Chapter Text
Pop.
Slurp.
Pop.
Smack.
Crunch.
“I swear to God, Buckley, if you reach for another Tootsie Pop right now, Jee Yun is growing up with one uncle instead of two,” Chim threatens loudly from behind his laptop at the firehouse kitchen table.
“I’m trying to find out how many licks it actually takes to the center of one of these things,” Buck says, “but I keep biting it before I get there.”
Eddie snorts from where he sits on the couch, opposite Buck, whose puffy, stained red lips and teeth are chomping away happily at the Tootsie Roll center of his cherry lollipop.
“How can you even hear him from over there?” Eddie calls back since Buck’s mouth is stuffed full of sticky sugar. Chim is working on paperwork at the kitchen table while the rest of the team is settled into the couches nearby.
“You see, Di-ahz,” Chim starts. It’s never a good sign when he uses Eddie’s last name outside of a call. “The rest of you are enjoying your candy quietly, like normal adults. Buck, on the other hand, is sucking on his like it’s a-“
“Children in the firehouse,” Maddie’s voice rings out as she appears at the top of the stairs. “Jee and Nash wanted to stop by to say hi to Daddy and Uncle Buck, and they heard there’s candy!”
Eddie watches as Jee beelines straight for Buck, or so he thinks until her tiny hands dig into the bag of Tootsie Pops in front of him. She pulls out a red one that will surely color her mouth the same shade as Buck’s is now.
Eddie glances back up at Buck, assessing the damage created by the confection, only to realize Buck is already watching him. He quickly looks away, selecting a new flavor to unwrap with Jee, and Eddie watches intently as the orange lollipop disappears behind his plump, red lips. Something in his belly flutters and he turns away, suddenly noticing just how hot the loft has become.
“So where did you guys get all these, anyway?” Maddie asks, popping one of the raspberry candy pops in her mouth.
“That cargo truck rollover you sent us out on earlier,” Chim says, gesturing to the boxes and boxes of Tootsie Pops stacked around the loft. “You’re looking at the cargo. The driver insisted since they’d have to throw them out otherwise, so we packed the engine and brought ‘em back here.”
“There’s more in the bunk room, too,” Ravi says, shaking his head.
“And in our cars,” Hen adds. “I have a feeling the kids are going to be riding a sugar high for the foreseeable future if they realize their supply is nearly unlimited.”
“Buck’s on number 5 already,” Eddie tells Maddie, and he feels like a tattle-tale when Buck gives him a ‘what the fuck,’ shrug.
“6, actually,” he corrects, smiling up at Maddie from the ground where he slid down to sit next to Jee. He turns to Eddie, “Had one in the engine on the way back, remember?”
“Oh, of course, how could I forget?” Eddie feels another wave of heat rush through him at the memory of Buck sucking and licking a dark purple pop across from him in the engine. The way he’d waved it around as he spoke, before bringing it back to swirl on his tongue, clacking it against his teeth in excitement. Then how he’d shoved it into his cheek, letting the roundness create a bulge there that kind of looked like…
“I wish I could forget,” Chim laments. “If you sugar crash, you’re man behind - no argument.”
“Come onnnn,” Buck whines, and the sound hits some sort of internal button in Eddie that makes him incapable of not smiling.
Buck inevitably crashes once his sister departs with the kids, passing out on the couch next to Eddie per usual. His head leans heavily on his shoulder while Eddie reads a book about whales he’d borrowed from Buck himself. The physical contact is nice, if only because it’s something Eddie’s been lacking these days. To say he’s been a bit touch-starved would be an understatement, and Buck’s head on his shoulder, a small string of drool wetting the fabric of his t-shirt, is actually…well, it’s nice.
Suddenly, Buck shoots upright next to Eddie.
“Guys, I have an amazing idea of what we can do with the Tootsie Pops!”
And that’s how Buck comes to suggest a department-wide fundraiser to find out just how many licks there are to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
**********
Preparation, or as Buck starts calling it, training, begins their next shift. He’ll be the one doing the licking, and the general public will purchase tickets to guess how many licks it’ll take him to reach the center of a single Tootsie Pop. Guesses will be accepted for a whole month leading up to a final fundraising event where they’ll plan to have raffle baskets, fun activities for the kids, a barbeque and, finally, the main event.
The rules for the ‘main event’ are simple, according to Buck:
- For every five licks, he can suck it once.
- No biting.
- It can not enter the mouth fully for more than one ‘suck’ at any time.
- The count will lock in as soon as the Tootsie Roll center is reached, no matter where or how large a section.
- Have fun!
None of this is a problem for Eddie, of course. The words ‘lick’ and ‘suck’ aren’t etched into his brain permanently. It’s for charity - he can’t have a problem if it’s for a good cause. Except…
Except training means Buck now has a lollipop in his mouth more often than not, and for some reason it’s doing something to him. Maybe it’s just the fact that watching anyone essentially fellate a Tootsie Pop will put thoughts in any man’s head. And, not for nothing, it isn’t like the juices have been moving much in that regard over the last two years. It doesn’t mean it’s Buck that suddenly has him imagining sloppy blow jobs from a faceless person - it’s simply the images it conjures.
