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“Welcome to another amazing summer of Love Island!” Meryl calls into the camera as it pulls back from a close-up of her face to take in the entirety of the Love Island villa.
Celebratory pop music blares from speakers surrounding the villa- a bright, open space consisting of a kitchen area, a fire pit, a pool, and some hidden alcoves for intimate discussions (and other intimate things). Bright neon lights that say things like “My type on paper” and “All the feels” light up the ivy-covered walls as a Jeep pulls up to the entrance. It stops perfectly centered under an overwhelmingly large flower arch and the door opens. The camera zooms in on a long, long leg stepping out onto the sidewalk. It pans up from the patent crimson heel, up a firm calf peeking out from a slit in a blood-red gossamer dress, to the angled face of a spikey-haired blonde.
“Welcome back to Love Island NML! We’ve once again gathered ten sexy singles that we’ve isolated from society entirely and put directly under the blazing Fiji summer sun! This will surely lead to a true love connection and no nervous breakdowns,” the heavy Scottish accent of the narrator bellows. “They’re also competing for the chance to win $100,000. Wow, you could get half a tank of gas with that! Let’s meet our first islander.”
The camera cuts to a blue-green void interview room where Vash sits cross legged and beaming.
“I’m Vash,” the blonde says to the camera. The shot shifts to him dancing an awkward Carlton move to the Sabrina Carpenter song playing in the background. “I’m a cancer. And I’m on Love Island to meet the love of my life!”
The music continues as Vash twirls in the interview room. His voiceover continues.
“I’d say I can be closed off; I definitely have my walls up! But, you know, a good connection can, hopefully, coax me out of my shell. I am worried that I’m probably the oldest person here.”
Another quick shot of Vash doing the sprinkler.
“Like I’m 27. My back hurts! So I just want to find a man that is like introverted and obedient.”
The scene shifts back to Vash’s slow-mo walk into the villa. He pops the bottle of champagne as other islanders get their intro and walk in. He has a smile on his face for all of the introductions, but the final islander catches his attention as they enter, despite him being mid-conversation. The camera zooms in on his eyes as they catch and something shifts in his smile, like it becomes warmer somehow. The islander he was talking to waves their hand in front of his face and he catches it absently by the wrist to move it out of the way.
The camera turns to show a man in a button-up shirt (with only the bottom button buttoned) and sensible dress shoes walking into the villa. He has a single red flower tucked into his breast pocket. His walk is so performatively casual that it actually demonstrates the opposite- he is clearly anxious.
A screen swipe shows Wolfwood alone in the same interview void room. He’s hunched in on himself.
“Can you take your shirt off?” a producer behind the camera asks.
“No,” Wolfwood answers, short.
“O-oh, that’s kind of, like, a major part of-“
“No.”
“Oookay, well, what’s your type?”
“Don’t have one,” he answers.
“So it’s more about personality for you?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never dated anyone.”
“Oh, so would you describe yourself as a player?”
“I’ve literally never flirted before in my life,” Wolfwood says. “I have a job.”
“A job modeling? Or DJing? Or selling bikinis?”
There’s a quick shot of Wolfwood standing awkwardly in the room while a different Sabrina song plays.
“No.”
“How did you even end up on this show?” the producer asks, irritation loud and clear.
“Brother,” Wolfwood says, showing the first sign of genuine emotion as he glares.
The camera returns to the lawn and Vash’s slack face. A few other islanders squeal at Wolfwood’s entrance. One goes for a hug that Wolfwood quickly swerves until he’s close enough to the bar to grab a glass of champagne which he immediately downs like a shot. As he sets it down he catches Vash’s eyes over the glass and freezes.
“Hi,” Vash breathes.
“Hi,” Wolfwood answers. He shuffles from foot to foot until settling closer to Vash around the table.
“I like your boutonniere,” Vash says, reaching a hand out to graze the flower with the tips of his fingers.
Wolfwood’s eyes track the movement hungrily. He visibly swallows. “Thanks. ‘s a geranium. Grew it in my garden at home.”
“Wow, that’s amazing! I love geraniums.”
Meryl, who had been there for every pre-show interview and saw how wooden and antisocial Wolfwood was, has dropped her mouth so wide in shock a producer has to ask her to shut it over her earpiece. She shakes herself before returning to her picture-perfect smile.
“Alright, well, everyone, before we get this summer started why don’t we go around and tell everyone our names and ages? Just to get the conversation flowing?”
The camera pans to each islander who gives a quick introduction and a little about themselves.
“-and I’m 22!” A beaming islander finishes their intro.
“22?” Wolfwood sneers. “You’re a baby, you still got breast milk on your grill.”
Meryl and the islanders are clearly offended and disgusted by this statement, except for one.
“O-oh! Well, I’m 27, so, I don’t really have breast milk on me anymore!” Vash says, proudly.
His statement draws Wolfwood’s attention back to him, and the two stare at each other for long enough for a quick commercial break to air. Everyone else in the villa (as well as producers watching from a remote location) are staring in horror, scared of what this connection may entail. The marketing team, however, immediately begins a promotional campaign utilizing the hashtag “freak4freak.” Everyone is so distracted, in fact, no one thinks to point out that Wolfwood himself is only 21.
“Ok, it is now time for you all to join me by the fire pit for the first coupling,” Meryl says after another quick mental pep-talk. She claps her hands as the group heads over to the area. Stock music with subtle lyrics such as “you know I like to play with fire” and “the fire of your love has set me ablaze” play as they all settle in their seats.
