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“Why are there so many coffee shop fanfictions? Why can’t there be a barbecue fanfiction? Like, the characters meet and fall in love at a barbecue!”
~A quote from my sister
Captain Ryan stood on the TV, poised before the remains of a smoking planet with satisfaction. “I have done well for myself,” he announced. “But, Sir,” interrupted the Side Kick. “Look- your little brother’s here!” “What?!” sputtered the captain, turning around. Sure enough, the Captain’s brother, who looked very much like him only he had a bigger chin, was walking across the remains of the planet. “Ryan!” his brother called out. “You think your destruction of this planet means something? Well I blew up a whole parallel universe-- and they had achieved world peace!!” “Dang it!” swore the Captain, stamping his foot like a spoiled child. “Why does he have to outdo me on these kinds of things?!!”
“Wow,” beamed Leo. “What a hero.”
***
It has come to my attention that there are WAY too many coffee shop fanfictions. Even I myself have fallen into the trap without a second thought. I was sitting in my secluded room, giving this way more thought than the subject deserved, and pondering what it is about coffee shops that appeals to fanfiction writers. I came to the conclusion that people who write fanfictions are often young people-- like myself. These young people are attracted to coffee shops, because they are popular with people dumb enough to waste their money on expensive drinks, like I did today. They’re also popular because you can meet up with friends there. I’m a loser, so I’ve never done that, but I still understand the appeal.
That being said, I’m going to break this tradition and do what my sister suggested and write a barbecue fanfiction. I mean, I like barbecues better than coffee shops anyway. Barbecues have a lot of neat people I can talk to, although there was this funny guy at a coffee shop who told my sister she was a Slytherin, while I’m in Gryffindor. He was only partly accurate. I don’t know what house she’s in, but it’s not Slytherin, even though this story makes it look like that’s what it is. So, let’s do this! Let’s see if we can make a barbecue just as romantic as a coffee shop. Just so you know, it takes place after the world-wide mutation that I reference in so many stories. Donnie and April are married, and so are Mikey and Natsuki. Raph and Arizona are dating, and Karai and Leo are engaged. However, Casey and Sarah Lily haven’t met yet. I know, it’s all whacko, but these are one-shots and I can do whatever I want.
***
“I want the barbecue to be perfect,” April told Raph on the phone.
“Why?” asked Raph grumpily, using a giant back-scratcher he’d purchased at Dump A Dollar to scratch an itch under his shell. “And why have you been calling me a lot lately, sista? Why are you so concerned about this barbecue?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“I hate surprises.”
“Well, I’ll tell you a bit of the reason it’s so important. I’m bringing an old school friend of mine named Sarah Lily, and I want to introduce her to Casey. He’s getting a little desperate for a girl, and it doesn’t look good on him. I’m hoping maybe they can hit it off.”
“And what does that have to do with me?”
“You’re providing and cooking all the meat. Raph, what kind of meat are you going to use?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“What?!” she cried. “You have to figure this out!!”
He was getting impatient. “Look, sista, I’ve got it under control, okay? I’ll figure something out. Now bye, and don’t call me back. I don’t want to talk to you. In fact, I hate talking on the phone period. I’m not sure why I answered at all.” With that, he hung up.
“Raph!” called a sweaty Leo from the back yard, tapping on his window. “Can you help me? I’m trying to lay a tarp on the yard. We need to celebrate having a house with dirt in the backyard, and it cost a lot of money.”
“Why do we need a tarp?” grunted Raph, digging the back scratcher in deeper.
“Because the bark yard’s just dirt right now and we haven’t planted grass yet.” He mopped his sweaty brow.
“So?”
“So-- when we have the barbecue, I don’t want people to have to walk around on just dirt!! A tarp’s better.”
“This is ending up being a really cheap barbecue. No grass or anything.”
“Raph, we’re doing the best we can in the middle of New York. Now get out here and help me.”
“No.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m making all the food. That’s a lot of work, and I shouldn’t have to do anymore.” The back scratcher snapped, and he began to squirm in an attempt to get it out of his shell.
Leo had the patience of a saint, but Raph could drive anyone crazy. “Well- then go GET the food and start preparing it!!” he ordered, stamping his feet. “Get out!! Go on-- MOVE IT!!”
He was so forceful and looked so angry, that Raph slunk out of the house. He got on a motorcycle he’d recently purchased and drove to SmartMart, moodily cutting cars off. But when he got to the meat section of the store, none of them looked quite right. Yeah, there was chicken, beef, pork, and all the usuals, but Raph’s mouth watered for something better.
