Chapter Text
Living in a household where you go to church every Sunday, pray before meals, pray to God almost everyday, follow the bible, wear a cross necklace everyday,.
There was one… thing that didn’t exactly sit right with Mark. The way that whenever his parents or anyone in his family in general sees someone… How do you say this?
Out of the ordinary.
That was how the latter can explain it. He was only nine when he first saw his family discriminating against someone for being “abnormal”. People who had tattoos. People who had dyed hair for some reason. People who wore ‘unmodest’ outfits out in public. Especially people who are holding hands of the same gender with them. Let alone kiss.
His family would stare down at them. Would make a disgusted face. Would whisper to the relative beside them, insulting the person.
“How disgusting.”
“What a disgrace to his family for kissing a boy.”
“God never intended to make humans that way.”
“I wonder what her mother feels after knowing that her daughter is kissing a girl.”
During those times, Mark always wondered: why?
Why would they do that? Why do they act disgusted when people are only showing love? Why act like loving someone that you aren’t used to is bad? Is loving someone that way bad? Usually at times, Mark would just brush it off. Maybe they don’t really mean it in a very bad way… like maybe there was something wrong with being like that.
As any nine-year old would do: he tugged the sleeve of his mother after hearing another hurl of insults towards a group of teenagers together with their partners: a girl holding another girl’s hand, a boy caressing another boy’s cheek tenderly with love.
“Mom, why is that bad?” Little Mark asked his mother, who only sighs before replying quietly in a way the group of teenagers couldn’t hear, “Because honey, it’s a sin. God intended that women, like mom, love men, like dad to love each other. He didn’t intend for women to love women and men to love men. Okay, honey? Now, don’t look at them. I don’t want you to get ideas.” Mark’s mother finished in a tone that hinted at disgust at the end as she hurriedly gently pulled Mark away from the group while Mark stole a glance at them before continuing to walk with his family.
That was what Mark believed ever since he was nine. Until the first day of middle school happened. There was this boy who was undeniably beautiful. He had that sunkissed skin that would look so shiny whenever the sun hit directly at him. Curly hair that looked so soft and most likely smelled something so sweet with the way the color would look similarly to chocolate, Mark thinks. If he could recall, the boy’s name was:
Donghyuck.
It suited him. At least that’s what Mark thinks or maybe it is just his head messing with him right now with how pretty Donghyuck is in his perspective. I mean… who wouldn’t? Not only the boy was beautiful, he is kind, witty, soft hearted, passionate, and someone you could describe as the sun as of how he brings the light in any room that he enters
From that day on, he felt something flutter out of his heart. He does not know what it was but, somehow, it made him feel emotions that he hasn’t ever felt until now.
So he tried telling his mother about that day after coming home from school. His mother was already preparing dinner in the kitchen. Normal stuff. Mark dropped his bag on the couch of the living room before entering the dining table to set up the table after greeting his mother. Comfortable silence filled the room.
Until Mark coughed lightly before asking: “Mom, can a boy be pretty?”
For a while, Mark’s mother was silent until she finally spoke back, “What made you think that, honey?”
Now Mark has a blush on his face, the tip of his ears bright red as he stammered “Just that… um… There was this boy from school…” The young boy started but immediately stopped when he saw his mother frozen on the spot.
Did he say something wrong? Wh— Mark thought wildly in his mind wondering what he said or did to upset his mother that finally stopped when he heard her voice once again.
“What do you mean pretty? Sweetheart, I think you mean handsome.” She said as she continued to cut the vegetables on the cutting board as she unknowingly made her voice a bit louder as she spoke that made Mark flinch a little.
“Boys can’t be pretty, Mark. Pretty is what you call girls. You know that.”
Mark gulped as he tried to reply to his mother but immediately got cut, “But, mom, he is pretty like a girl with how soft he looks—”. “Mark Lee.” His mother loudly called out as she slammed the knife down, looking at her son who stood there beside the half-ready made dinner table shaken in fear since this is the first time in a while that he had heard his mother yell at him.
His mother sighed before cleaning off the vegetables that got on her hands and walking up to her son. “Mark, honey, maybe you were mistaken earlier. Okay? Pretty is what we call girls, not boys. Got it?” She said as she stroked her son’s hair gently before pausing and continued, “Who gave you that idea?”
Now, Mark was just staring at the floor, refusing to meet his mother’s eyes, “N-no one.”
His mother only stroked his hair one last time before backing up, “from now on, Mark, I don’t want to hear any more of this… nonsense. Do you hear me? I did not raise you to think like that. Okay? By the way, we will be going to church tomorrow as it is Sunday. Your father is almost here so you better finish setting up the table.” she said sternly.
“Yes, mom.” Mark only mumbled before he stiffly finished setting up the dining table.
