Chapter Text
Dean doesn’t know precisely when it started. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter. The fact still remains, standing ugly and tall. One day, it was just there, creeping over him like a shiver, something he couldn’t shake off no matter how hard he tried. Similar to a persistent cold during the colder months of the year.
His best guess is that it had been gradual, over time. The disease had taken hold of him, sunken its claws into him, ruthless and unrelenting. Putting him firmly into place, making him kneel in submission. He took each and every single step leading him higher and higher to the point of no return with unwilling steps. Looking down from where he stood, he knew what his only escape was. Death.
No amount of nightstands with random strangers or drinking could extinguish it. It could only be slightly numbed, that’s why he kept doing it. It was a wildfire that had gotten out of control long ago. He thought of his dad… his mom.
How disgusted they would be with him. Wherever they were now, he hoped they could not see him, not when he jerked off in the shower in yet another motel after he and Sam had been once more mistaken for being a couple. He understood why: two traveling men checking into the same room was a bit unusual. A part of him hated how quick Sam was to correct them and tell them that no, they were brothers. Dean was filth, no better than an animal. No, even animals knew better. His oblivious baby brother. Oh, he deserved to burn for eternity. More than that, if possible.
And that was it. The ugly truth was that he felt attracted to his brother. Attraction that was intended for a pretty girl and some day, one he’d marry. But no. He knew he could never love anyone as much as he did Sam, whether it was brotherly or romantically. Sam was perfect. Always had been.
He remembers being a child and seeing him for the first time in the hospital. ‘’Dean, this is your brother.’’ his mom murmured gently, holding baby Sam.
He could pretend, walk through the motions of everything being normal, but he could not deny it when no one was watching, when he was alone.
It was his darkest, deepest secret, one that would have to be buried deep inside of himself, never allowed to see the light of day. It was killing him. But death wasn’t an option and it would never be. Because Sam needed him. More than ever now, after the sudden death of their father.
They had checked into another motel for the next couple of days. Dean sat on his designated bed for that time, buzzed from the alcohol he’d bought earlier. He took another swig from his beer. Pathetic. Sam hadn’t said anything about the increasing amount of nightstands or extra drinking lately. Perhaps he shrugged it off as Dean dwelling on something.
If he could smell any melancholy on him, he did not say. He was just the same old Sam as always.
At the moment, Sam was out doing whatever fucking Sam do when they’re not together. Ever since they hit the road together, they were hardly ever apart, (except when they had an exceptionally big fight) being together was both a curse and a blessing. Dean would always love to be by his brother's side and he knew the same went for Sam but that was as far as it went. For that, Dean felt guilty, because he wanted more. Disgusting.
No matter how much Sam tried to run for a reason or other, (or be kidnapped) Dean would always find him in the end. Sam was the only person in the world to him. Worth living for, anyway. Since that day at the hospital when he first laid his eyes on him, he swore to himself: My responsibility.
Dean’s fingers itched. He wanted to go out and find him, because one thing — one thing that would never change, was his protective nature of his little brother. But these other feelings, vile and hideous were as solid as stone walls — and they were closing in on him and sealing him in as a prisoner, with no escape in sight. And to tell you the truth, it was getting hard to breathe.
“Fuck it”, he stood up from his bed, drained the rest of his beer in one go, set it on the nightstand table and made his way out of the motel. If he was gonna be miserable, he could at least get laid and pretend everything was normal.
______________________
It didn’t take long until someone approached him. Who it was never mattered to him these days, because all it was to him was a temporary distraction.
In the past it had been all in good fun and he’d tease Sam afterwards for getting laid so infrequently. Sam would either just roll his eyes and or other times (when Dean went into further detail) go as red in the face as a tomato.
But now, these nights were just a bandaid to a wound that would never heal. He walked through town to a bar they had passed the day earlier when he drove his dear Chevrolet Impala. The both of them knew immediately where Dean would be lounging for the next coming days ahead.
The bar was relatively lively and the music decent. He sat by a round brown table, alone, sipping idly on a tequila. “Hello” a voice sounded from behind him. He didn’t turn around. Heels clicked and sure enough, the girl was now in his field of vision. He looked up to meet her gaze: she was tall and he believed dark blonde, hard to tell in the orange light of the bar: a smile played on her lipstick coated mouth. She was beautiful.
He returned a smile, out of politeness really. Because this wasn’t anything that was going to last. And he hoped this wasn’t another one who’d be crushed to find out that they had been just another one nightstand. Nothing meaningful.
“Hey” he replied.
She smiled even wider at hearing his voice, “What is a handsome guy like you doing alone here on a Friday night?”
Dean shrugged, tracing the almost full glass with a finger. “Nothing much, just enjoying the evening, that wrong?”
“No, no,” She was wearing a dark dress, a silver necklace hung around her neck. “But isn’t it more fun with some company?”
She lowered her chin and tapped the table, where an empty seat was. He looked her up and down, an obvious notion: on purpose to pretend he truly was interested.
“Well I wouldn’t mind if it was a pretty girl like you” he cringed as he said it, but did not show it.
She laughed warmly at that and took that as an invitation to sit down.
He thought, “Are you here alone too?”
She shook her head “No, I came with my friend Evelyn, but…” she pointed a nail polished finger to a sofa shoved in a dimly lit corner.
A girl (Evelyn) and a man were passionately making out. Dean chuckled, genuine. “I see. No fun being a third wheel.’’
