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Michael turned around in bed and was welcomed by cold sheets.
Luke had fallen asleep on top of him just a few hours ago, so Michael instantly thought he went on the balcony due to the suppressing heat. Michael himself could feel pearls of sweat rolling down his chest.
He slowly got out of bed, waiting for the white spots in his vision to go away and trying to unstick his dark hair from his forehead. The balcony door was shut, but Michael could see a glimmer of light coming from the bathroom.
He knocked, attaching his ear to the wood, waiting - hoping - for a response. “Luke, you in there?”
After moments of silence Michael heard shuffling sounds coming from inside the bathroom. “Yeah. Sorry, I feel a little sick, I think I ate something bad at dinner and the heat made it worse.” His voice was faint and unsure. “Don’t worry about me, though.”
Michael’s eyebrows furrowed and he reached for the door handle. “You could have woken me up, baby.” He tried to twist it but it seemed the door was locked. “Can I come in? I don’t want you to be alone when you’re sick.”
Luke sighed and Michael heard him sniffling. “Mike, it’s okay, really. Please go back to sleep, I’ll be in bed as soon as I feel good again.”
“Are you sure?” the brunette asked, biting his lip. “You’re not a bother. I want to help you.”
Luke’s voice came out even more tired and exhausted. “Michael, please.”
Michael’s reply spilled out violently, he felt hot and sweaty and fed up with whatever Luke was feeling. “Okay. You’ll find me here when you’re done vomiting your soul out.” He paused for a moment, listening to the silence, and ran a hand through his hair. Luke’s sniffling sounds picked up again. “Fuck, sorry. I’ll go lay down now. I love you. Scream if you need anything.”
“Yeah. Love you too.”
-
After Luke’s behavior the night before, it was not that much of a surprise when Michael woke up again and found the boy sleeping as far as possible from him, curled around one of his own hoodies (because ‘I can’t fall asleep without something to hold, I want to hug you’ - guess that didn’t matter today).
Michael was still a little pissed off from his boyfriend’s responses, so he decided to leave the room and get their bodyguard to let him go on a little city tour to clear his mind.
He was given permission, as long as he was in a safe situation, but before exiting the building he picked up his phone and typed a message to Luke.
going to the city centre for a walk
feel free to join btw
just call me if you decide to come and i’ll tell you where i am
Of course Luke’s behaviour had been weird, but Michael didn’t want to make him even angrier by disappearing for hours. He knew how Luke’s mind worked, knew he hated being left out.
Michael wandered around the streets for a good few hours without receiving any kind of reply before he realized he had to go back to the hotel to change and get ready for rehearsal with the boys.
He still hadn’t fully calm down from the events of the night before. He always cared for Luke, his insecurities and peculiarities, but it seemed like the blond had decided to completely disregard Michael’s own ones.
Luke knew every one of his problems, he knew Michael always struggled with communication and wanted to be better with him, wanting for things to change in their relationship. So he really couldn’t explain what had happened with his boyfriend, and most importantly Michael didn’t understand why the fuck Luke’s switch up was so sudden.
They had fallen asleep together as always, Luke looked normal, he said there was something that was annoying him about their tour daily schedule but Michael didn’t think it could be so much of a problem that had made Luke treat him so badly. Maybe Luke was actually sick and he was reading too much into this whole thing. Probably.
But overall, he had a weird sensation about Luke and he didn’t know how to make things feel normal.
-
Soundcheck went smoothly, they were playing venues in places they’d never seen before so all the boys were electrified at the thought.
Luke felt a little distant. He fiddled with his guitar strings, was frequently brought back to focus by staff members that scolded him for being so distracted and barely talked to the other boys.
Michael felt kind of relieved that it seemed like Luke didn’t have a problem specifically with him.
Still, none of them knew what was up with him, Ashton was visibly upset and Calum tried his best to cheer the boy up but was met with weak smiles or, alternatively, shrugs.
They didn’t have much time between soundcheck and the show, though, so they barely talked before getting on stage.
Michael hoped he didn’t look too wrapped in his head, and tried to put on a decent performance, giving his all.
After the concert, the car ride back to the hotel wasn’t that long, but Luke spent it all by scrolling on his phone.
He was easily the most tall and strong out of all of them, but in Michael’s eyes he looked almost tiny compared to the usual. He was slumped in one of Michael’s hoodies, trying to fit himself in the corner of the car and tragically failing.
Michael was in front of him, his foot tentatively reached to touch Luke’s, who let them both intertwine without looking up at him.
Suddenly, a switch activated in Michael’s head. Maybe he knew what was Luke’s problem. They hadn’t had the opportunity to spend some time alone in weeks, apart from the night before which, even if Luke hadn’t felt sick, was already being spent sleeping.
When they got to their shared room, Michael tried instantly to communicate his intentions.
“Babe, you looked so good on stage tonight,” Michael whispered, one hand wrapping around Luke’s waist. “I’ll never get tired of watching you sing and play guitar.”
