Chapter Text
“Hakugan?” Jean Bart’s deep voice carried easily through the helm.
Startled out of silence, the masked helmsman turned to their newest recruit, hands still steady on the wheel.
“Y-Yeah?”
“I’ve come to relieve you. You’ve been on shift for a long time.” The larger man stepped over to the helm, ready to take over. Hakugan sighed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment under his mask. It burned more than it should have, suggesting that he hadn’t been blinking enough.
“Okay. Thanks, Jean Bart.”
“Are you alright? You seem out of sorts.”
To tell the truth, no, Hakugan wasn’t having a very good day. The Tang had docked the other day at some island or another for restocking, and Jean Bart had volunteered to man the helm so Hakugan could go for shore leave. It was supposed to be fun. Uni had invited him along on “carrying Clione’s groceries” duty, and Hakugan was actually looking forward to having dinner input for once. It had been a beautiful day, the weather was nice, and Hakugan was even wearing one of his few short sleeved shirts. Yes, he was feeling adventurous. Then, he accidentally ran into another shopper.
The shopper was apologetic at first, bending down to offer Hakugan a hand up, but quickly recoiled when they saw the way his skin warped and scarred from past burns. He had watched their eyes with mounting dread as they traveled up his arm and to the bit of his face that had been revealed in the kerfuffle.
The disgust on their face was palpable, and Hakugan couldn’t really remember a time since he was home that somebody had looked at him that way. All this to say, it hurt. Even when Uni quickly helped him up and scolded the shopper in a way that Hakugan had never seen him speak before, at least not to the crew. Even when Clione noticed the commotion and came running, even when Clione and Uni defended him. It just hurt. Like the scars themselves, it would never stop hurting.
“Hakugan?” Jean Bart’s voice shook him from his reverie. “...Is something wrong?”
“No, sorry. Just… Distracted. I’m alright. Thanks.” It felt wrong to dismiss his crewmate like that, but he really rather wouldn’t think about that day anymore. Even though it felt like all he could think about.
“Alright. You should get something to eat. Clione is still serving dinner for those on the late shifts.” Hakugan just nodded, waving to Jean Bart as he left. Dinner sounded manageable.
The tak, tak, tak of a knife on a cutting board was quite the soothing sound, Clione would say. It was like a steady metronome underneath the sounds of bubbling curry and steaming rice. The mess was blessedly quiet tonight, and Clione would enjoy it for as long as possible. It’d only be a matter of time until one of the louder crewmates would come looking for food after a long shift, and beautiful silence would likely be trampled by inane bullshit.
Clione emptied the chopped vegetables into a bowl, turning back to the curry vying for their attention. They stirred it slowly, savoring the smell, and thought that some more spices would do nicely. The late night crew tonight had a variety of preferred tastes, after all, and Clione had always tried to tailor the menu to whoever was currently working. The mess hall door clicked open, drawing Clione’s attention. They put the curry to low heat and let it simmer as they turned around.
“Good Evening, Hakugan. Done tonight?” They watched Hakugan nod. It was always hard to tell what he was thinking, face covered by that mask, but Clione knew that Hakugan preferred it that way. No skin off their back, in any case. They quickly served some curry and rice in a bowl and handed it to the helmsman.
“Mhm. I’m surprised you’re still cooking…” Hakugan lifted the spoon, and Clione noticed that he had elected to slightly skew his mask to reveal his mouth. Usually, he would either scoot his mask to the side of his face or take it off entirely, so it was strange to see him being so reserved. Clione let the thought linger before deciding not to press. It wasn’t their business. Everyone got a little insecure sometimes.
“Yeah, well. Someone has to feed these idiots. And I’m not letting Penguin back in my kitchen.”
“He’s a pretty good cook, though…”
“That may be true, but he’s messy. Then Shachi gets involved, and the mess just multiplies…” They trailed off with a huff, waving their ladle around. Behind them, they heard Hakugan softly exhale through his nose, like a laugh.
