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Come to me, in the night hours.
I will wait for you.
And I can't sleep, 'cause thoughts devour.
Thoughts of you consume.
He should have said no.
He should have turned him away, he should have fought with himself more to be able to resist letting him in.
But Minho, is like a snake that's just caught its next meal. Curling his body around him, wrapping tighter and tighter and tighter, until Seungmin can barely breathe.
He's helpless.
He's hopeless.
He's fucked.
The worst part about it is, that Minho doesn't even know that he has this death-grip on him. He has no idea that with every soft smile, every look that makes Seungmin feel as though time itself has stopped, that he coils around the soft flesh of Seungmin's heart even tighter, leaving Seungmin weak and in complete surrender to his inevitable demise.
It's so wrong.
Everything about it, is just so, so, so wrong.
He feels like the worst person to ever walk the earth.
He should have known, that first day. He should have known, from the moment Minho smiled at him, and extended his hand. He should have known, the second those perfectly shaped lips opened to say Hi, I'm Lee Minho. It's nice to meet you. He should have known, that a single handshake would be the first thread in a noose he'd one day choke on.
But he didn't know.
Seungmin swears he didn't know.
It didn't happen right away. Seungmin took the hand extended to him, and from that day on they'd stayed close to each other. Every day, Minho would seek him out. They'd eat lunch together, Minho would walk Seungmin to his lectures. They'd study together in the library, until the library turned into Minho's dorm room.
He didn't know…
Minho never mentioned him.
How could he have known, that the person he was starting to fall for, already belonged to someone else?
He should have been honest about how he felt from the start. He should have told Minho how his heart stuttered from the moment the word, Hi, left his mouth. He should have stopped hanging around him so often. He should have stepped back, the second he found out Minho had a boyfriend, but selfishly he didn't. Because having Minho around even as just a friend should have been enough. It should have.
It wasn't.
It isn't.
It never will be.
When Minho finally introduced him to Hyunjin, Seungmin's heart dropped straight through the floor.
Hyunjin, in his mind, is everything he will never be.
Hyunjin is the definition of beauty. He's beautiful in a way that feels unfair. No one should be allowed to be that pretty. Soft, yet striking features.
Hyunjin, is an artist. He sees things in the world Seungmin has never stopped to consider.
Hyunjin, is free. He does as he pleases, he dances like there's no one around watching, every movement fluid, a stream of power that flows through him.
Hyunjin loves boldly, with no ounce of hesitation. In ways Seungmin didn't know was possible.
How would Seungmin know how to love like that? His last relationship was catastrophic. His boyfriend had cheated on him, and didn't even have the decency to look him in the eye when Seungmin had asked why. Three years wasted on a boyfriend who cheated, who shrugged when Seungmin confronted him, who couldn't even bother with an apology. He asked if I was down and I was stressed from exams, so I just… Let it happen. That was all he got, after three years. A shrug and a pathetic excuse.
Seungmin had wanted to scream. To kick him out. Instead, he let himself drown in his hurt, he stayed, and in a broken whisper said Promise me you won't do it again.
He promised.
Then cheated again.
And again.
Each time it happened, Seungmin sobbed pathetically. He cried until his chest physically ached. He was stupid enough to let him stay after the first two people, but after the third person, he finally ended it. He was tired. Tired of being lied to, tired of crying himself to sleep, tired of a man who'd come to him, fuck him, then leave to fuck someone else. He was tired of feeling like he wasn't good enough. He was tired of feeling like he wasn't worth loving.
He promised himself, he'd never be that person.
The person someone cheats with.
He wouldn't cause someone else, the same pain.
Minho kept coming around, spending more and more time with him. Hyunjin's name appeared less and less in conversation. His heart split two ways. Wanting Minho, with a fire that he had no idea on how to contain and hating himself for it.
Minho is taken, he's in a relationship. But it doesn't stop Seungmin's mind from thinking about him. It doesn't stop the dreams that haunt him in his sleep.
The ones where Minho kisses him.
The ones where Minho's hands slip beneath his shirt, warm palms caressing his bare skin.
Where Minho's mouth kisses down his throat, nipping at the sensitive skin, leaving a trail of blooming bruises in his wake.
The one's where Minho's lips wrap around his cock, warm, and wet.
The dreams, where Minho fucks him, until his voice is raw.
The one's where Minho leans in, and whispers, I love you.
He wakes up flushed and achingly hard, leaking through his boxers. His cock begging for attention painfully until he gives in, and wraps his hand around it. Stroking slowly to the thought of Minho, until he spills onto his stomach with a low groan.
Until the shame sinks in.
He tries not to want him.
He tries so hard, to not think of him as anything more than a friend.
But trying not to want Minho, is like trying not to breathe.
Hyunjin's been back from his trip for a week now. Not much has changed, Minho still spends most of his time with him. They're best friends after-all. The biggest change, is that Hyunjin joins in on most of their hangouts. Seungmin doesn't mind. Hyunjin's kind. Seungmin likes him, he considers him a friend. Which makes things worse.
He considers Hyunjin a friend.
He wants his friends boyfriend to leave him.
He wants his friends boyfriend, to choose him.
It feels like an illness. A terrible disease, he has yet to find the cure to.
Tonight is no different. They sit together, him, Minho, Hyunjin… Hyunjin's going on about something that Seungmin can barely follow along to. He's only half paying attention to whatever story he's telling about some other model he met on set. He's too busy lost in the sea of thoughts. Thoughts of Minho's lips on his, his teeth grazing his bottom lip, his-
"Anyway," Hyunjin says, as he tilts his head. "Do you guys want to go or, should I just go on my own?"