“I don’t know what I want,” he muttered, staring at the red rolls of mediocre options. “Just something… juicier. Maybe Bartering Bart’s has something better.”
But when Raph got back on his motorcycle and was about to drive off, he was approached by a very strange parsonage. With a shuffling of big feet and a ruffling of big yellow feathers, a giant mutant bird was right in front of him, glaring at him with its beady black eyes. For a minute, he thought that he was seeing a ghost.
“AHHH!!!!!!” he cried, whitening in fear. “BIG BOID!!!!!!!”
“No,” disagreed the bird, shaking its great feathered head and snapping its orange beak. “Big Boid was my father and [Your name here] was my mother. You ate my father, and you put my mother in jail!!”
“Your mother went to jail for trying to eat me when it was made illegal!!” he sputtered. “And I ate your father before it was illegal, and only because he tried to eat me first!!! And I should have known you’re not him, because you’re even fatter than he was, and that’s saying a lot, chunky!”
It was true. This bird’s fat was so humongous that he looked like a giant float used in some crazy parade. He was beyond obese.
“I’m here for revenge,” said the bird. “My name is Crusty; you killed my father, prepare to die.”
“That was SO many years ago? Can’t we just let it go?!”
“NO!!!” screeched the fowl angrily. “I’m going to EAT you, Raphael!!!!!”
Swearing, Raph cranked on his motorcycle and sped off down the road. The feathered monster hollered at him to stop, but he was far too fat and slow to follow. Raph got away, panting, and ran to his room. He was feeling very shaken up from that experience, and needed a whole tub of soda to calm him down. When he was feeling better, he heard Leo call, “I’m going to the store to buy more tarp! See ya!” So he was left all alone.
There was a tap on the door.
“Go away!!” called Raph, slurping on his soda and trying to get the back scratcher out. “No one’s home.”
Tap tap…
“Fine, I’m getting it,” he opened the door, spat out his soda, and tried to close it, but Crusty stuck out a bloated yellow wing and forced his way in.
“Look,” he complained, trying to back away. “I don’t want to have to kill you. I really don’t.”
“But I want to kill you, turtle!!!!!!” screeched the bird, racing at him with his sharp claws and snapping beak bared.
That was one of the worst fights Raph could remember, but he was much more of an experienced fighter than he’d been all those years ago. So furiously did they fight, that he said it was like two gods-- one of them a very fat god. Well, Raph was doing pretty well, but Crusty was also holding his own.
“Ha ha, turtle!!!!!” laughed Crusty. “Mwa ha ha!!!! You’re going DOWN!!!!!!!!!!! My name is Crusty Boid; you killed my father, prepare to die!!!!!”
“Wait…” Raph remembered something much more pressing. “Oh no! MY PIE!!”
A little while before the fight had broken out, Raph had been baking a large blueberry pie in their oven. He figured that he should get dessert out of the way while he thought about the main course. He rushed over towards the oven and threw the door of it open with a BANG.
“Oh thank the pie gods,” he sighed in relief. “It’s not burned.”
Crusty screeched and rushed over to his turtle nemesis with lightning speed. There was some canola oil on the counter, and one of Crusty’s tent-like wings knocked it over, spilling the liquid on the tile floor. The bird slipped towards Raph, who quickly snatched the pie out of the oven protectively and moved away. The rippling fat head of the mutant creature smashed into the open, searing oven. Crusty screamed like a witch thrown in hot oil, which he kinda was. The canola oil on his feet connected with the searing heat of the oven, and Crusty caught fire.
Crusty was flailing about, flicking hot oil everywhere. Not wanting his whole house to burn down, Raph ended his life quickly. With a single fling on his arm the turtle slapped the door of the oven shut, snapping the bird’s neck. He then thought of using a fire extinguisher to take care of the fire. There was an eerie silence after all the sinful deeds were done.
Raph was shocked. This wasn’t what he’d wanted, and he felt disgusted. “I can never be rid of this Boid family,” he groaned, feeling sick. But the longer he stared at the bird, the more his shock wore off and he began to recall fond and sweet memories of a time when he’d feasted on the best barbecue of his life…
***
The day of the barbecue had come, and it was bright and sunny. The tarp had been laid out, and all the attendees were present. Master Splinter was the only one of the family who was absent, for he was visiting Japan. Thus, all the people present were Leo, Raph, Donnie, Mikey, Karai, Arizona, April, Natsuki-- and Sarah Lily. She was a small, slender, blonde thing with a pair of bright yellow wings. No, she wasn’t related to Big Boid, [Your name here], Crusty, or any atrocious member of that family, but Raph still privately thought that her wings would make a nice boa, although here meat would be stringy.
