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Things had been bad lately, really bad. No matter what I did, nothing seemed to help, nothing seemed to ease the pain that my head was putting me through. Good things were happening to me, so why did I still want to kill myself so damn bad?
Realistically, I knew I should talk to someone, but I had convinced myself that I would only be annoying people if I did. I had started isolating myself from everyone, worried that if I didn’t something would spill over and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. The stream of thoughts was both daily and constant: how best to kill myself, when best to kill myself, how to put everything into a note to make other people realize it wasn’t their fault. God, no one tells you how much work being suicidal feels like.
I was absolutely sure House knew something was up, he always did, especially when it came to me. I had been turning down his invitations for a couple of weeks, and I hadn’t made any of my own. I figured it was easier this way, if I could get him to have a sort of general disdain for me before I left then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. I did what I could to keep things strictly professional between us, no matter how badly I wanted them to go back.
My pager went off: Wilson, wanting me in his office. I had a sinking suspicion that this was going to be about House, but I knew I couldn’t leave it just in case it wasn’t.
I hesitated before knocking on the door, listening to see if there might be someone I wasn’t expecting in there. I made the move once I decided it was safe, or well, safe enough.
“Come in.” Wilson’s voice was tense on the other side of the door, but I followed through anyway. There wasn’t any going back now.
“We need to talk.” He was upset, I didn’t bother pretending like I didn’t know why.
I sighed, and closed the door behind me, plopping myself onto his couch rather unceremoniously. “I know,” I replied.
“You can’t do this to him.” Wilson was practically pleading with me. “It isn’t fair. At least have the decency to tell him why you’re done with him. You know he would never admit it, but he isn’t as strong as people think he is, and he cares about you. Do you have any idea what this is doing to him?”
“You’re right.” I couldn’t bring myself to behave normally, I felt hollowed out, like there was nothing of me left inside to give. “But it’ll be okay soon.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Wilson’s voice rose, something that wasn’t typical in his conversations with me. “What are you going to do to make this okay?”
“You won’t have to worry about it,” I replied. “Thank you, Wilson, you take good care of him.” I got off the couch and left his office. I could hear him asking me to come back, but I didn’t even bother to look.
I had spent so long agonizing over the perfect time, but sometimes it just falls right into your lap. I felt guilty about hurting House the way I did, but it seemed necessary. If he was upset enough about it to drive Wilson into talking to me, then surely I had made him suffer enough to hate me, enough to feel at least a little relieved once I was gone, right?
The team didn’t have a case right now, so I wouldn’t be interrupting anything, and it was late enough in the day that it wasn’t weird when I went straight home after my conversation with Wilson. It was a beautiful night, I felt stupid for thinking ‘perfect for my last one’, but I figured I was allowed to be a little bit cheesy about it. Once I reached my apartment, it didn’t take long for me to get ready. I decided to keep my note handwritten and short, but I printed off my will, I wanted to make sure everything went away properly. I held onto my cat one last time. I felt bad that I couldn’t explain this to him, but I knew he would be well taken care of. I set out enough food and water to last him a week and locked him in my bedroom. I didn’t want him to get out when someone inevitably broke my door down to get inside.
I didn’t bother changing my clothes into something nicer, what I was wearing now felt fitting enough, and besides, I didn’t know when my body would be found or if a funeral would even happen. All I had left to do was figure out my method. I knew I wanted to die at home, that was non negotiable. I thought about pills, there was a certain irony in it considering they were prescribed for the mental health problems I was currently experiencing, but I had seen how wrong overdoses could go. I landed on bleeding out, filling up the tub with cold water. Usually I would relish in the sensation of the blade running across my skin, usually I would take my time, but I didn’t want anything to go wrong today. Besides, this would yield faster results and it would be less mess to clean up.
I turned off the faucet, slowly inching into the ice cold water. It was weird, I had thought about this for so long, imagining that I would feel some sort of hesitation, some fear of regret, but I didn’t. I was cold, not just physically, but mentally as well, mechanical almost. I sat for a few minutes, waiting to see if anything would change, and when it didn’t, I took that as my sign that it was time to go. I lifted my arm out of the tub and reached over to the little stand next to it, my clothes clung to my skin uncomfortably as I picked up the small, sharp blade. I was almost disappointed that I didn’t feel anything.