Seungmin snaps out of his haze, blinking owlishly as Hyunjin.
"At what point did you tune out?" Hyunjin sighs dramatically,
"Sorry Hyune," Seungmin mutters, rubbing at his temples feigning a slight headache, "I zoned out somewhere after the sixth museum? I think."
"Do you hate me? Be honest." Hyunjin teases, his pretty eyes sparkling with playfulness.
He's joking. Seungmin knows he's joking. Yet it feels as though Hyunjin somehow sees right through him. Like he just knows everything Seungmin has been thinking about.
"Minhoo," Hyunjin whines, leaning into his boyfriends shoulder. "Seungminnie hates me!"
"He doesn't hate you Hyune," Minho laughs, it's like music to Seungmin's ears. "He's just tired. Three midterms this week, meanwhile you've been up and travelling the world for photo shoots. You know, some of us have to like… study, to get a job. We can't all be supermodels for a living!"
"I- I'm not a super model," Hyunjin's face burns red, Seungmin wishes it was him being praised.
"You literally just walked a runway show for Versace." Minho says softly, "I think you're still in the mindset that you're doing pictorials for local brands. Hyune, baby. You as a brand are growing, it's okay to admit that you're popular."
"I know I'm popular but!"
"But nothing, Versace, is your first like big gig, actually it's bigger than big, it's a huge gig, so like I'm sure you're about to be rolling in offers."
"Hey—" Hyunjin whines, a cute pout forming on his lips "This isn't about me or my brand! This is supposed to be about Minnie hating me!"
"He's stressed!" Minho laughs again, "He doesn't hate you!"
Stressed, is an understatement and none of it has anything to do with his next midterm.
☽──∘──⋆ ☼ ⋆──∘──☾
Stay with me, a little longer.
I will wait for you.
Shadows creep, and want grows stronger.
Deeper than the truth.
"Hyune asked if I wanted to go to his next photo shoot," Minho says casually, in a way that makes Seungmin think he's testing the water. Trying to see his reaction to the news.
Internally, Seungmin is screaming.
When Hyunjin leaves for photo shoots, it's often no more than a few days; but on the occasion he's gone for a month or two. It doesn't happen often, but each time Hyunjin does leave for one of his longer business trips, he comes back gushing about how much he wished Minho could have been there with him. This must be one of those trips.
"You gonna go?" Seungmin asks, forcing his voice to be steady.
"Don't have anything really to do that month," Minho says, leaning back in his chair, "I could probably get most of my lectures emailed to me so I keep up with shit, so I probably could swing it if there isn't any like any major exams I gotta do during that month."
"Whole month huh?"
"Well, it's two," Minho admits, "but I'd only go for one, maybe a bit less. I don't know yet, I'm still thinking about it."
Seungmin nods. "Well, do you wanna go?"
"I mean… yeah. I think it would be cool." Minho smiles softly, "I'd get to see whatever country he's going to this time, and meet some of his friends, plus it'd be really nice to see him in his element and stuff. you know?"
"Then do it," Seugmin prays that he sounds supportive, and not forced.
Minho turns to him with a grin that makes Seungmin's heart skip a beat. "You'd be lonely without me," he teases.
"I'd be fine"
"Really?" Minho pouts, "You'd really be fine without me for a whole month?"
"It's a month…" Seungmin sighs dramatically, playing along with Minho's antics even if it stings a bit. "It's not like you're up and moving."
Minho just stares back at him, blinking, the pout on his face still there. Seungmin wants to kiss it away. "What?" he says, a small smile playing on his face, "What? Do you want me to tell you I wouldn't be fine without you here? That I'd be so lonely without you in my space twenty four seven? That I'd sit around moping while you're off taking aesthetic pictures and living your best life in some foreign country?" Seungmin playfully roles his eyes.
"Yes, actually" Minho laughs, as he sits up straight "You're supposed to tell me I'm the highlight of your week, and that you'd never survive without me!"
"Agh, Lee Minho what am i going to do with you?" Seungmin groans, he lets out a laugh, but it feels tight in his throat. Like at any moment, he'll go from laughing to crying.
"Love me like always," Minho teases, "Don't worry though, I love you too".
Those words hang in the air long after Minho's gone.
When the door clicks shut, and silence floods the room. That's when the thoughts begin to creep back in. He tries his best to fight them off, but the thoughts are consuming, they devour him whole. They sink their teeth into the soft flesh of his brain, curling around each crevice. Whispering soft promises that he knows will never come true.
One day he'll mean it.
One day he'll mean what he said.
He doesn't want Minho to leave. Of course he doesn't. But asking him to stay would give everything away. It would be too much, too obvious, too desperate. So he doesn't ask him to stay. He pretends like it doesn't hurt that Minho will be going off to god knows where with Hyunjin, and pretends he's fine.
He tries, every day, he tries to stop the way his heart reaches for Minho. It's a losing battle, one he knows he's incapable of winning. You can't fight an enemy that has you surrounded, pinned down, and hopeless. It's in every laugh, every smile, every lingering touch that Minho doesn’t know he's doing, it's in every careless I love you, that isn't meant in the way Seungmin desperately wants it to be.
He knows Minho doesn't mean it, he does.
But his heart doesn't care. It still reaches out for him every time, even if he knows to expect nothing in return but disappointment.
