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At night, the only time, the perfect time, I try, in some way, to sort everything out in my mind. Everything.
Perhaps that's why I sleep far less than I should, forcing myself to remember everything, every single thing, fanning that spark of anxiety until it grows into a fire that chokes the air from my lungs. But that's what I choose to do with the brief moments of freedom I have left while I'm alive.
There are so many things my mind could wander through, in a thousand directions, without knowing where to start; there is so much, so much, so much…
Fate has not been kind to me, and it doesn't seem like it will be, from here on out. With the little sense of agency I have left, I've barely managed to do the things I need to, or should, do. It's as if, every day, a piece of me were slowly washing away from my mind, slowly tearing apart my dull personality, my actions, my gestures, even words that couldn't possibly be a part of me.
Whoever it is that gets up every morning and leaves this room, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me.
It's not as if my former self mattered either, it didn't, not at all, which is why the death of my own identity is irrelevant. Maybe this was what had to happen. It was. How else could I have stood out? This was the only way; if not for this, none of what has happened would have happened, and my very existence would have remained dispensable, irrelevant from head to toe, until my death. Maybe I'll end up becoming, in some way, good or bad, something more interesting to this whole town.
In any case, not knowing what, or who, that is, the angel, turns my stomach; it's as if a thousand faces, a thousand mocking laughs, millions of plans, ideas, and thoughts were tearing off pieces of me and tossing me from one place to another. It's horrible, terrifying… even disgusting… The hatred and love it might feel for me, mixed together into one; its ideas, good or bad, heroic or tyrannical, try to convince me that I've had it easy. A kind of evil that mocks its victim, the terrified prey cornered with nowhere to run, that turns me into something I don't recognize once daylight hits, and I move with almost robotic, preprogrammed motions.
Oh, angel, did you place this curse on me from the moment of my miserable conception? Dragging me along, forcing me to witness your plans, ever since my foolish, childish mind hadn't yet fully grasped the world? Should I take it as a compliment, to be your pawn, to be some kind of meaning within your grander plan?
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am
nothing.
I remember a dream where I tried to cross the lake, dark thoughts lingering in the back of my mind, or maybe they weren't even mine, but I felt a tremor inside my head. I am… I am… But it was just a dream. Or maybe just déjà vu.
In reality, I'm drowning in a cage that's slowly suffocating me, slowly killing everything that's left of me, until, at the end of it all, I won't even recognize what remains. Anyway, it's not as if I deserve anything, I don't deserve anything… Because, in part, it's all my fault, and even if I survive, in the end everyone will feel nothing but revulsion toward me, hatred, in the face of my betrayal.
I clutched the sheets, a slightly clearer idea now of what would become of me; all I could think was that Susie would never forgive me… She never would… I hope I never have to see the look on her face when she finds out. I couldn't bear it. I won't bear it.
But at least she has someone now; she doesn't need me, unlike me, who needs her so much. How stupid. What stupidity. I should beat myself up, over and over, for the foolish idea of wanting love. Someone like me could never deserve that. What I do, what I'll do, how repulsive… I can only cause harm to everything that comes near me.
But at least now, before the storm breaks over us, I can try to keep thinking about her, to ease some of this pain.
I'd do anything you wanted; I'd let you do anything you wanted with me, because only with her have I been able to feel something again without the pain getting in the way. If only someone could hear me in this world, it's suffocating me, it's suffocating me inside this cage… Because I can't do anything about it, I can't even give you a sign, but it's not as if I'd actually do it, even if I were free… no… I wouldn't do it.
But you only know the part of me that's a lie; only from the moment my true self began to disappear did I start to exist in your life, to be someone, at least someone lovable, someone important. Maybe it would be a blessing to spend my whole life by your side without ever truly being myself, if only I could stay with you that way. But fate is clearly unfair, and every morning brings us closer to the moment our paths will part.
I can't do it anymore. I can't beg the angel to undo this. I can't plead for someone to keep me company… Because I should already have done it before, and all it's done is lead me to this moment.