I rolled up my sleeve, even though I hadn’t made the cut yet it felt like there was no going back now. I positioned the blade so it would align with my wrist vertically, took one final deep breath, and pierced it into my skin.
My head jerked up, not from what I had done, but from something else entirely. The sound of heavy knocking on my front door had interrupted me. I held my breath, naively hoping that whoever it was would go away and let my last moments be peaceful. The knocking had progressed to banging and it was showing no signs of stopping.
“Open the door, I know you’re in there!” It was House, because of course it was House. I cursed myself, he had never been the one I wanted to find me.
I ripped the blade through my skin all the way up to the crease of my elbow, shoving my arm into the water. It throbbed with pain and I could almost feel the blood draining from my body. I could only pray that I would be dead before he managed to get into my apartment.
Of course, I wasn’t so lucky, because I heard the familiar click of the door being unlocked and the sound of House calling my name, no longer muffled by the door. I stayed as quiet as I could, black spots dancing across my vision, it wouldn’t be long before he reached the open bathroom door, before he saw me. Now that I was losing my grip on everything, I kind of wanted him to find me, not so he could save me, but so that I could selfishly see him one more time. It wasn’t long before I saw him, maybe only a couple of seconds.
House stood in the doorway of my small bathroom, I thought he would hesitate, but he didn’t. He abandoned his cane, rushing straight towards me, grabbing a towel on his way by. Maybe it was just the blood loss, but I swore I had never seen him move so fast before. House reached into the tub, pulling the offending arm out of the bloody water, he wrapped it in the towel and held onto it tight.
“Damn it, what the fuck did you do?” He shouted at me, he was panicked.
I tried to say something, I wasn’t sure what, but either way nothing came out.
“No, no, don’t talk, just stay with me.” House put a hand on my face for a brief moment before fumbling around in his pocket for his phone. My eyes started to slip shut. “Stop it! You don’t get to die, do you understand me?” He was yelling even louder. I’m sure I would have been concerned about the neighbours if I wasn’t actively dying.
House held the phone up to his ear using his shoulder as he pulled me out of the tub and into his body, using both of his hands now to put pressure on the formerly blue towel. I could hear someone talking on the other end of the phone, but I couldn’t make out who it was. I reached up to House’s face with my good arm, he was crying, I wanted to wipe the tears away.
“Get here now!” House was frantic. “No, an ambulance won’t be fast enough, do you understand me?”
I was in and out now, I didn’t quite know what was going on, just that I was so tired. House slapped my face, gently, but enough to wake me back up.
“Why? Why would you do this?” He wasn’t on the phone anymore.
Darkness.
“How long has it been?” Was that Wilson?
“Too long, hurry up!” House shouted back. I was being carried now, the movement made my head spin.
Darkness.
“Come on, come on!” House was slapping my face again, his grip on my arm was tighter than I thought was possible. “You idiot!” I think we were in a car.
“House!” Wilson shouted.
“Just shut up and drive!”
Darkness.
“You’re gonna be okay.” It was one of the ER nurses. I recognized her, but I didn’t know her name.
Everyone was talking so loud, the lights were so bright. Where was House?
Darkness.
---
I opened my eyes slowly, they felt crusty and it took me a minute to realize where I was. It was the same place I was every day, PPTH, except this time I was in a patient bed. My head was killing me, I had managed to live. I looked at my non-dominant arm, the one that had taken all of the damage. It was bandaged up neatly, attached to my body in a sling. I groaned and went to bring my other hand to my head, but it didn’t move. Someone was holding it.
I almost didn’t want to look, I was too embarrassed, but eventually I couldn’t hold in my curiosity anymore and slowly brought my vision over to my hand. I knew before I even looked at the face that it was House, I would always recognize every part of him. He wasn’t talking or moving, so I assumed he was asleep, but when I finally looked at him his eyes were open, he was just staring at me.
The guilt I felt was immense. “I got blood on your shirt,” was all I managed to get out. What was the right thing to say in this situation? As much as I wanted to, there was nothing that could be said to change what had happened, to change what I had unintentionally subjected him to.