Maybe the space will help.
Maybe the distance will help numb the heart ache that is a love unreciprocated.
He tells himself that, again and again and again.
But he knows it won't.
He knows it.
☽──∘──⋆ ☼ ⋆──∘──☾
I can't help but love you…
Even though I try not to.
I can't help but want you…
I know that I'd die without you…
"Hello?" Seungmin answers his phone.
"Can I come over?"
"Yeah."
Seungmin paces about his dorm, Minho was supposed to leave in an hour. He should have already been at the airport with Hyunjin. Clearly something isn't right. He's only able to panic for about ten minutes before a knock on the door makes him jump. He rushes to the door, opening it to find Minho standing there. He isn't holding bags, he doesn't look dressed for the airport. He just seems, panicked.
Before Seungmin can even open his mouth to ask what happened, Minho's lips are on his. Soft and warm. His hands snakes around his waist, while the other reaches up and to thread his fingers through Seungmin's soft hair. Gripping lightly, at both his body and head, as though letting go wasn't an option.
Minho deepens the kiss, letting out a soft groan as he pushes Seungmin back against the wall. He can't help it, the way he lets out a small gasp that's immediately swallowed down by Minho as their tongues meet. It's slow, and deep, that makes Seungmin feel like he's lighter than air.
Minho's hand slides from Seungmin's waist down, he squeezes his ass before pulling him closer. Seungmin can feel just how hard Minho is against him; he can't stop. He can't… The way he rolls his hips as he tries to find more friction. The grip in his hair tightens, Minho pulls his head to get a better angle. Minho kisses him, like he's the only thing he's ever wanted.
"Min- Minho- wait-" Seungmin stutters, his lips swollen and slick, his pants too tight, his head too light.
"Bedroom." Minho says, not giving Seungmin the chance to respond, he just pulls him in to another intense kiss. The next second, as if Seungmin just blinked, Minho is pushing him against the edge of his bed. He lets himself fall back onto it, pulling Minho down with him.
Minho hovers over him, holding himself up on his elbows, staring down at him with dark eyes. He leans down to press his lips against Seungmin's jaw, making his way down his throat. He nips at the skin, sucks until he's sure a mark will form, and soothes it with his tongue. Seungmin arches into the touch, his hands gripping at Minho's shirt.
"Please…" he whimpers desperately.
Minho sits back, and quickly pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it somewhere Seungmin can't see. Not when Minho's hands reach for his own shirt. How easily he submits should be studied. Letting Minho strip him of his shirt was easy, too easy.
Minho leans down again, their chests warm against one another. He kisses him again, hard and deep, his hands roaming over Seungmin's chest and stomach. His fingers find a nipple and he rolls it between his thumb and forefinger, pinching lightly until Seungmin gasps into his mouth.
His hand goes down, down, down, until he gets to the button of Seungmin's jeans. He pops it open, and drags the zipper down slowly, his knuckles brushing against the his length against the denim. Seungmin lifts his hips again, as Minho hooks his fingers into the waistband of his jeans and his boxers, pulling them both down his legs in one smooth motion. He tosses them aside, his eyes drinking in the sight of Seungmin, naked and hard beneath him.
He stands up to rid himself of his own pants and boxers, his cock springing free. He reaches into his discarded jeans pocket, pulling out a small bottle of lube and a foil packet. Seungmin wonders for a second where the those even came from, and if he'd had them the whole time. He drops them on the bed beside Seungmin before kneeling between his spread legs.
"You're so beautiful," Minho whispers. He slicks his fingers with lube and circles Seungmin's entrance with one slick finger, teasing him before slowly pressing inside. Seungmin lets out a choked moan, his hands clutching at the sheets. It's a slight burn, but it feels so much better than his own fingers.
Minho is patient, working him open with one finger, then two. He scissors them, stretching the tight ring of muscle. He crooks his fingers, searching, and when he finally finds that sweet spot inside him, Seungmin cries out, his back arching off the bed.
Minho takes his fingers out, and the sudden emptiness makes Seungmin whine. He rips open the condom with his teeth, rolling it onto his aching cock. He slicks himself up with more lube, then lines himself up with Seungmin's entrance. He presses in, just the head at first, letting Seungmin adjust to his size.
"Look at me," Minho says, his voice strained. Seungmin forces his eyes open. He watches as Minho pushes forward, sinking into him in one slow, steady thrust. He doesn't stop until he's fully flush against Seungmin's ass.
The feeling of being so full is overwhelming. Seungmin wraps his legs around Minho's waist, pulling him even deeper. Minho leans down, his forehead resting against Seungmin's, his breath coming in harsh pants.
"Move," Seungmin whispers. Minho starts to move, his thrusts slow and deep at first, before setting a brutal pace. "Fuck! Right there, right there," Seungmin screams, his nails digging into Minho's shoulders. Minho reaches between them, wrapping his hand around Seungmin's neglected cock. He strokes him in time with his thrusts. Seungmin can feel his orgasm building, a tight coil in his gut. "Minho, I'm gonna…" he chokes out.
"Come for me," Minho groans. "Come all over my hand."
Just as he's about to let go, a loud knock at the door startles him.
"You should answer that." Minho says. Seungmin stares up at him confused, everything around him falls away.
"Min-?"
The knock comes louder this time. "go," Minho smiles.
Seungmin's heart pounds against his chest. His eyes struggle to adjust to the light seeping in through the window. His skin is clammy, and his boxers are uncomfortably damp. Seungmin swears he can still feel Minho's touch.
