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The thing about Hell’s paperwork—and Levi would know, having been knee-deep in it for centuries—was that it never actually burned. This was, in his opinion, a design flaw. A mountain of scrolls teetered on the edge of his obsidian desk, each one detailing some fresh bureaucratic nightmare: a rogue soul escaping punishment, a minor demon unionizing, a complaint about the sulfur levels in the seventh circle. He pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Levi." Eren said, leaning against the doorway with a steaming cup of what smelled suspiciously like chamomile tea. "You’ve been glaring at that tax reform scroll for an hour. It’s not going to combust just because you want it to."
"It should." Levi muttered, flicking the parchment with one clawed finger. "It’s fucking redundant. We already have a ‘torment by bureaucracy’ department."
Eren snorted and set the tea down in front of him, nudging aside a contract signed in what looked like dried blood. "Drink that before you start eviscerating interns again. The last one still hasn’t regrown his wings."
Levi took a grudging sip of the tea, then promptly scowled. "Why does this taste like sunshine and moral righteousness?"
Eren grinned, leaning over to pluck a tiny, wriggling creature from Levi’s hair—some sort of paperwork gremlin that had taken up residence there. "Because it *is* sunshine tea. Harvested from the souls of particularly righteous monks. Thought you could use the cheer."
Levi’s eye twitched. "I’m the King of Hell."
"And I’m the Queen who stocks your pantry." Eren shot back, tossing the gremlin out the window where it landed with a faint *splatted* noise. "Deal with it."
Levi was halfway through signing a decree to banish all paperwork gremlins to the eighth circle when a tiny, insistent wail echoed down the obsidian halls. His quill snapped in his grip. Eren, who had been absently sorting through a pile of cursed trinkets—each one pulsing ominously—immediately perked up, eyes brightening with that infuriatingly human softness Levi still hadn’t managed to corrupt out of him. "Oh, that’s her hungry cry." Eren said, already striding toward the door.
Levi’s tail lashed behind him. "She *just* ate."
Eren paused, one eyebrow raised. "She’s a demon baby, Levi. They’re basically bottomless pits with horns."
Levi's tail twitched in agitation as Eren disappeared down the hall toward the nursery—or, as Levi preferred to call it: "the tiny tyrant’s lair." He could already hear the rhythmic squeaking of the rocking chair and Eren’s soft murmurs, the kind of gentle nonsense he reserved solely for their daughter. Levi gritted his teeth.
With a growl, Levi shoved away from the desk, scattering scrolls in his wake. He stalked down the hall, claws clicking against the obsidian floor, and paused in the nursery doorway. Eren was cradling their daughter against his chest, one hand supporting her tiny head—already crowned with a pair of nubby little horns—while she suckled greedily at a bottle of something that glowed faintly violet. Levi’s nose wrinkled. "Is that liquefied sin?"
Eren didn’t even look up. "Yep. Third-circle envy, diluted with a bit of ambrosia. Pedialyte from Hell." He grinned when the baby made a satisfied gurgle, her tiny claws kneading at the air. "See? She loves it."
Levi’s eye twitched. "She’s supposed to be napping. Not... *feasting.*" He crossed his arms, tail lashing. "You’re spoiling her."
Eren shot him a look that was far too amused for Levi’s liking. "She’s *your* daughter." The baby—Lilith, though Levi refused to call her that out loud—gave a tiny, milky burp and promptly latched back onto the bottle with renewed vigor. Eren’s expression softened further, and Levi felt something hot and prickling crawl up his spine. That look was supposed to be *his*.
"Give her here." Levi snapped, striding forward with his arms outstretched. Eren blinked, tightening his grip reflexively. "Why?"
"Because I *said so*." Levi hissed, tail flicking like an agitated cat’s. The baby, sensing the tension, let out a warning growl—a sound far too deep for something so small—and clutched the bottle tighter. Eren’s eyebrows shot up. "Oh my god. You’re *jealous*."
