Chapter Text
Neil Josten was a productive member of society, at least allegedly. He had a job, he had a side gig. He had an apartment and a degree. That’s really all he needed, and he told himself that it was all he wanted. After so many years spent running, hiding, dodging people who wanted to be his friend, and pretending like he didn’t want anything, he wasn’t very good at letting people in, and he was even worse at letting himself want.
He was lucky in so many ways. Not only was he alive, but he was smart, capable, and had people who stuck with him through thick and thin. He had Matt as a roommate and best friend, and it was almost impossible to feel miserable when he had a ray of sunshine living in the same space as him. His roommate went to Palmetto State with him, and although he had graduated a few years before Neil, they had become friends and stayed that way. Matt worked at a gym near their place as an athletic trainer, which worked just fine for him, considering he rarely left their apartment unless he had a good reason to.
Most things didn’t really seem like good enough reasons. Groceries? Matt usually covered those; he didn’t eat much. If he needed something special, he went and got it himself. Exercise? He liked going for runs, but that was back when he was in college and had the bandwidth. Now he just lifted weights in the building's small gym when it was so late at night that nobody else would be there. Work? He was a freelancer and a tutor. Everything he did could be done from the comfort of his desk chair while he was in his pajamas. Friends? They mostly came to Neil and Matt’s apartment. He wasn’t sure if that was because they were older and too mature to get wasted at bars anymore or because they had caught on to his hermit tendencies. Kevin was the most frequent flyer. He stayed over whenever he was in town for a game, which was often enough that he had to buy an air mattress for himself.
Kevin was a good friend for two reasons. He didn’t ask many questions about Neil’s past, and he was a damn good guy to know. He knew anyone and everyone, partially because his mom used to run a pretty good sports business before she died, and left Kevin with not only her money, but her connections. It used to get them into pretty good places, and it got a lot of them good internships (Neil included, which was nice, since most of his resume was a complete and total lie).
Unfortunately, he was also annoying.
“Neil, seriously. When was the last time you left the apartment?” Kevin leaned over the couch, peering at Neil’s open laptop where he was creating basic algebraic equations for some of his tutoring students.
“Yesterday.” He looked at him. “I went down to the gym.”
“Matt’s gym? Or the gym in the lobby.” Kevin raised an eyebrow at him, which did nothing to help hide his concern.
“The lobby. But it’s not a big deal.” He waved it off. “Plus, Matt’s gym is too strict for me. They banned me from running on their treadmills, so I don’t see a good reason to go.”
Kevin sighed. “Come out with me tonight.”
“Nope.” He popped the ‘p’ in the word while kicking his legs back and forth. “I’m gonna stay right here, nice and comfortable in my pajamas.”
“You can come with me to Eden’s in your pajamas, if you want.”
Neil fully turned at that, much to Kevin’s delight. “Eden’s.”
“Yep. Jean and Jeremy wanted me to come tonight. Figured you might be interested in tagging along?”
Eden’s Twilight was a BDSM club in Columbia, South Carolina. Most people didn’t know what kind of club it was, just that it was exclusive and a safe place to be, regardless of how difficult it was to get in there. Kevin and Neil had bonded in college over their interest in the community, which is how they decided to put their differences aside to get along, regardless of how annoying Neil found Kevin and how stubborn Kevin found Neil. Neil had always identified in a way that made it so nobody expected him to suddenly get into a relationship, or even to have casual sex, so he never tried.
But Eden’s would be a damn good place to start.
“So, you want me to go to a BDSM club with you and your boyfriends.” He closed his laptop; it wasn’t going to be important anymore.
“If you want to, you’re welcome to come.” Kevin clarified. “I’d like you to come. Mainly because I know that whatever is happening here.” He vaguely gestured to Neil’s spot on the couch. “Probably isn’t healthy.”
He rolled his eyes, but nodded anyway. “Yeah just…give me some time to get ready. Are you ready?” He questioned Kevin’s outfit. “You look like you just got back from church, or something.”
The other man shrugged, “I can change into whatever Jean has waiting for me when I get there. Maybe he wants me to look like I just got back from church.”