Another knock, sharp and insistent, echoed from the front door.
"Seungmin! Are you up? We're gonna be late!"
It's unfair.
It's so fucking unfair.
Waking up cold, alone, empty and unsatisfied.
☽──∘──⋆ ☼ ⋆──∘──☾
"So." Changbin says as the two of them walk toward their usual coffee shop, shoving his hands deeper into the pockets of his hoodie. The early afternoon air is cold enough to sting at Seungmin's cheeks, but not enough to stop people from crowding the sidewalks.
"So?" Seungmin echoes, though he has somewhat of an idea of where this conversation may be going.
Changbin glances sideways at him. "You heard from Min since he left?" The curiosity in his tone is casual, but Seungmin still feels the ache in his chest.
"They're like sixteen hours behind us, so not really." Seungmin mutters. His eyes stay fixed ahead, watching as strangers pass by in blurred streaks of colour and movement. "Got a picture from Hyunjin's set though, like two days ago."
"Two days ago?" Changbin repeats.
Seungmin gives him a small nod. He'd expected that part. He did. He just didn't prepare himself for what the distance would actually feel like once Minho was gone. He wasn't prepared for the silence. The empty spaces where Minho usually existed so naturally. No more random calls in the middle of the night, no more dramatic banging on his door because Minho forgot his charger. No stupid messages every fifteen minutes. Just silence strecthed painfully thin across oceans and time zones.
The distance somehow only makes everything worse, because Seungmin misses him in every way that feels wrong, that feels greedy, and ugly. Missing Minho feels carnivourous, a monster that feasts on his insides as it tries to break out of him. It isn't enough to just miss his best friend anymore. His chest aches with something much deeper than that. It's sharp and consuming, that stabs him beneath his ribs every time he thinks too long about where Minho might be right now, what Minho might be doing.
Los Angeles.
Warm sun, blue skies, palm trees lining streets in a way that Seungmin has only ever seen in movies. Minho's probably loving it. Los Angeles feels unreal in Seungmin's mind. A city built for beautiful people like Hyunjin.
He's probably trailing after Hyunjin in massive museums and fancy galleries, pretending to complain while actually loving every second of it. Hyunjin probably drags him around excitedly pointing out paintings and sculptures with that bright and angelic look in his eyes that he always gets when he talks about art. Minho probably watches him with that soft expression he reserves exclusively for Hyunjin. That fond, and patient look. The one that tells anyone who looks at them, that he's so, incredibly, completely in love.
During the day, Minho probably sits on set while stylists and photographers swarm around Hyunjin. Watching him pose beneath expensive lighting. Beautiful in that efforless way that Hyunjin always looks. The way Seungmin doesn't think he'll ever understand how it's even possible.
Hyunjin belongs in places like that. In glossy magazines and luxury brands and runway shows with hundreds of flashing cameras. Hyunjin belongs under the spotlights, on red carpets, with all eyes on him and a cheering crowd and adoring fans.
Minho, belongs beside him.
And that thought makes Seungmin's heart sink.
At night, Hyunjin probably takes Minho to restaurants so expensive Seundmin wouldn't even be able to pronounce half the menu items. Places full of celebrity chefs and practiced smiles, where servers hover around tables waiting for the famous person to acknowledge them. Minho probably laughs in that loud, unrestrained way over glasses of overpriced wine while Hyunjin reaches across the table to steal food from his plate.
And later…
Later, Minho probably kisses him slowly, and softly. Like Hyunjin is something precious worth taking his time with. Not rushed hands and feverish, adrenaline filled desperation like the dreams Seungmin keeps having. Minho probably loves Hyunjin gently and carefully. A diety to be worshipped.
Making love feels too small of a phrase for it. Seungmin can picture it too easily. Minho tracing his hands over Hyunjin's skin like he's memorizing a piece of art. Kissing every inch of him with sweet tenderness. Telling him he loves him in that low voice that makes Seungmin's heart skip a beat every single time. He'd mean it too. He'd really mean it, when he says he loves Hyunjin.
"Maybe I read the situation wrong." Changbin mutters after a moment.
Only then does Seungmin realize he was completely zoned out. The sound of passing cars rushes back into focus. The chatter of people crowding the sidewalk. The sharp scent of coffee drifting from the cafe doors each time they open.
"What?" Seungmin asks.
Changbin shrus a shoulder, though he looks strangely hesitant. "Minho texted me last night."
Seungmin's stomach tightens.
"But," Changbin continues quickly, "I think I probably read the situtation wrong. If he didn't tell you about it then it's probably nothing."
The words settle wrong beneath Seungmins skin. It feels uneasy. Minho tells him everything. Everything. Every stupid thought that enters his head at three in the morning. Every argument he has with Hyunjin. Every restaurant review. Every complaint. Every embarassing story. Every random picture of stray cats he finds on the street. Seungmin knows things about Minho that no normal person should know, all because Minho never stops talking to him.
He used to never stop talking to him.
He loves talking to him…
Two days.
Two days without a real conversation, and now Seungmin finds out that Minho texted Changbin instead. About something apparently concerning enough for Changbin to bring it out, but not concerning enough for Minho to tell him. Seungmin feels oddly hollow, something is missing within him. Maybe this is what distance does. Maybe oceans don't just seperate people physically. The salty waters erode things too. Wearing connections down grain by grain until one day there's nothing left but silence.
Or maybe, Seungmin mistook his place in Minho's life.
It's cold.