“Yeah. I guess that’s true.” Clione couldn’t help but hear the slightly dejected tone of their masked crewmate’s voice. Their desire not to press had begun to grapple with their desire to make sure he was okay before their attention was drawn to the mess hall door again.
“Cliooonnnnneeeee!” Shachi’s voice rang out, and Clione shuddered.
“Speak of the devil and he shall appear…” They muttered with a grimace. They could already feel the headache forming behind their eyes when the galley door burst open, announcing Shachi and Penguin’s intrusion. Oh, good, both of them were here. Just what Clione needed.
“What do you two want? And get out of my kitchen! I’m cooking!”
“Yeah, and we’re hungry! Uni said you were making curry tonight.” Shachi grinned at them with those too-sharp teeth, slinging an arm around Penguin’s shoulders. The older of the two grinned as well. Clione just scowled at Penguin’s annoyingly charming dimples.
“Sorry to bother you, Clione, but Uni said the curry was reaaaallllyyyy good. Mind if we grab some bowls?” Penguin freed himself from Shachi’s embrace and crossed his arms. “Besides, aren’t we your first customers of the night? There should be plenty.”
“Well, Hakugan came first. He’s right over-” Motioning with the ladle, Clione turned toward where Hakugan had been standing before coming to a stop. “...There. Huh. I guess he left.” Penguin and Shachi glanced at each other with unreadable expressions.
“I guess he went to eat in his room again,” Clione shrugged and returned to the curry. “Can’t say I blame him. I’d go running too if I heard you two coming.”
“Owch, man! We only busted the coffee maker, like, two times…”
“Three, Shachi! And the counter still has your teethmarks in it from the time you decided to scare Bepo!” Shachi held his hands up defensively, like he was protecting himself from the ladle pointed in his direction. Penguin just laughed.
“Did Hakugan seem okay, Clione?”
“Hm?” Ignoring Shachi, which is something they really should make a habit of, Clione directed their attention back to Penguin. “Well, I guess he seemed a little off. I didn’t want to say anything, but… He didn’t take off his mask to eat, and he seemed quiet.” Penguin nodded, an oddly serious air about him. Clione was so used to the officer’s usually carefree nature that the sudden consideration made them feel a bit like a bug under a magnifying glass.
“Did anything happen recently?” Ah. The question Clione was dreading.
After what had happened at the last island, Uni and Clione had agreed not to say anything to the rest of the crew at Hakugan’s request. He didn’t want to cause any issues, and the chef and sonar tech had already made quick work of the offender who had insulted him. Seas know what the Captain would do to whoever so much as breathed wrong in the crew’s direction, let alone something like this. Clione sighed, putting their ladle down and wiping down their hands before facing Penguin in earnest. Time to come clean.
“Well… At the last port, some douche nozzle ran into Hakugan and started being a real dick. Said a bunch of stuff about his scars that Uni and I totally trounced them for. Hakugan didn’t want us to say anything since we needed to leave quickly. He didn’t want to draw anything out. Plus, you should see what Uni and I did to the guy. We figured it was enough.”
With an acknowledging hum, Penguin tugged on his hat.
“I wish you’d have told us. That’s kind of serious, Clione.”
“I’m sorry. Didn’t want to make Hakugan any more uncomfortable or upset.”
“Can’t fault you for that…” Shachi murmured. “But seriously, tell us next time something like this happens, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” That resolved, Penguin and Shachi quickly finished the curry that Clione had handed them mid-conversation. Penguin cleared his throat and handed the bowl back with thanks.
“I’ll go check on him.”
“Am I coming?”
“Nah, Shach, let me.”
“Suit yourself.” With that, Penguin left Shachi and Clione in the galley and headed for the bunks. Shachi finished his bowl and angled it back toward Clione. “...Seconds?”
“You’re the bane of my life.”
“That wasn’t a no!”
Penguin stood in front of Uni and Hakugan’s closed door. He hoped that Uni wasn’t inside- this was a conversation best had alone with Hakugan. With that thought, he rapped on the metal door and called out.