From that day on as well, he started to bury his feelings and started to feel something to what he thought would make it go away or make things a bit better: resentment; and maybe guilt… but Mark would never admit that.
Ever since that conversation with his mother, Mark started to act a bit differently. He started to see everyone that was queer, people who acted even the slightest to being queer, girls who acted masculine or looked masculine, people who are openly supportive of people who are in the minority, people who seemed indifferent in his eyes, and especially boys who acted or looked feminine sinful.
Especially the boys who are feminine looking or acting feminine. He hated them. Especially Donghyuck.
Whenever the boy would interact, or even walk up to Mark— Mark would do either of the following:
Glare at Donghyuck
Say something rude towards Donghyuck
Be passively aggressive towards Donghyuck
Laugh at Donghyuck
Insult Donghyuck right at his face before saying no
Or all of the above
But deep down at the bottom of his heart and the back of his mind, “Donghyuckie, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for saying that to you. Please forgive me. Please forgive me for laughing, glaring, and insulting you. Please.”
Despite that, Donghyuck kept trying and trying. He was determined to befriend Mark despite the other boy practically bullying him just for looking feminine, having girls as friends, and acting feminine as well.
Donghyuck never stopped trying even when it already looks like a dead end case since the start that some of their classmates are already asking others why Donghyuck is even doing this.
Simple. His intuition says that there’s something about Mark that he needs to somehow know or reveal— and throughout Donghyuck’s life, he trusts his gut feeling like a lifeline because it almost always turns out to be right.
Even when Mark and his friends who were influenced were pushing him down the stairs, spatting insults every time they see some boy being “girlish” or some girl being “boyish” or they just see Donghyuck in general. But deep down, Donghyuck knows that Mark doesn’t intend it that way.
That is what he will always and firmly believe in. For days on end, even in the last week of seventh grade. The year before the year you will graduate from middle school.
Even when Donghyuck just entered the classroom, blending with the crowd of his classmates entering the classroom at once with him as he chatted with one of his friends— a girl to top it all off, he heard someone call him something before a friend nudged that said someone as they snicker while heading towards their seats that he almost couldn’t decipher.
“Move, faggot.”
Donghyuck tried to brush it off of course. He doesn’t take things to heart that quickly.
Until Mark arrived. Despite being at a young age, he was already someone who could make the room notice him even if he just entered the room. Right now, of course, he naturally did just that.
Donghyuck doesn’t need to lie that Mark can shine anywhere and whenever. He’s kind, caring, creative, and of course teachers love him. But Donghyuck couldn’t really understand how Mark can be kind to others but not him. Two years of being classmates, he has seen Mark talk softly to girls, talk and laugh with his friends, and how Mark always somehow shines brighter than the last.
But when it comes to Donghyuck? Nothing. Insults. Aggressive. Being someone that people can’t imagine can be a version of Mark. Practically none of that matters to him. He knows that there’s something deep inside Mark that makes him like that towards him.
Right now, it was lunch. As per usual, Donghyuck sat with the girls. Suddenly the topic of Mark was brought up.
“Hyuck, aren’t you tired?” One girl asked as she took a bite of her food. “What do you mean?” Donghyuck asked, looking up from his food to look at the latter. “Of Mark.” She started. “Of how Mark and his friends just…” she paused for a moment before muttering in a tone that sounded like pity, “just treats you so differently.”
Donghyuck fell silent as his other friend chimed in. “Yeah, I agree. Like how they insult you with names, how they practically bully you, Hyuckie.” she said in anger as others nodded in agreement and said “yeah”. The boy just smiled at his friends, knowing that his friends are just saying that because they can be extremely overprotective.
“It’s fine. I know that Mark doesn’t mean it.” He tried to reason. “Donghyuck, one of his friends called you a slur. A slur!” One said as she lightly slammed her fork onto the table. “Hyuck, for once, stand up for yourself. Even if Mark doesn’t mean it, doesn’t mean that his friends don’t as well. All of us are worried about you. This has been going on since what? Forever.”
Silence filled the table just in time that Mark and his friends entered the cafeteria as they talked loudly to each other while walking up to their unofficial designated table. Ignoring them, Donghyuck’s friends continued to scold him.
At the corner of Donghyuck’s eye, he saw Mark staring at him before looking away as soon as the other realized that feminine boy saw him staring. That sparked Donghyuck’s curiosity. What was Mark thinking? Why was Mark staring at him? Why was Mark staring at him with eyes so soft that you think that Mark thinks that Donghyuck hung the stars and the moon above?.
For Mark, it was practically tearing him apart inside of him. Every insult, every shove, every laugh,every remark, everything.
“Donghyuck-ah, I’m sorry.”
”I am so sorry for saying that to you, pretty.”
”Please forgive me. I don’t know why I am doing this in the first place.”
”Donghyuck, I love you.”
”I’ll atone for my sins. Especially the sins that I did towards you.”