“Islanders, you all know how important coupling up on Love Island is. Being in a couple is the only way to ensure you stay at the villa. If you are single, you are vulnerable. What you don’t know is that NML has been busy voting for the past 24 hours on who they’d like to see coupled up,” Meryl explains. “That’s right- this first coupling is completely out of your hands. Once I’ve called your name, you’ll kiss to seal the deal, and then resit together at the fire pit.”
The camera shows the exaggeratedly shocked face of several islanders, as well as the genuinely shocked face of some. It is clear who is taking the show seriously versus who is here to get more Instagram followers. Wolfwood’s face remains impassive. There’s a quick cut to him in the confessional room.
“I don’t know what any of this means. Literally. Like I’ve never watched the show. Why’s she keep calling us islanders; we can’t even go to the beach?”
The scene returns to the fire pit. Meryl begins to read out each assigned couple, to their visible distaste or joy, until finally only two people are left single.
“Last but not least, Vash-“ A dramatic pause for tension. “-and Wolfwood. You are the final couple that NML has put together.”
Vash and Wolfwood, in some miracle of coordination, make eye contact over the fire and stand at the exact same time. They step around the other couple’s feet to meet in the middle. There is once again a commercial break level pause as they stare into each other’s eyes.
“May I?” Vash asks, lifting his arms near Wolfwood’s shoulders, who nods.
Vash uses the arms around Wolfwood to pull him closer until their foreheads touch. The other islanders’ blurry, confused faces can be seen in the background as the camera gets a close up of their faces.
“Can I kiss you?” Wolfwood asks so quietly that the editors had to put subtitles on to catch it.
“You- you literally have to?” Meryl says from off-camera. “Like it’s part of the-“
“Yes,” Vash breathes into Wolfwood’s lips as they meet in a kiss.
Every wet sound is caught by the microphones and seemingly amplified for the at-home viewer. It’s like listening to someone stir a particularly sticky syrup with a flimsy plastic spoon, or poorly mop an already wet floor. It’s unsettling for everyone except the two people involved.
“Ok, thank you, Vash and Wolfwood! That’s enough!” Meryl claps her hands repeatedly until finally they separate and sit down. Vash is sat so close as to nearly be in Wolfwood’s lap.
“Well. With that, my job for the night is done. Enjoy your couples and I’ll see you really soon! Trust me,” Meryl says with a wink. Dramatic music plays again as she exits the villa.
The couples all begin to mill about. There’s discussions about where everyone is from, where they’d like to go, what their ethnicity is, what music they like. No one knows where New Hampshire is or if England is part of the United Kingdom, but they all agree that they like all different types of music (except for country).
Vash and Wolfwood have moved to a sunken day bed in a hidden corner of the villa with “Soul Ties” written in neon, cursive lights above it. They are sprawled amongst many outdoor pillows and Vash is playing with Wolfwood’s fingers. They have known each other for a maximum of two hours, and that is a generous estimate.
“So, like, what are you looking for?” Vash asks, looking up from beneath his eyelids at Wolfwood.
“Husband,” Wolfwood states, quick with it.
“Really?” Vash eyes light up. He looks excited, but still slightly nervous.
“Absolutely. That’s why I signed up for, uh, Love Land-“
“Love Island.”
“Love Island, yeah.”
“But it’s weird, right? Because like, yeah, Fiji is an island, but it’s not like there’s a lot of island aspects here! There’s not even a beach! That’s always bugged me.”
Wolfwood has the starry-eyed look of a young man in love. Many producers are somewhere high-fiving.
The collected islanders start rounding up for bed. People are showering, brushing their hair, putting on pajamas. There’s a shot of Wolfwood carefully washing his face, brushing his teeth, swishing mouthwash, and then brushing his teeth again. Then, all the couples are wiggled together for bed.
“And at the end of day one, our couples are…“ the narrator announces, “-and Vash and Wolfwood.”
——
The opening shot of the next day shows the islanders stretching and waking up from their slumber. Vash is wearing an eye mask made to look like a little black cat and has sprawled on top of Wolfwood, drooling onto his chest. Wolfwood looks absolutely delighted as he rubs Vash’s back to wake him.
When Vash is finally awake, he presses a drowsy kiss to Wolfwood’s cheek and hops up to the getting ready room. He puts on a bikini that is 90% string. He is in the middle of slicking up his hair when the door opens.
“Here ya go,” Wolfwood says, setting a plate in front of Vash on his vanity. On it is a piece of perfectly golden toast with the perfect amount of avocado on it cut into the lopsided shape of a heart.
“Aw, you shouldn’t have!” Vash proclaims, but he lifts himself up to lean over the table until he can capture Wolfwood’s lips. The microphone picks up slick, wet spit sounds and unreasonably loud moaning for nine a.m.
The rest of the day shows Vash and Wolfwood kissing in various villa areas- Soul Ties, the fire pit, on the rowing machine, against the fridge. A few times Wolfwood is shown to refill his and Vash’s water bottles so that producers can show viewers that they are hydrated and as reasonably safe doing so as they can be. Vash gets a sunburn on his shoulders and Wolfwood generously applies sun screen and aloe vera before insisting they move to a shaded area. They are then shown kissing under a bright orange awning.
