Work Text:
Tsukasa was certainly not alright. The role of William Hale was still affecting him. Or maybe it was what he’d done in order to portray the man.
The director was so proud of that script too…
Rui was quite perturbed by the fact that Tsukasa’s strangely healthy, completely un teenager-like sleeping habits had changed. He was up as late as Rui was, maybe even later.
Why was he texting past midnight, replying to messages that normally would be answered come morning, punctuated by an exasperated and really, you should have sleeping!
Odd. Very odd. Tsukasa’s body wasn’t used to sleep deprivation, not like Rui. He’d been falling asleep in class so often the teachers had begun to notice. Of course, it was cozy and safe feeling to have his dear one asleep on his shoulder, but it was a sign of how things were not how they should be.
Koryu Sakaki was an award-winning director, an adult, so he likely knew what he was doing. The more amateur director didn’t want to think he had bad intentions, but…
“However, there is one thing I absolutely need you to do for this. That is... to confront your own memories and experiences.”
The past was hurting Tsukasa just as much as Rui’s was hurting him.
After the blonde boy had casually referenced not remembering most of his early childhood and some of what happened with Saki, he’d known there was trauma. He understood, because most of the time, almost all of middle school had been a hazy blur.
Opening up the Pandora’s box of memories just to fuel your art, just to feel the pain, was dangerous.
While some parts of going through his own repressed memories and processing those emotions through shows had been helpful, he kept spontaneously recollecting the past against his will since the workshop. Thoughts he hadn’t had in years were attacking him. He knew he’d been utterly delusional between the ages of 12 and 14. Therefore he was self aware and wouldn’t go back to those habits, any of them. He simply couldn’t.
But here was another thing he had no control over and the boy loved needed craved control
Tsukasa was quiet. That was very, very alarming. Rui sat, pondering and staring at the sky and not eating his lunch until he got a random flash of a different rooftop he’d left behind long ago and shuddered. No, he was here. He had to stay here because his star most definitely wasn’t.
He stared at the blonde, memorizing the details to keep himself from dissociating.
Beautiful sunset colored hair, somewhere between wavy and curly. (it was a mess.)
Tanned skin with a light dusting of freckles.(He clearly hadn’t done his egregious skin care routine in a while.)
Orange eyes flecked with yellow, bright and excited usually, but staring at nothing now.
And oh no, he was skin picking again.
“Stop that.” He took the star’s warm hand and kissed it. “You’ve been doing that far too much lately.”
It had always been a stim of his, but usually he recognized it and directed it towards one of the fidgets he kept in his bag. “Ah! I didn’t even notice!” He looked distressed about that, as he should be.
Constant skin picking had been the start of Rui’s middle school habits.
Because when that pain hadn’t been enough…
No, Tsukasa wouldn’t. Or maybe Rui just wanted to think that.
The blonde boy was now abusing an eyeless fish squishy. Good. His arms needed to be safe, unlike Rui’s, unsightly with scars.
“Rui? You talk more with Asahi-san than me, have you heard anything?”
The purple haired boy shook his head. “Silence. A few pictures of my robots were left on read, so at least he’s alive.” He chuckled, no genuine laugh in it. “I’m concerned too. He typically would like to see one of our shows, and he’d inform us of a scheduling conflict.”
It was as if Asahi Genbu had disappeared off the face of the earth.
“Well I do hope he’s alright! After all, he only recently recognized me as a proper rival!” Tsukasa’s regular tone seeped back into his voice.
“Me too, after all, we had been making such grand plans for a trip to New York City to see,” he let a deep dramatic sigh. “Maybe Happy Ending…”
Just thinking about that show brought a smile to his face.
“Tsukasa-kun, have you listened to it yet?” The other shook his head.
“Oh, no, sorry Rui. I’ve just been so busy. I will though!” He leaned against the taller, who was fully prepared to launch into telling him absolutely everything about that show, but then the stupid bell rang.
Sigh. School would never cease hating him.
When he got home, he went straight to his desk. There was always another show to be worked on, existing shows to be edited.
Rui would never admit it, but he was burning out. But that was impossible, he was Wonderlands x Showtime’s insane, innovative director, and he had to keep working hard. It was clear he was still an amateur after watching Sakaki work.
Time had no meaning for him once he got in his flow. This show had been the more family friendly option than the one he went with, but still had a bit of that disturbing element, what what with the forest scene. It was a fractured fairytale, one of his favorite types of stories. If it had been staged, he would have had to build a bunch of mechanical marionettes, so maybe it was for the best.
The monster show had been his pain of otherness brought alive, The Princess and the Cursed Flower, upon closer examination, was quite a bit made of his own experiences with total despair. (And Tsukasa had made himself suffer to play Bless too, didn’t he?)
Rui wasn’t quite sure where exactly the themes of Parade to Heaven had come from. There ideas had come in a dream after a late-night consultation with his old notebooks while listening to Hadestown but it wasn’t exactly clear. Angels and hell weren’t his typical playground.
Maybe he was just getting better ideas.
He remembered the terror in Len’s eyes as he told of Tsukasa staring at his hands as if they were not his own, chanting don’t forget don’t forget don’t forget,unable to know what was real
It was dinner time now, but he needed to keep looking over this one. He knew his self care had worsened since the Arcland workshop, but it was just an improved work ethic.
Eating was making him feel guilty again and he was scared to examine what that meant.
Because he hadn’t been eating properly during the directing workshop and the run time of The Princess and the Cursed Flower, he’d lost a bit of weight. The outline of his ribs was ever so slightly showing again, and his traitorous brain wasn’t observing this as neutral.
Do you want to see how far you can go again?
No, he had told his brain upon noticing this. He did not. A director should take good care of himself. Also, he’d break everyone’s hearts. Emu didn’t need to see him break. Nene didn’t need to see it again. Tsukasa needed them all to be steady.
But he still didn’t plan on eating anything substantial for dinner, did he?’
He had to keep working on this. After all, he didn’t want to make boring shows, boring shows that didn’t make anyone feel a thing.
“You really know how to make something so boring.”
Sakaki had turned to make uncomfortably direct eye contact with him to say that. The boy hadn’t forgotten. That meant it was truly important.
Nene had said that was kind of rude when he’d relayed the feedback, but surely his intention was good. To help, and not hurt.
The experienced director had their best interests in mind, he must. No other purpose than helping to improve their shows made sense, even if the result came at too high a price.
Still, a few moments had been off, during his help with Parade to Heaven.
“Stumbling over your own choreography, eh?”(Rui was already terrified of his horrible motor skills ruining a show without it being pointed out. Also, it was a simple rehearsal, a small mistake. There was no reason to be so smug about it.)
