Chapter Text
The first thing people knew about Anxin was not his name.
It was his brother. He had always been known the same way.
Oh, that’s Jiahao’s brother.
Like that was the most complete version of him. Like that explained everything worth knowing. Anxin had stopped correcting people a long time ago. It didn’t really bother him and it was easier that way.
He grew up thinking it was favorable on his part because people were not expecting much from him, but they were expecting everything from his brother.
No one knows him as Anxin who sings beautifully with his calming voice. No one knows him as Anxin, who graduated high school as one of the top of his class. Not the very top, yes, but included. Always included.
Don’t view it the wrong way, this is not about his parents. Their parents loved Anxin and Jiahao equally. Those who don’t pay attention to him are people who don’t really have any contribution to his and his brother’s lives, that’s why he doesn’t care.
Anxin loved Jiahao dearly, but Jiahao can be very annoying, as all older brothers can be.
“You packed your charger, right?” Jiahao asked for the fourth time in ten minutes.
Anxin paused halfway through shoving a hoodie into his suitcase. “Yes.”
“Your laptop?” Jiahao asked again.
“Yes,” Anxin answered.
“Your documents?” And again.
“Yes.”
“Your—”
Anxin cuts him off before he can finish another question. “Hao-ge…”
“What?” Jiahao, confused by Anxin’s warning voice.
Anxin looked up from the floor of his bedroom. “You’ve asked me the same questions five times.”
“And?”
“I am nineteen,” Anxin wanted to make that clear.
“And?” Jiahao was still confused, wondering what Anxin's age had to do with anything.
“As a matter of fact, I got accepted into one of the best universities in the country,” Anxin said proudly.
“And?”
Anxin sighed, growing tired. “I think I can remember to bring my charger.”
Jiahao folded his arms. “You forgot your charger plugged in the whole day last month.”
“That happened once.” Anxin rolled his eyes.
“You left your phone in a taxi.”
“Once,” he repeated.
“You lost your student ID.”
“Once.”
“Three times,” Jiahao cleared that up.
Anxin sighed again, now accepting defeat. “You only know that because you keep tabs on me like I’m twelve, or like I’m a criminal under investigation.”
Jiahao shrugged. “You’re welcome.”
Anxin groaned and threw a pillow at him and Jiahao caught it effortlessly laughing.
At twenty three, Jiahao had become irritatingly competent at everything.
He was in his third year of Political Science and somehow managed to juggle classes, position in the university’s student council, and maintain a social life. Almost all of the professors know him, freshmen were amazed by him, their parents adored him, and most importantly, Anxin loved him.
Anxin had spent most of his life living in the shadow of someone who seemed incapable of failure. Not that Jiahao ever made him feel that way. If anything, Jiahao had spent years making sure Anxin never felt alone.
Their parents are both lawyers, they worked long hours and late nights. They weren’t absent parents. They always made sure the boys could still feel their existence. They almost never missed any special occasion or birthdays. They made sure of that.
But growing up, it had been Jiahao who packed Anxin’s lunch boxes for school, always adding extra snacks just in case Anxin got hungry mid-classes. He was the one who showed up at school meetings when their parents couldn’t make it. The one who helped him study for exams even when he clearly had his own. It was Jiahao who taught him how to ride a bike. Jiahao who carried him home after he scraped both knees trying to prove he could ride an adult’s bicycle on his own.
Sometimes Anxin forgot his brother was only four years older than him.
***
Freedom was supposed to start the moment you stepped into university. That was the dream.
No curfew. No uniforms. No one asking where you were going every ten minutes. No one telling you to go to sleep when you’re caught awake at three in the morning.
Especially, no annoying, protective older brother to bother you.
That dream lasted exactly three days.
Because as fate has it, Anxin’s dream university happened to be Jiahao’s university. And he was not gonna reject the country’s top university just because his brother is there. He doesn’t necessarily hate his brother, well, not that much.