Amazingly, disturbingly, and mysteriously, the microphones seem to pick up words throughout the day in between their bitten moans and slick tongue noises. The producers highlight these words via subtitles along the bottom of the screen- “purple,” “apricots,” “cats.” The only conclusion that can be drawn is that they are somehow having a conversation this way, through mouth-to-mouth spit-swapping. Cut to a Vash confessional:
“I mean, it’s the universal language, right?” he says sheepishly. He has five hickies on the left side of his neck alone.
“I’ve loved getting to know Vash,” Wolfwood says in his confessional, proudly. He is sprawled with his arms back on the couch. He looks completely douchey and is saved only by the fact that everyone knows for a fact he is a huge virgin that has never been kissed before.
——
Ten islanders are stood on either side of a cheap cardboard cutout plane with a bouncy slide protruding from its side. Half are dressed in scandalously short flight attendant dresses and the other half are in bikinis.
“Today’s challenge is easy!” the narrator announces. “All the islander has to do is slide down the oiled emergency plane landing slide into the water, grab their partner to swim them to safety, and then give them emergency ‘CPR’ with tongue and whip cream! The couple that makes it to land fastest wins!”
Vash has tied the white button up of his flight attendant top into a crop top. Wolfwood is obviously not listening to any of the instructions as he maneuvers around to try to stand with peak visibility down Vash’s shirt. Thankfully, he is in the role of the drowning partner, so little is required of him.
Vash, meanwhile, has reached the top of the landing slide. He goes down it on his stomach, flipping midway down until he lands on his back with his ass in the air and legs spread on either side of his head. The visual is enough motivation to have the previously ‘drowning’ Wolfwood immediately exit the water and scoop Vash up into his arms. He sets Vash down on the deck and immediately starts giving him CPR with his whole tongue. One of Vash’s arms gropes Wolfwood’s breast while the other flails to the side before someone takes pity and kicks the can of whip cream closer to them. It is a disaster as Vash tries to bring the nozzle to their faces and instead successfully coats their heads in whip cream before giving up. Meryl has to enter the villa with a blow horn to get them to release each other.
——
As night falls, scenes of the islanders getting ready for the evening are shown. Vash turns in front of the full-length mirror to check out the exposed back of his dress. Wolfwood artfully tussles his hair. A couple islanders are shown crying in the corner of the getting ready room, mascara dripping down their faces. One man is psyching himself up in the corner with a sports movie speech.
Finally ready, Vash and half of the islanders make their way down the stairs to the waiting other half of their couple. Wolfwood is shown at the bottom of the stairs, leering up at him.
“You look amazin’,” he says as Vash reaches the landing. He holds out an arm for Vash to grab so he can help him down. Vash wobbles in his heels on the slightly uneven wooden deck, so Wolfwood wraps a hand around his waist and slows his pace to walk them forward until they’re at a seat.
“You look so nice,” Vash says, toying with the hem of Wolfwood’s shirt. “You dressed up- two buttons!”
As Wolfwood huffs a laugh, screams can be heard from the other side of the villa. A man is counting points on his fingers while a woman rolls her eyes. One woman is giving a group two middle fingers. A man has jumped into the pool to hide under the waterfall feature.
—-
Vash is in the water, holding himself up on the edge to talk to Wolfwood who is sitting nearby in a deck chair. Their conversation can’t be heard as dramatic music starts playing in the background. Suddenly, a small chime goes off. Wolfwood does not notice and continues talking. The chime goes off again. The dramatic music stops.
“Do you hear something?” Vash asks.
“No,” Wolfwood answers.
The chiming continues back-to-back until it is unignorable.
“Shit,” Wolfwood curses. He pulls a phone from his swim trunk pocket.
“Oooh! Wolfwood got a teeeext!” Vash yells. He is clearly trying to take joy in being able to say the show’s catchphrase but is anxious about Wolfwood being the receiver.
Wolfwood presses the silence button on the phone and sets it down on the ground beside him. He tries to continue their conversation. Vash laughs, genuine and charmed.
“No, Wolfwood! You- you have to read it!”
Wolfwood grunts, but picks up the phone anyway. His eyes skim the message before dropping the phone again. Vash’s laugh rings out as he throws his head back. Wolfwood is entranced.
“Here, gimme,” Vash says, pushing himself out of the water.
Wolfwood does absolutely nothing as his jaw works and his eyes widen watching water drip down Vash’s stomach. He licks his lips.
“Islanders, it sure is getting hot. We’ve got something to make it even hotter. #letscooloff #keepyourcool” Vash reads aloud.
He bites his lip, worried. The dramatic music restarts- “oh, I’m here to wreck your love! I am enough!” Again, the song is quite bad. However, it is slightly saved by the sight of the most gorgeous woman in the world walking in to the villa. She waves flirtatiously to all the islanders as she enters. The bombshell stalks down the deck with the confidence and grace of a Victoria’s Secret model. In fact, she was one for a summer before she decided it was too much work. She stops in front of Wolfwood, who has once again tried to continue his conversation with Vash.
“‘m just sayin’ you can’t underestimate the importance of proper foot wear-“
The bombshell clears her throat.
“Where’s all your weight goin’ all day? On your feet! And you got your heels on stilts, that ain’t right!”
She clears her throat louder. Vash, who had gleefully decided to follow Wolfwood’s lead in ignoring her, accidentally flicks his eyes to her at the noise. This catches Wolfwood’s attention. He turns to look at what has distracted Vash from him and sees the woman.
