Ilya Rozanov Is In Uber Trouble

@ESPN #BREAKINGNEWS: Video footage has been released of various Ottawa Centaurs players including Captain Ilya Rozanov in a heated conversation laced with threats and vulgarities aimed at the Montreal Voyageurs, several players and staff named including head coach Theriault

OR: Another video gets leaked, this time outing Ilya as the #1 Montreal Voyageurs hater of all time.

Notes:

what if the 2018 ottawa senators happened in the gcu to ilya rozanov but instead of shit talking his own team it was montreal (obviously)?

thank you to meg for the inspiration and being the best cheerleader + kath for looking it over and providing expert summary skills when my brain was broken.

make sure you have 'show creator's style' selected! hover over russian for translations :)

come find me on twitter! and as always comments + kudos are appreciated <3

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Rozanov: Okay boys afternoon skate tomorrow but it will be a light one coming off of last night's game. Everyone did an amazing job SENDING MONTREAL HOME CRYINGGGG
Dillon: but is it rly sending them home crying tho like in montreal like their already home?
Rozanov: Shut up Tanner🙄
Rozanov: ANYWAYS! No one go crazy tonight it's still the playoffs but I am going to head to Kingfisher in about an hour if anyone wants to uber over together
Bood: Can't tonight, promised Cassie I'd FaceTime with her and Milo
Dykstra: Yeah, Caitlin is keeping Susie up to talk before the series starts and it gets crazy
Chouinard: im out too cap
Rozanov: Ugh okay fine. What about you single childless losers? Can't go get shitfaced and fail at picking up women in a club so you can join your queer elders on their pilgramage
Barrett: Ummm roz I am probably gonna stay in too and FaceTime Harris?
Rozanov: Illegal. They'll take away your gay card if you don't come
Barrett: I don't think that's a thing?
Rozanov: So you hate me and want me to die? Do I need to remind you of getting outed in a very traumatic and public way and by my gay team member not publicly supporting me in the aftermath is very homophobic look for you barrett
Barrett: So it's homophobic if i don't go to a bar with you…to stay in…and FaceTime my boyfriend?
Rozanov: Correct
Barrett: Jesus okay I'm in
LaPointe: wait, will we be cancelled for being homophobic if we don't come too?
Rozanov: yes 🫶🏻
LaPointe: jesus ok lemme round up the stallionz
Rozanov: Thank you Pointy! Get all my rookie sons together we will meet downstairs in 45 minutes. Other three hooligans please respond.
Haas: 🫡
Holmberg: 🫡
Young: I've been here three years. When are you gonna stop calling me a rookie?
Rozanov: Don't talk back to your father
Young: sigh
Young: 🫡
Rozanov: Perfect! See you soon children :)

Holmberg: Is Roz…drunk?
Haas: Russians don't get drunk
Holmberg: 🙄 bro I am serious he is being LOUD and not like. roz loud. like drunken frat girl who just got broken up with loud.
LaPointe: I think part of it is in Russian but I think he just asked if the Voyageurs equipment manager got the first ever transplant of balls attached to their mouth????
Haas: What does that even mean?
LaPointe: I DON'T KNOW AND I'M NOT ASKING!!!
Young: Yeah, this is getting bad and the uber driver is staring at him HARD. Haasy try to re-direct or something ask him about Shane
Young: good job stallionz that was a close one
Holmberg: 🫡
LaPointe: 🫡
Haas: 🫡

ESPN
@espn

#BREAKINGNEWS Video footage has been released of various Ottawa Centaurs players including Captain Ilya Rozanov in a heated conversation laced with threats and vulgarities aimed at the Montreal Voyageurs, several players and staff named including head coach Theriault

8:14 AM · May 2, 2021

23.3K Retweets 924 Quote Tweets 72.1K Likes

Farah: Please give me a call whenever you get this message. Do not look at any social media at the moment and do not freak out. I am trying to get ahead of this and have statements ready to go once I hear from you.

Shane: Baby, can you please call me when you get this? I've already talked to Farah and thinks it may not be that bad if we can get ahead of it.

Yuna: Sweetheart I'm sure you've already heard from everyone so far but it's important you call Farah and Harris when you can. We love you.

Harris: Hey bud! Need to hear from you ASAP once you're awake!

David: Hey, son. Can you give Shane a call when you get this? We all just want to make sure you're okay. Love you. And for what its worth everything in that video you said was right.

Svetlana: Тебе нужно перестать попадаться на видео, когда творишь всякую херню. You need to stop getting caught on video when you're doing stupid shit.

Ilya: Sweetheart. Just woke up to five billion messages what is going on? Did Hayden Pike accidentally film our sex tape and release it?
Shane: It’s okay baby. Fuck I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you panic. You haven’t seen it yet?
Ilya: Is okay. I know you worry especially with everything that has happened lately. But no. I turn my phone on, see messages from every person I know then immediately go to my sexy fiancé to find out.
Shane: There was a recording last night of you and the Cens in the Uber. Talking about Montreal.
Ilya: Oh fuck. Bad?
Shane: Yeah. Bad. Can I call?
Ilya: Maybe not yet? I'm waking up and processing. Need to call Farah first probably to see about getting statements out.
Shane: That’s a good idea. I’ve already talked to her this morning. Apparently a bunch of news outlets have been blowing her up to get a comment from me on the situation too.
Ilya: Солнышко Sunshine I am so sorry for dragging you into my mess. I should know better than to say that shit in public like that. I didn’t even know the driver was recording.
Shane: Baby it’s okay we’ll get through it. I’m not gonna lie, the initial news reports coming out aren’t great but fuck that driver. He shouldn’t have been recording your conversation anyway.
Ilya: But still. I don’t want to make things harder for you with your team than they already are
Shane: I appreciate it but we both know they aren’t really my team anymore.
Ilya: я тебя люблю I love you
Shane: I love you too. Call me when you can.
Ilya: I will моя любовь My love