And, well, it really will be fine, except it isn’t just during his free time that he’s been indulging. Every time they ride in the engine Buck pops one in his mouth for ‘practice,’ making Ravi keep count on a clicker for him or asking Hen for advice on technique.
“Buck, I’m not sure that would be my area of expertise, if you know what I mean,” she finally says, after trying to conjure up generic tips and tricks the third time Buck asks.
“And I don’t think this is a work-appropriate discussion,” Chim advises from the front seat.
“What do you mean, work appropriate? It’s a lollipop, guys,” Buck says, appearing slightly offended at the implication.
“To be fair, you did just ask the lesbian for tips on licking, sooo,” Ravi points out.
“Ewww, I didn’t mean that,” Buck says, pulling the stick out of his mouth with a loud pop, actually looking offended now. “If I had questions about that, I’d just ask myself! Or Eddie, he’s straight, I’m sure he’s…”
He’s immediately cut off when Eddie starts choking on air and Chim clears his throat from the front seat, signaling an end to the discussion. Buck’s eyes go wide at his own words, and he immediately shuts his mouth. Words that imply that Eddie…well, that he does something that he really hasn’t done in a very long time, and isn’t even sure he likes doing all that much. But it’s always really been for his partner’s enjoyment more than anything and he’s always been happy to please - it’s not like people usually enjoy doing that. It’s just a favor, a gift. It’s something straight guys do for their girlfriends to get them off and make them happy because they love them. It’s fine. It’s totally fine. And yup, Eddie is officially spiraling.
Harry breaks the awkward silence, “Wait, I’m confused, is the lollipop supposed to represent a man or a wo-“
Chim’s voice thankfully comes over the radio, interrupting the question that Eddie wasn’t interested in learning the answer to. “Enough, everyone, we’re here,” he says, and the team piles out of the engine to help a family who thought filling their pool with orbeez and getting inside was a good idea.
Thankfully, the call is relatively simple and involves pulling a family of five out of the deep end of a pool, all while providing safety information for future Orbeez use. The whole time, Eddie thinks he can feel Buck’s eyes nervously appraising him, but he’s pretty sure if he turns to check, he’ll explode into a thousand tiny orbeez-sized pieces and mix right in with the mess before them.
Eddie is out of his element. What exactly does Buck mean by ‘he’s straight,’ anyway? He is, of course - obviously, but the way Buck says it makes it sound…wrong? It doesn’t sit right with him the entire ride back to the station.
“Hey, Buck, got a minute?” Eddie asks, coming up behind Buck once they’re all back out of the engine. Buck turns around just in time for Eddie to see him tuck a new Tootsie Pop into his cheek like a chipmunk. A very large, very muscular chipmunk with lips like soft, pink pillows. Shit.
“Never mind, actually. I’ll catch you later,” Eddie says, attempting to turn and flee.
“Nah, you’re good, man. What’s up?”
What is up? Why had Eddie stopped him in the first place? Eddie’s eyes drop down to Buck’s lips momentarily, watching them move around the glistening candy in his mouth. It’s a yellow one, not a classic flavor…maybe pineapple? He’s always heard that pineapple is supposed to make your cum taste sweet. He starts to wonder if an artificially flavored lollipop would have the same effect when he freezes mid-thought.
He absolutely cannot be having thoughts like that while standing in front of his best friend at their place of employment. Bad Eddie, he internally scolds himself.
Buck seemingly has no care in the world regarding Eddie’s inner turmoil and continues sliding the yellow candy between his lips and across his tongue noisily. He waits patiently for Eddie to speak, but the words never form on his lips.
“You okay? You’re looking a little-“ Buck prods him.
“I’m good,” Eddie says immediately, “just, uh- I guess I wanted to ask you about earlier.”
Buck smiles apologetically, “Yeah, sorry, I know how private you can be about your sex life, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Totally fine, brother,” Eddie says, kicking himself internally for his choice of words after the images that have been on a loop in his mind.
“Not like I’d need any advice anyway,” Buck casually brags, oblivious to Eddie’s pounding heart inches away. “I’ve been told I’m very good with my mouth.”
“Mmm,” Eddie manages to say.
Buck apparently takes this as a sign to continue, which he does enthusiastically.
“Actually. I was kind of worried my skills wouldn’t translate well to men,” he says, lowering his voice and leaning closer to Eddie. How the fuck is he not picking up on the thumping from Eddie’s chest right now? “But I really had nothing to be worried about. I’ve got a bit of an oral fixation, if you know what I mean.”
“You don’t say,” Eddie replies, pointedly eyeing the lollipop hanging out of Buck’s mouth. Buck just winks and turns on his heel, heading up to the loft and leaving Eddie out of breath and very confused.
**********
Eddie thinks about their interaction over and over again. Sweeping floors with Ravi, he’s thinking about Buck. Washing windows with Harry, he’s thinking about Buck. Polishing the engine with Buck himself, he’s still thinking about Buck.
“I’m gonna need you to stop thinking so hard,” Hen calls him out after 10 minutes of restocking the ambulance together. “Tell me what’s on your mind or you’re finishing up in here on your own.”