“Oh, hey, Katie. See, Vash! Look at her heels! She’s gonna get plantar fasciitis!”
Bombshell looks down at her feet, then looks up at Wolfwood, aghast.
“I’m not Katie,” she says.
“Wha’? Sure ya are!” Wolfwood responds. “Brown hair, two eyes- that’s Katie! Or are you Rebecca? Sorry, we should all really have name tags.”
“Names are written on our water bottles,” Vash points out, wiggling his in front of him.
“You need more water?” Wolfwood asks, going to stand up.
“Oh, uh-“
The bombshell senses her opening.
“Can I pull you for a chat?” she asks, voice sultry.
“Huh? Oh, sure, we can talk on the way to the water fountain,” Wolfwood answers.
He grabs Vash’s water bottle and pops a quick kiss to the top of his head. Vash looks forlorn, but he has also looked that way every time Wolfwood has had to be more than two feet away from him, so Wolfwood can be forgiven for not noticing the difference.
Bombshell wraps her hand around Wolfwood’s arm as they walk away. He allows it since- as previously mentioned- he does worry about everyone in their pumps walking around on the grass and decking.
“So, what’s your type?” she asks.
“O negative,” Wolfwood responds. At her confused look, he elaborates with a thumb jerk to his chest. “Universal donor.”
“Oh, you’re sooo funny!” The woman laughs, slapping his chest. “I mean, what do you like?”
“Oh, um,” Wolfwood shoves Vash’s water under the spigot and looks to the side while he thinks. “I like my garden.”
Her grimace makes it clear this is like pulling teeth. She is reminded of the important instructions that the producers gave her to break up this couple, but is genuinely not sure if these painful conversations are worth being in the running for $100,000.
“Really? Wow, I love a man who knows how to work with his hands,” she says, rubbing up his arms.
The camera cuts back to Vash who is trying to hide his misty eyes from his spying space on the balcony. Another islander comes to sit next to him and rub his back and that finally breaks his hold on his tears.
“They both have a lot in common like they both have blood and they both like fucking plants,” Vash sobs. He rubs a hand on his forehead. “Like I like plants but I can’t name all the fucking plants! Like, fuck, do I need to go study fucking plants?!” He looks to the woman next to him with large eyes. “Cause I will go study some stupid ass fucking plants- hiccup-“ He deflates. “But I like plants they’re not stupid, you know? I’m just upset.”
“Shh, all you can do is be confident in you and-“
“No, I just wish I knew plants- we’re talking about plants!” Vash has snot dribbling down his nose.
“Oh, ok, um,” The woman looks terrified. “Well, maybe go in with talking about bonsai plants? They’re easy!”
Vash sniffles before bursting into renewed tears.
“Bonsaaaai,” he sobs.
His cry grabs Wolfwood’s attention from where he is across the villa at the water station. He quickly screws the lid on the bottle, locates the source of the sound, and heads upstairs to Vash. In the background, the bombshell can be seen throwing her hands in the air, but she is quickly swarmed by half of the island trying to grab her attention.
“It looks like the new bombshell has energized Wolfwood to take his and Vash’s relationship to the next level!” The voiceover pauses. “Get it? Because they’re upstairs”
The next shot is of the woman who was comforting Vash glaring at Wolfwood as she gets up to leave them to talk. Vash has hastily wiped the tears from his eyes and is looking off into the distance, trying poorly to look unaffected.
“Hey,” Wolfwood says. He is fiddling with Vash’s water bottle in his hand as he stands in front of him. “Can I sit?”
“It’s a free villa,” Vash shrugs.
Wolfwood sits awkwardly on the edge of the seat. He looks chastised.
“You know I only got eyes for you,” Wolfwood says.
Vash humphs.
“Ya’ know, we’re here to find love and… I found it, so,” Wolfwood shrugs his shoulders up to his ears as Vash looks over at him. Wolfwood’s ears are tipped red.
“Really?” Vash asks, looking hopeful.
Wolfwood is reinvigorated by having Vash’s eyes on him. He turns to face him and hesitantly slides a hand between Vash’s. Vash allows it.
“I think you know where my head is at,” Wolfwood says, staring into Vash’s eyes.
“Say it,” Vash demands. He is immensely smug.
“I want you,” Wolfwood whispers.
“Ok.” Vash’s face is all blush.
“I need you.” Wolfwood presses a kiss to Vash’s ear.
As he pulls back, the camera shows their matching, beaming smiles. Somewhere, many producers are throwing their pens.
That night, as the voiceover summarizes the couples, we see Vash and Wolfwood sneaking out of their bed and into the Soul Ties nap pit. They wrap up together under a light blanket. The night vision camera is too powerful and every slick tongue can be seen. It shows Wolfwood kiss his way down Vash’s chest until his entire body is beneath the blanket. Thankfully, they have forgotten their microphones in their bedroom, but Vash’s thrown back head is so blissful the audience feels like they can hear it regardless.
——
“For this challenge,” Meryl begins. “We have cards with confessions you’ve all made. You must kiss the islander that you believe is guilty of the confession.”
Wolfwood walks up to the podium and grabs a card.
“This islander once did Terminator role play,” he says, flatly.
He swaggers over to Vash who he kisses with the passion of someone returning from war rather than a man who has only gone twenty minutes without kissing.
“Nope,” Vash says into Wolfwood’s mouth, popping the ‘p.’