The second Anxin stepped inside the campus he knew he belonged there. The campus itself was beautiful in the way prestigious universities always were. Anxin loved it immediately.
Legal Management had been his choice of program from the start. Not because he wanted to become a lawyer, and not because his parents are lawyers and they recommended that program.
Anxin had always liked arguments. Not in the means of he’s the one arguing, he just liked listening to people’s reasoning and thought process.
He also liked rules. He liked figuring out how systems worked. Most importantly, he liked winning, even if it meant going against the rules.
Which was probably why Jiahao had warned him against law school at least eleven times already.
***
“Move,” Sanghyeon said while pushing Anxin to the side.
“No,” Anxin replied firmly.
“Move.” Sanghyeon leaned on Anxin, putting all his weight.
“No,” Anxin said again, slightly pushing Sanghyeon out of him.
Sanghyeon leaned harder into Anxin’s chair, grinning like he was being paid for it.
Across from them, Xinlong didn’t even look up from his laptop. “You two are exhausting.”
“He’s in my seat,” Sanghyeon said.
“There are two empty ones.” Xinlong while pointing the empty seats to Sanghyeon.
Sanghyeon argued, “It’s the principle.”
“What principle?” Xinlong asked, grabbing Sanghyeon to make him sit on one of the empty chairs.
“The principle of him existing near me,” Sanghyeon replied while making faces at Anxin.
“That’s not a principle.”
“It is now.”
Anxin kicked Sanghyeon’s chair leg and Sanghyeon kicked back immediately. Xinlong is now holding the temples of his head. Since when did he become a babysitter?
They are currently in their favorite Mediterranean restaurant just five minutes walk from the university.
Their first ever semester in college started three weeks ago. Except for the occasional crashout from Sanghyeon and random spacing out in the middle of a study session from Xinlong, Anxin would like to believe everything is going quite well.
He met Sanghyeon and Xinlong years ago on the first day of high school.
Sanghyeon and Xinlong were the first people who felt like his. Friends he can call his own. Not his brother’s, not borrowed, not shared. Just his.
Sanghyeon had been walking back and forth in the hallway during orientation like a lost kid.
“I think I’m lost,” Sanghyeon loudly announced, speaking to himself.
“You are,” Xinlong replied without looking up from his phone.
“Oh… Hi!” Sanghyeon flashed a big smile. “Are you new too? Can you help me?”
Xinlong put his phone in his pocket. “No.”
“Why not?” Sanghyeon’s smile dropped immediately.
“Because I’m also lost,” said Xinlong, like it’s no big deal.
That was when Anxin walked past them and stopped. Anxin looked down at the map he was holding, then looked up at the two boys in front of him.
And pointed confidently in a direction he was not entirely sure about.
“That way,” Anxin said.
Xinlong and Sanghyeon followed him immediately.
He was wrong too.
They ended up in a restricted building of their school and a security officer asked all three of them to leave within two minutes or else they would get reported. They ran as fast as they could.
They made it to their assigned orientation room, catching their breath and sweat all over their foreheads. They were fifteen minutes late, but at least they made it.
Somehow, that became friendship.
Chung Sanghyeon was loud enough for six people. He is loud in a way that makes people either love him or hate him immediately. He makes his small inconvenience into everyone’s problem. He once fought a vending machine and declared it discriminatory when it rejected his bill.
He Xinlong was the opposite. He was quiet, very precise, and over observant. The kind of person who didn’t speak often, but when he did, he would unintentionally make you feel like the dumbest person on Earth.
Sanghyeon once complained about group projects.
Xinlong looked at him and said, “You are the problem.”
Sanghyeon was extremely offended and did not speak for an hour after that.
Anxin’s ears thanked Xinlong for that.