Every time Mark would walk alone and pass by Donghyuck, he felt an urge to stop in front of the other boy and get on his knees pleading for forgiveness.
But, at the moment, he resented people like Donghyuck more than he can admit. The feeling of hatred is stronger than the power of forgiveness and love since… He himself cannot accept the fact that he as well needs sunshine.
He’ll believe in anything but believing that what he was taught since he was young was wrong. That his mother was wrong. His relatives were wrong. And that he is part of the people that his own family opposes just because it’s a sin from the bible.
Countless nights that Mark can’t keep track of; of him praying to the Lord for forgiveness for what he has done to Donghyuck and to others. Praying if any of this is acceptable. Praying if he admits to what he truly is is acceptable— to the people around him especially his family; especially his mother.
After praying, the latter would just stare at his cross necklace that’s clasped around his neck as if silently asking if everything was truly okay. It somehow always took him five minutes or more. Like clockwork, Mark would stop staring and just silently cried, feeling that his heart is slowly breaking apart as he could feel a tightening sensation as he tried to stop himself from crying while he repeated a question in his head: “why? Why is loving someone so painful?”
Why was loving someone that just happened to be something you don’t find ordinary so painful? Why is love so painful? Did God truly intend love to be this way? To feel like everything just stops just because you feel that your heart is breaking?
1 Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not-self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
If love, according to the bible, is kind, then, why does it feel so ruthless? Is it because he loves someone that’s considered a sin? Is it because the person that he loves deep down is someone that the bible says is an ‘abomination’?
“Why… why is love…” Mark muttered to himself, pausing before continuing as he tried to stop his hiccups, “why is love so complicated and heartless?” Was love ever intended to actually feel like this? So many questions that felt practically impossible to answer.
No one to question about it. No one to even talk about it. For Mark, it felt like some things were truly impossible to solve; and that just makes him colder day by day.
Thinking suppressing rather than expressing is a good solution, it was the exact opposite. Not that ironic, right? But what do you expect from an eleven year old boy living in a household so religious that you think one of them would be a pastor if they could?
If love is truly kind, why does it feel the opposite to those that the bible considers unnatural, abomination, sinful . If love is truth-seeking— what if the truth is that love is truly just love?
Every passing day, the feeling deep inside tightens its chokehold on Mark. The grueling feeling of having to keep up appearances just for the sake of no discrimination for who he truly is. Every memory that reminds him of what he is doing to Donghyuck just made him want to shrivel up before curling into a ball in a fetus position and bury himself out of this world.
It was the only thing that he could think of to survive. It’s always about surviving and not living. In a world that impressions and images are one of the things on top of the pyramid of not having to be discriminated against, hated, and slandered.
And actually being yourself? It only puts you nearly at the bottom of the social ladder. Having a weird haircut,dyed hair, piercings, tattoos, being from a poor family, having different taste in fashion and outfits, queer, almost anything at this point. It doesn’t matter, really. If you are someone that a certain other someone will find disgusting, weird, abnormal, grotesque, atrocious.
That fact will always be one of the reasons why Mark will almost never truly express himself out to the world. In fact, he was always envious of the people who don’t give enough care to what people think. Being free of everything. Being free to love. Being free to do anything and not be judged. It felt like Mark was dreaming the impossible.
“If other people can do it, I can do it too. But— why does it feel too heavy when I try it too?” Mark would usually mutter to himself as he would lay down on his bed at night… Maybe that is also why he is ever so slightly insomniac.
Whenever Mark would try to sleep, his dreams were worse; that’s his opinion.
After school, Mark would usually walk home. It wasn’t that far, just a few blocks from the school bus stop. As the latter walked, Donghyuck suddenly went up to him. “You walk this path as well?” The boy asked.
No response. Mark didn’t even realize that he was staring at Donghyuck before he got out of a daze. “Huh?! O-oh. Yeah. I do. Why?” He replied startled before the shorter boy started to giggle softly.
“I’m so sorry for laughing,” Donghyuck said between laughs as he tried to calm himself down before replying properly to the other, “I walk this path home as well.” Mark hummed at the response as a comfortable silence slowly engulfed them.
Until Mark unconsciously reached out for Donghyuck’s hand. Mark’s finger lightly tapped the back of Donghyuck’s hand that was surprisingly soft despite having skin contact for not even a second. What brought Mark back from his consciousness was when he felt the warmth of another person’s hand slightly wrapped around his. Unbeknownst to him, Mark smiled softly at the contact before looking up from his and Donghyuck’s intertwined hands to face Donghyuck.
Lee Donghyuck is prettier up close is what Mark thinks. Especially when he is smiling as well; and currently, Lee Donghyuck is smiling softly and widely as he can. And that soft, bright, and wide smile was directed at Mark.
