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They didn't talk about it. They didn't need to talk about it.
Morty was fine, or so he thought.
After the Fear Hole, a lot of things stayed the same, nothing had changed at all, except that Morty stopped going to adventures that often at his own decision, sure, there was the heist, there was the easter bunny, but those weren't really... Morty didn't count them as adventures.
Maybe adventures weren't as exciting as before, maybe Morty is just growing up, maybe the Fear Hole did take it's tool out of him.
You see, Morty hasn't paid too much mind, has tried not to, but in the big scheme of things, he had accepted two things, that he already knew, after that.
A. Rick wasn't going to always come back for him. (Morty wasn't that replaceable, but he wasn't a necessity either.)
B. He didn't need to depend on Rick for everything. (Morty was more than enough by himself.)
It wasn't like, the most revealing thing at all. Morty knew some basics of them long ago, Rick cares but not enough to save him, he himself is the only one he can fully trust, but it's too dependent.
”Did you really need to erase the memory of Diane to be the person that we needed?" The question seems out of the blue.
They had been watching TV together, well, not exactly together. Morty had been staring holes into the TV when Rick came out of the garage and put on some stupid ass program to distract himself after his, like, fifth failed date. He had been dating a lot, he had been focusing on the family a lot too.
Morty can't really appreciate that, even when he tries it. It's just not on him, he doesn't think it will ever be.
“¿Excuse me?"
“I-i think you heard me.” Morty wasn't meaning to sound rude, he just knows best, Rick always hears him, even when distracted, now it's not different.
Rick just want to test ground, to see if Morty really wants to start this conversation or is having second thoughts, even if he wants to stop for a second and formulate better the question. Morty doesn't.
But he still does it for Rick's sake.
“Do you- do you remember the Fear Hole?”
It seemed like a completely change of subject, but it really wasn't. That had been one of their last actual adventures together, kinda, because it was only a Morty thing at the end, he entered alone he left alone, he passed the fear hole alone, either way, Morty considered important for both of them, something shifted in their relationship after that.
Not because Rick had had a revelation or something, but because Morty started to do things for himself, not only Rick, he started to put actual boundaries, he started to be more confident, to not ask for things anymore, he had started to learn how to be independent and navigating through it, even when it seems there has no been a big change at all their relationship, Morty is still learning.
“Yeah. You went down like, for 30 minutes, worried me a lot.” Morty frowned, looking away, he wouldn't describe "worry" as some emotion Rick could show at that time, maybe amusement, excitement, even eagerness to be next.
“Funny.”
They stayed quiet a few minutes, Rick clearly wanted to give Morty time to figure out his words and talk at his own rhythm, Morty hated that. He knows is not healthy at all, but he misses the old Rick, his old Rick.
The one that didn't give a shit but was way too caring anyway, the one that crossed his limits in every way but still respected boundaries, the one that drank until dawn, the one that... Huh, Morty was quiet selfish, wasn't he? Rick was getting over his trauma, Rick was healing, and here was Morty wanting to pull him down anyway.
“Is everything okay, Morty?”
“You did.... You did love D-diane, right grandpa Rick?” He asks, not wanting to drift away of his original idea of conversation, he can't miss this opportunity, not when they are talking less and less these last months. “Like- Were you- You- I mean...”
“You know i- you know I love you too, right Morty? You're not THAT stupi- stupid, right?” The insult felt comforting after weeks without alone time together, he feels kinda stupid.
It was like a kiss after a punch, Morty loathed how cruel it feels, but craves it anyway, because it was their normal. He hates how comforting it feels even though he has tried to get away from him, from Rick, and he hates that Rick changes because it makes him feel like his anger isn't reasonable anymore.
Now that Rick is a good person, at least for the family, Morty's anger seems wrong, because Rick hasn't done anything bad in weeks to them, is not like he had talked to Morty that much after erasing Diane's either way, but still. Morty feels like a 5 year old crying for a crayon.
“Do you know why I decided this was the better decision, baby?” Morty clenched his fists at the nickname. “I thought it was obvious enough, but now it seems as it isn't, huh...”
“G-go to the point, Rick. I don't- I don't want mindless talk, ju-just... Why?”
“What?”
“Why now? After everythi- after everything we've done together, a-after every time I begged you to- to stop, after every... I'm- I've been trying a lot, you know? And it's, it's, it's never enough for you, I'M never enough for you.”
The silence stretched, with Rick not knowing how to answer at that voiced hurt and Morty trying not to cry in the spot.
