Chapter Text
“hey guys,” paige said into the camera, walking through her garden. she started all of her videos the same way. “i wanted to ask for your help on something.”
she flipped the camera to show a small potted tree with green citrus fruits hanging off the branches.
“my oranges haven’t been turning orange,” paige continued. “i waited, like, two months, but they just turn yellow and then shrivel up and die.”
she panned her phone camera to the ground, where several rotting yellow fruits lay. then she flipped the camera again to show her face, backlit atrociously by the afternoon sun.
“anyway. let me know if you know what the fuck is wrong with my orange tree. see you guys later.”
azzi, sprawled across her couch, tapped into the comment section of the video as it started to loop. as always, paige’s audience was coming for her throat.
kay285: why do you always wear that fuckass hat 17.4k likes
→ pbinthegarden: it’s my gardening hat 10.3k likes
fififeebi: why is she dressed like a middle school boy at the public pool 23.2k likes
→ pbinthegarden: this is my gardening outfit 10.4k likes
bigstrap: paige those are limes 45.7k likes
azzi giggled to herself as she scrolled through the comments, liking as she went before she swiped out of the comment section and scrolled to paige’s most recent video.
“hey guys,” paige said. once again, she was walking through her garden. and wearing her fuckass gardening hat. “i got some berries to harvest today!”
she flipped the camera and knelt down to show a row of small plants with trifoliate leaves and little white flowers. a few red berries the size of a thumbnail hung from the stems, and paige plucked one to show the camera.
“i don’t know what this is though…” she said, turning the fruit between her fingers. “maybe a raspberry or something.”
azzi closed her eyes in astonishment before opening up the comments once again.
hoe4hoes: that’s a strawberry. how you run a gardening account and not know what a strawberry looks like 10.4k likes
→ pbinthegarden: why is it so small then 341 likes
→ hoe4hoes: because you’re the one growing it 1.1k likes
pbckshots: im crying is it your first day on earth 14.5k likes
jessicaugh: didn’t you buy this plant yourself how do you not know what’s in your garden 9.2k likes
beezindatrap: imagining paige telling someone she’s a gardener and they think she means weed but she actually means This 1.4k likes
10201111: do you close your eyes when you buy seeds or something?? 6.2k likes
→ fififeebi: and during every other step of the gardening process 9.1k likes
azzi pressed her fingers to another smile as she tapped the text box to leave a comment of her own.
azzibakes: my 2 year old niece also gets her fruits mixed up sometimes ❤️ preschool might help, that’s what worked for her 0 likes
she sent the comment off and swiped out of paige’s account to her own page. after a few months of posting baking videos of healthy recipes, she’d garnered a substantial following. these days she could expect her videos to get several hundred thousand views and hundreds of comments. her comment sections were slightly nicer than paige’s, though just as condescending.
azzi tapped into her most recent post—a calming video of her making cottage cheese oatmeal raisin cookies set to the soundtrack of a soothing lofi song.
amishmom: you are so beautiful ❤️ 8.3k likes
starchar: no no that’s what a cookie is supposed to look like 10.4k likes
brookespam: keep going sweetie you’re doing great 1.3k likes
marenhairdal: i support women’s rights and women’s wrongs 1.5k likes
jadewestluvr: at least you’re pretty 3.2k likes
204diamond: hey girly! what the fuck is that 😊 3.1k likes
davidrust: idk guys i’d eat these if azzi served them to me 1.6k likes
wrightnotwrong: thank you for sharing this vulnerable moment with us 2.8k likes
as azzi scrolled through the rest of the comments, liking the ones that made her crack a smile, a notification popped down on her screen.
paige had replied to her comment.
curiosity flooded her system, and azzi tapped on the notification.