“Don’t you want to make it compelling?”(Couldn’t he see Tsukasa was losing it? That it wasn’t just a lack of focus? Why didn’t he tell him to stop this?)
Come to think of it, telling someone to act out killing their own family in order to understand a role sounded quite twisted, didn’t it?
Rui had felt total isolation, loneliness that looped in on itself as he pushed everyone away, feeling completely lost in the world. Like he’d never belonged anywhere at all, like the cold was all he deserved.
And Tsukasa had knowingly plunged himself into that kind of pain, forbidding them from speaking to him.
“Don’t. Not now.”
Those beautiful eyes were completely dead.
His parents came home, and he hugged them extra tightly. They’d loved the show, and his father had been making constant references to it.
“Sorry we had to be back so late…” his mother apologized, undoing her curly purple hair from her ponytail. “We’ll make up for it this weekend.”
His father nodded, words gone. Haru loved his job. However, it also seemed to drain his energy away.
Would it be better for him if they were around more? Yes. But that would require a rewiring of the very systems the world was built upon.
They’d help if he had the courage to tell them of the situation he and his friends found themselves in. About Tsukasa.
Rui hugged his mother again, burying his head in her shoulder. “I’m glad. I’ve missed you.”
The two were actively falling asleep, so they went to bed. Rui went to his room.
🌟🌟🌟‼️🌟‼️Wonderlands x Autism Spectrum Disorder 🎊🎉🏮🎐🎊‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️🌟🌟
10:07
Emu: GUYS :D
Emu: I feel so yippee!!!!! And wonderhoyyyyyyyyy!!!!!
Emu: I was a little schloopy but now everything is great!!!!!!!!!
Nene: define schloopy
Rui: Sad, tired, maybe a bit stagnant
Emu: YEAH THAT’S IT
Rui: Well your happiness is always a good thing! Did anything especially lift your spirits?
Emu: yea! I’m rewatching BFB!
Nene: that’s the object show you like right
Emu: YES BFDI YOU SHOULD ALL WATCH IT TOO
Tsukasa: Emu, I tried! But why does it look like that? How does one drown in bread? That doesn’t make any sense?????
Nene: what
Nene: you can suspend your disbelief enough for them being objects but not
Nene: you astound me
Tsukasa: It’s PWRFEXTLY UNDERSTANDABLE
Tsukasa: PERFECTLY
Nene: you’re right it is pwrfextly understandable
Tsukasa: Nene! Be kind to your troupe leader!!!!!
Emu: X IS SOOOOO SOO
Emu: I JUST LOVE THEM OK
She proceeded to send many, many images of the little yellow thing. Rui smiled at his phone.
Rui: I fully intend to watch it soon once my mind has interest space!
Rui: Who do you think I’ll like?
Emu: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Emu: well
Emu: Maybe Four bc he’s really really chaotic and I just! Vibes
Emu: buuuuut you might like Golf Ball and Tennis Ball because they’re inventors
Rui: oooh
Rui put his headphones in his ears to listen to Maybe Happy Ending as Emu spammed the chat. It was always an easy tether to the present. In middle school, its Broadway iteration wasn’t even in existence.
He made a list of recreational things to do in his notes app the next time he was bored.
- Watch BFDI
- Build the marionette robots just in case
- Rewatch the two hour Tom Gray interview
- Complain about the parts of pnf s5 I don’t like
Rui liked lists. He made them for his own entertainment, to create order when there was none.
Emu went to bed. Nene informed them she was muting the chat in order to play a rhythm game.
The director had been having fragmented nightmares lately, and didn’t wish to sleep, so he decided to go to Sekai. Things there were always consistent. Safe.
Upon arrival, he was immediately drenched by rain.
What the fuck? He thought, because it did not rain in Sekai. It was a rather beautiful sight, though, the rain clouds just as breathtakingly beautiful as the stars.
Storms were such free spirits, never asking to atone for existing so destructively.
It was likely very stupid to stare at the sky and become dripping wet. He ran towards a brightly lit circus tent to get some shelter and found all the Vocaloids in a state of distress.
The twins hugged him tightly and dragged him in and onto a beanbag. “Rui-kun! You’re here!” Rin said, the edge of tears in her tone. Miku’s ears were pressed against her head, tail twitching. “I am! As usual, I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t expecting the weather.” he gestured as if to indicate the rhythm of raindrops beating the fabric. “This is extremely out of the ordinary. Has it ever rained here before?”
The cat girl who was usually so bouncy shook her head. Right. Her and Kaito were the original guardians of the Sekai and knew information the others didn’t.
The feelings of the Sekai’s creator affected the little pocket world, which had led to the creation of the harbor, among other things. Len chattered nervously. “Y’know, I thought rain would be way more fun! Not uh…” he startled at thunder. Miku covered her ears. “Scary. Very very scary.” He hugged his sister for comfort.
Tsukasa was suffering now, enough to make it rain in such a bright place. He needed confirmation, though.
“Kaito, this is because…of the way Tsukasa-kun is feeling, correct?” The Vocaloid nodded.
The blue haired man rocked a little to focus before speaking. “Correct. Unfortunately…he’s been coming in here late, seemingly panicked, but never says why. Whatever happened…it’s drowning him.”
Luka had been sleeping on Meiko as per usual, but she sat up now. “I blame that weird man with the glasses. The one who was mean to Rui-kun.” She yawned. “He was working on directing Tsukasa, so maybe he was mean to him too.” She closed her eyes and went back to sleep.
She must be referring to Sakaki. But he wasn’t mean, just…had gone a bit further than he should have.
Neither the director nor his star would have pried open the vault to their memory if not for him if he hadn’t left well enough alone Tsukasa wouldn’t be in pain and Rui wouldn’t be desperate burning aching for control
Hugging everyone goodbye, he left Sekai and fell asleep, too tired for dreams.
Rui awoke. His body ached, particularly the ankle he’d sprained last year. He grabbed his phone and checked the notifications.
Mizuki: guess what your girl’s coming to school today
Mizuki: and I want to talk to you! Is lunch good?
He blinked, eyes still bleary.
Rui: indeed. Rooftop?
The answer would be yes, of course.
It would be good to finally tell someone anything. He could trust the girl he’d lived through hell with.
He just had to get through a few classes…
Tsukasa was in first period before him, which was fairly common. His head rested on his arms as he slept.
The boy gently sat beside the other, tapping him on the shoulder when class began. The blonde mumbled an incomprehensible apology and took the notes with handwriting he surely wouldn’t be able to read later. Lucky for him, Rui took them, and his dear was one of the few that could decipher what he wrote.
