Work Text:
“Ugghh…”
Hinata is woken up by the vibrations of his phone and lit up screen of his phone he’s now taking into his hand. In the background he can hear never sleeping city. It’s only been an hour since the last train, so many drunk people, celebrating beginning of the weekend, that didn’t make it onto the train, are now making it everybody’s problem. The warm arms of Morpheus long forgotten when the phone is finally in front of his face. He’s met with a wallpaper that’s photo of him and and his boyfriend, the one Natsu that took after their first game against each other last year. On the photo Kageyama has his right hand squeezing slightly Shoyo’s cheeks, while he stretches Kageyamas mouth into a smile with a finger in his mouth, right hand held in a V sign.
The dude wouldn’t smile so Hinata had to force him, he’s not surprised though, after all Schweiden Adlers loose.
Then Hinata looks at the date and time. 1:37, 21th December 2019. Kageyama has a game at 5pm today and birthday the next day, they will finally see eachother after 4 months, because he WILL surprise him even if Tobio doesn’t want to because “I don’t feel like celebrating it…”. If he’s being honest he would do it today, watch his game, then maybe even celebrate it a little earlier by having sex in the bathtub right after getting back home. Too impatient to do what’s actually done there.
His mind wanders, thoughts filled with Kageyama in his lap instead of on his knees, as usual, it’s his birthday after all and he deserves to be spoiled, kissed, held closely and Hinata is more than ready and happy to have purple, bruised traces of Tobio’s fingers on his back, from digging too deep, unable to leave scratches from his neatly filed nails.
Unfortunately he can’t do it because of some emergency meeting at 4pm regarding some new virus that’s spreading. Stupid virus.
He has to slap his face to focus on the right thing again, the message, that is showing only the sender. Turns out it’s no one else than the man occupying his mind- Kageyama Tobio. His sweet, lovely, absolutely beautiful and handsome Tobio.
Hinata clicks on the bubble to then get taken to the massaging app.
“If we lose again, I’m done. I’m gonna kill my self.”
Welp, that’s not what he expected. He doesn’t know what he was expecting but it definitely wasn’t this. He stares at the message for a while, his phone screen blacking out, signaling it will shut down soon, so he taps the screen.
“Go back to sleep dude” is what he texts back. It’s not unusual for Tobio to say something like this, it’s actually quite common, especially after any minor inconvenience. Like this season where his team isn’t doing well.
Hinata realised it back in 2nd grade that although Kageyama is anything but a liar, he’s the most blunt and straightforward person, he likes to say out of pocket things that he doesn’t mean at all. Just yapping to yap.
It’s one of those sentences.
Hinata puts back his phone on the nightstand, this time screen facing down, and switches to lay on his left side. Unfortunately the glass door he’s looking at doesn’t give him a pretty view, he would have to step outside, on the balcony, to see the night cityscape of Osaka. He’s too lazy to do it.
He closes his eyes and soon falls asleep.
‧˚/ᐠ - ˕ -マᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ☆‧˚
It’s the middle of the meeting, some lady is talking about health precautions etc.
The only thing keeping him alive at this moment is one airpod in his ear and Kageyama’s match in the phone. They are only an hour in and about to lose second set in a row.
Several dozen minutes later happens just this, making the score 2-0 for the F.C. Tokyo.
They manage to win 3rd set with 27-25.
Unfortunately after little over 2 hours Schweiden Adlers lose the game 3-1 and not so long after Hinata’s meeting ends too.
✼༶｡.:✽・ﾟ•᷄ࡇ•᷅
Never, ever had Shoyo wanted Tobio to be a liar so badly. For that message to be like any other, just a joke.
He can’t move, not even a finger.
Doesn’t know what to do. He’s just standing there, at the entrance to the bath area, with his mouth closed, throat dry. Everything seems to be stuck in place, the noise of cars outside suddenly non existent, same with the dishwasher. He knows he has to do something, but can’t. Something inside shut off his muscular and skeletal system.
“Move, for fucks sake!” Can we heard in his head, the only sound among the oh so uncomfortable silence.
Finally after exactly 16 seconds he moves, external stimuli catching up to his brain.