→ pbinthegarden: little miss know it all over here with her dense ass sourdough 2 likes
azzi’s jaw dropped. she had never, in all the two months since she’d discovered paige’s account, seen her respond so rudely to a comment. normally she played into the jokes people made about her and took the insults in stride.
azzi didn’t even know what to make of the fact that paige had seen her viral bread video.
it had been a heartbreaking moment for her when she’d cut down the middle of her first ever attempt at making sourdough and broke open the loaf to find the tightest, least appetizing crumb she’d ever seen in her life. it was a sickly gray color and had a strange, paste-like consistency.
but she’d gotten eight million views from it, so. you win some, you lose some.
after staring at paige’s reply for thirty seconds, mouth agape, azzi tapped the “reply” button.
→ azzibakes: don’t have to be a know it all to know more than you 0 likes
although the interaction left a bitter taste in azzi’s mouth (and watching her reply rack up more likes than paige’s dig had given her a sweet sense of satisfaction), their internet beef didn’t start right away.
it wasn’t until paige’s next video that azzi decided to make it more than a one-off thing.
“hey guys,” paige started, as always. she knelt down before flipping her camera to show whichever plant she was focusing on today. “let’s check on my tomato plant and see what we got.”
azzi watched paige’s weirdly veiny hand swipe leaves and stems away to search for a ruby fruit to pluck.
“oh, i think i found one!” paige said, excitement seeping into her tone. the camera tilted slightly to show a dark fruit hanging off its stem. “oh, no,” paige lamented.
the camera cut, and the next clip showed four dark brown cherry tomatoes in paige’s hand. they were plump, their paper skins stretched taut over what azzi could tell would be a juicy bite. her mouth watered a bit at the sight of them—she loved tomatoes.
then, in a moment that demonstrated azzi hadn’t lowered her bar quite far enough for how stupid paige could be, paige said, “i think these are rotten…”
the next clip showed her tossing her four cherry tomatoes into her green bin.
azzi froze, her jaw hanging in despair, until she realized she’d let the video loop twice. she clicked into the comments to find some mean ones she could throw her support behind.
iluvgardening: those are chocolate cherries they’re supposed to be dark like that 23.2k likes
arieljonsn: perfectly good tomatoes btw 11.2k likes
pukicho: ragebaiting myself by watching paige’s videos again 19.3 likes
7pansies7: did you not know what kind of tomatoes you were growing?? 1.9k likes
lavendertea: i’ve never heard of black tomatoes either. but then again, i’m not intentionally growing them in my garden. 21.5k likes
woohoo69: the most impressive thing she’s grown and she throws it out 18.2k likes
daniellamurr: girl u stress me tf out. 3.8k likes
even after liking a dozen comments, azzi’s dismay still simmered beneath her skin. she needed another outlet for it.
she tapped into the text box at the bottom of her screen to leave a comment of her own.
azzibakes: i can think of a million things you’d be better at than gardening. have you looked into becoming a court jester perhaps 0 likes
within seconds, paige replied.
→ pbinthegarden: back again? just say you’re obsessed with me 0 likes
azzi scoffed and, with a roll of her eyes, replied without a second thought.
→ azzibakes: you’re so full of yourself 🙄 0 likes
before azzi could tap out of paige’s video, however, a third person entered the exchange.
→ kay285: am i tripping or are y’all flirting rn 0 likes
azzi laughed. like, full-on laughed out loud. LOL! she didn’t even dignify the theory with a response, swiping out of tiktok entirely and moving on with her day.
two days later, azzi posted a new baking video.
instead of the calming, aesthetic videos she normally tried to make, this one was a talking vlog. it had to be, because the healthy brownies she’d been trying to make had failed spectacularly.
she’d forgotten to buy eggs at the store and substituted them with a cup of plain milk and a third cup of milk with some yellow food coloring mixed in. something about that decision combined with her addition of shredded zucchini had left the brownies with a texture that was somehow separated, crumbly, underbaked and sludgy.
within minutes of her post, the comments started pouring in.
brookespam: do you think… it’s the color of the eggs that make them work in the recipe? 5 likes
starchar: thank god for pretty privilege 14 likes
ainswurth: her acting surprised it turned out this way when she didn’t follow a single step of the recipe correctly 😭 never change azzi 8 likes
pbinthegarden: brave post ❤️ 23 likes
azzi’s eyes stuck on the last comment, its username sparking her annoyance automatically.
