Chapter Text
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
March 15, 2014 3:43 pm
You added Hayden and Jackie
Hayden
JJ, what is this?
Read the group chat name? We're getting Capitaine a boyfriend
I know we have tried to set him up before, but that was before he came out to us. So obviously the past attempts were a failure.
But now that we know he's gay, it should work this time around
Hayden
Didn't he come out to you like ten minutes ago?
Yes, and I've already wasted ten minutes I could've been searching for the love of his life.
This is serious business and we need to get to work
Jackie
I'm not sure I want to be included in your meddling
Yes, you do
You are smarter than me and your husband combined
Someone needs to be the brains of the operation
Me and Hayden have too many concussions
Jackie
*Hayden and I
See? This is what I'm talking about
Jackie
You're making good points
Fuck, I'm in
Hayden
Swear jar
Jackie
The twins can't read, Hayden
Hayden
Oh, I forgot
Didn't they just turn one?
Jackie
Yes
Okay, so we reaaaaally need you
Jackie
I can see that
So, what's the plan?
The plan?
Jackie
What's our criteria? What kind of man are we looking for Shane?
A nice man in Montréal
Someone who can be discreet about him being The Shane Hollander. And you know, not run to the tabloids
Hayden
I don't know if I know any gay people
Am I a bad person?
Not the time for that, Hayden
Jackie
One of my college friends lives here, I can ask him
Yes, he can be our first test subject
Antoine
March 15, 2014 3:57 pm
Hi, Antoine! I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with a friend of mine. He just came out to us a while ago and I'd love to set you up with him. He's a sweetie and very handsome, I think you two would get along.
Hi, honey, I've missed you!! <3
When you say he came out to you, does that mean he's not actually out? You know I don't date closeted guys
Shit, I forgot about that, sorry. He is very much still in the closet publicly.
That sucks, wishing him the best.
We should go clubbing some time
I'm a tired mother, I don't have the time for that
That's exactly why we should go clubbing
Let your loser husband take care of your children for once
I forgot how much you hate him
He stole your youth
Sure, babe
Does this Friday work?
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
March 15, 2014 4:15 pm
Jackie
Okay, Antoine was a bust.
They need to be fine with closeted guys, too.
Damn, I didn't even think of that.
We'll regroup later. Homework assignment for everyone is to befriend gay people.
Hayden
How do I know if someone's gay?
Okay, Jackie and I will befriend gay people. You're relieved of your duties
March 15, 2014 4:47 pm
Hayden
I have made a gay friend
It's been 30 minutes?
Hayden
Actually, I just realized one of my friends is probably gay
And how did you realize this?
Hayden
I just remembered I used to kiss this one guy in seventh grade a lot
What?
Hayden
Yeah, me and Mateo used to do that. Which means he's gay, right?
Yes. Probably.
Jackie
Baby. Kissing men as a man does make you a little gay. Please tell me you know that.
Hayden
That's what I thought!
I'm going to ask him, is that alright?
Jackie
Yes. Go ask this man you used to make out with.
Hayden
Okay!
Jackie
March 15, 2014 4:53 pm
Jackie
JJ
You saw that
Uh-huh
I think I'm hallucinating
Me too
I mean… I've wondered sometimes, but this?
Yeah
It's alright, my husband can be a little gay and oblivious
I still know he's very much into me, so it doesn't really matter tbh
#ally
Mateo
March 15, 2014 4:55 pm
Hi, you're gay, right?
Hayden, what????
You've had your tongue in my mouth??
Is that a yes?
Yes??
Okay, good! I have this friend who's gay and hot and surprisingly funny. And you're also gay and hot and funny, so I thought you two would get along. And maybe you'd want to go on a date with him?
Huh
Sure, if he's as great as you say he is, then why not
There's just the thing that he's still in the closet and kind of famous. If that's a problem, please say rn
That's not a problem!
How famous are we talking about?
Hockey famous
Oh? Well I am intrigued, even though I know nothing about hockey. But I'll keep his secret, don't worry
Good, because I would murder you otherwise
Sure you would, Hayd
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxe_YMJ4nUs&t=26s
What's this?
A compilation of me beating up people on ice. Watch it and then stop being so unsure if I'd murder you or now
March 15, 2015 5:13 pm
I don't know what that was supposed to accomplish except make me a little turned on
Dude?