The scene cuts to a confessional where Vash is sitting on Wolfwood’s lap. Wolfwood’s arms are wrapped around Vash’s hips and pulling him closer.
“I’ve never even seen The Terminator,” Vash shrugs.
“Obviously,” Wolfwood says.
The camera returns to the game where it’s now Vash’s turn.
“This islander is not a natural blonde,” Vash reads.
He skips over to Wolfwood before jumping into his arms and kissing him. Wolfwood swings him back and forth.
“Not me,” Wolfwood answers, before returning to the kiss.
There is a loud slap sound as an islander smacks their hand with their face.
“Vash, Wolfwood,” Meryl interrupts. There is a desuction noise as they release each other. “You can’t just pick each other as the answer as an excuse to kiss.”
“Where’s that written in the rules?” Wolfwood asks, looking disgruntled.
“There aren’t written rules,” Meryl responds flatly. “This is a kissing game.”
“And we’re kissin’. You’re welcome,” Wolfwood answers. He finally sets Vash down but keeps his arms around him.
The producers glare daggers at the screens. One producer snaps a clipboard in half.
——
As the preparing for bedtime montage plays, the cameras show islanders brushing their teeth, washing their face, and Vash and Wolfwood sneaking into the same shower, shushing each other and giggling as they kiss.
——
It’s morning. A text alarm sounds to the screams of all the islanders in the getting ready room. One of the women picks up her phone to read the text aloud.
“Islanders, pack your bags immediately and head to the exit. It’s time to test your connections. #isitreal #casaamor.”
Immediately the islanders scream at a decibel unfit for human ears. They jump up and down together in a mess of held hands before separating to their closets to start packing. As the room empties, Vash is left behind, sat on the stool in front of his vanity mirror, eyes teary. He hadn’t moved once during the reading.
“Um, it’s crazy we’re already at Casa Amor,” Vash says in his confessional, wiping his arm across his face. “And I’m excited for the girls, because I know a lot of them are still looking to find that connection.”
There’s a weighty pause before an unsteady breath.
“But I’m not ready to leave Wolfwood,” Vash continues, volume increasing and breaking into a wail.
The camera cuts to various shots of women loading up their suitcases into the limo at the front of the villa. One shot shows Vash leaving a raggedy stuffed thoma onto the bed with a note with ‘Wolfwood’ written in scratchy cursive before he tearfully leaves the room.
Shortly after, we see Wolfwood enter the getting ready room with his daily avocado toast delivery. He’s alarmed by the emptiness and calls down to the other islanders that half of them are gone. Clips show them all racing around the villa looking for the other half of their couple before they realize what this means- Casa Amor!! They slap each other on the back and run around screaming. Except for Wolfwood, who is seen clutching Vash’s stuffed thoma to his chest. The camera can’t capture his face, but it can capture tears falling onto the page he’s reading.
“Nah, that letter ‘s just for me and him,” Wolfwood says in his confessional. His eyes are still bloodshot and swollen. He looks gutted and horrible.
——
The camera zooms out to show a new group of people entering the villa, all dressed in beautiful swimsuits like they just popped out of the ocean as mermaids that grew legs. One woman is especially tall and smiley.
“Hiiii, I’m Milly!” she says in her confessional. “And I’m here to find love! Although, I do already have my eye on someone.” She wiggles her eyebrows.
Milly is shown separating from the group to find a despondent Wolfwood lying face down in Soul Ties. He looks like he is smelling the pillow to find a trace of leftover scent. It’s very pathetic. She tiptoes forward.
“Wolfwood?” she asks.
Wolfwood makes a grumbling noise into the fabric.
“Hello! I’m Milly!” She scuffles over the rim of the bed to sit cross-legged beside him. “I got to watch the show so far. I bet you miss Vash terrible, huh?”
Wolfwood makes a sound akin to a lost whale.
“Uh-huh,” Milly answers, patting his head. She is visibly disturbed by the grease build-up there before wiping it off on the blanket beside her. “You know, Wolfwood, I think you’re a real loyal guy. I get that, ‘cause I’m the same! I was wondering if- in the name of true love- you might help me with something?”
Wolfwood peers open an eye to look at her flatly.
“Think of it this way- it gives you something to distract you until Vash comes back!”
Wolfwood’s eye swivels up as if thinking about it before he grumbles an affirmative. Strangely, shortly after that, both of their microphones fizzle out and stop working.
——
Vash is shown lying out on a lounge chair with sunglasses on and his legs crossed. No Casa Amor islander has been able to get within ten feet of him without getting sprayed with a water bottle. If that was not enough to dissuade them, he has collected all of the citrus fruits from the kitchen to use as projectiles. A chime sounds.
“Oh!” Vash reaches over to grab his phone from the side table. “I got a teeeext!”
The villa islanders- who have been deemed safe- all huddle around him.
“Love sure is in the air…and the pool… and the beds… #loyaltytested #howclosecanyouget” Vash reads.
Another chime goes off and the man closest to him pulls out his phone. A video has been sent. The man hits play and various scenes of the islanders left behind kissing, grinding, and humping are shown. Each islander takes turns being outraged until it gets to Wolfwood’s scene. He is shown lying in Soul Ties very close to Milly who is lying next to him. She is whispering into his ear as he nods. At one point, he laughs and she pushes at his shoulder.
