes in her movement and sucks her lips in.
“You okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?”
“Well, no, it’s… to be expected,”
.
.
.
They don’t have sex on the next one after that either. In fact, they haven’t done anything sexual beyond kissing and bathing together, which aren’t sexual in the least bit for them.
It’s… unusual.
Shi De’s not complaining, he just finds it strange that insatiable Shu Yi is content with simple kisses and cuddles for so long. They never go long without having some sort of sexual tryst when they're together and it's already been a week.
The point of Shu Yi being here is for sex. Shi De knows this, he knows what he is to Shu Yi. Vaguely, he even thinks this lack of sex, is purposeful. He must’ve done something to upset Shu Yi if he’s not demanding sex like this but Shu Yi isn’t any different than he usually is. In fact, Shu Yi is so soft and tender with him, showering Shi De with gentleness and domestic bliss.
Sure Shu Yi smiles strangely at times but, instead of sex, they give each other chaste kisses in the morning before they part in the car and at night before they cuddle to sleep. And Shu Yi kisses Shi De like usual too, his tongue licking into Shi De’s mouth. He uses Shi De’s toothpaste and body wash, eats from Shi De’s spoon and drinks from his glass. He stills sleeps in Shi De’s bed, stealing all the blankets as usual, and even letting Shi De sleep on him most nights, which is a bonus.
They just don’t have sex.
And Shi De… well, he's too into this charade to question Shu Yi’s behavior. He's always dreamt of living with and loving Shu Yi this gently, this adoringly after all. Besides, he already made the resolution to stop wanting more, more, more from Shu Yi so he won’t ask. He’ll take whatever Shu Yi is willing to give him; anything is better than nothing, especially when Shi De has been used to nothing for seventeen years of his life, and this isn’t anything. This is tender, affectionate Shu Yi, this is Shi De's wish coming true.
-
the vibrator at the yearend parent-subsidiaries gala?
It all comes to a head at the year end parent-subsidiaries gala that Cheng Yi hosts.
.
.
.
They arrive at Cheng Yi's head office quite early. Shu Yi insisted and Shi De complied because Shu Yi's the Vice President, he's in charge of most of the company's dealings in Taiwan, of course, he needs to be there and greet everyone important. And Shi De is here early because they're coming to the same party anyway, he might as well come here at the same time as Shu Yi. Besides, Shi De loves seeing Shu Yi in his element. There's something so magnetic about watching Shu Yi enthralls people with his words and charms them with his charisma.
“We’re here,” Shi De announces when Shu Yi doesn’t make the move to undo his seatbelt.
Shu Yi turns to look at him and nods before undoing his seatbelt. When Shi De opens the door and moves to get out, Shu Yi stops him by putting a hand on his shoulder. Shi De turns to him and sees Shu Yi with a hand extended out. He requests, “Give me your hand.”
Shi De does as bid and Shu Yi fumbles with his phone for a bit before putting Shi De’s thumb on the fingerprint scanner of his phone.
“You’re giving me access to your phone,” Shi De says dumbly, pulse fluttering right under Shu Yi’s digits.
“Mhmm,” Shu Yi agrees nonchalantly before he rattles off the passcode as well.
Shi De blinks and blinks, hand going slack in Shu Yi’s grip. And then he’s scrambling to hold onto the phone Shu Yi shoves into his palm. He blinks some more and Shu Yi nods at his phone. When he looks down, he sees an application screen open.
There are a couple of interesting-looking buttons and a graph on the screen and Shi De squints at them. Vaguely, he feels like he saw it somewhere before but can't grasp where. However, before he can ask, Shu Yi grabs his wrist and explains, "It's the vibe controller."
Shi De's eyes widen like a saucer. He swallows thickly, mouth going dry.
"You don't have to do anything if you don't want to," Shu Yi continues a bit shyly.
Shi De's mouth is so, so dry it feels like he can never speak again. His brain is scrambling for any sort of coherent thoughts. In the end he settles with, "We haven't talked about this… we don't have safe words or limits or-"
Shu Yi silences him with a hand on his wrist. He says, “I trust you.”