From now on he can’t control his body, it’s operating on its own and suddenly he’s kneeling next to the bathtub where unconscious Tobio is, covered in his own blood escaping for his cut open veins. Hinata quickly turns around to take towels from the shelf nearby to press them to Kageyama’s bleeding wrists. He didn’t even notice the stained sleeves, now in the crimson colour.
He presses so hardly, he knows Kageyama would yell at him, that it’s hurt or is uncomfortable.
It’s just them two, as always. The outside world, or even the closes surrounding nonexistent.
After some time of just kneeling and adding pressure to the towel, he notices the suddenly blurry eye vision, the wetness of his own face and the tear stains on the rug beneath him and the rapid rise of his chest. It’s also then when it hits him. “Is he even breathing?” Hinata asks himself while pressing his ear next to Kageyama’s mouth and nose, Shoyo sight with relief when he can hear and feel his slow and shallow, but existing, breathing.
Then he manages to call 119.
The call itself was a nightmare, dispatcher told him to calm down, as if it was possible.
But with the help of the person on the other side, he did just that. He told him the location and what had happened. Never ending the call, because he’s been instructed to not do that, he waits for the ambulance, hands pressing another set of towels, the first one dark red. He can’t believe what is happening right in front of him, he can’t see too, tears in his eyes refusing to spill, pooling there. Tobio, his Tobio, is unconscious because of a blood loss and is laying in the bathtub. He quickly scans the room for any clue what could’ve trigger the situation. His eyes lands on Kageyama’s sport clothes, he must have just gotten back from a morning run, its still early, not even 10am, and while getting clean just deciding to take his own life.
He has to take a deep breath, to reminds himself that Kageyama didn’t do it yet, he only tried to do it, and he will fail, because he’s still alive and breathing.
Hinata turns back to look at his boyfriend’s face, paler than usual, way paler. He presses his lips to Kageyama’s forehead, wet due to the water dripping from his short fringe, and whispers
“Everything is going to be okay, I promise” his voice breaks, it’s hard for him to say it, he knows the main purpose of these words; convince himself that the persistent vision of Tobio’s future, his ashes in an urn, so real behind his eyes, is just a vision and not a reality.
“I love you, please be o-okay” his voice is desperate now. Soon he moves his face and switches the towels for the second time.
“The paramedics are there so I’m hanging up. You did good Hinata.” Reassuring voice is what Hinata hears after a beat of silence. The knocking on his door forces him to leave Kageyama alone for several seconds. He shows the way to the two paramedics and leaves them alone, after seeing them taking care of Tobio. Hinata decides to just go to the living room and Kageyama’s bedroom to pack his most important things, like cloths because Tobio is still pretty naked, or just do anything to keep himself from getting in a way of paramedics.
When he opens the door to the main part of the apartment every thing is black like at night, so he switches the light on. The black curtains are drawn making the whole room unhealthy dark.
The kitchen part is a mess, dirty utensils, packagings after take-outs scattered all around the counter, cooker and sink. Dirty clothes, more dirty dishes on the couch, floor, table basically everywhere. It stinks and looks like mold found a new home here. The bedroom in a similar state. Now it clicks, why Kageyama didn’t want him to visit, more than ever.
Shoyo knew he didn’t like his birthday, knew about the depression. The thing is, it was supposed to be all in the past, that’s what Tobio told him, and Shoyo was stupid enough to believe him. After all maybe he was a liar?
Kageyama did promise to visit a psychologist but never did. He did promise to speak up when things get hard, and where is he know?
In a fucking bathtub, on a verge of dying and Hinata can do shit.
If he likes lying so much then why did he have to be sincere about that stupid text.
Hinata’s head is full of anger while packing his backpack, he’s not sure towards who the anger is targeted. Kageyama for being so stupid, or Hinata for not noticing, especially when the signs were present. For example his lean and slender body since middle school, despite gaining a lot of muscles, was now skinny, too skinny. Hinata thinks he even lost some of the muscle tissue.
But that wasn’t the only suspicious thing. When talking, there was something about his voice that didn’t seem right too, now that Hinata looks back on all the calls they had and now he knows what it was. Uncertainly. Because how, for someone who wanted to be dead, could sound sure and certain about anything other than ending it all? Thinking about it all, in the mess of his place, he understands why he was so persistent about doing nothing for his birthday. Now Shoyo is certain he’s mad at himself and his omission.