“Here’s the notes you ah…scribbled.” He said in the hallway, passing them to the star. “Are you certain you don’t want an energy drink? I have another in my bag.” Tsukasa accepted the papers and shook his head.
“No! And you shouldn’t be drinking that either. It’s full of chemicals!”
“Ah, but dihydrogen monoxide is also a chemical, my star.”
The shorter boy tilted his head. “What?” Rui smirked, eyes squinting with mischief. “Water. It’s water.” This earned him a light smack on the shoulder.
They reached their next class. Rui was bored the moment he walked in.
The teacher, a woman much too bubbly for second period, was saying something about a project she was assigning.
If it was a randomly assigned group project, he was going to commit war crimes. Not really! But those were the bane of his existence, always had been.
Okay, good. It was solo. Him and Tsukasa could talk whilst procrastinating on their work. But a lot of their in-class conversations relied on the blonde boy’s chattering. The chattering that was currently very absent, on account of all the dissociating. Currently he was doodling scribbles that vaguely resembled black holes on a blank sheet of notebook paper.
Light itself couldn’t escape black holes.
The air was humid, wet, and the sky above was cloudy, reminiscent of last night’s Sekai rain. Rui paced, waiting for Mizuki. When the door opened, when the girl sat next to him all bright and sly against the gloom, tension he didn’t know existed left him. “Hey!”
“Hello there Mizu.” He hugged her from the side, and the amount of time and pressure put into it revealed his need for comfort.
She patted him on the head. “I’ve missed you! You’ve been so freaking busy! I barely got two words in after your show.” She’d come opening night, before Sakaki had entered the scene.
“I missed you as well.” He sighed. “It has been exhausting though.”
“Yeah, I know.” She stared at him before gently asking, “So what’s wrong?”
He blinked, not expecting to be asked so directly. “I…it’s complicated. All tangled in knots.” The director flapped his hands, trying to collect the thoughts. “How’d you know I needed you to ask?”
She shrugged and flipped her hair. “I’ve known you a long time, for one. You look tired, too, now that I’m here. Also, something is clearly up with Tsukasa-senpai, and therefore something is up with you.” Her face scrunched up, before adding, “Come to think of it, I didn’t hear him yelling good morning, or in the halls…that’s weird.”
Rui knew Mizuki was perceptive, always had been, but it still took him by surprise. “Ah. Your powers of observation have once again served you well.”
How much should he say? Letting the stress fester inside him would make him unreliable in the long run, but true vulnerability felt like ripping his very skin off, causing more pain.
And Tsukasa deserved privacy in his suffering, didn’t he?
“Rui?” Her hand was on his back. “You okay?” He nodded.
“I’m…sorry, the words are hard.” The girl waited, and a sudden gust of wind blew her beautiful long hair over her face. Another comforting reminder of the distance from the past.
Slowly, he found it, a short explanation leaving out details. He explained Sakaki’s help, and how Tsukasa had performed beautifully but still wasn’t exactly himself. She knew about the older director already, from her friend’s excited rambling at the beginning of the workshop. Before he’d worked and worked and barely communicated with anyone
Mizuki stared at him for a long moment. “So, can I like…kill that guy?”
“What?” She meant award winning director Koryu Sakaki, of course.
There was a growl in her voice. “What that guy did wasn’t okay. It was basically….You know that, right?” When he didn’t answer, she pressed harder. “Tell me you know that.”
The boy didn’t know, not really. He would never, ever let his star do that again , and he should have spoken up sooner, so really it was kind of his fault too. “Well, yes…” An argument with Mizuki was the last thing he needed.
After that last show, the one Nene confessed that playing opposite Tsukasa had made her genuinely fear him, he’d thought, should I push him harder? Am I holding us both back? Have I been holding everyone back from their full potential?
How far am I willing to go?
Then reality crashed down and he realized that it wasn’t worth it, never would be.
Rui was the one who needed to be better. Perfect, if that could be accomplished. He leaned closer to Mizuki.
“Hey, it’s alright. Tsukasa’s got lots of people looking out for him.” Rui sensed her taking in his slightly glazed eyes and unopened lunchbox. “…I know you hate when I ask, but have you been eating okay?”
He’d regret it later if he lied. “Ah…no. Not because of…well you know, it’s mostly because I’ve been so busy, and eating slips my mind when I’m working. But maybe it’s not just…” he shook his head.
“Rui. Tell me.” The tension was back.
“My thoughts are possibly not the best right now. Regarding a lot of things.” He mumbled. “But I won’t do anything, I promise.” Rui closed his eyes. Maybe she’d be disappointed. After all, she was finally thriving after all the hardship and he was slipping back.
The girl sighed. “Okay. I believe you. But if it gets worse, don’t keep it to yourself.” She sat up straight. “And hey, if not for yourself, please consider how stupid you get when you don’t eat.”
He blinked. “Huh?”
She giggled, smiling again. “See! Just like that. But when it was really bad… the amount of times I had to repeat things. But anyway, you can’t afford to kill your brain right now. You need to be capable of actual thought.”
The boy nodded. “Correct as usual. I’ll make sure to keep you updated on…everything.” Something inside him whispered that he was lying and Rui was inclined to agree.
The four of them decided to have a sleepover Friday night, at Emu’s house-mansion-castle. It was her idea, proposed in a Sekai meeting. The rain wasn’t always coming down in sheets, but the downy clouds put a damper on the bright place, the rides didn’t work, and the harbor plushies were displaced from the flooding.
They pretended it was normal. Strange, how people who hated change so much just let this pass by, because acknowledging what it was, what it meant was too much.
Now they came with umbrellas, as if this was how it had always been. Rui and Emu sometimes stayed out, trying to enjoy the puddles without thinking of their cause. They missed the stars, making up constellations, and cloud shapes were hard to find.
It always stormed worse at night.
When Rui and Nene arrived, Emu hug-tackled them both. “Wonderhoy!” She hung onto the green haired girl, kissing her on the cheek. “You look so pretty, Nene-chan!” In response, Nene turned bright red.
The director chuckled. “Hello, Emu-kun! Is that your painting?” Next to all the wildly expensive art that he strongly believed would be better off in a public museum than the Otori home was a rather nice, but obviously beginner piece of Phoenix Wonderland. The short girl beamed.
“Mhm! Me and Ena-san and Honami-chan try to do art together once a month, but we’ve all been soo busy.” She bounced up and down on her toes. “Anyway! I’ve prepared a plan for the most wonderhoy friendship restful-but-we’ll-be-too-excited-to-sleep, sleepover!” Then she screeched in excitement. Rui screeched back, and Nene covered her ears.