It's venemous.
It's parasitic.
The thought is too easy to believe. The title of best friend feels fragile. If Minho really needed someone last night, shouldn't his first instinct have been to go to Seungmin? Unless Hyunjin was there.
Hyunjin is always there now.
He can picture it so easily. Minho curled up beside Hyunjin in some expensive villa in the Hollywood Hills, one Hyunjin's company probably set him up in. High above glowing Los Angeles lights. Warm sunlight spilling across white sheets. Hyunjin half asleep beside him while Minho quietly types out messages to Changbin with one hand, the other probably drawing shapes across Hyunjin's bare skin.
Close.
Intimate.
Loved.
Seungmin hates how vivid hhis imagination is. He forces himself to nod even if his neck stiffens. "Well," he says quietly. Shoving his hands deeper into the pockets of his coat, "If he didn't wanna tell me, that's his choice."
The words taste bitter. Changbin studied him for a second, as if he can see straight through his perfomance. Seungmin keeps his eyes fixed forwards anyway. If he looks too closely at the feeling in his chest, he's only looking to hurt himself. Like purposefully pressing down on a bruise until you flinch.
It's only been a week and a half since Minho followed Hyunjin all the way to America. Seungmin misses him. Minho hasn't really said much to him since he left, and Seungmin's been avoiding Changbin for three days since he found out that Minho went to Changbin instead of him. Maybe it's a bit childish. Maybe it's a bit unfair. Maybe he shouldn't isolate his friend just because he feels that sticky venom of jealousy flowing through his veins, but he can't help it.
☽──∘──⋆ ☼ ⋆──∘──☾
I can't help but be wrong in the dark
'Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts
I can't help but want oceans to part
'Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts.
It's raining when Seungmin hears the knock on his door. Rain taps gently against the dorm window beside his desk, slowly growing heavier as the storm begins. The grey light outside makes his entire room feel cold and pale. Changbin's at the gym, and Minho's still in America and isn't supposed to be home for another few weeks. Realistically, those are the only two people who'd ever be knocking at his door without giving him warning first.
Seungmin breathes out heavily through his nose, rubbing at tired eyes before pushing himself from his desk. He's annoyed at the interruption. Especially after spending the last three hours trying to force information into his brain that refuses to cooperate. Though, he's somewhat relieved. The dorm has been way too quiet lately.
No Minho sprawled across his bed asking what half the words in Seungmin's textbook mean. No dramatic whining every ten minutes about how boring Seungmin's lectures sound. No sudden grabbing at Seungmin's arm with an agressive, "Wait! Explain it again!" and Seungmin would always do just that. Even when Minho stared back at him with that terribly confused expression that made him look like he'd mentally checked out, and left the planet half way through the explanation. Without him, the silence eats away at Seungmin. It feels like something absolutely essential has been ripped out of his life.
Another knock startles Seungmin from his thoughts. He drags himself towards the door slowly, running a hand through his hair before unlocking it. The second he opens it, every thought comes to a harsh stop. Minho stands there, soaked from the rain. He's completely drenched. Dark hair plastered to his forhead, his hoodie clinging to his body as water drips from his sleeves onto the hallway floor. The yellow lighting only makes him look worse. He looks pale, and exhausted.
"Min?" Seungmin whispers.
Minho doesn't answer. He just brushes past Seungmin, his shoulder knocking lightly against his as he walks into the dorm like a ghost. He heads straight for Seungmin's bed before collapsing onto it with a long, tired sigh. It doesn't make sense. Minho shouldn't even be here. He should still be in Los Angeles with Hyunjin for another few weeks. Out in the warm California sun instead of standing drenched in freezing rain halfway across the world. He should be following Hyunjin around museums and expensive stores and spending time with him.
He should be smiling.
He should be laughing.
He should be happy.
Instead he looks like someone carved the life from him and left behind only small scraps of him.
Minho reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. His movements are sluggish, and without thought. He unlocks it, swipes through a few things then holds it out towards Seungmin without a word.
"What do you see in this picture?"
Seungmin steps closer slowly, taking the phone from his hand. The brightness of the screen reflects across his face as he squints down at the picture. Hyunjin stands near the center of the frame, smiling brightly beside another man that Seungmin very vaguely recognizes from something. One of Hyunjin's model friends, for sure.
Yang Jeongin. That one. The one Hyunjin has mentioned a few times.
Jeongin's laughing hard at something Hyunjin must have said, his dimples pressed deep into his cheeks, eyes nearly disappearing from how hard he's smiling. Hyunjin, looks beautiful beside him. He looks comfortable and happy.
"Isn't that Hyunjin's model friend?" Seungmin asks quietly, still somewhat struggling to understand. "Jeongin?"
"What do you see in this picture, Seungmin." Minho asks again.
His voice sounds a bit thinner, much more fragile. Seungmin's brows knit together as he looks back down at the picture again. At first, nothing seems wrong. Hyunjin and Jeongin just look like they're having fun together until Seungmin notices someone standing slightly off to the side. His fingers pinch against the screen, and once he zooms in he realizes it's Minho.
He's standing right beside Hyunjin, but somehow he looks completely detached from the moment unfolding around him. His expression is blank, and incredibly distant. Like his body is physically there but everything else about him is somewhere else completely.
A ghost accidentally caught on camera.
"You don't look very happy," Seungmin mutters.
Minho pulls the phone back instantly, locking it before shoving it into his pocket again as if he doesn't want to look at the image any longer than he needs to. Seungmin stares at him, still completely unsure of what's going on.