→ azzibakes: coming from the girl who wears swim shirts in her garden 0 likes
once again, she didn’t have to wait long for paige’s reply
→ pbinthegarden: it’s uv protection 0 likes
over the course of the next two weeks, she and paige shamelessly traded insults under each other’s posts. azzi couldn’t help herself—she knew that realistically there wasn’t any need to get so incensed. if she was truly so bothered, she could have blocked paige the second the interactions started taking up more space in her brain than they should have.
but paige had taken a masterclass on getting under azzi’s skin, and blocking her or ignoring her felt too much like letting her get away with it.
unfortunately for azzi, their followers didn’t seem to understand that they were watching genuine nemeses.
exactly 19 days after azzi had first commented on paige’s raspberry video, azzi scrolled down her tiktok feed to the worst video she’d ever seen in her life.
it was a thirst trap edit of her. and paige.
clips of her from her baking videos had been edited to a darker color scheme and spliced together to the beat of na na by trey songz, slowing down at moments when her arms flexed unintentionally or she tilted her head at a slight angle. and in between them, clips of paige, similarly colored and slowed down. except that the only clips of paige that were available were the ones at unflattering angles of her wearing her stupid gardening hat and hideous gardening outfits, walking through her garden. one or two videos of her hands touching her plants had been inserted as well, slowed down to the beat as if they were attractive.
azzi had never felt so insulted in her goddamn life.
and to her utter dismay, the comments were eating it up.
dogrice: wait why do i kinda love this 13 likes
misspencil: i’ve been SAYINGGGG 4 likes
bohhhhh: popular girl x weird kid trope 27 likes
princess537428: i have no one to send this to 9 likes
collagensoup: THIS IS MY NICHE 2 likes
gaygayga: wait yes let’s wlwify this 3 likes
jazmynnn: useless at gardening and useless at baking. match made in heaven if you ask me 8 likes
finchin: wait yes because they’re both stupid bad at the one thing their entire account is dedicated to 18 likes
denimshyt: my hot take is that they’re soulmates 23 likes
cloudsxn: no bc they’re both so fine 2 likes
kimmie03: they’d be the couple that no one understands and fight all the time but then they get married 11 likes
the last comment made azzi’s blood genuinely boil.
she sent the video off to caroline, sending “wtf,” and “i’m going to throw up,” in follow up messages and then turned off her phone for the rest of the day.
just two short days after seeing the upsetting edit, azzi got another tiktok on her fyp shipping her and paige.
the text on the video read, pov: you go to pazzi’s house for dinner. the video consisted of a series of photos fading in and out—the zootopia carrot, bullshit stew, veggie water soup, hard tack, and brad bradie’s wet trash seafood boil. azzi giggled at the collection of photos before she remembered the video was literally shipping her and pbinthegarden.
the smile slipped off her face and she swiped out of tiktok in protest.
the next time paige posted, it was a harvest video.
for the first half of the video, she ripped what must have been half of her plants out of the ground when they were clearly not done growing. she had a basketful of stems and leaves before she had even an ounce of edible produce. azzi watched with her thumb rubbing the side of her forehead in exasperation.
then, at the very end, paige pulled out three carrots, each a handful of millimeters thick and two inches long.
“YES!” she shouted from behind the camera. she shook the tiny carrots in her hands in victory. “ABUNDANCE!”
the clip changed to a video of her edible strings sprawled out on the ground, paige shaking her phone camera at them as if she were gesturing, look! look!!!