At least now, I wish… I could avoid finishing this greater plan that could only led to betrayal, because only that way could I keep Susie in my life, even if I couldn't have the closeness I long for, at least I could stay by her side… She might still need me there…
And no matter what, even if everything about me were to fade away, even if I were to cease to be real… I would still love her enough to chase after her to the ends of the earth.
I was going to miss her so much, so very much. I didn't want to imagine her world turning desolate without me in it, but I was going to have to accept it, even though just thinking about it made me want to tear every inch of skin from my body… I can't even hold onto a single thought anymore… I just… I need her so much right now, it's unfair.
I just wanted someone to love me.
And when the lights go out and it's all over, I'll be left behind… Without a real ending, without anyone to take pity on me, I could run far away… I could cease to exist… Or I might die before I even have to suffer the consequences of her/my actions. Is it horrible to want you to kill me? Please, when you're done using me, turn off the light of my life as soon as possible… Because otherwise, when you leave, only a shell of me will remain, left to face the consequences of your/my actions. It's for the best. It's for the best… For everyone…
It's not like I want this to be some ploy for attention, I don't want that at all… Anyway, in six months, or far less, everyone would forget me… My name would fade from everyone's minds, and if there's a grave, whatever's engraved on it would slowly crumble away until it's nothing more than a piece of rock. Because if I were to live, what would even be left for me?
I press my face against the pillow, trying to imagine some kind of future for myself, but among all the bleak things I picture, there's nothing worth living for, there never was, and I can't even fathom the idea of being an adult.
Maybe I could become one alongside Susie, I have no idea what they'd do with their lives, but they'd do something… It wouldn't matter that I was by her side, because everything would be okay; I knew that with her, everything would be okay. I don't know if… I don't know if her love could truly heal me, but having someone completely committed to you, no matter what happens, would be enough to keep me going for at least one more day in this miserable life I've made.
To be able to wake up and see her up close, to hold a part of her inside me, to keep breathing the same air over and over again, to feel that someone loves me, to feel that she loves me, to have a life with her. These were all pleasures I could fantasize about to try, somehow, to fall asleep.
One… Two… Three… Four… Five… I try to breathe, to calm the rapid beating of my heart in the face of the senseless despair that's taking hold of me more and more; I try to think of Susie… That she couldn't leave me alone… That she couldn't cast me aside, she wouldn't do that.
No… She can, she can…
She will
She will
No matter how much I beg, slowly I'll mean nothing to her.
I only have one thing to lose, and that's her, and I'll lose her.
Think about that, I'm thinking about that, think… Think… Who is that person? Who, in just a few days, will spend the rest of their days filled with regret and guilt? Is there any kind of redemption for beings as cursed as I am?
Will there be healing?
Years and years, regret after regret… Many things will happen if I live longer than I should, and I might feel some kind of relief amid all this pain, but it won't be enough, because I'll never be able to truly exist again after this; my existence will remain permanently tainted by the fragments of a part of me that isn't ME.
Me? ME? I no longer know if there's a person behind this false puppet that walks through Hometown every day. There isn't, there isn't, there isn't, and as long as there isn't, this false existence, this empty shell, will feel less pain.
Sleep… Sleep… Go to sleep… I'd never thought of it that way before; very few people in this world ever know they're about to live their last day. Thinking about it now, it's so agonizing, to feel the minutes ticking by before you enter a place from which you'll never return, to know the exact moment you'll cease to exist. Put that way, it sounds terrifying. If I could, how would I live my last day?
It doesn't make sense to think about that, it's horrible, it's horrible. I have to think about something else now… That's what I must do… I mustn't think about those things, about the end of my identity and my life. I can't breathe.
Maybe if I could spend what little time I have left entirely with Susie, maybe it would be different. A kind of consolation in which I could exist for a few more minutes while a light, somewhere in some small universe, slowly goes out, the consolation that remains when I can't be the one to spend my life by her side.
Perhaps that's why it isn't so difficult for those who know they won't see another day to face that reality, because most of them have someone they love by their side, someone whose mere presence makes everything easier, and in that moment of despair, they're there, giving their last breath of love.
I wish it could be that way, but it won't be, it could never be that way…