Then Mark woke up. Beads of sweat covering his forehead despite the cold weather outside. He looked at the time on his digital clock that was sitting on the table lamp beside his bed, 1:43am. A part of him felt happiness, and another was guilt. It was, and always will be, guilt. Looking down at his cross necklace, Mark felt the urge to pray.
Praying, actually, brings comfort to Mark. It is a way to communicate to God whether to seek forgiveness, to seek advice, thanking, or just talk to the Lord. Right now, Mark is praying for advice.
Dear Heavenly father, I am currently praying as I seek for advice. I seek for understanding. I seek for guidance… and maybe just for a talk. I ask, what do I do? Is what I am feeling normal and casual? Is it because of my hormonal imbalances as an adolescent? Is what I am feeling towards a classmate, fine? Actually, speaking of that said classmate, I couldn’t help but feel something in me. Is that normal? His name is Donghyuck. Lee Donghyuck. And honestly, he is someone that is better than a girl in my opinion; whether it is looks or personality since I can avouch that it is true.
Donghyuck has skin that looked sunkissed and that whenever the sun hits it it looks even prettier since it shines. Beauty marks on Donghyuck’s right cheek, right side of his neck, and his collarbone; it forms a constellation but I forgot which one… But if I could remember, one of his friends told him it was related to a bear, I think? Either way, I think he can pass as a bear. A cute bear as a bare minimum… Anyway…
… and Donghyuck this, Donghyuck that; honestly, I think the Heavenly Father just tiredly nodded along during that part of Mark’s prayer.
Heavenly Father, I have another question for you: What will happen if I truly love Donghyuck? That I am actually what my family calls ‘disgusting’? Mark opened his eyes, hands still clasped together as he looked at the ceiling as if he could find the Lord’s response there.
Dear Heavenly Father, would my family be mad? That I have committed a vast sin as their son? Will I still find support and happiness from them? A part of me would like to see what would happen but another part of me says to not risk it. I love my family. I love my parents. But, would they still love me as their son if I am truly someone that is gay? Please guide me, Amen.
Unknowingly, tears started to fall all over again. Wiping away his tears using the back of his hands, Mark muttered to himself, “God, it hurts. It hurts so much. Maybe too much. Is this really your plan for me?”
Being fifteen doesn’t help Mark’s case. In fact, it had gotten worse. He keeps another secret. A secret that shares the level of intensity of what he used to question. He is hiding that he is slowly accepting the side of him being queer.
Ninth grade is a wonder. Donghyuck is his classmate once more despite not knowing that he would go to the school that Mark is attending for his high school as well; and God, his beauty never stopped from being more beautiful than yesterday. In fact, maybe, a little, Mark had gotten closer to Donghyuck. He stopped bullying him and apologized privately on the last day of middle school at the school gate.
He expected rage, screaming, a fight. But all he got was: “Thank you, Mark.” Donghyuck said after a long pause when Mark finished apologizing. “I forgive you.” The shorter added right before continuing.
“Though, a question, Mark. Why… Why have you done that since we started middle school?”
That question caught Mark off guard if he is to be honest but he did expect it. Why would you not question years of torment for just simply almost nothing?
“I…” Mark started, “It’s because…” he felt his heart beat going faster. “Since…” Mark felt tears starting to form.
I thought that was the only way I have to hide what I truly feel and am.
Because I still deny that I love you.
I'm scared of what will happen if I don't.
If I tell you, will you still like me?
“Nevermind,” Mark said abruptly, turning back his heel to walk away but stopped when he felt a hand on his wrist firmly wrapped, clearly not wanting to let go anytime soon. “Mark, are you okay?” Donghyuck asked, then the taller boy finally looked at him in the eye. “Donghyuck,” Mark started, “I’m fine.” he eventually added.
The younger boy didn’t look a half convinced but nodded anyway before finally releasing Mark from his grasp. “ If you say so. But, talk to me, okay?” Mark was already walking away from him.
As Donghyuck walked home, all he could think was about Mark. In his defense, he always thought that Mark is not who he truly is on the inside. And that theory is correct, Donghyuck thinks so. “Oh, Mark, what did they do to you to be so… constipated when it comes to emotions and feelings?” Donghyuck muttered to himself as he continued to walk.
With Mark, he was panicking. Why couldn’t I say it? What’s stopping me? “Mark Lee, you are one coward.” He muttered to himself as he found a bench to sit on. Then tears started to fall out slowly. Covering his face with his hands to cover the shame that he is currently feeling as his tears started to wet his hands that once held Donghyuck’s in a dream.
He could only wonder and wonder with no hope of finding someone with an answer. If Mark is truly worth the love, why does it feel impossible to find the love that Mark has for himself?
“God, I beg, please forgive me.”
Mark could only mutter as the sun started to set and he forced himself to stand up from the bench and walk home with more guilt than before resting uncomfortably on his shoulders as it takes over his heart and mind.