“Hello, Raph,” greeted April, who was looking tired. “Did you find a meat?”
“Of course I found meat,” huffed Raph, who was wearing a large white apron. “Did you think I’d leave a barbecue hanging? Whatever.”
He was standing beside a large grill, where he was roasting meat patties. They smelled absolutely delicious, far superior to any of the already delicious food present. Raph had outdone himself by providing more food than ever dreamed. However, the patties were the BEST.
“Hmm, something smells delicious,” commented Karai, sniffing the air eagerly. “Can I have one of those burgers, Raph?”
Using a pair of metal tongues, he lifted a sizzling, toasty patty onto a smooth white bun, placed it on a plate, and handed it to her. She beamed and put toppings on it, and when she bit into the succulent, juicy flesh, she swore she’d never tasted anything better in her entire life. After that, everybody got them.
“Raph, this is WONDERFUL,” complimented Leo.
“I love this so much, I love this so much, I love this so much,” muttered Donnie, eyes closed in enjoyment.
“Dude, best food EVER!!!!!” exclaimed Mikey, stuffing half the burger in his mouth in one bite. “Gimme another, gimme another!!!”
“Sure,” he consented. “There’s plenty of meat to go around.”
“Like, so, totes, YUM-YUM!!!!” squealed Natsuki, shredding the meat apart with her sharp fairy teeth.
“Why don’t you get a burger, Sarah Lily?” suggested April.
“Oh, no thanks,” she sighed, rubbing her shoulder self-consciously. “I’m a vegetarian…”
Everybody stopped eating to stare at her in shock.
“You’re a what?!” sputtered Mikey as though she’d introduced herself as a Nazi.
“I only eat plant products,” she explained.
“That’s too bad,” said Donnie. “These burgers are the best things I’ve ever had.”
“You’re kind of skinny,” Leo told her in concern. “Maybe you should eat some meat.”
“Maybe she feels like she’s related to the chicken with those wings,” suggested Mikey rudely.
“Mikey, be nice,” chided Leo.
“I know you’re doing it to be more ethical for the planet and everything,” said April. “But this meat’s fresh, and I’m sure the animal was killed humanely. Why don’t you try it just this once?”
“I-I really shouldn’t…”
“Come on, angel face,” Karai told her. “Live a little.”
“Well, it does look really nice,” sighed Sarah Lily, relenting. “Maybe just this once…”
Within seconds, Raph had fixed her up a nice burger and she swore it was the best thing she’d ever tasted. Then Casey arrived.
“Hey, dudes, what did I miss?” he asked, swaggering onto the tarp.
“The best burgers, like, EVER!!!!!” answered Natsuki, who was licking her plate.
“Oh, before you eat, this is Sarah Lily,” introduced April. “Sarah Lily, this is Casey.”
They shook hands, Casey gripping her hand longer than necessary and staring into her gray eyes eagerly.
“You’re as beautiful as an angel,” he told her without ceremony.
“Oh, thanks,” she said shyly.
“You’ve got a little grease on your mouth,” he told her, removing it with his thumb in an attempt to be romantic. “I can’t wait to try that burger myself, though nothing can be as tasty as you are pretty.”
She giggled.
“I’m just curious, Raph,” commented Donnie. “What kind of meat is this?”
“Um…” he trailed off, looking guilty.
“Is it turkey meat?” asked Leo. “It tastes like something we had many Thanksgiving’s ago.”
“Yeah, that’s it,” he gulped, while the smoky fumes filled the air. “Turkey meat…”
“...so I’ve been having so much trouble sleeping,” Sarah Lily was explaining to Casey, finishing her thought that the others hadn’t heard.
“You’ve been having trouble sleeping?” questioned Leo. “Why?”
“My pillow’s all wrong,” she complained, messaging her neck. “And I just can’t find one that’s soft enough for me, and feather pillows are just so expensive.”
“I’ll make you a pillow that’s soft enough,” offered Raph. “I have some nice golden feathers that’ll make the best pillow ever.”
“Really?” she smiled. “That’s very nice of you.”
Arizona, who had been jumping around on the tarp like a little child, now rushed over and demanded her share of the food. While she yanked the back scratcher that had been plaguing him out of his shell, Raph instantly fixed her up the best burger he could manage, and she bit into it like a savage, exclaiming in delight.