Fortunately, just as he finished packing, paramedics were able to handle the situation and he can see them carrying Tobio on the stretcher.
“Can I come?” Hinata asks, packed backpack over his one shoulder, voice still trembling from never stopping crying.
The sight is not helping.
He only receives a nod from a female paramedic, she looks young, probably fresh out of the school. He follows them to the car and sits where her male coworker shows him to, she’s behind the wheel.
After getting in the ambulance they put compression bandages to stop the bleeding. When it succeeded they gave him an IV drip and crystalloids. Hinata doesn’t understand much, only something about Kageyama loosing a lot of blood and being too cold. After managing that the ride is silent, which is ironic given the loud sirens coming from the ambulance. He sits at the top of Tobio’s head, who’s now under a thermal blanket, atleast he’s unconscious so he doesn’t have to feel this sensory hell. He cradles his head in his hands, one hand drawing patterns, circles, lines on his cheek, on the free area that the oxygen mask isn’t taking.
If only this bastard could talk, didn’t try to downplay his struggles. Hinata sighs, what else can he do?
。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・。
They arrived at the hospital after 15 minutes. The ride would be shorter but the road was busy with people, Christmas coming soon, not even the ambulance with signals blaring could do much. They took him in to the ER and the waiting begins. Just because the ride went rather smoothly and without medical complications, doesn’t mean the damage is simple and minor.
It can’t be said for how long he was bleeding out, but based on the depth of the wounds and the lost blood, doctors approximate not more than 30-35 minutes. They say it’s bad, that the cuts were deep, the bleeding was heavy. Hinata just listens and nods, when Kageyama is taken to the operating room. After over an hour of waiting in the waiting room with harsh lights, terrible smell and sounds of other people crying Shoyo is sitting at the middle of the hospital bed in a yet another white room, at least without intense white light and alone, in a really uncomfortable chair but with Tobio next to him, that’s all that matters. He doesn’t receive much information, since they aren’t family by formalities, but the doctor is kind enough and tells him the most important yet terrifying part.
“While operating we discovered a damaged nerve on the left wrist, due to the cut” says the doctor, she’s a middle aged woman in a navy scrub, her voice is steady but it isn’t a pleasant situation for her either.
“We had to perform neurorafia-which basically means nerve suture” she adds quickly after seeing Hinata’s conflicted face, first time hearing the word. “It’s not exactly a simple procedure but the quick reaction time definitely helped. The nerve wasn’t severely damaged and we managed to save it in less than 72 hours. The recovery should take up to 3 months, then he will have to go through rehabilitation to get back his full ability. At least a month, usually it takes 4-12 weeks but can be more”
She stops for a second. Hinata can tell she’s about to broach a difficult topic. Her expression is more emotional and she sighs before speaking.
“We also have to discuss his mental state, but that’s a topic for later and when Mr. Kageyama is awake. I can’t really go into the details due to formalities so please contact his closest family. If you have any questions I could answer, now is the time.”
Hinata knows what he has to ask.
“Will he be able to play just like he was before the accident?” His voice is small, scared of the answer.
“It depends on the cooperation of Mr. Kageyama, but he should be able to” She gives him a reassuring smile and then leaves the room.
Fucking hell. He thinks about calling Miwa, the doctor did tell him to call his family. He knows she’s at a girl skiing trip in Sapporo, she was saving up for, though. Kageyama didn’t let her miss it for such a stupid reason like his birthday, but if he called her now she would hop on the first plane back to Tokyo. Hinata can’t do it to her, especially that she is supposed to come back tomorrow at evening.
And calling Kageyama’s parents is definitely not an option, only thing they would do is bother and rebuke Kageyama, how what he did was immature. Of course only if they deigned to answer a call regarding their son, from a “best friend” too, because they still refuse to believe their “failure of a son” is gay.
Whatever, his parents never cared about him, only reaching out after their son achieved something. That’s why they shouldn’t care about them and their opinion.
Backed into a corner Hinata just sits on that still uncomfortable chair in an uncomfortable position, his hands holding Tobio’s.