A week before their midterm examination, Jiahao invited him to dinner. Or rather, just informed him.
iMessage
Hao-ge: Dinner tonight. [10:22am]
Anxin: can i say no? [10:24am]
Hao-ge: No. [10:25am]
Anxin: then why did you even ask smh [10:25am]
Hao-ge: It wasn’t a question. [10:25am]
Anxin: u’re unbelievable [10:26am]
Hao-ge: {Sent a location} [10:26am]
Hao-ge: 7pm. You can bring your friends. [10:26am]
Bring Sanghyeon and Xinlong? Sanghyeon with his brother? Yeah, no. His brother just wants someone on his side to tease him.
At 5:45 Anxin started getting ready so he could leave early. Sanghyeon kept bothering him asking why they weren’t coming when Jiahao said to take them. Anxin ignored him the whole time but Sanghyeon just won’t shut up. To shut him up he just promised that he’ll bring them next time Jiahao invites for dinner.
It was 6:45 when he arrived at the location Jiahao sent. The restaurant was nothing too fancy. It’s just a little more formal than the usual fast food or takeout places college students go to.
Anxin pushed the door open and immediately heard laughter and Leo spotted him first.
“There he is,” Leo announced as if the whole restaurant was waiting for him to arrive.
Junseo raised a hand to wave and the one sitting beside him, Sangwon, looked up.
And something in Anxin’s chest flipped slightly.
He wants to smack himself. He is nineteen, not fifteen, not twelve. Not someone who should still be feeling like this.
When he walked towards their table Sangwon smiled and said, “There you are.”
A simple greeting. Completely harmless yet Anxin hated how to him, it felt like something more.
A few minutes after he sat down, Jiahao called for a waiter to take their orders. When their orders arrived, Leo immediately tried the Lobster Bisque soup he ordered. Leo furrowed his brows upon tasting.
“What’s wrong?” Anxin asked because they ordered the same soup but he was waiting for his to cool down a little.
“It’s salty,” Leo replied while he drank water.
Anxin, curious, tasted his soup as well. “It’s not though?”
He then laughed and added, “Leo hyung, you’re getting old.”
Leo looked up and said, “How dare you disrespect me? I practically raised you.”
“Exactly, you’re old,” Anxin replied.
Everyone laughed. Junseo was making fun of Leo even though he really is the oldest person at the table. Sangwon was suppressing his laugh as his mouth was full of soup, making him look like a bunny. Jiahao was shaking his head while laughing.
This is the exact moment Anxin realized that even though he talks about how his other friends were never really his but Jiahao’s, it reminded him how he loved being in Jiahao’s world. He always did. And inside it were the people who had shaped Anxin long before he understood what shaping meant.
Lee Leo was one of them.
Leo, who once looked at Anxin's middle school math homework, sighed like it personally offended him and redid the whole thing in minutes, taught and explained it thoroughly to Anxin until he learned it. Anxin still remembers getting a perfect score because of Leo. At the time it just felt like Leo being Leo, but he realizes that someone is ready to guide him and teach him how to do things he does not understand.
Leo had always been like that. He somehow had a way of making everything feel lighter than it actually was. It’s just one failed exam, you're not gonna die. Let's play basketball? Leo was probably the reason he learned that a failure was not the end of the world.
Kim Junseo was another.
Junseo, who taught Anxin how to drive without raising his voice even once. No matter how badly he messed up, no matter how many times he made the same mistake, Junseo never gave up on him, just brake earlier and stop fighting the wheel, he’ll say calmly. At the time they were just driving lessons, but Junseo always acted like mistakes were normal. Like making the wrong move was not something to panic over because it could always be corrected.
And then there was Lee Sangwon.
Sangwon who didn’t teach Anxin anything. Who didn’t correct Anxin in anything. Sangwon who’s simply just always there.
At family gatherings when Jiahao invited friends over, Sangwon was the first one to arrive to help their mother cut up vegetables, and set up chairs and tables without being asked.
At thirteen, Anxin spilled soda all over himself. Sangwon handed him tissues and an extra shirt, while everyone’s laughing at him for being clumsy.
