Chapter Text
Bif was no stranger to weird glances, harsh words being thrown at him, or even the occasional push or shove from some random guy. He’d been going through that his entire life up until he got to Bullworth his freshman year due to the way he used to look. Bif didn’t always have a tough guy persona or even the look of a guy at all. He’d unfortunately been born as someone he knew he wasn’t. A girl.
He knew from the beginning that he wasn’t a girl when he was invited over to a sleepover with a bunch of other girls. He felt weird being there, with some of them painting each other's nails and gossiping about boys they liked. They all would look at him weirdly when he spoke against any of the suggested activities that were apparently meant for girls to do.
Although… The boy's part wasn’t as bad compared to the nail painting if he was being honest.
But sleepovers were simply one part of the disconnect he felt with his birth sex. When he was in middle school, boys would come up to him and pretend to be interested. He knew they were messing with him, but every time they mentioned them wanting him to be their girlfriend, it always made him sick to his stomach. The idea of being someone’s girl was simply not possible for him, not in this life or the next.
So he decided to go to his parents for aid in his conflicting sense of self. When he told them about his dissatisfaction in his gender, they were confused at first, almost entirely against it. The moment that forced them to come around was when the depression had riddled his mind with doubts and anxiety. It’d gone to the point that he’d considered ending his life, he’d written a note and everything.
That’s when they came around. They understood the severity of his disconnect with his body and mind, which prompted them to contact a doctor who specialized in kids like him. The doctor ended up giving what he’d been experiencing a name, he called it transsexualism, or just transsexual for short. Bif had never heard of the term before, he’d been used to being called a dyke to the point that it hadn’t come to his mind that there was an actual name for it.
He was glad to know there was a cure to being transsexual, or less of a cure but more so something that can ease the pain.
Hormone replacement therapy, that’s what was going to help him. It was supposed to change his body to make him feel more like himself, a man with the help of testosterone shots. His parents initially were apprehensive about the idea of him “altering his body” per their words but were won over with the thought of Biff no longer wanting to hurt himself.
Bif had never felt so much joy in his life. The moment his voice had deepened, his arms gained muscle to them, his face had sharpened and bits of facial hair grew in, he felt alive. He felt like his life had just actually started. Not when the doctors guided him out from his mother and declared his sex, but when he started testosterone, that’s when he’d been born.
If he’d known this was an option, he’d have ran to his parents earlier when he was in middle school rather than hiding his true self for so long.
But that was all in the past now. Since then, he's gotten bigger. His biceps had grown, he didn’t even need to flex for them to be on display anymore. He even managed to get a bit taller, though he assumed it was due to his father rather than the testosterone but he was happy nonetheless. The increase in his muscle mass and weight was due to the workout sessions he had. The testosterone made it easier for him to develop the body he wanted and allowed him to present himself as the man he was.
Having his parents enroll him into bullworth his freshman year had ended up being the best thing that could’ve happened to him. Yes, his parents donating a ton of money to Bullworth got him a spot but it still was a good thing for him. He was able to walk around the campus and people saw him as a man, no one questioned him or insulted him anymore.
He even managed to attract the attention of a student, none other than Derby Harrington himself. Bif had noticed him on the first day of his freshman year; he never said anything until Derby had come to him first and sparked up a conversation. He was almost bewildered with the sudden interest but they existed within the same social circle so it wasn’t entirely surprising.
At first it seemed platonic, just mindless banter and a bit of friendly flirting thrown in every once in a while by Derby. Only the amount of flirting between two guys who’d been friends for a while would have, nothing serious. Then it became brushes of their hands, a hand on his back that slid a little too far down before he had to grab it and keep it on the small of his back. In all fairness sometimes he’d allow it to slide down further but not when they were in public.
The moment he realized that Derby was more interested in him than a friend should be was when they’d been in Derby’s dorm room. The school day had ended and they were both dressed in their night clothes while watching tv. The distance between their bodies was less than an inch so it was safe to say they’d been incredibly close to one another.