Tears making its way back to his eyes.
—————————
The aftermath of the match was… it just was. Kageyama can’t tell what he’s feeling, it is different from what he’s used to, the known state he’s in constantly have this weird feeling? sensation? He doesn’t know, it exist, is accompanying him on every step he takes.
But if he tried, he would use words like hollow, persistent maybe sucking a little. It was dragging him down, he could feel it, physically. Always existing gravity forcing his body down, into the ground and beyond.
But how did he end up here? It all started harmlessly, maybe 6 months earlier. It contained feeling bitter, sad but different type of sorrow, less overwhelming. Kageyama didn’t try to stop it only for this reason, it’s was also for the sole evidence that his depression wasn’t coming back. Because if he tried to do something with it, it would indicate just that.
What he was feeling, after his grandpa’s death, had a different taste. So it couldn’t be it.
Unfortunately it was only for a way too short amount of time. Soon after, the barely existing sucking turned great and the slight hollow inside, the one that let him finally not be packed with things he can’t name, changed. It was too much now, yet not enough because it made him feel nothing. He imagines that’s what being in space feels like, but Tobio hasn’t been in galaxy, so what can he say.
Soon he learns that the galaxy sucks.
The emptiness made him forget what sensing is like, he couldn’t do anything, nothing had a taste, smell, not a single thing could stimulate him, and it made him suffer.
Kageyama liked his life now; he was a professional volleyball player, he has friends and Shoyo.
But he didn’t want to live like this anymore. He wasn’t able to, soon it would consume every flesh, bone, fragment of his soul and let him rot and collapse. That’s when the thoughts began. “End it now before the biggest damage is done.” He tried to push them away, reasoning that it doesn’t have to end like this, he can get better. But Tobio was only a human. He let his mind to eat him away. Like he was a 5-star meal, that’s how a new feeling got unlocked-complete boredom.
But hey, at least he started feeling something again. However this soon turned out to be not any better. It was even worse. He still didn’t find any type on reaction to anything, but now the lack of stimulation had annoying after taste. Pure, unfiltered boredom.
And Tobio was never the type of person to handle it well, usually resorting to volleyball. Which was now useless.
So now he was looking for any reason to do it.
That’s how the text was sent.
It all came crashing down when he was standing in the middle of the arena, breathing heavily, his shirt soaked with sweat. His eyes, against his protest, gazed at the score proving their failure. At that exact moment the last piece of him having its own consciousness, got rotten.
He then proceeded with his routine: get out of the building avoiding as many reporters as you can, get home then clean yourself and go to sleep. But the later didn’t come as quick as always, in fact it never came. He watched the sky, from behind the curtains, turn from orange to navy to light yellow. The city outside loud, never resting, always exiting as the background. That didn’t stop him from getting his morning run, trying to pretend nothing changed.
Kageyama stepped into the house, muscles soar. He barely managed to take off his shoes.
Every movement heavy. He stepped into the living room, aiming for the bedroom closet to get fresh clothes, and turned the light on, the black out curtains blocking the sun from coming in. He hadn’t touch the switch it in few weeks, one of the reasons being massive mess he knew was there. After all he was to one to create it. But even he got a little disgusted by it, stinky smell hanging in the air, food leftovers everywhere after not being to finish it, yet again. Truly a heaven for bacteria’s. Kageyama decided to ignore it and make his way to the kitchen area and retreat a cup. He had drank all of his water while on a run, dying of thirst when he reached his apartment. He opened a cabinet over his head that’s holding cups, or rather should be.
The cabinet was empty, every cup somewhere in this pile of dirt. It all comes to a certain point and now is the day. He started loading the dishwasher. He was slow, with every part of his body hurting, packing as much as he could. He turned on the machine, then settling on finally taking a shower.
Not bothering walking up to the closet for new clothes, he undresses himself making his way to the bathtub. When he got there, he started running the water, washing the dead skin away, scrubbing. When cold water stopped making its way down, straight to the drain, no longer raining, he just stayed there, freezing pricking on his skin. Looked to his right, razor blade, the message engraved on the inside of his eyelids. “God’s sign” He said bluntly, too tired, lazy, bored to care. He wasn’t scared neither was happy, he just were aware. He wasn’t so hollow inside, surprised he was even conscious.