——
“Tomorrow night…” the narrator begins, ominous and slow. “-a relationship…hits the rocks…”
There’s a flash of a red-faced Vash storming across the villa. Milly chases him holding up her strapless dress with her arms as she runs. Cut to Wolfwood looking distraught as he stares out over the water.
——
Half of the islanders are stood around the fire pit. The camera zooms in on Wolfwood’s eager, but nervous, face and his hands clutching a bedraggled thoma stuffed animal. Next to him, sat happily, is Milly.
“Islanders, it’s time…once again… to recouple. Has your partner stayed true? Or have they found…someone…new?” Meryl asks, full of dramatic pauses. “Wolfwood, you have decided to couple up with the beautiful Milly.” Her eyes flutter to Milly before quickly looking away. “This means if Vash comes back from Casa Amor and has not recoupled, he will be single… and vulnerable. Shall we see what he’s done?”
Dramatic, bad music plays- “baby, what have you done, you’ve ruined us”- as Vash steps into frame from around the corner. He is once again wearing a crazy sexy revenge dress of criss-cross straps and miles of skin, skin, skin. He looks outrageously pissed. He is el diablo mode. When he catches sight of Wolfwood with Milly next to him, he lets out an infuriated laugh. He keeps walking, schooling his face so his smile stays but his eyes look insane.
Vash finally reaches Meryl. She reaches out a hand to pat on his arm which he grabs and squeezes in thanks.
“Vash,” Meryl begins. “As you can see, Wolfwood has elected to recouple. Since you have chosen to return from Casa Amor alone… you are now single…and vulnerable.”
The camera zooms in on Vash’s face. He shakes his head in disbelief and rolls his eyes.
“Can- can I say something? To explain?” Wolfwood asks. Sweat visibly drips down his temples.
“Vash, do you want to hear him out?” Meryl asks, looking pityingly at Vash.
“No.”
“Vash, please, I can-“
“No. You made your bed, now hump in it,” Vash says, clapping on each word.
He walks over to Wolfwood and grabs back his stuffed animal. As he sits on the opposite side of the fire pit, he shushes at the stuffy and kisses its forehead. As he turns his head, he sneaks a swipe at his eye. In the background, Wolfwood is seen doing the same.
The other couples proceed through their drama. Many scream, many kiss, many scream and kiss. Vash and Wolfwood are disassociating. Milly is biting her nails nervously until Meryl turns to her and she then smiles widely and gives a finger fluttering wave. Meryl blushes before shaking herself back to host-mode.
“And with that, everyone has recoupled. Those of you that are single, you are vulnerable to elimination from the island. I’ll be in contact again very soon.”
Meryl dramatically twirls and exits the villa. The camera may pick up a shot of her looking back, but it quickly shifts to the fire pit where Vash stands immediately.
“Vash! Wait-“ Wolfwood calls to him.
“You are a piece of shit,” Vash says, high heels stomping on the wood decking.
“Ok, let’s talk about why I’m a piece of shit! Let’s have our one-on-one,” Wolfwood calls back, reaching out for him, but Vash keeps walking.
“He’s frustrated, I think he’s frustrated,” the most oblivious person in the world says to no one from the side.
“Go talk to him,” Milly insists, pushing at Wolfwood’s hips.
“He doesn’t want to talk to me,” Wolfwood says, rubbing his face.
“Ya’ll are gonna have to hear me!” Vash yells from off camera. He kicks a chair over. “You’re full of shit! You’re disrespectful as fuck, you’re putting on a show-“ Vash claps sarcastically. “-bravo! It is fucked up.”
“I mean, think about it, dude,” the same oblivious man from before says. He sounds disapproving. “Is that really how you want your future wife to act?”
Wolfwood looks at him aghast.
“Yes, man,” he answers. This idiocy seems to finally shake Wolfwood into action and he leaves the fire pit to chase after Vash.
“Vash-“
“Get away from me, Wolfwood- go get your girl!”
Wolfwood finally reaches Vash and trails after looking contrite with his hands in his pocket.
“Please, Vash, tell me how you feel-“
“Oh, I’ve told you quiiite a bit-“
“Please, this is why I wanted to talk to you! Please, tell me how you feel-“
“No!”
Dramatic music gets louder in the background- “I think I’m going fucking crazy.” Scene after scene shows Vash running around the villa. At one point Milly chases after him into a shadowed corner.
“Milly, I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re very nice, but I can’t-“
Milly anxiously says something we can’t hear. Vash looks irritated and confused. This takes the slightest bit of winds out of his sales before he walks away to continue his completely understandable tirade.
After several hours of continued back and forth, Vash finally collapses on a puffy couch. He drops his head in his hands. Someone’s hand enters from the corner of the screen holding Vash’s water bottle.
“Can I sit?” Wolfwood asks.
Vash glares from beneath his eyebrows at Wolfwood, but takes the water bottle. After taking a long pull, he nods. He refuses to meet Wolfwood’s eyes. Eventually, Wolfwood sighs.
“I wanna make amends with you,” Wolfwood whispers. He rests his elbows on his knees so he can scoot closer to Vash. “I promise, we did not do anythin’ together. Everythin’ for me is ‘bout you and me together. Please lemme tell you what I told her and she told me- that even though they called it a recouplin’, ‘s not recouplin’ for us.”
Vash has his eyes down. “You knew how I felt about you. I thought you felt the same way.”
“I do,” Wolfwood gasps. He reaches his hands out to grab Vash’s. He squeezes it. A couple tears roll down his cheeks. “Please, lemme make this up to you.”