“I DID IT GUYS,” she yelled, camera still shaking. “DON’T EVER COUNT ME OUT!!!”
azzi, partially against her will, smiled at paige’s enthusiasm.
hoe4hoes: orange floss 8.2k likes
7pansies7: i think someone could learn how to garden by watching your videos and just doing the opposite of everything that you do 10.2k likes
marenhairdal: im happy that YOU’RE happy 13.9 likes
fififeebi: do you guys ever think maybe paige doesn’t know gardening is already a thing and she’s just winging it thinking she’s the first person to ever do this 18.5k likes
→ pbinthegarden: ??????? 8.7k likes
sammiepjn: progress is progress… i guess… 3.4k likes
bigstrap: why do you keep trying 22k likes
clayraster: hey paige yesterday i heard about something that might help you out a bit. it’s called the grocery store 1.8k likes
averyjae: have you tried changing everything about yourself and your process and your personality 17.6k likes
→ pbinthegarden: man…what my personality got to do w it 9.3k likes
the further down azzi scrolled, the more the comments started being about her.
jvnknj: harvesting carrots?? the day after azzibakes made a carrot cake?? suspicious… 843 likes
starchar: omg those carrots look like they would pair really well with a whipped cottage cheese and greek yogurt frosting 1.8k likes
→ lamtn92: ?? ew wtf 23 likes
→ princess537428: azzibakes made a carrot cake with that instead of cream cheese frosting 184 likes
→ lamtn92: wtf is her problem 😭 215 likes
anmlcrsng: carrot farmer x carrot cake baker 234 likes
user10832018: you and azzi are actually soulmates 93 likes
kallihere: you and azzibakes should collab!!! 896 likes
azzi scrolled through them with a flat expression, rolling her eyes at the more dramatic ones. she wasn’t as annoyed today. maybe her tolerance for tomfoolery had grown over the weeks, what with all her interactions with pbinthegarden and all.
just then, her oven timer went off. she got up from her dining table to check on her cottage cheese and jackfruit banana bread.
the AC was turned on way too high at the grocery store, and azzi rubbed at the goosebumps on her arms as she scanned the price cards for canned tuna.
just as she was placing a stack of five cans into her basket, a voice from the aisle over caught her attention.
“why don’t we just use one of the vegetables you’re growing, paige?”
someone sighed, heavily, before responding, “you know we can’t do that.”
azzi blinked, heart rate climbing rapidly. eventually, her curiosity won out over her fear. she tiptoed as quietly as she could over to the next aisle to take a peek.
it was paige. from the garden.
she was with two friends, but azzi barely registered that because paige looked… good.
without her gardening hat and weird gardening clothes, her features were striking. blue eyes azzi had never noticed before. a bone structure carved by michelangelo. blonde hair hanging loose and fluffy to frame her face.
paige was wearing a normal outfit—no, a good outfit—a baggy sweatshirt with a pink print and loose jeans. just the fit of her clothes was disproving everything azzi had ever thought about her. this woman knew how to dress.
and she was actually attractive.
azzi felt a little lightheaded, which she blamed for the fact that she was a second too slow to flee before paige turned and locked eyes with her.
her eyes widened in clear recognition.
“azzi?” paige asked. she pronounced azzi’s name correctly, which was nice. but then again, it was pbinthegarden, which wasn’t nice.
“hi,” azzi said, dumbly.
paige took a few steps toward her and then stopped an awkward distance of about ten feet away. in her periphery, azzi could see paige’s friends watching the interaction and whispering to each other.
“what are you doing here?” paige asked.
“i live here,” azzi blurted, the words coming a little too fast.
paige blinked. “at the… grocery store?”
azzi pursed her lips. “no, dumbass. dallas.”
paige blinked, as if that possibility hadn’t occurred to her. “oh,” she said.
they stared at each other for an uncomfortable ten seconds.
azzi broke first. “you look so different,” she said, “without your… gardening uniform.” she couldn’t help bringing it up. it was the elephant in the room. “you could even pass for an attractive person.”
okay what the hell. she hadn’t meant to compliment paige. it had just slipped out.
thankfully, paige didn’t seem to register that azzi had given her a backhanded compliment and only processed the backhanded part. she drew her eyebrows together and scoffed, gesturing at azzi incredulously. “just say you couldn’t recognize the swag underneath my dope ass gardening hat.”
it was azzi’s turn to scoff. “you need to sue whoever told you that hat looks good.”
they fell into another weird silence before paige’s friends cut in.