His eyes are shiny and earnest and Shi De's heart is bursting. Bursting.
How can Shu Yi be so giving and naughty and sweet? How can Shu Yi surrender himself so wholly and completely to Shi De like this? It's so exhilarating and delicious and Shi De is on cloud nine.
But Shu Yi can't be this indulgent with Shi De because it's dangerous, because Shi De will take and take and take until Shu Yi has nothing left. So, he warns, "Shu Yi, we talked about this, you can't just give me free reign over your body and pleasure like this."
"I can and I am," Shu Yi replies firmly, frowning with conviction.
"But this is in front of everyone," Shi De insists, "all the subsidiaries and stakeholders."
"I know and I trust you" Shu Yi answers easily and Shi De is dumb struck, "and like I said, you don't have to do anything if you don't want to."
"Do you want to?" Shi De inquires softly.
"I don't know," is the reply. Shu Yi really sounds like he doesn't know and Shi De is torn because he's never seen Shu Yi this unsure before.
He leans in to kiss Shi De briefly on the mouth and says, "you decide for me," and then he's out of the car.
-
Shu Yi clearly wants sex but he’s not taking it from Shi De like usual and Shi De is-
-confused.
He’s having trouble keeping up with Shu Yi’s train of thoughts. He has never had trouble keeping up with Shu Yi and his musings before.
-
Shi De's in the middle of a discussion with Lang Ya's head of tech, Shu Yi's phone burning a whole into his thigh when he realizes it: Shu Yi's been asking for less and less things from him.
And it’s not just sex.
It’s true that Shu Yi was always the one who started their passionate trysts, the one who started their entire arrangement, but Shu Yi’s also the one who decides where they eat, decides where they hangout, decides what movie to watch and wheedle just a few more hours out of Shi De before they have to go to bed.
Now, Shu Yi doesn’t ask for anything anymore.
It’s as if he's here perfunctorily, as if he doesn’t want anything from Shi De, as if Shi De is no use to him and Shi De is-
This is something Shi De should've realized sooner, it’s not an appropriate thought to entertain in the middle of a crowded ballroom when Shu Yi is meters away from him and they can't talk about it.
-
He feels like Shu Yi is slipping right through his fingers and Shi De is-
Shi De was used to getting nothing for so long and, then, suddenly, he gets to have everything of Shu Yi. He had too much of Shu Yi's too fast, too abruptly, and now he's getting nothing again. He was high, was drunk, was intoxicated, and now he's going through withdrawals, he's shaking, he's-
He's afraid.
-
“You okay?” Yu Xin asks, sidling up next to him when Shi De spends too long spacing out, a glass of apple juice in her hand.
SY comes over and reminds YX not to drink anything alcoholic
"You're not drinking, are you?" Shu Yi asks, squinting at the swirling liquid in Yu Xin's hold.
Yu Xin huffs, "I'm not!"
"Good," Shu Yi nods, "that's my baby in your belly, Jiang Yu Xin."
What.
What-
Shi De can't breathe. He's-
Yu Xin just rolls her eyes fondly, "Can you believe him?" she asks sarcastically, "We made him godfather and look how overbearing he is."
Oh. That. Godfather.
"No take-backs!"
Yu Xin shakes her head ruefully and ignores Shu Yi's fuzzing as she jabs a thumb in his direction, "Told him about it one day and he's already on the plane the next, unbelievable!”
“I’m having a baby! Let me be excited!”
Yu Xin just rolls her eyes fondly.
.
.
.
On the way home, Shi De manages to swallow his nausea and asks, voice small and insecure, “Shu Yi, are you fed up with me?”
Shu Yi lets out a disgruntled noise and whips around to look at him with disbelief. He demands, “Where did that come from?”
chapter 21.5
rootless
Shu Yi doesn’t part from Shi De on the greatest of terms.
