Chapter Text
I always told her to get lost. Bitter, beer foam slipping down my chin, a glare at her beautiful beaming face. I never could rationalize why a woman so angelic would ever talk me. We’ve known each other for years, she’s around the same age as Abigail and the others. Ever since she turned twenty-one last year we’ve been drinking together almost nightly. She isn’t as bad as me, not at the saloon every night, but pretty damn close. Her grandfather, the old man, would be very disappointed in her recent habits.
Admittedly I’ve been feeling a certain way about it lately. Exaggerated by the fact that I’ve been hooking up with her just about every time we’ve hung out for the past month. I don’t understand why she isn’t sniffing around her peers. Sam is a handsome, funny guy; Sebastian has a motorcycle. I’ve seen them hang out, but she doesn’t stick to them like she does to me. There’s just no shot they don’t think she’s fine, because it’s an undeniable fact.
I never meant for it- for us… to go this far. Going back to her farmhouse after the saloon closed, getting caught up in the last drinks of the night, when I just wanted her home safe. I’m ashamed to admit I kissed her first, but I never thought she’d kiss me back so desperately. Never thought she’d pull me back to her bedroom and make the sweetest sounds I will ever hear (.. all for me).
I’ve never been good at restraint, probably one reason why I’m an alcoholic. At least that was solely my problem. Until now.
Somehow, like an idiot… I’ve fallen for her. Hard. Which is why I suddenly wish she’d never spoken to me at all. The perfection of her figure, her intoxicating smell, the way she looks at me with no hint of disdain. It all makes me want, need, her for myself. I refuse to fool myself into thinking I’m more than readily available dick. Even if she felt something more, I wouldn’t want her to.
Tonight I’m going to ask her to go away. It worked so well before, I think with sarcasm. It’s friday and I’m at my usual spot by the saloon’s bar. At this point I’m seven cans deep and it’s noon. By the time she graces me with her presence I can’t even think straight. Another hour and I’ll be on my ass.
“Hey, you.” She greets me with an enthusiastic smile and wave. She’s got her first drink of the day, some kind of wine cooler, it looks delicious but deceptively strong.
I sigh as I turn away, trying to look as bitchy and flat out uninterested as possible. “Leave me alone,” I spit bitterly, leaning back against the cold wooden wall. My beer suddenly tastes so flavorless once it hits my tongue. My world feels colder and grayer. Unable to bring myself to look her in the face, I close my eyes and chug as if I could chase the flavor back.
“You can’t get rid of me that easy,” I hear her say. “You know better.” She laughs. Somehow, I believe her. So goddamn persistent… Instead of giving up when I badly want to, I continue to ignore her. Eventually, after trying and failing to get me to speak to her, she quiets and walks away. I sigh in bittersweet relief as she retreats. That was hard but I think it was right.
A full night of getting pissed later, I grab my coat and get ready to leave. It’s midnight and Gus is closing up. Almost everyone is gone, most of the lights are already off- it’s a little eerie. As I approach the door something stops me. It’s her, she’s nodding off in a chair, alone at a table close to the door. She meets my eyes unsteadily with the cheesiest pout on her gorgeous face. The very sight strikes me in the heart. It makes me sigh wearily. We’ve been through this before…
Just keep it in your pants this time, Shane. Seriously.
Sigh. “Let me walk you home.”.
Giving in was the right thing to do in this situation, I can’t have her passing out in the snow tonight. I’d never forgive myself. Trying to ignore her obvious pleasure, I wrap her in her scarf and put my arm around her. The walk to the farm is quiet, she leans against me taking loud panting breaths due to her drunken stumble.
Once we make it to the farm, she, of course, begs me to stay.
“Shane,” she whines, grappling her hands on my coat. We’re standing just inside her door. “What did I do? Are you mad at me?” Tears were running steadily down her cheeks. Weak as I am, I hold her face and wipe them away. I desperately want to kiss her right now. I swear I would marry her in a heartbeat if I deserved someone so perfect. Hurting her like this made me feel raw on the inside. I wish I was dead. At least if I killed myself tonight, I could finally end everyone’s suffering.
A sudden sloppy kiss catches me off guard, her mouth is so warm against my cold lips. “I’ll do anything to make you stay.” She kisses me again, drunkenly trying to get her tongue in my mouth. To stop her, I gently press her back against the front door. Her kiss gets me drunker than any liquor could and ten times as fast, it makes me clench my eyes shut in pain. A dizzy spell brings my free hand up to my temple. One taste of her lips and my head is already spinning.
She’s sniffling underneath my palm, crying quietly as her heart races. I haven’t been able to look her in the eye all night, but I force myself to do it now. “Sweetheart,” I say with poorly contained affection, “don’t waste your time. I’m just a good for nothing bar fly.” There’s no mistaking the wince that crosses her face. Nobody wants to hear someone talk about themselves like I do, but I’m just being honest. Ever since I became this pathetic mess of a man, nobody in town really ever wants anything to do with me. If she ended up like me… I don’t want to think about it. My heart contracts painfully.