That's your fault, buddy
But yes, I believe you'd murder me. Can you tell me who the guy you're setting me up with is?
Shane
Shane who?
Hollander?
Let me Google him real quick
March 15, 2014 5:24 pm
Hayden Pike
You've been holding out on me
That is the most beautiful man I've ever seen
Does that mean you'll go on a date with him?
I'll go to the ends of the Earth for him
Yes, please
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
March 15, 2014 5:32 pm
Hayden
Operation Shane and Mateo is a go
And now we wait
How long do we wait?
Hayden
They have a date in three days
Alright. We'll wait
Mateo
March 18, 2014 11:23 pm
How was it?
Oh, Hayden, he's even more beautiful in person
I just don't think we have much in common, though
What do you mean?
Dude, he lives and breathes hockey. And I asked him what's the ball that's not a ball called.
The puck?
Yes, that one
He was very patient with my lack of hockey knowledge, but I could see he was struggling to come up with other stuff to talk about. At least ones he was actually interested in
I can see that
We're going on another date next week, but I'm not sure about it
Hmh. Okay. Tell me how it goes, I guess
March 27, 2014 10:59 pm
Yeah, I don't think anything is going to happen with us
Damn, what kind of standards do you even have, if The Shane Hollander is not enough to you?
You can just date him yourself if it's such a struggle
I have a wife
And that's the only obstacle?
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
March 27, 2014 11:12 pm
Hayden
Okay, so maybe the guy has to like hockey. Or at least be interested in learning hockey, because Mateo wasn't and Shane's life doesn't have much else in it
That makes sense.
Well then, we need someone who's:
- nice
- gay
- in Montréal
- can be discreet
- okay with dating someone closeted
- into hockey
Jackie
That's not so bad? I'm sure we will find someone!
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
August 29, 2014 3:34 pm
Jackie
Apparently Charlie thought Shane was "too weird", whatever that means
Huh?
Jackie
I don't even know, I'm fucking pissed at Charlie at the moment
I mean, sure, Shane sometimes misses some social cues or whatever, who the fuck even cares
So the guy has to be fine with Shane's quirks?
Fuck it, whatever, I'm adding it to the list
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
October 12, 2014 4:34 pm
Hayden
Alex said "they're not sexually compatible". I didn't ask any follow-up questions, I don't want to know what that means
Probably that they're both either tops or both bottoms
Jackie
JJ, how would you even know that?
I did my research. Watched some gay porn. You know, ally stuff.
Jackie
You watched gay porn?
Yeah, for research.
Jackie
What the hell, sure
Hayden
Should I have done that, too?
Jackie
Baby, no
Well
We can watch together, when you get home <3
October 12, 2014 10:59 pm
Hayden
Okay, which one do we think Shane is?
What do you mean which one?
Hayden
Top or bottom?
I don't think there's a way to know without asking him
You could ask Alex, then we could probably guess
Hayden
I don't want to do that
Then I'll guess we'll have to go without that knowledge
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
January 17, 2015 11:29 am
Jackie
So. Get this
Shane is "too mean" and Peter was not into that
Our Shane? Too mean?
Jackie
It was just light chirping if even that, and apparently that was too much
Yeah fucking whatever, fine
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
March 2, 2015 4:29 pm
Now apparently Shane is "too competitive"
Why the fuck does no one want nothing more than a few dates with him??? I'm going to become homicidal
Jackie
Sigh, I'll guess we'll add that to the list
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
July 17, 2015 8:11 pm
Jackie
Shane and Eli are going on a date number four!! Our most successful mission yet!!!
Thank God
Maybe he's the one!!!
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
August 24, 2015 12:21 am
Jackie
They are officially boyfriends!!!
Hayden
Does that mean our work is done?
We're so good at this
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
September 25, 2015 11:28 am
Jackie
They broke up :/
What? Why? I thought it was going well
Jackie
It was, but all the travel and time apart was too much for Eli. Can't really help it with Shane's job
They fought about it and Eli asked Shane to quit hockey for him
He did WHAT?????
Jackie
Yup. That did not go over very well
Hayden
And we're back in square one. Fuck.
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
January 27, 2016 2:43 pm
Jackie added Rose
Jackie
We need reinforcements now that Shane finally has more than three friends
Say hi to Rose. Be normal.
You can't just add Rose Landry to out group chat and ask us to be normal
Jackie
Yes, I can.
