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Fount leaned on the railing of the balcony, staring at the river beneath him, the white of the milk sticking out against the dark foliage, even despite the darkness of the night.
It would be really easy to just… jump off. It always had been. He always wanted to. There wasn't really any reason not to except—
"Fount!"
Healer.
Fount turned back around, Healer running right up to him and planting a kiss on his forehead.
"I missed you, Starlight…"
Fount chuckled, wrapping his arms around Healer's waist, "I missed you too, Orchid."
Healer placed his head on his shoulder, "Are you feeling alright?"
Of course he noticed. He always did.
Fount didn't know how he felt about that. He didn't… hate it, but it felt… wrong, being noticed like that.
"Fount?"
"Hm? I'm—"
…He wasn't fine. Far from it. But he also didn't need to say that. Healer would be worried about him. He didn't like scaring Healer, but he didn't like lying to him either.
"I'm… I don't know. I was—…"
Healer looked up at him with a small frown, "You can tell me."
"I know, I just— don't want to talk about it. It's not that bad, I… I think."
"You think?"
"Yes. And you'll find I'm quite intelligent, thank you."
"Mhm… but you also don't care about yourself, do you?"
Fount scoffed, "Well maybe I should give myself a good reason to, and then I will."
"What would be a good reason, then?" Healer hummed, pulling Fount's hair over his shoulder.
Fount turned his head to the side, looked back at the scenery below while Healer braided his hair.
A good reason…?
…
What was a good reason to care for anyone?
He cared for Healer. Obviously. But there wasn't… a reason, he just… loved him.
Then again, Healer didn't have to be anything. He didn't have any role but to just… be. He could be as much of an imperfect mess as possible. There was no need for him to do anything else.
Fount had to be perfect. He was the Fount of Knowledge, and any mistake he'd made could make things infinitely worse. He couldn't mess up. Not in front of an audience, anyway. If he just let go and did everything how he wanted, without regard for his role or his purpose, it wouldn't be good. Messing up wasn't what he was supposed to do.
…But it wasn't like he didn't know that. It wasn't like he wasn't trying his best. He wasn't… really trying to hurt anyone. His knowledge could bring harm, but that wasn't his intention, nor his fault.
He really didn't know why he hated himself. Or what would fix him.
He hated it. He hated not knowing. He absolutely hated it. He hated never entirely being sure why cookies were created, He hated never being sure what was going to happen, he hate never knowing what his purpose even truly was.
He hated having so much knowledge and none at all.
…Witches, emotions were so stupid. He didn't know why he was created with them at all. It would be so much easier if he was baked without them.
It would make it easier to do what he needed, at least.
Healer finished the braid in Fount's hair, tying it off with a small ribbon.
"What do you think, Fount?"
"Hm? Oh, you did well."
"I meant my question, darling."
…Right.
"I don't know," Fount muttered.
"Well, you have forever to figure it out, don't you?"
"…I don't want to."
"Hm?"
"I don't want to have forever. I— I want to be able to die, Healer. I've been alive for millennia. I don't care anymore. I just— I want to. I was going to jump off, but—"
Healer pulled him into a hug, Fount letting out a little whine.
Damn it. Couldn't he just shut his mouth about it for once?
He didn't need to whine about it.
"I can't… I can't say I understand, Fount. Obviously, I never would. I don't… really know what to say."
Fount sighed, "It's… it's fine, I'm not… It's not that bad. I won't do anything, okay?"
Healer pulled back, "Come on. We can go inside."
"Mhm."
Fount took his hand, following behind him.
Fount threw himself into the bed first, pulling Healer in close to him.
Healer leaned into his shoulder.
"I love you," Healer whispered, his voice cracking.
"…I love you too. Are— are you going to cry?"
"No! I just…"
Healer paused, pulling the bandages off his eyes and guiding Fount to look toward him.
"I truly don't want to see anything happen to you, Fount," Healer whispered, his eyes twinkling with tears.
"Healer, I— nothing's going to kill me, Orchid."
"I know it won't! I just— I don't want you to get hurt at all! I told you this before, I can't—" Healer paused, trying to even out his breath.
Fount nodded, "…I know. I know you don't want me to, I'm— I'm sorry, okay?"
"I just— I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled— I shouldn't be crying, you're the one who—" Healer sniffled, falling back into Fount's shoulder.
Fount blinked, trying to keep himself from crying too. He didn't need to cry.
"It's okay. I'll be fine, okay? Nothing's going to happen, you don't… you don't need to worry," Fount muttered, running his heads through Healer's hair.
He hated seeing Healer cry. He didn't care if it was for no reason. He wanted to fix it.
He just didn't know how.
Technically, he was the problem. Healer was only upset because he was like… this.
But he didn't know how to fix that. He was used to it. He couldn't just change it.
He tried to ignore the milkcrown sprouting on his pillow.
…He could at least try to. Maybe he could— he didn't know. He really didn't know what to do.
He couldn't just put it all on Healer. That would only hurt him. He had to figure it out on his own.
…He didn't hate writing stories. Or poems. He could always try that instead. It wouldn't… fix the problem, but at least it wouldn't hurt him.
At least Healer wouldn't be upset, then.
Healer sniffled again. His tears had soaked into the fabric of Fount's collar. Fount didn't really mind. He could just take it off. He was more annoyed by the flower.
The stupid things always showed up when he cried.
"…Fount?"
"Mhm?"
"Is there a milkcrown on the pillow?"
"Mhm."
Healer chuckled, "We should probably move it, then?"