“You’re not good for nothing.” It was a joke, she eyed my lower half as she said it, successfully making me sigh a laugh. She smiles at the sound of it, her cheeks still tear-stained. Unable to fight the urge, I wipe the wet trails away with my thumb.
“I’m glad I’m good for something,” my tone is joking, but I’m sincere. I’d do anything to soothe her. In another world I wouldn’t have minded living just to please her, my purpose simply to make her cum whenever she wanted. It’s practically been my reason for living for the past month. The fantasy was almost comforting. In reality, I don’t even deserve that role.
Her hair is falling in her face, she has a flush on her cheeks that I’m all too familiar with. Breathtakingly beautiful, she pleads with me again, “stay with me again tonight. ‘S too cold to go home now.” Her words were slurring, but she’d be right if I wasn’t betting on dying tonight. “We can call Marnie to let her and Jas know you’re safe.”
Her proposition is tempting. We’ve been so close for a few minutes now, it has me feeling intoxicated. If I stay here it’ll happen again. I don’t know if I’ll ever get away. After a long pause I finally sigh again, my shoulders dropping. I know I must look like a kicked puppy right now. Pathetic. But I can’t help the way my eyes must shine when I’m looking into hers. “You want me…?” I’m barely sure I even said the words aloud, it can’t have been more than a whimper. If I had a shred of pride I’d be mortified right now
Her arms wrap around me and I don’t stop them. She presses a hand around the back of my head, me down to rest in her neck. “I need you, Shane. So bad. And fuck it,” her voice shakes, “I’m tired of this- I love you.”
My blood runs cold, but my heart explodes. “Don’t say that,” I quickly respond, my voice muffled in her warm neck. I can hardly believe it, but I’m actually crying for the first time in years. I feel the foreign wetness drip from my eye to her shoulder. “Fuck, please don’t say any more.” My rough voice is breaking with small sobs.
I don’t think I can take it, I don’t want to live anymore.
“I love you, I don’t care, I love you.” The alcohol in her system made her bold. Her fingers tangle in my hair and hold on. It should feel amazing to hear this- I just feel like I’m being stabbed over and over again. She held me tighter, maybe trying to keep me grounded. “You are so good to me. I know we both have problems, but I want to work them out together. Because I’m so fucking scared, Shane… that one day you won’t be here to do it with me.”
I pulled away from her shaking form to look her in the face. “I don’t deserve you, really. Spare me the pain of being your fucked up boyfriend.” My words are harsh, there’s a bite in them I don’t mean. If she keeps pushing me, I’ll fold. I need to leave right now.
“What if I’m your fucked up girlfriend?” She questions defiantly. “But I guess it’s only you that deserves to suffer, even though I’m right there with you getting wasted every night.” She slips free from the front of the door and starts angrily walking to the kitchen, her legs are wobbling and she’s swaying. I’ll be so pissed if she falls so I follow her, ready to leap into action.
The bulb in the kitchen needs to be replaced, it keeps blinking overhead once she flicks the light on. This old farmhouse has tall ceilings, she probably can’t reach it without a ladder. She goes straight to the fridge, loudly and clumsily rummaging around for some clinking wine coolers. Just what we both need, more drinks. She sets two on the counter and looks at me expectantly. Pop the tops off, that’s what she wants me to do, I know it even though she doesn’t ask. I swallow hard, remembering in this moment just how helpless I am when it comes to her.
Both caps are removed, then we’re right back to being shitty. She invites me to sit on the couch to watch TV by the fireplace. I oblige, shrugging off my coat. She’s struggling to get her layers off alone, so I assist. I’ve forgotten all my reservations by the time my fingers reach the hot layer of clothing closest to her naked skin. When we settle on the couch at last, she picks a movie. It’s some random Sci-Fi flick that I’ve never seen or heard of, but she acts like she’s seen it before. We nurse a drink or two until she’s suddenly distracting me with needy kisses.
Now the alcohol has me breaking. I can’t stop myself from kissing her down into the cushions, getting between those heavenly thighs and rutting against her like a complete idiot. “Fuck, Sweetheart,” I grunt into her mouth. “You’re killing me…” Death never felt so good.
She keens in response, breathlessly thrashing and trying to peel off the fitted long sleeve shirt still on her sweating form. “Please,” she’s begging, I don’t know if she even knows for what. “Please, please, please…” She’s so fucked up there’s no way I can do this, no matter how drunk I am too. I know if I pull away now she’ll only plead harder, so I lean down and press gentle kisses on her face and neck.
In a matter of minutes she’s passed out. I can’t move, won’t. Her face is scrunched up but her breathing is even. I’m in the presence of an angel, my angel, my sweetheart, my sunshine. My mind is moving so fast. I laid down on top of her, resting my head on her chest to listen to her slowing heartbeat. I want to marry her. Badum badum, her heart is so loud in my ear. I wanna get her pregnant. My softening dick perks up for a second. I want her to be mine forever. “I love you, my sweet girl.” I whisper into the air.
Fuck. I guess this means I have to get my shit together. No more excuses, Shane. Be the man she deserves.