Eddie considers the offer for a minute - more work for some quiet time to think more thoughts. Alone. It’s tempting, but then Hen will absolutely call him on it if he tries.
“Just been having a weird day,” he says offhandedly, avoiding eye contact as he counts ice packs.
“Weird how, exactly?” Hen asks.
His eyes automatically dart out the back of the ambulance, finding Buck far away chatting idly with Harry. Hen must track his line of sight because she draws a small breath in and says
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“Are you and Buck fighting?” she asks curiously. There’s no judgment in her voice, but there is something he can’t quite place.
“No, we’re not fighting,” Eddie says. “It’s just…the Tootsie Pops are distracting, right?”
Hen’s eyebrows scrunch together. “Distracting? Distracting how?”
“Like he’s always sucking on them,” Eddie says, sure that once Hen understands, she’ll agree with him. “And Buck is Buck, so it’s really not appropriate for him to be doing that all day.”
“Buck is Buck? I’m not sure I follow,” Hen says, narrowing her eyes at him.
“He’s hot!” Eddie spits out and immediately regrets it. “Like objectively. Buck is objectively hot, right? So he shouldn’t be walking around like that just…sucking on things.”
Hen’s eyebrows are no longer scrunched but raised higher than Eddie’s ever seen them, and he feels like he’s just said something incriminating.
“Well, objectively, sure, Buck is considered ‘hot.’ But I like women, so no, Buck doesn’t get me all hot and bothered,” she says with a small smile.
“So, seeing him do that doesn’t make you think about…things?”
“Sure, it makes me think things…murder, strangulation, ripping that lollipop out of his mouth and shoving it…actually, no, he’d probably enjoy that.” Hen shudders in disgust and Eddie can’t help but laugh. “But no, it definitely doesn’t inspire any forbidden fantasies about our good friend Buck in my mind.”
Eddie’s face must betray him, because Hen reaches to close the ambulance doors, then comes to crouch in front of him. She takes his hand in hers, her warm, smooth skin a comfort as he realizes he’s got tears pricking his eyes.
“Can I ask you a question?”
He nods, half expecting her to pull out an ‘Am I Gay?’ quiz for him to take on her phone. Instead, she asks one question. “Are you surprised by any of this?”
Immediately, his brain supplies the answer for him.
“No.”
And what he thinks should be a bigger shift, a huge earth-shattering change that rocks his entire world, is actually just things sliding the last few inches into place.
Eight years of being best friends. Multiple near-death experiences and countless traumas. Calling out for each other when all hope seemed lost. Taking care of each other when they were at their lowest. Trips to the zoo and the beach and Christmas bazaars, followed by countless family dinners for three and endless movie nights. Chasing after Buck in the desert, holding his head in his hands after he managed to escape, and feeling his pulse to prove he’s alive. Wanting to lean down and kiss him, surrounded by dust and covered in blood in the middle of nowhere.
Things finally make sense and it’s because of a damn lollipop.
**********
The realization, unfortunately, only makes everything more difficult for Eddie over the following week because, along with the realization that the feelings he has for his best friend are less than platonic, comes the secondary realization that Buck doesn’t feel the same way.
It’s probably for the best, Eddie thinks. He knows he comes with baggage, and Buck deserves someone who won’t weigh him down. Eddie just wishes it could be him. But even if Buck has feelings for him, Eddie’s sure he wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret, which just proves his point further that they’re just friends.
Except Eddie is a very, very bad friend these days.
He doesn’t mean to do it, but when he gets home from a long shift he goes to undress and finds a Tootsie Pop stashed away in his jeans pocket. He must have stuck it there at some point and forgotten, and after an incredibly draining shift where he was faced with Buck sucking on these things from the time he arrived to the time he left, he’s developed what must be a Pavlovian response. He unwraps it, and stares at it, cock hardening in his briefs at the simple sight.
Before he can think twice, he gets into bed, pops it in his mouth, and slides a hand around himself. He’s half delirious with lack of sleep, but his cock is awake and throbbing under his palm. He sucks on the cherry lollipop as he strokes himself, broad daylight streaming in from his bedroom window. He can’t remember the last time he jerked off in the middle of the day.
He keeps sucking on the Tootsie Pop, tasting the tangy sweetness as his tongue traces the ridges, mimicking the way he’s been watching Buck do it all day. Familiar slurping sounds escape his mouth, and he squeezes his eyes shut, imagining Buck is the one making them.
His cock stiffens further as Eddie pictures Buck’s lips working themselves around the pop, spreading the sticky color in a way that looks like lip gloss on his already plump lips. He pictures those lips wrapping around the head of his cock and Buck’s pretty blue eyes looking up at him, pupils blown with arousal.
A needy moan escapes his lips and he works his fist harder, thankful he has the house to himself as the sound of slapping skin fills the room. The lollipop rattles against his teeth as he loses concentration. He sucks again, tasting cherry, and wonders what it would be like to taste Buck instead. To have his cock in his mouth rather than the other way around.