He thought he’d feel better when he saw Shi De but he didn’t. He just felt stuffier than ever, limbs still jittery and restless even after Shi De took him for hours on the soft beddings. Shi De fucked the horniness out of him, kissed him so hard, held him so tight, came in him so much, and yet he still feels jittery and restless.
And then, when he left again, it felt wrong. Even when Shi De held his face tenderly between his palms and kissed him sweetly all over his face, promising to welcome him into his house again, it didn’t feel right.
It was suffocating.
And tiring.
It felt as if life was being sucked out of his arms and legs, every step he took out of Shi De’s bed that morning felt like lead and he just felt heavier and heavier.
Shu Yi’s exhausted now. Impossibly so, especially when his work to restore Taiwan's headquarters seems to be endless. His eyes blur over legal papers and company assets that Bing Wei and Zhe Yu sent to him.
And Shu Yi feels lonely.
Shu Yi is used to being alone and he has never felt lonely. Not even when Kaa-san left him and Tou-san; not even when Tou-san went on long business trips when he was young and he was left alone in a quiet mansion; not even when he lived alone in Tokyo while attending university with a broken heart. Not even now, before now, before he visited Taiwan again, when he lived alone in his downtown apartment.
Shu Yi is alone now and he is lonely.
His apartment feels impossibly empty: his living room is too large, his kitchen table is too neat, his fridge is too empty, his bed is too vast.
Shu Yi has lived in the same penthouse for over three years. He has never felt lonely before. He doesn’t know what changed.
Mei picks him up and sends him home every morning and night to and from work, bringing him coffee and snacks, asking after his days but Shu Yi still feels lonely.
Yu Xin and Bing Wei call every now and then, asking after him and telling him happy tidbits of their lives, and reminiscing about their younger days, but Shu Yi still feels lonely.
Bing Wei and Zhe Yu call to talk about work and then ask about his health and his life but Shu Yi still feels lonely.
Shi De texts him everyday again, video-calling him now and then and they spend silent hours in each other’s company as they work, but he feels lonelier than ever.
It’s as if Shu Yi is missing something in life, an unknowing something that can’t be filled with neither his best friends’ giggles and wonderful news nor the warmth that his family provides.
It’s suffocating and restless and Shu Yi hates it, hates being lonely and tired and jittery and restless.
He misses and misses and misses but he doesn’t know what he’s missing.
-
Some semblance of normalcy returns during the new year as Shu Yi travels to his family’s townhouse and spends the holiday with his Tou-san and Baa-chan. They offer some sort of respite from his exhaustion and loneliness but Shu Yi knows it’s temporary at best. Still, he capitalizes on it and pushes himself to take advantage of the light and carefree happiness that clings to him as he spends his days with his family.
Jan… during their new year dinner, visiting grandma
- Dad, sharing a glance w/ grandma: when are you gonna bring her around?
- SY, confused: who? Tou-san, what are you talking about?
- Dad: the person you're dating, Shu Yi.
- SY: I'm not dating anyone
- Dad: don't lie… i know you've got someone…
- Dad: did you meet them in Taiwan? You've been flying there quite frequently…
- SY: Tou-san, you’re the one who wants to restore the headquarter there
- Dad: yes, but we don’t need to rush… and you’re rushing
- SY: no im not
- Dad: hmmm, well. I also saw u w/ a ‘woman’ at the halloween party
- SY: I'm not seeing anyone
- Grandma: really? i thought it's serious..., uve been on ur phone the entire time ure here
- SY: oh god, im a terrible grandson
- SY missing SD → he feels safe with SD
This isn't love.
Shu Yi's been in love before and it didn't feel like this, he didn't want to consume Yu Xin and be possessed by her. And that's what he feels for Shi De: to consume him, to be consumed.
Besides, isn’t love supposed to be soft and beautiful? Isn’t it supposed to be about giving and compromises? About being supportive?
What he feels for Shi De isn’t soft and beautiful. It’s not ugly… it’s just vicious and intense. Shu Yi wants endlessly, enormously. No matter how much Shi De gives him, Shu Yi wants more.