Luke smiled at him, leaned in for a kiss that lasted barely two seconds. “Thank you, Mike.”
And just like that, he pulled away from the brunette’s hold and started heading towards the bathroom, picking up a towel from the bed.
Now that’s weird. Luke never backed down from an opportunity to compliment him. He was the first to tell him how good Michael looked, how talented he was. Why did he walk away like that?
Fight or flight instinct kicked in, Michael spontaneously reached for his arm, pulled him back for a longer kiss. Luke was, of course, kissing him back in a fraction of a second, but when Michael’s hands moved to his hips again he pulled back for a second time.
“I’m not in the mood right now, okay? Just wanna sleep,” he explained, fixing the towel on his arm again and walking towards the little bathroom.
Michael stared at him, mouth wide open. “Luke, can you tell me what the hell has gotten into you?” he managed to say. He knew he looked ridiculous, standing in the middle of the room and waiting for answers by Luke, who was feet away from him. “It’s literally the first time I hear you say that. Can you tell me what’s wrong or you’re gonna keep on acting like a ghost around me and the others?”
Luke turned around and dropped his things on a table close to him. His mood switched suddenly, the little smile he gave Michael before disappeared, replaced by anger.
“I’m not in the fucking mood. What can’t you understand about that? I don’t want to. I don’t feel good and I’m tired and I just want to be alone for a bit.” His eyes were watery, looking at Michael like he had just insulted him. His next words opened a hole in Michael’s chest. “So either you give me a bit of time by myself or I’m asking for a single room at the reception.”
Silence fell over them. Michael saw that Luke was about to say something else but interrupted him before he could speak. “Alright. Go shower, then I’ll go and when I come out you can pretend you’re already asleep so we won’t have to talk again tonight.” Michael gestured towards the bathroom and waited for Luke to open the door. “Goodnight, Luke. Hopefully tomorrow you’ll explain what’s got you so upset.”
The door was loudly shut.
-
Michael tried to talk to Luke. He really did. The fact is that Luke refused to explain what was going on.
(Luke, barricaded in his silence, only spoke to him once, when he managed to coax Michael into a hurried exchange of handjobs before one of the shows. Michael knew it was a stupid idea to be intimate without resolving their issues, but Luke was whispering in Michael’s ear that he looked so fucking good and how he wanted to jump his bones every time he saw him, and Michael couldn’t turn him down. It was probably the biggest amount of words Luke had spoken to him in days.)
One day they didn’t talk because he had a headache, the other he fucked up a single chord on stage and wanted to practice alone for the rest of the night, then he was tired.
All fair reasons, except for the fact that usually, when Luke felt bad for a litany of reasons, Michael was the one he ran to.
Michael had seen him in every mood. He had held Luke - even before they were boyfriends - when he cried about being insecure, when he missed home, he had given him massages about his recurring neck pain, he had sat in silence with him when he was too tired and hurt to explain. And still, this time Luke was facing whatever the problem was completely alone.
He didn’t even go to the other guys, never asked for a cuddle anymore, didn’t chill with one of them on the couch. It felt like a completely different person had taken over his body.
The chances of talking to him were low, since he was always busy working on something, trying to avoid the guys, or disappeared for hours in god knows what places, so when the opportunity presented to Michael, he couldn’t miss it.
Some days after their fight, Luke had entered his and Michael’s shared room before the brunette, as he had claimed he was tired and didn’t want to hang out with the crew in the lounge room.
When Michael got back the whole room smelled of Luke’s shampoo, and Luke was still awake, hunched up against the headboard and texting someone.
Michael was careful to approach him, he didn’t want Luke to start avoiding him again for whatever reason he could come up with this time. “Babe, are you busy right now?”
Luke didn’t look up from his phone. “Do I look busy?”
The brunette snorted, annoyed at Luke’s attitude.
“Can you just explain what’s going on? You’ve been unreachable for almost a week, you refuse to sleep close to me, and you won’t even talk to me. Did I do something I’m not aware of?” Michael’s words began to stumble out hurriedly. “Because I’ll swear I’ll make it up to you, I can do everything you want for months, for real. Did I say something upsetting? Or are you just grumpy because of the tour?” Michael hadn’t thought about these things before, but he let his mind wander free, pumped by adrenaline, nerves and courage. An even worse thought crossed his mind for the first time. “Oh my god, I hurt you, didn’t I? And you don’t want to talk about it because-”
Luke finally looked at him, his shiny pink lips closed in a straight line before speaking. “I don’t think I’m the right person for you.”
Michael’s rambling stopped, mouth falling open, trying to process what Luke had just said.
Only one thing came out of him at first.
“What the fuck, Luke.” He saw the blond shrug, looking a little guilty. Michael started screaming. “Seriously, what the fuck? We’ve been together for years, you can’t spit that out of the blue after behaving like that for days.”