“Ah. Because that’s sexy.” He got up, ignoring the way that his bones popped. At twenty-five years old, he felt like he was developing arthritis. Probably because he sat in weird positions all day. Probably. “I’ll be back, make yourself comfortable.” He idly waved Kevin off as he wandered down the hall towards his room.
His wardrobe wasn’t exactly suited for going out. He practically lived in the same four pairs of sweatpants, a few pairs of pajama pants, a handful of t-shirts, and a singular pair of loose jeans. He didn’t like spending money on clothes, and he didn’t like going out to buy them. Most of what he owned was from when he was a teenager, aside from a few shirts Matt had donated to him, and a pair of sweatpants he had borrowed from one of Kevin’s college teammates and never given back.
He ended up choosing his one pair of jeans and a blue shirt that Dan said made his eyes pop. He shoved his wallet and phone into his back pockets and walked back out to where Kevin was waiting for him.
“Can you get your nose out of my fridge?” He sighed, and Kevin poked his head out.
“Matt is an athlete, and you’re a hermit, so why is there no food in your fridge?” He shut the doors and looked Neil up and down. “Is this your idea of clubbing clothes?”
He looked down at himself. “Well, I was going to put shoes on?”
“What shoes.” Kevin prodded.
“My sneakers.” He gestured vaguely to the shoe rack by the door, which contained exactly two pairs of his shoes, a beat-up pair of orange vans, and his running shoes, while the rest was covered in a dozen shoes that belonged to Matt or Dan.
“...Your life is very sad.” Kevin turned away and waited by the door while Neil slid his shoes on and grabbed his keys to the apartment.
“It’s not that bad.” He answered as they left and headed towards Kevin’s car. “Do you want me to drive?”
“Your driver's license is fake.” Kevin reminded him, which wasn’t exactly true. It was real, very real. The US government had handed it to him themselves, along with his new passport and social security card. The problem was that he’d never taken a driver's test, which felt like a pointless thing to worry about when he’d driven through active gunfire.
“You’ll be drunk later, I’ll have to drive eventually.” He slid into the passenger seat, his hands curling at his sides. Neil really, really hated leaving the house, but he didn’t want to prove to any of his friends that they were probably right about his reluctance to go outside being related to his mental state.
Kevin didn’t answer, just rolled out of the parking lot and started driving them towards Eden. Neil had been living in Columbia for the past two and a half years, and yet he’d barely seen any of the city. He didn’t see a need to explore a place he might run from, even if he knew he was staying there long-term; his tendency to run was deeply rooted in his soul.
He was jolted out of his thoughts by the sound of Kevin shifting the car into park. Eden’s Twilight didn’t look like much on the outside. It was a basic enough-looking club that stood alone at the end of a row of shops, with a parking lot and small parking garage behind it. Neil knew better than to assume things about the inside based on the outside. Jean had described it to him before, but seeing it himself was different.
When they walked in, all there was was a dance floor filled with people in various states of dress, from mostly nude to completely dressed to the nines. At the back of the dancefloor, there was a stage with a short fence surrounding it. He knew from Jean’s descriptions that that was where public scenes occurred; just the thought of it made his skin crawl, and he couldn’t tell if that was good or bad. There was a second floor that wrapped around the building, and near the entrance was the bar. It wasn’t distinct on it’s own, but the heavy air and the curtained off doors to the back area spoke to what the club was hiding in plain sight.
He exhaled and looked at Kevin, who was letting the bouncer put colored wristbands on his arm. He’d heard of the practice online, a way of non-verbally indicating what level of participation a given person was going to be doing. Kevin took three, one for his role as a switch, one for his status as someone who was taken, and one for someone who would be participating in power play while at the club, if the posters placed on the wall were any indication. Kevin silently gestured for him to make his own choices before stepping to the side while looking for Jean and Jeremy. He pointed at two, one for single, and another for not participating, and as the bouncer wrapped the two paper bands around his wrist, he finally found the courage to speak.