"Minho," he says slowly. "What's going on? Why are you back so early?"
Minho leans forward slightly, his elbows resting against his knees. His hands clasp together tightly enough that his knucles go white.
"I left Hyunjin." Minho says dryly.
Seungmin's eyes widen. "What?"
"I left, Hyunjin." Minho repeats, his voice flat and exhausted.
The room feels like it's closing in on Seungmin. Rain pours harder against the window. Seungmin can hear his own heartbeat thudding heavily in his ears.
"What do you mean you left Hyunjin?" Seungmin asks quickly. "Minho, what happened?"
Minho closes his eyes for a moment. Seungmin watches the way his throat moves when he swallows. The way his fingers twitch restlessly against each other like he doesn't know what to do with himself.
"When I saw that picture," Minho says quietly, "I realized something." His eyes lift to meet Seungmin's. "I didn't look happy." He lets out a soft, humourless laugh. "I look bored. Completely checked out." He rubs a hand down his face. "And it's not like Hyunjin or Jeongin were excluding me or anything. They weren't doing anything wrong."
Seungmin hesitates. "Did… Jeongin try to make a move on Hyunjin or something?"
Minho shakes his head immedaitely. "Nope." Another weak laugh leaves him. "Honestly , it probably would have been easier if he did."
Something twists in Seungmins chest.
Minho stares down at his hands again. "Jeongin's really nice actually," he says softly. "I don't think he'd ever make a move on Jinnie while he was in a relationship."
"Minho."
"But maybe Hyunjin's curled up beside him right now." Minho continues quietly, like Seungmin hasn't even spoken. "Telling him all about how much of an asshole I am for ending our relationship over dinner and getting on the next flight home." Rainwater still drops slowly from the ends of his hair. Minho lets out another tired sigh. "And you know what the worst part is?" he asks softly. "I'm not even upset that we broke up."
Minho looks back up at Seungmin. There's something unreadable in his eyes but it makes Seungmin nervous.
"I think it shocked him," Minho says. "Honestly, it shocked me too." His laugh is weak, hollow in all ways. "I didn't even realize I was unhappy. I thought I loved him."
Seungmin just stares. Nothing about this feels real. His brain keeps trying to reject the conversation entirely, like he might wake up from a dream like he did last time. sweaty, and aching, and devastated and alone. None of this makes sense. Minho and Hyunjin were happy.
For as long as Seungmin has known them, they've always looked like a solid couple. Effortlessly perfect for one another. Hyunjin was clingy and affectionate in way that typically would annoy people, but Minho always leaned into it naturally. He'd let Hyunjin drape himself all over him without a single complaint, always smiling softly whenever Hyunjin got dramatic. They barely ever fought too. At least.. Not that Seungmin ever saw, or heard. Minho tells him everything… right?
If there were issues in the relationship, Seungmin would have known about them. He's sure of it.
"You…" Seungmin tries, but his voice catches in his throat. "You broke up with him?"
"Yeah," Minho breathes out something between a sigh and a tired laugh. "Yeah I did."
"What the fuck Minho," Seungmin says, completely shocked. "Why?"
Minho stands and turns away from him, he paces to the rain streaked window and looks out it for a minute before speaking again.
"Because we barely have anything in common anymore," he says. "He's always gone and normally that's okay. I can handle distance. We still texted and still called, we still facetimed all the time but…" He shakes his head. "There's a point where it stops feeling like a relationship and starts feeling like you're trying to save something that's already dead." Minho sighs. "They want to move him out to LA permanently."
Seungmin's eyes widen. Hyunjin had mentioned wanting that someday before, but hearing it now feels different.
"I don't think I could do that," Minho admits. "Not long term."
"You could've figured something out…" Seungmin says quietly.
"Sure. Maybe." Minho laughs again, "But then I saw him with his friends. With Jeongin."
Jeongin's name comes out a bit sharply, and Seungmin doesn't know if Minho intended for that. Minho leans back against the wall beside the window, rainwater and city lights filter through giving him a slight glow.
"They fit together better." he says. "Jeongin already lives there. They understand each other's schedules. Their lives actually move in the same direction." His jaw tightens slightly. "Watching them together felt like watching someone slowly realize they've been standing in the wrong place for years."
"Minho, that's a stupid fucking reason."
Minho pushes himself off the wall, and starts pacing again. Long restless circles around Seungmin's dorm room like he can'tsit still anymore.
"That's only part of the reason," he says.
Minho stops directly in front of him. Close enough that Seungmin can smell the rainwater and whatever cologne still clings to his skin after being washed away by the storm. Seungmin blinks up at him silently.
"Hyunjin already knew most of it," Minho whispers. "He's known for a while actually."
A horrible feeling floods Seungmin's lungs. Like cold, salty, sea water fills them.
"He should have left me for it," Minho says softly. "But he didn't."
Minho lifts his hand carefully toward Seungmin's face. His fingertips brush lightly against Seungmin's cheek. They're warm, despite the rain. The touch makes Seungmin's entire body tense.
"Min…" Seungmin steps back, "I don't understand what you're saying."
Minho steps closer.
"Seungmin." he says, his voice low. "Do you want to know how the conversation between Hyunjin and I went?"
Seungmin doesn't answer. He doesn't know how to answer. part of him wants to know. the other, knows its none of his business. Minho's eyes never leave his, and Seungmin can't stand it.