“Can you guys not…” she sighed and sat down on the couch. “Bad enough that I have the loudest class in the world.” The green haired girl pressed her index fingers against her eyelids.
“Oh…” Emu nodded, as if now understanding something. “It can be a quiet wonderhoy friendship sleepover.”
The doorbell rang. The short girl flew to answer it. “Tsukasa-kun’s here!” Nene flinched again and pulled her earplugs out of her pocket.
The star was indeed present, but didn’t look particularly here. That awful nothing was still in his eyes, and deep eyebags that he hadn’t even bothered to cover with makeup like usual. “Your troupe leader has arrived!” He posed in greeting, but not in his usual smooth, strong motion.
It was as if he was puppeteering his own body, pretending he was what he’d been before Parade to Heaven. “Ah, finally.” Rui hugged him tightly and kissed him on the forehead. Nene fake gagged.
Emu looked at the star’s faced and flinched before smiling again. “Yay! Now we can start hanging out!” The girl skipped to her large kitchen, letting them trail behind her. “I bought so so many snacks! Everyone’s favorites, because I keep track.”
Indeed, it seemed an entire convenience store was laid out on the counter, organized by package color. Nene went straight to the gummies, not even taking one of the colorful cardboard bowls set out.
Don’t look at the back of the packages. You don’t need to, it will drive you insane, and anyway, you like snacks. Emu got everything good because you are her friend and she loves you all.
The purple haired boy still took less than usual.
Tsukasa took all his favorites, but his resting face kept returning to exhaustion before twitching into some recreation of his smile. Wonderlands x Showtime sleepovers and hangouts were never, ever this quiet.
Emu was trying to make up for it, talking about which ships in her show she liked the best, laughing at her own jokes.
Right, he should engage. “Ah, those are the two you think I’d like, correct, they’re together?” She shrugged.
“Um…technically not canon canon, but they’re basically always together, and it’s been that way since the beginning!” As they all took their snack bowls to the living room floor, where bracelet making supplies were arranged on the rug, she continued selling him on this show.
Maybe a new interest would make good escapism. But he had nothing to escape from, life was good, he wasn’t alone, he was learning more and more about his craft.
They busied themselves making bracelets and playing showtunes on a wireless speaker. Hadestown, now.
The performers voices, humming along began to sing.
La,la la,la la la la echoed over each other. He’d watched that particular part of Wait for Me‘s staging so many times.
A red bead slid onto the elastic string. Some of his other bracelets were slipping down his arm.
Tsukasa and Nene sang Orpheus’s part, him and Emu as the ever important ensemble.
Since Rui had met her, his childhood friend communicated through music best.
I’m coming wait for me.
Wait.
I hear the walls repeating.
Wait.
The falling of my feet and, it sounds like drumming,
And we are not alone.
When the song finished, everything felt almost normal.
Tying off the bracelet in a perfect knot failed, and beads scattered everywhere. “Ah. That’s irritating.”
Carefully putting down a string of blue and yellow, Emu chased after his fallen material. His star picked up a single bead and stared at it.
The desire to make a bracelet had now mysteriously vanished, what with having to start over, so he sat there, rocking peacefully and daydreaming as Cell Block Tango played.
Emu ate an entire bag of sour gummy worms, and was now vibrating. “We should…we should dance! Nene-chan, dance with me!” Nene did not, in fact dance with her girlfriend, who pouted before running too fast, slipping on the polished floor, and nearly knocking over a vase that was likely worth more than the Kusanagi’s car.
Rui giggled as he helped her up. There was no scolding from Tsukasa about being careful. “Hmm…what are we going to do next, our dear sleepover planner?”
Nene added, “Sorry I’ve been so…I don’t know, not really interacting. Long day.”
Emu shook head. “No no no! I’m glad Nene-chan is here even when you don’t talk!”The green haired girl smiled. Everyone in WxS was always loved exactly as they were, no matter the struggle. The trouble was, nobody ever dealt with the struggle unless forced to. “Anyway! On the list is painting our nails! If we want!” Nobody had a problem with that, so they headed to Emu’s colorful mess of a bedroom.
Rummaging through drawers, she took out the necessary supplies. “We have like, every rainbow color, and clear, and black, and glittery versions of all of them too!”
Years of being an honorary participant of Saki’s sleepovers hosted at the Tenma house made Tsukasa quite experienced at this. Quietly, he took a bottle of sparkling dark blue. “Rui, do you want to match?” The smile almost looked natural.
“I would love that, my star.” Due to working on robots and fidgeting with the chipping polish, Rui’s nails were usually bare again three days after, but it was still fun.
Emu was using three different colors that matched surprisingly well, and Nene had chosen glitter black. A little voice piped up from the shorter girl’s phone.
“Hi hi! Ooh ☆, is this the sleepover we were planning, Emu-chan?” Miku’s little hologram face was peering over at the colorful bottles of nail polish. Those gravity defying teal pigtails were limp with water and tangled from a probable lack of brushing.
“Ah, you helped too?” Said Rui, attempting to neatly apply polish to his dear one’s left hand. “It’s been lovely so far!”
The Vocaloid straightened up with pride. “Mhm! I’m happy! You guys seem happy! We’re doing fun things like you in Sekai, too! Every night is a sleepover for us anyway though.” She giggled. “They’re fun inside activities, because the clouds keep…well, nevermind! Have so so much fun!” She disappeared back into the screen.
Despite the cheer present in the catgirl’s demeanor, something about that felt disquieting. He brushed the feeling aside as he carefully covered the nail of Tsukasa’s ring finger with blue.
Being ambidextrous, the director could handle both his own hands but let the other boy do his left hand anyway, for the closeness of it. “You have such pretty hands, Rui.” The other murmured. That…could not possibly be accurate. Scarred from both accident and intention in all manner of ways, veins typically showing, they were functional, for holding pencils and soldering irons and Tsukasa’s hand. Not pretty. “Have you ever considered playing piano? I’d teach you myself!”
“I have not. Me and instruments don’t always agree. But…” his voice lilted, “if it was you teaching me, I’d try.”
Maybe he did kind of have pretty hands, in a spindly, nearly elegant way.
This was how Tsukasa normally was, how he normally made Rui feel, so maybe it was okay, tonight would improve the situation, or fix it completely so the troupe could continue as usual.
After all, things always worked themselves out for the four, it would be uncharacteristically dramatic if not.