“Can I uhm- Have that one too?” His voice came out scratchy as his anxiety took over his drive to label himself as a submissive. The bouncer didn’t say anything, but wrapped the blue wristband around his arm and gestured for him to move forward. He shoved his hands in his pockets to avoid having to see the colors out of the corner of his eye.
If Kevin noticed it, he didn’t mention it as he led Neil to the bar.
“Kevin!” The bartender smiled. “Long time no see. Jean and Jeremy are up on the balcony waiting for you.”
“Thanks, Roland,” Kevin smiled back, and it was more genuine than the ones Neil usually saw. Kevin ordered himself a few shots and bought Neil a soda before dragging him with his tray up the steps to where Jean and Jeremy were.
When they approached, Jean was immediately staring at him in confusion.“Neil?” You’re here?”
“What happened to saying ‘Hello’?” Jeremy laughed. “Hi Neil, how are you.”
He shrugged as he sat down across from Jean, who still looked shocked to see him. He took his soda off the tray and rested his chin on the top before speaking. “Thought I’d try something new for once.”
“He hasn’t left his building in at least a month.” Kevin sat next to him, picking up one of his shots and quickly downing it. He didn’t miss the way Jean eyed his partner and the choices he made, from what he knew about the dynamic between the three of them, Kevin would get some sort of punishment if he got too drunk. Sometimes, he wanted that; sometimes, he didn’t.
As the three of them talked, Neil let their voices fade into the background. He surveyed the way that people carried themselves. There were people with blue bands, just like them, holding onto people wearing red bands, existing as equals, while others were clearly submitting to the person they were with. It felt as beautiful as it was terrifying. Eden’s wasn’t a place where people went to hide, it was a place where they came to be themselves. He rolled his can in his hands as he contemplated what he was doing here. Even if he wasn’t necessarily lying about who he was, he was always concealing something.
“Neil?” Jeremy spoke up, his hand gently touching Neil’s wrist. “We’ll be right back. Will you be okay on your own?”
He nodded softly, watching as Jeremy smiled and retracted his wrist. He tried not to let his eye trail the bands that matched Kevin’s as the two linked hands before walking away from their table. All the glasses were empty, so at least he didn’t have to watch their drinks.
Years ago, he never would’ve been able to space out in such a public place, but now, he was unable to stay present. The second they were out of sight, he fell back into his thoughts. It took someone sitting down in front of him for him to be able to re-engage with the world around him.
At first, he thought it was his friends returning, but when he looked up, he was met with hazel eyes that seemed to carry the weight of the world.
“Are you okay?” The man had a flat voice that didn’t convey much emotion, but damn if he wasn’t one of the most beautiful people Neil had ever seen. He had sandy blonde hair, and pale skin, which made the black leather of his clothes stand out. His wristbands were slightly concealing under his jacket, but he could see a sliver of red.
“Oh, yeah.” He mumbled, sitting up straight and looking at his still unopened can of soda. “Sorry.”
The man scoffed, “For what? Dissociating in a club?” Neil shrugged, he didn’t even know what that word meant. Breaking it down in his mind only helped a little, it sort of sounded like something he would hear in the psychology class he barely payed attention to when he was in college. “It’s fine.”
They stayed silent for a moment, and he almost got lost in his thoughts again, but before he could, the man snapped his fingers in his face.
“Hey. Focus on me.” He spoke sternly, and his face switched from a flat expression to one leaning more towards demanding.
Usually, Neil tried to be snarky when someone demanded something from him. He wasn’t the type of person to be controlled that easily. But a bad day, combined with the loud environment and the man's appealing appearance, made him more inclined to obey.
“What’s your name.” He took Neil’s can of soda and opened it before pushing it back towards him and gesturing for him to drink.
He took some small sips before answering. “Neil.” The other man seemed to be thinking, but his face was so unreadable that he couldn’t even begin to understand what he might be thinking. “And you are?”
“Andrew.” He answered. “Why are you alone if you clearly don’t want to be here?”
“My friends are off…doing something,” He gestured vaguely to the back rooms. “And It’s not that I don’t want to.” He frowned, wondering what was compelling him to be honest for once. “I’m just not used to leaving the house, is all.”