That night, the camera shows Vash lying outside alone in Soul Ties. Milly is shown tiptoeing into the bed. She gestures to ask if she can come in. Vash reluctantly nods. They have a long conversation, again, but, at the end, Vash wraps his arms around her. Milly then lays down in Soul Ties and Vash returns to bed with Wolfwood, who hasn’t slept a wink. He sees Vash who crawls onto his lap and kisses him. Wolfwood’s face is full of relief and devotion as he pulls him closer.
“It’s been a difficult evening for the populace of the villa,” the voiceover begins. “-full of the trials and tribulations of the human heart. Or as I believe William Shakespeare put it-“
“What a fuckin’ night,” Milly groans into her pillow.
——
“The end of the day couples are-“ The voiceover barely hides his exasperated sigh as he gets to the end of the list. “-and, yes, still Vash and Wolfwood.”
The night vision camera shows a blanket pulled over the entirety of the bed and much shifting underneath it.
——
At the next recoupling, Wolfwood is standing up by the fire pit.
“It’s time for Wolfwood to make his decision on who he wants to couple up with. He’s been coupled up with Vash since day one, but he’s had a rocky road since bringing Milly back from Casa Amor. Whoever he doesn’t choose, may be left single and vulnerable. Just like me in my twenties,” the voiceover announces.
“The person I want to couple up with has been real patient with me. I can’t imagine bein’ here without him. And I hope that I can spend the rest of our time here- and the rest of our lives- provin’ how much I- “ Wolfwood swallows thickly. “I love him.”
Everyone gasps. Mouths drop. Vash has his hands over his mouth in shock.
“I love you, Vash,” Wolfwood whispers.
Vash runs into Wolfwood’s arms, who gathers him closer. They kiss with full open tongue all over each other’s faces. Many gifs are made of the moment Vash’s tongue goes up Wolfwood’s nostril.
——
“I gotta teeeeext!”
Vash and Wolfwood are laid out on a sun bed kissing and whispering to each other. They separate at the other islander’s yell to listen in.
“Islanders, it’s time for a lucky couple to get lucky…#hideaway #truelovecantwait”
There’s no pause as all of the islanders yell out, “Vash and Wolfwood!!”
“Honestly, I voted for them to go just so I could get a break,” an islander says to the camera in their confessional. They have noticeably more eye bags than they did at the start of the show. “I just need one night of good sleep where they aren’t hooking up two feet from me.”
Vash and Wolfwood look excitedly at each other. Wolfwood squeezes Vash close and topples them over into the grass. They roll around for a moment, kissing, before the other islanders come and separate them. Half of the island takes Vash to the get ready room and the other half take Wolfwood to the bedrooms. A montage shows the girls helping Vash pick out a lingerie set and the boys hold up different shorts for Wolfwood to peruse.
“You look so sexy,” an islander says, shaking Vash’s shoulders. “Wolfwood is going to lose his mind!”
“Oh, stop,” Vash says, but he also spins around in the mirror to admire himself from all angles, to the laughter of the girls.
The camera cuts to Vash walking down the stairwell to a waiting Wolfwood.
“Wow, Vash looks like he’s strutting down the runway on the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show,” the voiceover says. “And Wolfwood looks like he’s walking down the hallway to meet his Door Dash driver.”
Wolfwood hands a flower to Vash before lifting him up in a bridal carry and spinning him. The other islanders wave and cheer as they walk into the hideaway.
The camera pans to the shelves on one wall of the hideaway where handcuffs, feathers, lingerie, and other paraphernalia are stacked. Vash and Wolfwood do not notice any of these materials as they’re too busy taking off everything they just spent hours carefully putting on.
——
“Welcome back to Love Island NML. Where the islanders’ morning routine is just like yours and mine: Wake up, have a stretch, and put on your broadcast-quality microphone!”
Throughout the day, several shots of Wolfwood looking anxious are shown. He smiles beatifically every time Vash’s gaze settles on him, but when Vash turns he gnaws at his nails. When Vash goes for a swim, Wolfwood is seen whispering with Milly and the other islanders.
That evening, Wolfwood dresses up especially nice- he has three buttons buttoned. When Vash and the other islanders get to the stairs that evening, Wolfwood holds out his arm at the top so that Vash can wrap his hand around his elbow. He waits patiently at each step as Vash carefully makes his way down the stairs in his towering heels. When they reach the bottom, Vash pecks a kiss to the top of Wolfwood’s head.
He’s so focused on looking at Wolfwood’s cute, blushy face that he doesn’t notice Wolfwood leading them to a table set up in the middle of the lawn. Vash’s chin drops in surprise. Wolfwood looks at him nervously before letting Vash drag him towards the table. Vash pulls out Wolfwood’s chair, who sits down at the same time he kisses Vash’s cheek. The camera cuts to the islanders on the balcony looking down at them.
“It’s sickening,” one islander fake gags.
“It’s sweet,” Milly interrupts, sighing as she lays her head on her folded arms.
The camera returns to show Vash and Wolfwood tucking in to their dinner.
“So,” Vash begins. “Is there a reason for this special occasion?”
Wolfwood swallows his bite. He holds his hand up to his mouth. It’s shaking.
“Um,” Wolfwood says.
“Hey,” Vash says, grabbing Wolfwood’s free hand. “It’s just me.”