"After I said, that I think we should break up." Minho whispers, "He told me to come back home to you."
"W-What…"
"He told me, he knew." Minho says, "About how I felt about you."
The room suddenly feels void of oxygen.
"He wasn't angry." Minho says. "Honestly, I think he was more upset about the timing than anything else."
Seungmin can barely think. Rain pounds heavily against the window, like waves crashing against glass.
"And then," Minho whispers, "I got on the next flight home." Minho grabs at Seungmin's wrist lightly, pulling him gently forward. "Because he was right, I just wanted to come home to you."
"Minho…"
Minho pulls Seungmin in, their faces centimeters apart.
"You feel like home, Seungmin." He whispers, "And I couldn't ignore that anymore."
Minho leans in, the kiss is soft.
It feels like heaven.
It feels like damnation.
Soft lips, and warm breaths. Minho holds him close, slipping his hands around Seungmin's waist. Seungmin feels like the air has left his lungs. His hands find Minho's shoulders, gripping onto them like he might fall if he doesn't hold on. Everything feels like it's fading away, all he notices is how their mouths meet, and the head of Minho's palms spressing into his back, pulling him closer.
When they break apart, Minho doesn't go far. His forhead rests against Seungmin's. "I'm sorry." he whispers, "I wanted to do that.. I should have asked."
Seungmin's heart beats heavily against his ribs, it's frantic all while his brain is still confused. He should say something, anything, but he doesn't trust himself. He doesn't trust that they won't come out clumsily, he doesn't trust that his words will come out right at all.
He tilts his chin up, chasing Minho's mouth again. The kiss is different. It's deeper, and hungrier. Minho makes a sound in his throat, it sounds almost relieved. Seungmin feels it vibrate through him. The hands around him tighten, fingers digging in desperately.
Minho doesn't break the kiss when he starts guiding Seungmin backward through the room. One slow step at a time until the back of Seungmin's knees hit the edge of the bed. Seungmin stumbles slightly before falling backward onto the matress with a startled breath. The sheets are cold and damp beneath him.
Minho's clothes are still soaked from the rain. Water seeps into the blankets beneath where he climbs over Seungmin, the cold spreading through the bed in uneven patches. Seungmin shivers slightly beneath him, though he can't tell if it's from the cold or from the way Minho is looking at him.
Seungmin's hands slide shakily down Minho's chest. Damp fabric clings to warm skin beneath his palms. His fingers curl around the hem of Minho's sweater carefully, hesitating for a second before he tugs it up. Minho breaks the kiss just enough to let Seungmin pull it over his head.
The sweater lands somewhere on the floor with a wet sound. Seungmin stares for a long moment. Minho's skin is warm despite the rain, droplets still cling to his collarbones and the soft curve of his shoulders. His hair falls messily into his eyes. He looks like he's slowly coming undone and completely beautiful.
Seungmin has imagined this so many times.
Late at night, while he's tangled in his sheets with his hands shoved under the waistband of his boxers. He'd imagined Minho above him in every possible way his mind could come up with yet none of the fantasies compare to the reality of it all now.
Minho notices the way Seungmin is staring and lets out a small laugh. His hand slides up beneath Seungmin's shirt, his warm palm against his stomach. "You okay?" he whispers.
"No… Yes… I—" Seungmin says, "I don't know."
Minho's face softens into a fond look. He leans down and kisses Seungmin again slowly, trying his best to calm him down. Seungmin melts beneath him embarassibly easily. His hands slide up Minho's bare sides, fingertips tracing the warm skin. Every touch feels more and more electric.
Minho kisses him deeply, it's patient and consuming. Seungmin swears he can taste rainwater and coffee on his tongue. His head spins from it, it spins from him. The weight of Minho pressing him into the mattress feels suffocating in the best possible way. Minho's hand slips higher beneath Seungmin's shirt, fingertips brushing over bare skin inch by inch until Seungmin's breath catches sharply in his throat.
"So sensitive…" Minho mutters softly against his mouth.
The words send heat rushing violently through Seungmin's body.
Months… Months of dreaming about this, of wanting it so badly that it felt poisonous. Minho is here, now. Kissing him while rain crashes against the window.
Seungmin arches into the touch, helpless to the shivers that run down his spine. Minho's palm is warm, and slightly calloused. It feels like a brand against his skin, marking him, claiming him— but he wants more.
"Minho," he gasps. Minho pulls back just enough to look at him. His eyes are dark, blown wide with want but there's still something tender in them. It make's Seungmin's heart squeeze with how much he loves him, for how long he's loved him in silence.
"I've got you." Minho says, his voice is steady but his hands tremble slightly against Seungmin's ribs. "Let me take care of you."
Seungmin nods, fingers threading through Minho's hair, pulling him back down. This time when they kiss it's slower like Minho is trying to learn him. Like he's trying to memorize every sound and shiver he's able to draw out. Minho's thigh slots between his, and Seungmin groans. The friction sends sparks through his veins. He's burning up, unraveling, and Minho is the only thing keeping him grounded to reality.
"Please," Seungmin whispers. He doesn't even know what he's asking for, he just needs more. He needs Minho.
Minho understands it though.
"Yeah," he breathes, pressing a kiss to Seungmin's jaw, and down his throat. "Yeah, I've got you. I'm not going anywhere."
Minho is slow when he undresses Seungmin. He takes his time, just as Seungmin imagined he would. Like he's worshipping every inch of him. Minho's hands slide down Seungmin's body, slowly he brings Seungmin's jeans down leaving him bare beneath him.