“A recluse.” Andrew raised his eyebrow in silent question.
“Not quite. I have friends.” He argued. “I just don’t leave the house that often, I don’t need to so I don’t.”
“But do you want to?” He probed, leaning forward. “Clearly, you wanted to come here for some reason.”
When Andrew leaned forward, his sleeve rode up enough just to show his other bands. They matched his. Andrew was single, and he wouldn’t be participating in any sort of dynamic tonight. From what he could tell, they were a rarity there.
“Maybe I was looking for someone like you.” He answered, trying to stop a smirk from growing on his face. He didn’t flirt often, and when he did, it usually had a poor outcome.
But Andrew’s lip twitched a bit. “What does someone like me mean?”
“Someone who can put up a fight.” He answered. “Someone who won’t make submission easy.”
Andrew didn’t get a chance to answer before Kevin, Jean, and Jeremy came back with another tray of drinks. It was hard to tell if they had really…done anything. But Jeremy’s hair was noticeably messy, and Kevin’s eyes looked a bit dilated. Jean was as flat-faced as usual, but it didn’t look as good on him as it did on Andrew.
“Andrew?” Kevin frowned. “How do you know Neil?”
“I don’t.” He answered, getting up and taking a shot off the tray. “I just came to check on him since it’s always depressing seeing a guy all alone at a club. He emptied the glass and placed it on the tray. “I’m leaving. I have an appointment.”
Kevin and Jean quietly said their goodbyes, but he couldn’t help himself.
“Wait- Can I…have your phone number? Maybe?” He felt desperate asking, but he couldn’t let this one get away. Just a few minutes of conversation made him feel like his head was spinning in a good way, for once.
“I don’t do scenes with subs I don’t know.” Andrew dismissed him. “And I sure as hell don’t do scenes with random guys who know Kevin.”
“You could know me, though.” He answered, but Andrew didn’t budge. His eyes roamed over Neil’s face, before he walked away again. Part of his heart felt like it sunk into his stomach, he looked back at his can of soda, trying to see if he could get any answers from the can that Andrew had forced open.
“Uh…Neil?” Kevin waved his hand in his face. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing. I guess.” He stood. “I uhm…I’m gonna go, I think. I’ll just call a taxi.”
Jean looked him up and down while Jeremy looked at Kevin.
“You can take my car. I’ll stay with Jeremy and Jean tonight.” Kevin looked a little tipsy, so it made sense that he wouldn’t be driving, but even as he handed Neil his keys, Neil felt a little bit of anxiety.
“Are you sure?” He asked, and Kevin waved it off.
“I’ll bring him by to pick it up tommorow. We’ll let you know when we’re on the way.”
He looked at the keys and nodded. Jeremy gave him a gentle pat on the back before sitting back down with his partners and watching Neil leave.
He was completely spaced out during his drive home. It felt like nothing was clicking in his head. He’d been turned down before, but not so flippantly. Not with so much disregard. He didn’t understand exactly who Andrew was, or how he knew Kevin, but he knew that he wanted him. He hadn’t wanted something in so long that the feeling felt foreign. He parked the car in the spot that was reserved for him, even though he didn’t have his own vehicle, and walked up to his apartment. Matt was still gone, so he picked up his blanket from the couch and quietly stalked into his room to change back into his pajamas.
Sleep was unwilling to claim him. He kept replaying the way that Andrew had questioned him, and he kept sighing when he remembered the way their short encounter ended. He felt desperate and discouraged. Past Neil would never have fixated on someone so easily. Past Neil would have never wasted his time on stupid things like going out to clubs where he could explore a life he had only dreamed of.
But current Neil was, and he had no clue what he was going to do about it.
As he was drifting off to sleep, his phone pinged with the familiar tone that meant that he was receiving a text message. When he checked his phone, there was a singular text from an unknown number. It had the same area code, but he didn’t recognize any of the numbers that followed. All it said was:
Unknown: Meet me at the Café on North 2nd. Friday at Four.
Self-preservation be damned, because curiosity was going to kill the cat.