“hey,” one of them said. “you two know each other?”
“no,” paige said as azzi said, “yeah.”
paige’s friend blinked. “which is it.”
paige shook her head. “we just know each other from tiktok. she’s the one who puts cottage cheese in everything.”
azzi knew it was supposed to be a dig, but she couldn’t find it in herself to be offended. cottage cheese was that good.
she wondered vaguely if paige was following her on a secret side account or if she searched up azzi’s name every so often to catch up on her videos.
that was what azzi did for paige, anyway.
“oh cool,” paige’s friend said, looking up at azzi with a smile. “i’m jana.” she gestured at paige’s other friend. “that’s aubrey.”
azzi gave a stupid little wave. “i’m azzi,” she said.
paige wasn’t looking at any of them, her eyes lowered somewhere to azzi’s lower left. “why do you have five cans of tuna and a jug of goat milk in your basket?” she asked.
azzi looked down into her basket where a purple carton labeled GOAT MILK in bold white text stood tall and proud next to her tuna tower.
she really didn’t have anything to say to defend herself.
she looked into paige’s shopping cart instead. “why do you have seventeen giant slim jims in your cart?” she asked. “and… four jars of pickles? are you serious?”
“it’s actually twelve slim jims,” paige snapped.
azzi stared at her. “do you think that’s better?”
jana and aubrey had backed away from them again and were whispering to each other. azzi felt her face heat. they were making a scene.
“okay, well,” azzi said abruptly. “bye.”
“bye,” paige muttered.
they started walking down the aisle at the same time.
azzi stopped, and then paige stopped. “don’t follow me,” azzi snapped.
paige narrowed her eyes at her. “i’m not following you. i literally have to check out.”
azzi pursed her lips. “well… i do, too.”
they walked over to self checkout in awkward silence, shooting each other glares along the way. paige’s friends trailed behind them, and azzi could only make a single sentence out of their whispers.
“even their steps are in sync.”
azzi glanced down and saw that it was true. she broke the rhythm of her steps, stepping at odd intervals to break the synchrony of their walk.
paige looked over, judgment clear on her face. “why are you walking like that,” she asked.
azzi ignored her and resumed walking at a new, unique pace.
they sidled up to self checkout kiosks at opposite ends of the row, scanning their items and paying without exchanging a single word. as she was bagging her items, azzi glanced up to see paige starting to leave. she looked away and grabbed her receipt.
when azzi looked up again, paige was still leaving the checkout aisle. her friends were up ahead, chatting to each other as they walked out the double glass doors. they didn’t even seem to notice they’d left paige behind.
“excuse me,” azzi said as she walked past paige, even though there was actually plenty of room for her to walk around.
she made it four more steps toward the exit before she paused.
azzi thought about paige's stupid videos and how inept she was at literally anything to do with her garden. about how insistent she was that a thread-sized carrot was a win and not a pathetic mark of failure. about the horrible angle she filmed all her videos at, backlit and unflattering to what was actually a really good face. about her fuckass hat and her dumb uv outfit and the way she always said hey guys at the beginning of her videos.
azzi thought about all those things and her heart sank as she realized what she was going to do. to be this gay during pride month was so lame, azzi actually resonated with alex jones for a second.
she turned around to find paige reaching toward her, as if she was about to tap her shoulder. paige left her arm hovering there midair for an uncomfortable few seconds before she lowered it.
“okay,” azzi began. she wondered briefly what her life would look like if she had to avoid this grocery store forever. then, before she could back out or flee or kill herself, she blurted, “this is so stupid but can i have your number.”
relief seemed to flood paige’s face, the line of her shoulders relaxing for the first time since she’d recognized azzi in the cereal aisle. “only if you agree to have dinner with me,” she said.
azzi’s heart soared as her brain facepalmed.
“yes,” she said, unable to tamp down the dorky smile that was taking over her face. “as long as you don’t use veggies from your garden.”