Keisuke had ordered them pizza, per Emu’s plan, from the place where they all found the texture satisfactory. It was time for the next event.
“Pillow fort building, yeah yeah yeah!” Emu sang to herself. They used chairs , tied together sheets, and stole a ton of pillows, creating something truly grand.
“Well, I’d say we’ve done a wonderful job of creating a comfortable structure.” The director said, nodding. Nene was playing Minecraft on her girlfriend’s Nintendo switch, surrounded by pillows. Emu was close enough to peer over her shoulder. Gingerly, Rui sat beside them and let Tsukasa settle in close.
“Are we going to pick a movie?” The blonde asked, sounding detached. “I’m okay with anything.”
This was objectively untrue when he had very strong opinions on movies, actually.
“My vote is either a Hadestown slime tutorial or The Little Mermaid.” His childhood friend perked up at the mention of the latter.
“I also vote Little Mermaid.” She said, placing the game console down next to her.
“It’s decided then!”
Now that they were engaged in a more passive activity, Tsukasa’s eyes glazed over again. The bright, animated colors weren’t what he stared at, no.
Rui had become too distracted by the movie he adored so much that it took him far too long to notice the star digging his nails into his arm, almost mechanically in motion. “Kasa, you’re doing it again.”
His love froze and pulled down his sleeve. “Right, sorry.” The director took his hand and held it tightly, feeling slightly nauseous.
Because this time, Tsukasa had known what he was doing.
When the pizza came, they momentarily paused the movie, acquired their food, put more snacks on paper dishes.
Emu and Tsukasa took three slices each, Nene took two, and Rui took one that he’d visually estimated to be the smallest
See, he was eating, he was fighting his mind, and these thoughts were not his own and would disappear in no time, like the red marks dotting Tsukasa’s skin.
He was holding his love’s hand more so he wouldn’t scratch raw patches of red into his arms than affection.
Back in the fort, they ate and sang along with the movie. Ursula was such a fascinating interpretation of the original tale’s sea witch, and he adored her, and really everything.
The first show Nene and Rui had seen was The Little Mermaid after all, so they couldn’t help but feel that wonder again when they watched it.
Tsukasa got up to use the bathroom sometime before Kiss the Girl. And he didn’t come back. “I’m going to go check on him…”
Worst case scenarios raced through his mind, all the things that could be happening, things he could have prevented…
No, Tsukasa wouldn’t…wouldn’t do those kinds of things. He was the sun itself, Rui’s sun, the one who was the catalyst for so much good in his life.
Tentatively, the boy knocked. “Kasa, are you alright? It’s been a while.”
A strained voice answered, “It’s…it’s fine…I just…”
It sounded like he couldn’t breathe well. “May I come in, if you’re not…”
The door latched clicked open. The blonde boy stared at him. “I needed time to collect myself. I needed time to…” he realized he’d already said that.
“Can I touch you?” A nod, and Rui put a hand on his back. “Do you know what’s wrong?”
In his own experience what’s wrong was a useless question, because he himself never was able to find the words.
“I’m sorry ! We’re meant to be having fun, I should be having fun! These are all fun things I enjoy partaking in! I don’t know what Tsukasa is supposed to think and feel and do, but I’m…I’m Tsukasa,right? Ha, I sound perfectly insane!” He stared at his hands, as if they’d magically feel like his own again if he kept looking. “I don’t feel like myself, or even…or even like a person at all! It…hurts, I…” he made a small whimpery sound like a wounded animal.
The director was a bit taken aback by the honesty. “Oh, oh my star…I understand that feeling, more than you know. It’s going— “
“Then what do you do?! How do you make it stop?”
The boy didn’t have a good answer.
Because what he’d done in middle school to feel some semblance of reality typically involved the first sharp object he could get his hands on.
He took Tsukasa’s hands in his and held them tight. “You can feel that, right?” The other boy nodded. “Alright good, focus on me.” The director looked at his star, trying to convince him it would all be okay. “You’re right here. Right here with me. Breathe.”
He took deep breaths until the rhythm of Tsukasa could breathe again. “Can I hug you?”
“Please…” In the quiet, he could hear the star’s breathing.
Tsukasa was in so much distress, even surrounded by friends.
And really it was all his fault.
Because, Sakaki had pushed him too far, and Rui had let him.
He’d failed the one who had never failed him.
“I can feel your heart beating.”
Rui blinked. “Is that a good thing?”
“Of course. I can focus on that, and it’s you. And I love you, and I guess…it makes you less distant. Everything is so far away, Rui…” he held on tighter.
Pressing a kiss on top of the boy’s head, he kept his face in his beautiful hair. “I know dear, I know…”
They stayed like that a while, listening to their heartbeats.
“…Do you think the girls are worried?” Tsukasa said, pulling away.
The purple haired boy shrugged. “Nene is probably asleep…ah, we’ve missed quite a bit of the movie, haven’t we?”
“Yes, we have.” He let out a sigh. “Don’t mention any of..this. And thank you, but please don’t think about it too hard. I’ll be okay!” The following laugh sounded forced. “I’m just having trouble bouncing back from William, like I did with Bless. It happens.”
Rui nodded. “Of course. But please, you don’t have to force yourself to perform for us before you’re back to 100%.”
This was just a minor issue that they had to support him through, and would, because the miracle of Wonderlands x Showtime could resolve anything. It always did.
The two walked back to the fort and caught the end of the movie.
Leaned against him, Tsukasa fell asleep, finally resting. The director had done his job and kept his star safe.
Him and Emu put on the muppet show on low volume once the movie finished. God, to be as creative as Jim Henson…
Rui fell asleep last, still holding Tsukasa, who’d he’d had to shift off his lap because the other boy’s head hurt the bandaged spot on his thigh his legs were falling asleep.
The actor woke up every morning hoping this was the day that feeling would leave him, and it never was. Today would have been good, it would have made perfect sense, what with opening his eyes to see his Rui, and the sounds of Emu echoing through the house.
“Good morning, my star.”
True to his word, his boyfriend didn’t even hint at how ridiculous he’d acted the night before. Honestly, he wished he could take all that back despite the fact that he’d felt human for the first time in weeks through Rui’s heartbeat.
They’d all surrounded the still sleeping Nene and wonderhoy-d her awake, but it still felt like acting even to say that familiar word.
Everyone was still far away, he realized at the breakfast table. The words leaving his mouth were still not his own. Tsukasa talked and laughed and joked and it would have been a perfect performance if not for the golden eyes glancing at him.
No matter what, in the morning to varying degrees, he still wasn’t a person. Well, obviously he was, factually, but it was like he wasn’t real, or maybe the rest of the world wasn’t real.