Eddie shoves the lollipop deeper down his throat, hitting the back wall and imagining it's Buck’s dick instead. Except, no, Buck’s dick would be bigger, Eddie’s sure of it. He would slide right down Eddie’s throat and fuck his mouth until he came and then Eddie would swallow everything he could.
He comes hard, a choked cry drowning out every other sound in the room as he spills over his stomach and fist, orgasm overtaking his entire body with an unfamiliar intensity. It’s not like he’s never had good sex, and he knows the best ways to get himself off like the back of his hand, but this- this feeling is other-worldly.
Eddie takes a few minutes to come back to his body. He’s boneless and panting in the best way, grateful he apparently thought to tuck the Tootsie Pop in his cheek and isn’t currently choking on it. Every nerve ending in his body is crackling with electricity, and if he were a younger man, he thinks he’d be desperate to go again with a bottle of Gatorade and a prayer.
He doesn’t think too hard about it at first. It’s not until he’s washing off the evidence in the shower that it really sinks in. He just jerked off to the idea of his best friend. Buck coming down his throat was the thing that sent him hurdling towards his climax. He’s never going to be able to look him in the eye again, he’s sure of it.
He doesn’t have much time to ponder that thought, because as soon as he’s out of the shower and changed into a pair of shorts, he hears his front door open and Buck’s heavy footsteps.
“Hey, Eddie, where are you?” Buck calls out from the kitchen. “I know you’re here, I saw your car.”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Eddie whispers to himself, making his bed quickly and smoothing the pillows in an absurd effort to ‘hide the evidence.’ He pulls on a shirt, steels himself, and heads out of his room to find out why Buck has shown up unannounced.
Eddie enters his dining room from the hall and is immediately greeted with a dozen paper bags and baskets…so many baskets.
“Hey,” Buck greets him cheerily, like they haven’t just finished a jam-packed shift. “I grabbed everything we need.”
“Uhhh…” Eddie doesn’t remember volunteering for anything, but it seems like Buck is under the impression they had plans.
“For the raffle baskets,” Buck supplies eagerly. “I signed us up, remember?”
And a memory floods Eddie’s mind from earlier in the day - Buck polishing the engine next to him, orange Tootsie Pop in his fingers as he talked about his plans for the raffle. Eddie isn’t ashamed to admit he was a little distracted.
Okay. Maybe he’s a little ashamed, and he was definitely a lot distracted.
“Must have slipped my mind,” he says, joining Buck in the dining room so they can unpack all the raffle items.
He thinks he does a pretty good job of acting normal around Buck, like he hasn’t just orgasmed to the thought of choking on his cock half an hour prior. They brush hands at one point and Eddie’s brain immediately reminds him that his was recently covered in evidence of his friendship betrayal. Regardless, he keeps his cool as they settle into basket-making.
“By the way, why are you all wet?” Buck asks out of the blue. He popped a chocolate Tootsie Pop in about five minutes ago, and Eddie’s been fluffing the same basket ever since.
He wishes he had a better response, but “Huh?” is all he can muster.
Buck gestures to Eddie’s hair, which is not only lacking its usual gel, but is now air-drying after Buck’s sudden arrival.
“Oh, I took a shower,” he supplies.
“You took a shower at work before we left,” he says, narrowing his eyes and cocking his head to one side like a golden retriever. “I saw you blow-dry it.”
Eddie feels himself go red in the face, “I, uh, needed a second shower.”
Buck raises an eyebrow.
“A different kind of shower,” he tries. He’s not even sure what he means, but apparently Buck does.
“Oh shit, Eddie - my bad,” Buck says quickly. “We all need those kinds of showers sometimes.” He gives Eddie a sly, knowing smile and Eddie feels his blush deepen as he averts his eyes.
“No, that’s not what I-“
“Eddie, it’s fine,” Buck assures him. “Hot shower after work, sexy fantasy - I get it, man. After we watched the new Fantastic Four I couldn’t get Pedro Pascal out of my head for weeks. Took lots of special showers.”
“Mmm,” Eddie acknowledges, but doesn’t look up from his basket where he’s tying ribbon around cellophane.
“I bet you’re a JLo guy,” Buck says out of nowhere. Eddie’s heart starts to race. How does he keep getting himself into these situations?
The second he glances over, he catches sight of Buck’s tongue sliding against the brown lollipop as he stares Eddie down, apparently looking for some confirmation that he’s got Eddie’s taste in women pegged.
He makes a non-committal noise and reaches for the scissors to curl the ribbon. Buck refuses to take this as an answer and continues to push.
“What even is your type these days?”
Eddie freezes, looking back at Buck. The lollipop has gone smooth and shiny the more he sucks on it. He’s patiently waiting for an answer that Eddie’s not sure he can give.
“Actually, I-“
He’s saved by the literal bell as his doorbell interrupts them.
“Hold that thought, must be May and Ravi!” Buck shoots up and runs to the front door to let their friends in. Eddie really must have zoned out earlier, because he doesn’t remember discussing this in the slightest. Regardless, they just saved him from a conversation he’s definitely not ready to have.