Rose
You guys can act however you want, I've seen everything
I'm here as Shane's friend and as someone who wants nothing but happiness for him
And if that means meddling in his life behind his back trying to find someone who'll love him the way he deserves, then so be it
Hayden
Do the dating rumours about you two bother you?
Rose
I have had dating rumours about every male I've ever been seen with, which is quite ironic considering I'm a lesbian
You are?
Rose
No, I'm just lying for fun
Yes, obviously I'm a lesbian
I'm assuming you'll keep that secret the same way you kept Shane's
Hayden
Yeah, yeah, of course! We would never out someone
Jackie
Sorry if this is a rude question, but is there a reason you're not out? I thought Hollywood would be a lot more accepting than the hockey world
Rose
Mostly because of my family
But also because people are weird about sexuality once it's anything but straight
Jackie
That makes sense. But it also sucks that you have to hide this big part of yourself
Rose
Yeah, well. That's life
Anyway, where are we with finding Shane his soulmate?
After a lot of failures we have a list:
- nice (but can be a little mean in a chirping way)
- gay (or bi/whatever)
- in Montréal (or at least somewhat close/okay with travelling)
- can be discreet
- okay with dating someone closeted
- into hockey (or fine with learning about it, at least)
- okay with Shane's quirks (can autism be diagnosed as a peer review?)
- okay with either being just the top or the bottom (we never figured which one)
- competitive (or fine with Shane getting too competitive with video games and such)
- fine with Shane's career and everything that comes with it (travel, time, injuries etc.)
Rose
I see we're serious about this, then. Good.
I know many gay people. Most of them don't deserve Shane. But I can name like five people at the top of my head who could work
Rose Landry, you are a national treasure.
Rose
You know I'm American, right?
And they don't deserve you. Canada is adopting you
Rose
Depending on the election results, I might actually want to become a Canadian
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
September 13, 2016 11:23 am
Rose
Maybe all my friends SUCK, why is this so hard? How the hell is this the fifth person that went: "He's so hot, but…" after a couple of dates??? Fuck, I hate gay people
Welcome to our life
Jackie
It's like only hockey people can appreciate Shane the proper way
Rose
Well, have you tried that? A hockey player? Or I don't know, the team's social media manager or something?
Hayden
Our social media manager is a very pregnant lady, so no
And I don't think there are other gay hockey players?
Jackie
Babe, please don't be stupid in front of Rose, I'm getting embarrassed
Hayden
Are there other gay hockey players?
There aren't any out players, so how are we supposed to know which ones are gay?
Rose
I might know something about someone from one of my closeted friends who travels to Europe to be gay in secret
Hayden
Wait, who?
Rose
I'm not going to tell you guys anything, sorry. Not my secret to tell. But I'll ask him if he's interested
I'm so goddamn curious but I'll behave
Scott Hunter
September 13, 2016 2:43 pm
Hello, Scott Hunter
Who is this?
Rose Landry
Yeah, right
Send a pic with an apple on your head, then
Is this some kind of kink thing?
Oh shit
Sorry, I didn't actually think it would be you
No kink here, I just thought you were some kind of scammer
I know, I'm just messing with you
Okay, that's good to know. I wouldn't even want to know what kind of headlines would come out of this, if you thought it was
Don't worry, I'm not going to spill your fruit related or other kinds of secrets
Can I ask, is there a reason you're messaging me?
Well! Speaking of secrets, you're gay, right?
What?
Who told you that?
I don't know what you're talking about
Okay, shit, I'm coming at this the wrong way
Hey, a gay, I'm a lesbian. I'd like you to go on a date with a friend of mine, who's also gay and a hockey player. I'm not going to out you to anyone
Oh.
Huh.
I actually kind of have a boyfriend?
Damn. Well, I'm happy for you and your boyfriend, then!
Yeah, me too <3
September 13, 2016 3:13 pm
Wait, I didn't know you were friends with other hockey players than Shane Hollander
Does that mean what I think it means?
September 13, 2016 5:28 pm
Rose?
September 13, 2016 11:23 pm
I see. I'll keep his secret as well, don't worry.
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
September 13, 2016 6:34 pm
Rose
WhatEVER I'm giving up!
Shane can find the love of his life on his own
Jackie
Imagine how tired we are
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
January 29, 2017 7:23 pm
Rose
You guys are watching the All-Star Game, right?