Why wouldn’t it go away? The hopelessness that had sometimes lapped at him after The Princess and the Cursed Flower had gone away.
It was worth it though, for a performance like that! His best yet, everyone agreed.
“Ha, it was almost like staring at someone who was actually trying to kill me…”
Nene had said that like a joke, but her face had been uncomfortable…
The star was ironically bad with tone. In that moment, he’d felt that pure fear and desperation. William Hale had possessed him, he felt the performance run through him, and all the pain had stuck around.
Now he was at home, in a room that was supposed to be impeccably clean, because Tsukasa liked having a clean room. It was why he was so minimalistic in his decoration choices. Tsukasa would never let the bed become so unmade the sheet was half off and some of the pillows were on the floor.
Yes, Tenma Tsukasa would never let this happen. Tenma Tsukasa would start cleaning up and organizing immediately.
The boy laid on his messy bed, the bag he’d brought to the sleepover on the floor. This was horribly unproductive. Being unproductive felt like a mortal sin, but his ambition was floating around somewhere in the tepid water that his life had become.
Do something. Anything.
But he didn’t.
Absolutely disgusting.
He examined the small scabs on his arms from his nails. Hm. It was adding up quickly…
It was finally a thing to do, to scrape off slight bits of skin, over and over again. The pain didn’t stop him because he hardly felt it at all.
Eventually that got boring too. What would The Great Tenma Tsukasa be doing right now?
Looking at this disaster of a room, he scanned for low-effort things to do, because apparently, he was just that lazy. Books, he had a few stacked on his nightstand. Because he liked reading, and they were books about acting, because he was an actor.
Why did he keep having to remind himself of the most basic components of his existence?
Yes, you love Saki, because she is your sister, and you’ve always loved her more than anything.
Yes, you have posters of various stage shows on your walls because you were in them, as a lead.
Your parents….
Ah, what did he feel about his parents? He loved them, but he’d once hated them, but he couldn’t trust his own memory of that, and he’d already killed them. Dead at the bottom of the stairs.
No, no they were alive! That had been a fantasy! They were alive and had left him alone in an empty house all night and no—, that had been almost a decade ago!
The boy couldn’t stand to look at them since the show, because he still felt like a murderer.
Blasting music in his ears relived nothing, because the songs he loved were simple noise, and they didn’t make him feel anything.
How terrifying it was, to watch your life like a blur through a car window.
The only thing that made his emotions function was going running, but it was too early in the day to use that.
Sekai…yes, he should go there. Something was always going on there!
That incessant rain hadn’t stopped yet, and the wind whipped his hair around, blowing cold raindrops into the boy’s face. Hugging himself for warmth, he headed towards the main stage. Len and Rin seemed surprised to see him.
“Oh-Hi!” The small girl wasn’t looking at him.
Len gestured him further in. “I was getting bored! Miku and Kaito are having some kind of super secret meeting, Luka’s sleeping, and Meiko’s with the plushies!” His twin nodded.
“We were trying to make a plan for a show! But then we didn’t really feel like it…”
The blonde boy tilted his head. “Meeting? About what?” This version of Hatsune Miku that was spawned from his feelings didn’t strike him as serious enough for that.
“Um…” Rin chewed on her nail. “You I think? Before we got shooed away we tried listening, and heard your name come up.”
Of all things, why him? The Kagamines had to be mistaken. “I see.” It felt impossible to perform as Tsukasa. Maybe because his true feelings wouldn’t let him lie.
“Kaito’s been so serious lately. His face is all frowns…”
It must be the state of the Wonderland Sekai, , which was caused by his current situation. This personal suffering was entirely worth it, if it meant he could give a near perfect performance, but the devastation of the once colorful world made him guilty. This distance from himself needed to end, at least for the sake of Sekai, and so he could focus on whatever project came next. So Saki would stop giving him that odd look.
Making himself useful, he comforted the harbor plushies who had lost so, so much.
How much of himself had he lost? How much was coming back?
When he exited the Sekai, it felt like the right time to go run. To clear his head, to get outside.
On a day so boiling hot he’d usually just not workout outdoors, or not at all, but he needed to feel something.
Sweat began dripping down his face five minutes in, but he had to keep going.
Heat sweltered all around him, and he breathed harder and harder. The actor ran faster, needed to feel his breath tighten and his muscles challenged.
Everything hurt, it all hurt. Nobody else was outside, it was so hot. Maybe he should stop, get ice cream…no, if he stopped it’d be back to the stagnation. Keep going, keep going.
The previous weeks came to mind.
“Keep up like this and you’ll be the kind of actor nobody can forget.”
Who stood before him? Amelia Hale? Nene Kusanagi? He couldn’t tell.
Nausea was beginning to build.
Pushing his parents down the stairs because how dare they forget how dare they how dare they forget
Why had everyone forgotten him?
Completely alone in the universe. Forever .
“We’ll never forget you, Tsukasa-kun!”
Normally he would have stopped by now.
The faces of everyone he loved were just shapes and lines and shadows, unrecognizable
The mirror was the same and worse
Heat oppressed him, but he couldn’t stop running he had to clear his mind out.
Sakaki behind him with his, “Oi, Tenma-kun!”
Why did somebody that was so helpful make him nauseous?
Tsukasa felt like he was going to die or throw up, whichever came first, so he slowed to a walk. Ugh, why was he did now feel more overheated! After draining his water bottle, he considered the ice cream idea.
Definitely a good plan. Always a good plan.
All he had to do was walk through the heat, still b dripping with sweat. The wet hair sticking to his neck and forehead made him want to scream but he was not going to! Because he was normal and sane!
The small shop was delightfully air conditioned. Perfect. Nice, cool air that wasn’t trying to kill him. And strawberry ice cream, in a cone, containing little pieces of actual strawberry.
Why aren’t you happy now?
It was good ice cream, and the sugar woke him up.
Unfortunately, he still wasn’t a person.
Maybe it wasn’t worth the effort of trying to be one.
Once again, he was staring up at the ceiling, eyes tracing the brushstrokes of the paint, all in even arcs. Ordered, structured.
His child self couldn’t have been real, he thought, before realizing that was a ridiculous concept.
Please don’t think about that anymore, he pleaded with his mind as flashes of an empty house that felt so vast and freezing hospital waiting rooms all alone because he was too little to be allowed in, wondering for hours if his sister was okay, wishing he could protect her. Wishing he could see her, to make her smile.
Was he actually angry at his parents, back then? Did he really once hate them?