When they return, Buck is chewing on the Tootsie Roll center of his pop, a sight that’s much easier to handle than sticky lips and a tongue.
“Eddie was just about to clue me into his taste in women,” Buck says as they all sit down around the dining room table. “I’m thinking the fundraiser in a few weeks might be the perfect time to find him a date.”
Ravi’s eyes shoot to Eddie, confused, like there’s a question he wants to ask but doesn’t know how. It’s the same look he gave him in the club that night. He might not know for sure, but he’s suddenly keenly aware that Ravi knows Eddie doesn’t want to date women. That he’s…
“You were right, man, JLo is the dream,” Eddie lies.
“Do I know my best friend, or what?” he says, raising a hand to fist-bump Eddie. He accepts it, but feels the guilt, slick and hot in his belly as Buck unwraps another Tootsie Pop.
**********
The following days are constant torture, but Eddie’s powering through, determined to overcome his crush without destroying their friendship. He’s failing miserably.
When they reach the final week leading up to the fundraiser, Buck is in planning mode. He’s still tucking a lollipop into his mouth every chance he gets, but now he’s added his clipboard.
And it’s not that Eddie’s really ever thought this hard about the clipboard before, let alone Buck with a clipboard. Sure, he’s always enjoyed seeing the take-charge side of Buck, loved listening to him when he gets like this, barking orders at his friends like he’s in charge. Eddie was in the army - he’s usually very good at taking orders.
Except now he finds he really enjoys pushing back on Buck’s commands. The first time he does it is when Buck orders him to triple-count the ‘Guess how many lollipops fit in the jar’ activity for the third time.
“Who did Cap put in charge here?” Buck asks him when he catches Eddie rolling his eyes at the request. “Because I don’t remember him saying Eddie Diaz when he assigned the role of lead fundraising event coordinator, do you?”
Eddie reminds him that he’s already counted the lollipops twice, and a bratty groan emerges from Buck’s lips (right past the raspberry Tootsie Pop stuck there).
“Eddie, come on,” he whines petulantly.
The sound goes to Eddie’s cock in half a second, which is unfortunate because their work slacks aren’t exactly forgiving.
“Fine,” he says, turning on his heel and heading back towards the table holding the large jar filled with Tootsie Pops, if only to hide the swelling in his pants. He takes a few steadying breaths and starts counting, urging his cock to quit it, but he can still hear Buck’s voice giving orders behind him, and it’s doing things to him. Thankfully, stuff starts to quiet down as Eddie finishes the task, and by the time the bell rings again, he’s able to rejoin the group without fear of embarrassment or an HR violation.
The second time he pushes Buck, things don’t go nearly as smoothly.
“This definitely won’t do,” Buck says as soon as Eddie and Hen finish hanging the sign they painted for the event. “Are we doing a Tootsie Pop fundraiser or a Blow Pop fundraiser, because those sure as hell don’t look like Tootsie Pops.” As if to enhance his point, Buck pulls a Tootsie Pop out of his pocket, unwraps it, and shoves it in his mouth.
Eddie’s half-annoyed, half-aroused at the bratty tone of Buck’s voice and the visual in front of him, so he doesn’t stop himself from getting in Buck’s face about it.
“You think you could do better yourself?” he asks, knowing Buck has very little artistic talent on his side.
Buck doesn’t back down, though. Instead, he eyes Eddie, hand resting on his belt buckle as he saunters forward, and says, “I know I could.”
Hen sighs from her side of the banner, and he’s sure he can hear her mumble something along the lines of, “get a room,” before she walks away, leaving them completely alone.
“Then why don’t you? If you’re so confident, be my guest,” Eddie says, gesturing up to the banner, which he actually thinks looks pretty damn good.
“I shouldn’t have to, I told you to do it,” Buck says, shoving a finger in Eddie’s chest.
The feeling reverberates through Eddie’s chest, and the scale tilts closer to aroused than annoyed. He tracks Buck’s mouth, watching the lollipop clack against his teeth as he waits for Eddie’s response.
In a moment of sheer insanity, Eddie reaches up and pulls the Tootsie Pop right out of Buck’s mouth. His jaw hangs open as he watches Eddie pop it into his own mouth and suck hard. Raspberry flavor bursts onto his tongue, but he wishes he could taste Buck instead. He swirls it around and around, and Buck’s eyes follow every subtle movement. Finally, he pulls it back out with a loud, wet ‘Pop,’ and offers it right back to Buck’s waiting mouth. His lips close instinctively around it, and he observes Eddie with wide, bulging eyes, like he can’t believe what he just witnessed.
“Make me,” Eddie whispers, with far more confidence than he’s feeling inside, before turning on his heel and heading up to the loft to ponder every decision he’s ever made.
*********
Buck doesn’t mention it. Not even once. He just watches Eddie all night, and notably doesn’t consume another lollipop for the rest of their shift. He also, thankfully, doesn’t make them redo the banner.
Eddie knows he screwed up. He let his emotions get the better of him, and he did something so close to crossing a line that he was practically dancing on it. Hell, maybe Buck should file a sexual harassment claim on him with HR, but what would it even say? Deranged coworker stole my lollipop, then gave it back in the most sexually charged way imaginable?