“It’s Penguin. Ah- just Penguin.” He didn’t want their youngest member to think that he had brought Shachi along to ambush him. He heard a muffled affirmation and opened the door, stepping inside and closing it behind him.
Hakugan sat on his bunk, on the right side of the room, holding his bowl in his lap. It looked like he had just finished fastening his mask back on. Penguin glanced to Uni’s side of the room, relieved that the sonar tech seemed to be elsewhere.
“Can we talk?” Penguin watched Hakugan sag in his spot. Fair, he thought. He’d be dreading this conversation too.
“...Sure.” Hakugan made space next to him, and Penguin took a seat. The bunks weren’t uncomfortable, not by any means, but they were better to lay in than sit on. His center of balance was a bit off, seated on the plush mattress. Nevertheless, he turned to Hakugan and looked him over.
Clione was right- he did seem a bit downtrodden. Anyone would be if they had experienced what Hakugan had at the market.
“Clione told me what happened. I wanted to make sure you were doing alright.”
“I’m fine.” Penguin could hear the lie as soon as the words left Hakugan’s mouth. He lived with Captain Trafalgar “I’m fine, it’s just a scratch” Law for Sea’s sake. He was experienced at hurt people trying to hide their feelings for the sake or convenience of others.
“Yeah? You seemed upset. And, I mean, you’re eating in your room.” The way Hakugan turned away from Penguin told the older man that he was right on the money. The helmsman had eaten in his room when he first joined the crew, and a few times when more people started joining up. It was something he did when he was shy about his scars, like he was hiding himself from people so they didn’t have to see his face when he ate.
“...I guess I’ve just been thinking about it.” Hakugan started, and Penguin listened quietly, encouraging the other to continue the thought. “I think… I think they had a point.”
“Everyone at home avoided me because of these scars. And anyone who sees them thinks they’re gross and ugly. I can’t… I can’t blame them. I really am disgusting.” His crewmate fiddled with the spoon in his hand, tapping it against the bowl as he spoke. The curry was largely forgotten and had only been eaten a bit. “I’m better off staying out of everyone’s way and covering them up.”
“Hey.” Penguin placed a hand on Hakugan’s shoulder. “You know that’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? I don’t know how the rest of you can stand to look at them. Maybe the rest of the crew just doesn’t want to be the one to tell me how they feel…”
“Hakugan… Your scars aren’t ugly. They don’t make you disgusting. They’re just… Part of you.”
“...A part of me I wish I could cut off.” Penguin stilled at Hakugan’s quiet voice. The two Heart Pirates sat in the quiet for a moment before Penguin pulled his own hat off of his head.
“I get it. Looking in the mirror and seeing something different than the norm… Different from how you used to look… It’s scary. But it’s just change.” Before Hakugan could question what Penguin meant, the older man turned to him.
‘What’s under Penguin’s hat’ had always been a bit of a hot topic on the Tang. He was never really without it, and the only ones who had ever seen his face were the three other original members of the Heart Pirates. Penguin liked to play into the rumors, like that he had a secret third eye or some fantastical birthmark. One time, he had even started the rumor that he was a robot from the nose up. It was never something he’d felt like he’d had to confirm or deny. But this… This was worth dispelling the mystery.
Penguin’s hair was short, like a grown out buzz cut. It was dark blue and healthy looking. His eyes were bright, a peering blue that his mother used to compare to glaciers. People often told him that they’d felt as if he was staring through them. What he had meant to show Hakugan, though, was the large and garish scar on his scalp. It was an obvious thing that started a bit behind his hairline and spilt onto his temple., almost grazing his eye. Penguin watched Hakugan stare at him, imagining the smaller man’s eyes behind the mask fixed on his scar.