Farah: Sending over the statement now. Again, please post EXACTLY as written.
Ilya: Thank you again. When this season is over, I promise a big bonus for you.
Farah: Don't sweat it. This is what you pay me for.
Farah: But keep in mind I prefer gold over silver and I’d never say no to a private villa anywhere hot and covered in sweaty half naked men.
Ilya: Noted. Glad we have so much in common 😉

Ilya: Just got off the phone with Farah. Statement is about to go live. She already threatened me if I changed any of it it so you don't need to worry 🙄
Harris: Oh thank god. Whatever you and Shane pay her, it's not nearly enough. Are you holding up okay? What do you want me to do about press for this series?
Ilya: Farah put in the statement that I would not be speaking on it anymore.
Harris: Okay perfect, I'll let the media team know and be prepared to pull out if anything goes south.
Ilya: Pull out 😏
Harris: Maybe not the day for that bud?
Ilya: You're right sorry Harris :(

Ilya Rozanov
@ilyarozanov81

Statement from Ilya Rozanov regarding the incident on May 1, 2021 in New York:

"I want to apologize publicly to Coach Thierault and the Montreal Voyagers for my comments. Our private conversation was recorded without our knowledge or consent. I am passionate about my team, the MLH, and the competition that keeps every player moving forward, and there is no other time when the passion is as heightened as it is in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. This is an important learning experience, and I will do better. I am grateful for the support of our fans and the Centaurs organization. This will be the only statement I make on the incident going forward, preferring to focus solely on the team and playing to the best of my ability."

9:38 AM · May 1, 2021

32.1K Retweets 984 Quote Tweets 834K Likes

Hayes: Okay since Roz has officially made a statement can we talk about it now???
Dillon: wut happened?
Holmberg: ?????
Young: oh shit sex tape leak?
Ilya: No sex tape even though you would all like that very much I'm sure
Chouinard: No offense Roz but no one wants to see that
Ilya: Hmm incorrect I think. My Shane and I are very attractive and have very good sex.
Hayes: ANYWAYS. Just check Twitter it's everywhere. Leaked video of Roz bad mouthing the Voyageurs in an Uber from last night
Young: BRO I FUCKING KNEW THAT DRIVER WAS UP TO SOMETHING
Dykstra: And you didn't do anything to shut Roz the fuck up???
LaPointe: WE DID
Young: I think you mean I DID. I got Haasy to distract him.
Ilya: Wait, Haas is that why you were asking about fucking wedding color scheme?
Haas: I PANICKED OKAY I AM NOT GOOD UNDER PRESSURE
Dykstra: YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE IN THE PLAYOFFS
Haas: IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRESSURE
Ilya: Back on topic children. Yes, is a whole thing now. I made a statement. Has all been blown out of proportion I didn't even say anything that bad
Bood: Roz they've got you on video calling Theriault 'Teddy Two-Dicks'
Dykstra: I don't even know what that's supposed to mean?
Ilya: Means he's got one dick up his ass other in mouth no time to coach good hockey
Hayes: Wait can we ask questions about the video now? Isn't Hayden Pike Shane's best friend?
Ilya: Unfortunately
Hayes: So when you said "the Voyageurs looked like such shit that it made Hayden Pike look like a competent hockey player by process of elimination" that didn't upset Shane at all?
Ilya: Ah I do not think Shane has watched the video yet. He has some anxiety around waking up to leaked videos and our names trending all over social media without us being aware.
Bood: So you haven't gotten yelled at for it YET?
Ilya: Correct
Holmberg: wait i'm watching the video now this shit is so funny lmaooo. can we use that line about drapeau's mom next season when we play montreal???
LaPointe: Wait which part was that I think I missed it
Holmberg: when he said drapeau left the biggest gap opening in the net he's seen since he came out of his mom's birth canal lmaooo
LaPointe: Goddamn straight for the balls Roz 😭
Barrett: Wait weren't you guys IN the Uber too? You're also in the video???
LaPointe: Yah but most of what he said was in Russian so we didn't understand it???
Barrett: 🤦‍♂️ That whole video was definitely 100% in English
LaPointe: okay damn my bad 😩
Ilya: Okay boys listen we can talk about it more during practice but I have been instructed to not talk about it to the media so if we can keep any discussion of this to team only spaces that would be great
Hayes: You got it, Cap
Ilya: Great. Bus leaves in 45 minutes I will see all of you downstairs.

Hayden: You know, I wanted to say something about you shitting all over my hockey skills, but I'll let it go. I think this makes us even now.
Ilya: Oh, you think me making accurate statements about your so called "hockey playing" is the same as Shane and me being outed against our will, almost getting kicked out of the MLH, and Shane having to deal with homophobic assholes in your locker room?
Hayden: Okay fair but fuck you
Ilya: 🖕😘

Wiebe: Listen, Roz, I understand your beef with Montreal and I don't blame you for anything you said, but why did you have to bring Phil into it?
Ilya: So you don't think Comeau and Drapeau 69'd in front of the cup and made Phil watch?
Wiebe: …
Wiebe: Remind me to never get on your bad side

Lyft
@lyft

We are proud to announce our joint sponsorship with MLH and the Ottawa Centaurs for the upcoming 2021-22 season! Use promo code ROZANOV15 for $5 off your first ride!

8:14 AM · September 12, 2021

12.5K Retweets 612 Quote Tweets 152K Likes

Notes:

Sorry Phil :( The Keeper of the Cup was not harmed in the making of this fic.

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