He wants to be stuffed full of Shi De’s cock, wants his fingers and his lips. Wants his cum. Wants to be pet and caressed, wants to be fed delicious, homemade food, wants to be pampered and spoiled, wants Shi De’s warm weight to hold him down as he sleeps, wants to wake up to Shi De fucking him awake.
Shu Yi wants to keep Shi De in return. He doesn’t want anyone to look at him, let alone touch him, wants to occupy his time and his space, wants Shi De to think of him. He wants Shi De to only have him.
Shu Yi wants a monopoly over Shi De's life.
He just wants and wants and wants and that’s not love. That’s desire. That’s obsession.
And Shu Yi is obsessed with Shi De, hell he even admitted it to Shi De during his moment of loneliness and vulnerability.
His nights and mornings are filled with Shi De and he can’t deny that. He sends Shi De random pictures. He’s texting Shi De even when he’s talking to Yu Xin and Zheng Wen, he thinks about sending Shi De a text or two about reports that are submitted to him when he’s reading them. Shu Yi’s truly constantly on the phone with Shi De, and talking and talking and talking. Even Tou-san and Baa-chan commented on it.
.
.
.
Loving Yu Xin wasn’t like this.
Loving Yu Xin didn’t feel like he was cherished, like he was precious like water, like stars and gems. Loving Yu Xin was all about being good and proper.
Shu Yi doesn’t have to be good and proper with Shi De because Shi De is so accepting, doesn’t judge, doesn’t question. Whatever Shu Yi does, he takes in strieds. And there’s truly no beauty in Shu Yi’s feelings when he continues to do as he please, continues to take and take and take, continues to be spoiled and pampered
full circle
i wouldn’t know any better than you
chapter xxii
in Feb, SY comes back → Cheng Yi’s establishing a main office in TW, creating dual head quarter
-
SY forgot his necktie so he asks if he can borrow SD's, SD says sure and, while he's tying it for SY, asks if it's okay for SY to where his necktie
- SY: why wouldn't it be okay
- SD: what if people notice? they'll know
- SY, blankly: you don't want people to know
- SD; do you want people to know?
SY goes to the office (bcs Hua Cing is suddenly busy & chaotic)
- He’s a high profile member from the parent company so he can laze around in Hua Cing
- SY basically lives in SD’s house
YX’s like ‘why are u in Hua Cing??’
- YX is preggo and SY showers her w/ gift
- SY: im surprised you’re only pregnant now ;3
- YX: ZSY! THE MOUTH ON YOU!
- ZW: There’s this thing called a condom, Shu Yi. I hope you’re using it.
- YX: FANG ZHENGWEN!
- SY: *glances at SD, his foot climbing up SD’s calf*
- YX: I still don’t forgive you for not attending
- YX: You never visited Taiwan even once during the seven years you were away, not even for my wedding. What changed?
- SY, looking at SD: maybe, I’m thinking about moving back.
- YX: why now?
- SY: maybe because I was asked.
- YX: I asked, multiple times, but you never considered it, not even once.
- SY just shrugs and smiles
- When YX leaves, SY tells SD he's wearing a buttplug
-
in an attempt to lure SD home, SY wears a buttplug to the office in the office & tell SD & promise to let SD do anything
(→ ties SY's hands to the headboard cock ring, dildo, SD's fleshlight, face licking)
- SD: u like being filled right? It’s filling u now, look, it’s vibrating too, it’s so good for u isn’t it? U don’t need me at all)
- (SY begs for SD’s dick & plays w/ SD's ears bcs that's one of his erogenous zones)
- SY: in me, please, please, i don't want to come from it, i want to come from u, please, please, in me, in me, please
- SD licks SY's stretched rim all around the dildo
- he eats SY w/ the cock ring & SY dry orgasm
- SY: ure so mean, so mean, so mean, why won't you fuck me, please, please, your cock, please
- SY: idc, i just want to feel you in me, please, please fuck me, pls, come in me, i want to have you, i want your cum
chapter xxiii
SD goes back to the office the next day & overwork himself again
- ZX tattletales to PSY & PSY banishes him to his house, with strict instructions to fckn rest or i will tell your mom.