Despite the bad parts, it helps him realize one thing: he’s not getting over this crush on Buck, because it’s not just a crush. He’s in love with him. Probably has been for years. The thought scares him less than it should. Logically, his brain tells him he should be terrified at the thought of Buck finding out, or him hating Eddie for ruining things. He should be scared of losing his best friend and of his kid losing a father figure. But for some reason, thinking about loving Buck is the one thing keeping him sane.
The final days before the fundraiser go by in a blur of activity, not a single moment wasted on frivolous conversations. It’s a relief, really, that they don’t talk about it. On some level, Eddie really is grateful. Instead, he spends his time carefully helping out in ways that don’t put him directly in Buck’s vicinity. Each time Buck asks for a volunteer, Eddie’s hand flies into the air. A trip to the store to pick up lollipop-decorating ingredients - check. Handing out flyers outside the station - check. Decorating the firehouse with each new, complicated craft Buck buys - check.
The shift before the big day, the kit for the balloon arch arrives, and Eddie’s determined to turn it into a one-man assignment.
All is going according to plan as he blows up balloon after balloon with a tank of compressed air, attaching them to the arch just as the instructions say. It’s slow work, and would definitely be easier with a partner, but he’s been having trouble looking his usual partner in the eye, despite staring at him every time he’s turned away. Eddie has resigned himself to completing this task alone, so he’s not prepared when Ravi appears behind him, offering to help.
“Hey, you looked like you might need a hand. What can I do?”
Eddie’s about to argue, but he’s only a quarter of the way done and they’ve only got a few hours left of their shift. Even barring any calls, he’ll be here working until long after Chris needs to be picked up if he doesn’t accept Ravi’s help.
“Sure, just grab a section and start blowing,” Eddie says, nodding to the pile of balloons.
Ravi snorts, and it takes a minute for Eddie to catch up to his own double meaning. At least they’re not actually blowing these up by mouth - he’s not sure if he’d be able to handle it if Buck somehow made eye contact with him while his lips were wrapped around a balloon.
God, maybe Eddie just needs to get laid. He could do that, right? Women had liked him just fine - the same should go for men. It would probably help him to take his mind off things. But that’s not what he actually wants and he knows it. He’s never been one to sleep around or hook up just for the sake of an orgasm. Apparently, that’s something that hasn’t changed with this life-changing realization and unfortunately, the only person he wants that with is the person he absolutely can’t have.
“Do you realize you’re staring or…” Ravi asks, bringing Eddie back to reality with a jolt.
“Huh?” He asks, trying to play it cool. Inside, he’s sweating buckets at the accusation.
Ravi rolls his eyes, “Dude, you’ve been kind of shamelessly staring at him all week, did you not notice? Are you guys fighting or something?”
Eddie’s lost for words and Ravi just keeps watching him.
“I, uhh,” he attempts. “We’re not fighting - did he say we’re fighting?”
“No, when I asked he got all nervous and made up an excuse about needing to calibrate a stopwatch.”
“Weird,” Eddie says with what he hopes is an innocent shrug.
“Yeah…weird. So you don’t know anything? Nothing happened between you two?”
Ravi eyes him suspiciously, and Eddie could lie right now. He should lie. Everything in him screams at him to lie.
“I sucked on his lollipop,” Eddie admits in a rush.
Damn it.
“You…”
“Took his lollipop, put it in my mouth, sucked on it, then gave it back to him.”
Eddie feels his whole face going hot.
“Not a euphemism then,” Ravi says, and Eddie shakes his head in answer. “An actual lollipop was involved?”
Eddie just nods.
“Eddie, are you - I don’t know how to ask this,” Ravi pauses, contemplating. “Would you like to talk about any feelings you might possibly be having for Buck?”
He appreciates how careful Ravi is trying to be, because Eddie is about one direct question away from spilling everything to the man standing in front of him.
“Are you trying to ask me,” Eddie says, then leans in and lowers his voice, “if I’m in love with Buck?”
“Well, are you?”
“In love with Buck?” he repeats. His voice comes out nervous and disbelieving, but Ravi sees right through him.
“It wouldn’t be so crazy,” he says with a shrug. As soon as Ravi pins him with those big, earnest eyes, Eddie knows he’s done for.
“No, I guess it wouldn’t be,” he says quietly. Ravi doesn’t look surprised at his answer, and he wonders how many of his friends actually would be.
“Just…one thing,” Ravi says, putting his hands on his hips and fully turning away from their balloon arch project to look at Eddie. “This feels kind of ridiculous to say, but Buck has somehow become one of my best friends - I literally don’t even know how,” Ravi laughs, and Eddie can’t help but return it, because that’s just who Buck is. One day, he’s undermining you at the gym or chasing you with a chainsaw, and the next, he’s one of the most important people in your life. Eddie will never stop being grateful for every second Buck has shone his light on him and Chris.
“My point is, just be careful with him,” Ravi continues. “If this is real for you, then I’ll be so happy for you both, truly. But if you’re just figuring things out, dude, you can’t do that to him.”