The rest is predictable. He sat down, his legs hurting too much from overwork, razor barely brushing his veins, then getting deeper.
Soon both his wrists looked like a water spilling out from the canal, but with blood instead.
The crimson red liquid felt like lava against his frozen like skin melting and burning. But the source of it-the cut veins, couldn’t have more welcoming and comforting feeling.
After a while, his body got stained all over, skin almost snow like. Beautiful sight, like a field of roses in the winter.
His vision soon began to swirl, getting blurry at the edges and right behind closing his eyes, Kageyama was certain, for the one last final time, that he saw him, the sun itself, never more physical than now, more real.
Hinata Shoyo.
-ˋˏ✄┈( ˘•ω•˘ ).。oஇ
He can feel light slipping in through the small gap between his eyelids, forcing him to squeeze them hard, but at the same time wanting to find out what’s next. After struggling for embarrassingly long, he opens them just enough to see, right in front of him was a white ceiling. Forcing his eyes more and more open, he saw a window on his left, outside was getting dark, which made it a little easier to guess, but he’s still not sure what time it is exactly, spend too much time in dark places on everyday basis, to know when the sun sets.
But something’s wrong, he can feel it, soon he finds out what.
Kageyama doesn’t remember what was happening earlier, but he knows there was no natural light coming into the room, he was in his bathroom.
And now Kageyama wasn’t there, it wasn’t the room he knew. He tried to reach the window, with the hand closer to it, but he couldn’t.
“Hey.”
A quiet and sweet voice called out, the moving problem forgotten for now. He looks to the side the sound is coming from. He’s now looking at Shoyo. “His face is red and puffy, he has been crying.” Kageyama notes to himself. Hinata repeats himself.
“Hi.” The voice is even more soft than earlier.
“How are you?” Then he slides his eyes down, his right hand cradled in Hinata’s.
“…fine.” Kageyama managed to mumble a word out. His throat is dry and raspy.
“Mh h-hand.” He’s surprised Shoyo was able to hear him, who then puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him from trying to move it.
“Don’t move it, you had a surgery.” The voice changed, now a mix of something unpleasant, like anger, but still prominent with care, it’s been a while, since Kageyama had heard something like this the last time. He must’ve fucked up. But what did he do exactly? He’s not sure, everything in his memory is a mashed blob.
Wait. Did he heard surgery? The information got through to him after a second or two.
His confusion apparently was visible on his face, because Hinata then spoke up.
“Maybe the surgery was a wrong word, but they had to stitch your wrists.”
Now he was even more lost. He took another good look at the rooms he was in, the IV stand next to the chair Hinata was sitting in, the tv across the room, the nightstand and once again the window, which was facing a hotel. Just looking at the city in the dusk was comforting, so he does just that, for a longer moment.
He’s grateful Hinata gave him space.
Kageyama can’t recall when it happened exactly, but the previous events are suddenly in his mind and he remembers everything. But why can’t he move his wrist? He started to get really worried. Focusing a little bit more on the hotel, to calm down, he saw a couple through the window in their room. He was observing them for a second or two. They were in a weird position, what seemed to be a woman was pressed to the big window, a man? behind her.
He was now intensely staring, squeezing his eyes and yep, they were having sex. Kageyama did a little face at that. Let’s be honest, no one wants to see two random people fucking against a window, right after waking up from his suicide attempt.
Hinata must’ve noticed both his face and the couple, because he chuckled, then started full on laughing and Kageyama joined him. Maybe he was less enthusiastic but he laughed. It took them a minute to calm down, “I noticed them like fifteen or even twenty minutes ago, they sure have a great date” and just like that Hinata’s voice changed again, maybe he mistook it and he wasn’t angry?
“Unless you don’t want to, I will call the doctor, they still need to check if everything’s good, okay?” Hinata asked, hand hovering over the call button waiting for Kageyama’s decision, he nodded.