Of course
Rose
Can you also see the insane chemistry Shane has with Ilya Rozanov?
Hayden
I mean, they are the best players in the league, of course they'll play well together
Rose
I'm not talking about them playing
Actually, that too. This is borderline sexual to watch
Jackie
I can see that
Hayden
You can?
Rozanov just kissed Shane on the cheek
Rose
I looked away for like two seconds, WHAT???!!?!?!?!?
That's it, I think he should be our next target
Hayden
Ilya Rozanov
Rose
Yes.
Hayden
From The Boston Bears.
Rose
Yes.
Hayden
But Shane hates him
Jackie
I don't think he does
Hayden
My own wife is betraying me
Jackie
I mean sure, there's the rivalry but that's all from the media. Shane has never talked about Rozanov with nothing but respect, which is understandable considering I think no one else can understand Shane's career in the way Rozanov probably can
But he's an asshole. Like famously one of the most hated players in the league because he's such a piece of shit on the ice
Rose
But is he the same off the ice, though?
Hayden
He's still an asshole in his interviews
Rose
Interviews mean nothing. Shane is also really boring in his interviews, I wouldn't judge his personality based on those only
Hayden
Also, Rozanov is straight and bit of a manwhore
Jackie
Hayden, don't slut-shame him just because you don't like him
Hayden
Sorry
But I don't think he would be interested in a relationship, especially with a man. Especially when that man is his rival
I agree with Hayden. Anyone but Rozanov
Rose
Boo!!!! Just boring as hell
January 29, 2017 11:48 pm
Rose
I'll prove it to you that he'd be good for Shane. Just you wait.
February 3, 2017 11:34 am
Rose
https://youtu.be/m77hgrECQn8?si=2VkEmLWmNBKRNAvt
What's this?
Rose
A Hollanov compilation
A what?
Rose
Compilation of Shane and Ilya's best moments on ice and of them talking about each other in interviews
Oh, he's Ilya now?
Rose
I'm not going to call Shane's future husband by his last name
I don't think it was a good idea to add you to this group
Hayden
I'm not watching that video
Jackie
Yes, you are
Hayden
I guess I will be watching the video
February 20, 2017 11:58 pm
Rose
https://archiveofourown.org/works/86553716
Before anyone asks, yes that is a fanfiction about Shane and Ilya. I picked one with no fucking, so it would convince you to maybe read it.
People write about them fucking?
Rose
https://archiveofourown.org/works/76936486
Start with that one
Not what I asked
March 7, 2017 2:34 pm
Rose
https://www.tumblr.com/silly-little-pal/797323277183975424?source=share
This is fanart of them at Shane's cottage
People on the internet are so weird, these are real people, you know?
Rose
Okay, RPF police
I don't know what that means
Rose
Yeah, I figured
Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
April 3, 2017 8:12 pm
Rose
Shit, is he okay?
That hit looked really bad, fuck
Please let me know how he is, when you guys can
Jackie
I'm going to murder Marlow
Also Yuna promised to text when she has any news
April 3, 2017 11:24 pm
Jackie
He has a concussion and a fractured collarbone, but otherwise he's okay
Rose
Oh, thank God
I would come and visit him but I'm in the middle of a shoot week and I really can't get out of this
Hayden
We'll tell him you're thinking of him when we visit tomorrow
Rose
Thank you <3
April 4, 2017 3:24 pm
Something weird just happened
Rozanov was just here
Rose
In the hospital?
Hayden
Yeah. He came to apologize in behalf of Marlow
Me and JJ stayed in the room because we do not trust him
But he was really sincere, actually.
And Shane was blushing like half of the time.
Jackie
That's so cute
Hayden
You know what, it kind of was
Rose
Does that mean I have you guys' permission to message Ilya?
Actually, I don't care if I do or don't, I'm going to do it any way
Hayden
Fine. But I kind of wanted to be the one to message him
Hey, I want to do that too
Rose
That's not happening
But I can just add him here for a second
You're going to do what?
Whatever, go ahead
Rose changed name to The Interrogation Room
Rose
Wait, I don't actually have his number
Jackie
Give me a minute, the WAGs will get me it
Jackie added Ilya to the group
Hayden
Rozanov
Jackie
Hayden, don't even start
Ilya
Hayden Pike? The 15th best Voyagers player? Why am I in a group chat with you?