“Ravi, I wouldn’t,” Eddie says, immediately defensive. “But it’s not like it matters, anyway. He doesn’t-”
Ravi scoffs and shakes his head.
“Are you seriously about to tell me you think Buck doesn’t have feelings for you?” Ravi asks, wiping his hands down his face and turning back to their project to focus on the balloons. “I’m done, you two are idiots.”
“Wha-”
Eddie’s about to interrupt when Buck rounds the corner, clipboard in hand, to check on their progress. He raises an eyebrow when he notices how little they’ve managed to complete, and immediately marks something down.
“You know,” Buck says, smiling cheekily, “If you two didn’t spend so much time chit-chatting, maybe we’d have a chance of finishing the balloon arch before end of shift. Careful, or I’ll be forced to remove your balloon privileges.”
Buck turns on his heel, and Eddie and Ravi both mouth “Balloon privileges?!” at each other once he’s out of sight. Having them revoked sounds like it would be preferable to the endless hell that is this balloon arch, but his desire to please Buck far outweighs any current discomfort.
The topic seems like it’s been dropped, and he and Ravi work in companionable silence for the next hour, finishing the balloon arch far before the end of shift. Instead, Eddie spends the time almost exclusively thinking about what Ravi said. Is it possible that Eddie’s been wrong this whole time? Could Buck return his feelings?
Unfortunately, Eddie thinks the answer truly is no. Over the entirety of the hour, Buck doesn’t look over at him once. He doesn’t sneak peeks like Eddie’s been doing for weeks now. He doesn’t get flustered like Eddie does when he comes over to check on them. And he sure as hell doesn’t accidentally stare at Eddie’s lips when he talks and imagine what it would be like to taste them. Nope, Buck is a completely normal friend, and Eddie is a horny menace to society and a terrible best friend.
Ravi is just…wrong. He may be close with Buck these days, but Eddie has been his best friend for 8 years. He knows him better than anyone, and if Buck has feelings for Eddie, he would know.
**********
The day of the fundraiser arrives in a way Eddie never could have predicted - to the sound of pots and pans banging in his kitchen at 5am. He jolts upright in bed, listening for more signs of an intruder, only to breathe a sigh of relief when he hears Buck’s voice quietly hiss “Dammit,” as more pans bang to the ground.
Eddie climbs out of bed and quietly makes his way to the kitchen. Chris is a heavy sleeper, but with the noise Buck’s making, he does his best not to add to the racket.
“What are you doing?” he quietly asks Buck when he reaches the kitchen. He’s on his knees, shoulders deep in Eddie’s cabinets, and he jumps a mile when he hears Eddie’s voice.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” Buck says, backing up to look at Eddie. “I forgot to make the cupcakes.”
He says it like that should explain everything, but Eddie didn’t know about any cupcakes, so he’s now got about 10 follow-up questions. Buck is already pulling apart the next cabinet when Eddie’s half-asleep brain is able to form the first.
“Why are you in my kitchen?”
“Because I forgot to make the cupcakes, Eddie,” Buck snaps, “Keep up!”
Eddie spots the Venti Starbucks cup on the counter, and without even checking the label, he’s sure it’s full of ungodly amounts of caffeine and sugar. That’s not to mention the Tootsie Pop Buck just unwrapped and shoved in his mouth before Eddie’s eyes.
“Whoa, Bud,” Eddie says, reaching out a hand to Buck’s shoulder. “Let’s slow down a minute, explain to me what’s going on because I don’t even remember seeing cupcakes on your clipboard yesterday.”
Buck sighs in defeat and slumps back against the kitchen island. Eddie sinks down next to him and nudges him gently with his elbow.
“I saw this really cool design for lollipop-themed cupcakes on Instagram, but I forgot to add them to the checklist, which means I forgot to make them. Then I made the batter at home an hour ago, only to realize my cupcake pans are still here from when we baked those muffins for Chris’s bake sale last month.”
“Ahh,” Eddie says, following Buck’s train of thought now that he’s taken a second to calm down. “So you broke into my house like a burglar and ransacked my cupboards instead of just waking me up to ask where the pans are.”
Buck looks up at him apologetically and pops the lollipop out of his mouth to speak, “I figured they’d be easy to find and you and Chris would wake up to the smell of cupcakes in a few hours. Win-win.” He offers a half smile, and Eddie can’t help but want to close the inches between them with a kiss. His brain is hazy, and for a second, he thinks Buck is going to do it for him when his head tilts and he moves just a little closer. He must still be dreaming, because Buck’s eyes drift down to Eddie’s lips, which is specifically something Buck doesn’t do. Eddie knows - he’s observed.
There’s a moment, or something that could be a moment if he were just a little braver, but Eddie turns away quickly and clears his throat, breaking whatever spell they might have been under. “Top of the fridge,” he says. Buck looks at him, confused for a moment, then nods.
“Of course,” he says, rising to his feet and crossing past Eddie to reach for the pans stacked on top of the refrigerator. He pulls them down and retrieves his bowl of batter from the counter to start filling them with cupcake wrappers. Eddie stands as well, moving next to Buck where he grabs a stack and starts filling right next to him.