“Raphael!!!” she told him at last. “That burger’s so good-- if you were a woman and I was a man, I’d propose to you!!!!!”
“Ah shucks,” he grinned modestly. “I just caught it in the oven, took it out, grilled it, and served it up all fresh.”
“Wait, what?” asked Donnie in confusion, wiping his mouth daintily on a paper napkin, for he’d been feasting on the blueberry pie too. “What do you mean you put it in the oven too? You’ve been grilling it.”
Raph looked away, muttering, “Just an expression.”
Donnie ate another burger and pie, looking confused and saying, “I feel like I’ve tasted this meat somewhere before… Is it turkey?”
Mikey too looked confused, and he was slurping down his fifth burger with a more thoughtful expression than was usually found on his infantile face.
“Should we maybe tell them now?” asked April, looking into her husband’s eyes sweetly.
“Sure,” he grinned, picking up his fork and tapping it against his plate, saying, “Everyone! April and I have an announcement to make.”
“What, like, iiiiiiiisssss it?” squealed Natsuki.
He put his arm around his wife, touched her belly, and opened his mouth. But his words were drowned out by a sudden exclamation of Mikey’s.
“BIG BOID!!!!!” cried the youngest turtle, dropping his plate onto the tarp.
“Mikey, April and I are trying to tell everyone that we’re expecting!” he scolded angrily.
“Wait, you two are?” asked Karai, clasping her hands. “Oh my gosh, that’s great news!!”
“Ah, congratulations,” said Leo excitedly. “I’m going to be an uncle!!”
“BIG BOID!!!!!!!!” cried Mikey louder. “These burgers taste like Big Boid burgers!!!!! We had him for dinner many years ago!!!!!!!”
“What are they talking about?” asked Arizona. “Oh, I think you told me-- there was this mutant bird you ate many years ago and made boas out of his feathers, right?”
“Big Boid,” mused Donnie, horror in his amber eyes. “Yes, that’s the taste…”
“Yeah, but that was a long time ago,” said Leo uncomfortably. “Big Boid’s dead. Raph ate him.”
“Raph, where did this meat come from?” asked Natsuki quietly.
Raph gulped, tugging on his white apron with a very guilty expression on his green face. “Well,” he sighed at last. “Big Boid’s son sort of came back for revenge and tried to kill me, and one thing led to another, so… Come on, I’ve never been one to waste good meat!”
“I’ve been eating a mutant bird?!” gasped Sarah Lily, fainting. Casey caught her.
“Raph, WHY?” demanded Leo angrily. “Why do you ALWAYS ruin a perfectly good event with this kind of behavior?! You realize cannibalism is ILLEGAL in the U.S.?”
“Yeah, but no one has to find out,” grunted Raph defensively.
“There’s blood on all our hands,” said Mikey, staring at his own greasy hands. “Or should I say in our mouths?”
“Well, it was a pretty good burger,” shrugged Karai heartlessly.
“This just had to be announced on the day we tell everyone we’re pregnant!” cried April, laying her face against Donnie’s shoulder wearily.
“Yeah,” groaned Donnie. “You ruined our announcement, Raph.”
“Well, life, death, you know,” said Raph.
“Well maybe Big Boid’s son shouldn’t have tried to kill Raph,” suggested Arizona, sticking up for her boyfriend. “And maybe this will be a good lesson for everyone. April and Donnie, raise your child better than Big Boid raised his son so that this won’t happen to your child. Now, Raph, can I have another burger?”
“But- but- CANNIBALISM!!” sputtered Leo.
“Look, we’re already guilty of cannibalism. It’s too late to turn back now. And it’s so delicious, I want another burger,” she informed, tossing her thick, dark hair defiantly.
“There are a lot of feathers in my room where you can lay Sarah Lily,” Raph told Casey matter-of-factly. “She can be comfortable there.”
“Thanks, man,” grinned Casey, lifting her and carrying her away into the house.
“Can I have another burger too?” asked Karai.
So, yeah. Barbecues fanfics are way better than coffee shop ones. Wasn’t that WAY more romantic? Yeah, but my sister wrote the death scene. I was gonna have Crusty fall on a sword, but she didn’t think it was momentous enough; she thought he deserved a better death. So, if you are wondering where you can meet your future spouse, a barbecue’s a good place. Just a little dating advice from a person who’s never dated. Peace out! #barbecue romance
~Sunset Magpie
THE END