It was an impossible situation, really. Their daughter needed care, and that often left his fate up in the air. Solitary creatures as his mom and dad were didn’t have very many friends to look after him, and the Aoyagis were always busy.
For both of their children’s lost years, they were now trying to make up for it, and doing it well, so…
He had pushed them down the—
No! He hadn’t. Actually. Done. That.
It was all method acting for a role he wasn’t playing anymore.
Stop thinking about it.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, and if he fell asleep, he’d have nightmares. Again.
It was so lonely. The actor was so, so lonely. Even when with his dearest friends, his boyfriend, and especially with his family.
Nobody needed to know he was going insane. He just had to push through.
But the last time he’d pushed through, it led to being a lunatic in front of Rui the night before…
Well, if Rui already knew, there was no real harm in telling him, right?
Messages between Rui and Tsukasa
24:32
Tsukasa: I still don’t feel like a person
Tsukasa: I don’t remember if I ever have
Tsukasa: Actually I don’t know if I can trust any of my memories
Tsukasa: It doesn’t stop every morning I hope it will be different and it just isn’t
Tsukasa: I don’t want this I don’t want any of this
Typing bubbles. One minute two minutes three minutes. God, he shouldn’t have said anything, how foolish—
Rui: I must admit I’m not quite sure how to help.
Rui: but I’m very glad you said something
Rui: Being alone with that wouldn’t help a thing.
Tsukasa: I know
Tsukasa: I don’t know what to do either
Tsukasa: When will it go away?
Rui: I don’t know.
Rui: Do you want to try thinking about why this is happening or talk about something stupid instead?
Tsukasa: can I just ramble about what’s going on
Rui: of course, dear.
Rui: tell me when you want a reply
He was going to regret every word he was about to type, wasn’t he?
Tsukasa: I completely forgot that I was acting during the climax the last show. I honestly thought I was murdering my daughter who was Nene as Amelia
Tsukasa: And you know, I’m glad I gave such an amazing performance, that made the audience feel so much! But now I can’t stop thinking about everything I unearthed in the process and that scene of taking my own parent’s life
Tsukasa: I will catch myself off guard thinking it actually happened or have to remind myself I’m not nine years old
Tsukasa: I really don’t like it
Tsukasa: I’m fairly sure that’s all why I feel like this but I’m worried it will just get worse and worse which wouldn’t be good for our future shows
Tsukasa: But if this is what makes my acting so good I sort of want to do something like this again, just because it works so well, as long as I can figure out how to fix it afterwards.
The boy stared at the wall of text.
Regret was already hitting him, Rui did not need to know that! He really really didn’t!
Rui: No. Never, ever use that process again. If it does this to you after, if you isolate yourself like that, it will wear you down completely.
Rui: You have given amazing performances without hurting yourself, you will do it again, and I’m so sorry I didn’t speak up during rehearsals.
Tsukasa: but it worked
Rui: it’s not worth it if it takes you away from us
Rui: Sakaki-san is an accomplished director, and I wanted to trust his methods, but you clearly should not have continued like that
Rui: I shouldn’t have let you.
Rui: I don’t want him getting involved with our shows anymore without setting clear boundaries, even though I’m sure his intentions were good.
Tsukasa: I think I understand what you mean
Tsukasa: he gave me all that advice but something about him made me uneasy? But I don’t want to be paranoid
Rui: oh same! I want to trust him because he seemed friendly with Tom Gray, but he forgot he was working with you, specifically
The boy didn’t know what that could possibly mean.
Tsukasa: huh?
Rui: ah, my phrasing was poor, forgive me.
Rui: He treated you like the actor he wanted, not who you are. Not like…a skill level thing, exactly? I don’t know how to put it to words.
That was still really unclear.
Rui: What you fail to realize is that you’re like
Rui:Traumatized
Tsukasa: My childhood was not THAT bad
Rui: You can’t remember most of it and when you do it’s extremely distressing and you have to remind yourself of how old you are.
Rui: Yes it was. And prying into that kind of thing messes with your head, especially if you isolate yourself like that.
Honestly, he’d known that. He’d known that for a long time, but being told made it feel like he wasn’t just making things up.
Tsukasa: Well. Maybe.
After all of this, he sort of felt alright.
Tsukasa: Thank you, my love.
Tsukasa smiled at the screen, despite everything.
Rui: Do you feel human again?
Tsukasa: Yes.
Tsukasa: Sorry about all this.
Facing Rui tomorrow would be a little embarrassing….
Rui: Don’t apologize. I’m sorry for letting you get hurt.
Rui: If you need me, I am there.
Tsukasa: I’ll keep that in mind, my moon.
Tsukasa: Go to sleep.
Rui: Fine, if my star insists…..
Tsukasa tried to sleep, but ended up playing a stupid mobile game Emu and Rui had gotten him hooked on before finally being settled enough.
At least tonight, there were no dreams, nightmarish or otherwise, for Tenma Tsukasa, who was, in fact, a real person.
The actor awoke, eyes still screen-tired.
Uniform, breakfast, walk to school. Routine. He liked routines. Unfortunately, his new routine seemed to involve sleeping through first period.
Once again, his brain was soup. Not good soup, either.
Soup? Sleep deprivation was making him stupid.
Nothing changed.
After last night he’d thought it would finally be the morning this was all over.
No. Nothing changed.
You are a hall monitor. Do your job. Stay in character.
Using his powers of projection, he told off several students in the hallway. The scene went on.
Despite the fact that the face in the windows was nothing but a collection of shapes and lines, despite the indescribable ache in his chest, the scene went on.
The director found it believable this time.
Or maybe he was just too tired to halt it.
School was so long, and so short. Everyone’s voices garbled together. Only Rui’s was clear, his cold hands grounding him, pulling his nails from his forearms.
The scratching wasn’t really intended to hurt himself or anything like that, just once he started it was mesmerizing to stare at the reddening skin as he scraped off layer after layer.
“Please don’t do that.” He said at lunch. The director looked scared.
Tsukasa hadn’t often seen him like that.
After the Halloween show incident, the purple haired boy that he’d hardly known at the time was draped in a flighty, nervous kind of fear.
Because he was scared that one little incident would make Tsukasa hate him and end their friendship.
It was ridiculous that people had done that to someone so creative, so tender and kind with an edge of unpredictable chaos…
And then…yes, when he was preparing to audition as Rio. Rui and Nene had acted rather strangely about that.
But now it seemed he was scared often.
Because Tsukasa had let himself become this.
He tore a hole in a squish cube, rendering it unusable.
Tenma Tsukasa was a good student, so he did his work silently, efficiently.