“That’s all you have to say?” His voice was low and his grip on my hand tightened. He was shaking.
“I’m sorry.” It sounded forced, but not because of lack of sincerity. “It wasn’t supposed to be you.”
“It shouldn’t have been anyone.” House’s voice somehow had all of the intensity of yelling and yet lacked any of the volume. “How could you do something so stupid?” He asked, and I wasn’t sure if he was seriously expecting an answer or not. I tried to conjure something up, but I couldn’t will anything to come out, there didn’t seem to be anything good enough to tell him.
“You could have talked to me! You could have talked to anyone! But no! You shut yourself off from everyone around you, did you really think no one would notice, that no one would care?” I cringed at how loud his voice was getting and I felt everything I should have felt in the moments leading up to my attempt suddenly seep into my bones.
“Talking never helps! Nothing ever does!” I hadn’t meant to snap back on him, but I did, and I regretted it instantly. “God, I just- I don’t know, okay? Nothing felt real anymore, and I thought if I could just make it all go away, then things would be better. Not just for me, for everyone. I see what I do to people, Greg, I see what I do to you. It’s not fair of me to expect everyone to deal with my bullshit all the time.”
“Well, I would much rather deal with your ‘bullshit’ than not have you in my life anymore! Do you really think I would spend so much time around you if I didn’t want to?” Part of me knew this was true, getting House to do something he wasn’t interested in was a constant uphill battle, but I didn’t want to let myself believe it.
“You don’t have to fucking lie to me, okay? I know I suck the life out of everything, the thing I don’t know how to do is stop it.” I felt tears burn at the corners of my eyes, but I didn’t want to let them fall.
“That’s the thing you seem to be missing, you don’t!” House’s skin was tinted red and his breathing was heavy. “You actually care about people, and you make sure they know it too! You are one of the only people in this hospital that I have never heard anyone say anything bad about, do you hear me? You’re one of the best at your job, and you make me not want to be fucking miserable all of the time. Just because you can’t deal with this on your own, doesn’t mean that everyone else sees you as a problem!”
The room was quiet for a moment, the only sounds were from the bustling halls outside the door. He was looking at me with such intensity that I thought he actually might burst. What he just said was a lot coming from anyone, but from him especially. This wasn’t the first time Gregory House had left me speechless, but I was sure it was going to be a time I remembered forever.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated my earlier words, voice much smaller this time. I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. “I’m just so tired.”
“I know, it’s okay.” House’s voice softened as he pulled me into his chest. “We’ll find something that works, there’s always something.” House rubbed his hand on my shoulder and it almost sounded like he was talking to himself more than he was talking to me.
“How did you know to come?” I eventually asked.
“Wilson called me,” House replied. “He told me about that conversation he had with you, he thought I would have better luck getting through to you than he did.”
“I’m still sorry you saw me like that.” I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to make it up to him.
“I’m not. If I hadn’t showed up when I did, you’d be dead.”
“That close, huh?” Having a self-inflicted near death experience was weird, I wasn’t sure if I should feel disappointed or relieved. Although, looking at House and the way he was talking to me right now, I was glad that he didn’t have to watch me die.
“Your tattoo is ruined.” I raised my brow at him in confusion. “You’re going to have a nasty scar, it’ll never look the same.”
“That’s okay, I never liked that one anyway.” I tried to smile, and it made me feel better when House tried to do the same thing back. “Your shirt looks really bad.”
“That’s okay, it looked bad before it had blood on it, too.” I let out a small chuckle at his words, he was right about that.
“How long do I have to stay here?” I already knew the answer, but I wanted to keep the conversation going.
“You’ll have to stay for the mandatory hold, after that, no one can force you to stay anywhere.” I nodded. “You could come stay with me, you know? I know I’m terrible, but at least you seem to like me, I can’t say the same about the psych nurses.” I went to open my mouth to talk, but before I could, House started talking again. “You can bring the cat, he’s starting to grow on me.”
“Thank you.” I pulled away so I could look at him properly. “I really mean it, I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Don’t thank me, I’m doing this for purely selfish reasons, I don’t know what I would do without you.”