Soon in the doorway he saw a doctor, a serious looking woman with her hair cut right above her shoulders, she wasn’t looking at them but calling someone over, her hair looked just like Miwa’s, wait-“You didn’t call Miwa, right?” He managed to ask Hinata before others appeared, who shook his head no. When his eyes were again looking at the doctor he saw who she was calling over. Behind her there was a group of way younger people, around his age, maybe a little older.
“Those are students, if u may let them assist me, it would be appreciated” he was suspecting it was a university hospital, it was the closest one to his house. Damn students, what if one of them recognise him? He knows about the thing physician-patient privilege, but it would be really uncomfortable.
Whatever, he’s too lazy to care
“Yeah, sure” he says simply.
So they enter, the group of noisy students towering over him, Hinata even moved to give them more space. The doctor checked his blood pressure, pulse, pupils, blood samples, basically everything you can think of, then moved to his wrist. “May I?” She asked, Kageyama only nodded. She made him move his fingers, only a little bit to see if the hands are responsive.
“Do you know where you are, what day is it or what happened?” He once again nodded.
“So I suppose I can explain what procedure we performed.” She cleared her throat quickly.
“The cuts on your wrists were deep, we assume you’ve lost around 1 to 1,5 litres of blood before we got to you, this plus your malnutrition and our meds caused you to lost your consciousness for over 6 hours-“ so it’s around 5pm, Kageyama thinks. “-when we were preparing your wrist for stitches we noticed that your median nerve, on the left wrist, got damaged. We had to reconstruct it, you got here fast, it’s good, and we managed to save everything, so for now it will be hard to use your hand. The procedure went smoothly, without complications and your vitals look really good given the situation. We still have to check your blood, your body looks ravenous.”
She takes another break to clear her throat.
“First your wounds have to heal, expected time not longer than 3 months then rehabilitation, the damage was big but it’s too soon to tell how both you and your body will cooperate. However the rehabilitation should take around two month, maybe a little longer, to regain everyday mobility.” Kageyama looks in horror at his boyfriend, or rather tried to since he’s covered by the students. “Given your profession, going back to the state from before will take atleast few months, up to one year, whole. Your hand will have to relearn or remember how to do certain skills. It will be hard but it’s possible and after the hard work you won’t feel a difference” she continues to make him more and more terrified. “That’s only, of course, if u cooperate with the physicians.”
For the first time in a long time he feels this intense emotions, too scared to cry and be vulnerable he looks down.
The doctor makes the students leave first. Kageyama hears her coming closer.
“Soon there will be a psychiatrist to discuss your mental health. She says quick and he’s thankful for than. She’s once again in the doorway, says her goodbye and closes the door.
Hinata moves closer but this time he doesn’t sits down in the chair, instead he sits on the bed next to his hip, leans over and hugs him. Holds him so tight and close he might melt into Kageyama. He doesn’t hug back, he can’t, his arms too painful and heavy.
When Shoyo breaks the hug he doesn’t get off, nor sit in his chair. He stays on the bed and strokes his thigh. After a while Kageyama can finally speak. “Sorry…” is all he mumbled, trying not to cry. Hinata wish he would let himself be vulnerable.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he responds. “It’s a fucked up situation and it’s not your fault” he continues to move his hand up and down his leg, wanting to comfort his partner.
“Why were you mad at me earlier?” That’s something he did not expect to hear from Kageyama. “What?” Is all he can ask, too confused. I mean yeah he was angry a little but how does he know?
“I could hear it in your voice when I woke up” Oh. Kageyama was never one to be subtle. “Well I wasn’t mad at you exactly, ok, maybe a was a little but it was mostly targeted towards myself…” this is awkward, he scratches the back of his neck and thinks of how to approach this topic.
“You know, after seeing you, since I…” he really don’t want to talk about how he should notice anything, it’s about Kageyama not him.
“I know you were the one to find me, only you and Miwa know the code to my apartment. Besides you still have puffy eyes from crying. So why exactly were you mad” He states it so casually it’s actually annoying, Hinata also doesn’t have any choice but to explain.
“For not noticing anything, not forcing you to speak and prevent this” his hand stills. “But also at you for being stupid and not reaching out, for having to see this”
Kageyama expected this and understands most of it, but Hinata was never supposed to see it, he didn’t want him there then.
“I never told to come, why were you even there in the first place?” Hinata is getting mad again.