- he speaks w/ PSY on speaker
- PSY : we've been over this, u promised, etc
- SD: stop acting like a doctor, you're not a doctor anymore
- PSY: my license is still valid, I'm still a doctor… I just only have one patient and that patient is you
- SD: you're being annoying
- PSY: no, u're the one being annoying here, go home, rest, don't do anything straining
- SD: stop worrying so much
- PSY: I wouldn't worry so much if you're alone but that guy is here and he's gonna suck you dry-
- SD, scrambling for his phone: PSY!
- then he talks with PSY on hand-phone mode
- SY frowning apprehensively & SD tells not to take it to heart
He goes but he still works secretly
- SD pulled a few all nighters? or he's super busy and he's still working when he's at home.)
- SY tries to make him food (he insists, so SD just watch him from the kitchen table) but ends up messing up so SD helps him clean up and they order in
- This is a unique form of intimacy, Shi De thinks, knowing someone’s living space so well. Especially for Shi De, who is reluctant to let many people into his life to begin with, let alone his home.
- The only refuge from this cycle of nothingness is Shu Yi. For however long Shu Yi chooses to indulge him as such, Shi De will cherish the escape from monotony. Shi De feels invigorated when he’s with Shu Yi, has done from the start, even when that feeling had been overshadowed by suspicion, by rage, by other emotions that Shi De does not deign to address. Now, no looming secrets between them, Shu Yi just makes Shi De feel like he’s living.
- SY tempts him by riding a dildo in the living room, in front of SD as he code (sybil thing)
a few days later, SD collapses (?)
- SY freaks out so he calls an ambulance and then calls YX to tell her that SD's hospitalized & taking a few days off
- YX comes visit during lunch break
- YX's like why are u staying w/ SD??
- (SD overhears)
- YX tells PSY, who later shows up to take care of SD
- PSY casually talks about telling SD's mom & dad about this
- PSY, at SY: so u must be the one who wears him out when im not there to take care of him
- SY becomes extremely jealous bcs he misunderstands that this is confirmation that PSY is the other sex friend of SD that he assumed and that he’s more important to SD than SY
- (SY slams the door shut & goes to YX's house in a fit of jealousy)
chapter xxiv
SD goes in and out of sickness, only seeing PSY & not SY
→ SD asking for SY so PSY calls SY and tells him to come and take care of SD because he can't be here to always take care of SD
- PSY: u made him like this, take responsibilities
- SY: I'll only go if u're gone
- PSY: im not leaving him alone, he's sick
- SD, who's been resting on the couch or sth, overhears bcs PSY is cooking & has his phone on speaker, and tells PSY to go. He calls SY and tells SY that PSY is gone now.
- SD: PSY is gone now, can you come back?
- SD: please, come home.
SY comes ‘home’ and starts packing his bag
→ SD begs him not to leave & apologizes for whatever he did wrong but SY accuses him of being in love PSY
- SD, crying: please don’t leave me, i love you, please don’t leave me again, please
- SY: don’t lie. i know you love him! Don’t lie!
- SD: i don't love him, i love u!
SD drags him into the art studio and shows him all the canvases he has of Shu Yi
→ they talk things thru
- SY: why didn't u tell me?
- SD: u're still in love with YX
- SY: what? no i don't
- SD: don't lie, u told me u loved her
- SY: loved. loved, past tense, not anymore. i stopped loving her years ago
- SD: lies, u couldn't even come to her wedding
- SY: yeah, bcs i was recovering from the skiing accident
- SD: oh
- SY: i told u was hospitalized for a month! how did you not connect the dot? how can u be the smartest, most perfect person i know but still be this dumb?
- SD: i can't think properly when it comes to u
- SY: oh. oh. how much do u love me
- SD: so much, so long, I've loved you for eighteen years
- SY: u don't tell me things either
- SY: i thought you had a thing going on with Pei Shou Yi
- SD: he's my cousin
- SY: well, u never mentioned he's ur cousin! what was i supposed to think?