Rui was watching him. Maybe thinking about last night. “Tsukasa-kun, are you okay?”
The actor shrugged. “Better than usual. I’m very tired..”
It was worse than usual because last night he’d tasted reality again and now it was gone.
“I’m sure you are.” Someone scraped their chair across the floor and Rui flinched, his hands hovering near his ears. Loud noises didn’t seem to bother him the way they did Nene, but when he was exhausted , his boyfriend’s senses seemed to intensify. Or maybe it always felt like that, and he hid it when possible.
There was a reason he’d do that, because…
“What’s wrong Kamishiro? You going to bolt again or something?”
While plenty of people in class saw who Rui truly was, students still wanted their fun. And the boy had gotten overwhelmed before and run out of the classroom on multiple occasions.
What was the reasoning of using a moment of pain to get at someone!?
The taller boy opened his mouth. Closed it, then softly said, “No, I wasn’t planning on it.”
At last, the star felt an emotion non-distantly.
“Don’t talk to him like that!” Anger. It had its uses. He rose up from his seat to glare at the boy who had made the comment. “Apologize to your classmate.”
Rui pulled Tsukasa down. “No. It’s fine, he was just making a little joke!” A smile accompanied the strained whisper.“Was it funny? Not particularly! But that’s all it was.” Against his better judgment, the star stayed seated, still glaring.
This…wasn’t his typical behavior, was it? It was the exhaustion. Consistent lack of sleep messed with everything.
Maybe he should go to bed early tonight….
What, to have more room for nightmares?
Falling asleep in his school uniform on the couch was not something that ever yielded good results. First off, his shirt was now covered in drool.
No running today. Definitely not. This was the kind of nap that you awoke from, still tired.
Second off, Hinomori Shiho was death glaring him, which was a terrifying sight to wake up to.
His sister’s friend could be a little scary as a small girl when necessary and was extremely scary as a teenage boy when he put his mind to it (which he definitely was doing right now!!!) but had a kind heart.
“You look like shit.”
“Thank you?” He sat up and wiped his mouth. “Where are the others?”
“Upstairs. We were down here for a while, but you were dead asleep.” The bassist shrugged. “I’m just here to get soda.” The boy stood up and turned to go to the kitchen. “You know she’s worried about you, right?”
Tsukasa just sat there, processing. “Huh?”
Shiho came back with the soda. “Whatever’s going on with you is messing with her. So…I don’t know. Either get it together or stop pretending that you have it. It is all her and Otori have been talking about.”
“I-okay.”
He was left alone in the living room.
Oh, poor Saki…
All he’d ever wanted was for her to smile. And Emu’s too-bright demeanor at the sleepover…she was overcompensating for his lack of true enthusiasm.
Well, he couldn’t rightly get it together yet.
🌟🌟🌟‼️🌟‼️Wonderlands x Autism Spectrum Disorder 🎊🎉🏮🎐🎊‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️🌟🌟
16:34
Emu: how are we today!!!!!
Emu: (it’s okie if the answer isn’t wonderhoy)
Tsukasa: My day was not wonderhoy but I will deal with it !
Nene: oh definitely not wonderhoy either
Nene: I hate everyone in the school
Nene: well not like
Nene: yk what I mean
Emu: ohhh :(
Emu: do either of you want to talk about it?
Nene: not really
Tsukasa: Same.
Emu: do you want memes?
Nene: yeah
Nene: how was your day
Emu: it was fun mostly! I talked my teacher into having us learn through a game :)
Emu: but I’m sad that you guys didn’t have a fun day
Tsukasa: It improves by talking to you all!!
Emu: YAY
Emu: Anyway I have a whole bunch of memes for you!
Emu: and funny videos!
He smiled.
Maybe everything would be okay.
That’s what you keep telling yourself.
Oh, be quiet. He thought in response to his other thought ,before grabbing his headphones and watching the most incomprehensible video he’d seen in his entire lifetime.
It was delightful.
Thank goodness for Shiho, because somehow his words had shocked his system enough to realize he was being stupid.
Now that he was properly awake and semi capable of feeling emotions, he realized that he was really hungry. How did he not notice?
Thank goodness for microwaved leftover rice! Thank goodness for the cake he was technically stealing from his dad! Wow, he sure hoped he wouldn’t mind!
🌟🌟🌟‼️🌟‼️Wonderlands x Autism Spectrum Disorder 🎊🎉🏮🎐🎊‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️🌟🌟
17:05
Rui: Well, I do believe my day was rather un wonderhoy because having a meltdown the moment I got home will do that
Rui: Thank you for the memes, Emu :3
Emu: of course!!!!!!!
Emu: Are you feeling any better now?
Rui: Yes, don’t worry.
That checked out, considering that his boyfriend hadn’t even been verbal by the end of the day.
Tsukasa: Make sure you actually rest tonight!
Rui: You too.
It was a precarious feeling, one that Tsukasa knew would inevitably shatter.
And it didn’t do so all at once, but slowly cracking.
The false memories came back at the sight of his parents.
Crack.
He stared at his phone wallpaper and had to remember that yes, that happened, yes, those were his friends.
Crack.
By midnight he was still awake. By midnight the ache had returned.
Damn it. Damn it all.
It was different than before. The pain pushed outward, rather than becoming a hard ball in the his chest, and he registered the shaking, then the tears dripping down his face.
Crying. Tenma Tsukasa did that a lot in reaction to any emotion.
The boy was crying out of no emotion, or one he didn’t know, couldn’t find shapes for.
Completely alone.
Stop it, nobody is coming to save you.
You’re being a terrible leader and an even worse—
“Big bro?” He froze. Saki had opened his door. “What’s wrong? I heard crying.”
The brother-star-actor-thing held up his hand. “I-I’m fine, just…”
“Either get it together or stop pretending that you have it.”
When she came and hugged him, he let her. And pathetically, he let himself sob into her shoulder.
No, no! He was the older sibling he was meant to protect her she shouldn’t see this
“It’s okay for you to cry, you know…” his sister said, like she could read his broken mind.
“Alright…” he sniffled. “I don’t really know what’s wrong.”
I remembered the things I forgot and how selfish I was when you were suffering but was it really selfish for a child to be so afraid?
She pulled away and sat beside him on his bed. “That’s fine! Just don’t cry by yourself. Don’t…don’t ask me not to talk to you for weeks on end.”
He put his arm around her. “Do not worry, my dearest darlingest little sister. I have been forbidden from doing anything like that even if I wanted to.”
“Good.”
That night, they talked for hours in a way they hadn’t before Parade to Heaven. Like normal.
The show must go on, after all.