“I have- I have been trough all of wha- what you've done because- cause I like- I love you, Rick... I'm- I lost hope that you could- could- you could change because you're a bad person, and- and even when you're making amends with th- the family- the family I can't accept it.” Is he being dramatic? Maybe he is, but oh, it hurts so much... “I put mm- my life on risk every time f-for you... And- and if erasing the person you love most in thee- t- the universe make you this bet-tter, then what am I?”
Morty has never considered to compare himself with Diane, after all, she was so good, the only person that could probably make Rick obey anything, the one that Rick loves the most and has sacrificed everything to make her come back, the one Rick truly loved...
What was Morty then? If Diane was that easily erased, if the absence of Diane's memory made Rick this good, what place had Morty to think he was important enough? He can't even be happy about his family getting a better Rick, one that loves them and shows it.
He can't be happy because Rick scarred him that deeply that he can't see how good this is, he can't see that others care about him, he can't see that Rick is doing good and that the family isn't falling apart anymore because he still is.
His hands search for something to grab on, unconsciously, to make himself hurt physically and a top spiralling, he doesn't have close his cutter so he conforms with his nails instead, scratching his arms till they are red, opening a few scars that were recently healing and making them bleed. Morty thinks he hears Rick talking to him or yelling and feels being manhandled but can't concentrate long enough to actually stop and listen.
“MORTY!”
When his eyes focus again, he blinks away the tears that he didn't notice scaping. Morty looks around, his face is pressed against Rick's shoulder, who is holding both of his hands apart and his body is in top of him to restring his movement.
Morty's brown-ish red eyes tries to look at Rick, only noticing the burn he feels on his wrist, that were probably bleeding right now, he sighs, regulating his breathing, he didn't know what happened, really, he just blacked out for a second.
He considers telling Rick to get off him, but the tears win the race with his thoughts and he just starts to sob on Rick's shoulder meanwhile his grandpa hugs him.
This conversation really got out of his hand the moment he tried to confront his feelings, huh.
–––
Rick doesn't actually knows how to explain what happened. One second Morty was complaining and expressing his feelings and the other second they were struggling against each other when he noticed Morty picking at his scars and making himself bleed.
It was definitely a sort of panic attack, Morty had been trashing against him for at least 7 minutes, screaming at the air and trying to keep hurting himself, it has been so suddenly that the only solution he found was manhandle the kid and stop any kind of movement he could do, it was the first time he had seen Morty crash out like this.
It was kinda scary.
Then Morty started crying and all just... Stopped. He hugs his grandson tightly, letting go of the bleeding wrist and holding the kid on his lap to cuddle him, poor darling was so tired and emotionally strained right now it was difficult to not have pity for him. Morty clearly had been neglecting himself since... Since when?
Rick actually can't remember the last time they were alone and spend time together, since the Fear Hole they didn't have dates or adventures together, Rick had been busy with his own things and Morty had been... Somewhere...
Rick sighs, he sometimes hates the capability Morty has of feeling everything much stronger that your average person, it wasn't hard to actually see it, and after that monologue that led to a panic attack Rick knows the kid is still resentful, and though valid, he wish Morty could just forget and be happy with the new of the Smith family.
With this more stable family relationship.
“Y-you make me ss-so mad somee-sometimes...” That little voice made him freeze a bit, Morty sounds so vulnerable and tiny and actually his age.
“I know...”
“Y-you're such an- a- you're miserable.... You get off on m-making people ssu-suffer and don't care that- that- I- I can't help but hate you somet- sometimes...” The kid sobs, gripping Rick's shirt hard, his breathing is all wrong and he's shaking so hard Rick fears he could break.
“I know, baby.”
“Don't call me that! You don't- you don't... You don't deserve a sin-single thing fro- from me, you don't... I-” Morty face is red as he talks, eyes drowning on tears as he buries himself on Rick's body, who just holds him as gentle as he can. “Why must you make me suffer this much...? Am I- am I a toy t-to you? A-am i-...”
He doesn't answer, knowing that either way Morty is going to refute anything he says, settling by just run his hands through the brown curls of his kid and cradling him close, trying to calm him down. He's so out of his scene and space he actually can't think of another thing to do, he's not someone people look for comfort and this is just... A lot.
“Will I ever be okay?”
“You will, buddy.”
And maybe that was fine for now, it wasn't a promise or a statement, but it was enough for now. And maybe Morty's anger would never go away, and maybe Rick could never make amends with him, but for now all that it mattered was being in each other's arms.