Fount sat up, cupping the flower in his hands. He pushed himself off the bed, Healer almost tripping as he followed behind.
"I don't even understand why these things bloom when I cry," Fount muttered as they went down the stairs, "Or how?! They just— without soil, or anything! The idiots just— do it!"
"They're pretty," Healer said, gently running one of his hands over the petals while the other held onto Fount's arm.
"I know you like them. I don't think I'd be bothered if they didn't bloom on the pillow. And… if I didn't cry to create them."
Healer frowned, "I suppose it's not… great that you're upset. But you can still cry when you are, you know."
Fount pushed open the door, stepping out into Spire's garden.
"Yeah, I know. I just… I hate crying."
Fount bent down in front of the bed of milkcrowns, pulling out a couple of tools through the other-realm.
"It doesn't even help that much," he muttered, digging a small hole to place the flower, "It just… makes you tired. I'd rather just fix whatever the problem is."
Healer sat next to him, running his hands through the flowerbed.
"Well, sometimes you can't solve it, can you?"
"I—I'm supposed to."
"But you can't. And when you can't, you need to let it go, right?"
"I know! But I can't stand how it feels to cry, it's stupid, okay!"
Healer paused, "Then do something else?"
"I'm— I'm planning on it," Fount shoveled the dirt over the flowers roots, "I just… don't know if what I'm thinking of will work, but it's better than nothing, I guess."
"What were you thinking of?"
"I was thinking of writing about it. Somehow. I don't know."
Healer smiled, "As long as you aren't getting hurt, okay?"
"Mhm. We should— go back up now."
Fount pushed himself up, Healer following.
Healer stumbled, leaning onto Fount.
"Healer— you okay?"
Healer sighed, "Just… tired. I'll be fine, come on."
"No—I don't— I don't want you to fall down the stairs, okay?"
"Fount, I can stand."
"No. Come on, we can just go through a portal this time, please?"
Healer hesitated, his hands tightening around Fount.
"Okay."
Fount opened a portal, stepping through it with his arms still around Healer.
Healer stumbled as soon as Fount let him go, leaning against the bed.
"Healer? What's wrong?"
"I just… need to sleep…"
Fount pulled him up into the bed, "Are you sure?"
"I don't… know."
"Have you eaten?"
Healer didn't respond.
Fount opened the portal again, pulling a piece of bread through.
"Eat it," Fount demanded, practically shoving it into his mouth.
Healer took it, moving it away from his mouth.
"I'm not that hungry."
"So you are hungry, then?"
Healer frowned.
"Eat it."
"Fount, I really don't need—"
"You do. You're hardly staying up."
"I don't want to—"
Fount pushed it into his mouth, "You have to. Come on, you know that."
"Fount…"
"Please, just eat it."
Healer sighed, taking a bite of the bread and swallowing it before setting it to the side.
"There. I'm done."
"Healer."
Fount grabbed it, giving it back to him.
"Finish it. You cannot just eat one bite."
"Fount, I'm fine, I pro—"
"No. Eat the bread."
Healer picked the bread back up, taking another bite.
Fount watched as he ate about half the bread.
"Is that better?" Healer asked, passing it back to Fount.
Fount frowned. "Are you truly not going to finish it?"
Healer shook his head, "I can't."
Fount took the bread, tossing it into the other-realm. He could deal with it in the morning.
He pulled Healer back close to him.
"I'm sorry," Healer muttered, putting his hand into Fount's.
Fount sighed, "I'm not… mad at you. I'm just worried about you."
"You don't need to be."
"I—Of course I do. I want to make sure you're okay. I don't— you don't like seeing me get hurt. I don't want you to either."
"I'm fine, Fount. It's okay. I was just… acting stupid."
Fount rubbed behind Healer's ear.
Healer looked up at him.
"You should be nicer to yourself, you know," Fount muttered, kissing the star on his forehead.
"Well maybe you should, too."
Fount scoffed, "No way. You deserve it, and I—"
"Fount."
"What?"
"You also deserve it."
Fount twirled a strand of Healer's hair, "Soooo you're admitting that you do deserve it, then?"
"I— well, if you truly think so."
"I know so. I'm the Fount of Knowledge, darling. You really should listen to me more, you know!"
Healer chuckled, "Well, I think maybe my Fount should go to sleep."
"So should you!"
"Mhm, of course starlight. Both of us should."
"Fine. But only because you need it."
"You do too!"
"No, I don't."
"My Fount."
"Orchid."
Healer sighed, adjusting so that he was completely on top of Fount, "Well, even if you won't admit you need it, at least you are going to sleep."
"Why are you on top of me?"
Healer frowned, "Can't I cuddle you?"
"I— Of course you can, but you don't need to be completely on top of me!"
"Hm. Maybe, if someone didn't keep getting up in the middle of the night, then someone would have no need to be on top of him."
"Oh come on! You know I have things to do!"
"Mhm. And I'm sure they're so much more important than your sleep, darling."
"They are."
"You know, maybe I just don't want to wake up alone."
"I—" Fount sighed, "I know. But you don't have to be on top of me for me to stay either."
"Aw, what if I just want to? You are quite comfortable…"
"No! I am not a pillow, Orchid!"
"Mmm… you're comfy like one."
"Get off."
Healer tilted his head.
"Please."
Healer chuckled, "Alright, darling."
He rolled off, immediately snuggling into Fount's side.
"I love you," Healer mumbled, seeming to already be drifting off.
Fount smiled, kissing him on the forehead.
"I love you too."