“You don’t have to help,” Buck says, elbow knocking with Eddie’s, “This was my dumb idea, you should get some more sleep.”
“And leave you alone to wreck my kitchen even more?” Eddie teases, eyeing the pile of pans behind them. “I don’t think so.”
They work side by side like a well-oiled machine until all six trays are filled. Eddie tries not to watch the stick of the popsicle move between Buck’s lips as he tucks it into each corner. He absolutely does not think about what else Buck could tuck into his mouth if given the opportunity. This is his kitchen for goodness sake - his kid eats breakfast here.
To be fair, he never asked for any of this. He would have been completely content living out his years as a single father, no attachments beyond family and friends. He would have been okay with treasuring the memories of Shannon and their perfectly imperfect marriage, even if he never dated another person. Instead, he has to go and fall in love with his best friend for the second time in his life.
Eddie’s been pondering what all of this means for his sexuality for a while now. He loved Shannon - he knows that for sure - even if it wasn’t exactly the way he pictured love to feel. But Ana? Marisol? Kim? He never got to that point with any of them, and doesn’t expect he ever would have. At first, he thought he must be gay. It would explain the lack of attraction towards women, especially since he’s stopped putting in the effort to date. But he’s tried looking at other men, testing the waters, so to speak, and, while there’s been a bit more of a spark, nothing has made him feel like he feels with Buck.
He remembers the spark with Shannon. They’d talked for hours, and when she’d leaned forward and kissed him, he’d felt that fire ignite in his stomach, spreading to his fingers and toes in a rush. There had certainly been enough sexual attraction - that had never really been their problem, even at the end - but sometimes it came at the cost of ineffective communication and ignoring their other glaring issues. But even when they were apart, after she’d left, he’d never really stopped loving her. She gave him Christopher, and he will always love her for that.
The spark is different with Buck. Their friendship started rocky, then blossomed so quickly and so fully that it shocks Eddie to this day that Buck hasn’t always just been here. He remembers vividly the night Buck came out to him at the loft. Eddie recalls being more surprised that Tommy was gay than the fact that Buck was on a date with him. Buck being bisexual made sense, like the sky being blue and Eddie having brown hair, but it also upended his entire life.
Of course, at first, he’d brushed it off, told him nothing would change, and he thinks he meant it in the moment. Then he’d gone home and proceeded to set fire to his entire life. Next thing he knew, Marisol was moving out, he was risking everything on the thing with Kim, and he was letting Chris go to El Paso with his parents. Now he realizes how much of that had to do with this monumental discovery in his life. Buck’s sexuality had nothing to do with him - it shouldn’t have affected their friendship in the slightest - but if Eddie’s honest with himself, it changed everything he thought he knew about himself.
Suddenly, Buck had been an option. The possibility was there, except Buck had only realized he was bi because of Tommy. On more than one occasion, late at night when Eddie thought just a little too hard about it, he wondered why it hadn’t been him who had made Buck curious, not Tommy. But that isn’t fair and he knows it.
Once the first trays are in the oven, Buck turns back to him, and Eddie can easily see the strained look of sleep deprivation on his face.
“Alright, fun is over, you need sleep,” Eddie commands, gently ushering Buck to the hallway.
“But the cupcakes-”
“I can handle them from here, or do you not think I know how to work the timer on my phone?”
“Well…”
“Don’t answer that,” Eddie grumbles. He guides Buck into the bathroom first, to brush his teeth, then his bedroom like a dog herding sheep, and Buck seems to swallow whatever argument he’s about to provide. Eddie throws sweats at him because, for some reason, Buck’s still in jeans, and ushers him to the bed. Buck peels the jeans off, giving Eddie a sudden eyeful of thick, strong legs, and he averts his gaze quickly. “I’ve got it from here, get a few hours and I’ll have breakfast waiting when you and Chris wake up. You’ve got a long day tomorrow, get some rest.”
“It is tomorrow,” Buck says, eyes already falling shut as he lies down on Eddie’s pillow. He’s snoring softly before Eddie’s even turned to leave.
He pauses for a moment, looking down at Buck’s sleeping form, and leans down to press a kiss to his curls. “Goodnight, bud, love you.”
He says it without thinking, then freezes, standing over Buck. It’s the same thing he says to Chris when he pops his head in to say goodnight - it must have just slipped out because he wouldn’t be stupid enough to risk everything now of all times.
Except Buck’s asleep, or at least he mostly is. For a second, Eddie doesn’t think he’s going to respond. Then, muffled and sleepy, he mumbles into the pillow:
“Love you, too, g’night Eddie.”
The words are clear, no room for misunderstanding, despite the fact that Buck’s face is smushed into Eddie’s pillow.
Eddie doesn’t panic.
He is not panicking.
He swears.
It may appear like he’s panicking by the way he flees his own bedroom, but he definitely isn’t panicking.
It’s just…Buck said it back. It replays in Eddie’s head over and over, and he said it back. He said Eddie’s name, too, so it wasn’t just a reflexive ‘love you,’ it was meant for Eddie.
Buck loves him.