As the movie played in front of them, some old shitty black and white movie Derby enjoyed, he felt Derby’s hand settle on his thigh, rubbing it gently. It made him feel anxious, he was unsure of what it meant or what he was supposed to do in return. He never thought anyone would be interested in him when he was younger so he wasn’t prepared for a scenario like this one.
Derby must have felt the tension in his body as he slid his hand further down his leg, moving away from previous closeness his fingers had to his crotch. He was glad that he noticed his nervousness and adjusted to it rather than ignoring it. It made him relax into the pillow behind their back, he didn’t even feel the need to remove his hand either, letting it rest lower on his leg comfortably.
The movie had eventually finished an hour later, the screen turning completely black which left him bathed in the light of a candle Derby had lit beside them on his bedside drawer. It created an intimate atmosphere that was undeniably filling him with certain emotions swirling in his mind.
He remembered turning his head towards Derby to get a good look at his face. Derby had a face that he’d describe to be sculpted from a statue. His face had sharp angles that someone could trace delicately with a pencil and end up chipping the lead. His lips were perfectly full, without a sign of dryness anywhere. There couldn’t be with how many times he’d seen his tongue dart out to wet them.
Derby had turned his head to face him as well, probably inspecting his face in the same manner. He felt his heart pick up speed at the thought of him analyzing his features. Even though he’d been on testosterone for years, he always had doubts in his mind that someone could tell that he wasn’t what he said he was. Maybe it was his lips that gave it away, or maybe his jawline, or the fact that he didn’t grow a lot of facial hair.
Throughout his nervous state of mind, he failed to notice the angle of their faces changing. Derby’s head had tilted to the side, as if he was angling his lips to match his in… a kiss.
That was the moment when he’d realized all the friendly flirting they’d done actually meant something. It wasn’t something that was meant to be taken as a joke, Derby had been trying to flirt with him because he was actually interested in him.
He watched Derby’s face inch closer to his, their lips almost brushing against one another with the closing distance. He felt puffs of air on his lips and decided to end the teasing; he leaned forward and finally kissed him. The kiss felt just as he would want a kiss to feel like. Soft and smooth lips pressed against his with a gentleness of which you’d only see in movies. It was everything he'd want and more.
From that day on, they grew closer to one another and eventually grew to the point of becoming a relationship. They found out that they both shared a love for the gym, whereas Bif preferred the regular exercise with sets, Derby preferred boxing. Once he got into the rhythm of working out with Derby, he ended up becoming interested in boxing as well. He’d practice with Derby, making sure to not actively harm him with their sessions.
He inevitably became enraptured with the art of boxing, he worked out with equipment less and used the boxing ring more often, usually with Derby or some other prep that was in the gym.
Just as their relationship had been developing more and more, Derby’s affection became more and more charged. The gentle touches were still gentle, but there seemed to be something more behind them, like a simmering flame that had been fanned constantly, only becoming brighter as their relationship grew. They’d only kissed and slept together, literally sleep together up until their senior year.
He’d gotten away with being able to say that he just wasn’t ready for intimacy with him yet because of how young they were. Which wasn’t a lie because they’d started dating freshman year which made them fifteen at the time. But they were eighteen now, old enough to do anything they wanted when it came to intimacy. He knows Derby would never force him to do anything, he could be an ass at times to people but pushy was not what he’d call him.
Which brought them to the current situation Bif was in. He needed to figure out how to tell Derby about his transition, about him being a transsexual. It was the right thing to do, but he was terrified. He didn’t know how Derby felt about transsexuals, even though he was gay. Not every gay person recognizes transsexuals as people and end up having the same amount of hate for them that a straight person would.
He still knew that he needed to tell him about his identity one way or another. It would eventually come up if they were to become intimate. It’d be embarrassing for Derby to take his pants off and be confused with the sight of a vagina rather than a penis, and that was something he’d rather avoid early on.
So it was settled, he needed to tell him, but the real question was how did he tell him without losing the one person who made him feel like he was worthy of love?