Rose, I'm taking back my permission, we'll find someone else
Jackie
Stop being school children for one second, please
Hi, Ilya. I'm Jackie (Pike). Here are also Hayden, JJ and Rose (Landry)
Ilya
And? Why am I here?
Hayden
That's what we're all wondering
Rose
Hi, Ilya! Sorry about Hayden and JJ, they're annoying as hell today
We just have a proposition for you but it's kind of top secret
Oh, and I'm Rose btw. I'm a big fan of you
Ilya
Can you stop speaking in riddles and ask me whatever you are going to ask?
Rose
Damn, alright. What do you think about Shane?
Ilya
Who?
Fuck off
Ilya
Shane Hollander, you mean?
Boring Canadian, weak backhand, second best player in the league
Hayden
This is the guy you want to date Shane, Rose? Really?
Ilya
????
Rose
You weren't supposed to say that yet, Hayden, we were supposed to scout him first
Hayden
Oh! Ohhh fuck
Rozanov, forget I ever said anything
Ilya
No, I'm very interested now
What do you mean date Hollander?
Okay, first of all: What are your thoughts about gay people?
Ilya
I love gay people
I have fucked a few of them
Let's get back to dating Hollander
Hayden
You have had gay sex?
Ilya
Yes and I would love to have gay sex with Hollander, too
Rose
See, I told you guys!!!!
But also, we're not talking about just hooking up with him. Our mission is to find his soulmate, not just some one-night stand
Ilya
And you think that is me?
Hayden
Eh, you are kind of like a last resort
Trust me, we've been at this for years. We are desperate
Ilya
You are bad at match-making, then
Honestly? I think so too. Or at least we are insane, because we are trying to get you and Shane together
Ilya
Were all the guys you like stupid and ugly and old, or what?
I'm not any of those. I must be perfect
Jackie
It was usually Shane that was the "problem"
Ilya
How would the golden Canadian boy Shane Hollander be the problem?
Jackie
That's what we thought!!!
Send the list, JJ
After a lot of failures we have a list. We need some who's:
- nice (but can be a little mean in a chirping way)
- gay (or bi/whatever)
- in Montréal (or at least somewhat close/okay with travelling)
- can be discreet
- okay with dating someone closeted
- into hockey (or fine with learning about it, at least)
- okay with Shane's quirks (can autism be diagnosed as a peer review?)
- okay with either being just the top or the bottom (we never figured which one)
- competitive (or fine with Shane getting too competitive with video games and such)
- fine with Shane's career and everything that comes with it (travel, time, injuries etc.)
Ilya
These things were too hard to find in a guy?
Somehow, yes
Ilya
Hmh
Okay
I'm in
Really? Just like that?
Ilya
Yes, I will woo Hollander and no man will be good enough for him after
Jackie
Are you sure? Because we are not fucking around here
Rose
What Jackie is saying that we know where you work and we will come and chop off your dick if you do anything to hurt Shane.
Hayden
Who is we??
You too, Hayden
Hayden
I mean sure, but can't we like just punch him or something? Why do we have to go straight for the dick?
Ilya
Hollander has such interesting friends
I have heard your warnings, I will behave
Rose
Good. And don't tell Shane I said this, but I think he's kind of into you already.
Ilya
Makes sense
Everybody's into me
Jesus
Ilya
No, my name is Ilya
Hayden
Rozanov, I swear to God
Ilya
Okay, okay
I was actually thinking about 2009, the night of the draft
We had a moment
A moment?
Ilya
There were sparks. But then nothing happened, I don't know
Hayden
Huh. And you've never done anything with him?
Ilya
I wanted to, maybe. It was never the right time or it was too risky or I got scared
Rose
Ilya Rozanov, do you have a crush on Shane?
Ilya
What
NO
Russians do not have crushes
Hayden
That wasn't very convincing buddy
Ilya
Okay, big surprise, I'm one of the thousands who has a little tiny crush on Shane Hollander
He has beautiful freckles and he chews on his cheek when he's thinking and I like to make him laugh with my chirps
I'm not special
Interesting…
Rose
Very interesting…
Ilya
Can I have Hollander's number now or do you want to test me more?
Hayden
Man, I think you should probably call him Shane at this point
Ilya
Okay, can I have Shane's number, then?
Hayden
I'm going to throw up.
But yeah. You can have it.