Levi’s claws dug into his palms. "I am not—"
Eren’s grin widened, the bastard, and he deliberately cuddled the baby closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “You are. You’re jealous of your own kid. King of Hell, terror of the damned, and you’re getting outmaneuvered by a six-month-old.” Lilith chose that moment to sneeze, a tiny puff of smoke curling from her nostrils, and Eren laughed like it was the most delightful thing he’d ever seen. Levi’s tail smacked the doorframe hard enough to crack the obsidian.
Levi's claws twitched at his sides, the tips embedding into the stone floor with a sharp *click*. "I don't get jealous." he muttered, though the way his tail was now coiled tightly around his ankle betrayed him. Eren just smirked, adjusting the baby in his arms as she finished the last of her bottle with a contented sigh. "Uh-huh. Sure. That’s why you’ve been glaring at her like she’s a soul who just tried to shortchange a demon bartender."
Lilith burped again, this time with a flicker of ember sparks, and Eren wiped her mouth with the edge of his sleeve—a sleeve that, Levi noted with growing irritation, was already stained with what looked like the remnants of liquefied sloth from breakfast. "Disgusting." Levi hissed, though the insult lacked its usual bite. Eren shrugged. "Parenting is 80% bodily fluids and 20% pretending you don’t love the bodily fluids." He nuzzled the top of Lilith’s head, and she giggled, her tiny fangs glinting. Levi’s eye twitched.
Before he could stop himself, he lunged forward, snatching Lilith from Eren’s arms with a speed that would’ve made a reaper blush. The baby blinked up at him, her wide, hellfire-lit eyes unimpressed. Levi growled, holding her at arm’s length like a particularly volatile artifact. Eren crossed his arms. "Oh, come on—"
Lilith, perhaps sensing the opportunity for chaos, suddenly wriggled in Levi’s grip, her tiny claws latching onto his ceremonial robe. With a sound like tearing silk—because it was tearing silk—she shredded the fabric from collar to hem, leaving Levi standing there in tatters, holding a demon baby who now looked far too pleased with herself. Eren clapped a hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking. Levi’s voice was dangerously calm. "She’s *your* offspring."
Eren couldn’t hold it in anymore—he burst into laughter, doubling over as Levi stood there, robes hanging in tattered ribbons, his expression the kind of deadpan fury only a demon king could muster. Lilith, still dangling from his grip, kicked her tiny hooves and let out a gurgling cackle that sounded suspiciously like Eren’s laugh. Levi’s eye twitched. "She’s mocking me."
"Oh, absolutely." Eren wheezed, wiping tears from his eyes. "She’s got your dramatic flair and my sense of humor. It’s a terrible combination." He reached for her, but Levi twisted away, holding Lilith out of reach like a prized trophy. The baby gurgled again, then promptly sneezed another puff of smoke directly into Levi’s face. Eren lost it all over again.
Levi’s tail lashed like a whip, the obsidian walls trembling faintly in response. "This is your fault." he hissed, glaring at Eren through the smoke. "You’re the one who insisted on ‘bonding time’ with her. Now she thinks she can get away with this." Lilith, as if to prove his point, grabbed a fistful of his hair and yanked hard enough to make a lesser demon whimper. Levi didn’t flinch. "See? Menace."
Eren finally caught his breath, leaning against the cracked doorframe with a grin. "Aw, but look at her! She’s adorable." Lilith bared her tiny fangs in what could charitably be called a smile, if smiles were capable of promising future arson. Levi’s grip on her tightened slightly. "She’s plotting. I can *feel* it."
Levi's grip on Lilith shifted as she squirmed, her tiny hooves kicking against his forearm with surprising strength. "She's your menace." he muttered, though the corner of his mouth twitched when she let out a delighted screech, her claws digging into his wrist like she was trying to climb him like a particularly scaly tree. Eren wiped his eyes, still grinning. "Oh, so now she's mine? Convenient." He reached out, tickling Lilith's chin, and she immediately abandoned Levi's hair to latch onto Eren's finger with her teeth—tiny, but sharp enough to draw a bead of blood. Eren didn't even blink. "Yep. Definitely *your* kid."