At fifteen, Anxin locked himself in his room after an argument with Jiahao, Sangwon knocked twice before speaking through the door.
“Anxin?” Sangwon called out.
“Did he send you here?” Anxin replied.
“No.”
“Then why are you here?” Anxin asked slightly annoyed, not wanting to talk to anyone.
“You skipped dinner,” Sangwon answered almost immediately.
At sixteen, he failed a math final exam, Sangwon messaged him at night.
iMessage
Sangwon hyung: Do you want to grab ice cream? [9:57pm]
Not Did you fail?
Not What happened?
At seventeen, Anxin joined a singing competition. Nothing huge, just a competition for their class. The date got moved at the last minute and everyone couldn't make it anymore and Anxin understood. Their parents filed a leave for the original date, Jiahao got exams, and by the time Anxin stepped onto the stage, he had already accepted that he would be performing to a room full of strangers. But when he looked up, he saw Lee Sangwon sitting in the back row. Just Sangwon. Alone.
"You came?" Anxin asked him after.
Sangwon looked at him like it was a strange question. "You said it was today."
Like that explained everything. Looking back, maybe it did.
The funny thing was that neither the three of them probably knew they were doing any of this. To them, they were just Jiahao's friends helping Jiahao's little brother.
These people raised him. Maybe that was the thing. He, as a whole, was just pieces of them. And you can see it if you pay attention, in the way he handles failure, in the way he faces things that scare him, in the way he learned that making mistakes does not mean everything is over.
Halfway through dessert, while everyone’s enjoying their cheesecakes Jiahao cleared his throat and leaned back.
“I want to talk about something,” he said.
Groans immediately followed.
“That’s never good,” Leo muttered.
“It rarely is,” Junseo added.
Jiahao ignored them.
“Anxin,” he said, then paused.
Anxin rolled his eyes, what’s the suspense for?
“I heard that a lot of girls are asking for your number and some guy from the Engineering department is making his moves on you?”
Leo and Junseo gasped as if they heard the most shocking news ever. Sangwon was just waiting on what else Jiahao had to say. Anxin threw them a glance.
“What are you even saying?” Anxin said.
“Don’t deny it, Sanghyeon himself said so.”
Sanghyeon? That loud mouth!
“But don’t blame him, he wasn’t the one who told me, I just asked him for confirmation,” Jiahao added.
Anxin did not care, he was so gonna choke Chung Sanghyeon when he gets home.
“No one gets to you, not until they get past me. Understood?” Jiahao asked.
He rolled his eyes again. “Whatever.”
“And to you all,” Jiahao said to his friends before pointing at Anxin, “My brother is off limits.”
They were silent for a couple of minutes until Leo bursted out laughing followed by Junseo. Upon seeing them laugh, even running out of breath, Sangwon laughed too.
Anxin buried his face in his hand, “Oh God.”
People were looking their way, their laughs were loud. They are so embarrassing.
“I’m serious,” Jiahao said.
“You sound insane,” Leo replied.
“I sound responsible.”
“You sound paranoid,” Junseo corrected.
“I sound like I know my friends. He is off limits, you guys understand?” Jiahao repeated, making it clear.
Leo and Junseo laughed loudly again. Sangwon didn’t laugh this time.
When they stopped laughing and Leo already catched his breath, he looked at Jiahao who was still looking very serious.
“That’s literally my brother as much as he is yours, Hao. Calm your balls,” Leo now said seriously.
“Yeah, Anxin is like a family. What the hell?” Junseo added.
Jiahao then looked at Sangwon who still hadn't uttered a word this whole time.
“Obviously,” Sangwon said immediately, then let out a small laugh and sipped on his wine.
Anxin did not like that answer and he did not like how Sangwon answered too fast. Like there had never been anything to consider at all. Anxin doesn’t know why he suddenly feels upset.
But there's one thing he's sure of, he wishes Sangwon had just stayed silent.