Chapter Text
Louis' P.O.V.
I've never pegged myself as much of a writer...but my therapist told me to start writing in a journal to help with my depression, so here goes...
Louis took a deep breath. It's true. The only writing he ever did was when he wrote songs for One Direction. And even then, he was usually still with others. This was one of the only times he'd ever written by himself, much less in a journal. It made him feel like a 13-year-old girl sometimes.
None the less, he picked up his pencil and kept writing.
I've been struggling with depression for a while and...
Louis stopped to think. This was hard. Are there rules for writing in journals? Are there specific guidelines? Well, his therapist told him to be honest so...
Louis picked up his pencil once again.
...it really sucks.
"Lou! Whatcha doing it there? You've been in there for ages!" Louis turned around to meet a familiar pair of emerald green eyes.
"G'morning to you, too, Hazza," Louis chuckled.
Harry smiled at his nickname, making his dimples carve in to his cheeks. Louis' heart fluttered. He'd always been a sucker for dimples. It was just one of those things that made Harry so adorable.
Along with all the other things. He could list a million.
Louis wasn't exactly sure when he fell in love with Harry. Maybe it was when they had first met in the toilets on the X Factor. Maybe it was when they were made into a band, and had become attached at the hip ever since. Maybe it was the first time he heard his beautiful voice harmonizing with his own. Maybe it was when they decided to move in to the same flat together. Maybe it was when they first got shipped together as "Larry Stylinson" by their amazingly supportive fans. Maybe it was just all of his cute quirks put together that made him the wonderful man that Louis just desperately wanted to be his. Who knows?
"C'mon, Lou! Breakfast is ready! Eat up quick, we've got an interview in an hour!" Harry snapped Louis out of his daze and the two bounced into the kitchen.
Louis looked at the plate of eggs that Harry had made for him and frowned. Granted, it looked amazing, but he just couldn't eat it.
"Sorry, Haz...but I'm not really hungry," Louis lied, making Harry's face fall.
"Louis, you haven't been eating a lot lately...are you okay? Are you sick?"
"No, no. I'm not sick. It's just..."
Louis trailed off. "Oh, God. Please don't ask any more questions," he thought.
"Okay...if you say so," Harry just shrugged it off. Louis was relieved. He didn't feel like being interrogated right now.
On the way driving to the interview, Louis sat in the passenger seat, deep in thought.
"What if I told him?" He thought to himself. "What if I told him that I was depressed? Maybe he could help! Maybe he could support me! He could even help me get better!" Louis smiled internally at the thought of anyone caring enough to help him.
Why the hell would he support you? You know he'll never love you back. He'll just think you're weird. He'll hate you. You shouldn't tell him. That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you dumbass.
Louis sighed. His conscience was right. It was stupid. Pushing away the thought, he continued to look out the window, becoming enveloped in his thoughts once again.
********
"So, which of you five are in relationships?" The interviewer asked.
Only Louis and Zayn raised their hands. Harry, and more importantly, Niall and Liam, didn't.
Niall and Liam had been secretly dating for years. It was okay, because not that many people shipped them. Because of that, they were able to keep it on the down low, and be together in secret. Management even said they could come out soon, which was a big surprise, considering how strict Modest! was.
"So, Zayn," the interviewer continued, "you are engaged to Perrie Edwards, correct?"
Zayn smiled. "Yes, that is correct."
The live audience cheered loudly, including the boys and the interviewer, making Zayn grin from ear to ear.
Once the applause died down, the interviewer congratulated Zayn on his engagement, and wished him a happy marriage. He then turned to Louis.
"And you, Lou," Louis hummed in response. "You are still dating Eleanor Calder, yes?"
Louis gritted his teeth, but tried not to show it. "Yes, I am," he stated emotionlessly.
The interviewer smiled, showing off his blindingly white teeth.
"I'm sure you two are very happy together, right?"
Louis sighed internally. Forcing a smile, he replied, "Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all good."
"Good," the interviewer grinned.
Louis chuckled awkwardly.
The interviewer ignored him and turned to Harry. "So, tell us about your new album. What gave you the idea for the title?"
It was at this point that Louis stopped listening. He was too caught up in his own thoughts. Not even a second went by when the interviewer soon thanked them for being there, they shared their goodbyes, and he and Harry were on their way home.
********
Group Chat
Nialler: Who's up 4 drinks
Leeyum: meeee
DJ Malik: I'm in
Nialler: how bout u guys
Curly: yesss
Curly: Lou?
You: ehhhhh I'll pass. Srry :(
Louis looked up from his phone to face a disappointed Harry.
"Why don't you wanna go?" Harry pouted. Louis felt his heart melt a little.
"Ahhh...I'm kinda tired," Louis lied. "Really just not feeling up to it."
Luckily, Harry bought it. "Okay. Get some rest," Harry walked up to the front door. He opened it to meet Liam, Zayn, and Niall.
As they drove away, Harry shouted," Don't do anything dangerous while I'm gone!"
Louis smiled to himself. "You have no idea..."
********
(Trigger scene!!) Don't try this at home, kids.
Once they drove out of sight, and Louis was sure that they were long gone, he walked back inside.
He was finally alone.
He made his way to his bathroom. Without even thinking, he pulled out his drawer and rummaged around, trying to find the object he was looking for: a blade.
It was a shiny, silver blade in the shape of a long triangle-But what it looks like doesn't matter.
What matters is that it's sharp. Very sharp.
Perfect for cutting.
He finally found his blade. Gripping it with his eager hand, he brought to to his wrist, then pressed down and dragged it along his skin, making deep, long cut. It hurt, but hey, that's the point, right? So he kept going. 3 slashes were made.
Next, he made 2 even deeper cuts along his stomach, his favorite place to cut.
Louis ended up making 8 cuts on his body in total.
He spoke aloud, "There. You happy?"
You could have gone deeper.
"Shut up," he argued to that stupid voice in his head.
You should have kept going until you bled to death.
"SHUT UP!"
After cleaning his cuts, Louis decided to take a shower. He winced as the hot, soapy water ran over his fresh cuts, making them sting slightly.
Standing in front of mirror after his shower, he scowled at what he saw.
You are disgusting. You're a stupid fucking excuse for a human. A fag that no one will ever love. You don't deserve to live.
Louis started to cry. He shook his head back and forth, wiping the hot tears rolling down his face. He hated everything.
He hated the stupid voice in his head always shooting him down. He hated how fat he was, no matter how much he purged and refused to eat. He hated every single scar on his body, yet he would continue to make them constantly. He hated his weak voice, and the fact that he didn't deserve as many solos as the others. And last but not least, he hated himself. No matter what the situation was, he just hated himself, and the fact that he was still alive.
Louis gulped nervously when that particular thought crosses his mind.
The idea of committing suicide scared Louis. Granted, he may not have wanted to be where he was now, but the idea of leaving it all behind was a bit overwhelming.
"Maybe someday..." he thought.
Pushing those ideas aside, he got dressed and flopped down on his bed.
"I wonder how the boys are doing..."
With that last thought, Louis drifted off to sleep.