‘’Agreed. But I don’t mind making new friends either’’ she stared at him unapologetically. Boldness. Something Dean liked.
He nodded,‘’What’s your name then, ‘new friend’?’’
Giggling, “Oh, it’s Khloe” she quickly added, “with a K”
“Nice to meet you “Chloe with a K” he forced another smile. “I’m Dean.”
“Dean’’ she repeated, testing the name, ‘’you do look like a Dean.’’
‘’What’s that supposed to mean?’’
Khloe shrugged ‘’I don’t know, it just fits you that’s all,’’ she paused for a moment ‘’I should go get a drink, that okay? I’ll be back in just a sec.’’
‘’Yeah, go ahead, don’t worry I’m not going anywhere.’’ Dean took his first sip of his drink in a while. She walked off to the bar to order. He took this opportunity to scan his surroundings (for what he didn’t know) and noted that no one seemed to pay them any mind. He wondered what his brother was doing. He took another sip.
They ended up talking for some time, Khloe was from town and she was decent company, but not ‘settle down’ type company. He didn’t have time for that anyway, as Sam and he was always on the lookout for another hunt. She appeared a bit disappointed when she heard that he would only be in town for a couple of days, but recovered fast. Good, he thought. She revealed she worked in a cafe some blocks away from here and asked what his job was – and if his stay in town was for any work purposes.
Of course Sam was brought up in the conversation and she playfully said ‘’I’m sure he’s just as handsome as you are’’ Awkward. But all he could do was dryly swallow and say ‘’Yeah.’’
It was getting to a point where he was growing tired of the pointless chattering. His drink was long since finished and she had ordered 2 more drinks after the first one, but did not seem drunk still. She was obviously into him, flirting with him and he right back at her. So when she batted her eyelashes at him and said “don’t you think we should go somewhere more private?” he was relieved.
‘’Alright, but best we go to your place, because, you know…’’ he trailed off. Didn’t wanna mention him, but she did it for him.
‘’Your brother, I get it, yeah, let’s go then.’’
They promptly paid and made their way to her apartment three blocks away.
______________________
The moment they were inside, they were on each other, kissing, tugging at clothes, kicking off shoes and high heels – he screwed his eyes shut.
Let himself be led to a bedroom inside the apartment, where they fell into bed together, he was shirtless, she was only in her bra at this point. Skin against skin, the alcohol, his fucked up head, all of it: he needed this. Needed to forget. Eyes closed, he kissed and licked her slim neck and she moaned in turn. ‘’You’re so handsome’’ she breathed. ‘’Dean… so handsome…’’
Arms snaked around his shoulders and they kissed again. They made out for some time, rubbing against each other in a frenzy. He finally broke the kiss to sit up in bed and he dared to open his eyes, just for a moment, not more than necessary.
His heart nearly stopped right there and then.
Because underneath him was not Khloe, but Sam, his fucking brother.
Horrified, he froze where he was. Sam stared up at him in confusion, brows pinched together. ‘’Dean, don’t be afraid, it’s still me, Khloe’’ he or… she spoke, voice changing into Khloe’s voice at the end.
‘’What… what…’’ his head was spinning. What the fuck was happening? He hadn’t drank that much to the point he’d mistaken a chick for his brother, had he? No… he was always in control of himself. Always aware.
Continuing in Khloe’s voice (had it been a different situation, he would’ve cracked up at the voice, but none of this was funny)
‘’I’ll admit it, I’m a spirit, and I know who you are, Dean. I’m not evil, all I do is give people their deepest, sometimes darkest desires. And yours… sure is interesting. I couldn’t help myself.’’
‘’You’re… You’re seriously fucked up, I was kissing a girl not…’’ he rubbed his hands in his face. Tried to steady himself. He was trembling.
‘’Dean,’’ returning to Sam’s voice. ‘’This might be your only chance to do what you can never truly have, and I am giving it to you here and now. Are you seriously going to pass on such an exceptional opportunity?’’ The spirit lolled her head to the side, staring intently at Dean, with eyes that were Sam’s. In a way that Sam would never look at him.
Dean looked down at her, him. Naked torso, flushed face, his darkest desire, right in front of him, but not really. Not really.
He wanted to cry, wanted to throw up, to run away. But instead he let himself fall under the surface, diving down into forbidden territory. He closed his eyes, breathed deeply, trying to still himself. Opened them again, and when the same sight laid before him still, that was it.
He smashed their lips together so roughly that their teeth clashed and Sam-but-not-really-Sam moaned in approval. A sickening sound, but it shot straight down to his groin. Hands rummaged across skin, in a way so desperate it was almost painful. Lips so impossibly soft. Did the real ones feel like this?
‘’Sam…’’ Dean dared, opening his eyes, looking down at the younger man beneath him.
‘’Yes’’ he breathed, smiling gently back.
He reached a hand down to stroke Sam’s face, feeling that strong jaw. He only nuzzled into the touch in an almost cat-like motion.
Dean could feel tears threatening to spill out of his eyes, so he quickly dove down again but this time in a much gentler kiss. Almost innocent. It didn’t take long until it was heated once more, and soon jeans came off and Dean was flipped over so he was laying on his back. Sam was on top of him, all in all, simply surrounding Dean in every way possible.
It wasn’t really him, Dean knew it. Would never be. Yet he allowed himself to pretend because this was the only way it could. Without hurting Sammy.