“I just did though. And I also think it’s true. We don’t really fit, we’re too different and we saw that on multiple occasions. I think you deserve someone better that can fully commit to you,” Luke said, curling with his knees pressed against his chest. “Someone who can fall in love with you unconditionally. Without fear.”
Michael’s eyes widened dramatically. “Luke- Why are you saying this? We’re perfect together, we never had problems. I do love you unconditionally, I thought you did too.” He could see Luke bite at his lip ring, tugging on it with his bottom teeth. “Why the fuck were you with me for so long if that’s not the case?”
Luke stretched his limbs and laid fully on the covers, preferring to look at the ceiling than staring back at Michael.
“I never had problems before. I loved you, I still do. But I’ve been having some trouble with myself lately. How I’m perceived, what others think of me. I don’t feel really okay right now and I’m not sure I can be in this relationship the way I want without hurting you, or myself, or even worse the band, for that matter.” Luke’s words sounded so mature, Michael would’ve said he was proud of him for expressing his emotion in such a controlled way if his world wasn’t crumbling under his own feet.
Michael felt a lump in his throat. He could feel a mixture of sadness, anger, fondness, love, all colours swirling around but nothing in his mind seemed to work the way it normally did and he couldn’t decode what shade they mixed into. Maybe he was dreaming. That could explain something.
“I could help you. I love you,” he said desperately, words a little strained.
“I don’t think you can,” Luke stated, closing his eyes. His body language was the same as when he was sick: pale skin, furrowed eyebrows, stomach and hands lightly clenching, like his sentences were clawing at his organs, rushing out without permission. “It’s not you. It’s just… I don’t know how to get out of this without bringing you down. And I don’t want to hurt you too.”
Michael’s mouth fell shut, unsure of what to do. He felt like every possible offering of the only solutions that were in his means would get rejected.
“What should I say now?” he murmured at last, hands stopping at his sides. He felt them tremble and stopped them by grasping at the fabric of his sweats.
Luke turned his head around on the pillow to gaze at his boyfriend (ex boyfriend?). He looked tired. “I don’t know, Mike.”
The silence between them extended for a second too late and Luke was about to speak again just when Michael did too, prevailing over him.
“I’ll go ask for another room at the reception. Don’t come looking for me, please.” Michael started walking towards the door without even gathering his things.
He heard Luke’s voice, faint behind him. “I’m sorry.”
Copious sarcasm coated Michael’s words. “Yeah, ‘course you are.” He slammed the door behind him.
Instead of going to the receptionist, Michael headed towards Calum’s room and started banging on the door furiously.
Calum came up to him after a dozen knocks. When he asked what was going on, Michael’s adrenaline had finally worn off. He just started crying.
-
Michael and Luke still behaved politely towards one another, all things considered.
The band managed to put up good shows even if they were deeply fragmented. They coexisted smoothly on the tour bus and didn’t have to pretend to ignore the tension between Luke and Michael when they were in hotels.
Luke looked normal. After a while he had started to be chatty again with the boys - except for Michael, obviously - and he seemed to go along well especially with Ashton, who claimed he understood better than anyone else Luke’s internal turmoils, even when Luke himself didn’t express them.
And then came those groupies. Calum and Ashton had been hooking up with random girls for a long time now, but lately Luke was also seen sneaking around with them and that really fucked Michael up. Guess it made sense with what Luke had said, but still, to him, it felt like a voluntary contradiction.
He never confronted Luke about it, though. He was afraid that, if he ever spoke properly to Luke before he felt better about being broken up with in that way, Michael would have just started ugly crying in front of him. And maybe Luke was right for parting ways because it was obvious it had benefited his own health, so Michael couldn’t really hold anything against him except for his own little broken heart.
Calum tried for months to get him to leave Luke behind, and Michael really made an effort, but something kept pulling him back.
One day Michael gathered enough courage to try to talk to him normally, like he did with the other band members, joking in front of some beers after a particularly good day spent in the studio.
They ended up fucking and sleeping in the same bed. The morning after, Luke pretended nothing had happened and Michael felt worse than when they had broken up. (He threw up in a vase for the first time in his life. Shit that only happens in movies.)
After Michael started dating Crystal, a tentative friendship bloomed between them again. They behaved normally, hung out with the other boys, even only the two of them, sporadically.
Luke still said crazy things like “I wonder if we could’ve done something like this if we were still together” or “would our music be the same as it is right now if we never stopped being with each other”. He never said “if we were still in love”. Luke knew that they had never not been, that neither of them was indifferent to the other. Michael tried not to think about it too much, or he would have gone insane. Too many ifs.
They managed not to end up in bed again for two years. Then for another two. Then they had sex again after one.
All Michael could think about is that Luke was incredible at keeping his composure after the love declarations that left his mouth every single time.
Michael felt guilty and uneasy on the nights it happened. He still hadn’t learned how to say no to Luke.
As long as it felt like falling in love with Luke all over again, he never would.