Chapter Text
In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Out, six, seven, eight.
Repeat. Again.
He wishes the voice in his head right now could've been his. His mom's. Even his dad's would have been tolerable. The panic that sets in sometimes, catches him by surprise. He had thought the working with his bow this morning would have taken care of it.
Still, all he can see are the Clave members as he closes his eyes. All he hears is the cutting edge of his superiors telling him he can't afford to fail this time or he and his family will be thrown out and shamed. Excommunicated for life, because he would have failed to follow a single order.
And the worst part- He is going to fail this one. And the only way everybody he loves makes it intact, is if he severs all connections to them.
That part is something Alex was able to make peace with quite quickly. Isabelle the only one who knows of his entire plan, had some choice words to say about them. She had told him bluntly, with her frustration nearly boiling over about what she thought of his idiotic plan. But, he loves her and more importantly knows her enough to know that she understands why it has to be this way. Why it has to be him. He's the one who protects. The one who faces the consequences. He'd rather be torn apart than loose anybody else.
It's what he promised himself when he lied to Aline for the nth time. She gets him the most out of all his colleagues here but he doubts she understands the full weight of what he's been doing here for the past year. She would have undoubtedly went scorched Earth, when she realised the deception, that the Clave were planning. And that would have been before she understood enough about the situation to realise how personally Helen had been targeted in their deception.
He's felt more kinship with his father these past six months, than he has his entire life. He understands now, how easy it is to get taken over by the flood of the system. To tell yourself that you are just following orders. To give up personal responsibility for acceptance by the group he belongs to. As the lies get easier, the rhythm sways and convinces you that compliance is the right thing.
He's so glad he met Clary Fairchild. He would tell her that when he meets her for the last time. She was the catalyst for many of the biggest and best changes that happened in his life. She protected him from committing horrifying acts. He likes to think he would have developed enough of a conscience by himself with time. But he doesn't know if he could lived with his past actions after that. Or if he would have found the courage to do the right thing even if he realised how wrong they were.
It's the irony of knowing he once had the life he could only have dreamed of, and that now he has to destroy it limb from limb. The Clave are an infection that is spreading. He needs to amputate while he still can.
There are still small mercies. Jace is focused on helping Clary after the angels allowed her to return to the Shadow World. He had thought it would have been difficult to keep things from Jace but it just got easier with time.
He breathes in his isolation. He cannot disappoint anybody here. There is nobody he is putting in active danger. No person making sacrifices again and again so that he doesn't get hurt. He is the wall of defense he always dreamed of being. He is quiet, he is discrete and he doesn't have to feel his emotions at all.
There is a safety in his empty room and his lack of a social life. He has no questions to ask of himself that require answers he does not want to give. He knows the people of New York hate him. He also knows they will hate him more after he does what he has set out to do. He can almost hear Isabelle asking him about why they can't ask for help. Why he can't ask. She mentions Luke and Raphael and Catarina and even Lorenzo but he's never going to those people.
Luke looks at him like he's trying to look into his soul. Raphael and Catarina looked extremely disappointed the one time they met him before he left. He can see how they think he is unworthy of the pain he has caused. Fortunately, Alex also knew all along. It was just easier to lie when Magnus was here. He won't even mention Madzie.
But he does get some concessions in his life. Magnus is not here. He doesn't remember any of them according to Isabelle and has no intention of associating with them after finding out that Izzy is the Head of the New York Institute and a Lockwood. Small mercies. Plus according to the Warlock community whose relationships Izzy and Alex managed to save by the skin of their teeth, Magnus has no interest in returning.
He's made it quite clear he won't come back for atleast another half a century, till the Circle members remain part of the Institute. He thinks he's been pushed out by the Institute and Lorenzo for his position. He doesn't understand it was a demand by the Warlock Council for Magnus' safety.
Alex had agreed to that one without hesitation. He had made sure to act like he had returned to the Clave defeated. He wonders if Magnus' will ever know how happy Alex had been that Magnus had been finally acknowledged for all his worth. That Alec had a weight lifted off his shoulder knowing Magnus was cherished.
Its fun weirdly these past few months playing these various games with the Clave. Pretending to always loose at chess, but setting up his board of dominoes. They won't know what hit them. He won't either. He'll have to leave and abscond from his duties. He will have tarnished his name forever.
But he knows it is not a name worth keeping by being complicit in the vile actions of the Clave. The Seelie are their first target. But not their last by a longshot. Magnus would have loved the conspiracy. He would have guessed the actions and hypocrisy of each key player accurately. He would have thrashed their plans completely. He still would have had grace to show towards other Shadowhunters, despite the fact that all of them have contributed, even if a only a little, to this system of oppression.
He is magic itself. Alec will never see him again. He's done everything to make sure of that.
He hopes when he leaves that Magnus gets the ring. That he keeps it even if he doesn't understand why. That he knows that he is loved. With abundant devotion no matter how far Alec is.
Magnus is the love of his life. He always will be. Alec has no intention of ever meeting him again. Can't risk Magnus finding out what Alec traded. What Asmodeus lied about. What he's been hiding from even Isabelle for the past 18 months.
But, it's not all that deep despite the self doubt. He just has to set up some players there. Leak some information, give the final plan to Izzy, alert Luke and his mom about the potential fall out, size up Simon, avoid Jace while expressing his gratitude to Clary and not have major contact with anybody from his past life.
He's already envisioned his future. Quietly by himself, loving and protecting his family from afar.
Plus, he doubts the Seelie will just believe what he says. There will be a price to pay. Fortunately, it will be easier to pay by himself.
He almost chickens out of going to New York but catches himself. He cannot let his thought win. He decides to sweat the second guessings away but reminds himself of one important thing- He is choosing this. It is his salvation. It's his goodbye. He will see it through.