“What do you mean why, it’s your birthday. Did you really think I wouldn’t show up just because you said so?” He actually thought just that, but that was stupid, he knew Hinata too well to be thinking like that. “Do you even hear what you’re saying?” Hinata is really trying to be calm right now, for Kageyama’s sake, but he can feel his blood pressure rising.
“Your intention doesn’t change the fact that you came uninvited.” He throws all the efforts outside the window and stand up.
“Fuck you.” Is all he can say, voice surprisingly steady and calm. After saving his life that how he repays him?
“You said it wasn’t my fault” he nods his head in the direction of his wrist then the room. “And you were right, it’s your fault”
“Excuse me?!” Hinata genuinely doesn’t know how he feels and what the hell is Kageyama talking about. “You weren’t supposed to be here, if you didn’t come I would just die, wouldn’t have to go through all of this!” Kageyama is now yelling at him. That’s all Hinata needs to snap.
“Well you should’ve thought about that before you cut your veins” and just like that he leaves the room. Soon after the psychiatrist enters the room and forces Kageyama into a talk.
—————————
Hinata stormed outside the room and before he even realises it, he’s outside the hospital.
What has he even thinking? Trying to be reasonable with that fucker? He’s now walking in circles on the empty parking lot. Fortunately there’s barely any people here. The outside is now dark and it’s cold as the snow is falling, a thin layer of it is on the ground. While leaving prints of his shoes on the snow he tries to reflect on the argument that just took place. The conclusion is one: Kageyama is stupid and unreasonable, but that’s not something new. He decided to take some time and space. He came back to his boyfriend’s place and started cleaning it to busy himself.
He started with his bedroom, washing machine full instantly, then living room and left the worst one for the end, the kitchen. He started with unloading the dishwasher with clean dishes then packing it with dirt ones. Then he threw away all the trash and that’s how it went, finishing with wiping down the counter and cleaning the floor in whole apartment. He found Kageyama’s phone in the process, which means he have to just lay in the hospital bed and do nothing, he felt bad a little.
The cleaning was a good idea, he could do something useful and clear his head. Reflecting on this whole situation made him realise how he didn’t take Kageyama’s emotions into consideration. He focused on how it made him feel when it isn’t even about him. This made him overlook one important aspect.
Kageyama wasn’t mad just to be mad or for the unwanted visit. He was angry because he’s still alive and Hinata is the reason for it. He now has to go through rehabilitation for months, that excludes him from playing volleyball.
Hinata froze. Suddenly the couch he was sitting in was stiff, as the gears in his head finally started to move. Next year are the Olympic Games, in Tokyo, the ones both Hinata and Kageyama were recruited to play for the JNT. It would be the first time they played together professionally for like, 4 years at least. Volleyball is everything to Tobio and what happened is taking it from him, for a long time, at a really important time. It’s taking both volleyball and, in some way, Hinata from him.
Now Shoyo feels like he’s the stupid one.
He quickly got dressed, took what he needed and made his way outside the building, calling for a taxi in the meantime. After long 20 minutes he gets to the hospital. He’s been away for two and half hour now.
He quickly finds Kageyama’s room and knocks lightly, then he opens the door a little just to see if Kageyama is asleep, when he sees him looking out of the window, sitting with his hands in the laps, back stooped, he comes in and closes the door behind. b
But too scared to go any farther than the closed doors.
He stands there awkwardly for a second and finally builds up the courage to say anything.
“I-“ just when he opened his mouth and tries to start small talk, Kageyama interrupts him.
“The day after tomorrow, I’ll be admitted to the psychiatric ward. For 4 days and then be discharged on the Saturday.” His voice is steady, without any emotions.
Before he can speak up, Kageyama beats him to it. “It’s a restricted ward, which means no phone, no visitors.” Now he sounds a little nervous. He can’t just stand there and do nothing. So he moves, steps closer to the bed.
“I’m sorry…” is all he can say, maybe too afraid to start a real conversation.
“Why? It’s not you who’s making be go there.” Kageyama is still looking outside the window. Hinata wonders what he’s looking so intensely at.