A sudden wave of shyness hits Seungmin.
"Look at you," Minho says. "You're beautiful."
Seungmin's face burns, the flush spreading down his neck and chest. He wants to cover himself to hide from the way Minho's looking at him. His hands are on him, they're gentle and tracing over the curve of his hip, the line of his thigh… Like he's touching something precious.
"Don't," Minho whispers as he catches Seungmin's wrist before he can hide behind his hands. He brings Seungmin's hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. "Don't hide from me…"
Seungmin swallows hard. Minho is looking at him like he's never seen anything more beautiful, like he's starving for the sight of him. Slowly, Seungmin lets his hand fall back to the sheets. Minho makes a soft, wrecked sound and leans down, pressing open mouthed kisses to Seungmin's collarbone. Each touch feels like a promise.
"Perfect," Minho whispers, "You're perfect Seungmin."
Seungmin reaches up, tangling his fingers in Minho's hair, pulling him closer.
"Minho.." He breathes, "I need you… Please."
Minho's mouth finds his again, and Seungmin opens for him. The kiss deepens as Minho settles his weight a bit better. It draws a sharp gasp from Seungmin's throat. He can feel Minho hard against his hip and the knowledge that he does this, that he affects Minho like this, sends another rush of heat straight through him. Minho gets up and sheds the rest of his clothes.
Minho is breathtaking. It feels impossible to look away. Seungmin reaches for him before he can even think about it. His fingertips brush carefully over Minho's waist. Minho shivers beneath the touch.
"You're staring." Minho says.
"Can you blame me?"
Minho settles overtop of him again. "Tell me if it's too much." Minho says, before reaching between them, wrapping his hand around both of them. Seungmin's head falls back, a broken moan escapes him.
"It's not… it's good… Minho.. don't stop—"
He doesn't. He sets a slow pace, his grip is firm and slick with the precum gathering at their tips. Seungmin's hips buck upward, seeking more friction. The slide of Minhos hand, the heat of his palm, the way he watches Seungmin's face like he's memorizing every expression is a bit overwhelming.
"Look at me," Minho commands. Seungmin forces his eyes open, "Stay with me seungmin."
"Always," Seungmin chokes out, reaching down to wrap his own hand around Minho's, he tightens the grip— showing him what he needs.
They move together, the rhytm is still slow, but it builds in a way Seungmin likes. Minho's free hand roams over Seungmin's chest, pinching a nipple just hard enough to make him cry out, it slides down his stomach, lower, lower, lower.
"Can I?" Minho asks, his voice is strained like he's holding himself back.
Seungmin nods frantically, spreading his legs wider. "Please…"
Minho groans, it's a gutteral sound. "Lube?"
"Nightstand."
Minho reaches into the small opening of the nightstand. Seungmin watches him pour it over his fingers, he watches the way Minho's hands shake slightly.
The first finger is careful, and gentle. He circles it and presses in until Seungmin relaxes, until Seungmin is pushing back against the intrusion. Minho watches his face, reading every twitch and gast, adjusting his angle each time.
"Oh… fuck." Seungmin's back arches off the matress.
"There?" Minho asks, though he already knows. He crooks his finger again, and Seungmin whines high and desperate, his hands fisting the sheets.
"Minho please… I can't— I need you.."
Minho adds a second finger, stretching him open. He scissors his fingers until Seungmin is trembling beneath him, slick with sweat and panting. By the time Minho slicks himself with more lube and positions himself at Seungmin's entrance, Seungmin is nearly sobbing with need.
"Easy," Minho whispers, guiding himself in with a slow push. "I've got you. Relax, let me in…"
The stretch burns, but it feels amazing. Seungmin forces himself to breathe, and to let him in. Minho pauses when he's fully inside. His forehead dropping to Seungmin's shoulder, his whole body shaking with effort from holding still.
"Move," Seungmin begs, wrapping his legs around Minho's waist, pulling him deeper. "Please.. Minho move…"
Minho pulls back and thrusts forward, he starts with a slow, and deep rhythm. Each stroke dragging across that spot inside Seungmin that makes his vision blur. The room fills with wet skin slapping, and breathless moans. Minho's name falls from Seungmin's lips like a prayer.
"So good," Minho groans, his hips snapping harder, losing his careful rhythm as pleasure takes over. "You feel… Seungmin you feel amazing."
Seungmin reaches between them, wrapping his hand around himself, matching Minho's pace. The sensation of Minho filling him. Heat builds in his stomach, but the look of complete devotion on Minho's face pushes him rapidly into the deep end.
"Close," he gasps, his heels digging into Minho's back. "Min… I'm so close.."
Minho changes his angle, driving into him with brutal strokes that hit that spot every time and Seungmin shatters. His orgasm crashes over him like a tidal wave. Cum paints his stomach as his body tightens around Minho, pushing him to his own climax.
Minho buries his face in Seungmin's neck. Groaning long and low as he spills inside him. The warmth spreads inside him, it feels intimate. Like he's claiming him. They stay like that for a while, breathing hard, Minho's weight feels comforting and Seungmin doesn't want it to end.
"I love you," Minho whispers against his skin. Pressing kisses to his neck again. "I've loved you for so long…"
Seungmin runs his fingers through Minho's hair, holding him close.
"I love you too," Seungmin whispers back. "I have for a long time too…"
Minho's head springs up, a wide smile spread across his face.
"I love you, Seungmin." he says again, before peppering his face with soft kisses.