Chapter Text
The sound of explosions rocked the street as gunfire and grenades flew through the air. Several armed men aimed their rifles in various directions, unloading into the various windows. In a nearby alleyway, three young men were clutching onto the wall for dear life.
“You guys can’t do anything right!” Pietro Maximoff declared angrily.
“Oh, don’t start now!” Lance Alvers groaned.
“I mean it!” Pietro snapped. “I give you bozos one job: capture a guy who’s been talking trash about mutants for Magneto. I even gave you the charity of tagging along myself. And what do you do? You cave in the street!”
“THAT’S MY POWER!” Lance snapped.
“WHY WERE YOU USING IT?!” Pietro snapped back.
“YOU TOLD ME TO GO FIRST!”
“Uh, guys-” Fred Dukes attempted to interject.
“NOT NOW, FRED!” they both turned to him before snapping back to their argument in unison.
“Well, Lancey boy, if you’re such a tactical genius, why don’t you come up with the plan?!” Pietro stuck his tongue out.
“Fine,” Lance scoffed. “You go draw their fire, and Toad can grab the guy and leap away.”
“That’s a ridiculous plan,” Pietro folded his arms.
“Fine, come up with something better,” Lance rolled his eyes.
“Fine, I will,” Pietro smirked. “I say, I will distract everyone with my unique set of skills, and you send Tolansky in to do the grunt work.”
Lance nodded slowly, a deep scowl on his face.
“Great plan,” he clapped. “So original.”
“GUYS!” Fred snapped.
“Fred, we’ll listen to your problem in a second, we need to get Toad,” Lance sighed.
“THAT IS MY PROBLEM!” Fred shouted. “WHERE IS TOAD?!”
Lance and Pietro glanced around, It was just the three of them.
“Fabulous,” Lance grumbled as he poked his head out an inch. Pietro and Fred inched their field of vision closer to the edge as well.
“There he is,” Pietro whispered, pointing at the car their target was in.
Lance and Fred followed Pietro’s finger. Todd Tolansky was curled up under the car, his hands over his ears and his eyes shut tight.
“What’s he doing over there?” Pietro asked.
“I don’t know, it’s not like anyone here had the speed to get him to safety instead of complaining to me the whole time” Lance glared.
“I mean, at least he’s already in position?” Fred asked hopefully.
“Yeah!” Pietro nodded.
“That doesn’t matter if we can’t tell him the plan!” Lance reminded them.
“I could super speed over to him and whisper it?” Pietro suggested.
“The guards are facing every direction and you’re wearing bright blue in the middle of the day,” Lance grunted.
“Oh, what’s your idea, Fred Durst?” Pietro snapped. “Tap out the game plan in morse code with seismic waves?”
“Wait a minute, that actually sounds like a good idea,” Lance whispered. “I think I know a little- nevermind, Toad doesn’t know it.”
“Hey, maybe that guy can save him,” Fred pointed outwards. Everyone glanced to see There was a man in what looked like red and black pajamas slithering under the car right next to Toad.
“Is that…Spider-Man?” Pietro asked.
Under the car, Todd Tolansky turned around at the new presence in his car.
“Yo, who are you?” he asked.
“Who am I?” his new friend replied. “I’m Wade Wilson. But you can call me by my middle name. Ryan Reynolds.”
“The guy from Van Wilder?” Todd asked.
“Yeah, but on the job, people call me Deathstr- sorry, wrong channel. Deadpool. And you must be…”
“Toad,” Todd replied.
“Nice to meet you, Toad,” Wade replied. “What brings you round these parts?”
“I’m supposed to be kidnapping the guy in there,” Todd pointed above them at the vehicle they were camped under.”
“Hey, that’s funny, I’m supposed to k-” Wade paused, noting the age of the individual he was talking to.
“Kidnap him too!” he finished.
“Oh, cool,” Toad shrugged. “You work for Magneto too?”
“Nah, he runs a mutants-only club,” Wade shrugged.
“You ain’t a mutant?” Todd asked as Wade began fiddling with his pouches.
“Think of me like that one distant cousin at the family reunions that everybody silently hopes won’t sit at their table,” Wade explained, pulling out a block of C-4.
As he began affixing it to the underside of the frame, Toad looked worried.
“Yo dude, ain’t that gonna blow up?” he asked.
“The car? Yeah, totally,” Wade shrugged. “Don’t worry. The people inside will simply teleport to safety offscreen.”
“Offscreen? Yo, are we being filmed or something?” Todd asked.
“Or something,” Wade replied. “Anyhoo, it’s gonna blow up now. Count to five!”
Wade grabbed Todd by the wrist, punching his belt-buckle as he took a deep breath. Seconds later, the two landed on a rooftop one block away from the loud BOOM! That echoed for miles.
“Oof,” Toad gasped. “Is that how it feels to be Nightcrawler?”
“No, he smells of sulfur, I just smell of poor hygiene.” Wade assured Todd.
“Hey, I ain’t one to judge,” Todd scoffed. “Anyway, you see my so-called friends anywhere?”
“Oh, you mean the three kids running for dear life down the street?” Wade asked, glancing over the side of the rooftop. Toad glanced over to see that his friends were indeed running for dear life.
“Welp, looks like the playdate’s over. Time for you to go home,” Wade brushed his hands off, some of the soot from the explosion falling off.
“Yeah,” Todd watched Pietro remember he had super speed and zip away as Fred stepped on a fire hydrant running away. His best friends. Who couldn’t even be bothered to ask where he was until he was holding on for dear life. Who let Magneto, or Mystique, or whatever big bad mutant was in town boss them around without a second thought. Who were probably just going to let Pietro take the credit for whatever happened down there when they got back.
“Hey Wade?” Todd asked.
“Yeah?”
“Can I go with you instead?”
Wade looked at the running team members and then back at Toad.
“Okay,” he shrugged. “I get it. You be Burt Ward, I’ll be Adam West? Great plan. You better like chimichangas, though. Because it’s dinner. And tomorrow’s breakfast. And tomorrow’s lunch. And tomorrow’s dinner. And our only snacks.”
“Yo, I’ve eaten bugs, that sounds like a five star meal to me,” Todd shrugged as he hopped after Wade.
“So what’s gonna happen to that guy we were supposed to kidnap?”
Wade bit his lip under his mask. Considering how much C4 he had stuck to that car, half of the guy was probably in Florida and the other half was probably in Vegas.
“Well, he probably teleported away,” Wade shrugged. “I doubt we’ll see him again.”
“Oh well,” Toad shrugged. “Let Pietro explain it to the boss. Or rather, his boss, cause I just quit.”