“Well, like you said earlier, it kind of is…” he doesn’t know what possessed him to say it, it’s not the time to make a victim out of himself. But what else can he say? That he’s pitiful towards him? That would just make the whole situation worse.
“I said it in the moment. I was terrified and angry, as always, I don’t actually think that” and just like that his voice is small, he curls up on himself, knees pressed tightly to his chest and lays his forehead on them. His whole body now seems small, smaller than Hinata’s, which is impossible given their height difference.
Hinata is once again sitting on the bed, not hugging him, because that’s not what Kageyama would’ve wanted, but scratching his back slightly. Soon he whisperes “I’m sorry too” he doesn’t have to say, what he’s apologising for, Kageyama knows, they both understand each other well. Soon Hinata helps him get dressed in his own clothes, gave him his phone he left in the kitchen, the tense atmosphere long forgotten.
Before they can even notice it’s after 10 pm. Hinata had to argue with the personnel, beg them to let him stay the night, finally when Kageyama himself asked them to let him, they gave in.
Hinata settled next to his boyfriend, or rather on him, most of his body was on Kageyama who had his arm on Hinata’s waist. Hinata said it’s because he hadn’t cuddled with him in a long time, but he knows it’s not true. Kageyama can tell it’s just a stupid excuse, he can see how worried Hinata is, that he will wake up in the middle of the night and try to do it again.
The truth is, had Hinata not know him this well and prevented it, he would most likely try to do just that. But he can’t do it, not to Hinata.
As they were both drifting away, Hinata said something he knew, on normal occasions, would piss off Kageyama, that’s why it’s now when he decided to announce “I’m ending this season earlier and moving in with you, to help you get back on your feet and ready to play again”
“Try it, and I will kill you” the words are harsh but there’s no venom in them, Kageyama didn’t even bother to open his eyes, probably expecting it. That doesn’t change the fact he doesn’t want to be the reason Hinata has to take a break from volleyball.
“I don’t know what to do with the Olympics though” he really doesn’t know, helping Kageyama will consume most of his time, time which he won’t have while training. In the facility where he will have to sleep in, train in all the time.
“It’s obvious, you win them” Kageyama tried to joke.
“But then I won’t have much time for you, I’ll have to start training strictly for the games earlier and more intense due to my break now.” he takes a big breath “plus, if everything goes right, you’ll be wrapping up with your rehabilitation around the time I will have to move out, you know to the training centre”
Kageyama still has his eyes closed, but now not able to fall asleep. “And? You said it, I’ll be almost done with the rehabilitation, so it all should be fine”
“Don’t give me that bullshit, I know you” he pokes his side “you’ll then start playing volleyball, and you’ll be mad because your sets won’t be as good as before, you won’t be able to do many things. Because, instead of listening to the doctor you will convince yourself that you don’t need to relearn few things, take some time” Hinata is now looking at Kageyama, stubborn as ever “and when you realise that the physicians were right, that you do need to take your time learning all your hard work again, you’ll try to do it as fast as possible, ignoring the pain, thinking you can do it yourself” now he can see that the plan of going through this conversation smoothly failed, Kageyama is getting annoyed.
“Shoyo, I’m not a kid, I can take care of my self” he clenches his jaw then opens it again “it’s the Olympics we’re talking about, you can’t throw It all away because of me” he finally looks at Hinata, nevertheless he wishes his eyes were full of happiness or love.
“And I’m not risking you getting worse, attempting again. I can’t lose you” the last words were quieter than the rest.
Kageyama’s eye softens, guilt creeping in.
“How about this” started drawing circles on his side while he offers. “I have to confirm participation till the 5th of July. Until then, I’ll see for myself if I can trust you, and leave you” he stops his hand and looks up at Kageyama again. “Fine?”
“…fine” says Kageyama reluctantly.
At that Hinata gives him the most sun-like, genuine smile, and oh how he missed it.
Soon they’re back to being mere seconds away from sleep.
The last thing both of them hear before the slumber is “I love you” they both said it at the same time.
Maybe Kageyama is still depressed, and doesn’t see his future in any way, but Hinata will change that. He won’t let anyone, anything take him from him, never.
He presses a quick kiss to his chest and falls asleep. Hoping the next day he will be able to give the love of his life a proper birthday.