Gentle piano music starts playing in the background. Wolfwood looks appreciatively at Vash, but uses his other hand to tug gently at Vash’s microphone’s lanyard.
“Oh, well, and our millions of fans,” Vash laughs.
“Ya think we got fans?” Wolfwood asks, his eyebrow raise in disbelief.
“Well, probably millions of people whose nerves we get on is more accurate,” Vash laughs.
Wolfwood drops his head to smile. He pauses for a second and then gathers up his strength.
“Vash, we’ve known each other for six weeks now,” Wolfwood starts. “It’s changed my life.”
The camera zooms in on their clasped hands.
“I, um, have realized after- after Casa Amor, that I can’t be without you. And I don’t wanna ‘nother bombshell to come in ‘ere and have you thinkin’ I’m givin’ them the time of day. So…”
A tear drops down Vash’s cheek. He’s beaming. Wolfwood leans over the table to kiss the back of Vash’s hand.
“Vash Saverem, will you be my boyfrien-“
“Yes, I’ll marry you,” Vash answers, immediately.
They both freeze in shock. Dramatic, pulsing beats play in the background as they stare at each other. Probably, the scene is edited to be even longer than it really is, because, when it finally ends, Wolfwood stands up from his chair to round the table and pull Vash isn’t his arms and kiss him so hard he bends backwards.
“Yesh, yesh,” Wolfwood mumbles into his mouth. “Love you.”
“I love you,” Vash says, grinning into Wolfwood’s mouth.
They settle into pecking kisses before Wolfwood turns and looks up to the other islanders.
“He said yes!” Wolfwood yells at them, thrusting a fist in the air.
The islanders all hoot and jump up and down on the balcony, ecstatic. Vash giggles as he hides his face in Wolfwood’s shoulder. The producers are all open mouth shocked staring at their screens.
——
“I gotta teeeext! Islanders, it’s time to see if you’re ready for the next stage- who’s ready for parenthood? #babyfever #parenthoodparty.”
“They’ve just been born and they’re bringing them into direct sunlight?? Like they haven’t got a clue,” Wolfwood states, irritatedly bouncing their baby on his shoulder as he looks over the other islanders carrying their babies into the pool.
“This is his favorite toy,” Vash coos, holding a rattle up to the baby’s plastic face. He makes a little whine sound. “…Actually, it’s making me emotional.”
“Aw, baby.” Wolfwood shushes him as he wraps a hand around Vash’s head to pull him into his shoulder. Vash hugs Wolfwood closer by the hips.
“We’ve got a baby,” Vash sniffles into his neck, microphone muffled by their proximity.
——
The three final couples are stood in front of the pool reflecting sparkling lights. The other two couples look nervous, but Vash and Wolfwood only have eyes for each other. Their hands are locked tight.
“No Man’s Land has voted…” Meryl says dramatically from her podium. “And the couple in third place is… Vash and Wolfwood!”
After the second and first place couple are announced, celebratory confetti and music fall upon the villa. Vash tugs Wolfwood up to the edge of the pool and jumps in. Over the final joyous beats of the last truly awful song- “love is in the air, love is everywhere”- the camera shows the two of them sharing a chlorine-soaked kiss as they come up for air.
——
“Welcome to the Love Island NML reunion! I’m here today with third place winners, Vash and Wolfwood! Gentleman, how is life after the villa going?”
Vash has his legs thrown over Wolfwood’s lap. Wolfwood has an arm around Vash’s shoulder. Their outfits are matching. Vash, for the first time we’ve ever seen him, is wearing sensible shoes.
“It’s been the best time of my life,” Wolfwood says, rolling his head to look at Vash. His smile is completely besotted.
“Vash?” Meryl prompts.
“I feel the same,” Vash says, wiping a thumb over Wolfwood’s lips. It’s like they’re in their own little world; just them and the millions of people whose nerves they get on.
“Has anything new happened since we last saw you?”
“Well,” Vash drawls. “We eloped!”
“Oh my gosh!” Meryl says. The entire audience cheers. “Congratulations! That’s amazing!”
Vash looks at Wolfwood. There’s some kind of communication happening through their eyes.
“And…we’re pregnant!”
The audience stops their celebration in shock before yelling even louder. Everyone takes out their phones to share this on their social media even though it was strictly prohibited. Wolfwood looks unreasonably smug yet again, even as he partially hides his face in Vash’s exposed shoulder. He kisses the skin there as Vash pets his head and looks at him adoringly.
“Wow, well dare I say, this is the biggest reunion news we’ve ever gotten!” Meryl says, as everything calms down. She fans herself with her notecards.
“Oh, really, Meryl?” Vash asks, giving her a knowing look.
“Yes,” she answers, slowly. She looks a little confused.
“Hmm,” Vash hums. “Well, what about the news about who you’ve been seeing?”
“Vash.” Meryl glares.
Vash throws his hands up.
“Sorry, sorry, not public info yet, I get it. Just thought, you know, you’re so invested in our love story, maybe you’d share a bit of yours!”
“The price of doing business, I suppose,” Meryl mumbles.
“Especially since that person specifically came on the show just to meet you! And nearly caused me to set the villa on fire to do it…”
The crowd erupts in noise, whispering to the person next to them. Meryl hides her face in her hands.
“Ugh, I was going to do this later, but, everyone, please welcome the person I’m coupled up with- Milly, come on out!”
The producers quickly scramble to play a thematic stock song; it blares out of the speaker- “I came here for love!”