“It’s a long story. I can tell you another time. I know our scars aren’t very comparable, but… Our crew doesn’t care about stuff like this. The right people won’t. Hell, most have their own scars that they’re hiding. Ours are just a little more obvious than most.” Hakugan didn’t say anything, but he had stopped fiddling with his spoon. Eventually, he turned away from Penguin, forcing his gaze back to the floor.
“...What about the people that stare? That shopper… They made me feel like dirt. Less than dirt.”
“Fuck what they think. Their opinions don’t matter. They don’t know anything about you or your scars, do they? Besides… Do you regret what you did? What gave you those scars?”
“No. Of course not. I’d do it again to save those people.”
“Then you have nothing to feel sorry for. Who cares what anyone else has to say about it?” The room went quiet for a bit. Penguin ran a hand through his hair, feeling the edges of the scar. He had wanted to show Hakugan that he knew some of his struggle… Hopefully he didn’t just make things worse by comparing apples to oranges.
Hakugan huffed, a sound like air leaving his nose. A sound that Penguin recognized as Hakugan’s laugh. He couldn’t help but feel a bit accomplished and definitely a little relieved.
“...Thanks, Penguin.”
“Any time. You’re family, Hakugan. And we love you. I’ll step to the plate any time you need someone to bat away your insecurities. Hell, I’m already batting the Captain’s.”
“Really?”
“Oh, yeah. You have no idea. Luckily for Cap, though, I’m the best batter this team’s got. I’m talking home runs.” Hakugan laughed properly this time, much to Penguin’s delight. Good. That’s better.
With a stretch, Penguin stood from the bed. He offered a hand to Hakugan for his bowl.
“How about we go heat this up and finish it in the mess?” Hakugan hesitated before handing it to Penguin. He stood alongside him, stiff joints cracking, and the two made for the door. Penguin could tell from the helmsman’s gait that he was feeling lighter than before.
Good.
Hakugan could feel his heart in his stomach. He opened and closed his hands a few times, staring nervously at the mess door. After last night’s talk with Penguin, Hakugan had promised not to let his insecurities get the better of him. He was determined to make good on that promise at breakfast this morning. All he had to do first was step inside.
He pushed the door open with a deep breath. Thankfully, everybody present seemed too tired to make much conversation beyond greeting him briefly. He made his way to Clione at the galley, grabbed his breakfast and found a spot with Uni and Ikkaku.
“Hey, good morning!” Ikkaku chirped, a bit too energetic for the early hour. A quick look at Uni’s expression told Hakugan that the energy was not shared between them. Another quick look at Ikkaku’s mug told him that she had been up for a while, and was subsisting on coffee and running on fumes.
“Good morning.” Hakugan looked at his breakfast. His nervous energy was only rising, his palms sweaty. He had half a mind to give up here and make do with just showing his mouth or retreating to his room…
The mess hall door clicked open again, and Hakugan watched Penguin and Shachi walk in. He sucked in a breath, completely surprised to see Penguin hatless. Those strangely bright eyes found his, and Penguin smiled at him and shot him a thumbs up. Hakugan felt his nerves temper slightly. Well… He supposed it was now or never.
Hakugan took off his mask.
“Hey, handsome, looking good.” Ikkaku mused, no doubt noticing the nerves that had the helmsman by the throat. Hakugan couldn’t help but flush a bit. Ikkaku was one for frequent platonic compliments, but he still wasn’t used to them. Uni just smiled at him as they ate, and Hakugan appreciated the subtlety. They really don't mind…
Looking back at Penguin had Hakugan smiling a bit himself as the older man gave him a second thumbs up. The unspoken I’m proud of you hung in the air, and he didn’t mind it one bit. Penguin and Shachi moved along, Bepo trailing behind them.
He should have expected that the three core members would be accompanied by their Captain, but it still startled him a bit when he heard Law’s voice over his shoulder.
“Hakugan.”
He felt himself sweat at the sudden attention. Had someone told the Captain? Was he about to be scolded for his self depreciation?
“It’s good to see your face.” And the Captain moved along.
Of course. Hakugan stifled a small smile, returning to his food.
Of course.