- SD: that he's my friend?
- SY: what friend knows ur mom and has a key to ur house.
- SD: YX knows my mom and has my house key
- SY: GSD! That’s beside the point!
- SD: okay, sorry, sorry, i’m-
- SD: i was scared, i thought u hated me and then i thought u'd only want sex from me. im still scared now. i love u so much for so long, please don't leave me
SY kisses him despite his sickness
- they cuddle and go to sleep
chapter xxv
SD wakes up to an empty bed
- panics bcs he thought SY left (SY didn't say he loves SD last night)
- the stress & emotional vulnerability make him cry
SY comes running
→ SY tells him he was in the art studio, telling SD that he never realized he's so loved
- SY: u make me soft and beautiful
- SD: u're already beautiful. u're perfect and i love you. I've Loved you for so long.
- SY: im not beautiful or perfect, I'm demanding and difficult and spoiled but you love me anyway. you soften me
- SY: i forgot to tell u that i love u, last night
- SD: u don't have to, i didn't tell u hoping that u'll say it back to
- SY: i want to tell u, i want u to know
- SY kisses his cheeks: i love you
- SY: i love you without how, or when, or from where, i just love you (Pablo Neruda)
- SY: you made me realized that i lack love, u gave me the courage to face my problems, to move back, to pursue happiness
- → SP EP 'lacking in love' convo
soft, gentle lovemaking UwU
chapter xxvi
They become boyfies
Domestic fluff → nth change at all??? Whut???
clean the Room™ together and work thru their feelings
SY is indescribably grateful for the love SD has for him but he fears that he might take too much because SD is so giving and indulgent
- he suggests that they go to couple therapy and SD panics, asking if he did something wrong. SY is quick to reassure him, telling him that nth is wrong he just wants to love SD better and, besides, it’s better to work on sth and make it better
- SY: Love is supposed to be a good and beautiful thing. It’s supposed to be about taking care of and supporting each other. Love is about security and forgiveness and compassion. I’m scared and insecure. I’m needy and petty and I don’t ever want to let you go. There is an emptiness within me that constantly craves love and attention and I fear that I’m going to drain you of your happiness.
- SD: A relationship isn’t just about being boyfriends, it’s about understanding each other as a person, knowing each other's flaws and imperfections and loving each other anyway.
- SD tells SY that his love for SY is endless, that SY is his happiness so as long as he’s with SY, he’s happy. SY can’t be draining him of happiness if he’s the reason why SD is happy.
- UGLY SOBBING ENSUES
- Shu Yi asking Shi De to speak his mind, be truthful with him, asking Shi De to trust him and be vulnerable with him: The opposite of talking is isolation & fear
chapter xxvi
it’s a circle, it’s a promise, it’s a vow
-
“By yonder blessed moon I swear,
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops—”
“O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.”
-
meeting SD’s family
- Ashley makes an appearance (spring break March - April)
- "Oh hello, who are you?"
Her Mandarin is atrocious, even worse than Shu Yi's.
He glares at her, about to ask who she is, why she's in his boyfriend's house, how did she even get in in the first place, when he sees a little boy eating fruits on the sofa. He looks about six or seven and looks just like Shi De. Shu Yi's heart shakes and then he runs back out.
The door rattles open and the lady is running after him, calling out, "Hey, hey, hey," and banging on the roof of his car. Well, Shi De's car, technically, but whatever Shi De's is his and vice versa.
A particularly loud bang makes him glare at her and the lady raises an amused brow, "Can you please step out of my brother's car?"
What. Brother.
Shu Yi frowns. - GSD’s mom welcoming SY into the family
later, goes to YX & ZW's house
- Shu Yi: IDK if it was really love or if it was my loneliness and confusion but I know for certain that it's nothing like what I'm feeling for Shi De.
- Shu Yi: It's all-consuming and I'm scared. I’m terrified whenever I look at him.
