Chapter Text
Maybe in the silence I learned to love you the loudest. Maybe only when I could hear my own echo bounce off the empty walls of those caverns, only then I could acknowledge and accept my feelings. Welcome them as one the way you came into my heart aswell. Your seat is still all yours. I can't cease the trip I take around your own heart, taking turn after turn voluntarily, albeit never really reaching it. I loved you in the only way I knew how. Through fear, through wounding you, through contradicting every promise I prayed in your awake. I thought that if I believed hard enough, if I wanted it hard enough, I could make it be. But the truth proved to be way crueler than I imagined.
I fell for you. Despite everything, I still love.
And I think that's the only gift I can offer you, even with our distance.
I can not stop loving you. It was never about want. It was never the routine we had. I'm missing you. The real person enclosed somewhere behind bars, kept away safe from me. As you should.
I still use your phrases in everyday conversations. J, I made a friend for a while now. I won't say her name for privacy reasons, but I'll call her A. A is awesome. Younger than me, but I don't think that matters. She thinks it does.
She's literally just an Izuku cosplayer who found the use in messaging me and furthermore becoming friends. But I want to tell you, that when I introduced myself to her, I introduced myself as someone shaped by you.
There isn't a day where she doesn't hear about you.
I find myself missing you even while distracted now. Which hasn't quite happened before. I could be playing a literal horror game and I get reminded only because something in that dark is shining.
It's the little things like these that make me unable to move on. Unable to forget, unable to forgive what I've done. I don't think I'll ever be able to. My heart is yours.
Loving you taught me beauty doesn't just exist. It doesn't spawn randomly out of the blue. And it's not created either. It comes along the path. Like growing as a person or finally overcoming something big. Like the warm sea lapping at the shore late after noon.
You showed me that love doesn't have bounds. It is not limited, and it doesn't come with a price either. Not with a label. It just forms. Builds itself into a mass until it's rooted deep enough for you to never be able to rip it away. Kind of like weeds, except you weren't a weed. You will never be one.
In my eyes, you're still a sunflower.
I am not writing this because I am fed up waiting. The art of waiting is beautiful. It's a pain I could sit with over and over again, if it's waiting for you. In fact, I'm not quite sure why I even began writing this, but one thing is clear; I had enough of keeping these feelings tamed.
I want to let them bloom. To reach their destination to my special person. Keeping them locked away to fester over new ones, it just makes me tether more on what we had. Who we were, and what we made.
You've accomplished a version of me that is no longer just a version. This is my reality, and you changed me. And all I can say is that you changed me to the better.
Maybe it's people like these in your life that just pass over their own path after ultimately healing you. After everything, even with your own fears trickling through, you still managed to find love for me. And I loved you in return, not as a bill paid, but for being the one to sit with me at the same table.
For being you.
You truly are beautiful, J. Loving you is an honour. I don't think I'll ever get sick of the feeling, even if we part ways and grow without each other.
I don't want to say goodbye.
If that makes me selfish, then so be it. I want to love you right. I want to be your person. And I want to show you that your fear shouldn't cloud the options laid upon you. I want a lot of things to do with you. I could go on and on, but does it really matter if we're on the brink of leaving?
Well, I sure do hope we're not. That's what I think, though. I know you told me you will return. And I will wait. But waiting poisons you over time. It tricks you into thinking less of what you've been told. Or maybe it just shows you the jagged side of the sword about to slice through your heart. Whichever you think it is, I agree with you.
My love was tumultuous. It was explosive. Violent. But I also got to meet it as soft, when the distance built the bridge instead of us. It was kind. It was loving you and STILL accepting we might not make it back together. It was learning that in the cracks that form, sometimes light can shine through even as shade often occupies that sunlit spot.That cracks aren't automatically something bad.
That sentence was something you told me. I still remember. The longer I think about you, the memories come back. I cannot force them invisible, or stuff them into whatever blank space my mind has. I just feel.
I changed the way I feel certain things for you. You showed me a different side of that same path we've encountered so many times. The analogy with the path makes me sick sometimes.
I didn't love you right when I had the chance, I'm not gonna pretend I did. But it was the realest love I have ever got to give. It was real and it was ours and that was enough because back then, none of us knew what we were doing. Just trying things out, stragers in the same boat.
But that boat has long since been turned into a ship. And I use that ship to sail across your seas daily, even if you're on the shore now. Not purposefully close to the water, but on the sand, to feel something else than just— water. To distinguish the sand sticking to the skin.
But it was because of water the sand clung in the first place.
Make of that what you will. My heart is yours. Benevolent and sacred, fated or not I cannot believe in false truth. I love you.
I wish to ammend myself to you if the time comes. I still want a future where you're in it.
I am sorry for failing you as a friend, girlfriend, and person all together. May the hurt I've caused you leave you be. I hope I'm not as haunting as I think I am. But, gaunt as it is, it is impossible to think otherwise.
This is the end of this letter. Don't call. I wait for your return. Whenever you feel ready, sweetheart. (last time I'm calling you that). If you ever feel like you need a little chatter buddy, I'm still here, able. If you still want to talk with someone like me. Not necessarily about us but just life. I am happy with being a pebble in your path if that means I get to watch as you grow further. If this is the end, though I don't fully believe myself because you told me yourself that you will return, I just want you to know that kindness is a person. And that person is you.
I wish you the best, don't ever hesitate in doing what you love or believe in. This is not goodbye, or at least doesn't have to be. But this way of giving you love makes it feel like it is. At least from my perspective.
Dearest apologies for yapping. If I tell A I wrote to you again she's gonna crash out, lol. She's like the mini version of you, too.
Have a goodnight/good morning, J. You are written in the spaces never reached by man.
Yours, Diana. And Dion. I love you so much.