Levi's tail flicked, the barbed tip curling possessively around Lilith's ankle. "She's *ours*." he corrected, though the way he said it sounded more like a territorial claim than a shared sentiment.
Eren snorted. "She’s teething. Demon babies chew on everything." He plucked a teething ring from the nearby crib—a twisted thing of bone and enchanted iron that glowed faintly with trapped screams—and offered it to Lilith. She eyed it with the skepticism of a seasoned critic before promptly tossing it over her shoulder with a dismissive gurgle. Levi’s lips curled into something almost resembling pride. "She has standards."
Eren sighed, rubbing his temples. "Great. So now we’ve got a baby who rejects hell-forged pacifiers and prefers live flesh." Lilith, as if to prove his point, lunged for Levi’s ear, her tiny fangs bared. Levi dodged with the reflexes of a centuries-old predator, holding her at arm’s length again. "See? Feral." Eren crossed his arms. "You’re encouraging her."
Eren finally managed to pry Lilith from Levi's hands and deposit her—still wriggling like an over-caffeinated imp—into her crib. The moment her back touched the mattress, she let out an indignant screech, tiny horns glowing faintly with outrage.
Levi’s claws tapped impatiently against his thigh as Lilith’s protests dwindled into disgruntled grumbles, her tiny fists clenched around the blanket like she was plotting revenge. Eren smirked and grabbed Levi’s wrist, tugging him backward into the hall. "Alone time." he sing-songed, pressing Levi against the wall with a familiarity that still made the demon king’s tail curl. Levi’s growl was half-hearted at best. "You’re insufferable."
Eren’s grin widened as he leaned in, his breath warm against Levi’s jaw. "You love it." Levi’s retort was cut off by Eren’s mouth on his, the kiss tasting faintly of stolen sunlight and the lingering tang of third-circle envy. Levi’s claws dug into Eren’s waist, a possessive hold that Eren loved. Eren pulled back just enough to murmur: "See? No tiny tyrants, no paperwork gremlins—"
A deafening wail cut through the silence like a scythe.
Levi’s eye twitched. Eren sighed, forehead thumping against Levi’s shoulder. "She’s got timing." Another wail, this one edged with a tremor of hellfire that made the torches flicker. Levi snarled, shoving Eren away. "Ignore her."
Eren blinked. "She’s literally shaking the foundations."
Levi crossed his arms, tail lashing. "She’s fine. Demon infants don’t need coddling." The crib rattled violently, followed by a sound like tearing fabric—probably the shadow-weave blanket meeting its demise. Eren winced. "Pretty sure she’s eating the crib." Levi’s jaw tightened. "Good. Builds character."
Eren shot him a look before striding back into the nursery, where Lilith was indeed gnawing on the crib’s enchanted bars, her tiny fangs leaving scorch marks in the obsidian. She perked up at the sight of Eren, arms outstretched with a gurgle that was equal parts demand and victory cry. Levi hovered in the doorway, arms crossed, as Eren scooped her up. "There’s my little hellspawn." Eren cooed, bouncing her lightly. Lilith’s wails dissolved into contented gurgles, her claws immediately tangling in Eren’s hair.
Levi’s tail smacked the doorframe. "She just ate." His voice dripped with exasperation, but Eren barely glanced up, too busy dodging Lilith’s enthusiastic attempts to bite his nose. "She’s not hungry." Eren said, narrowly avoiding a fang to the eyelid. "She just wants attention."
"That’s worse." Levi hissed, watching as Lilith nestled into Eren’s shoulder, her tiny horns nuzzling his collarbone. Eren laughed, scratching behind one of her nubby horns. "Aw, come on. She’s just clingy." Levi’s eye twitched. "She’s manipulative."