- Shu Yi: I already gave him so much and did so many things for him but it still doesn’t feel enough because what he did for me was… There is an endless well of emptiness within me that constantly craves love and attention and he gives them to me so freely and makes me realize that it’s okay to ask for love and attention because everyone does that. He doesn’t just say it. He is there. Even when I’m selfish and difficult, he was there.
- Shu Yi: He’s there. And it terrifies me because I don’t know what this is. I don’t know how I’m going to repay him. I feel like anything I do for him or give to him will never be enough, and I already gave so much to him. So much. And I’d give him even more of me whether he ask for it or not and that’s fucking terrifying.
- Shu Yi, realizing something: I'm terrified of what I'd do for him. I look at him and I just love him. And it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for him, what I'd be giving to him.
"You want to marry him," Yu Xin says, plain and simple, and-
-and-
It's-
It makes sense.
It makes so much sense.
It’s like waking up to the soft morning light and Shi De’s gentle warmth plastered against his back. It’s like a table full of homecook meals and his feet tucked in between Shi De’s as they work at the kitchen table. It’s like Shi De’s lips on his skin, on his hair, on his lips, like Shi De’s dick tucked safely inside of him, like Shi De’s fingers in between his. It’s like- it’s like-
Shu Yi loves Shi De. He does. He does. A lot.
It makes sense.
Shu Yi turns to look at Yu Xin, heart in his mouth, and she just smiles benevolently, her eyes are soft and understanding.
-
Shu Yi wants to marry Shi De.
-
Meet SY’s family
- Takes SD to meet his dad and grandma in JP
- Meets Mei’s family + her backstory (teen pregnancy + SY taking her away from his mother’s side of the family → SD understanding that he’s not close w/ his mother’s side bcs of their conservative ways, das why he didn’t stay in TW + didn’t introduce him to his mother’s side)
- SD at a japanese shrine, sneaking glances at SY
- mile high club : airplane sex, returning to TW from meeting SY’s grandma
“Let’s go meet my Tou-san,” Shu Yi says as they wash the dishes one night.
Shu Yi knows this isn’t the best of time to ask such a question but he’s been worrying himself sick about this issue. His hands are sweaty and shaking but the suds mask his nervousness well and he hopes his voice isn’t shaky. He truly doesn’t want Shi De to worry over him especially when he’s overthinking about such a small thing. He met Shi De’s parents, his family, and was basically inducted into his family with the way Ashley gossips with him and the way Oscar wept into his neck. Shu Yi thinks it’s only fair that Shi De meets his.
Besides, he wants to introduce Shi De to his Tou-san and Baa-chan. Shu Yi wants to show him off, wants his Tou-san and Baa-chan approval, not like he needs it to begin with but he wants his Tou-san and Baa-chan to know that he’s so, so incredibly happy with Shi De. He wants them to see how much Shi De loves him, how much he loves Shi De in return.
Marriage proposal by SY
- SD wakes to SY shielding him from the sun with his hand, he grabs SY's hand and kisses his fingers. SY suddenly says ILY and SD snuggles into his chest, kisses the place over his heart up to his cheek, saying ILY back with every breath. SY is ticklish so he wiggles about and reprimands him by calling Shi De's name.
- SD ends up hovering over SY and SY palms his cheeks delicately
- SY: Let's get married
- SD: *silent and blinking tears away*
- SY: I love you so much, Gao Shi De. Marry me and let me take care of you, let me make you happy. Marry me, Gao Shi De, let me make new memories with you.
- SD: *gaping*
- SY: Is that a "no"?
- SD: Yes
- SY: *raises a brow*
- SD: I mean no! I mean yes, yes let's get married
- SY pushes up to kiss him
- SD says yes and SY scrambles to go get his parents wedding ring from inside his luggage… SD wears SY's mom's (and grandma's) wedding ring on his pinkie
- SY: it's my mom's… and my grandma's
- SY: u don't have to wear it… we'll get a proper ring later but i want you to have this ring