Levi's arms snapped around Eren's waist like a pair of infernal manacles, yanking him backward with enough force to make his teeth clack. Eren yelped, nearly dropping Lilith as Levi hauled him flush against his chest, one clawed hand splayed possessively over Eren's stomach. The baby blinked up at them, her tiny horns tilting in confusion before her face scrunched into an offended pout. Levi bared his fangs at her. "He's mine." he growled, tail lashing like a whip behind him. "And you *can't* have him."
Lilith responded by shrieking—a sound that rattled the chandelier overhead, sending a shower of hellfire sparks raining down. Eren twisted in Levi’s grip, his elbow jabbing the demon king’s ribs. "Are you serious? She’s six months old!" Levi ignored him, tightening his grip and nuzzling the nape of Eren’s neck with a low, territorial rumble. Lilith’s wails escalated into a full-blown tantrum, her tiny fists pounding the air like a miniaturized warlord demanding surrender.
Eren sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand. "You realize you’re losing this argument, right? To an infant?" Levi’s only response was to sink his teeth—lightly, but pointedly—into the juncture of Eren’s shoulder, right where his ceremonial robes gaped open. Eren yelped again, half from shock and half from the sheer absurdity of the situation. "Levi, I swear to God—"
"Wrong deity." Levi muttered against his skin, but his grip loosened just enough for Eren to wrench himself free. Lilith, sensing her moment of triumph, let out a gurgling crow of victory and lunged for Eren’s collar, her claws hooking into the fabric like grappling hooks. Eren barely managed to catch her before she faceplanted into his chest. Levi’s tail smacked the floor with a resounding *crack*.
He looked between them once more, eyes dark. “It's either her or me..." Levi hissed, his voice dripping with mock-drama, though the way his claws flexed betrayed real frustration. Eren snorted, adjusting Lilith in his arms as she gnawed happily on his sleeve. "Wow. You realize you’re arguing with your ‘six-month-old’ daughter, right? That you’re jealous of your own flesh and blood."
Levi’s eye twitched violently. Lilith, perhaps sensing his growing agitation, let out a burp that smelled suspiciously of sulfur and giggled—a sound that was equal parts innocent and diabolical. Eren grinned down at her, rubbing her back absentmindedly. "See? She adores you." Levi’s expression soured further.
Eren rolled his eyes and turned toward the door, bouncing Lilith lightly as she gnawed on his thumb. "Alright, drama king. Let’s go before she starts chewing through the walls." Levi’s tail lashed behind him, but he followed, muttering darkly about "ungrateful spawn" and "betrayal by bloodline."
Eren grinned, bouncing Lilith lightly on his hip as she gnawed on the hem of his sleeve with single-minded determination. He watched Levi’s tail lash behind him like an agitated serpent and couldn’t resist. "You know..." he mused, tapping a finger against his chin. "If you're like this with one, I wonder what you'll do with two."
Levi froze mid-step, his claws scraping against the obsidian floor with a screech that made the torches flicker. Slowly, mechanically, he turned his head to stare at Eren, his crimson eyes wide and utterly blank. "...What." It wasn't a question. It was the flat, dead tone of a demon who had just been handed an invoice from Heaven.
Eren’s smirk widened, sharp and knowing, as he adjusted Lilith in his arms. Her tiny horns bumped his chin, and she let out a gurgle that sounded suspiciously like laughter. "You really shouldn’t have given me those magic tonics after giving birth." Eren sing-songed, tapping the side of his nose. "Turns out they worked too well."
Levi’s tail went rigid. A vein throbbed visibly at his temple. The torches nearest to him guttered out entirely, plunging the hallway into momentary darkness before flaring back to life with a hiss. "You’re lying." he hissed, though his voice lacked its usual conviction.
Eren shrugged, bouncing Lilith lightly as she gnawed on his sleeve with renewed vigor. "Am I?" he mused, deliberately vague. "Guess you'll find out in some more weeks." Eren said, smirking deviously before walking away with Lilith still in his arms.
And Levi... just stood there. Looking like war was knocking on his door and he was utterly unprepared for it.
......The End......